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#thought it would be a good idea to post it today
pickleluvrgirl · 3 days
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Email Questions w/ Ben Coccio
So I emailed Ben Coccio with some of my burning questions regarding Zero Day (and his work in general). I got permission to post these but aagghh I'm just so excited. I loved reading these takes and I think they're such an interesting perspective. It's pretty long so I put the rest of the questions under the cut :)
In an interview from a few years back, you'd mentioned knowing about online communities surrounding ZD. What are your thoughts on Zero Day’s legacy today as a cult classic, with such a strong fanbase 20 years on?
I think it's fascinating. I have theories, but even though I made the movie, I really have no idea. These are just complete speculation, so take them with a grain of salt: 
I wonder if part of it is because America simply refuses to address its ongoing gun problem? Back when I made ZD, I was convinced that Columbine would be the last mass shooting of its size in my lifetime. I can't believe how wrong I was, but I can also totally believe it. ZD is 22 years old, so there are at least 2 generations of Americans that have grown up with mass shootings being a frequent terror in American life. So maybe this movie just articulates a fear or anxiety that is front of mind for a lot of people?
I also think it could be that ZD functions like a dark John Hughes movie or something - where the essential quality of the movie that resonates with people is not actually the nightmare subject matter, but its buddy-teen-movie vibe. I think it was Martin Scorsese who said that you don't watch a movie more than once for the plot - you watch it more than once for the story, and to hang out with the characters. I think the sincere depiction of being a teen - even in the context of them planning something awful - has the quality of hanging out with friends as a teen. And the characters are fun to hang out with, even though they are terrifying.
I think American culture tends to romanticize killers - from serial killers to Charles Manson to Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. At the same time, I think all cultures tend to romanticize youth - and stories of self-destructive youth is a very romantic subgenre. I think it's possible that ZD's subject being young people and ZD's willingness to depict a mass shooting without demonizing the shooters speaks to a subset of young people who are enamored with a romanticized idea of school mass shooters. Perhaps they see the sincere depiction of Cal and Andre's humanity as a confirmation of this romantic ideal? Along these lines, Cal and Andre are good looking, charismatic kids, so there's that! 
My last theory is that the movie came along as video on the internet was getting more and more widespread - I just checked and youtube came along in 2005. The movie was built on the idea of what my friends and I did in high school, pre internet, with VHS cameras. And that only got more and more common amongst middle class teens as the 90s wore on. So ZD is kind of tailor-made to be discovered on youtube at that time - it's actually kind of a great way to watch it, too, as opposed to other movies where that context would be a distraction. I remember that the shooting scene was put up by someone on 'liveleak' as actual footage from Columbine, which was both gross and a fascinating media ecosystem phenomenon. 
With The Beginner specifically, was it strange working with Cal as an actor in such a different role compared to Zero Day?
Not strange, just different. Cal is a really good actor and we got to know one another so well doing Zero Day that we're practically like family. I think what was interesting was that it was a different kind of movie - it had a lot of improv, like Zero Day, but it had a different tone and had a different relationship with depicting a 'movie world'. I was going for a subtle surreal quality, I suppose. Zero Day was designed to be aggressively 'realistic' (maybe naturalistic is the better word?) and the beginner was meant to be built like a parable or fable. 
So there were things I wanted Cal to do that were not realistic, or maybe odd. I was not experienced enough at the time as a director to articulate what I was going for, and too insecure as a person to accept that what I thought was right didn't work for a close collaborator of mine. A good example is when Cal comes home, after his parents thought he might be dead, he hugs them, and then excuses himself to go alone up to his room.  Cal really had issues with this moment - he just didn't buy it. I was trying to be efficient in the scene, and not have a 'time passing' cut, or some other device. But I couldn't persuade Cal, and instead I just kind of tried to pull rank on him, which, considering how we make work together, was a total failure. Sometimes, when you're anxious or insecure, it's easy to get controlling or pushy - you just want to bypass the process and simply get what you want.
Would you change anything if you made Zero Day today? Not necessarily on a technical level, but in response to how much the culture surrounding guns and mass shootings in the US has changed over recent years.
I think if I made it today, I'd have to build it in a radically different way. 
First, I think I would be more aware of choosing to tell the story of two male, white, middle class teens (as opposed to how I did it at the time - by unthinkingly defaulting to two, white, male, middle class teens because I grew up as a white, male, middle class teen). But I would still likely make it about two, white, male, middle class teens, because it's just easier to 'write what you know.'
Second, the changes in tech are such that white middle class american kids probably have a 16x9, 4k video cam on their phone, one which those kids use way more than if they lived in a time of miniDV camcorders -- not to mention the fact that they would be commonly framing video in a vertical format. So right off the bat, the images that made the movie would be totally different in a fundamental way. 
Third, their phones are connected to the internet, social media, et al, and so are they. Does the phone service their parents use upload everyone's videos and pics to a family cloud account? If so, does that change what they shoot and how? Does the way the kids use social media scratch the itch that would have made them get out the camcorder in 2002?
Fourth, mass shootings and our reactions to them/motives for committing them have changed so much as they have gotten more frequent. They are no longer national events like Columbine was. Or, if they are, they don't last as national events in shared memory like Columbine did. Paradoxically, mass shootings like Uvalde and Sandy Hook - which warranted less overall coverage in the current media landscape than Columbine did in 1999 - make Columbine look almost quaint in comparison. For white middle class people in rich countries, mass shootings have become a fairly common tool for political violence in the name of a broad ideological project of intolerance - from homophobia to incel misogyny to racism to hatred of other religions.
When Columbine happened, I was not thinking in those terms culturally. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were enigmas to me. Their shooting an explosion of nihilistic violence that I was both drawn to with morbid fascination and repelled by. The Eric Harrises and Dylan Klebolds of today are Eliot Roger or the Tree of Life shooter or the Pulse nightclub shooter or the guy that shot up the sikh temple or the mosque mass shooting in new zealand or the guy that shot up the supermarket in Buffalo (and on and on). Many of these shooters' entire social lives consisted of participating in online communities dedicated to hate and cruelty which, although similar to the way Cal and Andre egg each other on in ZD, is not maybe a story easily told well with cinema.
Mass shootings were, long before Columbine, a tactic of political violence, from the Puerto Rico separatist attack on the house of reps in the 1950s to the Japanese Red Army attacking an Israeli airport in 1972 to the guy that attacked the congressional baseball game back in 2017 hoping to kill a bunch of republicans. It seems to me that a lot of the mass shootings we see in America today are a continuation of a long-standing trend of right-wing political violnce in America, and maybe now part of a kind of low-simmer civil war - maybe even at the same time that they are externalized suicides committed by severely alienated people with easy access to ridiculously powerful weapons . This has changed how we interrogate these events after they happen - we look quickly for political or ideological motivations. We also have new things we blame mass shootings on now - just recently, a jury convicted the parents of a mass shooter with involuntary man-slaughter because they did not stop their kid from shooting up their school.
Fifth, mass shootings have become such a part of our cultural life in America, that people deciding to enact a shooting are engaging with a much deeper meta-cultural narrative than the characters in ZD were. Where do these characters fit into that meta-narrative?
Do you find that your influences have changed majorly since you first started making films? Are there any themes, concepts or artists that you find you've pulled away from that used to influence you heavily?
When I was a kid, I was a picky eater. Now I like all kinds of food, even though I still have my favorite meals. When I was a kid, I would eat the same thing over and over again. Now, I go out of my way to try new kinds of food. I still really care about the taste and presentation of what I eat, but the most important thing now is what's behind the meal - who I'm eating it with.
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anadiasmount · 2 days
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i thought i would finish by tonight but i am slowly falling asleep and can’t focus… here’s a small teaser but real fic will be posted later today!! ☹️🤍
jude’s hand snuck around your waist, his thumb drawing shapes as his full attention was with your cousin who spoke about sports. you listened then and there, but your feet began to ache, switching your weight back and forth uncomfortably.
jude was quick to notice, leaving down to your level and asking if you were okay. “i’m fine i promise, these shoes are killing me that’s all,” you reassured with a smile, jude nodding before cutting the conversation after a few minutes. “i’m going to get her a chair and drinks for us,” you froze when he kissed your temple, “i’ll see you around later,” jude said his goodbyes dragging you along slowly.
like before, your chest beat faster, if he stared, smiled, even touched or got near you, you’d get nervous immediately. the familiar string of falling for someone filling the empty space left behind inside you. he was super good at pretending and it didn’t feel like that anymore.
it felt real. was he just pretending? or was he actually taking this fake relationship real?
all you could do was stare at his face, mostly his gorgeous brown eyes as he helped you get seated and served you some water, making sure you were fully okay. he sat next to you, his hand interlocking with his, and placing it on his lap as he paid attention to his surroundings. you become quiet, so into your head and questioning his every move now.
“jude?” you spoke softly, a confused smile on your face as he immediately turned to you with a soften gaze. you inhaled a breath, unable to look away from him, his ínstese state causing you to feel intimidated. “is everything okay?” he asked, leaning slightly over to you, pushing a small string of hair back. “is it supposed to feel like this?”
“what is?” jude shook his head not understanding.
“us? why am i getting the idea we’re no longer pretending…”
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noiryinn · 2 days
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study sessions
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pairing(s): oblivious!itoshi sae x flirty!male reader
summary: you are giving one too many hints that you like sae, but he gets none of them and assumes you two are a bit too close for friends. you decide to take matters into your own hands and be his secret admirer
warnings: none!
word count: 4.5k
a/n: thanks for the support on my last post i love you guys!! it’s like one of my biggest headcanons that sae is oblivious to things such as romance cuz the only thing he canonically knows abt is football 😭. i had no idea what to write for the notes so...yeah. also, i didn't intend for it to be so long, i just kept writing. anyways enjoy this mess of a fic! <3 (not proof read)
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you sat in class, leaning on your right hand, thinking and a bit annoyed. how hasn’t sae taken the hint? you don’t just flirt with your friends, dammit! you probably couldn’t even ask him out cause he’d just assume you were joking. you don’t ask friends out as a joke either do you? friends…that word left a bad taste in your mouth. you were so blatantly obvious, but he couldn’t take the hint? you started thinking of plans that might work. then you settled on one. be sae's secret admirer, then reveal who you are! the more you thought about it, the more the plan seemed like a good idea. it was around a week from his birthday too, maybe that'd be your gift to him, a new boyfriend. you grinned in excitement, this was gonna be fun!
after you got home, you decided to write him a note and put it in his locker. you changed your handwriting while you were writing the note, not wanting him to discover who it was immediately. it was pretty simple, but kinda (very) directed at his obliviousness, but it was nothing out of his comfort zone. the note read "i think you're pretty cute, but you can't take a hint. maybe start paying attention to how others act around you!". you wondered if your plan would work, but only time will tell.
the next day you arrived early and put the note in his locker. you hoped that he wouldn’t throw it out like the other love letters and confessions he got. your prayers were answered though, as during lunch, when you were sitting at your guys’ desks, he said something. “i got a note in my locker today,” he said bluntly. “yeah?” you grinned, “and you didn’t throw it out?” you silently celebrated. “no, something about it was different.” he gave you the note and crossed his arms before leaning them on the table. “what did she mean by ‘start paying attention to how others act around you’?” his eyebrows furrowed in curiousity. “she, huh? you think it’s a girl?” you looked in his eyes. “are you implying it’s not?” sae raised an eyebrow. “just saying, ya never know” you smiled.
you stared at the note a bit longer. “kinda funny how they say you’re cute but then say you’re oblivious,” you chuckled, “can’t blame ‘em” you flirted, but the tone was quite subtle. “what’s that supposed to mean?” sae looked at you curiously, “don’t worry ‘bout it” you waved off. “seriously—nevermind. you’re impossible anyway” he sighed in defeat. you grinned at him, “yeah, i know.”
you looked over at the note again, “honestly, i think it’s a sign to think about anything other than football.” you remarked as you toyed with the edge of the note, your fingers tracing the words as you tried to gauge sae's reaction. “football is not the only thing i think about. it's important to me, though.” sae said, his tone a bit offended. “you literally don’t pay attention in class because you’re thinking about it.” you stared at him with an eyebrow raised, “that’s why we go on like study dates all the time.” you put the word ‘date’ on purpose, wondering how he’d react. “i guess you’re right.” he said indifferently. no reaction... “hey, we gotta test tomorrow, right? let’s go to my place and study for it!” you suggested, “but we have to practice for our upcoming practice match after midterms…” he protested, both of you were on the school’s team and often practiced together. “well you won’t play if you don’t keep up your grades!” you protested right back. “…fine. i’ll go over to your house.”
after the school day was over, you waited at the gates for sae so you two could walk home. he was late, which made you annoyed. so you decided to text him. his contact name read ‘sae ❤️’ which he never commented on, for some odd reason. you texted him “where r u?? i’ve been waiting for like 10 minutes”. after 1 or 2 minutes he responded with “sorry, some girl confessed to me. i think she was the one who left me the note.” oh how wrong he was…
sae finally met up with you and he was as stoic as ever. “well well well, look who showed up,” you got up from the wall you leaned on, “betcha you rejected that girl without hesitation as usual, didn’t you?” you smirked, seeing how she was clearly upset and tearing up. you hoped that wouldn’t be you… “i wouldn’t say without hesitation…” sae shoved his hands in his pockets. “yeah right! you totally did, she’s crying cuz of ya, playboy!” you snickered a bit, “it’s not funny, l/n. and don’t call me ‘playboy’” he looked at you coldly. “you’re such a buzzkill, it was a joke anyways, handsome.” you teased with a coy smirk before putting an arm around his shoulder. “ugh, don’t call me that either, what’s even the point of calling me that?” he replied with a grimace. “ah, just saying cause you are, and all the girls seem to think so too.” you smirked. “don’t joke around like that.” he said, a face of disdain became more evident. “see? a total buzzkill…”
you opened the door to your house before turning and speaking to him, “so, you wanna tell me what happened with that girl?” your curiosity was out of this roof. “she confessed to me like any other girl. but i think she was the one, cause she handed me a letter and the handwriting was pretty similar.” sae mentioned. “that so? and what if it doesn’t stop?” you asked, already knowing the answer. “try to find out who it is, i guess”
the two of you went up to your room. it wasn’t messy but it wasn’t clean either. you grabbed an extra chair, put it at your desk and you two started studying together. you regularly had the urge to stare at him for long moments of time, and “accidentally” brush your fingers on his when grabbing a pen. sae's gaze flickered to the folded paper on your desk, a curious expression crossed his face, “hey, what’s that?” you looked at the note, it was the second letter, but you couldn’t ouright tell him that, “uh, it’s a grocery list my mom gave me for tomorrow, cause she won’t be here.” and he took it, like that. “oh, okay.” then shrugged it off…
“hey, can you help me with this question?” sae asked, you already knew all the material, since you actually payed attention in class. “sure,” and you leaned over, a bit too close (on purpose), and started helping him with the question. “you get it now?” you asked, after some frustration. “yeah, thanks. you’re actually kinda smart.” he remarked backhandedly, “hey! what’s that supposed to mean? i’m very smart thank you very much! i wouldn’t even be in this situation if you actually paid attention in class. stop focusing on football so much!” you hit him on the head lightly, but in a playful manner. he tried to hit you back, but you dodged, right before your chair tipped backwards and you fell. “guess you could say i fell for you— ow!” then your head got hit, not as lightly by sae. “don’t say stuff like that.”
you faked a sulk for the rest of the time he was there, maybe he’d feel bad for you and kiss you or something. “you gonna keep pouting?” he asked, “yeah. maybe you should leave, you’re ruining my vibe with all this negativity!” you didn’t really mean that, but of course he thought that. sae really didn’t get social cues. “wait! i didn’t actually mean that—” then he shut the door. now you were actually sulking. stupid sae…didn’t even give you a kiss either.
it was day 2 of your plan, you bought a cute little seagull plush keychain and wrote a note to go with it. it read “hey, handsome! just wanna say, you’re a bit dense for not even getting one clue. but keep it up! i believe in ya!” maybe he’d get that ‘handsome’ was something that you’d often say to him…yeah probably not. it was a stretch. you did the same thing, go to school a bit early, put the things and his locker and pretend nothing happened. a part of you wanted this to continue, but the other didn't. there was an urge to tell him you liked him and get it over with. but where was the fun in that?
as you sat in class, you finished your test, which was fairly easy. but you seemed to zone out after that, your mind occupied on how to get sae to realize that it was you. the thought got you frustrated, but pumped out as you wondered what sae's reaction would be to your note. after class, there was a few minutes before the next teacher came in. "hey." sae said as he sat next to you, "soo...what'd ya think?" nudging him playfully with your elbow, his expression nonchalant as ever. "about...?" he asked, "about the test, silly! you think you passed?" he had to be fairly confident, i mean you helped him out. "uh, sure. it was kinda easy." he dismissed it, as always. "it's totally cause i helped you out, right? right?" you teased, "...right, whatever you say."
something seemed to be on sae's mind. maybe it was about the notes. your suspicions were confirmed when he said something, "i got another note today," he mentioned, his expression puzzled. you couldn't contain your excitement as you took the note from him and examined it before giving it back, "wow, another one huh?" you remarked casually, trying to conceal your eagerness. "what's it say?" you asked, your breath hitching in your throat. sae shrugged, clearly confused by the note's contents. "it's just… encouraging me to pay more attention to things," he replied, his brow furrowing in confusion. you tried to avoid yourself from smiling inwardly, knowing that your plan was working. "maybe they're trying to help you out," you suggested playfully, hoping he would catch on to your subtle hints.
despite your frustration, you found it impossible to not admire how clueless sae was, it was adorable, in its own irritating way. you tried to drop hints and flirtatious comments, but he seemed to brush them off without a second thought as you just "joking". but as much as you wanted to reveal the truth, there was a part of you that hesitated. what if sae didn't feel the same way? what if it ruined the friendship you had worked so hard to build? despite all this, you didn't want to give up either. you were so deep into this already.
so, for the rest of every period, your gaze remained fixed to him. thinking on how to confess to him, also admiring him. after a bit of thinking, midterms were the day after sae’s birthday, unfortunately. must suck, must suck even harder because all club activities were canceled for the rest of the week due to midterms too! but, there was a good part to it too, maybe he won’t focus so much on football. after school, before he was going to walk home, you called out his name.
“sae! wait up!” he turned around to see you jogging to him, “what?” sae snapped at you, not too rudely though, a bit annoyed he couldn’t be alone. “you wanna come over to my house to study for midterms? cmon, i know you’re not learning anything in class, as always!” you could see him be reluctant before sighing. “fine, but not today. i’m busy.” fair enough, it was fine, as long as if you got to confess to him on his birthday. “you better not be saying that so you can play football!” you turned to look at him and you saw he was avoiding your gaze. “you’re totally obsessed…” not like you could say anything. you were pretty much obsessed with football too (and him), but not as much.
the atmosphere was kinda awkward after that, so you decided to say something, “did you get another clue to who that person was?” you asked casually, trying to read his expression. “not yet,” he admitted, “but i know it’s someone closer to me. how else would they know seagulls were my favorite animal?” he wondered holding up the keychain, admiring it a bit in the light. “you gonna keep it?” you looked at the keychain as well, hoping he said yes, “yeah, it’s pretty cute. i don’t want to throw something like this away either.” you eyes naturally set on the way his lips curled up ever so slightly, the way his hair fell on his face and caught the sunlight. your face flushed as you scrambled to look away. if you didn’t realize it before, but now was when you realized how much you actually liked him.
“so, this one’s different, huh?” you tried to change the subject, “what do you mean ‘different’?” he asked, raising an eyebrow in curiosity. you fumbled for words, as you thought about if he caught you staring or not, “i mean, normally you throw out any gift and reject every person…what’s so different now?” you swallowed nervously, hoping your words didn't come off too blunt. "i just meant... well, you usually don't keep stuff like this. but this time, you're actually considering it," you explained, trying to sound nonchalant. sae nodded slowly, seeming to think about your observation. "yeah, I guess you're right. It's just... different," he admitted, his gaze shifting to the keychain in his hand. he beat you to saying something else before you could, “it’s like, they’re close to me, right under my fingertip and i want to know who.”
“yeah?” you smiled at him again, admiring his features once more. “hey, hypothetically, if the person was a guy, would you care?” you asked on a whim, “i guess...not really." he replied with a shrug. "why do you ask?" you shrugged nonchalantly, but secretly felt relieved. at least he wouldn't out right reject you. trying to keep your nerves at bay, you tried to justify yourself, "just curious, y'know? it's interesting to think about." sae nodded in agreement, but you could sense a hint of suspicion in his gaze. it made you wonder if he was starting to suspect something, if he was beginning to piece together the puzzle of his secret admirer.
you waved him goodbye as he walked into his house. tomorrow was the weekend, so you couldn't outright give him anything, but you'd still hint at it when he came over to your house to study. that night, you tossed and turned in bed, partly from the thought of confessing, but also how good he looked on the walk back to his house. you rolled around in bed, almost like a middle school girl in a shojo. it wasn't your best of times, but you refrain from the thought of him, and him piecing together the puzzle had you biting your bottom lip in nervousness and excitement.
when saturday came, you paced back and forth in your room, thinking of what to say and do when he came. you felt pretty damn tired, too from last night, barely got a wink of sleep. you mumbled 'don't screw this up' over and over again when you heard a knock at the door. "sae! you made it!" you said with a sigh of relief, at least he didn't ditch you to watch game footage or anything like that, "yeah, i did." you tried to go in for a hug but he quickly dismissed that.
after an hour or so of studying, you got bored so you decided to hint what you were doing for his birthday. “sae, your birthday’s coming up right? october 10th?” you tried to put in the conversation casually, “yeah, why?” he looked at you with some suspicion, "i'm just asking. but, i'm sure you'd love me for my gift" a small, yet cocky smirk crept onto your face, "don't you mean i'd love 'it'?" he expressed, some more suspicion in his tone, "oh no, i know what i meant, you're gonna love me." he sighed in defeat, he knew there was no point in pushing it further.
so, that's basically how it went for the next few days. him being stupidly oblivious, you trying to drop the hint even further. you got nowhere, on wednesday, the day before his birthday, you decided to give him a flower. not an overly big bouquet, you'd probably save that for the actual confession, instead, you opted for a single flower. it was a flower he'd seen before, and that you knew he liked. there was a vase with a single flower in your room, his eyes consistently focused on it. it was a light pink hydrangea, it was beautiful, so you understood why he stared at it often. maybe he'd understand then. you decided to take the one that was in your room, when he came over that day, maybe he'd ask why the vase was empty and get the god damn hint already,
as per usual, you went early, dropped the gift off, and went off. there wasn't any note this time, as you were kinda sick of writing them. plus, the big day was tomorrow, you'd save every pent up emotion for then. you waited for him in the courtyard, when you spotted him in the courtyard examining the flower you went up to greet him. "hey, sae! looks like you got a flower now, huh?" you wrapped an arm around his shoulder to break him out of his trance, "yeah. this is the same flower that's in your room, right?" at least he got the hint, you pretended to study it for a bit before replying, "hm, yeah, it is. funny ain't it? maybe they know you really well." you looked at sae to gauge his expression, he did a simple nod and kept his blank expression. you clenched your fists in frustration as sae brushed off your flirtatious comment, a knot forming in your stomach. whatever, he'd have another shot when he went to your house anyway.
you were right, because when he went to your room, he noticed the empty vase immediately. "the flower is missing." he pointed out, "gave it to someone real special" you looked at him as you said that, "it was a nice flower, you should've gave it to me...but i can't really complain if they're that special to you..." you were instictively drawn to the way sae's expression softened when he talked about the flower, a hint of vulnerability shining through his normally neutral face.
you stared at him in a 'are you serious?' look. well yeah, you did give it to him, and he was special, "sorry, was that rude?" sae took note of your expression, "oh no no, it's something else," you quickly went back to focusing, "let's just cram for midterms" you muttered, hoping to divert the conversation away from your failed attempt at dropping another hint. you couldn't help but feel a twinge of disappointment that sae didn't seem to catch on to your subtle gestures. but you pushed those feelings aside and focused on studying for midterms.
nothing special happened, just some plain ol' cramming. but, you failed to focus on it. all your thoughts went to the day tomorrow. the thought had you feeling all sorts of emotions. sae noticed your unusual quietness and said something on the matter, "is something wrong? you're being awfully quiet." you felt yourself tense up, "just nervous for midterms...don't wanna fail...haha..." you made a pathetic excuse of a lie, he narrowed his eyes a bit, trying to examine your actions before ultimately deciding to drop it. at a desperate attempt to change the subject you decided to point something out that you noticed, "hey, the bracelets you normally wear, you don't wear them anymore," you pointed out, "oh, i lost them. hadn't gotten the chance to get new ones." you kept that in mind, you'd probably get him a new bracelet for his birthday.
you could barely sleep that night, you stayed up thinking what'd you say, do, act. everything had to be perfect, it probably wouldn't end up that way, but you tried your best. a voice popped up in your head that made you not even want to confess in the first place. it said the same things that made you reluctant before, 'what if he didn't like me back? what if i ruined our friendship?' what if this and that. but what if he actually liked you back, and everything turned out even better than you hoped? every thought was about the next day, it made your head spin. after a bit of staying up, you realized being all tired and having eye backs wasn't cute and a good look for a confession, so you forced yourself to sleep.
on the morning of sae's birthday, you woke up with a flurry of emotions swirling inside you. today was the day you would finally reveal your feelings to him. you couldn't focus on anything else, not even the midterms the next day. every thought was consumed by sae and the confession that awaited. as the day progressed, you found it increasingly difficult to contain your excitement. you kept glancing at the clock, counting down the hours until you could see sae and tell him how you felt. It felt like time was moving at a snail's pace, each minute dragging on endlessly. you went to his locker and put in the last note, 'meet me at the rooftop at 7:30'. it was short and straight to the point, no cryptic messages or hints.
you stood at the rooftop, your back leaning on the railing. your palms felt sweaty and you could hear your heartbeat get louder. your mind was full of feelings you wanted to get out. you were looking up at the sky to get your mind off of everything. the scenery was beautiful, you were lost in it until you heard the sound of the door opening, and there you saw him. the man you've liked since forever. his face was a mix of a lot of emotions, it was hard to read, to be honest.
as sae stepped onto the rooftop, the setting sun casting a warm glow around him, your heart skipped a beat. you felt the breath get sucked out of your lungs, he looked stunning, more than usual, actually. "hey, sae," you began, your voice trembling slightly with nervousness but filled with anticipation. "i'm so glad you actually came." his eyes widened in surprise, his gaze flickering between you and the breathtaking view spread out before him. "it was you?" he breathed, his voice tinged with disbelief. you chuckled nervously, your fingers fidgeting with the delicate bracelet you had carefully chosen for him.
"surprise…? if it wasn't obvious enough…" you paused, your heart pounding in your chest as you took a step closer to him. "there's something I've been wanting to tell you," you confessed, your voice soft but determined. with trembling hands, you slipped the bracelet onto his wrist, the cool metal contrasting with the warmth of his skin. "i really like you, sae," you whispered, your gaze locked with his. "it's been this way for a while, but I never had the chance to say anything." you reached out, presenting him with the bouquet of pale pink hydrangeas, their soft petals illuminated by the fading light. "these are for you," you said softly, a shy smile playing on your lips.
taking in a deep breath, you continued, your voice filled with sincerity and vulnerability. "i've been dropping hints since the beginning of time and i was hoping you'd catch on, but i realized i had to take matters into my own hands. i needed to tell you how i felt eventually. sae's eyes softened as he listened to your heartfelt confession, his expression shifting from surprise to something warmer, something more tender. "i…i didn't realize," he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. "i never knew you felt this way." you took a step closer, your heart pounding in your ear with anticipation as you reached your hand out to gently cup his cheek.
"i've been waiting for this moment for so long..." you admitted, your voice barely audible over the soft rustle of the breeze, "to finally tell you how much you meant to me. so please, can i be your boyfriend?" you gazed directly into his eyes, waiting for the dreadful answer. as you waited for sae's response, the tension in the air seemed to thicken, every passing moment feeling like an eternity. sae's gaze softened as he took in your confession, his eyes reflecting a mixture of surprise, uncertainty, and something else you couldn't quite place. you held your breath, your heart pounding in your chest as you awaited his answer.
finally, after what felt like an eternity, sae's lips curled into a gentle smile, a warmth spreading across his features. "know that i know how you feel, i don't want to waste anymore time." your heart skipped a beat as you felt a surge of hope and anticipation wash over you. could it be…? "sae," you whispered, your voice barely audible over the gentle hum of the wind, "what do you mean?" a soft chuckle escaped sae's lips as he took a step closer to you, his eyes sparkling with newfound clarity and determination. "i mean… i want to be more than just friends," he confessed, his voice steady and sure. "i want to be with you, too."
you felt excited and shocked and every other emotion there was out there. you uttered a single word, "really?" your heart felt like it was about to explode out of joy. sae nodded, his smile widening as he leaned in closer, his forehead resting against yours. "really," he whispered, his breath warm against your skin. "i've been blind for so long, but now that i see… i don't want to let you go." you wanted to cry, that's what. "you're so stupid for not seeing this...i never want to let you go too..." your voice trembled, you sniffled while saying it too.
"i'm sorry. i really am." he admitted, and without another word sae closed the distance between you two. time stopped, it was as simple as that. everything went to a halt as you tried to process what happened. the kiss was sweet and simple, just as you two liked it. in that moment, surrounded by the soft glow of the setting sun and the gentle rustle of the breeze, everything else faded away, leaving only the two of you lost in the sweetness of the moment. you pulled away after what felt like ages.
"happy birthday sae," you said softly, your voice at a barely audible level. "you're right, i did love you for this gift. thanks for everything." he smiled, his face totally different from his usual unemotional look. "no problem and," you held your breath for the next words you were about to say, "i love you." you felt at peace, you finally said what you've always wanted to say, "i love you too."
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hype-blue-fixation · 3 days
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Okay, I saw your Neurodivergent Alastor post and Dadcifer post and thought, why not both?
Lucifer notices his little Buck’s odd behavior sometimes both through observation and from stories Charlie or the others would tell. It doesn’t take Lucifer long to realize that Alastor is on the autism spectrum (which he totally knows about).
Cue Lucifer being best dad while also still engaging in witty banter with his deer son.
I'm sorry the word DADCIFER made me lol fjjfdksks /pos
But I do love this idea! Since Lucifer is also neurodivergent, I'd imagine he'd be able to see through others' masks and encourage them to just be their true self.
So when Alastor (inevitably) becomes comfortable around the people in the hotel and shows more of these behaviours, Lucifer treats it like it's normal or even encourages it.
"Aww, you're so happy, aren't you~?"
"Is someone feeling giddy and kicky today?" (he would say something dumb like that)
And sometimes it leads to banter, but it's the good-intentioned kind. Like where they can poke fun at each other's behaviour and laugh about it at 2 AM.
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kiwikiwiandkiwi · 2 years
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— NEXT TO YOU
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skitskatdacat63 · 6 months
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Boy King Seb :D
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#thank you to Grace for the idea of making his chivarly collar red bull instead <33333#he was gonna have both collars but then making that one made me suffer so no not today#this was a lot of fun but also made me suffer. but i keep looking at it and being like AAAHHHHH BABY!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!!#can you believe i tried to do this in one night? i cant#i stopped and came back to it and was like 'no way you could do this in one sitting at 1 am'#this is kinda the ascended form of that very first sketch i made for this au! concentrated boy king sebby!!!#i say to myself i need to take a break from drawing complicated things but youll prob see a nando version of this in less than a week ;;;#okay about the drawing(i wrote good tags and then tumblr deleted them so these are a bit inferior AGH):#this is typical pouty seb but is also referenced off a specific pic from AD 2009(beloved)#its very important to me how emotionally open Seb is. im not sure the specific context of this. maybe after a triumph?#but instead of being that typical stoic serious detached kind of ruler; i like him being openly emotional(think AD 2010)#its important as well for his dichotomy with nando and how they choose to portray themselves#seb is very assured in himself and his rule vs. nando who is more insecure and bitter about his#so nando takes strides to portray himself in that more stoic calculating way bcs he feels like it helps him legitimize himself better#whereas seb has absolutely no care for outward public image and shows how he feels and is loved for it(nando hates it but loves it)#not that nando cant be fun and whimsical!! but to me he always seems a bit more mysterious; like i can never tell his true thoughts tbh#anyways i feel like ill finish 10 more drawings before i end up posting the lore pt 2 LMAO#its just a lot harder to organize and layout compared to part 1 which was just an explanation#pt2 would be a mix of more world building/characterization/anecdotes ive talked about with mutuals(LOVE YOU GUYS!!!)#i have a *lot* of ideas (gotta whip out my notes app every once in a while to write down stuff abt it) just hard to put into a coherent pos#sebastian vettel#f1#formula 1#f1 art#formula 1 art#f1 fanart#formula 1 fanart#catie.art.#boy.king!seb.#*ill prob make a process post later if anyone is curious!! its fun to write abt my process and influences and such
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miabrown007 · 1 year
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a minute of silence to my skills to estimate how long a project is ever going to take
#my google calendar and Carl bot (and my friends) have been kind enough to inform me today was the estimated posting date of heist au#suffice to say that is not happening#it would have been rad to make a habit out of the co-occurrence of starting a new job and starting to post a finished WIP but alas#that will not be happening for a while longer#I have no idea when will I find the time for writing between two jobs and the big bang but. we'll work something out.#but hey it's good to give your projects breathing space so your brain can do the work in the background and solve the problems for you#I'll probably need to go back and revamp the whole last chapter I've been working on#but I'm still too sick and jet lagged and sick to be thinking about that so I'll consume some more media in the meantime#and complain about how bad the fic I'm listening to is. like god it's supposed to be so romantic and cute and he's literally#depriving her bodily autonomy and her friends support him I want to leave a strongly worded comment so bad#I will not be doing that but god it's so awful I should have stopped listening to this fic long ago. so that's a lesson learned.#put the fucking fic down there's plenty of stuff that's going to be better#hot take I sure no one saw coming sometimes things that are popular are actually bad#anyway have some stream of fucking consciousness /ref to another fic I'm fighting hard to keep discontinued#I know I won't like it why is this so hard#heist au should have been posted today based on maths btw. maths I did wrong for the first time which means it should have been posted#a year ago really#not like I have the proper structure to do a heist au daily#but it would have been fun to post the first chapter on the exact day it takes place. idk just for flavour#does all this make any sense? hardly. this is a diary entry and my two braincells are firing random thoughts at each other#that's fine though. it's all fine. here have some popcorn to go with all this nonsense 🍿🍿🍿 <3#(and also all the drama in the new shadow and bone season. ugh it's so good I love Wesper SO. MUCH. or just Waylan. and Nikolai.#he's my blorbo assigned at first relevant information. relavant information: he's my friend's blorbo#but gods he's so my type it's scary. of course I'll have him as my blorbo. of course of course!#*puts him on a shelf next to Adrien Draco and Hunter*#*steps back to think before putting Waylan there too and sitting Zuko on the far end*#war crimes look so good on them :3#miaing#heist au
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floral-hex · 10 months
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I just want to get blasted, either out of my mind or into the sun, I’m not picky
#not me looking into the shitty guidelines for getting approved for medical marijuana in arkansas#yeeeaaaah looks like the process is ridiculously convoluted and pricey so nah#but missouri is just a few hours away so who knows#I hate weed for real. I mean it’s cool but I’ve had some bad experiences#but my anxiety is getting pretty rough and it would just be nice if I could turn my brains to mush every once in awhile#whenever my hearing gets bad I start freaking out and panicking and feeling sick. it suuuuuuucks.#anyway I have about 10 ‘emergency’ klonopin left which I don’t like taking bc I’m a hoarder and hate wasting stuff#like in video games when you stockpile potions but never use them#plus that shit can be addictive and I’m not a fan of that idea#tbh tho I diiiid take one earlier and I’ve been feeling preeeetty mellow#I ate two bowls of ice cream and I’m feeling good#I thought I had a drs appt coming soon to talk about anxiety meds but turns out it’s actually next month 🙄 so gonna reschedule that#anyway this was supposed to be a post about wanting to get blazed but I kinda whined all over these tags#whoops#uhhh…. how are you doing?#have you drank enough water today? for real#god I love ice water with a little lemon juice. I drink so much of that a day. it’s the best.#this isn’t important#if you read all of this then I love you#or at least like you. a little. a little bit. you’re good. I appreciate you.#ok I’m gonna go make coffee now#you can ignore this#text
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selenealwayscries · 2 years
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did you know Electra Heart turned 10 a few days ago
happy 10 years old to the album that ruined my life have my blorbo as your album cover
more doodles below you know the drill
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I've been brainrotting over this idea
this isnt a flex it's a cry for help
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tiredbiostudent · 2 years
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august!
#got a new tent and I’m in love😭#I’m going backpacking next week and I’m SO pumped even if it’s supposed to be thunderstorming the first two days 😩 lol#life update is that I’ve mostly just been trying to organize my life after being gone for work for like 3 months#and I’m practicing driving a lot bc my test is at the end of the month😭 it’s going better than I thought but still stressful#also going to college in the fall and still not sure how to feel about it LMAO#i think I’m just worried I’m not gonna make any friends the entire year and I’m gonna hate it and have the program be a waste of time#I’m sure it’ll be fine?🥴#and I’m STILL contemplating about doing a masters shdhdhdg#bc ok I loved the job I had this summer and would happily do contract field bio jobs for the rest of my life but unfortunately it’s not very#stable and doesn’t pay super well so at some point I’m going to need to get a more formal job which I might need an MSc for :/ we’ll see#the idea of research and /being/ a grad student is so appealing but then I think about the actual work I’d have to do and it’s like um my#i always feel like shit in august and am so yugh because it’s friggen hot and there’s nothing to do and I have definitely been feeling that#(also because I miss work and being up north)#but I just scrolled through my ‘insp’ instagram saved posts and Pinterest board and am acc feeling good today hshdhdgxhd#like you know when you’re just excited about life 🥰✨ hehe#omg sorry for this I guess I just needed to dump my thoughts out onto the ground for everyone#mine
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nygleskas · 1 year
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currently thinking abt parks 4x18 operation ann where leslie throws a valentines day party and has a speed dating section so she can set ann up. but instead of that its a speed dating section for me so They can set me up, since they think i'm single (i'm not). i have no problem w the party it's totally fine but i would Hate the speed dating/set up aspect. i hate it sm that i would purposefully act as boring or offputting so i don't have to deal w these guys HBSJCN. ok anyways. thinking abt tom calling jean to visit the party for me, which would then be a parallel to 4x6 end of the world where jean calls lucy to come to the end of the world party for tom (;---;) (also context: tom and lucy are together for a bit). thinking abt him coming over to my table and chatting w me and me having to act indifferent abt him being there. thinking abt me trying to act cool and not laugh or smile while being with him in case i accidentally tip ann or leslie off if they're watching (also tom but for him that would be a positive. Not so much a positive for my moms ahskdn), but jean being.. himself he purposefully tries to make me break. thinking abt the layers of having to act like normal friends in a romantic setting while secretly dating and the tension that brings. ough
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#.txt#i just .knskdnvmnskdnf#i thought of this like 6 hrs ago and it is still on my mind#THIS would be such a good fic. if only i could write HJSNNC#uhhhhhhhhhhhhh#lore tag#ok this is my daily 1 post for today. im going back to youtube.#ok avtually. its not Speed Dating its just a ton of guys who chat w ann. that leslie brought to set them up.#but the idea that its a actual speed dating is funny#like i have to talk to each date for like idk 4 minutes. and theres a timer that resets.#me and jean talk and the timer runs out and im like Welp! time to leave. and he just resets it so he can stay w me longer HBSKDNF#also the episode ends w april telling ann tom is the only guy who made her actually laugh/smile and ann leaves the party to go on a date#with tom while not telling leslie bc she woild flip.#for My Version idk how it would end..#me and jean leaving even separately would raise suspicion to both my moms And tom.#so im thinking like after the party when im home i just tell ann n leslie that im gonna hang out with a friend#which is perfectly plausible yknkw#however. i cant decide if leslie should figure out that me and jean are together or not.#bc on one hand that would be interesting but on the other i like us becoming public in s5 more#i cant decide#i honestly thought this ep took place in s5 which would be perfect bc. i just said we would become public somewhere in that season.#but ofc it doesnt ofc its in s4 hndkdng#anyways. us ~hanging out~ after the party but its a late dinner date at a restaurant ;--;#us exchanging gifts ... us being alone or somewhere where no one recognizes us and beingable to be affectionate.....*lies on ground*#<- he absolutely is like. a hopeless romantic. like he is the kind of guy to get someone bouquets of flowers but gets like Every color#bc he might not know that persons favorite. like he is obnoxiously affectionate (i call him obnoxious w love <3)#ok im shutting up i coukd go on but im choosing not to. im hitting my gay limit. i can only be gay on tumblr for a certain amount of time.#about to twirl my hair giggle kick my feet over thinking abt jean ughhhh *shoves my face into a pillow and screams*#THIS IS SOOOOO FUCKING LONG IM SORRLYKSNFLSJA i underestimate myself..#jean
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yeah yeah times new roman is the standard or whatever but have you ever considered that serif fonts suck and should be illegal wherever i am forever with no exceptions?
#sans all the way babeyyyyy#not sans undertale#sans serif#if i'm posting a lot of nonsense today it's bc i accidentally left my earbuds and therefore my concentration at home#so i'm just going to be v distractable today#bc music is the only thing keeping me on-task i have no idea how i did things w/o it for years#i cannot even draw w/o music :(#i will attempt to write this case summary but i have to read 20 pages in a SERIF FONT and then make my writing serif too#biggest betrayal to my essays is making them times new roman#at least i have one prof with common sense. she only accepts things in her specific formatting w calibri#and me and calibri can get along#we can be besties even#we can hold hands and gently kiss each other on the lips#we can get married and adopt many children including comic sans#he would be bullied relentlessly but we would only find him slightly ironic so it's okay#y'know i remembered today that one can take medication to solve their problems instead of just dealing w them#was reading about MDD for class and they were like these kinds of drugs can make you less depressed#and i was like. wow. you can do that? i thought you had to suffer through it??#thought that was just one of those things(tm) that we all went through and if you made it out alive then good for u#but apparently you can take meds and then stop it from happening altogether??#i knew this somewhere in my brain i think but one of my siblings got anti-depressants and they made them significantly worse#so ig i forgor that they could work#but i could never take them because i'm much more interesting as-is#do you think someone completely stable would have so much fun messing with people??#i will be a mad scientist. i was born to be one#when i get a doctorate it's over for all you weaboo shits
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purgeshubble · 1 year
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if anyone wants to send (fic) writing requests, now is the time to do it ! just like a character or ship with a vague vibe or idea is enough ! I’m doing a oneshot a day for as long as I can and would love some inspo :)
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thing3 · 2 years
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long post ahead el oh el
this specific phrase came to mind, don't know if it was my own or not but i don't think thats too important:
if god doesn't exist, then its up to us
to me this makes so much sense, and doesn't seem to be a completely lone idea of faith. its how i try to navigate things at least because the idea of not doing what i can to help someone or alleviate some small problem (even if only for a moment) is morally reprehensible; that its the most corrupting thing you can do to your own self to overlook or dismiss that y o u can do something for your fellow person. the notion that the best we can do is pass it off to a god or gods to fix, is so wrong to me? the platitude of "thoughts and prayers" is the best example of this.
i really believe that our humanity is linked to the fact that we have this empathy and care for others that isn't and shouldn't and can't be linked to things external- even if it is a higher power. we are like the gods and the gods are like us, but we aren't the same. i am a person and you are a person, and that inherent value and worthiness of personhood is what connects and sustains us beyond anything else the world puts onto us.
if god doesn't exist, then its up to us.
we have the ability and more importantly the duty to make the world better. whether its being good stewards of the land we live on, or building community, or choosing one single act of kindness each day. in small ways, in far reaching ways. without motivation of a return on our actions. if theres no reward, do it anyway. what's stopping us?
if there's no prize at the end, then there's no punishment. if the absense of a higher power means that nothing matters, then make it matter. if life is meaningless and unfair, then create your own meaning and make it fair. its fascinating to me how the moral atheist can really throw people and mess with their notion of faith, because from my perspective it makes sense. it makes sense that the professed faithless one is the one with the most moral drive. why? because its what they want to do- not because some book or proverb or leader says to. if anything, i feel reaffirmed in my beliefs because even if there is nothing and everything i think and experience on this path can be explained away, i've not lost anything.
another conundrum people try to toss out there is the "if no god, if no threat of eternal punishment or complete oblivion, whats stopping you from doing wrong?". the flipside is also true. if there's no god, no punishment, no "reward", just nothingness after, what's stopping you from doing good? it seems nonsensical to create this dichotomy of "only good and right if god/s" when we have proof to the contrary.
i'll leave one final thought because i think i've rambled enough- looking back at my life, before this path, and now during, i know that changing how i look at the world and how i look at divinity has filled me with such compassion for others. its lifted so much misery from my life, it literally feels a total transformation of self. for a long time i was told to be content in my misery, in my feelings of hopelessness, to put away my anger, to just accept the world as is because god wills it to be that way or thats just the plan that terrible things are happening. i walked the world and said "god i'm angry, i feel helpless what do i do?" and was met with "don't feel that way" and i kept walking until i said once again "god i'm angry and i feel helpless, what do i do?" and heard "be angry, i'll use it. you're allowed to feel that way, i'll show you how to use it".
if god doesn't exist, then its up to me.
#just in case i forgot its wednesday 😂 woke up with Thoughts today#for the record and to not clog up the post#i was christian for about a decade of my life which is Especially funny because now i can really pinpoint all the times and places#that odin was Right There all along. i knew of polytheism before christianity and i dont think its any accident.#maybe its a stretch to say but in all of that and perhaps in a way it was like a parent so carefully holding onto their child who wants#to look over the edge of a tall bridge just to see whats there. that i can look all i want but i was being held onto so tightly i wouldnt#fall into this completely. also for the record: i was Not Good at being a christian. i questioned i rebuked many parts of the doctrine#i refused to believe that no other faith could be true and that no other god existed#i hated how much of christianity seemed to be focused on fear and that being upset is wrong but also its okay things are bad if god says#i make the joke that christianity is a death-obsessed cult of misery but also i stand by that theres truth to it otherwise.#there's thousands of choices to be made in this world and any more i cannot fathom why anyone would choose fear and sadness and devastation#when you can choose joy and meaning and growth and prosperity Right Now#this is also one of the reasons i undersrand but push back against the idea that /all/ religion is a cult and bad for people#because there are plenty of examples that Arent that way and in my own life it isnt that its simply wrong to say otherwise#its a lifestyle and a tool as much as any idea is. this is in no way to say that no belief is without fault or flaw#but dont throw in Everything else becausw if one or parta of one#final sidebar on the Essay now in the tags because i couldnt connect this fully in to the post (whoops)#i think that any faith worth following should have the caveat that maybe this isnt all there is or maybe we will find that we were wrong#because theres no way to know until we find out. maybe im currently wrong! but ill find out (or i wont)
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master0fnon · 1 year
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i hate chemistry
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