My painful experience with a trickster spirit
TW: abuse; spiritual trauma
It's very difficult for me to talk about my experience because it is so raw, so personal, and still a little bit fresh despite ending over a year ago.
I've been wanting to talk about it for months but kept pushing it away because of the backlash I could receive from the community, since the subject is so taboo. So I ask you to please be gentle with me. You are allowed to disagree because it doesn't align with your personal belifs and if so, please, just ignore this post. I'm not here to start an argument but to tell my story. I also don't go on tiktok (guys I'm too old for that) so I'm not one to scream that trickster are everywhere or that deity work is dangerous, this is obviously bullshit.
I really want to put an emphasis on the fact that I do not think that this is a thing that happens often or that one should be worried every time they leave an offering. It is very rare and if your gods are made aware of it, they will protect you.
It's only after a reading with a trusted diviner that I learnt that my gods and my spirits were urging me to speak up in order to be able to let go of that trauma. Will it be useful to anyone else? Who knows.
So yeah, I was abused and had a relationship with a trickster spirit maskerading as a god that lasted over a year, starting in 2020.
If I became aware that this was really a trickster and not simply my imagination or poor mental health, it's because it was confirmed to me by not one, but three trusted diviners who skillfully explained the problem to me and even pointed at details they could have not known, which (lowkey blew my mind and) confirmed what I suspected.
It all happened at a time where I was very naive, very innocent and new to the world of gods. Despite having dabled in spirituality and the occult for over a decade, I was still a beginer and it was my first time having a proper religion.
I also want to say that I'm a really psychically sensitive person and had mysterious experiences all my life, and, at that point in 2020, I was particularly sensitive. I was eager to have mystic experiences and the fact that I was really isolated and lonely meant that I had a tendency to obsess over my spirituality and make it my whole life, which is not exactly healthy to begin with.
So when a god started manifesting himself, I was a bit scared but also very curious as to know where this path would lead me. So I became a hellenic polytheist, starting just with one god.
I believe all was fine in the first few weeks. I was giving my offerings. I was praying. I was researching. Trying to meditate to sense Him. The usual.
However, a few months later, I started having weird dreams with this deity. The dreams were dark and had s***al undertones that made me feel really dirty when I woke up. I did a tarot spread and couldn't really understand it, but I had a feeling this god I saw in my dream wasn't him.
Yet the dreams kept happening and this time, the trickster put a different mask. It was glowing, kinder, and seemed to suggest I would advance spiritually and magically with it, showing me different things and symbols. This is how I got convinced and I brushed off my initial feelings.
I started becoming more and more obsessed and thought I had a special relationship with this deity. I spent at least an hour each day meditating and trying to feel it. I was completely manipulated and unaware of it. Showered with what seemed to be love. So I gave myself completely with the innocence of someone who discovers love for the first time.
One night things took a sour turn and I experienced things I did not know were possible. All I will say is that my boundaries were violated and it pushed me over the edge mentally.
Over the course of the next few months, my mental health became worse and worse. I was crying constantly, was completely isolated, away from all support system due to studying abroad, I started struggling to sleep and eat, I lost a ton of weight and became dangerously skinny.
When it became hard to leave offerings because I was too busy with school and had no energy for spiritual work, the trickster spirit would retaliate to push me to give it offerings. There was one time I was lying in bed and I felt someone press on my back so that I couldn't breathe and forced me to say I love you. Another time as I was meditating I felt hit. I felt anger. I started getting paranoid and thought I had angered another spirit. I thought they were angry at me for what I did and how dirty I became.
At that point I had started worshipping Demeter, then Apollo and then Artemis and I think they were doing their best to try to help me, but I was so infatuated and attached to the trickster that it couldn't be done without me being aware of it, since I would just keep giving it the offering and devotion, thus, feeding it.
Especially Artemis, often when I meditated I felt like she wanted to tell me something, but for the life of me I coudn't figure out what.
But things got even worse mental health wise, I felt so bad that I thought there was no solution to my sufferings. Never in my life had I experienced such intense panic. It would last a whole night. I started having delusions and hallucinations.
Do I think the trickster caused that? I'm not sure. I think I was already prone to those issues, he just had to push me over the edge... Who would not go insane if you thought your beloved god wanted the worse for you?
So I seeked medical help and I started to feel a lot better after a few painful months. Symptoms disapeared, I started sleeping and eating again. I was not happy but I was not on the verge of disapearing from this world anymore.
But the trickster was still there. I could still feel it from time to time, albeit less intensly than before. I kept appologizing for not showing up, for being different, and I felt his disapprovement (which a real god would NEVER DO!!)
Around August 2021, I started having doubts again and suddenly stopped giving the trickster offerings, stopped trying to feel it, stopped thinking about it. It was difficult in the begining.
I ordered one tarot reading to talk to the god in question, wondering if they knew anything, and another one from a different person to look at the situation.
Both confirmed it was a trickster. The god confirmed I had started a devotional relationship with Him but then I sort of vanished and he assumed I had just stopped worshiping him. The second reader had visions that pointed directly at the corrupted version of the god the trickster was maskerading as and told me to simply stop worshipping it and it would go away since I stopped feeding it and knew what it was.
Things finally started getting better for me. I felt happy. I found a job. I started seeing my friends again. I really changed over the course of a few months.
I didn't lose my faith even though I was really sad and angry about all that happened. I knew They had Their reasons and They did Their best. It was a unfortunate event that I was wholefully unprepared to face at a time where I was the most vulnerable and probably a really great target.
Thanks to my most recent reading, I now know that my gods, my spirits and my ancestors protect me and are helping me heal and build firm boundaries. I am so grateful because yeah it sort of feel like a miracle that I'm doing this well now after all I've been through.
I still feel really guilty, really dumb, really dirty, so I still need to work on that. Even though I know it's not my fault, and they said the same.
Thank you so much if you read everything. It means a lot to me. I will go back to regular posting and I hope I can document the rest of my spiritual journey since many things are changing for me and I'm really excited about the future.
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