for the redacted audio matchup :D

My current song fixation is probably "Eat Your Young" by Hozier, but I'm also loving "She Wants Me (To Be Loved)" by The Happy Fits and I'm constantly in an Arctic Monkey brain rot.

My enneagram is type 4w6 and I'm an INFJ-t

I don't really watch many Youtube Video Essays because I'm busy with school, but I have enjoyed watching videos on the difference between psychopaths and people who are pretending to be psychopaths.

My imaginary friend as a kid was an elephant because I had a stuffed animal of Horton and it kinda just morphed into an imaginary friend tbh.

I fall asleep really late and usually listen to some sort of Sleep Aid.

If I had to change my name it'd probably be a naturey name like Aspen or Oakley. I chose the name I go by because of a username I used to go by LMAO.

My favorite of Redacted's audio is probably Anton's newest video where he calls his long-distance partner. (My toxic self wants to say Blake's Valentines Audio too though)

Asher is a character that has little appeal to me. He's like not bad, but I'm just not the biggest fan of him. (also I really do not Caelum but in a romantic sense my answer is Asher)

The Last Of Us has become one of my biggest interests rn, the amount of edits I consume of that show/game is unhealthy. It was very good and Joel is the LOML <3

I honestly don't know who I'm platonically attracted to, but I do prefer platonic friend Lasko rather than romantic Lasko.

I honestly just ramble about my interests, like my favorite books and shows. It kinda just depends on the vibe.

My go-to gas station and drink combo is 'Airhead Extremes' and Lemonade.

My Liked Song playlist (my main genres are Rock and Indie) on Spotify or my playlist with every Arctic Monkey song :)

My guilty pleasure media is StudyGram. I am way too into making pretty notes and watching Instagram Reels about studying.

Anything Else: I'm a science and psychology nerd and I also really like Greek Mythology.

Ooooh, this one was interesting; I could have gone a few directions with it, but what convinced me was StudyGram and how I think you and Ollie could really enjoy that together.

Like, I know he wasn’t always as on top as his game, but the man Ollie is now is conscientious, thoughtful, and smart. There was something incredibly charming about the way he studiously took notes in his first audio, so I think he’d be taken with your love of beautiful, well-structured notes. Ollie’s so sweet about it too, buying you notes and scented pens and cute pencil pouches shaped like a carton of strawberry milk (my personal favorite kind of stationary).

Also, I don’t think we have, like, any real canon information Ollie is a video game boy. He’s more of a board game, but he still appreciates a good playable narrative. I can see y’all having a lovely lazy day of him watching you play The Last of Us, bringing you snacks, asking you questions about the clickers… the opposite of a golden retriever gamer boyfriend in a way.

Song:

I wanna eat pancakes for dinner/ I wanna get stuck in your head/ I wanna watch a T.V. show together/ And when we're under the weather we can watch it in bed

I love songs like this for Ollie and his partner. He is just the pinnacle of domestic sweetness and comfort, and this is just the song for that. It’s the soundtrack to shared bookshelves, trips to the grocery store together, Friday nights on the couch playing rock-paper-scissors to decide who gets to pick that night’s game~ Plus, it’s a confession-y type of song, and his confession is one of my favorite audios; it suits him 💌

Runner-Ups:

Something about Avior fits well with a Type Four. They’re characterized as the romantics of the Enneagram, emotional, creative, sensitive, and Avior is absolutely the kind of romantic to match that energy. Flyboi!Ivan, I like for you because he strikes me as an Arctic Monkeys guy.

Note: thank you for waiting! I had a couple of IRL writing assignments that fell by the wayside over the past month, and I had to catch up on those. I didn’t forget about any of these matchups, I promise 💖

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

Thurs 18 March ‘21

The Zayn/ Zach Sang interview is happening, for real this time (fingers crossed)! It’s scheduled for tomorrow!! Zach promises to ask lots of NIL questions. And I really believe it’ll happen this time, Zayn OUT THERE doing promo-- he did multiple radio spots yesterday and answered every question thrown his way however stupid, even throwing caution to the wind and taking on the one they’re all always trying to avoid (though not so far to the wind as to choose any of the other options each of which would be a scandal in a different way- you can take the boy out of the media training but...)- “I’ll tell you what,” he said, “Niall is my favorite. How about that? There you go. Niall makes the best music. Yeah I will say that he makes better music than me. Yeah, I’m a Niall fan." About the grammys he said, “It's nothing to do with my own personal gain because even if they nominated me at this stage, I wouldn't even go and accept the award because it doesn't mean anything to me.”

Zayn talked about how he just wanted to do a song with Ingrid, he didn’t know what, “I didn’t expect it to be anything less than great but it was better than that… it hit the nail on the head” and “the fact that it’s an important message in the song makes it better.” He also said that he listens to a lot of country music and would really like to collab with Chris Stapleton. OKAY! TBH I can hear how that makes sense- amazing, I am manifesting this, come on universe! He also said that he will have new music this year in an old school R&B style though and that he would like to do live shows after the pandemic!! If I didn’t think he was just saying things I would be LOSING MY MIND right now but omg WHAT IF?? He said Khai is an easy baby, a good sleeper and eater, that he likes singing to her, and that Gigi is a “wicked mom” and “a big help,” LMAO (RIP Zayn, strangled by his baby mama). RCA posted a couple more gorgeous new Zayn pics, and Ingrid raves about how Zayn’s fans are “the sweetest most supportive people” and she feels “like I’ve been hugged by a million stars today.” Am I to understand that it’s possible for stans to treat a woman working with their fave with kindness?? My mind is REELING!

Hopefully Harry has had enough time to process having achieved a great industry honor, because yesterday brought another- he was on Beyonce’s insta! She included a picture of the two of them talking backstage in her big grammys wrap up post (plus he’s visible behind her in a shot of her winning- say what you will about the orange jacket it’s great for visibility!) And Lil NasX, perfect as always, has something to say about Harry too- he says “stop using me as a bait against harry styles. I love harry, if y’all fw what I wear say it without mentioning him,” and posts a couple examples of the types of tweets he means such as “we have GOT to stop acting like Harry Styles is a male fashion icon when lil nas x is right there.” Stop pitting girls against each other2k21! Nas gets it, bless him. Oh yeah and an old pap video from DWD set of Harry going into Olivia’s trailer posted which I ignored because it was so completely uninteresting but apparently that’s a BIG DEAL to some people. My bad! You’re so right, the only reason someone would possibly go into a room with a coworker is obviously that they’re fucking! They probably had sex right there while the paps were outside! I mean there were a bunch of other people visibly in the trailer too but whatever. Oh and as long as we’re doing nonsense catch up- he was seen with a FEMALE in Malibu the other night omgggg they’re clearly dating. Oh but actually it might have been Mitch! LMAO, but that’s okay we can have discourse about how they’re obviously fucking anyway cause like… dinner! TOGETHER!! The scandal.

Anyway Louis has a message for us, can you guess what it is? Yes that’s right-- “Hope everyone's doing alright!!” No matter how many times he says it, I still love the hello, thanks love (even if it was an afterthought and he was actually there to follow a crypto currency trading account). A bunch of old videos of him were posted today, including one from 2019 where Louis says about acting in his music videos “I wasn’t acting it’s who I am hahahaha” (ahhhhh I miss that laugh) and he’s on the wall of a THIRD MUSEUM! Louis is Art pt lll-- A Doncaster history timeline at the local museum has a big entry for Doncaster’s finest export, labeled “Louis Tomlinson Achieves Super Stardom”! Earlier entries were his face (hung up high) in the National Portrait Gallery and the science museum employee who saw their chance and took it by crediting a mushroom joke to him, a deep Video Diaries reference in the year of 2019; whoever that unknown louie is I hope they are having a very nice day every day, what a hero.

And a photodump from Zayn’s favorite member of OT4! Labeled DUMP (charming thank you) Niall posts an assortment of selfies (that sunglasses one! Ashe agrees, commenting “photo number four thank you very much”) and aesthetic pics and one tiny snippet of a piano tune, and speaking of photodumps from favorites of Zayn’s, a BUNCH of outtakes from Liam’s Grinder Tetu photoshoot just got posted and if I were a gay man I’m pretty sure I would have just had a heart attack, view with care they should probably be PG13.

so last night was my date with L. and it was...bittersweet, i guess.

in the morning i got my hair braided. i’m still struggling with insomnia so i only got a few hours of sleep the night before and was dozing off in the chair. afterwards, i wanted to take a quick nap before driving to the train station because i didn’t wanna drive when i was so sleepy. before going to sleep, he texted saying that he didn’t feel like going to a jazz club and we should just do dinner. i woke up like 20 mins before i wanted to set out and i was irritated because i’d already packed my bag and had my dress and heels and everything ready to go. i quickly chose a backup outfit and tried it on, which made me late for the train. i literally got there as it was leaving and i wasn’t happy. 

fast forward, i get to my hotel with about 45 minutes to spare and i still have to shower and put on makeup. i did all of that and honestly looked really great, i’m somewhat confident in my makeup skills now lol. i was about 10 mins late and had every intention of being a bit bitchy but as soon as i saw him, i could feel my whole face lighting up. he’s been working out and was noticeably buffer than he was in January. he’d just gotten a haircut and he looked so good. the shirt i was wearing is pink and white striped and he joked about me wearing pajamas. 

the restaurant was cool and dark, just how i like it. i got myself a drink and we sat at our table and started talking. we talked about work, he asked me about school and i mentioned having a few breakdowns since i’d seen him in january. he asked me about mental health and we talked about that a little bit. we ordered our food (really good Peruvian food btw) and he said that i only ate half of my food last time so i need to eat this time. i was touched that he remembered and laughed my ass off because little does he know that i eat like a fucking horse haha. 

anyway our convo flowed easily, he told me about work and we talked about where we were when Trump was elected, etc. all night, we kept making eye contact that was really charged. the chemistry was just insane. then the convo took a more serious turn. we were talking about how hard med school is (his older sister is a doctor) and he starts telling me about how tough it can be working on wall street. and how his friend from college is a father and husband now and he lives in the suburbs. he goes “my friend has someone calling him Daddy and it’s so crazy to me”, in this wistful voice. he then goes on to say that he wonders if that kind of life would be possible for him one day and that the way his life is right now, that can’t happen. and i was a little perplexed because as far as i knew, he didn’t even want those things. i asked him if he’d be happy living that kind of life and he said he would. that living in the city and making all of this money seems awesome but he works so hard all the time. that he’d worked from 6am to 2am on thursday and was back to work at 6am on friday. and i was like ????

i said that we didn’t have to get together and he said that he wanted to see me and that if he hadn’t, he would have cancelled. but he’s been going through a lot lately and he’s using this weekend for some R&R. he then tells me about how he and his older sister have no student debt because they both had full rides. and while his parents aren’t well off, his younger sister attends an ivy league school that only gives full rides to students whose parents make below a certain cutoff and his parents are just above that cutoff. so he pays his younger sister’s tuition!!! he told me the amount and my jaw dropped. i was like bullshit and he took his phone to show me. i told him, it was okay and i believed him because i honestly didn’t want to see that. he said that he’s in a position to help and he doesn’t want his sister to have to worry about student loans but that’s only possible because of his job. so that life of living in the suburbs with a wife and kid can’t happen because he’s providing for his family. i was like O_O.

then he goes on to say that for those who want to “get their name known” in the field, they have to work overseas. for him that would mean hong kong or singapore. i was like UHH WHAT? i asked when they would be happening and he said that if he didn’t push back, maybe 2-3 years; if he did push back, maybe 5-7. the alternative would be moving to a different investment bank. my head was reeling tbh. 

he also told me about how there’s no one on his trading floor who’s below 30 and married. how his boss is 45 dating a 27 year old and has no friends his own age. how one of the senior guys wakes up every morning at 5am and has no issue staying until 1am so sometimes he sees his wife and kids 2-3 times per week. then he says that it’s not fair to ask a spouse to accept that type of lifestyle. 

so as he’s saying all of this stuff, he’s making this really intense eye contact and watching all of my mannerisms. i have a really expressive face so it’s easy to see when i’m upset. it seemed that he was trying to explain why we can’t have a relationship. i remember him saying “there’s just not enough time”. as he was talking, i was just looking at him and in those moments, i felt so connected to him. like i could easily fall in love with him. part of me is actually in love with him but i’m just trying to ignore that. he was sharing parts of himself with me and it just didn’t feel like enough. i wanted to know everything. i could feel him restraining himself and he did seem quite sad. as the night wrapped up, he apologized multiple times for not taking me anywhere else. he said that it’d been such a long week, he’s using this weekend for some R&R and after our dinner, he was gonna go home and read a book and call his family. he then asks me for my opinion on mental health again and what i do when things aren’t going well. i asked him what was going on and he kinda shied away from answering. i told him that i journal and i’ve been in therapy on and off since college. i didn’t feel the least bit shy sharing that with him and he took it well. 

SO. the check comes and he says we should split it. and i was like WHAT. even though my food cost more than his and i had 2 drinks, i’ve never split the check with him. and i was kinda flabbergasted that he even asked. he has the money above and beyond so it’s not about that, it’s about him wanting to reinforce the fact that we’re platonic friends and nothing more. i didn’t put up much of a fight but i told him that i was irate with him. he seemed remorseful and said he’d take care of the tip but i said it didn’t matter. i didn’t like the fact that he split the check but i think he wanted that reminder for himself that we’re just platonic. obviously, i was really not pleased with that. like..at all. 

we walked back outside in silence and before parting ways, he looked at me and repeated that it was really great to see me and he apologized again for being in a bad headspace. he almost whispered that he might go up to boston today to see his sister so idk if it’s her having the breakdown or what. as he was talking, he was so close to me and i wanted so badly to kiss him and wrap my arms around him. i wanted to tell him not to leave and just be with me. but i didn’t do anything of that. i told him that he could talk to me and he said he wasn’t comfortable with that but maybe one day. he gave me a hug and left. 

so. after talking to my best friend and thinking about it all last night and this morning/afternoon, i believe that L does like me as much as i like him. but his life is just not set up to have a partner right now. before we got brunch in january, i thought he didn’t like me or wasn’t attracted to me and that’s why he wanted to be platonic friends. but that’s not the case. last night he told me repeatedly that he liked my outfit. when he was apologizing for not taking me anywhere else, he was telling me about nearby bars i could go to and i was like wtf boy i’m not going out alone. and he looked at me and said that he knew for certain that guys would be buying me drinks all night. he stared at me all night..i know when a man is attracted to me and i know that i looked good. i showed him pictures of my parents and he remembered the picture i’d showed him almost 3 YEARS AGO of them on their anniversary standing in front of our house. so i don’t think he doesn’t give a shit about me. i’m skeptical and suspicious of men but i do believe he was telling me the truth.

even still, it does hurt. i like this amazing, intelligent, sexy, generous, hardworking guy and he actually likes me back and we have chemistry but we can’t be together for very valid reasons. because he’s right. i’m the type of chick who needs constant communication and consistency. and he just can’t give me that. part of me is still holding out hope, i won’t lie about that. on my way back from the city, i was literally surrounded by couples. and i just thought why can’t i have that? why does it always have to be a struggle? why the fuck can’t i just have what i want for once? 

idk the answer to those questions. and i still have to tackle my exams so i can’t exactly devote a lot of time to thinking about this. idk if i’ll even see him again because what would be the point? it’d be like dangling delicious food over a person who can’t eat. i’ve never felt longing this way.