Lupa 2 10 and 12!

2. what sort of music would they like? have you thought about what genres or bands do they lean towards? do they have a favorite song?

I think Lupa would be a fan of both obscure 90s grunge rock and the more popular hip hop from the 90s. stuff she can work out and break stuff to but also just like lie down and dissociate with. there is a specific intersection between the two and it's mostly the "condemning commentary on society" bit. she likes music that validates All the Frustration that lives in her. i don't have specific bands really bc i take and pull from songs that kind of just fit her! but if you want a good generic vibe for how she relates to music i'd say "Too Dumb to Die" by green day and "Killing in the Name" by rage against the machine (i really love how these songs fit her, and also no, I know, they're not obscure lol) (i'm not creative with music related oc trivia sorries). here's her current "character arc" playlist but i don't really like it and want to edit it lol

10. if they wear jewelry, what kind? do they prefer silver or gold? do they have a favorite gem?

Lupa wears one golden hoop earring as a superstitious token of protection (in-universe, there is a belief that gold is a magical protective element for monsters). she also wears it bc she likes how it looks. i've thought about her wearing her brother's dog tags (one of the older ones was in the military. maybe) or spiky bands but haven't really added them to her wardrobe yet. favorite gem might be topaz? probably bc it's like her (werewolf) eye color

12. how long have they been around? do you know their birthday? is their birthday the day you made them or another day? what do they think of celebrating birthdays?

at the start of the series, Lupa is 17. her birthday is april 25th, 1975 (she's an april taurus lol). she was born on a full moon! (and in-universe, a blue moon). she really isn't a fan of birthdays for a couple reasons: she was supposed to have a twin; he died during childbirth and her parents never really got over it (yikes!). her siblings also are jealous that she gets a birthday all to herself tho bc they have twins lol (it's a werewolf thing). double-edged sword. and then uh. her 18th birthday is the stress-inducing-white-hair Bad Time (and i won't spoil, unless you ask!). i too would also like for her to have one happy birthday! oops.

also thank you for asking abt lupa here are some bonus sketches! <3

oc ask game! (send me more while i try to stay awake!!)

Started feeling kinda paranoid lately. I think it's due to stress. I feel like somehow my blog is being like... broadcasted to tons of people, including Dr. Fox, YouTube channel clinical psychologist.

I swear I feel like bro is making videos that mirror my shit and I get paranoid lol. But uh... pretty sure that's not happening and I'm just stressed out.

Tbh I guess... I've been dealing with paranoia for a while. In more like, "They're not being honest and they're being nice to get things from me," type ways. I have had auditory hallucinations w FEW times. But it's always when I'm stressed. I didn't feel I was manic or anything. And um... idk. I was hyper paranoid a while ago, thinking everyone in town was watching me and plotting against me, to kill me or send me away or whatever. I saw a black and a white car parked together and said to myself, "Oh boy. They know. I wonder if they're going to nab me and put me in one of the care." Just crazy shit I guess.

I haven't listed all the ways in which BPD symptoms have affected me since teen years and especially young adult and beyond. I wish Dr. Fox could be like, "Here's what's up. Sorry I can't treat you cuz like you live in a different state. But like you should do this to improve."

I suppose one of the most frustrating aspects is that I have been in therapy for like 10 years and I still have BPD issues.

I mean, I think my psychiatrist and therapist are right? I mean, I've pathologically expressed BPD traits since even before adulthood. And eventually was exhibiting all 9 traits.

I guess part of the thing too is... I do have unrealistic expectations of having my needs met. Because I guess? I have a lot of needs... I'm needy. And clingy. And when I inevitably fail? I spiral like a crazy person. I like... did awful shit to my ex. I split on her and said evil shit and I hate myself for what I did.

I wonder what the difference between moderate and severe BPD is tho. Like... my issues were so bad someone had to get the law involved because I was stalking them... which is absolutely valid. I'm working on being better and atoning. But um... I feel like I may have been moderate at one point, you know? But I feel like I progressed to severe. It was bad. Splitting, rage outbursts, risky behavior, constant freakouts, extreme emotional reactions to almost everything all the time, frantic efforts to avoid abandonment and spiraling to insanity and speeding and risky, dangerous behavior anytime I felt rejected or abandoned. Hurting myself all the time. Severe dissociation that has caused lapses in memory for years. Anger and rage that destroyed friendships and relationships and hurt family. Constant and overwhelming feelings of emptiness. Never knowing who I am and my identity shifting like the tides. Splitting and intense and obsessive relationships filled with fights and instability. Threatening suicide all the time. Being constantly suicidal. I got do in debt from impulsive spending that I... I had to take care if it but I was ruining my life. All this shit and more.

I feel like it was severe. I mean, it felt severe, right? It destroyed my life. Sometimes I wonder if I even have bipolar disorder at all and if it wasn't just BPD. But I'm pretty sure I do have bipolar disorder because the meds help to a degree.

But I still have had really bad BPD symptoms even on meds. But the amount that I've improved? It is astronomical. It is a massive change. I was doing therapy twice a week, and every other day at first I believe. I had no self and tried on every disorder in the book because I didn't want to have BPD tbh. I tried to convince myself I was evil because then I wouldn't feel bad and myself for what I'd done and my therapist and psychiatrist were like... "What's wrong with this diagnosis? Why is it so hard to accept?" And I was like... if I accept it, then I actually have to work on myself and problems. I can't keep lying to clinicians lmao. And... I was scared and ashamed and full of self hatred. Y'all should have seen me the first year or so with my new therapist. It was a fucking MADHOUSE. I got paranoid about her, thought she was involved in some great conspiracy against me, every crazy, paranoid, delusional thought? She became a favorite person and I'd split on her constantly. I threatened her and said I hated her and had to fight my mind's desire to lash out her or stalk her. I learned everything I could about her online... I was acting like a fucking psycho lmao. The level of unhinged shit I sent her in text? Constant all day every day.

So.... idk. I lied to my first therapist literally all the time. I don't even know why. I never told her about the severity of my real issues. I lied and lied and acted cool and fine, but eventually, as she peeled back the layers, she saw my emptiness and the void and my constant instability and rage and pain. I just... I was so guilty and ashamed and just... I didn't want anyone to know what was going on. I barely talked about abuse. I never mentioned being molested and all the horrific shit that happened.

So my BPD fucking... metastasized. I grew and spread and soon I was just a fucking disaster of a human being.

Idk.

I wish sometimes that I could have help from someone like Dr. Fox. But... again. Different state. My psychiatrist and therapist are helping immensely. But... idk.

Fuck

passport photo got rejected AGAIN 

/flips a table