I don’t know what is it about this past week man. This isn’t the first time but it’s definitely the most frequent. I have this overwhelming feeling of self hatred and feeling unwanted. Like I don’t deserve to have friends or have food or have fun. It’s just. I can’t talk to my friends even, I love them so much Tim and lusmos and Tanzania are among the best things that have happened to me and the best people I know period. They know more about me than anyone and I can no longer talk to them without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I keep asking Tim to tell me if I bother them but everytime I say it and they agree I feel like even saying that was bothering them and they do not say anything to be nice. I make outwardly rude, defensive and downright condescending remarks I talk and text weirdly I cannot feel good about anything I say to them I feel like I’m bothering them, invading their space and sometimes even straight up harrasing them. I don’t want to cause pain to my friebds I don’t want to make them sad. I hate how I am physically , mentally whatever other way there is like. This isn’t the first time; that one time when tanays friend compared my art w his and I got defensive and yelled at her like a toxic pos. Or when I got defensive and argued with Tim about something CS I don’t even remember what. I look ugly, I’m dumb, I can’t even talk to my friends who have done so much for me I dont know if I deserve any of this I fucking hate myself. I just. I wish it weren’t so hard to talk to people who are my FRIENDS and have been my friends for years. Why do I feel like I no longer know what they’re thinking, whether I’m being nice or crossing a boundary or not. I’m fucking stupid, this is why I turned down zann to meet today because I no longer know if I’m even a good person, if I can even talk to her or hang out with her without making it awkward and uncomfortable somehow. I think that when she asks to meet on the gc she’s really asking Katie and not me. Saying yes to either to hang out when the other isn’t going feels like I’m intruding somehow. I keep trying to “”redeem”” myself to Tim by consuming media he rec and reading things he’s sent me ages ago but I’ve failed at it so much that asking him for an honest opinion B/w two things still feels like I’m somehow kissing up to him bc I feel bad EVEN THOUGH IM NOT it was a genuine confusion and can I even blame him for being unwilling to im just. Everyone hates me and if they don’t have a reason to .

I just wanna be able to talk to my friends and be happy

Look at me oooh I’m so edgy I sound fucking stupid I’ll just delete this later

I had literal heartache writing this I’m fucking over this I can’t. I . Ugh. I’m crying or at least trying to quietly bc the fucking roommate is in the other side of room