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confused-stars · 4 years

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hawksweek2020 - Day 5: Insecurities

@hawksweek2020

Pretty Bird

(or: someone just give him a hug please im begging you)

It had been eight months since the Winged Hero Hawks had made his debut. The spotlights hadn’t let up since then, and he hadn’t stopped moving.

At his first hero ranking, he’d already made the top twenty, popularity polls adding a huge bonus to the sheer number of successful rescues he’d already pulled off with seeming ease. And it was easy, to him. Saving people came as naturally as breathing after all the training he’d gone through.

Charming the masses? That was also easy. A smile that was just smug enough to make him interesting, and just warm enough to have people believe he was genuine. Words that sounded a little too blunt but were carefully picked and made the public love him for his honesty. A wink thrown in at the right time, a strategic placement of his wings in front of the cameras. All of that had been training.

This was just another one of those things, another side of hero work that he hadn’t experienced before but should have been fine with.

He should have.

So why exactly did he find himself hiding away in a storage closet?

Well.

Fuck.

Keigo pulled his wings tighter around himself and tried to count to ten under his breath. He got to seven before there was a knock on the door.

“Kid?”

Ah, shit. They knew where he was.

Of course he was already going to have to answer for running out and messing up the schedule the way he had, and he didn’t even know how long he’d been here, but he still didn’t want to be talked to.

“Go ‘way!” he called back, and his voice sounded way too shaky and not enough like his hero persona at all. “I’m fine! I just need a minute!”

A pause. “… Hawks.” The voice was softer now. He knew he’d heard it before, but his panicked mind wasn’t supplying him with anything. “Can I come in if I close the door behind me?”

Keigo furrowed his brows. Why would she do that? Wasn’t she here to drag him back out? But saying no would probably make them break down the door or something. He twisted the feather he’d kept stuck in the lock around until he felt it click open.

He straightened up where he was sitting in between a bunch of nondescript storage crates and cleaning supplies, his wings folded neatly against his back even though he just wanted to curl them around his body again.

The door opened a moment later, and Keigo could have slapped himself for not recognizing Midnight’s voice when she’d been outside the door.

She must have had a photoshoot here today, too. He vaguely remembered that this was supposed to be the place where she most often did her modelling work. She was in her hero costume, though lacking her usual accessories, and she was holding the shirt that he’d left when he’d hurried out of the studio.

He caught it when she tossed it at him and freed his wings of feathers for a moment so he could pull it on, slotting them back in place after.

“… thanks.” He flashed Midnight one of his trademark smiles, and from her furrowed brow she wasn’t buying it in the least.

Keigo wondered just how much of a persona she was putting on for her hero work, and how much of it was real. There was no way all this 18+ nonsense could be her entire personality.

Keigo thought she was fun to watch, sure, and definitely capable, but she’d always seemed very… fake to him. There were just some heroes who were so obviously playing a role, and unfortunately a lot of the female pros who were being pushed into the ‘sexy lady hero’ stereotype came across like that. Keigo was always glad he was a man, or this might have very well been his fate.

And he’d proven today that he was not cut out for that.

Midnight kicked one of the crates aside and sat down on top of it, one leg over the other, and watching him closely.

“First model shoot?” she asked, “They can be a little awkward.”

Keigo sighed and dropped his smile, shrugging a shoulder. “It’s not… I’m good at what I do.” That sounded very defensive. But he was! He was good at this! He had no problem with the posing, even though he hadn’t exactly practiced that before. It had actually been a lot of fun, in the beginning.

“I didn’t say you weren’t,” Midnight pointed out, “Just that it can be awkward. I’ve been doing this since I was your age, and don’t tell anyone, but that was a while ago.” She winked at him and Keigo huffed a laugh. “But, even for me it can get… a bit much at times.”

Keigo looked back at her with more intent this time, studying her face. Did she enjoy what she did? Well, she had picked her own brand, and she got more choice in what she did than he ever had, but she’d also picked that brand as a teenager. Playing into the R-rated hero thing got her a lot of fans, of course, and modelling contracts, and adult merch, and a ton of other things, so it had been a clever move for her career. But to constantly be seen like this? Keigo nearly shuddered at the thought.

Midnight met his eyes and smiled, a little more gentle, and Keigo remembered that she, in fact, was also a high school teacher. “Don’t look at me like that, bird boy. I love what I do. It’s normal to get overwhelmed. Happens to the best of us. Just last week, I witnessed Present Mic screaming into a pillow for almost ten whole minutes.”

Keigo pulled one of his wings across his lap and smoothed out some feathers. They’d been groomed extensively before the shoot, but he’d gone and gotten them all ruffled up again. “… is the pillow okay?” he asked after a moment.

Midnight snorted. “That’s what we keep Eraser around for.”

Would Keigo ever have any real friends among other heroes? He sure hoped so. He had never really had the opportunity to make friends.

He looked down at his wing. “… I don’t like being on camera shirtless.” And in a room full of people, too. He pulled up his shoulders a little. “I mean. I know I’m objectively hot, right? This is all… very marketable.” He gestured down at his body, and then at his face.

He'd been lucky to grow up attractive, he’d been told that many times. And yet.

“It doesn’t make sense. I just… they didn’t warn me beforehand, and so when they told me to, I just took it off and I started feeling worse.”

Letting go of his wing, he instead traced his fingers along his chest, where there weren’t even visible scars. “It’s stupid.”

“The way you feel about your body is never stupid,” Midnight said, voice surprisingly firm.

Keigo jerked his eyes up to look at her.

“It’s unreasonable. I should be fine with it. Plenty of people are gonna look at these photos, and they’re not gonna think ‘oh, look at Hawks, he’s way too skinny to be attractive’ or ‘he’s tiny, how’s he supposed to save people’ or ‘hey, doesn’t Hawks look kinda like a girl?’. That’s just me thinking that.” He waved a hand in the air vaguely and sighed, feathers fluffing up as he did so.

Midnight was still watching him. Keigo hated it. She seemed to be seeing right through him, and he himself didn’t even know what she was seeing.

“I have a feeling it won’t help any if I say I think you’re cute,” she finally said, “Because this is about you. This isn’t going to change, no matter how many crazy fans in the streets scream that they’d love to have your babies.” She paused. “Or… eggs.”

Keigo couldn’t help the surprised laugh, and he tried to give her a half-glare. “I’m pretty sure I’d have perfectly human babies, thanks.”

“I’ll believe that when you prove it,” Midnight teased, and Keigo realized she’d done that very much on purpose to distract him from his doom and gloom.

She was a pretty good hero, he decided. The best heroes had to be the ones who knew how to help other heroes, and not just civilians. “I should probably get back out there and finish the shoot, huh?” he asked, glancing at the door.

Midnight clicked her tongue. “Or you walk out there, apologize, and fly home like a good boy.” She met his eyes and winked, and Keigo blushed maybe a little bit, though he would deny that to his dying day. That was just how she was though, and her flirty nature was enough to keep him somewhat grounded and from letting his thoughts spiral again.

“… I have responsibilities,” he protested half-heartedly, though home sounded very good right now. He hadn’t been living in the apartment long, but it was his and it was safe. He didn’t have to be Hawks there.

Midnight waved a hand at him. “They must’ve gotten a bunch of pictures they can use. You’ve been here all morning, and it’s almost four now.”

That late? Oh, shit. Keigo had a patrol at six. He’d need to pick up some food on the way. But, hey, at least patrol was going to make him feel less shitty about himself. He stood up and brushed himself off. “You’re probably right, Midnight. Thanks.”

Midnight got to her feet as well, and Keigo nudged her arm with his wing.

“Kayama is fine, you know? No need to be all formal with the hero names.”

Keigo never liked when this happened. He shifted. “I prefer Hawks.”

Midnight’s gaze was too knowing, but he didn’t think that she knew the full extent of why he didn’t use his other name.

“Hawks it is, then. It’s a good hero name anyway. Very catchy.” She nodded her approval, and he smiled as he moved past her – only to be stopped by her hand wrapping around his wrist.

“Okay, I know you barely know me, but I want you to listen to me. Because you’re just a kid, and you’re taking your first steps into this mess of a professional world. Are you listening?”

Keigo nodded.

Midnight’s gaze was serious. “No one can tell you who to be, Hawks. No one can tell you what to do with who you are, either. You want to save people, you’re good at that. You clearly don’t like this aspect of it all, and that’s fine. Not everyone is born for this. Being a hero isn’t about looking sexy, or letting them treat you like a piece of meat. It’s about finding danger and facing it to keep others from getting hurt. And you’re doing that. So you can damn well decline any of these publicity engagements that have you doing things you’re uncomfortable with. They’ll tell you to just go through with it, and not make a fuss, but they’re wrong, okay? Set up your boundaries now, because you’re allowed to. Do you hear me? You’re allowed to.”

Keigo nodded again, a little dazed from her intensity. Or maybe her quirk. But she wasn’t using it right now.

Midnight let go of his wrist, and placed both hands on his shoulders. “I look forward to seeing more of what you can do. Up in the sky, not on some advertisement for a product neither of us is ever even going to use.” She raised a hand and put a finger under his chin, forcing his head up a little. “Now, don’t look like a scared little bird that’s just been a cat’s plaything for the past ten minutes. Or else there’ll be rumors about the two of us and this closet.” She laughed, and Keigo swallowed.

“Uh… yeah. Okay. Okay.” He was very off kilter now. Did she have that effect on everyone?

Midnight looked him over, and then gave a satisfied nod. “Good. Now, remember that you’re an ass kicking, whip smart, devastatingly handsome young man, and get out there.”

Keigo blinked at her, stood still for another second or so, and then turned and opened the door, his shoulders set, and the weight of his wings still heavy on his back.

He couldn’t wait to spread them again and get back to doing his actual job.

#hawksweek2020 #this is kinda vent-y in a way?#body insecurity cw #trans hawks isn't really a theme here but it's hinted at #because im *jazz hands* projecting #im also still not doing great but i didnt wanna skip two days #especially since i had the idea for this a while back #dysphoria cw #just a little

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