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commander-orca · 2 years

Text

Fanfiction: Bloomed through the withers

Chapter: 1/1

Status: Completed

Tags: Rochalizo X Suoh, kid!Suoh, kid!Tokusa, teen!Tokusa, teen!Suoh, teen!Rochalizo, brief Tokusa X Suoh, brief Suoh X Tonoko, a journey about Suoh growing up basically, angst, loneliness, emotional distanciation, homophobia, internalised homophobia, sexism, the two are often linked anyway, I don't think the Mud Whale people are that prejudiced but I like it for the angst, first kiss, first time, happy end, time skips, death anxiety, craving intimacy, touch deprived, sex deprived, sex, handjobs, dysfunctional erections

Note: I think it's the fourth fic I do on them & honestly I'm still loving it as much, I intend to write more. I'm sooo happy this idea has come to fructition cause I've been dragging it for many months w/ me but I never got the time. Uni is tough. Hope y'all like it :)

༻Suoh POV beginning༺

"So have you found him yet?"

"Not yet!"

"It's not like his hair helps..."

It was another morning of pale streaks of lights, the flapping of sheets that flew in the warm east-wind and the cries of seagulls. It could have been just us that were awake, playing hide and seek in the garden, enjoying the coolness of the air and the soft humidity of the trees while the sun still lowered on the shore. Us, a group of children whose frantic energy knew no bounds but whose laughs were still disciplined by the older ones with us. We began laughing heartily and under their gazes, stifled them in hushed tones. They were conscious not to wake up the rest of the island but gladly devoted themselves to having fun with us, while we were careless and didn't learn.

I hid behind a palm tree, peeking every so often from my spot to watch my friend struggle to keep in place in the nearby bush. My eyes closed in amusement. The littles had tried too hard to find the ultimate hideout. I knew I'd have stood no chance at tag but waiting for a long time in silence I could easily do. The moss that grew on the tree melted with my hair and even if it wasn't such a sophisticated spot, it was a sustainable position. A shadow flickered over me and I tensed, cutting my breath short, waiting for it to pass. It ignored me and walked to the bush to get the other kid; it was obvious, the bush trembled so much. I heard a scream of disappointment and then I knew only me was missing.

"Come out Suoh!", called a familiar voice.

I smiled and pressed harder against the bark. I wouldn't let them get me so easily.

"You win... I give up, I'll never find you, genius".

I kept silent, feeling the leaves brush my cheeks and I felt some tickling on my skin as some ant was probably going up my arm now but I was determined.

"If you get out now... I'll make you fly again! You know, now that I've grown more muscles, I can send you up to the moon and back! And I bet you could a see a star from up close..."

"Wait, really??"

My voice echoed in the little forest and I immediately smashed my hand against my mouth. I couldn't help but blurt it out. The footsteps came closer and slowly circled my hideout.

"Even with such a nice hint, you still can't be found... Ah, this is so frustrating... Hmm..."

I took deep breaths, giving away no signs of presence, my fingers still parted on my open mouth. My eyes traced loops from right to left, but I coudn't turn around now for they were too close and if I did, my back would brush against the leaves in the bush. Eventually, the sounds came right behind me and I felt a hand touch my back.

"Found ya!"

I screamed, taken by surprise but my scream immediately followed with laughter as the person who'd found me dragged me out and lifted me up in their arms.

"There you are, you little prankster!"

At that time, Tokusa was around 8, which was 3 years older than me. We'd known each other for a long time, grew up together. He'd felt like an older brother to me, other times acted more like a mentor. I giggled and shrieked, trapped in his arms while he swung me around affectionately. I put my hand against his, his hands quite big next to mine and pulled his shirt a little, my eyes now filled with hope and curiosity.

"Is it true you can make me fly to the moon?"

Tokusa laughed and shook his head, now eyeing a very obvious pout on me.

"You lied?! No fairrrr... You're mean..."

He used his spare hand to tickle my side and I was giggling again. As I started huddling against it, he stopped to ruffle my hair and I babbled happily. I absolutely adored when he did that. The others were of the opinion that he spoiled me too much but it all had come from him who was a cuddler in nature.

"It's not really lying if that's my objective! I'm gonna do so many push-ups and one day I'll be able to launch you this far!"

I gazed at him with dreamy eyes and asked in my little reedy voice:

"And then you'll make me land on a cloud?"

Tokusa looked back into my eyes with a bold look.

"Yeah, promise. But for now, I can just make you fly a little, that's already good, no?"

"Yesss! Tokusa! Tokusa! Make me fly, pleaseeeee", I begged, raising my arms up excitedly.

He followed my command, carrying me by the armpits and lifted me up before him at arm's lenght. I was wiggling excitedly, waiting for him to put me up. Slowly, very slowly, he brought me above his head, watching as I writhed and peeped. He was teasing me with anticipation, knowing how much I loved the game. He brought me back, closer to his head to gather speed and then launched me into the air. I shouted in joy, feeling the air move around me in fast cold gushes and feeling free. He threw me up several more times and each time, my smile widened and I cried for more, more until Tokusa's arms would be too tired.

When he put me down after a while and curled me back up in his arms, I whined a little that it was over so soon but thanked him abundantly. He walked a few steps with me his arms and I think I fell asleep for a few minutes because I didn't hear his friends come around.

"Seriously?? You're still with Suoh?"

"We were playing a game!"

"I know but you're always with him. Come a bit with us".

They left and I pretended I'd just woken up. Tokusa smiled down at me and put me down, telling me to go back to my house circle. I guessed he was telling me so that he could play with his friends and I wrapped my arms around his leg so he wouldn't go. He laughed and stroked my hair.

"I can't stay with you forever, I wanna do other things too, you know?"

Frustration welled me up and I started crying on his knee. He patted my back, knowing it was just a child's tantrum and that I was more sensitive than others, my emotions storming up whenever I felt the slighest bit hurt.

"What are those big crocodile tears? Hm? Here, it's gonna be okay".

He lifted me up again and huddled me against his shoulder, holding me tight. My tears dried a few moments after and I was back at hugging him joyously, having almost forgotten I'd been crying in the first place. He had began walking up the hill with me to bring me back home and he reminded me of that halfway. I pouted again but let him do it this time.

He left me at the door where two other friends waited for him. I jumped against him and hugged his leg again. I was letting him go only reluctantly. My affection for him was raging in me.

"I'm gonna marry you Tokusa!"

His two friends bursted out laughing.

"Why's he saying that?"

But Tokusa didn't mock it and just smiled.

As I grew up, we played even more often together. I loved that his game ideas were gentle and that he made sure to give me chances to win. I'd never known a parental figure; I'd been told that my parents had died shortly after my sister had been born and I believed that, being barely able to remember their faces, if only a vague souvenir of smiles and warmth. I didn't really miss them. Other Unmarked took good care of me and gave me all that I could've lacked, but overall, I never felt like it became the agent of my growth and fulfillment. I had Tokusa to thank for that. I'd always thought he was the first to guide me by the hand where I was too scared to go, the first to make me aware that kindness healed the world and to teach me how to weaponise it for myself and others.

He and I were like family when I was young. He'd be the first I'd come to for advice and he'd make me laugh when I got needlessly anxious about the little things of life. My love for him was strong and his for me seemingly endless. But I realise now that I'd idealised our relationship. I must have been an annoyingly needy kid a few times. I found myself always in his arms, clinging to him. I admired him greatly and his voice and good mood soothed everything. I was 9 by then and I'd not made any friends, something that was a little difficult for me due to my shyness.

"Go play with your friends Suoh! See, they're waiting for you", Tokusa urged me to do, gesticulating at an invisible person, while I clutched to his chest, implicitly asking for more cuddles.

"I don't want to playyy...", I'd say but he knew to interpret this as me being too intimidated to play with others.

He sighed and kept me rocking me a little, giving me what warmth and safety I wanted. Something in me felt whole when he touched me and protected me. I wanted this to be my place forever. And selfishly, for Tokusa to never find any sweetheart so he could keep fondling me.

It'd been acceptable when I was a small child that I would always want him to hug me and carry me. I imagine Tokusa spoiled me and the others let us because they thought it was simply the temporary and usual spoiling of a child who'd grow out of it. But I wasn't growing out of it and people had started to talk. Some children gave me weird looks sometimes; some had started to get bolder, bossier and asked me why it was that I never hung up with anyone my age and spent all the time in another boy's arms who was not my family.

Soon, Tokusa who was athletic and brave got selected for the army training. I was happy for him; I couldn't have seen anyone else so competent take on that role but I didn't get to spend as much time with him because he trained a lot and it bummed me out. By the end of the day, he came back exhausted and my own duties had started to get bigger too as I'd been asked to work in the infirmary a little because fevers had increased this season. I missed our moments cruelly but got somehow used to it with some resignation and when I did get to see him throughout the day, I rushed to him and didn't let go of his hand. Whenever he was on break, I would spend it with him, coaxing his arm or holding him, listening to his new adventures. And I knew he genuinely liked to be with me and found me cute. But people's silent criticism swole around us the more days passed and I thought perhaps that I'd imagined it. But paying attention, I could see some whispering, others pointing their fingers at me discreetly.

One time, Tokusa came to see me personally at the infirmary. I was preparing a rheumatism ointment, helped by an older Unmarked. My smile hit the highs when I saw him get in there and waved giddily, asking if he needed anything. But Tokusa turned to the girl whom I assisted instead and asked if he could borrow me a second. Being in the army, it was hard to refuse anything to its members and so he got his wish granted and we both walked out. I jumped into his arms and asked him if this was a plan to be sneaking out. But he wasn't reciprocating my joy and I then got down from his arms and waited until he told me what bothered him.

"Look Suoh, I... love you very much okay? But there's a thing I need to say..."

I waited patiently. I didn't think it could be that bad.

"People are saying you're a bit too clingy with me. And I agree. I love giving you hugs but I think it's a bit too much what you ask you know? I'll keep giving them to you because it makes me happy to see you happy. It's just that they say it may be getting in the way of you making some friends, so perhaps you could ask for a little less? And try to spend some time with other children?"

Once again, frustration filled me up and I retorted I knew some siblings who were equally clingy with each other. I said that he and I were like siblings. But the moment I said those words, they immediately felt very wrong and I fell silent.

He explained the problem to me in a very gentle way, careful not to make me sad. He said he wanted me to make other friends my age and become a healthy and sociable little kid who didn't get scared of others. That one single person could rarely ever satisfy us in life. I nodded and said I understood. He looked for any signs of me being sad but as I looked fine, he smiled at me, said he would see me tomorrow and waved goodbye. I walked back in the infirmary and performed my tasks pretty badly until noon, unfocused, my mind swarmed with confusion. And eventually, a realisation came to me. I'd been thinking so much about Tokusa that I'd not cared about much else. I felt like having binge-read a big fascinating book and having come to the end, rediscovering the outside world and not knowing how to apprehend it again. I realised I might have been obsessed with Tokusa and that perhaps it'd made him uncomfortable. But it still made me angry that I had to moderate my affection; being with Tokusa had always made me feel this warm and fuzzy feeling in my stomach and I could find it in no one else.

From then, I tried to follow his advice and mixed in more with my peers. It was hard at first. To everyone, I was the kid who hurt himself all the time and didn't have many opinions of his own, or none that he voiced out loud anyway. To those I formed bonds with, I was the pushy kid who got very upset for every injustice he saw, including the criteria for games. I was also the one who worried about his sister dying when she was only 6 and ran around the village, testing weird theories for weirder cures, folding my little hands to avoid crying.

I formed bonds with a handful, sympathising a minimum and though those bonds never turned out as close as the ones I had with Tokusa, and though I started to understand I'd always somehow feel more in tune with people older than me, I began to feel a little happier that children my age made space for me and accepted me. It made me recognise that I'd inflicted this rejection onto myself like a self fulfilled prophecy. But still acknowledging that, I felt somewhat different from them. Besides, the physical care and attention I would give them as a form for my affection would always go unnoticed or ignored on purpose. A silent message of 'boys don't really do that' perhaps. I gave up on being affectionate to my male friends since it made them uneasy and made me feel needlessly needy. With the girl friends that I'd recently made, I found out that some of them didn't mind the affection, but it strangely didn't make me feel the same spark. I still saw Tokusa a lot.

In the middle of August on that year, the kids would ran through the gardens and hills, challenging each other to a race. The island had seen some of its hottest days and as due to the heat, elders and young adults had preferred to keep inside during the day, most of their offsprings had grown bored to death and in need of a distraction. There had been better ideas than the one than the one that was running in the sun wearing no headdress, yet kids were at their liveliest at that age, especially in this country, so would our elders tell us. The thought might not have crossed our minds fully fledged but we all had parents, siblings and acquaintances who didn't appear as energised as they had been before their thirties, so we all took that as truth and never held back.

The race had begun as a one-on-one competition; the runners would start off from the weathercock house where the grass took root, sprint through the meadow and between the tiled mud of the vegetable gardens, the bamboo bushes and around the sand fountain, to finish at that spot where grass eventually ceded ground to sand. The decided track would often be hurriedly neglected as all the sour losers would haggle over the end mark in a jolly hubbub of whines that swallowed temporarily the buzzing of grasshoppers. The to-be-runners' legs shook from excitement and adrenaline. All very thrilled as we were, it was a cruel thing to ask that they would all patiently wait for our turns, although my knees were covered in band aids.

By the fourth race, two other kids joined and hustled through, screaming. By the fifth race, everyone was running down. We had needed no common agreement, sign, noise or nod; when the kid whistled and launched the race, we all rushed off to the end of the slope. Kids collided into each other, moved their arms around in whirls, giggling, all in a mess of shouts, messy hair and sweat. Those from behind raced those in front and we squealed in a reaction that was fun mixed with mild panic. When the last person who I'd heard breathing heavily behind my back finally caught up with me and got ahead, I realised with a peek over my shoulder that I was the last.

Among the children a few were my age, some a little older, some a little younger but in broad terms, most of us were between 8 and 10. Despite quite an age gap with some, they all ran faster than me. Having bad stamina, I was always the one lingering behind, stopping to catch my breath, to soothe a leg cramp or a stitch in my side. I stopped at half the half of the track, the air hot in my swollen throat and tried to adjust my breathing. As I was bending forward, palms on thighs, I heard a cry, obviously directed at me which had begun to approach; someone calling me from afar. A boy was sprinting in a straight line towards me, waving, and soon, he was standing before me, his skin red and damp, looking not the slightest out of breath.

His cacao hair and friendly face called to mind a few familiar talks we'd exchanged – probably not a talk that I'd have found meaningful but the kind that was fun and left you with the sensation that you'd let yourself off the hook. His name was Tonoko and he wasn't a part of my children circle, where I slept, had meals and hung the sheets with four other kids who, like me, had lost their parents because they were Marked but I knew he also lived in one. Since the circles were like a household, we were bound to some duties and regularly spent time with our bedfellows, thus becoming generally close to those first. But the Mud Whale was also a big family and it was a general feeling that we all wished to get to know each other better and get along. For some other reason, somewhat he intrigued me and this week, I'd often found myself engaging conversation even though I didn't like that he kept pattering about rock-climbing on the Elders' gathering room. And he had seemed to like me as well, although he couldn't wrap his mind around my distaste for loud games and my awkwardness after a while around his many friends.

He said he had been looking for me, that he was sure I'd still be scampering about up here and asked if I had fallen, if I was feeling okay. Nodding, I told him that I was and he impatiently but kindly waited for me to take three more deep breaths before handing over his hand. He had come fetch me to take me to the place where the others were. When I gave him my hand, he grasped it firmly, as though wanting to make sure he would guide me to the end point safe and sound. I definitely wasn't the shiest one, nor the crybaby of the group, but I think some of the boys acted protective towards me. His hand was moist and rough but I still liked the feeling of it in my hand. On the path, I expressed my gratitude to him that he'd come fetch me, happy that people cared enough to want me around despite my low physical abilities and relieved that we would be walking there, which meant my heart would be getting some rest. But before I knew it my heart hadn't slowed down and as long as Tonoko kept pulling me by the hand, I felt my cheeks burn all the way down to the clearing. I thought about that hand in mine when we initiated the next game, when some of the kids got heat strokes, when we went to eat in the evening, and as I went to sleep.

We saw each other the next day, Tonoko walking by the spot where I was picking mushrooms for soup. I got very shy for the first time of my life, wiggling the basket around my hips, and barely knew what to talk about despite wanting to. He took it as me being my usual self and we sat in the grass against the lime tree whose roots grew close to the Belly, each of us forgetting our tasks to chat excitedly about the next children game. Mid-talk, I interrupted him to point at a spider bouncing in his hair and he screamed, almost cried, begged me altogether to take it off. I was laughing, amused at that he would fear something so small while he kept writhing. His constant agitation moved the spider to his neck and by that time, he was a complete mess as I tried to catch it with my hands. When I got rid of it and swore, to his demand, that I had done so, he hugged me very tight and whispered his thanks into my ear. Something burst in my stomach when I felt his head against mine, like a swarm of fireflies, and I thought it was weird enough that I felt so uncomfortable the more we got closer in our friendship. He backed off, oblivious to my sudden giddiness and turmoil, changed the topic and we went our separate ways, running away in opposite directions when we got caught by a counselor.

I'd been excited for this; I couldn't say I was friendless. I'd been befriended by many and knew who to spend the good times with, like this certain group of girls I joined on evenings to play with them and their dolls since two weeks. But I sensed in this friendship with Tonoko a special closeness that I'd never experienced. Most kids loved that I was pretty quiet and non-troublesome, because they had someone to ask for advice when they'd fought with their best friends and I was always glad to help, thinking it'd bring us closer, taking pride in that I never caused fights and deemed myself a good friend for that. But in the end, those who had fought would come even closer and they wouldn't share any more than the little they'd already shared with me. I knew myself appreciated but often felt like a discardable card in a deck when fun was the only requirement. In that aspect, I thought I'd found myself a new friend that would hear my secrets and have fun around me.

“You're not cool, but I like that you're not trying to be”, he had told me, talking me into climbing the lowest part of a rock he sat on, a few days later. I'd asked what he meant by that, a bit bummed because I'd have wanted to be cool too. Tonoko told me his friends cared more about being liked without the effort than than doing kind things and ending up being liked for them, as I was doing, from his point of view. I'd prepared to hear something I didn't like but turned out flattered and I gave him a little smile. He then asked if I was coming or not and I beat around the bush for a while, trying to hide that I was scared but he then extended his arms out. He managed to carry me up there and I stumbled on my knees, landing on his chest. Tonoko made sure to secure me with his hands on the sides of my body because I had two left feet and he was well aware. All this touching and him reacting with laughter to me, saying I was cute made me feel strangely euphoric and mellow. When I looked back at him, he asked me why I was blushing so much and I could only shrug coyly. A bird sang in the distance and, reminded of something, he ruffled my hair gently and said it made him happy that he could protect me. He held me in his arms to carry me down and by that time, I was glad he didn't stick around because I'd begun shivering a little.

More weeks passed and I didn't know what it was that he did to me, but I'd think of spending all my time with him, yet had begun avoiding him a little. I would walk in on him playing a game of tag with his friends and he would run up to me and touch my shoulder playfully, give me a bright smile that made my insides squirm and wrap an arm around my shoulder, opting me in. Would we play ball, we'd have a few passes and as I'd distractingly throw all of them at him, he'd come mess with my hair with a hard hand and tell me to let others play too. I pretended to have forgotten just so he could come up and touch my hair again. I didn't know why I did that. When we'd be alone, I would find it hard to breathe next to him, unable to stop my thoughts from rushing, fiddling anxiously when we argued about something I normally wouldn't have second-thought, yet feeling incredibly merry when he complimented me. It was odd how I didn't really take into account his opinion of me until recently, believing we were too different for each of us to have fitting expectations of each other. Yet, Tonoko's praises had come to mean the world to me and I shocked myself, pondering throughout the day more often that I wished to admit how well he'd think I was doing while executing any chore of the day.

The breaking point was when he sneaked into my room once at night, because we'd made big plans together; to eat the whole of our candy stock together hidden under the covers in case my bedfellows would worry or call an adult. We climbed into my bed and stifled our cackles into the sheets. He would always tell the best jokes and I wondered, a little envious, how convenient of an ability it must be, to find something worth of a joke in everything. But I also liked that I couldn't do it myself because he was there to make me laugh. We played hand games for hours, barely able to tell which sign the other did in the dark and pulled each other's hair mercilessly each time we thought one of us was up for a little cheating. All the while we ate sweet things until our teeth hurt and we felt like puking. We lay down to sleep when the first lights poured out of the curtains and his head had begun to hurt too. I had eaten so much sugar that I couldn't sleep so I poked him a bit. Tonoko complained, half asleep and tried to grab me by the armpits with his eyes closed but it was my waist that fell into his hands. I froze, feeling my body react to his hands with warmth and chills. He apologised, removed his hands and joked around that my armpits had suddenly dropped way lower. My mind had gone blank and hadn't understood why but all I did for the rest of the night was getting closer, inch by inch so that his hands would brush against my waist again by accident – one that would be carefully planned. I made it happen thrice and the sensation that flowed through my body felt both delightful and forbidden. With a smile in his voice, he told me to back off gently after the first time. After the second time, he got a little annoyed and asked me what was wrong with me. On the third time, he pushed me away hard and asked if I was doing it on purpose, said with anger in his voice that he would push me off the bed if I did it again. I couldn't possibly reply and was too ashamed to. We fell asleep.

Tonoko was gone when I woke up and I felt both sad and relieved. I sat in bed for some time, my covers wrapped around my body and the sides of my head and watched the rain fall on the village. I watched it for a long time as it wetted the gardens, darkened the sand walls and greyed the sky. Basking in the smells of rain and humidity absentmindedly, I rubbed my cold fingertips against my freezing toes and listened to the sound of water gurgle down the gutter and land in little splashes. I began cradling myself a little, to soothe what I was feeling. I didn't know myself what exactly was this hurt in my chest. Dark clouds were swarming above my head and the last few voices that I could hear outside disappeared indoors. I had liked to think that staring at the storm would make me come up with an explanation to what was wrong with me. But I'm pretty sure it didn't help at all. The only thing I achieved on that day was to remember what would always come after it rained, what tradition of ours would always follow after the rain. The stress and discomfort I felt from picturing myself in that imminent situation twisted my throat and the sobs popped in my closed mouth until they were so big I let them out and cried.

My bedfellows didn't understand. They had heard the ruckus my friend and I had done but had been really nice in that they wouldn't be telling on us. When they found me crying in bed, they worried about me, but I knew I was a good liar and pretexting a fever and a huge stomachache from the candies was enough to have them believe me. I spent the day in bed at their care; I was brought soup, fruit salads, honey tea from the infirmary and a few comfort plushies. I thanked them all for their consideration and felt even worse to be deceiving them like this and abusing of their kindness. Before going to bed, they sat down on my covers and mentionned tomorrow's onsen. At its mention, I felt my heart beat anxiously like it had earlier and tried to divert their attention to something else but as some of them had been excited for me to go with them, there was no way around it. I let myself be convinced too easily, not knowing how I could avoid such an important cultural rite for our island if I'd already let shown that it was merely a negligible cold.

Although highly unwilling, I still found myself standing in front of the male onsen fitting rooms. The towel I held in my hand was wet with the sweat on my hands and I was looking around, praying for a distraction. I came in with my bedfellows who patted my back in support, thinking I still felt a bit feeble. Since we were kids, people didn't mind us stripping down and walking around in the cabin naked before going to the bath. They didn't mind us either when we'd run around naked in the rain or after the weekly showers during the summer. We had kids' bodies and nobody including us cared that our bodies were revealed, it was only skin, it had only ever been what we were made of, what protected us, what warmed us. But I think that as I undressed, I felt shame regarding my body for the very first time. Suddenly, I didn't feel like walking up there in the nude and taking the risk that people's gaze could be on my body, even for a few seconds. My body had been doing unpredictable things to me recently and had reacted in ways that I'd never known before and it made my chest cramp at the fact that I would be going there, exposing my weird reactions for everyone to see without the reassuring protection of clothes. I'd stripped down completely but still hid behind my towel, hoping to delay as much as possible the moment where I'd be letting it go. However, getting in the water, I realised that, since we were a bit late, almost no one payed attention to us. My bedfellows walked in a place where the water went up to our middle and we settled there, exchanging jokes. Sometimes, a grown-up or a teen would come and greet us. It didn't feel so bad, I thought to myself, thinking I'd dramatised everything and beginning to relax. But I knew he would come around eventually and he did, choosing the moment where I felt most comfortable to swim by. He didn't see me immediately but I did, and my cramping resumed. My eyes slid on him and those thoughts of touching skin I'd been trying to repress took over. I'd never looked at anyone like that. And I felt even more ashamed that I was in front of so many people. Everything in me burned as I watched Tonoko swim and stared at the way his shoulders rolled and the water on him dripped. As soon as he saw me, he started swimming in my direction. I panicked and went as fast as I could to the exit.

Why are you avoiding me?, was a question that he asked me a few days later, having noticed I had put up many tricks as not to see him. I had overslept, taken different paths than the one I'd normally take, pretended I wasn't home or busy with something, made any invitation of his being declined by my bedfellows. He had finally cornered me as I'd tried to walk as fast as I could, coming back from the fields but had tripped on the way and hurt my knee. I didn't look at him. I didn't know what to say. He asked me to talk to him, said that I was being a weirdo. I apologised for the trouble but he got even angrier, asked if it was something that he did. He wasn't entirely wrong but I knew the problem was me and so I shook my head. It was when Tonoko kneeled down with me and confessed that he missed me that I knew I didn't want to lose him. I convinced myself that I could fight the urge and resist my body's reactions. Because his friendship was precious to me and I'd had tons of fun with him and we had shared secrets that had brought us closer. Eventually, I looked him in the eye, cooking half a lie and half a truth; I told him I'd been avoiding him because I thought he no longer wished to be my friend after what had happened. I lied that I'd only done what I did last night because I was cold and he had warm hands. Perhaps he was ready for whatever truth to get this issue over with, but I got him convinced on my first try.

I think I fully realised what was happening to me on that night. Tonoko and his friends fooled around with the clay mask that each of them wore on their faces alternatively. They chased each other with that ugly mask that represented the face of a monster from our tales and its deformed facial traits; a large pointy nose, big meaty lips, bloody eyes... He asked if I wanted to play and his friends complained that I'd fall too easily. I agreed with them and sat on the side, watching them, fearing I'd get bumped in if I joined and not knowing how to act anyway. I saw him take on the mask and run after them. When he caught one of his buddies, he acted like the boy was a prisoner and him the evil king of some land. The boy asked what he could do to get his freedom back and my friend, in his best monstrous voice, claimed he was a princess in disguise and needed a kiss from one of his assailants. The boy uttered an 'ew' sound and struggled a bit but by then, both of them were laughing and the others encouraging him. The boy winced and said he'd only ever do that above the mask, leaned in and pecked the monster on the lips. The playground filled with roaring laughter. The two of them backed off and wiped out their mouths, mimicking spitting sounds. Unbeknownst to me, my eyes had filled with water. Something in my thorax hurt and my legs twitched, trying to decide if I should go away. That stupid kiss replayed in front of my eyes again and again. Tonoko walked up to me, the mirth still on his face as he took off the mask and ask me if I needed anything. I chickened out and let him see my tears and my red eyes. I said it was the allergies and he didn't question it. He told me some kind words and dried my tears with his fingers.

He went back to the game and I home, frustrated, angry at myself and painfully lucid. My sister had friends who had the habit of falling in love with a different boy every week. Whenever love had struck them, they'd comment on the same things; wanting to be around them, wanting to make them happy, wanting to touch them, to kiss them and getting jealous when someone else was with them. I'd never thought about why falling in love with girls didn't interest me when male friends would try to awkwardly hang out with them. I got often envied for how I was able to befriend girls so easily, to talk to them which for me, didn't came up as an issue. I got teased too for saying I didn't want anything out of them. For saying there was nothing I wanted to do with girls about romance. Was this even possible I could have fallen in love with a boy? I could go on doubting for a long time but eventually my body didn't lie and if I'd felt all those things, even thought about kissing him, and wishing so strongly I'd been that boy who'd kissed the mask, then there was no doubt. Had it already happened to someone before? Had any boy here ever loved another boy? Or was I alone? I had many questions but didn't want to turn to anyone else. I thought I already knew how other people would react. I recalled too clearly the disgust in Tonoko's eyes. The disgust on everybody's face about the perspective.

I sat by myself in the afternoon, drowsing in the sun, watching other kids play again as I fiddled with my hair and dragged my slippers in the sand. I let out a little sigh, envious against my will. I was bitter that this new exciting friendship had caused me more exclusion than the desired opposite effect. Sat in the fresh shadows, some elders had begun staring at me; I could feel their gazes on me and overheard a few whispers as they rocked in their chairs and adjusted the covers on their laps. I'd not minded being alone as much as I felt now and I felt even miserable that others had chosen this moment to notice it, now that it weighed on me. I folded my hands and held tight.

As a consequence of our talk, I'd tried to act as natural as possible, despite it being difficult now that I was aware of my own feelings. This time, we sprawled in the flower field, telling each other stories and making up what we would be when we grow up. We had felt comfortable enough to sit close to each other, our shoulders touching. It was driving me crazy but I'd sworn I would not let that disturb me. Instead of focusing on my body sensations, I poured my energy into asking questions about his friends. We came to talk about how his friends viewed me and how they didn't understand why he hung up with me. I asked why and he said that they thought of me as a wimp and a mood downer. It gave me a lump in the throat and I started feeling low but Tonoko immediately followed with saying that he liked me because of my softness, because of the way I listened to people and also for my openness. I was touched and almost reached out for his hand but, knowing that would scare him off, I went for a small punch in the ribs. He laughed and said he really thought that. He added that spending time with me felt different than spending time with any other boy. That he sometimes felt like he wasn't with a boy but a girl. He said he liked it that way, that he loved our friendship very much.

Tonoko had meant it as a compliment but it'd made me feel worse than I'd ever felt and I went to bed feeling very confused about those words I'd just heard. Why didn't our friendship feel like he was friends with a boy? Because I had little body strength and preferred to play with the girls? Because I liked my hair long and felt happy when people went out of their ways to protect me? Because I cried easily? Come to think of it, most boys weren't like me, except perhaps for a few. He had sowed doubt in my mind and I began to ponder more and more. I went working in the fields and my sister stopped by to show off her new saimia skills. She could always tell when I was feeling down and hugged me tightly. I sighed and let my question slip, asking her if she thought I was a girl. She shook her head and asked me where I'd got that idea. “You're just a special boy”, she said to me. But far from calming my doubts, I kept asking myself what it meant even after she'd left. I didn't want to be a special boy. I was tired and sad of standing out. I wanted to have things in common with people and not be alone and have feelings that no one could accept. I didn't care about being special. I wanted to hold hands with that boy and pretending like he didn't make me flustered anytime we were together made me lose my mind. I came to the conclusion that, perhaps, people who didn't fit in had yet to find where they belonged to. That it was a sign that something in me needed to be fixed. No one was meant to be as alone as I felt.

By the end of the day, I sneaked into my sister's house circle to ask her some new questions about girls but no one was home. I sat around their table, thinking it would be no issue if I waited inside. I'd met and was friends with the most of the girls here. They liked to call me 'honey boy', a nickname that I imagined, emphasised that they thought of me as kind and respectful unlike some other boys in stories I'd heard. The house was often messy; I was guessing none of them here was really into cleaning or were just plain lazy. I could see shirts on the floor near their beds, socks and underwear escaping from the covers. Half of those girls were older than Sami, older than even I was, and had started wearing bras. I was sure some boys would have felt lucky to be in my place, but I walked there and picked up one of the bras for a completely different reason. It was a white sport bra which was shaped like a straight band. I passed it through my fingers, inspecting it closely. I looked around briefly; no one had come yet. Behind the beds was a space where the girls would look at themselves in a long shiny mirror. Hesitantly, I took out the mirror and held the bra against my chest over my shirt as though I was wearing it. I was trying to feel something but my reflection only stared at me stupidly. This was a reaction that I couldn't condone. At this point, I was convinced I had to feel something, like the pieces of something that had to click together. Removing my shirt, I put on the bra, borrowed two lemons that lay in the basket on the table and put them in. I also snatched a skirt from the cupboard of one of the girls and looked at myself again. The reflection that was sent back to me made me feel bubbly and excited. The skirt was pretty and made me feel like a colourful bird, the bra wasn't comfortable to wear and I didn't know how to feel about those two new bumps on my chest but I didn't hate it either. I undressed and hurriedly hid any traces of what I'd done but kept the clothes and the lemons. I promised myself that I'd work harder at the fields and would sew faster at the atelier to give them back what I'd taken. I hated that I'd stolen, but I thought i was onto something and that it was forgivable for the time it took me to realise this very something.

Further trouble came up the more often I'd try on the clothes and get into this play-pretend of being a girl. It made me feel better for a reason I couldn't quite place at first and I would take them everywhere with me in a little sack. When I got a moment to myself between the house chores and the gatherings, I'd seek to be alone to put them on and twirl around. It must've been this satisfaction I felt to know that with this appearance I could be like myself and not feel like an isolated case. In these clothes, I was allowed to have the thoughts I was having. I thought dressing up like this and picturing myself as a girl was the only way for me to turn into someone normal. I daydreamed of being able to walk in such garments outside, seen by the boy I liked and imagined that then, he would fall in love with me. My little joy lasted for a while and for a while, I was happy to look like what people thought I should have been born as. Until I got caught by one of the mayor's assistant.

Recently, I'd been asked to do tasks for her a lot since she'd noticed me walking around, looking bored and unhappy and thought a little work would make me feel better. I'd consented because I thought being busy would empty my mind but hadn't expected to like reading reports so much. And the mayor's assistant had seemed pleased with my work, had said I had a 'lovely handwriting' and a sensitivity that was a precious asset. She'd requested I worked on the last pages of the notebook of the archivist who was ill that morning. As she went out to have lunch, I tried on my little outfit, delighted because she had a clean mirror in her office. I foolishly thought I'd hear her coming but she walked in on me, saw me inspecting myself in front of the mirror, wearing the little skirt I'd stolen from my sister and this bra I'd proudly sewn by myself, the lemons I had in there dangling against my flat breasts. I didn't react in time to avoid the humiliation that was being seen like that. But the mayor's assistant was kind and didn't make fun of me like I thought she would. She sat down next me and asked me if I was playing a girl for a theatre play with other kids. I felt tired suddenly of all the lies and the hiding and her kindness made me confess half of everything. I told her that I thought I was a girl. She asked why I thought that. Bursting into tears, I replied it was that I was just so bad at being a boy.

Too fast, and too unexpectedly too, the boy whom I loved fell in love. With one of Sami's friend. It was tough that I knew the girl and was fairly close to her but even more that through Sami, I was told all about the latest lovebirds' moves, their awkward little flirting and their lovesick rants. Learning it first from her, then, by hanging out the next day with Tonoko, I learned from him that he loved the girl back. I tried my best to support him and promised with a sting in my heart that I would help him get together with her. But this conversation was utterly painful for me and I surprised myself a few times, acting cold while he told me all that he loved about her, being a little rude and too brief in my answers, letting him rant alone and pretend I didn't hear, which I never did usually, all too preoccupied with making people feel heard. I don't think he took offense in that hopefully, only pulled me by my ribbon a few times teasingly. I could bet he'd somewhat noticed something was a little off but probably didn't think it was bad enough to comment on it and still ran his hand through my hair to say goodbye and hugged me. I hugged onto him a few extra seconds, imagining it was me Tonoko held like his lovebird, feeling so full with jealousy and bitterness. He thanked me for being so supportive and swore with such a charming blink that he'd help me the same when I'd get my own first girlfriend. That I was like a little brother to him.

I hurt myself attempting to understand where I'd gone wrong and what I could've done in order for him to fall for me. Those thoughts of the things I'd not done enough and the things I'd done too much roamed my brain until late that night. Had my voice been a bit higher maybe it could've been... Had I dressed and laughed more like her, had I moved my hands differently, had I worn my ribbon on the side of my waist like the girls did... I knew appearance did much. But sometimes, the sole fact that you could make someone laugh and act outgoing and confident was enough to have them fall in love with you and I bet myself up, thinking I'd missed my chance while repeating to myself he could never love someone like me.

I'd never wanted to be a girl this much. What luck they had... To simply be born like they were and being able to kiss the people that they came to love. Being them was enough to be treated as a potential lover for boys, for boys to think about them lovingly and wish they could hold their hands not even knowing what their faces looked like. I realised I wanted all that the girls had. I wanted any of the boys' reactions the girls induced when they entered a room and they suddenly acted a bit shy and dorky around them. I wanted the boys' looks that they gave them, looking at their female counterparts' hairs and faces, their breasts and eyes. I was sick of boys greeting me with the little punch that was just friendly. I wanted boys to be soft and tender with me like other boys acted around girls. I wanted boys to kiss my cheeks like other boy friends recently had begun to do their girl friends.

Soon enough, I ditched that idea. The mayor assistant came over to talk to me a few times and we talked about what I'd told her that time she caught me in those clothes. She'd taken my issue quite seriously and comforted me when I'd need it; I was happy to be understood to some extent. I trusted her and felt confident enough to tell her eventually, what thoughts I'd had about boys. She looked surprised. I searched the disgust on her face and prepared to flee, but I never saw that emotion on her, only benevolence. She rubbed my back and confessed to me that I was not alone, that her grandpa had been 'one' too. She smiled before my sparkly eyes and as I'd asked if she knew anyone else that was or had been, she replied that she didn't know. I begged her not to tell anyone and she promised.

I'd also had dreams where I'd finally become a girl but none of this sounded like what I'd always wanted to become. Seeing myself with female breasts and hearing myself speak in a female voice, being called a 'she'... Not that all of this felt particularly wrong, although a little weird but the most important thing to me was that I liked being Suoh. There wasn't a single thing that I wished to change about myself. I didn't want the girls' breasts and larger hips. I just wished what the girls had by extension. I just wished the boys would love my body, not my body as a girl's. I didn't want to pretend I was anything else that I was, dreading already the heaps of lies and guilt that would come along with this. The morning that followed, I went again to play dolls with the girls. Their third storyline of the day included a wedding and as they pushed a woman and a man's straw dolls together to make them kiss, I stared at those two. It had become clearer from the outside. I'd wanted to be at the girl's place but was not one. Obviously. And although I thought it migtht've made my life easier, I let go of that idea, letting go in the same breath, the hope I'd nurtured to be normal.

The boy I liked finally got confessed to. The two lovebirds spent several days holding hands and eventually turned incompatible. I was the first one, told from him, about their breakup that went down as dramatically as any children's breakups of our age.

When I was around nine and a half, I kissed that boy. We sat there on the stone stairs of the great garden, our clothes brown and golden from the throws at the Sand Returns, our faces equally stained and pink from having laughed and gathered sand in our arms. We sat next to each other, his arm around my shoulder and he was taking off the sand in my hair, joking that I must be attracting it for there to be so much. With Tonoko's hands in my hair, almost gentle strokes and his face so close, I was getting flushy again. I wondered if he'd ever thought of bewaring about making boys fall in love with him, in the same way he'd not get too close to a girl he didn't like for that same reason. He pursued, shaking off my ponytail and I was giggling because his hands tickled my neck. When he stopped, I regretted not having enjoyed this moment more, unsure if there would be any more where I'd get as close to what I wanted without getting it.

I'd been getting worse over the last months, falling deeper, stupidly deeper in love for him. I'd been unable to move on, because I'd gotten addicted to this feeling of being completely smitten for him. Tonoko smiled and told me my face was reddish again. “You look very pretty with that face you know?”, he told me, watching me take on even more colours. I asked for a confirmation of his sincerity and he laughed it off, saying I went fishing for compliments. It hadn't been my intent but he ended up giving me the compliments he thought I wanted. He said he did admire my hardworking and selfless personality, but said that it was my face that he liked the most. That he often looked at it in awe because it made him restless from the charm.

My hands were shaking on knees not so static too; I'd wanted to hear those words all my life from a boy. Thinking I was seeing a sign that he might want me, I went in without a thought, cupped his cheek softly and landed a peck on his lips. This bubbly feeling was back in my chest, stronger, like a boiling tide, and my stomach pounced, capsized. I felt so warm, my loose clothes suddenly stuck and tightened around my skin, the sensation taking me to the highest skies. The kiss had stunned him and he didn't move at first, but after I kissed him a second time, he grabbed off my hand and backed off, a deep look of confusion and mild horror on his face. “What are you doing?!”, he asked me. This time, I met his eyes frightened bravely. I felt doom in my stomach because I could already tell what his answer would be, but the need to let it out was stronger and I told him I was in love with him. He stayed silent for a long time and then, he got closer to me again and cupped my face. I tensed up, shocked and all ready to believe I'd been mistaken, my heart beating fast already. But he looked at me sadly and said:

“It's unfair Suoh... Because, you're pretty like a girl... If you were one, I'd probably be madly in love with you... But you're a boy. It's impossible for me to feel that”.

I cried myself to sleep that night, replaying those words he had said to me and vividly seeing that face of his when he had uttered them.

I assume Tonoko didn't tell anyone because the looks of children on me didn't change the next day. I went to play with them, but didn't stay long; I didn't have the heart to be cheerful and thought I shouldn't be bringing down the mood with my own sadness. What I didn't earn in jests or odd looks, I did earn in an uncomfortable friendship falling to shreds and the feeling of the inescapable loneliness that I would never be loved or kissed.

Perhaps I clad myself in those feelings and began smiling less and less. I'd found working was efficient to keep the bad thoughts and this languidness that paralysed me so I started working relentlessly. I'd help at the infirmary, went back to the Mayor's assistant to provide assistance in her office and ploughed up the fields during the hottest hours, immerged myself into my research for finding a cure for the Marked. On the few occasions Tokusa was free, I'd come fetch him and spend some time in his arms, regenerating energy but I wouldn't confide in him; he looked busy and for the time that I was there with him, I preferred to talk of positive things and cuddle.

The adults figured out by then that I felt lonely and would come and talk to me. I liked talking to the Unmarked adults because they understood my passion for the Marked's lives and we shared a deep love and compassion for them. Our discussions revolved around how to make their lives easier and how to cherish them and I found it comforting that other people thought about them as profoundly as I did.

To Mayor Taisha in particular and to the elders, I once avowed to feeling anxious all the time about all those lives that were cut short way too early, that the feeling stuck to me like a bamboo shoot would to the ground. Mayor Taisha looked like she was about to say something but closed her mouth. It was an elderly woman that pressed my shoulder gently. "You're very mature for your age, Suoh. You'll make a very sensible and caring adult. I wish some of the kids would be as wise and as thoughtful as you", she said to me. But I thought that she was wrong, so wrong. That a hundred of other kids like me would drive each other crazy with boredom, stress and despair. But I never saw what else was wrong in that reasoning until late.

I was miserable and would've been in need of someone to tell me it was alright for me to act sillily, to speak foolishly and make mistakes. Someone to comfort me and tell me there was no need for me to be politically correct all the time because it made me stay in my head all the time and distanced me further from others. I also wish someone had told me that it was alright to have fun and live while the people still died. Because my researches failed many times; of course, I was just a child, I wasn't helped and didn't have the knowledge that I have now. But it made me hopeless and the more defeats, the more I started feeling responsible for those deaths, convincing myself of the impossible bet that if only I'd found something, a few people would still be alive by then. And a few handfuls of them wouldn't be grieving. For a time, I had death in my thoughts all the time. I didn't enjoy my time with my sister anymore; we ate together, she made a joke and I pictured her dead in that very kitchen seat. She showed me her headstands proudly and I'd ponder what I'd be feeling when she'd be sent away during the funeral ceremony, her body straight and rigid in that basket filled with flowers. She'd kiss my face and I thought of what I would say to commemorate her and what I would remember of her when she'd be gone and of how much I'd be able to cry, let alone how much crying I'd be allowed for her.

It was during this period of time, as I sank slowly into self-hatred, anxiousness and dread that I was called to the Elders' gathering room to be suggested as the new apprentice Mayor to Mayor Taisha. It surprised me a little because I'd always had this idea of a young, bright, energic and benevolent mayor and to all regards, I would not have described myself with those words these days. Although, perhaps that was what others saw in me after all, but deep inside, I felt rotten, depressed and old. So very older than my 12 years. I had to admit however, that I fitted their criteria particularly well by sounding as inoffensive as I looked.

I'm not entirely sure if my work as assistant Mayor distracted me from my thoughts or confronted me to them even more but by being directly involved in how the Marked's lives were going to change, I began to see things from another perspective. I suddenly saw bigger and my thoughts shifted to more optimistic views, imagining what decisions I could implement, what many researches I could lead and launch, how I could change life around the Mud Whale to give everyone as much happiness and love. That thought was the driving force to my renewed life strenght. Little by little, I traded my sullen looks and attitute behind for smiles, my old embroided blouses that were too small for me anyway for the Unmarked's clothing. Something in me understood that I would not help as long as I didn't feel like I was deserving the role.

Somewhere along the way, I'd been informed that the Mayor never married to devote themselves to the people. They weren't teaching me anything new (but it must have been a warning), for everyone on the Mud Whale knew that no mayors had never had a lover or a child. And as a consequence, everyone also knew better than to get too emotionally close to the mayor, as to not fall in love. Fulfilling that role was a lonely position. And I got reminded that when I'd took on the role, my already aching loneliness would double, as I knew I'd have to cut ties with my family and any people I considered important to me, swear to not cause any harm and reject love. As to not get distracted. My old self would've refused, convinced they would one day, form a family with the one he loved. My current self took on the role in full knowledge of the facts; this was a chimera and if I couldn't obtain what I wished for, then I assumed it was better to surround myself in outside laws stronger than my own will, so that I could withdraw from that dream once and for all.

A part of me that still hoped rebelled against that idea on some days I sat alone among all lovers and melancholically thought there might still be a boy for me somewhere, however wrong it might be. But I made sure to keep that unrealistic thought for only my darkest hours, to keep me from despairing and throwing it all away. The other parts of me, in utter conflict with the former, condemned a betrayal to the Marked and what I ought to have been doing for their sakes. That I must devote myself fully to them or resign from the position, which until now and that I knew, was still unheard of. I would so often come to other's help and point at unfairness around me, but never apply it for myself. Regarding that rule, my inner sense of injustice never awoke and I wonder how I managed to maintain for so long such a painful cognitive dissonance. But despite severely missing an embrace and some friendly chats, I think I was happy.

Only one issue came to trouble me, two years later, instilling more thoughts of revolt in my mind. The second wave of my puberty hit me and with it, the mess of hormones and mood changes. By that time, I'd already distanced myself from my sister, addressing her more formally than I used to, still talking whenever I saw her but trying not to implicate feelings and if she would hug me, I wouldn't reciprocate. I wasn't worried about keeping my distances with her; I was leaving her in good hands, with Chakuro. I also began taking my distances with Tokusa, who understood I didn't move apart from him with pleasure. With him, I didn't let any more touching happen, still smiled at him when we crossed paths and caught up on his life, but what had begun to be the premices of feelings of love for him, I repressed with all my strenght. With both of them I diverted myself away, little more day by day, not wanting it to appear too harsh a cut, I would've hurt too much. Or perhaps it did hurt more that way but I didn't listen much to my emotions these days. I thought I'd had more or less everything under control. But hormones rushed in to sabotage me; my first steps in puberty felt incomprehensible to me. I didn't know what was happening to my body and as I was the mayor, those pieces of information had been deemed useless to tell me. I would never make children, never find love, never need to use Mother nature's latest adjustments.

But if I repressed my feelings for Tokusa, far from growing disinterested in love and desire as I'd hoped, I'd now look alaramingly often at boys' bodies, which seemed to be changing quickly just like mine. I'd be 15 by now and my eyes would linger on them and it'd be enough sometimes to feel lust boil under my every ounce of skin. When that feeling reached me while I lay in bed in the middle of the night, it was in those moments that lust truly made me feel the weigh of that loneliness and this need for a word, a touch, a connection, anything. In those moments, I wondered if the lust wouldn't consume me alive and make me sick.

Yet, I kept going and worked hard, tirelessly cheerful and all disposed to scatter joy and keep unspoiled the general wellness of us all and our harmony. I was proud of how far I'd gone and how I'd learned to couple my intrinsic empathy to a more agreeable and sociable personality I'd perfected through toiling and slow-paced unrewarding efforts while cultivating a sense of peace within me. But that peace sure dissipated as soon as I was alone and I craved another human skin against mine, some lips, a hand on me... Young people were starting to get together and I walked around giving blessings, congratulations and wishing them the best, swallowing deep inside my throat a vociferous envy. However, as long as I kept investing exertion, sweat and tears into our peace, I believed it would one day, reach into me too.

And I kept living for the Marked as I had always done.

Until one ship came and went away with our peace.

I'd prepared many times for Sami's death, expecting to witness her slow decrease in energy as she'd enter her twenties. I'd not prepared for this. I'd imagined many times I would cry my eyes out, miss her so much I'd hurt and speak a few kind words before sending her away forever. But her death didn't earn a single tear off my eyes and worse, had to squeeze the feels out of me, so that I could once experience missing her. I mainly felt a sense of oddness, because I'd always strived to give her a good life and expanding her lifespan among others had been a goal of mine since I was a child, but my numbness and the distance I'd put between us these past years had made me stiff. For a life-long dream aborted so soon and , I knew I was devasted and would've felt it if I could, but inside me was only passiveness and void.

War times turned the system upside down and our emotions that had been under surveillance since as long I'd known, toned down and suppressed, finally broke free from their strings and exploded in the midst of the chaos and grief. Suddenly no one saw fit that we kept them inside for as long as insecurity would reign. And I felt bitter; now that letting go wasn't frowned upon, I didn't manage anymore. But if I wasn't able to process it, the pain of loss rekindled the fear of losing more loved ones. After Sami's death, I took comfort in talking to Chakuro; sharing with someone the same pain and knowing you were understood made the process a spot easier although I thought I knew he was troubled that he still hadn't seen me cry.

In the same breath, I became closer again with Tokusa, an outcome I initiated. I hadn't known where to start again after all these years and brought him into my office pretexting army duties. My feelings retrieved, it was as though they'd never stopped and simply put, had been left on hold for several years but once unfrozen, were found by me unchanged, or even stronger from the wish, chasing the moments I desired to catch up with. And because, since I'd been 12, I'd persisted in becoming a talkative, naturally always joyful and people-loving person for the role. But at core, I'd always been a very private person and the people I opened up myself to were there to stay, and no matter how much time would pass, I'd assume this connection between us, once acquired, was acquired for ever. I had such a hard time letting people in that I couldn't see myself doing it over again.

This urge of rekindling our bonds went to my head and I invited him to my office, pretending to want to talk to him as his Mayor and not his Suoh. After some obligated small talk, I strayed off the armed forces' topic and began repainting the past in my small room that for seconds, seemed to shift to the pace of my memories as I narrated them and brought us back, like we had been. Tokusa's face melted fondly at me, because as I'd asked later, he was seeing a very genuine smile he did not see me make a lot anymore. Seeing I did not mind, he pursued the conversation in a more familiar tone and I followed after him, delighted. We talked about what we'd accomplished for those five years during which we'd drifted apart, what new opinions we'd endorsed and what dreams we held now as a young adult and a late teenager. It never ceased me to amaze me, in the most achingly sinister way, how you could talk to someone every day and how for cause of superficial talk, you could still slip through all the glows and bursts of someone's life and never be informed of a part of it if there was something that you never asked.

It troubled my mood for an instant but I was back on my excitement and we shared more of our lives, laughed, joked around and told each other sweet things. Under the candlelights, we raised a toast (for me a small glass of alcohol and for him water) honouring all of our successes and how far we'd gone despite a path full of pitfalls. The more hours passed and the more I unwrapped the private things I'd been keeping to myself, swearing and firmly persuaded that I'd never confide them to anyone as long as I'd be alive. I think a fraction of what I entrustred to him made him feel greatly uneasy. But I was past the point of stopping and he must have done so to counterbalance the unreasonable: he also unveiled to me some of his deepest desires and misfortunes. I listened carefully, basking in his emotions, feeling my calculated empathy being dismantled from inside, welcoming in anew my natural messy and scattered empathy. It made me feel incredibly good to feel again without a filter and those barriers I'd be required to put between me and people. To feel the closeness of someone's secrets and trust and to be deemed reliable to keep them.

The confessions between us exhilarated me, the air had gotten hot and I floated on my chair more than I sat there, Tokusa barely letting me breathe between the little jokes and his endeared gazes. I slipped in a word to him that I'd missed that, my eyes veiled by the blinding lights and the fast beatings of my heart. He expressed the same, giving me this honeyed smile that I recognised emerging straight from the memories of my childhood, because I saw this smile in my dreams often. He moved his head a little forward towards me, from him emanating a softness that chilled my back bones, held my shaking gaze and said he was beyond relieved and happy to see me happy. I giggled a little, charmed. He also said that he'd often worried for me. My eyes locked into his, my mind blanking, feeling a little heat go up to my cheeks. He confessed he'd never stopped thinking about me, hiding that he'd secretly wished I'd never been chosen as Mayor so that we could have stayed as close as we had been the entire time.

I lowered my eyes a little, feeling something breaking into me as he pronounced those words, but witnessing at the same time a new stength heavily tainted in sorrow. Locking eyes again with him, I placed my hand above his on the table and slowly entwined no more than the tips of our fingers. He lowered his eyes on them. I held my breath and dared to press my hand a little more, my fingers brushing against more skin. Tokusa's eyes rolled back into mine and I gave him a heavy look, one that must have been filled lust. He had no idea just how he was looking so attractive to me right now; or actually I was finding out I'd always found him very seductive and charming. I was realising in this moment, I'd always been in love with him. The lights and tiredness made me feel dizzy but I was sure I'd had acted this way at any time of the day, just with much less confidence. I wanted him. What bits of sorrow still filled me up, I was desperate to kiss them away. My eyes lingered on Tokusa's lips but I was still waiting for a reaction on my hand on his and I looked back up at him. It took no longer than a second to decode his expression and my insides twisted in anxiety as I heard him exhale a long sigh. My thoughts cleared up and suddenly, everything in my head started rushing. I should've never done that. What had I just done...?

"So you really were like this all this time..."

I blinked, my mouth dry. The stress worming its way slowly into me and blending with my craving.

"Like this...?"

"Even as a child you'd act like that. I'd suspected it, I was almost sure but... To be proved right..."

He bit his lip, shaking his head.

"I don't feel what you feel, Suoh. I'm sorry", he said, the grim in his voice coarse, and after a short pause, gazing back insistantly at our fleshes touching, "Please, take away your hand".

The atmosphere had changed, embracing us in a heavy web of regrets. I felt the panic rising in me, my legs quivering. He wasn't looking at me with the same eyes, didn't lean towards me with the same closeness and it made my throat sting. I tried lying but stammered.

"Y-You're mistaken... I didn't mean—

"Suoh".

Tokusa's voice rang into the room, firm and clear, but also somewhat gentle.

"You can't lie to me. You've been doing that since you were three. And you never stopped. All that touching... "

We both breathed at the same time, having held it back, but I had been doing it in fear and him in indecisiveness.

"You can't keep on putting the moves on people and then disguise your love feelings as a platonic caring friendship as soon as they catch you doing that. And it's worse if you let them believe they're the crazy one. I'm seeing through you".

I'd started shaking and he lowered his voice a little, the sound of his voice a soft hum.

"All those hugs you gave me where you'd not let me go, those looks, all the times you held my hand... I don't blame you, you were a child. But it's not fair for you to enjoy touches from others while claiming you're their friend when you and I both know you're after something else".

"I— I wasn't using you. I really lo—... I— You were really dear to me! You really were! ... Still are..."

I was on the defensive, my voice husky and breaking, talking fast. At the other end of the table, Tokusa spoke calmly, composed.

"I know this, don't worry... You are dear to me too".

I fell silent. Tokusa searched for my eyes.

"It was alright for you to do when you were little. But you can't do that anymore. You can't touch people in that way and except them not to be angry..."

"Are you angry?", I blurted out.

"No", he said, looking at me in heartfelt sympathy. "I'm saying that some people will be upset by it. And above all else, people don't like to be fooled and when others play with their friendships. Please take away your hand, Suoh".

I took it away. He rose from his seat; he was taking his leave.

"We could not protect those who left us. Won't you try to hold on to your self-control and protect the traditions in memory of them?"

I'd lowered my head, ashamed of myself, not bearing to look at him anymore. My fingers were folded, digging into the skin as I waited for him to leave and let me alone. He bypassed around the table and came to ruffle my hair gently, like he'd always done, except this time, his hand stroked my hair thoroughly and slow, as though he tried to convey all of his compassion and affection in a few strokes. At that point, I felt tears wetting my corneas and had to swallow a sob.

"I love you like family, Suoh. I've always believed in you and even more now that you're my Mayor. But because you are, I need you to make the right choices. The people of the Mud Whale and I need you. We're just waiting for you to guide us".

Tokusa should have known not everthing would go in my favour by the sole condition that my people would believe in me. I was extremely inexperimented and nervous and still grieving the death of my sister. The attack on the Skylos, the very first attack I launched on our enemy as the Mayor of this island resulted in a massacre, killing more than three thirds of the fighters that I'd sent there to sink one of the main pieces of their fleet. I sent children there to die. I sent Tokusa to die too. I'd dreamt of making our island a happy, peaceful place for each of its citizens and of finding a cure to the curse of their short lives. Now the blood of dozens of those people tainted my hands.

Everything before his death became blurry and hard to recall. But I remembered the soft pets he did through my hair and how he hugged me tight when I tied the luck bracelet around his wrist as the fighters departed to Skylos. That stupid bracelet which was worth nothing and took away valuable time that could have been used to study the logistics of the attack more in-depht. I'd braided them thinking it would comfort the fighters just like I'd dived into a much needed delusion for my own comfort.

For his death, I cried a little more than I did for the death of my sister, often crying at night in bed as my advisers had just left me. That thought made me fall into loops of guilt where I regretted not having cried enough for Sami. I cried because I missed him and felt agonising frustration that we'd just been able to get close a week before his death. I also cried for the selfish reasons that I'd just lost a person whom I had loved with my full heart and knew now, that I would never find someone like him again. I cried because I missed his affections terribly. Then, for weeks, I felt numb again.

And when the weeks left out of breath, a submarine crossed through our currents, landed on these shores and an unexpected guest walked out of it. And from the day we met, I stopped expecting anything.

Apart from the children, not many people would sit on the stone garden stairs. It had been a cold day and Rochalizo and I had chatted there for a while, sharing funny stories, and tales of his little cultural shock here. In spite of what he said, he'd gotten used to living with us quite fast and it was getting hard to believe that he'd only been here for a couple of months. An only reminder to that, was our talks and how we got to know each other a little more every day, quite excited that we still had so much to discover from one another and that the number of those differences didn't wear off. We were so different that I'm not embarrassed to say I hated him sometimes. I, who avoided getting into arguments, found myself provoking them when he'd said something offensive I couldn't let slide in no way. He was rude, harsh and had terrible values but he piqued my interest; I wouldn't have wanted to stop talking anyway.

There was something with him that had clicked almost immediately. We'd grown close by now. We wouldn't tell each other our secrets yet but we would know much about the other's little anecdotes that we told, our favourite books, embarrassing moments and how we relaxed after the day. I'd come to think about him in an affectionate way. He was an entire piece of my days now and I'd run around to look for him, recall a few of our jokes and giggle while I'd work alone, get excited to dine and try a new board game with him. I loved his intelligence and his knowledge, hearing him talk with good grace of the stars, the mechanics of ships, the lands he'd visited, jewels, hiking, wood-carving. I'd listen even if he acted know-it-all, finding it more endearing than annoying in the long run.

It took me a while to admit it, but I knew I was falling in love again. The experience didn't feel like a smooth walk towards bliss the way it'd felt for my two former passions, but rather a deep sense of guilt and lack of self-control. I was upset that I'd just found an amazing new friend for whom I cared deeply and that already, I was ruining it with inappropriate thoughts. I began to wonder if it was possible for me to become close to anyone without catching feelings and it made me sick that I had until then, no evidence of it being wrong. When I caught myself acting like a fool in love with Rochalizo, I'd berate myself harshly and do my best to restrain any chance I was distressfully aware of.

Although it had been cold, he was always so well-dressed, even when he wore layers on layers like today. The changing weather here made him complain and often surprised him but he nevertheless groomed himself ever so nicely and I would tease him and he would tease back. I had gotten frozen, later on, from talking to him outside and without a shawl and I would've wished to link my fingers with his or lay my head on his shoulder but hadn't dared. I didn't know about the customs of his country, but male friends didn't do that, at least not here. And so, I had resisted the urge, thinking I would feel worse, much worse if I had cuddled up with him and he then had guessed what I was and got angry. Possibly got away and never talked to me again.

I didn't think he was mean; he could be irascible and indelicate, but once someone earned his respect he was spirits-lifting, down to help anytime and he hid it well but he was kind, so very very kind. However, my secret wasn't something to be proud of and I didn't think people's harsh words – for the few who knew – and their attitude towards it was a good indicator of their overall benevolence. I thought people could be cordial while also deserving better and having the right be upset by my abnormal ways, whoever they were. He was far from being whoever; yet I wouldn't have held him accountable for becoming distant with me, not as much as I would've chastised myself for losing him anyway.

On these stone garden stairs, where we afterwards had lay in silence, I had noticed that it was the exact same place where I'd offered my first kiss to my childhood sweetheart; where I'd taken his first too. Being with him in this place so meaningful, abundant in exciting memories of new experiences that the old me had lived and also those of profound disappointment, shame and accented loneliness, had made me feel strange. I had felt awkward suddenly, fearing he could have read my mind or body language. I had felt stupid for even thinking this could be a sign I could have kissed him and he might've kissed back.

For even thinking that perhaps this time, luck was on my side and that he wouldn't think I was only pretty like a girl. That he could think I was pretty because I was me and that he too felt weirdly drawn to people who were the same as him. Inexplicably drawn to boys although being one, desiring to stand against their warm skin although he had the same one, desiring to hold their hands even though they looked the same and kiss their lips although you both had the lips of a boy. I would've wished he too had expressed not caring much for that sort of “complementarity” people praised in couples. I would've wished he could tell me I was not alone, that he could see it. That he too had formed feelings for his close friends and been unable to shake them off, feeling frustrated with himself when they had come at the expense of his friendships whether he had distanced himself from them or acted on his yearning. I would've felt less lonely that day, if he had told me all this. But it was my own fault, for no one is a mind-reader to that extent.

That day witnessed a lot of our laughs. He was just good at joking around and in those moments, it seemed to me like I'd been made to laugh at them with him and press his arm gently and briefly, before I'd let it slide slowly, pretending I wasn't fully, utterly aware of the way it brushed his sleeve. His face was red when I got too close, secretly wishing to be his, and I made the silent wish that he would one day, stop feeling nervous because of how he talked and instead be all flushed because he loved me.

༻Suoh POV end༺

OoOoO

There were two small knocks on the outside wall. Barely thumps, but banged just hard and humanly enough so that they weren't mistakable with the flights and tiny rumpus of the squirrels in trees. Suoh put down his book and looked towards the noise. From his little spot in his bed he could see only the light and the folds of the curtains but not the opening that unveiled the sky for him. He stretched and walked there barefoot in his flapping nightrobe. The knocks grew insistant and fast and Suoh walked there a little faster. Bending over the edge, he stared down, expecting anything but not what he actually found down there. Rochalizo hung here, holding onto dear life to a bunch of ridiculously small grips and nooks. He smiled sheepishly at him. Suoh's eyebrows shot up, a little concerned.

"What are you doing here..."

But the other extended a trembling hand towards him, his features painted by a look of urgence.

"Please help, I've made a terrible mistake..."

He hadn't finished his sentence that Suoh understood and bended further to grab his free forearm and began pulling him up, chuckling fondly. As Suoh held his right forearm safely, Rochalizo moved his other arm tentatively towards the edge of the opening.

"Can you put your arm up a little more, I can't reach it...", Suoh asked and imparted, trying to carry as much weight of Rochalizo as he could.

"I'm already on my tiptoes!"

Suoh giggled at the sight of his little boots contorting themselves on the narrow gap in the facade.

"You look like a baby asking for a carry...

"Don't laugh!!", Rochalizo snapped back, torn between embarrassment and admitting the situation was quite laughable, "I've been this close to impaling myself on my... On my.... Hey! I said stop laughing!"

Hearing that, Suoh's laughs could only intensify. He eventually managed to stifle them inside his mouth and he calmed down a little, although still looking very entertained. Getting a better idea, he told Rochalizo to hold on one more second, got to the rope that tied the curtain and passed it down. Having pulled hard, they managed to get Rochalizo to climb over the edge of the opening. Suoh heard him sigh in relief as he pulled him inside by both arms and he smiled, relieved too. As he dropped from the opening, Rochalizo's body toppled forward and, swept along in the momentum and because of the weigh charge suddenly shifting, Suoh's body tipped a little backwards with his. They both stopped at an inch of each other and shared a breath, before rebalancing their weigh more evenly under their feet. Using them only for a small push to straighten up, Suoh's hands began letting go of Rochalizo's arms and they both couldn't hold back a smile.

"Thanks", Rochalizo said, not moving, his vivid pupils growing, twitching a little as they still looked right into Suoh intensely.

Suoh stared, swallowing his lip and looked away. He released the other's hands and took a good step back.

"So what were you doing under my window? Except playing the to-be-rescued-prince", he asked teasingly.

Only there did he notice that Rochalizo wore a moderate-sized sack over the shoulder whose little twine crossed his chest. He had come there in his day clothings but wore different pants that could have been both pyjamas or bottoms for hanging around.

"Ha ha, super funny".

"Couldn't you have used the door?", Suoh asked, genuinely wondering this time.

"Sure, but I wanted to try climbing the walls at least once, like the lots of you, goat-mode do.

Over Suoh's snickering, he removed the little sack and opened it for the other to see. Suoh leant in and opened his mouth in surprise as he discovered the contents of the bag was nothing but sand. It was a bag filled with sand.

"Why do you have this?"

Rochalizo scratched his own hair.

"Well... You couldn't come today to the Sand Blessings because you were too busy so, I thought I could bring it to you... I know how those traditions are important to you and I thought perhaps we could..."

"Now?"

"If... If you wanna".

Suoh felt himself melting, it'd been long since anyone had done anything so sweet for him. The gesture touched him and he brought a hand to his heart.

"Rochalizo, you're...", he began, stopping himself before he could find something more appropriate than all the adjectives he had in mind, highly connoted for people that were not friends, "You're the best..."

Rochalizo's cheeks flushed, extremely pleased that he could do something to make the young leader smile. He'd noticed Suoh was an easily stressed person who put work before himself and recently, he'd wanted nothing than to help him find some time for himself and not let him pass on the moments that brought him joy.

And so, Suoh hurried to the back of the room, eager to catch up. Rochalizo sat cross-legged on the bedroom floor, waiting for him while he shook up the sand to stir it, preparing to begin the ceremony. As the only complaint came Suoh's confession as he went to fetch and light up a few candles, that he was more tired than he'd thought. But to Rochalizo's suggestion to postpone, he declined, said it should be alright if they prayed just a moment. Kneeling besides Rochalizo, Suoh disposed the candles on the floor around them, including the one to whose light he had been reading, forming an imperfect and modest arc of a circle. The air already smelled like wax and fire and both boys felt the joints of their fingers warm up to their heat. The glows of candles had somewhat shifted the atmosphere to a more solemn one and Rochalizo didn't realise he had spoken in a low voice when he'd asked:

"You wanna start?"

They gazed at each other, grinning. Suoh savoured the fiery colour his hair took on when he stood there in the hot light, appreciating how glad he was to have him there, before he nodded with enthusiasm.

"I can but you can also start if you like".

"Uh, yea but I've forgotten how it goes so um...", he replied, his chuckle colouring his words like the heat did his moled face, "Perhaps it's better if you go first".

It made them both chuckle again and Suoh said he would start. His hand plundged into the sand and he picked up a handful of it that he kept into an open palm. Accidentally, as he straightened up, his knee bumped into Rochalizo's leg and he tensed, and pretended it had not happened. Rochalizo's eyes wandered a moment on his leg, but Suoh's eyes closed, now focused on the ritual as he let the sand slip through his fingers and fall into his other palm slowly, repeating the movement several times, implementing each with specific hand signs, until the falls whipped up a moderate cloud of dust. By then, he let it drop back to the sack and dug father for wetter, browner sand. Rochalizo watched him with great curiosity while the young leader sat back to trace thin marks along the lenght of his arm and redrew the lines with hot wax so that it would stick to his skin. Almost instantly, the wax dried, capturing the sand under it and Suoh turned to Rochalizo and gave him an encouraging smile. Rochalizo's eyes flickered, taken by surprise; he had been paying less attention to the steps than he had to the person doing them.

Executing the first falls alone, the young leader corrected only the last two hand signs, repositionning his hand. Suoh had switched to a calmer state of mind, absorbed in the cult procession and its protocol; this ceremony was indeed as important as Rochalizo thought it was. As he thought he'd heard today, it symbolised erasing one's mistakes and becoming permeated with one's inner strength. Approximately. Rochalizo took a liking to doing it, feeling nourished in a very experimental way. But since he didn't believe in any of that, his mind still wandered a little, not fully focused. And when Suoh's hand brushed again and again against his, he shivered each time, sensing his skin getting more sensitive at each new touch, a thing oblivious to the former, both a blessing and a curse. Past the first step, he gathered the wet sand in his hand but stopped there, his finger mid-air, unsure.

"Do you remember the symbols?", Suoh's voice asked, soft and patient.

"Um... They were quite sophisticated. Even earlier I couldn't really follow so I don't thi—"

"I'll do them for you", Suoh offered, and he took Rochalizo's arm gently in his hand.

Rochalizo froze in surprise and sucked in a breath. He'd expect Suoh to show him the hand choregraphy with his hands so he could mimick it, but not this and as the tracing of symbols began on his arm, he realised he had to refrain from squirming. It tickled a little, but he could also feel heat wherever Suoh was touching him and he had not even started with wax. His face was not so far either, focused and eyes down but Rochalizo had to bit his tongue to avoid his heavy breathing to be heard. Eyes either on Suoh's lips or fingers, he felt every little movement Suoh did against him as he applied the brown sand: the tiny scratching of his nails, the rougher sensation when rugged knuckles brushed him and all other touches from his fingertips made him feel internally agitated from the pleasure they lent. He wanted it to stop for it was a slow torture, but also wished for more touches whenever the fingers left him for a second. Suoh's eyes searched for him and Rochalizo thought he'd read through him but was uttered only a little lenient warning.

"I'm gonna coat your skin in wax. You're not scared, are you?"

Rochalizo's ears were ringing, still feeling Suoh's thorough and soft touches on him and in a daze. Of course he wasn't scared of some dumb wax, it was something else troubling him. He registered the question a little too late because the comforting words picked up again.

"Don't worry, it's hot but it doesn't hurt. Even children do it for fun here. The sensation of wax drying on you might be strange but it's not gonna leave marks".

And he began applying the wax just as gently, retracing those same symbols he had drawn with the sand on his soft skin, leaving Rochalizo with a hot arm and hot face, somewhat trembling fingers. For more control on the wax's heat, he had shifted even closer to a point where Rochalizo could smell his hair and feel, although not touching it, his body warmth. It felt intimate, even if no intimate things in themselves were being done; it was the setting, the two of them, the extreme gentleness of touches and accidental sensuality of his face gravely focused. Rochalizo tried to relax in the moment, but his breath cut short each time. It was hard to forget they were so close and that he was being touched so considerately.

Once done, the young leader sat back in cross-legged position and crossed his fingers, inviting Rochalizo to do so and the latter quickly followed. They stood there in silence for perhaps a minute. Suoh's thoughts focused on that renewed strength he was supposed to be feeling, while Rochalizo's thoughts strayed far from there, still stunned by what had happened. Emerging from his succinct meditation, Suoh's gaze fell upon Rochalizo whose eyes were wide open, looking straight ahead.

"Are you alright?"

Rochalizo looked up. Suoh's eyes were on him and he realised he had been staring in the void. Suoh giggled and said he should probably get some sleep soon, for he too looked a bit tired. Suoh then thanked him for this night and Rochalizo urged himself to put himself together; he'd need to start working again at some point.

"Don't mention it", he snorted, "We can't let you walk around without any blessings. You need all the luck you can find".

It made Suoh blush a little and slip a little strand of his hair behind his ear. Both sat down a while more to scatch the wax and sand off their arms. Suoh looked happy and it was a sweet sight. He was too, impressed with himself that he'd willingly taken part in a ritual he considered nonsense twice. His sarcasm and critical sense of mind dulled away when he was seeing Suoh's smile. The latter then told Rochalizo not to worry about the mess, that he would clean sometime the next day and he then went to tidy up the candles.

"And do want to do now?", Rochalizo asked.

He really did not want to go home and be alone when he could be with Suoh, so physically close, but thought it was still fair that he checked-in in case Suoh would want to sleep immediately.

Suoh was torn; he didn't put it past his body to commit yet another big mistake and was sure there would come a moment, if not today, in a few days, weeks... where he would try to make a move on him. He hated to be surrendering to his desires and the perspective of losing Rochalizo was terrifying. But he also couldn't bring himself to send him home if the latter didn't make the decision. Sighing secretly, he turned around and went back to Rochalizo, shook his head and said it would be fun to hang out a little more.

Rochalizo looked quite thrilled by this answer and nodded, a big smile on his face. Suoh would've rather he didn't because it made him dorky and adorably impossible to resist to.

"What should we do then", Rochalizo started again, "Cause you don't seem fit for anything. You wouldn't rush me to the forest and back, right fucking now, correct?"

Punctuating his words, he stood up and he gave Suoh a tiny punch in the left ribs. Then a second and a third. Suoh tried to stop his fist with his hand, giggling.

"I couldn't even do that at the top of my health".

Rochalizo smirked and did an audible snicker, then turned to attack his right ribs, until he was just poking his sides from everywhere. Suoh writhed, trying to escape his hands, still laughing, so that he complained his cheeks hurt. Rochalizo couldn't stop himself, feeling like touching and standing right next to Suoh, gazing in his pretty blue-greenish eyes and on the cute pleats of his face when he smiled. He felt his chest heat up just from the way the Suoh would lean into him to talk, wishing the young leader would lean in just a little more...

"You could just lie down and talk to me. I'll sit down here against the bed", Rochalizo suggested.

Instead of stopping, he didn't let him off the hook, the poking having turned into tickles. Rochalizo loved the pink that had started to spread on his face but he'd also wanted him to fight back. Only, Suoh kept his hands at a distance and he wondered why. Why, when he used to be a bit more tactile before.

"I could if you stopped!", Suoh yelped, out of breath from laughing so much.

He didn't add that he wouldn't have minded had Rochalizo lain on the bed with him. Or even on him. He felt so very allured and restless and full of longing in his body, his thoughts going crazy again, his lower stomach warming up and he knew those hands on him were to blame. Alerted by those thoughts that made him lose his mind, Suoh suddenly roused to clarity and violently pulled himself off Rochalizo.

"I'm lying down!", Suoh announced, almost running off to his bed.

He was a mess. His stomach fluttered from all the butterflies and excitement but also had started cramping in anxiety. He felt like tearing up from frustration and despair. He'd tried, he'd tried hard not to fall in love again but it was had happened and it would not end right. There was no way. He could feel himself losing control a little more everyday despite what he'd sworn to his own good conscience. What would Rochalizo think if he kissed him? Surely that he was an opportunist, a deceptive person who followed only their physical desires, a friend who'd have taken advantage of him...

Sweat fell in droplets down his temples and his throat felt tight. If he got touched again... It had to be better for Rochalizo to go now. Perhaps if he went away now, Suoh could find something to calm down, make a plan as to not fall apart and succumb to lust for at least the next couple of days. He didn't want to lose this friendship, he had had too much fun, had worked on it hard and given a lot of himself for it to be a success. He could not bear to lose someone else just because of the awful way he was.

Rochalizo walked to Suoh slowly and sat against the bed. When he lied against the mattress and the bed creaked, he felt Suoh's body jerk a little, must have been from the surprise. Nervously, he fidgetted with the rim of his pants. He'd never felt like that for anyone before and it was killing him that he'd managed to develop such a big crush on the only person he couldn't have. For the reason that it was unlikely he could like boys and for the reason that even if he did, he couldn't act on his feelings because of a stupid law that prevented it. It was unfair, because so many times now, he had seen him act and thought he looked a little lonely and he'd wanted to make him happy. So many times he'd looked at Suoh's lips when the latter wasn't looking, had had a few daydreams about how them two could take off each other's shirts. The attraction he felt for him was very strong and whether it had started for his kindness or his endearing blunders, it was becoming difficult to stay objective for everything he did or said these days was susceptible to carry him away in foolish lovestruck ideations.

Rochalizo's head twisted to look at Suoh who lay down his back facing him, his long wavy green hair adorning the pillow like the angel hair they sometimes would decorate trees with. His varnished hand extended a little towards it and then fell back, brushing against the footboard. Would Suoh feel put-off if he knew what kind of thoughts he was having right now?, if he could see his messy desires of caresses and need for skins to brush. Suoh laid there so prettily, his flat chest heaving and dropping softly. He swallowed hard and picked up conversation again.

"What's up for tomorrow? You're gonna be busy again?"

Suoh sighed a tiny bit, relieved he would have some dialogue to put his mind to, preventing his brain from raving.

"Not much... Perhaps we could go fishing?"

Suoh turned around and gave him the cutest smile Rochalizo had ever seen.

"Now that your saimia's awakened, it could help you learn to control it, wouldn't it?"

Rochalizo smiled back, thinking he must've looked really cutesy and silly right now. Cutesy suited Suoh, not him. He immediately switched to joking to keep the upper hand on his behaviour.

"What do you say we use you as a test prototype? We start with me tying you to a chair and I use saimia to see which height you reach into the air. You up?"

Suoh's smile turned to a leer, trying hard to ignore the double meaning he was seeing. He sent it away from his brain and propped up his face under his cheek to support it with an elbow.

"Why not... As long as the inventor is willing to roam the island and find the scattered pieces of me. Or I'll murder his fiancee".

Rochalizo's head did a little bop upwards, scoffing as though he was saying 'There's none' to which Suoh's left eyebrow perked up. A genuine smirk formed on Rochalizo's lips and he leant forward supporting himself on the frame of the bed.

"Don't worry Creature, I'll put you back together. Might mix up a few limbs, though".

"Aren't you afraid people might come and collect my pieces? After all I am made of very valuable material...", Suoh said, putting a leg up in the air and pretending to trace it with a hand.

Rochalizo bit his lip, looking away. Damn, was he attractive when he did that...

"Yea? Didn't know that...

"You don't know what your lab rats are made of? 'Bit unprofessional if you ask me..."

Rochalizo's laugh tone leaped up and he wriggled a little.

"Couldn't have thought your label was dishonest! On there it also said you were um... Shock-resistant, preservable and..."

Suoh crawled up to him and propped his cheek up on his hand once more. He stopped right beneath Rochalizo's chin, giving him a passionate look of interest, waiting to hear the last of his prototype qualities. Rochalizo tensed up, panicking internally.

"U-um... Organic... And... Waterproof!"

There was silence for a second and Suoh's laughter filled up his cheeks, his body bursting into small jolts.

"Waterproof?", he asked, half gone already into hilarity, looking right into Rochalizo eyes with shining ones.

"Waterproof", Rochalizo confirmed in a falsely business-collected voice, cracking from laughter.

Unable to hold it back any longer, both of them burst into quiet laughter that sent their heads forwards. Rochalizo's smile stretched up unconsciously into the laugh, feeling Suoh's hair titillate his arm as his hair flopped around. His cheeks ached but the sensation was addicting and in spite of it, he could have taken a dozen more rounds. He was crazy for these moments, crazy for Suoh.

Suoh raised his head up again and suddenly, got trapped into Rochalizo's gaze. Before he could do anything about it, they were staring in each other's eyes. Rochalizo's eyes pierced through him and he felt naked, taking in all the intensity but also their magnetism that set him aflame. His body warmed up under such unflinching attention and there was an emotion in the depth of them that he thought he could feel twist and turn.

Rochalizo couldn't move, bewitched and having longed to lose himself in those eyes, stare shamelessly and even more encouraged as Suoh didn't move either. He found himself almost blurting those words that rotated in his brain and brew on his tongue. Suoh's eyes were hazy and had their grip on him and although he had probably never felt as embarrassed, his body was responding, awakening to lust.

Suoh's face was inching closer, as though enjoying the tension and the other was sure it had not been an hallucination that he had seen him bite his lips and lower his eyes just a little.

Rochalizo looked a little down too and, let his hand, as it had died to do, slowly raise to Suoh's face and brush off a tiny strand of hair that fell over the corner of his lip. His finger brushed the pink sensitive skin as it traced its way on his cheek and fell back.

Suoh's eyes jumped and it brought Rochalizo back. Immediately, both recoiled almost at the same time, Suoh retreating to the wall and Rochalizo leaning backwards violently. Rochalizo gritted his teeth together, wishing the ground would swallow him at once. Raising uncertain and mortified eyes at Suoh, he saw that the latter still looked at him with the same shock and confusion in which he had left him. He was seeing none of the positive emotions he had prayed for.

"Y-you had something in your hair...", Rochalizo almost shouted, expecting to be only half-believed but he hoped that with time and by demonstration of desinterest, Suoh could believe the lie.

On the bed, Suoh tried not to show too much of his overreaction. He pushed his muscles to relax a great deal but behind his back, his legs shook like a leaf.

"D-did I...", he answered, his stuttering voice barely following his words.

Why was he being tempted so much? Suoh's chest throbbed, repressing a sob. The spot where he had touched him burned. He couldn't stop looking at Rochalizo's lips, at his face, his hair, his neck, wanting it all in his hands, and whether he closed his eyes didn't change the fact that he still was very aware of them. His frustration consumed him entirely, burning through his face, thighs and lower stomach, making his palms sweat and his breathing heavy. It was as though someone had lit him up. He wanted to cross the room, meet Rochalizo and push him against the wall to eat up that pretty mouth already, let his hands wander on him. He was willing to believe Rochalizo, not trusting himself anymore past this point and he was sure he must've initiated the movement after all or caused that stare that they'd shared. Suoh brought his legs to his chest as a way to control their trembling, but as he hugged them, the trembling increased.

Rochalizo kept silent, utterly confused. He didn't know what to say anymore. To what he could see, Suoh seemed very embarrassed and troubled.

"P-perhaps I should sleep", Suoh said faintly.

Rochalizo looked at him then at the ground and crossed his arms on himself. Disappointment and lust were eating him alive, torturing him with lascivious thoughts and heartaches. He'd never wanted someone so much in his life. To leave being confirmed that Suoh didn't love him back would've been devastating but fair. To leave and keep brewing in doubt and insanity, he couldn't do. Yet the conversation seemed over. And he would not be confessing in such an awkward setting.

"You believe me, right?", he asked, this time putting in efforts to be convincing, "It was like a white clothing dandruff, probably from your tunic".

Suoh nodded, looking convinced.

"Yeah, okay. Thank you".

Rochalizo secretly breathed out a long sigh of relief then shrugged.

"I guess then... I'll let you sleep?"

"Please", Suoh said, a little too fast.

Rochalizo's sense of uneasiness resurfaced and he wondered if Suoh wasn't trying to get rid of him.

"I... I'll see you tomorrow though, right?"

"Of course", Suoh said, still talking fast, giving him a forced smile, "Can't wait to go fishing with you".

Rochalizo began to feel like something was off. He could've felt offended that Suoh put up such an obvious fake smile and assumed that it was because he hadn't believed the lie and would now be pretending everything was okay when it was not but... But it was something else. Only the smile was forced, not the emotion and he did not know what the hell that meant.

"'Kay... Yeah me neither, can't wait...", he replied tentatively.

Suoh waved, looking very nervous and Rochalizo turned around and walked a few steps in direction of the door. But he didn't want to leave. He really really didn't want to leave. If he listened to his body right now, he'd go back to Suoh immediately, grab his sweet face and kiss him once and for all, see how that would turn out. He felt so full of lust that he didn't know how he'd even get to calm his body down. Walking by the mess of candle wax and sand they'd let on the ground, he stopped. He began considered that since he was there, he could as well clean it up. He was looking for an excuse and it was such a bad excuse to drag on in Suoh's bedroom but he thought it'd at least help him out since he wouldn't have to get to cleaning first thing in the morning. He kneeled down.

"Rochalizo, what are you doing?"

Suoh's voice was tense and exasperated, almost angry now. He was reaching his personal limits and the sexual frustration was turning into raw irritation.

"Let it on the floor. Please, I asked you to leave!"

Rochalizo heard very well but chose to not obey. He wasn't doing anything wrong; if Suoh wanted to sleep so much then he could start lying down. Picking up sand and wax couldn't make that much noise and by the time Suoh would be asleep, he would be done and would go away. He was helping! With his right hand, he began pushing sand into his other hand that he shaped into a small shovel.

From the other side of the room, Suoh had begun shouting, hands curled into trembling fists. His voice cracked in annoyance.

"I said to leave it be!! You hear me??"

"Well what does it matter now that I'm doing it. You can just sleep", Rochalizo snapped back, equally angry now.

"I can't just sleep with you in there!"

Rochalizo decided to stop responding and pushed more sand together into a small heap begrungingly.

"I want you to leave!! Is that so hard?! Just get out now!!"

But as Rochalizo kept ignoring him, Suoh exhaled a short angry sigh and cursed. He extended his legs, struggling a second between the folds of the sheets and, cursing them too and got out of bed.

"Why won't you listen to me?!"

He stomped up to Rochalizo, his face red and frowned, eyes throwing knives.

"Rochalizo, leave my bedroom!!!!".

He kneeled brutally by his side, leant in to grab Rochalizo's hand and snatched it away from the floor. But his legs hadn't stopped shaking since earlier and in doing so, he lost his balance completely. Looking for a spot to grasp in panic, Suoh landed a hand wherever he could catch himself up and slammed it onto one of Rochalizo's thigh. Barely a second passed until the moment he looked up and Rochalizo down on him, eyes meeting while his hand still kept in place. Then, he felt a quick movement move air close to him and next thing he knew, Rochalizo was kissing him, his cheek cupped into the varnished hand.

He'd captured him into his wamth of hair and mouth, and he felt the softness of his face against him, the bridge of his nose on his cheeks from which small breathing sounds whistled so very close to him. There was gentleness in that hand that held him, its fingers only daring to stroke the little hairs on his temple, but the grip was firm, passionate and not letting go so soon. Suoh's eyes fought to stay open a little, then fluttered close, blanking away from existence. Rochalizo's lips moved only a little against his and his mouth opened only to close around Suoh's; the kiss was chaste but he still felt their heat, their blissful heat and plumpness, a glimpse of what undescribable pleasure it'd feel like would Suoh get to slip inside.

Rochalizo started to withdraw, wondering if it was alright and if he should perhaps apologise but Suoh suddenly leapt on his lap and wrapped arms around his neck, cutting short the words he was preparing to say into a wild kiss. Rochalizo's heart stopped. A few seconds into Suoh's kiss, his brain started registering slowly but with euphoria that Suoh was reciprocating, his body reacting before he could even, heating up under his touch and filling up with hot vapour, even before he could catch him in his arms. Suoh had gone for a deeper kiss from start, pressing his soft open mouth onto his and unshackling a hot tongue onto his lips and making its way in. Rochalizo followed, opening his mouth to Suoh's avid tongue, brushing against him while his hand wandered into the green hair with unrepressed affection.

How he had longed to touch him like this... After many long days yearning about him, Rochalizo felt it was vital for his own sake to hold him as close as he could and he cupped Suoh's face again with both hands this time, bringing him in, holding him dearly. And his hands stroked the sides of his face as they kissed passionately, discovering each other's mouth in urgence. Such craving gave them both sore jaws quickly but even if Rochalizo's jawbones ached a little, he kept coming for more, caressing Suoh's inside mouth and enjoying the shivers he felt on the other's skin when he did that. Suoh's touches were a lot more brutish, biting lips and stretching it with his teeth while he pulled at Rochalizo's hair but it did contribute greatly to that sensation the room's temperature suddenly had gone up by a few degrees.

They had barely been kissing for a minute when Suoh then grasped him by the shoulders and pinned him down. As Rochalizo's back hit the floor, he uttered a small moan, taken by surprise that his body got slammed so hard coupled with the exciting weigh of Suoh's body on him. He heard a muffled whimper escape Suoh's throat in reaction to his sound, then felt him resume kissing him even harder, his hands scratching the roots of his hair and Rochalizo went back to biting Suoh's lips in delight, some new panting adding to their wet sounds of sucction. Suoh's breath was heavy too and Rochalizo took great pleasure in making it heavier by messing with his hair. They had not moved their hands much until now but Suoh's were the first to explore his body, moving fidgetily around his neck, shifting to caressing shoulders and plexus, beginning to venture on his chest over the clothes...

By then, Rochalizo's eyes were closing from the pleasure and his body felt hot as a pyre, assailed by Suoh's vigorous touches all over him. Those hands moved as if they knew exactly where to touch him, or it could have been that he wanted them to touch him everywhere. While the latter groped around his clothed chest, he'd hogged Suoh's cute neck and lay rough kisses and licks from the angle of his jaw and along his carotid. Supporting the back of his neck while he did so, his thumb drew some circular motion a little below his ear and away.

He'd started seriously biting at the skin of his neck when Suoh's hands tensed on his breasts and he knew he must've had found one of his sweet spots. Lapping the zone, Rochalizo grazed it with his teeth before he bit it again and pulled it away hard. It had Suoh writhe above him in pleasure, opening his mouth in a silent cry that he felt rising up from all the way down from his belly. Then, Suoh was crushing their bodies even further together in a strong hip thrust on the other's pelvis. Rochalizo moaned a bit louder, his breath wheezing after which Suoh grabbed the sides of his face to bring him back up, all fingers parted in the ginger hair and went again to devour his mouth. Hands moving down to hug his narrow waist, Rochalizo kissed back, fondling Suoh's tongue with his and kissing, wetting, nibbling his squeezy lips, careless of the thin trail of saliva that had landed and slid below Suoh's bottom lip.

Rochalizo moved his hands to Suoh's back, scratching him up and down agressively and Suoh gripped at his face, sweet sighs leaving his mouth before his hands went to Rochalizo's chest, both wanting to feel as much of the other as possible. It was as though there was little time, so little time before they'd have to go back to keeping that painful minimum distance between them. Suoh's fingertips found his nipples through the blouse and felt them up in sloppy rubs with the whole of his palms, wishing excitedly he could cup it all at once. As the other became more responsive when they'd linger on the spot, he stopped groping so messily and switched to more controled ups and downs, blocking the nubs between his fingers and teasing them with just his fingertips. Rochalizo was far gone, overwhelmed with bliss and pleasure and, pressing on Suoh's hips a little, he began rocking his hips against them slowly. Suoh moaned needily in his mouth, a big shiver running down his spine and kept his attentions on Rochalizo's nipples, teasing them and circling them, pinching them gently until they were popping through the fabric.

Those hands that fondled Suoh's neck suddenly propelled him forward by the shoulders until he felt, in a tiny hiccup of surprise, Rochalizo's nose on his torso. Suoh shifted so that his head wouldn't twist and hurt him, letting out a few hard breaths, beginning to understand he was looking straight at a wall. But he wasn't thinking clearly, there was not a single thought remaining with those hands tightly wrapped around his hips, maintaining him in place while Rochalizo felt around his clothed chest. Shivering and eyes already closed, Suoh waited for his nipples to carry him away with the tingling sensation of fingers, but Rochalizo moved a little downwards again, scrapped his lips on them and took a clothed one in his hot wet mouth. The moisture, the gentleness, the sensuality of it wiped Suoh's mind out and he let out a choked scream. Rochalizo was working up each of his nerves and they sizzled, wrung under his passionate mouth caresses. Suoh searched for air desperately, spluttering between big moans that he couldn't hold inside anymore, limply hanging on the edge of the other's skull. The bliss targeted his other nipple and he groaned, panting even more. His eyes closed and for a while, there was only him and Rochalizo and his body's pleasure. Then, a few thoughts that he watched flying by in overdrive. He'd wanted this for so long. He'd wanted him. He'd wanted to be touched. He'd felt neglected for so long... His stomach had a small jolt and his vision clouded, a wet screen shutting off his world. His hands brought Rochalizo back in once again and he kissed him hard, with all the energy he had left. Until suddenly, after a slight moan, Rochalizo pushed himself away from Suoh with his hands.

Suoh stopped dead and his hands fell to his sides, taken by surprise. Their eyes met and there was a moment of silence, possibly the most awkward moment both of them had ever experienced in their lives. He looked into Suoh's eyes and the latter gazed down at him looking very unsure; his cute hair was all tousled and messy and his face was quite reddish. Suoh blinked and awkwardness spread onto his cheeks, waiting in silence. Rochalizo's pupils shrinked in confusion and he too, blushed, but the dominant expression was concern.

"You're crying..."

Suoh stared a little and moved a hand to touch his cheek. He'd been so focused on the rest of his body and touching Rochalizo that he'd not noticed the tears flowing from his eyes. And he realised that he couldn't stop. His eyes blurred and blurred and he couldn't stop the tears, they ran from his eyes and rolled under his chib, his neck, fell onto his hands.

"D-Did-Did you not want this? I thought you—

"No! No that's not it!", Suoh exclaimed extremely fast.

Now was not the time to create any misunderstanding, he thought. But there might have been one and he wanted to clarify. He was barely registering everything that had happened, recalling it still very vividly in his mind and it managed to make him even more aroused. He was so very excited that a boy had kissed him, and not just any boy. It was Rochalizo, for whom he had been pinning for months. He was so excited he did not know what to do anymore with his hands. Just thinking about it and a big smile errupted on his face before he focused again. Because there had to be something wrong. There had to be something he didn't understand, because how could he obtain what he'd always wanted that easily?

Rochalizo had laid back in wait, even more disoriented to see him smile. He'd begun to feel bad for him that he was crying, wondering if he'd done something wrong or if Suoh suddenly felt unwell or unhappy with how the night had turned out to be. It could have been anything and stress was rising in his chest.

"Sorry, it's just... I need to ask...", Suoh said, trying to form up sentences for the rest of his thoughts, "Did it really happen? D-Did we really...?"

Rochalizo's expression down there showed no reaction at first and then, a wince, until cringe took over his features and he hid his face in his hands.

"What is this questionnn..... ", he wailed.

But he did nod a few times timidly and Suoh's lips stretched into a disbelieving smile. He was having a hard time realising. Someone wanted him. Someone was not repulsed by what he wanted and even wanted the same things out of him. It felt like he was going crazy. He took his head into his hands.

Rochalizo gulped slowly, lost. He didn't know what was happening anymore and whether this had been a mistake but he was still panting and he still wanted Suoh. He tried to shift a little, their position embarrassing him more each second and the other seemed to have sensed he was getting a bit uncomfortable that he still lay on him without resuming what they'd be doing. Perhaps Suoh had gotten a bit uncomfortable himself lying on him and so he saw him rolling off and lying down next to him on the floor.

Shifting his body to the side, Rochalizo wedged his cheek under his palm and listened, moving his legs slightly in nervousness, hoping it was not bad news. Next to him, Suoh took a deep breath before he also turned on his side, looking right into the other's eyes.

"Are you sure you want me?"

Rochalizo screamed internally, eyes flaring up. He would have insulted him for being so embarassing but he couldn't do that right now. Not when he was looking into Suoh's watery eyes and gazing over the many tears that rolled down his cheeks as he had asked that question. Caught off guard, Rochalizo kept silent, wriggling slightly. His lips frowned in hesitation. His sexual desires were mixing up with a strong urge to comfort Suoh and take him in his arms, craddling him until the tears went away. On opposite side, Suoh probed him with miserable, hopeful eyes, sniffling periodically. Since none of them were moving, Suoh took the floor.

"I just don't know what to believe cause I've been wanting this for so long. And perhaps you don't want any of this and it's just me deluding myself like a fool..."

His voice was getting anxiously hectic and sad, so sad. He was about to add another thing before Rochalizo beat him to it. He grasped him by his nightgown collar, shaking his head in incredulous irritation. He understood the situation now. His hand gently slid from his collar and landed on his clavicle.

"Fuck you...", he almost whispered.

Suoh's eyes widened, feeling Rochalizo's hair and the top of his soft head under his chin. He pulled out at a distance, looking down.

"You scared me so much... I thought it'd been wrong to... To have started this... Bloody hell, come here", he said gruffly, finally meeting eyes and he pulled Suoh into his arms gently.

Suoh's face lit up a little and he lay his cheek on Rochalizo's shoulder, sniffling softly, calming down and breathing in his scent. Rochalizo's hands brushed his back comfortingly, whispering a few kind words to his attention and he relaxed, feeling at peace. For the first time of his life, he felt understood and known. And it was exhilarating. But although the touches were kind and inducing safety, Suoh moved off his arms and looked through Rochalizo. His lust was still burning in him. Suoh's mouth opened and closed, unsure how to express it. His hand came to rest on Rochalizo's shoulder and brushed his arm, craving touch and that precious skin on him again. Now that he'd tasted it, there was no going back.

The other saw that attempt; he was also beginning to understand Suoh had gotten too excited to point of crying but that he wanted this as much as he did and was very willing and in capacity of carrying on. He would have stopped on his demand, or even upon seeing he could not despite hearing him insist he did. But it'd turned out to be the best outcome and it was a chance. He could not get his eyes off Suoh. Him in his messy nightrobe and his hair falling around his face in an even messier ponytail and dishevelled hair, his swollen lips, the lust in his eyes... The sight made him feel warm.

"So you're okay?", he asked, keeping one caring eye on Suoh, "Do you want to... Keep going?", he asked looking anywhere but in his eyes, scratching the bedroom floor.

Suoh had not expected Rochalizo to say that so suddenly and he let out a small giggle, sniffling the last of his weeping fit.

"You don't beat around the bush!"

Rochalizo's voice came out grumpy.

"Well, I don't like it. And someone has to".

"A burn", Suoh chuckled, "You're right", he then conceded in a soft voice, giving him a smile that made the other blush once again.

He raised a hand and brushed Rochalizo's little hair strands that stucked out a bit behind his ear. Imagining that would help, he went for a direct approach too. Perhaps the other wouldn't say that he was interested in him romantically, but his instinct somehow told him he was. It was Rochalizo who had kissed him but not Rochalizo who had pushed the kiss further. And if he did, a lot of his little expressions and unnecessary shyness would find an explanation. But he couldn't care less for it now. He didn't care as long as he was touched now and hugged and kissed and licked. He was internally trembling from desire.

"Yes, I want this".

Rochalizo looked like he was gonna say something else and he did open his mouth but closed it. He then shifted a little closer, blushing but not moving any more. It was hard to start it again. He could only be brave once in a blue moon and the spell had been used already. So, it was Suoh that filled the small distance between them. His hand brushed against Rochalizo's front bang and cupped his cheek and Rochalizo's heart started pumping frenetically again, feeling a thousand emotions at once. Suoh leant in kissed him softly. Rochalizo immediately kissed back and they lay there for a while, cherishing each other's mouths passionately. Suoh was smiling into the kiss, his hands roaming Rochalizo's neck in excitement. Their bodies got back to fitting together, finding each other like magnets. While he leant in to kiss and nibble Rochalizo's neck, the latter had begun moving his hands on Suoh's breasts again, teasing, and rapidly, Suoh was making those terribly attractive sounds again, moaning under his ear.

In no time, they found themselves in the same state of excitement as they'd been before, kissing longly, hot and aroused, panting and needily kneading at the other's skin. Rochalizo's leg somehow ended up around Suoh's waist and they rocked themselves together, in slow, timid sways of hips at start, muffling any little groans in each other's clothes and shoulders. Until the friction was not enough and they began rolling hips a little faster, sighs of pleasure fusing as they found a position that was just right for them both. A little more and Rochalizo suddenly moved his hips off Suoh abruptly, looking awkward and moved down again to get a taste the other's neck through bites; he was feeling Suoh tremble under his touches and it was very satisfying to know he could make him feel like this.

Licking along his trachea, Suoh chewed at his neck, leaving lovebites all over the sensitive skin, feeling it quake as flows of air struggled to go up and down. Rochalizo was whinging, wiggling his legs closer in desperate attempt to press them so hard, the other's sensations would become theirs and Suoh spread his tongue wider, reaching on to his pulse point, excited to notice that he'd made his heartbeat speed up. He lifted up Rochalizo's blouse a little, so he could rest his hands on his lovehandles and scratch them a little. Meanwhile, Rochalizo had been encouraged to slip his hands in the other's tunic and it made Suoh gasp. He uttered a few moans when he felt the fingers on his breasts, touching him directly on the skin, no layers between them anymore to curb pleasuring touches. His fingers curled on Rochalizo's sensative skin and his back arched, knackered for the ecstasy of Rochalizo's soft fingertips and nails grazing on his bare nipples and suddenly, as he pulled the cleavage to its limit, felt his sweet mouth salivating on his pink, stiff skin. Suoh slammed his own hand on his mouth, choking screams and whimpers before his hands pulled Rochalizo up again and grabbed his buttocks firmly in both hands, squirming himself when he heard the other's quiet mewls of delight and sensed his accidental thigh spreading against him. He stretched up to come kiss him deeply again, but Suoh let him go and put his fingers on his mouth, pushing him away gently.

"Stop... I... Um... I need to tell you something".

Rochalizo had never seen him so embarrassed and call it good deduction, he guessed immediately what that was, or thought he'd guessed. Although, it'd feel like the worst moment of his life if he happened to guess wrong.

"Is it...?"

He hadn't meant to be so tactless but his eyes fell down by themselves to Suoh's crotch. Suoh's nightgown was bedecked in pretty white lace crepe and simple frills, yet it didn't look like it had been sewn many layers since he spotted quite a visible bump from under the garment. Rochalizo stared a little. It'd always felt normal to see this occur on his own body but seeing it happen on another person, right in front of him was weird. However, he wouldn't deny it wasn't also turning him on a little bit, knowing now Suoh was really into him. He moved eyes back up; Suoh was all fidgety, twisting his hair around with stress and not looking him in the eyes. He seemed so very much ashamed that Rochalizo felt bad for him; it was certainly awkward for people to see your arousal, but being in this setting and with him, it had kind of been the point... Besides...

"Hey, don't worry so much, alright?", Rochalizo found himself saying in a gentle voice — it was both crazy and scary how much Suoh could bring out his soft side — and in saying so, he brushed a comforting hand against Suoh's arm.

Suoh's body moved back a little, as if he'd tried to dodge the hand. It made Rochalizo frown but he pursued:

"It's really okay! It's quite hot too that you're there so fast. Besides... I was gonna tell you but... It's just happened to me too..."

Rochalizo lowered his head, feeling his entire face heat up in embarrassment. He hated that he'd brought attention to his own crotch but he was willing to help Suoh feeling a little less anxious. First times made people feel very nervous and self-conscious and he wasn't excluded from that part but he felt like he was better at managing the stress. Or at least not when they were talking about it like they were now...

Unable to resist the curiosity, Suoh looked down to Rochalizo's pants. He had to look around a little, for his bottoms were loose, but he ended up finding a small bump stretching through his black lazy pants, hiding in the many folds it got covered with. Just like Rochalizo had been, he felt himself be turned on by the perspective it was him and his body alone that had caused him such a reaction. And knowing the other too was at that step made him feel somewhat better and like he wasn't a creep who had no osmosis whatsoever with others. But... Actually, there was still a problem.

"No, you don't understand", Suoh resumed and Rochalizo could feel he'd took on even more colours and was sweating, "In fact... I... I'm not just... Just... Hard... I... I'm... Way over there".

Rochalizo said nothing, his face showing no expression at first. And then, his mouth opened in a small 'o'. Suoh bit his lip and shame made the words flow from his mouth.

"I know it's barely been ten minutes since we started everything and I'm already at this point, I feel terrible for not letting you enjoy it and it's my fault and I think I just got too excited because you're super hot and I have no self-control, I'm really sorry I'm like t—

"It's not a problem", Rochalizo cut harshly and with a flushed face, not recovering from being called 'super hot'.

But he was getting fed up with Suoh's rant; it had begun to give him a headache. Exactly how much overthinking bullshit could that boy fit in him!? Suoh fell silent and looked at him with bewildered, confused eyes. Rochalizo took a deep breath, looking over his shoulder. As if that would help... He didn't want to stop. In fact, he thought he was ready for taking it farther. The issue was always wording it.

"I can just... Do something about it. If you want to..."

"You want to?"

"No, I would hate that, see, earlier? How I was really repulsed by touching you?"

Suoh had a little nervous laugh and weighed what he should do. He craved Rochalizo's hands on him but his body wasn't resonding the decent way he would've liked it to do. He was craving touch but also, a slow pace, some time to get used to new sensations.

"Should I take my clothes off then...? I don't know, it would feel a little off. Like skipping through a lot of steps, even though it's what I'm doing".

"We could just do it over your clothes?", Rochalizo suggested.

Internally, he bought it immediately. It was a nice compromise between not being able to go on for long but wanting to take things slow and a little more innocent for now.

"I think that would feel nice", Suoh agreed, nodding approuvingly.

"Alright", Rochalizo said, squirming a little on his legs, looking on the sides, everywhere but in his eyes.

"Alright", the other said, playing with the skin around his nails.

Suoh dusted off his nightgown and got up on his feet, then offered his hand to Rochalizo. Rochalizo didn't move.

"Where are you going?"

The other shrugged, giving him the discomfited face.

"In my bed? I thought... It would be more comfortabl—

"Oh! No, no, of course. Sorry, I'd... Kind of forgotten your bed existed..."

Rochalizo took his hand and got up by his side, scratching the back of his neck.

"Yea... Generally there are beds in bedrooms...", Suoh stated, trying to crack a joke although his voice still sounded awkward and his laugh shaky.

"Wow, funny that", Rochalizo snorted, a sweaty hand in his own hair.

He was about quite as nervous as the other but being able to mess around before everything went down was a real reassurance. They walked together to the bed and Suoh sat at the end of the bed, leaning his back against the wall while Rochalizo climbed there and sat before him at a small distance for the moment. Suoh nervously fidgetted and shifted position to sitting with his legs straight, then with both of them on the side, then to one crossed under one straight. He sighed and went back to his initial sitting on his knees.

Rochalizo licked his lips, getting anxious again too, not knowing where to start and where he should be putting his hands for the moment. When Suoh finally settled for position that felt comfortable and didn't make him feel too awkward, Rochalizo then asked if he was ready. Suoh gave a positive answer and Rochalizo moved a hand from an inch. Both tensed. The varnished hand came closer tentatively and rested on Suoh's knee. Suoh's body tensed again but this time, not only from stress but from pleasure and Rochalizo got reminded he was close and had asked for no other stimulation.

"So... No foreplay, right?"

Suoh nodded, his face red. Rochalizo had the feeling he was very red too. He peeked discreetly between Suoh's legs to see if the bump he'd seen was still there; it was, possibly had somewhat swollen.

"Is it your first?", Suoh asked, fiddling with his thumbs.

"Yeah..."

"Me too..."

"You look super tense...", Rochalizo pointed out.

"Ah, I know...", Suoh sighed out in a whine of desperation, and hid behind his hair, something Rochalizo never seen him doing, then he bit his lip and gazed back into his eyes, "Could you kiss me? I think, I need to be brought back in the mood, but... Not too much. Sorry, it sounds demandi—

Rochalizo violently shook his head and, proving his point, leant in for a kiss. Under the soft touches of those lips, kissing him so sensually, Suoh's body stirred up to excitement and his back arched forwards. Rochalizo reflexively put a hand in the small of his back to support him. He was better at this when he could improvise and be in the moment. He licked Suoh's lips a little and bit them gently before he asked if he could touch him down there. Suoh whispered a small 'yes', breathing heavily already against Rochalizo's lips and the latter kept kissing his lips as his left hand slipped down Suoh's chest and stopped onto his stomach.

"Can you part your legs a little?"

Suoh executed himself, spreading his pretty thighs to allow him more room for manoeuvre and doing so, the front part of his nightgown fell between his legs, revealing a more pronounced shape of his arousal. Rochalizo's eyes feasted on it while his hand went down to his lower stomach, fingers massaging on his pelvic area, earning a few choked out moans before halting it on his bladder which had Suoh moan a little in anticipation.

"I don't know how to do this", Rochalizo admitted between a few kisses, whispering uneasily.

Suoh kissed him hard in return, appreciating the honesty, even finding it sexy.

"Can I guide your hand?"

He'd whispered it. More sounds of kisses and tongue on lips echoed through the room.

"Go ahead".

Suoh's fingers slowly clasped around Rochalizo's hand and brought them down his lower stomach, settling it between his thighs. As he felt Rochalizo's fingers brush on his clothed crotch, he could not hold back another, bigger moan in the other's mouth quickly followed with muffled high-pitched mewls that Rochalizo embraced on his tongue. The other took a few seconds to get it started and Suoh's hand lingered on his for the time needed to show him where he yearned to be touched and left him when he got the hang of it, applying soft touches to his groin that made Suoh's whimpering resume and his hands on the other's neck scratch deeper.

Rochalizo felt his own pants getting tighter. That body quivering and craving touch — his touch — against him, Suoh's relaxed face and the ecstasy on it was making him so horny he was barely breathing. Very turned on and encouraged by such a given blessing, he started moving his fingers a little faster, moving them along Suoh's lenght, observing which spots gathered the most pleasure noises and coming back to them, going around them. Suoh panted, his chest heaving and his body weak already, rellegating complete trust to Rochalizo for holding him and thought he would burst already when he felt Rochalizo's finger caresses on the head.

His thighs shook, ran through with spasms and started moving by themselves, riding Rochalizo's hand, needing more contact, more rubs, more everything. Those fingers which found almost immediately just the right friction, playing with the nightgown he still wore, used the cloth as a way to smoother the back-and-forth movement he'd just started and in that way, it didn't feel dry nor painful. It was just right. Suoh's moans were beginning to fill the room, half-screamed, half-whined.

And he hadn't lied; from barely the first two or three touches, Rochalizo had felt some wetness spread onto the gown, some humidity on his hands. He'd kept stroking him and now moved his hand up and down around Suoh's lenght, keeping his thumb on the tip when he could, since Suoh seemed to enjoy it. And then, few other touches later, he felt Suoh's body tense, his legs shaking so much he could barely stand on them. Increasing the speed of his caresses, Rochalizo bent down for a last deep kiss, jerking him off against one of his soft thighs, knuckles brushing there too on the inner thighs and against his sack. So much stimulation and pleasure at once ended Suoh and his head fell back in a long moan. Rochalizo held him tight against him, preventing a fall on the wall and his fingers suddenly were soaked in wetness, most of it having gone through the already wet gown.

Rochalizo raised his hand and up and looked at his dirty fingers, not knowing what to do with them now, then let it fall back down. Slowly, he lay Suoh's still trembling body down on the mattress and tried to get him to let him go of his neck so he could lie down too but Suoh didn't let leave. Rochalizo had no choice but to lie down on top of him between his legs. Gazing curiously at Suoh, he tried to peek to see whether he'd gone off his orgasm already. Suoh breathed fast, his dishevelled hair sticking to his face and his eyelids covering half his eyes. But he bore a tiny dumb smile on his lips and Rochalizo assumed he must've liked it. As Suoh's arms strenght evaporated, he was able to free himself from his grip and push himself up on his elbows above him.

"Was it... Um..."

He coughed, wincing. The words were not coming easily.

"Was it good?", he tried asked again tentatively.

Suoh looked up and Rochalizo felt extremely awkward suddenly to be gazing into his eyes after everything. Suoh couldn't care less for any of that; he was all giddy and looked blissfully, naively happy. Giggling mawkishly, he pulled Rochalizo back and crushed him into his arms as though he were a plushie he'd won at a game.

"Mmh, yes very", he mumbled, initiating a thousand kisses in Rochalizo's hair and a thousand more caresses with his hands.

Rochalizo opened his mouth in surprise, panicking a little as Suoh was squeezing him very hard against his body. His arousal had gotten far bigger and pressing by now.

"Wait... Let me go..."

Suoh released him regretfully, watching him sit back on the bed with sad, perplexed eyes. But then, seeing Rochalizo move around so uncomfortably and landing eyes on the still quite big lump between his legs, his pupils rounded and he realised. Still a bit feeble on his legs, Suoh stood up clumsily on his knees and walked slowly on the bed, tentatively to Rochalizo, giggling, until he'd had him cornered against the wall.

"And what can I do for you now, my good Sir?"

"I... Don't know..."

Suoh smiled. He must know what would feel good right now but perhaps Rochalizo didn't know if Suoh would be willing, perhaps due to him being a little tired or due to his own self-conscious reasons — that must have been the reasoning. But Suoh leant down on him, pushing his body onto Rochalizo and Rochalizo's back onto the wall, batting eyelashes until the other's face turned pink.

"I'm sure you at least have one idea...", he said, reading right into his thoughts with that horribly attractive smile and switched to whispering, "Ask away..."

Rochalizo gazed right into his eyes with unrestricted lust and Suoh bit his lips. He looked extremely aroused, yet still a bit reluctant to say and so Suoh asked a useful question.

"How long can you hold on?"

Rochalizo's face melted in embarrass again but the lewd way he gave Suoh, undressing him with his eyes remained unchanged.

"I'm not sure I can even do ten seconds".

Suoh burst out into chuckles. Rochalizo looked like he was going to snap back something mean, switching to defensive behaviour but Suoh kissed him before that happened.

"I'm not mocking you. I'm laughing at our bodies... How bad they are at this".

"Yeah... I've heard t'happens when you're young".

Suoh shrugged and gave him a small nod to the side as if saying 'probably' and went back to former topic.

"So? ... No ideas?"

"One?"

"I'm listening", Suoh said, smirking at him dangerously close.

Rochalizo exhaled, gathering bravery.

"Could you um... Could you..."

There was no way he could say it out loud and so, he proceeded to mimick it. Suoh's eyes rounded up upon realising what it was and Rochalizo lowered his head, thinking even that mimicking he'd done was weird. But Suoh rose his head up by the chin and he gave him a mischevous but gentle smile.

"Sure, let's do it! I should've guessed you'd liked it earlier!"

Suoh took Rochalizo by the hand and settled him gently on his bed cushions. Rochalizo's nervousness was still apparent but he was being turned on a little more with every touch he gave him, his body anticipating pleasure. Climbing onto him, Suoh began kissing him deeply while he pressed hips against Rochalizo and immediately, he heard his soft moans and felt his clothed lenght against his pelvic.

"Is it still okay?", Suoh asked, laying a small kiss on Rochalizo's jaw.

Rochalizo nodded and Suoh thought he looked quite sure of himsef, although just very shy.

"Do you like it? Was it something else you wanted?"

"It's... It's nice", he panted, twisting his hair around his fingers, "But... Do you think you could... Be right above?"

Nodding with good grace, Suoh moved down his body. In doing so, his knee accidentally bumped into Rochalizo's crotch the wrong way and the latter whined a little in pain. Both glanced up, Rochalizo's eyes wide open and Suoh looking mortified.

"Ahh I'm sorry! I hope you're not hurt!"

"..."

Rochalizo said nothing and his eyes relaxed again. Suoh got down again, careful not to hurt him this time. Rochalizo watched him attentively, surely not fearful that he would hurt him again but anxiously monitoring the starting process. Suoh shifted a little above him in contactless movements — excluding his thighs that stroked Rochalizo's hips and legs, but the latter seemed already very aware of them, his breathing subtly accelerating — until half his body was down. He then asked for Rochalizo to part his thighs.

From up close, Suoh couldn't look at them without licking his lips, excited by their roundness and them being chubby, dying for the moment he could be between them. Rochalizo stumblingly spread his thighs and he positioned on him between his legs in a way where both their members brushed against one another through their several layers. As soon as Suoh flumped on him, Rochalizo's moans resumed, coming in packs and high-pitched.

"You like this better?", Suoh giggled and he saw Rochalizo look away with a flushed face, a silent avowal he did before he confirmed it with a very tiny 'yeah'.

Suoh began rubbing himself on him at a good pace, keeping himself up with his hands on Rochalizo's thighs and he made sure to spoil them too, groping and scratching them lightly as he went. Rochalizo panted heavily, whining, his messy hair tousled over his face and in his mouth and quivering legs. A lovely sight. Although, after some time, Suoh began to feel like something was strange. He still heard the others' pleased sounds but couldn't feel his lenght against him anymore. His crotch he rubbed on, instead of gaining hardness was losing it little by little until the area felt soft and flat and he couldnn't pretend like he'd only imagined it anymore.

"Hey... Roch...", Suoh called.

The unsureness must have been audible to Rochalizo and he immediately stilled, raising his eyes at Suoh. The latter opened his mouth uneasily.

"Is there something wrong?"

He'd meant to ask gently but perhaps his words instilled some doubt and self-doubt into Rochalizo's mind and he lifted himself up on his elbows, his head ducked in his shoulders shyly, looking contrite.

"Hm?"

Suoh felt bad. He didn't want to make him feel ashamed, but it was perhaps worth talking about it, let alone if the other hadn't noticed his erection had gone down. Was there a correct way to bring this up without sounding accidentally accusatory or disappointed? He knew Rochalizo could get pretty defensive.

"Uh... I think you're having a... A body breakdown".

He didn't look between his legs and Suoh concluded that he already knew and probably had thought he could somehow restart it after a while which hadn't been the case. If Rochalizo's face turned even redder, he didn't get upset as what he'd contemplated a possibility. However, his confidence seemed to have taken a blow and even as Suoh had strived to treat the matter cautiously, one could read the humiliation on his features. He swallowed hard and sighed, then fell back on the bed, and turned on his side, curling up in foetal position.

"Are we really this terrible?", Rochalizo sniveled, hiding behind his hands.

Suoh flopped down next to him and extended a hand to stroke his back compassionately.

"It happens..."

Suoh felt Rochalizo shrug under his hands and shifted a little closer so he could rest his chin on his shoulder.

"Did you think of anything that caused this?"

"No...", the other grunted, gritting teeth and he then flipped around abrupty, grabbing Suoh's hands in his, as though he was begging to be believed, "It's not because I didn't want you! I don't know how it happened!"

Suoh's expression softened and he trailed a hand in his hair to try and calm him down.

"I know this... And you're talking to a boy. I just know it's bound to happen to me too with how troublesome my body is", he said as he let out a little gush of air in amusement, "And you wouldn't have been upset had it been me".

Rochalizo kept silent and after a slight pause, moved his hand and tugged at Suoh's sleeve.

"Can we try again? Cause I...", he lowered his head and Suoh began nodding to show support even before he said the words, "I still want you".

"I'd love that".

Rochalizo still felt awkward, but he hoped the feeling would pass as they'd get back into it. They both laid down for a short while, him talking about how he'd wanted it to go and Suoh asking for the things that got him really turned on. He dreaded talking through private subjects, holding the belief that words only made decisions and actions kind of forced whereas impulsive initiatives were the most natural, but he also found that the more he chatted with Suoh and the more he felt able to confidently speak his mind without feeling judged.

Suoh positioned on top of Rochalizo again, spreading his legs gently and since it was the second time, both felt at ease in less time than it took before. It was perhaps even more exciting this time since Suoh put in efforts to implement the little things he'd asked for such as that time he leant in, lifted up his blouse and kissed his bare belly, tracing little trails of kisses on the soft skin, around his bellybutton, to his abdomen. All the while, he'd put a hand on Rochalizo's crotch, feeling it and rubbing it at a slow pace first off, keeping it a mere surfacial friction, just enough to draw sensations back down. After which, Suoh's hands rubbed harder on his length and went to scrub the base too, his fingers playing with the nads, rolling them carefully between fingertips, or as much as he could through the clothes. Enjoying this moment, Rochalizo felt no stress anymore and it played in his favour in the way that he rapidly heard his own heavy breath and inner voice running back begging for more. Pulling Suoh up, he scealed their lips together, consuming his mouth with all the longing in his body. He wanted him. He wanted him so much he could die.

As they kissed, a small giggle escaped Suoh's throat and his laughter spread to Rochalizo; he didn't know why they were giggling. It was contagious. Suoh then broke the kiss and lay a few pecks on his knees and forethighs and began rubbing himself into him again. Rochalizo felt hard against him again and he began speeding up a little, experimenting with different levels of pressure.

By then, Rochalizo was mewling in muffled sounds into the pillow. The pleasure from Rochalizo's crotch rubbing onto him and his modest cries were making Suoh somewhat horny again and if he was, he could barely imagine how pleasurable and ecstatic it was to Rochalizo whose body already trembled and lifted up to meet more of him.

"F-fuck", Rochalizo outed in a whimper when Suoh picked up the pace and found an angle that put pression right on his sweet spot.

It made Suoh grin. Rochalizo's moans were quiet but this one had been almost noisy and he took it as a challenge to get more needy, shouted moans out of him. Meanwhile, Rochalizo's hands gripped the cushion he lay on and the sheets as substitute for not being able to hold himself onto Suoh's neck, writhing and purring, his back arching in desire. A few rubs later, Suoh felt Rochalizo's crotch area become a little wet against him, a stain appearing on the pants' seams and deducted he was doing well; that Rochalizo must be a few thrusts away to coming.

He altered somewhat the pace of his rubs, rubbing rougher and harder but with a little pause before each new one, during which he fiddled and groped his nads again. Rochalizo was almost begging out loud by this point, his whimpers hissing as he stuttered unintelligible things. Suoh bowed his head down, wanting to start some teasing but he had barely laid his mouth on Rochalizo's inside thigh and kissed it that a husky, throaty moan was uttered above him and he felt a wave of heat against his crotch filling the other's pants. Some thick smell of arousal filled the air.

Suoh froze a moment, eyes on the other's groin, surprised and curious. Watching someone get their release was an experience he never thought he'd experience and it was so strange, to see the 'uncivilised' and private side of someone, as well as seeing them at their most vulnerable. It was cute too, he thought, hearing another sigh of fulfillment from Rochalizo and he lay another three kisses on the beloved thigh before he climbed back up, hauling himself with the help of Rochalizo's shoulders.

Suoh put his face a mere inches above Rochalizo's and gave him a warm smile. Rochalizo was catching his breath slowly and noticing him, gazed him back in the eyes through a dazed, groggy look. Suoh reckoned he seemed tired now and sluggish. They stared at each other a moment, Suoh's eyes burning of love before Rochalizo pulled him in roughly for a kiss. Their mouths opened for a gentle, warm kiss, lips and tongue fluttering in mixed feelings of love, affection and gratitude. His hands brushing his hair tenderly, Rochalizo kept Suoh very close. He vaguely remembered answering to Suoh who'd asked if he'd liked it and nodding weakly, hugging him even tighter.

After a little while, when both their minds had cleared up a little, Suoh looked down, some concern on his face.

"What?", Rochalizo asked quietly, ruffling his hair with one hand, a big dumb smile on his face, having still not come down from his high.

Suoh's lips quivered and he chuckled, lowering his eyes to Rochalizo's who still lay down with lifted blouse lifted up on his belly and ribs.

"Nice love handles Rochi...", he said, with adoration, his hand trailing on the little fat lumps around his hips.

"I don't like them. They're not nice", the other countered with a pout.

"I love them", Suoh persisted, shifting so he could cup both of them in his hands, "You're beautiful. And it means there is more of you to love".

Rochalizo gave in trying to retort anything, blushing, feeling flattered. Suoh then came closer, rubbing his nose against his and Rochalizo kissed him, smitten, a caring hand in his hair. They shared kisses and little bites for some time, until they were out of breath. When they parted, he then picked up.

"You were wondering about something else though".

"I was just wondering if the sheets are okay".

Rochalizo snorted. His eyes trailed down although he could see nothing, winced and gave him a falsely worried look.

"Not intact I suppose, but can't be catastrophic... I'd worry more about the clothes".

Suoh sheepishly agreed and flopped back onto Rochalizo's embrace, crushing his face onto his chest. The other's hand set on him automatically and stroked the nape of his neck.

"I hope it won't be too obvious when I go get another set of clothes and sheets at the laundry.

Rochalizo cracked up, increasing his caresses on Suoh's neck.

"Depends what kind of excuse you use..."

Suoh shifted his face so his cheek now lay on Rochalizo's breast and traced circular shapes onto his abdomen, thinking of a plausible story he could make up. He hated lying but it was not like he could avoid the lie this time, especially since they could not go fully public. Being in a situation of crisis their civilisation had never had to go through, he expected people to be more permissive of rule breaks and willing to turn a blind eye to what he did if he at least attempted to hide it a bit. But he saw there a perfect opportunity for taunting. He smirked against Rochalizo's skin.

"And what if I tell them the truth?"

"Don't you dare", Rochalizo huffed, half-laughing half-wondering with misgiving if Suoh wouldn't actually be capable of a such a thing.

"Naw! I wish I could, just to see you completely freak out..."

Rochalizo's hands moved down to Suoh's waist to tickle him and Suoh began hissing in laughter.

"You're a little pest, aren't you..."

Suoh giggled, his cheeks hurting from laughing so much. Moving up a bit, he went to cuddle Rochalizo and sneak his chin into his neck.

"Keep pretending you don't like it".

Rochalizo rolled his eyes up his eyebrows and he buried his face in Suoh's hair, kissing a few strands. Every muscle in Suoh's body was relaxed and he began feeling like he could fall asleep in Rochalizo's arms. But he got reminded of something. Something he'd left unsaid and it bothered him that it was not laid down between them. The euphoria in his body and mind, although faint now remained and he chose to ignore consequences that could perhaps be bad.

"I like you. I've liked you for a long time".

Suoh waited in silence, trying to guess the other's reaction. Rochalizo raised his head up and did a little head sign showing that he'd heard. He looked all coy and happy that Suoh had let it known out loud that he reciprocated his feelings. Suoh simply smiled, thought he'd had his definite confirmation, but Rochalizo suddenly grabbed his hand and held it in his. The words sounded a bit unemotional but his grip and his thumb stroking over the back of his hand was brimming over with love.

"I like you too".

Suoh bit his lip, sniffling, stopping himself from crying again. He was barely containing all of this happiness inside of him. He'd wanted this for so long. So long. Tightening his grip around him, he gave him a narrow hug that made him lose his breath and almost choked him a few times. Rochalizo didn't know how to act at first, taken aback by the newness of such affections between them but he cuddled with him back, a hand in his hair. Suoh then moved a little farther from him so that they didn't touch except for their hands that he kept intertwined. Settling his face in his palm, he unconsciously switched to a hushed confession voice.

"I just didn't expect you to want to... Do that with a boy".

Rochalizo's fingers slipped in and out of Suoh's, brushing against them shyly.

"Well, yeah. Me neither... I mean not for me, I didn't expect you", Rochalizo whispered back, eyes looking down while Suoh's were on him.

"And that you'd ever like me...", Suoh said even more quietly.

Rochalizo scoffed at that statement and resumed talking in a normal voice.

"Are you kidding? That's gotta be the easiest part..."

Suoh's cheeks instantly reddened. Hearing those words, it was as though something in him was healing, patching itself back together. He felt suddenly so touched, moved even. His heart began beating fast. He'd always thought himself somebody no one would like, and here, somebody was telling him he was easy, so easy to love... Somebody who loved him.

OoOoO

They'd been laying there for a while when Suoh sat in bed and straightened up, offering the opening a pensive glance. The light of dawn stuck out through the clouds, the candlelights around them barely even necessary now for one could see every corner of the room quite bright with just a look. Something in the air had shifted too, bringing out a more lazy and calm mindset, different than nighttime and its intimate ardour, as the sky filled with grey and purple and the first gulls of the morning cheeped. Rochalizo, still rested on his side, in his arms, breathing calmly into Suoh's covered shoulder, his wrists around Suoh's hips. As Suoh's eyes stayed up, Rochalizo pulled him lightly by the sleeve, a silent ask of what he was thinking, a little pout on his lips.

"It's gonna be day soon, isn't it?"

Suoh bopped his head in confirmation. He then gazed down at Rochalizo, brushed a hand through his hair tenderly before he started slipping off the mattress.

"Where are you going?", Rochalizo protested in a needy, clingy voice, having wanted more cuddles.

"Changing clothes!"

Rochalizo's look of confusion cleared and he lowered eyes on his own clothes with some look of disgust. The both of them would indeed benefit a lot from a clean set. Getting up too he walked up to Suoh who rummaged through his closet. Rochalizo peeked at it nosily, already quite surprised by the size of it compared to his old closet in Amonlogia but then gaped at what was actually inside. Suoh's closet only had a few underwears and hair ribbons.

"W-where are your clothes?"

Suoh picked a fresh underwear for himself and closed the drawer. The other had drawn an amused smile out of him. Another one of those little cultural differences that made every day life fun and so alien.

"We don't really own the clothes, except if we design them ourselves. We need to go get them at the laundry".

Rochalizo winced at him, thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard.

"That's nonsense. Why wouldn't people own their clothes?!"

Suoh shrugged and it made him sigh. He then pouted and asked in a very tiny voice:

"Would you have any for me? And I mean... Underwear and... Pants too, 'cause um..."

Smiling at him, Suoh reopened the drawer and handed him one of his. Rochalizo shook his head and said it was not going to fit.

"Sure, okay. I'm going to go get some clothes for you, a bucket of sand and some alcohol. It's for cleaning yourself", he explained as Rochalizo's face had twisted in confusion again.

Damn this entire country, he'd forgotten water was so precious they couldn't even use it to wash themselves after sex... Suoh asked if he'd like to come and he declined the proposition, too scared people could see the stains on his pants and told him he'd wait for him here. From there, Suoh took off his nightgown and Rochalizo gave him some privacy, going to sit back on the bed his back facing him while he changed.

Suoh came back shortly after in his day clothings with the two buckets he said he would bring back and a few washing cloths. He'd also grabbed a pair of loose pants and underwear for him, which he hoped would fit. First too busy with checking the clothes, Rochalizo noticed that Suoh's appearance looked much more immaculate, his face free of the traces of sweat and his hair kept in a tidy ponytail.

"I've cleaned myself there and hopefully not many people were out at this hour", Suoh explained, flopping around, visibly in a good mood, "You can do it here if you like".

Rochalizo thanked him, implying he would. He'd read through him correctly; he would not, even for his life, walk all the way back to his little house for everyone to see him in such a debauched state and look. Suoh quickly explained how he should proceed, keeping in mind Rochalizo had never had to clean himself in such a way.

"So you start with sand and you scrub it all over yourself. It's not gonna replace water but it definetely removes dirt and sweat. Then use one cloth to remove as much sand as you can. Then the alcohol. Not the opposite. Also don't apply—

"Alcohol on wounds? Yea I got it".

Suoh walked out the door, waiting for him to finish and a few minutes later, Rochalizo appeared at the front door in his new clothes.

"I like those pants on you", Suoh commented, smiling in his palms, sat on the stairs that faced the door to his dwelling.

Rochalizo sat with him on the same step, ignoring his compliment and begrungingly starting a complaint about the fabric quality, the colour too bland for his taste and some other rough details. It had Suoh snicker in a sigh; he was insufferable, but of course, he'd been raised a little Prince as he often forgot.

"Let me just swim to Amonlogia and bring back your royal couturier", Suoh taunted.

Rochalizo chuckled.

"Is that what you're doing later?", he asked, still on the tone for some jest but in a shyer voice then.

Suoh bent down to kiss his skull and Rochalizo automatically flattened and folded himself onto his shoulder like a cat.

"Perhaps. I was more into going fishing later in the afternoon with some cute boy but I don't know if he still wants to come..."

"Don't talk about me in third person, it's cringe S—

"Also he looks quite tired", Suoh added, turning his head to the side and searching for his eyes.

Rochalizo blinked a little and nodded before he slumped back onto the other's shoulder. Suoh moved a hand through his hair, his thumb gently rubbing the back of his neck.

"You should go catch some sleep a little".

"You?"

"Me too. But we should go separately. People are going to talk. And I don't want to risk waking you up when I start my day".

Rochalizo groaned a little in which was a mix of disapprobation and resignation.

"Go fishing in a few hours?"

"That's a given", Suoh confirmed, kissing his ear one last time before they parted.

OoOoO

Suoh's fingers tensed on the rod. He bopped a little silent 'thank you' at Rochalizo whose fingers helped maintain it straight and up and frowned, eyes focused on the water. The spot was bubbling and stirring, a little sand flew away. All of a sudden, the rod wrung and Suoh almost fell over himself in surprise. Rochalizo snickered and grabbed his waist.

"Don't leave with it!"

Suoh giggled on flopped back on his knees, prompting Rochalizo to keep his hands circled around him. On his lap, he found some stability and that he held better, tighter on the rod and began winding up the line as fast as he could. Emerging from the waters, a sand fish popped up, swinging from the hook.

"Caught you!", Suoh exclaimed, glowing with pride.

He turned around, smiling at the other behind his shoulder and it made Rochalizo forgetful in an instant. He loved the little air of victory on his lovely, wind-drawn features. Suoh laughed at him, tickling his sides to make him react.

"Rochi, don't stare at me! It's going to escape!"

The other blinked and redirected his attention on the fish. The sand fish struggled at the end of the rod, trying to spit back the hook and Rochalizo extended an open hand towards the fish. Suoh swiftly climbed off his lap to watch the show. He'd never seen anyone on the Mud Whale needing their hands to control an object, since the power came from the mind. But perhaps (and it was cute), it helped Rochalizo feel like he'd be successful. He bore a little arrogant smile as though he said 'the audience won't be disappointed!'.

He started visualising strenght from his mind and slowly, then fast, the saimia symbols drew on his skin, poured in bright smears of royal blue from his fingers up to his elbow, revealing the systematic pattern of three small dots linked to one another with irregular arcs of circles. But if Suoh let imagination speak for him, it looked a bit like the face of a Kamingaino. Which was pretty ironic.

The brightness of the marks lit up and down, flickering. Rochalizo's body tensed, a droplet of sweat fell from his brow. Suoh supported his cheeks with his hands, leaning in to catch a look at his face. There too, the marks had spreaded on his cheeks, although fainter. Some tiny circles of light traced above his head, like several tiny halos, the beginning of the mark that was supposed to bounce over him. But there was no sign of the complete luminous shield of saimia which appeared above saimia owners. Rochalizo waved his hand insistently towards the fish.

"C'mon!! Move!"

Some blue sparkles gushed out and the halos trembled shortly but that was all it did. Struggling for air, the fish squirmed a little too well and dropped back into the sea.

Rochalizo bent his head down, dispirited. Suoh wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulder.

"It's okay! You were doing good!"

Rochalizo angrily shot a rock at the waters.

"You want to try again? I can catch another fish for you".

The other shrugged and Suoh wondered if this exercise hadn't been overly difficult for saimia wielder beginners. As a result, Rochalizo was being too hard on himself and it was partly his fault for he'd had high hopes for him and his power a bit too soon.

"The wind is going to lift them up before me", Rochalizo grumbled, but nonetheless looking like he'd give it another try.

Suoh gave him a little peck on the cheek.

"It takes time! The Marked children take several weeks, sometimes a month before they can do anything with it. And years to master it completely".

Rochalizo smiled at him and nodded, not looking so down anymore. It could have been the words, or it could have been the kiss, he never knew with him. After Suoh threw the hook into the sea again, Rochalizo grasped his fingers as they waited and they held hands, sharing some jokes and smiling for no other reason than the other being there with them. They were back in the mood for what this had started as; a nice evening fishing at the cliff. As they waited for any fish to be baited, Suoh opened a little vial from his basket and asked Rochalizo to turn his face his way and to close his eyes. The other complained a little that it was very greasy but still let Suoh spread the oil on his face. He'd got sunburnt many times since he'd arrived here, the climate being ruthless on his nobility skin. It was still more resistant than some of the people of his crew; he had travelled a lot after all but had never stayed long-term in any foreign country and had mainly sailed to temperate climate and mid-cold climate zones.

"I don't want to be oily, you won't get close to me", Rochalizo bellyached like a small child.

"That's not true!", the other denied, chuckling at his dramatism, "It's just raspberry oil. Not anything off-putting".

He leant in and kissed Rochalizo's eyebrow to demonstrate otherwise.

Some fish soon bit the hook and, both pulling at it hard, they drew it out of the waters. It was a bigger one than earlier, had also bitten closer to the shore.

"Get him!", Suoh encouraged, giving him a pat on the shoulder.

Rochalizo clenched his jaw and extended a hand again. Suoh pulled it back gently, getting him to focus his mind muscles, not his body's. A few sparkles gushed out again, a little stronger this time and a new circle added to the halos that popped up above his head, vibrantly more colourful. The fish suddenly swung a little against the wind, then quivered upwards.

"Roch!! Almost there!"

The hint of a smile ghosted over his lips and he put his full attention on the dangling animal. The vein on his brow began pulsating and half of a circle formed over his head, vibrating like a giant button. Suoh looked up briefly and his breath hitched, impressed by its closeness with Rochalizo's face, feeling as though a giant plate loomed over both their heads. The fish squirmed upwards again and, letting go of the hook, lifted up into the air, a dozen of inches above. Rochalizo cheeped excitedly.

"It's- It's up!!"

Suoh vehemently nodded, showing an openly proud face.

"Um... H-How do I bring it here? Wait! How do I move it laterally?!", he exclaimed, panicking.

"I don't know! I've no idea!", Suoh yelped, just as clueless and stressed.

All suddenly, Rochalizo's saimia took on a glow and all marks on his arms began milling about as though ran down by swarms of ants, burning of a fierce flashing blue. The screen of light rotated several times, dangerously out of balance and Suoh instinctively ducked, fearing it would collide into him. Then, its revolutions stabilised and a tremor went through it before a strong stream of scintillations erupted out of thin air. The fish shook and abruptly leaped into their direction. None of them reacted fast enough and it drew a curved line before it bounced into Suoh's face. Rochalizo screeched, his saimia brutally turning off and cupped the other's face in his hands as the fish fell to their feet.

"Are you hurt?! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to!"

Suoh stared at him, dumbfounded. He kept silent for a second, gazing at the fish on the ground, then back at Rochalizo and burst out laughing. Rochalizo blinked a little, his mouth twisting into a smile of relief and cracked up too, leaning into Suoh's shoulder and hair and the other tousled his hair playfully.

"That was unexpected, but the success cannot be robbed from you!"

Cheeks flushed with pride, Rochalizo bore that little self-satisfied smug look. A gust of wind blew through his hair, entangling his bangs messily, raising that short unruly cowlick on the top of his head and Suoh's longing for kissing him resurfaced.

"I moved it!"

Suoh giggled, eyebrows perking up at the other's smirk.

"Granted but I'll keep the fish then as victim compensation".

Rochalizo scoffed, eyes achored in Suoh, looking quite smitten and compliant.

"I don't care about it. I'm gonna go lift up something heavier".

"Is there anything you care about?"

Rochalizo's vanity softened into a solar simper; he rocked a little back and forth on his bottom and said nothing. His eyes didn't leave Suoh's for a second and it must have said it all.

"Come closer", Suoh said, his lips twitching up.

Biting the inside of his cheek coyly, Rochalizo slithered forward into Suoh's personal space and embrace that he was gladly leaving to be invaded. They were alone on that cliff or so it seemed, Suoh took notice, looking around them. Since lots of youngsters climbed walls, children hid in bushes, vigilantes kept watch and elders strolled at any moment of the day, you could never really know but he chose to pretend that he was certain no one would be there. His cute face in his neck, Rochalizo looked like he was asking for attention and Suoh's thinking was getting strongly influenced by that.

Suoh held his cheeks and kissed him softly. His lips on his were reminding him that last night or rather this morning had not been a dream. His heart did a flip in his rib cage when Rochalizo hushed up a little sound of his into his mouth and pressed himself so close, his knee rested on Suoh's. It was easy for him to forget how near and ever-present happiness was now. How the lonely hours would slowly erase from his mind and feel as though they'd never existed. He hugged Rochalizo tighter, taking comfort and many things from their kiss, a hand fondling his back. They had found each other.

A leaf crunched in the distance and they parted steeply. Suoh looked behind his shoulder, a little worried. Chakuro stood there and it was hard to guess what he was thinking at the moment, apart from fairly granted confusion and astonishment. He then blushed, eyes meeting with Suoh, waved an awkward hand to his eyes signifying that he saw nothing and walked by them quickly.

"What was that?", asked Rochalizo, who hadn't seen the boy as he had checked in other directions first but still sounded embarrassed.

Past the first shock, Suoh relaxed and let himself fall limply against the other's chest, snuggling there.

"Only Chakuro. He won't say anything. I know it".

"Hmph".

He didn't have to sigh; Suoh knew what he was thinking of but he had stopped caring. He didn't want to take all the precautions there were to hide them, nor for their love to be enjoyed with cuffs and heavy secrets. It would hurt too much to know that others got to love openly while he, even as he was offered the chance, would be shamed into keeping it behind closed doors. There was no knowing to what extent it would also damage what they had and Suoh was not taking that risk. Although the bigger threat to his relationship would be himself, he could feel it. He could feel himself still putting fences between them, not daring to be as cuddly and as affectionate as he wished to be, because he wasn't fully realising he had the right. He wasn't fully realising he could now, and that Rochalizo would only be happy about it.

I can do this now... He won't reject me. This is what he wants. He likes me...

Breathing peacefully against Rochalizo's bust, he wrapped loving arms around his middle, clinging to him like he'd always wanted. He was letting his love for him blow up. His stomach squirmed in his belly; he wanted a love for himself and for the loved one so intense, so ravagingly strong that it would reach the highest lights. And, unsurprisingly, scratching carefully through Suoh's hair, Rochalizo gave him the tender touches he'd come to fetch.

When the sun rays became harsh on them, they both lied down in the shade under a tree, entwining fingers, linking legs and arms and innocent lips when no one came around. Each kiss tasted like summer, lemon trees and bonfires. Just like the wind brushed over them protectively, it blew lightly on the blades of grass and roamed through them, muddling them up in rave, causing the effect they rested in a stormy sea of grass. His hand clutching softly on Rochalizo's chest, Suoh's lids were closing, wishing to catch up with the other missing half of their night. And for the first time before going to sleep, he realised there was not a single train of worry that crossed his mind. Taking a small content breath, he snuggled into Rochalizo's neck and let the other craddle him lightly with a kiss on his brow before sleep took him away for a nowhere stroll.

OoOoO

"Suoh... Suoh wake up..."

Suoh awoke feeling shivery. The wind blew stronger than before and the rays of sunlight had dwindled behind some new rain-loaded grey clouds on the horizon. The bamboo trees swung, barely held back by their large trunk bases, announcing the far but looming storm. He could smell the scents that arose before the rain and those of the neighbouring catnip and mallows. After which came two fingers on his left eyelid, tipping on it slightly, prompting him to open it. He caught sight of Rochalizo first, him and his lovely bright two-coloured eyes. Suoh wanted nothing than to kiss him again.

"Sorry to wake you up", Rochalizo said piteously, scratching the back of his neck, "But..."

He had to push Suoh back gently because he had begun leaning in on him for a kiss, pursing his lips slightly.

"... The brats wanted to play".

Recoiling and beginning to sit up, Suoh looked dizzily around him. The weeping willow he had napped under in Rochalizo's arms had rolled up its branches like sleeves under the gusts of wind, uncovering their little intimate spot and saw that they were now circled with a small group of children of all ages. Rochalizo helped him up on his knees, as he was, a hand supporting his back and rubbing it kindly.

"How was that nap?", he asked, drapping Suoh in his own cape as he saw his goose bumped skin.

Suoh shot a bright smile at him.

"Awesome, thank you".

Rochalizo smiled back warmly and turned to the flock of children, immediately resuming what must have been a verbal fight between him and the group. It showed, that he was not very good with children, having himself been the youngest child, and his uncooth behaviour also being in cause, not seeking to be kind nor patient with them. But contrary to what even Suoh would have thought, children seemed to adore him.

He crawled on his knees and tapped Rochalizo's shoulder while positionning between him and the children, wishing to arbitrate the conflict.

"What's this about?"

Rochalizo opened his mouth but a few kids beat him to it.

"We saw Rochi's saimia!!", a little girl cheeped excitedly.

"Yes!! We saw it!"

"But he said he won't lift us up with it...", another one added and by the end of his sentence, he'd started crying.

The collective effect worked wonders sometimes, Rochalizo thought as he witnessed half the group had begun crying after the little boy. He outed an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes and slid an annoyed look at Suoh, hoping it would convey his 'I've tried but they're the pushy ones' message. Suoh shook his head, a tired smile on his lips as though he said 'you're as worse as them'. He stepped forward and opened his arms for kids to snuggle into his embrace. The kids happily pressed themselves around him, pulling at his tunic and his ponytail, making a joyous racket. Left on the side, Rochalizo watched them, getting quite irritated, arms folded on his chest.

"Are you done pretending like I've freaked you out?!", he grumbled.

Some kids escaped Suoh's arms and came to taunt him mercilessly, sticking their tongues at him.

"As if you're scary!"

"Hey!"

Before he could decide if he wanted to go after them, the kids flew away sneering to few nearby bushes, stomping into the heath. Rochalizo got up on his feet, sighing again, noticing Suoh too had got up and was holding the smallest of children in his arms because he did not walk well yet. Rochalizo had a soft spot for seeing him taking such good care of the kids, treating them with such affection, but he would never tell him that. He could not see him without any children of his own; he was seeing him already, one day, embracing his own children with the same tenderness.

The rest of the children clung to Suoh or came around Rochalizo, tugging at his pants to beg him to play the game with them. Suoh saw in his eyes that he would accept; he was too kind. Eventually, after a few arguments with them and anger tantrums, he yielded to their demands, arguing it would only be one jump each. The little ones ran away excitedly, rushing to go spread the good news to their friends.

"You're pretty popular with children", Suoh commented, stroking the youngest child's hair as they walked to the agreed place for playing.

Rochalizo swole his cheeks in annoyance, burrying his hands deeper inside his pockets.

"Yea no, I think that's more because they don't take me seriously and like to see me upset..."

"That's perhaps a little true", Suoh admitted, laughing heartily.

"Do you think it's a good idea?", Rochalizo pondered, both to the other's intention and to himself.

Suoh smiled.

"You can try and if it turns out your saimia is still unstable, you'll just launch them up the usual way".

They soon joined with the group in the clearing. Brown blades of glass covered the ground, diffusely dredged in moss and the few tall-height trees that bordered the entry to the small forest were far enough, them and their large knotted roots upon which people could stumble. But they'd stopped under the lowest trees which meant that even if Rochalizo lost control of his saimia, there would be no harm, as they'd explained. The children waited in excitement, shouting to themselves that they were gonna be launched the highest and the farthest. Suoh argued that being thrown the farthest might not be a good idea. Meanwhile, Rochalizo inspected the decrepit armchair the stronger children had dragged there with ropes while half of them had dropped down, panting from the effort.

"Why did you bring this for?"

The children acted shocked that he did not know why and mumbled a few incorrect or jokey explanations before redirecting him to Suoh. The latter turned around and asked for the question to be repeated. Rochalizo grumbled that he had no idea why an armchair had been brought to the clearing. More children laughed and he grunted, getting irritated that no one deigned to inform him. Was this so obvious that even children could guess this? He hated to feel dumb and ignorant. The other saw he was feeling left out and hurriedly got to breaking it down, rubbing his arm gently.

"Without it it'd a rule break", Suoh explained, "The council decided long ago that the Marked would not use their powers directly onto human beings to avoid accidents or voluntary violence".

Rochalizo nodded. He hadn't thought about that and the rule made sense... Or at least for a community composed of utopists like them. In theory, he was thinking this rule was a shame, for it forbid many wonderful possibilities from being put in practice. Had his country developed samia, this rule would've never been written out. But from his little explanation, he recalled only a thing. He smirked at him.

"Oh yeah?? Tell me more about how you honour the rules, Mayor".

Suoh sucked his lips in, uttering a slight awkward laugh and proceeded to smile innocently at him. Clutching at Suoh, the children started peeping again.

"What does he mean??"

"Suoh, what's he saying?"

The person of interest fidgetted around for a while, claiming it was nothing and the kids chased him around for more answers. Rochalizo snickered evilly; and he thought he was a good liar... Suoh came back around followed by well-behaved and no longer curious children. He must have fed them a white lie.

Rochalizo then began with his first tries, under the bewildered eyes of children. They'd piled up a few rocks on the chair and his saimia ran up and down his arms as he focused on the object alone. Several times, he lifted up the rocks instead of the chair and he found out he could only raise the chair from the ground by half an adult's height. Some children nagged again, but Suoh silenced them. Rochalizo scratched his neck, quite disappointed. He could pretend he had not done it to impress the kids but as they'd started encouraging him it had somewhat become an objective.

The same little girl that had cried suggested that it might help if Rochalizo tried raising up the chair first and if kids jumped on it while it floated. That it didn't work right now, because Rochalizo felt both masses were impossible to lift up, under the illusion that it would weigh too heavy for his mind to carry. Rochalio looked impressed and Suoh whispered to him about how this one had Marked older sisters and that her advice might not be completely wrong. Nodding, Rochalizo executed himself and it did the trick. As the chair rose up from the ground in a swarm of blue sparkles, kids pressed themselves into it, jumping in pairs, sometimes even in four. And Rochalizo made the chair tremble just a little, being gentle with how the children were bounced around, crying joyously. He got acclaimed, clapped. Even the children that had nagged him before jumped in his legs to hug him. When most children grew tired of it and left, Rochalizo walked up to Suoh and took him by the hand.

"You want me to try with you?"

Suoh opened in mouth, hesitating, shrugging. The other sneered, closing fingers further on his arm and pulling him in.

"Oh come on. Don't lie... I saw you were dying to try".

"Isn't it a game for children? I might come in too many".

"Nonsense", Rochalizo retorted, "And it's not just children that play games".

Suoh had hoped he would say that. He hadn't wanted to say it, but he'd also wished for a sky ride. He gladly stepped forward and sat on the armchair. Rochalizo looked behind his shoulder, as though he was nervous people would see them and Suoh wondered what the issue was now. The last child of the group, the youngest whom Suoh had cuddled earlier left with his older brother and they were now alone in the clearing.

"Alone at last", Rochalizo complained, frowning himself back into focus and his the sparkling marks rippled on his cheeks and brow.

Suoh had never seen them so vibrant and clearly formed. He must have gotten used to the sensation of shifting objects with his mind. He'd made so much progress so fast! In awe, Suoh shifted a little on the armchair.

"I don't know how you can endure it", the other pursued, some resentment in his voice, "I hate being a good example to people. And with children it's kinda compulsory so..."

Suoh's mind lit up. A good example? What was he talking about?

"That's why, to hell with this chair... Lifting it drained me anyway!"

"Is it really so heavy?", Suoh asked and just after he'd lain the question down, he understood what was upon him.

Suddenly, he felt his body leave the chair and the ground shrank under his feet. One look below and he saw Rochalizo and the top of his head from above, smiling at him excitedly.

"It worked!!"

Suoh's eyes widened and he began breathing fast. He was floating up, roughly two meters above the grass. He had never experienced that; being so high up and no spots to catch and save himself. Panic rose in him.

"H-How did you do that?! Put me down!"

Rochalizo immediately positionned just under Suoh and extended his arms. Once all marks had melted away into his skin, Suoh felt gravity push hard on his body and he fell into down onto Rochalizo, landing safely in his arms. Suoh clung to him tightly, regaining his composure and calm. With a giggle in his voice, Rochalizo apologised and asked if he was okay. Suoh nodded restlessly, gaping at him a little.

"First of all", he started with a heavy breath, "You can't do that!! I almost had a heart attack!"

Rochalizo giggled all the more, holding him narrowly against him, loving the way Suoh snuggled against him for comfort and wrapped his legs around his waist like a noose.

"Sorry, I just wanted to see if it worked!"

"Secondly!", he pulled away from Rochalizo just a little, "It's not allowed!"

Suoh fidgetted nervously, convinced the other would disregard that argument. After all, he was right. He wasn't one to talk... Rochalizo rose a sassy eyebrow and Suoh knew he'd guessed right. Besides, how could he persuade him of the wrong of some law when he himself was not entirely... Rochalizo seemed to have read his mind on that too.

"You don't really believe in it, do you?"

Suoh sighed and looked around, admitting defeat.

"I don't really condone it being widespread but... If it's just us..."

"My! I can't believe how corrupted this Mayor is...", Rochalizo taunted, jiggling Suoh gently up and down by his middle and the latter laughed with him.

"Weren't you the one who said a little corruption oils the system?"

"I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it happened befo-"

"Yea, okay. I'm not listening!", Suoh protested, laughing so much and in imbalance as he tried covering his ears that he was barely holding in Rochalizo's arms.

The other helped him restore balance, locking protective arms around him. His gaze was unescapable and of an alarmingly nonchalant curiousness, as though he could see the omnious consequences flashing before his eyes and did not care in the least.

"No but seriously, what do you think you're doing?"

Suoh gave him a somewhat puzzling and tainted smile and stroked his cheek, diving deep into those inquisitive eyes and giving back a look full of love and adoration. His own eyes reflected hazardous determination and Rochalizo did not know how to read it, except that he felt filled with a galvanising feeling.

"I don't know anymore. But it feels good. I'm gonna do what feels good. Now", he said, changing topics and squirming in his arms excitedly like a child, "Lift me up again!"

Rochalizo's mouth opened a little in pleasant surprise and chuckled, going with his demand. Once more, he made Suoh bounce up in the air, cherishing his little laughs and cries of enthusiasm. And each time, Suoh landed in his arms, holding him tightly and lovingly. When he last dropped into Rochalizo's arms, the latter covered him in kisses, whispering some sweet nothings and Suoh lost himself in them.

"So what was it like up there?", he asked, putting him down safely to earth.

Suoh simply smiled.

"I saw stars from up-close. I even landed on a cloud".

#cotw #knk #children of the whales #kujira no kora wa sajou ni utau #les enfants de la baleine #suoh #rochalizo #tokusa #suou #rohalito #tonoko

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