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spacerangersam · 3 years

Text

The Medium

a short comedy piece about family drama, ducks and ugly nightwear.

“Darling, look how big Maxwell has gotten! He’s practically fully grown now! I wonder if he still gets your mother to iron his socks...”

“He’s almost thirty, Ruth. Besides, it’s only been a year.”

“Oh sorry, but you know I can’t help it. So much has happened since we last saw him.”

“Indeed it- it has.”

“I wonder if he-”

“Sweetheart, I mean this in the kindest way possible, but could you please be quiet for a-a moment?”

Theodore was stretched out over the round table, squeezed in between an elderly woman with a ridiculous feather boa, and some scrawny pale fellow. He was on the very tips of his worn Oxfords, his long thin fingers just barely touching the Ouija planchette.

The people surrounding him in the table gasped as it slid forward.

“Terribly sorry, Theo,” Ruth apologised, leaning over to pat his shoulder. “I rather forgot you were in the middle of something.”

“It’s not your fault, it’s this blasted woman’s. If she’s so in touch with the spirit world, why can’t she sense my overwhelming need for her to fucking move?”

Both feet were now off the floor as he pushed the planchette towards the O. Almost there, almost.

“Really, there’s no need for insults.”

“Sorry sweetheart,” he said in a strained voice, “but this is- Christ- a very time-sensitive task, I’m sure you understand.”

She huffed, crossing her arms, more for the drama of it rather than actual disgust.

“I do. I just don’t think death gives us an excuse to forget our manners.”

He gave up. Theo it was. The D wasn’t even that far away, it was more energy than it was worth.

Besides, it seemed to do the trick as the five huddled around the table gasped, the youngest pale and shaking. Even the elderly woman, pale with frizzy hair seemed surprised. She hid her wide eyes behind a cough and quickly put on a mask of professionalism though.

“Theo? Does anyone on this table know a Theo?”

“I should bloody hope so,” he huffed.

“Oh look, Max has a ring! I think he’s married!” Ruth gasped.

The youngest, Maxwell, gulped and nodded. The woman next to him patted his hand, looking rather frazzled herself.

“I think I know to whom,” Theo muttered.

Ruth raised an eyebrow and adjusted her glasses, gasping when she picked up on her husband’s hint.

“Max had a brother called Theo who passed not too long ago,” the woman explained.

“Elizabeth? But I thought she was dating-”

“She was.”

“A year ago. Car accident,” Maxwell spluttered out.

“Well, I never. We’ve missed out on so much! Darling, could you ask about it?” Ruth asked.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” the medium said in a grave tone.

“I’m really sorry,” Theodore began, “but that would probably take a while to ask, and I don’t think Maxwell has the attention span for that.”

“Fair point.”

“Am I talking to Theodore Jones?” The medium asked.

Oh thank god, he thought, I don’t have to spell that one out. It didn’t hurt that the YES was close either.

“Can’t you just phase through the table?” Ruth questioned. “Wouldn’t that be easier?”

“Yes, but knowing my luck I’d just phase through the planchette too and we’d have to start all over again.”

Maxwell and Elizabeth gripped even tighter onto each other as the planchette jerked towards the YES. A tense silence fell over the table, interrupted a moment later by the medium.

“Right, well, is there anything you want to ask him or tell him, Maxwell?”

“God, don’t open the stage to him,” Theodore groaned, “he’ll only ask something stupid like if there are any pubs in heaven.”

Maxwell nodded swallowing loudly.

“I just wanted to tell him that I love him, I really do and…did he and Ruth end up in the same place? Are they-”

“Just ignore him and go to the will,” Ruth suggested.

“Good thinking.”

“I have my moments.”

W-I-L-M

“Wilm?” Maxwell queried, brows drawn close.

“Wilm?” Ruth parroted. “I know you struggle with spelling but-”

“My hand slipped!”

He tried again.

W-I-L-L

“Oh, we have a brother called Will, does he want me to pass a message on?” Maxwell asked.

“Perhaps he does. Theo, do you have a message for William?”

“Oh, for fucks sake!”

Ruth didn’t comment on that one, too busy pursing her lips and giving Maxwell a stern eye.

“He never was the brightest, was he?”

W-I-L-L

L-E-G-A-L

“Oh! like his last will and testaments!” Elizabeth gasped.

“Yes!” Theodore cheered, a grin appearing on his face for the first time during this whole ordeal.

“At least one out of the pair has some brains,” Ruth mused.

She perched on the top of a spare chair, watching the amusing expressions of the living five.

“He never wrote one, did he?” Maxwell mused.

I-D-I-D

“It seems he begs to differ,” the medium commented. “Where is it??”

S-O-C-K

His hand slipped again. Dammit.

“Sock?” Maxwell read. “I don’t mean to be rude, but you had a lot of socks, Theo, could you be more specific?”

“Here, how about-”

Ruth hopped onto the table in her party shoes. She crouching down, gently brushing her husband’s fingers away from the planchette and replacing them with her own.

S-O-C-K-D-R-A-W

“Oh, thank you,” Theodore said.

“Anytime.”

He gratefully, and awkwardly, wriggled off the table, standing behind the medium instead. She shivered for a moment but otherwise didn’t react.

“Do you mean it’s in your sock drawer?” Elizabeth asked.

Y-E-S

“We should go find it right away! It could be-”

B-E-L-L-E

“Sweetheart, I thought we were just going to focus on the will?” Theodore asked.

“Well, they know about it now, let me be nosy for a minute.”

“Oh, alright. Just don’t drag it out for too long please.”

“It’s hidden in a bell?” Elizabeth wondered.

Maxwell cleared his throat, tugging at his collar with his free hand.

“No, Belle- that was the name of my ex, we parted a few months ago. Though I swear he never knew…”

Really? He didn’t think I noticed the woman he dated for over six months? Theodore thought. Well, that’s just insulting.

The table fell silent again.

“Ex? That’s all he got for me? I was the fucking light of his life!” A voice yelled.

Ruth and Theodore winced, turning to face their third ghostly companion, a young woman in a ghastly nightdress.

“Oh, Belle, I’m sorry, but we did tell you he’d likely moved on,” Ruth said gently.

Belle began to cry hysterically, with all the noise and none of the tears.

“Oh dear, don’t cry- Theodore?”

“On it.”

He made his way to the corner she had hidden in, next to the myriad of ‘unicorn’ skulls and toad bladders. He held her tightly, rocking her slightly.

“There there, he’s a cad anyway, you can do better,” he assured her.

“How? We’re in hell!”

“Not technically.”

“Wait, is this Penelope?” Maxwell asked.

Y-E-S

H-E-L-L-O

Maxwell breathed out a relieved sigh, a strained smile on his lips.

“Oh, you are together, good.”

A-N-D-B-E-L

He paled again.

“B-Belle? She’s with you? Wait, she’s dead?!”

The living members of the table turned to frown at him. He slouched down in his seat.

“She-she hadn’t been responding to any of my letters so I-I said I felt like she had been avoiding me and perhaps we should both move on.”

“Of course I couldn’t respond, I was fucking deceased!”

“Belle, he never deserved you anyway, sweetheart, let it go.”

“And did you say that in person?” The medium asked.

“Ah, no, letter.”

“…Belle, if you are here, can you tell us when you died?”

“J-June fourth,” Belle gasped out.

Theodore rubbed her back encouragingly. It was a shame she’d died in that dreadful thing, he mused. At least he and Ruth had been given the decency of going out in style.

J-U-N-E-4

Maxwell put a shaking hand to his mouth, and at his side, Elizabeth scowled.

“That was before your breakup, wasn’t it?” She asked.

He nodded.

“Maxwell Jones,” Elizabeth hissed, “I can’t believe you did that!”

“Oh god, we’re completely off track, what if he forgets about the will?” Theodore complained.

Belle began to wail louder. He winced and rubbed her back even harder, desperately trying to calm her down. It seemed to work.

“I was busy with work, I didn’t have time to check on her!”

“Oh sorry, I know this is a lot for you to handle. Do you want to go outside, perhaps? I’m sure Ruth can handle it from here,” Theo assured her.

“N-No. I want to see this through,” she sniffed.

“If I die tragically and can’t respond to your letters, I hope you’ll spare a moment to come check on me,” Elizabeth huffed.

“If you’re sure. But please do remind them of the will again, sweetheart,” Theodore called out to Ruth. “If they don’t find it, I just know they're going to hand over my collection of genuine Roman coins to father and I won't let that bastard get his greasy hands on them!”

“Oh god, not the Roman coins!” Belle sobbed. “They're one of a kind!”

“Yes, and I’d bet he'd either just pawn them for cheap or lose them down a drain like the uncultured tosser he is!”

“This day is getting worse and worse.”

“Wait, how do you know about my coin collection?”

“I showed her them once when I caught her sneaking out of Maxwell’s room at night,” Ruth explained.

“He snores,” Belle sniffed. “Loudly.”

“And you’re upset this relationship ended, because…”

She sniffed again and shrugged.

“I have bad taste?”

Theodore pursed his lips and thought about it.

“We can work on that, chin up.”

S-A-Y-S-O-R-R-Y-B-E-L-S-A-D

“Oh, of course, god, Belle, I’m so sorry. I should have suspected something was wrong and come visited you,” Maxwell said.

“You should have!” Belle loudly agreed.

“You should have,” Elizabeth seconded, pinching Maxwell’s hand sharply.

“Ow!”

Belle sniffed and grinned a little.

“I like her.”

“She is quite something that Liz,” Theodore said. “Shame she has terrible taste too.”

“Do you think we’re done for now? This isn’t exactly a comfortable position,” Ruth commented.

Theodore and Belle shared a look, and after a moment shook their heads.

“I just want to go,” Belle sighed.

“And I believe that’s enough drama for one afterlife,” Theodore announced. “Let’s end this.”

Ruth nodded sharply and returned to the board.

W-I-L-L-G-O-F-I-N-D

GOOD BYE

A golden glow went unseen by the living, and the séance drew to a close.

***

William unlocked the door to the house and cautiously entered.

It had been left untouched, perfectly preserving the lives of its owners in their last-minute rush to get to the party on time. That is to say, it looked like a bombsight. He smiled, strained, and brushed his fingers over an abandoned coat, flung over a cupboard.

No doubt Theodore was losing his mind over the mess wherever he was, tearing out his hair as he tried desperately to find his way back to the mortal plane just to do the dusting.

A hand found its way to his back, and William turned his head to the side to face his companion.

“Remind me why we’re back here? It’s bloody miserable, like the world’s worst museum.”

“Pryce, I told you yesterday, didn’t you listen?”

The other man shrugged, hands falling to his pockets.

“Not really. You say a lot of things I don’t listen to.”

“I’m well aware.”

William sighed and gestured for Pryce to follow, making his way up the dusty stairs.

“We’re looking for Theodore’s will. Max and Liz went to a medium, claimed Theo talked to them.”

“A medium? They got more quack to them than a duck pond.”

“I agree, but you know how hard Max took the death. It is his birthday party they kicked it on after all. And the two insisted that we check, so.”

“I can believe Max buying into it, but Lizzy too? Thought she was too smart for that.”

“Well, she is with Max, so she can’t be that smart.”

“Got a point.”

They reached the top of the stairs and entered the bedroom. As with the rest of the house, it showed the remains of a panic, random dresses and ugly ties strewn about everywhere, drawers upturned and perfume spilt. They’d even turned the mattress upside down, though to what end, William would never know.

“You check Ruth’s drawers, I’ll check Theodore’s, yeah?”

Pryce’s ears went red and he shuffled on the spot, looking closer to five than fifty.

“Is that proper like?”

“Pryce, the woman’s dead, no one’s going to care if you go through her knicker drawer. Besides, you’re looking only through her socks, second drawer down.”

“Just- just making sure.”

William rolled his eyes going to Theodore’s set of drawers.

It was ridiculous, he felt, completely ridiculous. Even if the medium were legitimate, surely Theodore wasn’t stupid enough to just leave his will in his-

He saw it as soon as he opened the drawer.

“Good lord,” he gasped.

“What, you actually found it?”

“I believe so.”

He picked it up and leafed through it. It was Theodore’s hand all right, balancing the line between elegant and impossible to read. He flipped through a few more pages.

He winced.

“Aye, do us a favour and call the lawyer, will you? Father too. And tell him to bring along the coin collection on fear of death.”

#tumblr won't let me format it the way i wanna so it's easier to read so sorry #short story #my writing

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