no fucking way i just got caught smoking??? 

Hello, everybody!

I’m so sorry I fell off the face of the earth. The holidays are always a difficult time, and soon after those ended, I started treatment for my eating disorder. So, it’s been an immensely emotional time for me with a good bit of struggling.

I hope to get back into the writing mindset soon!

And I cannot thank you all enough for the love you have shown my two works for Wednesday! It means so much to me!

Wishing everyone all of the happiness and peace! 💜

Having to cancel plans w friends bc I’m fasting kinda sucks but I know I’ll thank myself later

i love the feeling of control when i fast.

tw: ed vents

I hate myself so much, I've fallen into my typical pre-period binge cycle and I'm meant to be seeing a doctor on monday about being anorexic >_<

I'm going to have put on like 4 lbs at least since 2 weeks ago which I'm sure will make them completely ignore the weight loss overall I've been having due to the fact that outside of this week each cycle I can't fucking eat like a normal human without immense guilt! I'm not eating until Monday evening unless my parents force me.

!! I just made myself food !!

…but I lost my appetite

Looking at it made me feel sick, so I put it away in the fridge and washed the dish instead. <3

hi, its saanjh!

apartheid clyde has screwed us on twt, so came back to edblr.

- im 19

- indian, i speak english/hindi

- interests: late 90s/early 00s pop culture, musical theatre and grunge/punk rock

- cw: 45.5, gw: 40, cbmi: 16.7

vent

reading I’m Glad My Mom Died brought my eating disorder back…

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GENUINE QUESTION

can i lose weight by walking 2k steps a day on a treadmill (and without intense cardio ofc) ????

i fainted today. I smoked a bowl and one of my friends was talking about food and eating disorders and I immediately felt disconnected from my body, like I was on manual instead of autopilot. I hate when they talk excessively about food, whether it’s good or bad. There isn’t a day when I see them that they don’t stop talking about it. It makes me feel sick. my heart was physically hurting and eventually I couldn’t even talk, I could feel the blood fade from my face and the dread sink in. I went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and woke up sprawled on the floor with my head awkwardly positioned on the wall and my friends outside the door calling my name. I feel so horrible and guilty I did that in my friends home. I definitely hit my head but it was the scariest experience I’ve ever had in my life. I think I had an anxiety attack, maybe just ate my Wendy’s too fast. I ended up going to the living room and still felt the disconnect. I sat up and motioned for a bowl or something to throw up in. I vomited a lot (but luckily not anywhere else). I ended up having to sleep the rest of the time I was there. Im exhausted. I’m so tired of consistently having to see people, even the people closest to me. I’m tired of consistently feeling like I need to cater to my friends emotions. It’s hurting me. I cannot fucking do this. I’m sick of ALWAYS being the emotional support friend. I just want to heal but I don’t know how to say leave me alone without some people still pushing for more. I do not function like they do. They never experienced what I did. Everywhere I turn I cannot escape this cycle of being put in an expectation. I want someone to actually care about me, not suck my energy over and over again. i think I’m just so exhausted but I continue with the excuse that distracting myself will help like a fool. it’s making everything worse as the days go by. I know I’m a survivor. My ex claims I love to be the victim. No I don’t.

MASSIVE TW for this blog. It's a vent blog. There will be very triggering things here. If you aren't sick, please, please dni.

Please block, not report. I am pro-recovery. I don't post specific calorie counts or th1nsp0. This is literally just a blog for me to vent.

Yes I want to become better, I think....