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#this technically wasn't supposed to be for may the 4th but it is all i have to offer
star-losts · 2 years
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may the fourth be with you
this is obi-wan kenobi: a phenomenal pilot who doesn't like to fly. a devastating warrior who'd rather not fight. a negotiator without peer who frankly prefers to sit alone in a quiet cave and meditate.
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potteresque-ire · 2 years
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Meta on "propaganda reblogs". This post is Section 5.
1) Introduction: why I am, for once, waving my candy-washing soap 2) Anatomy of a propaganda reblog, Part 1: the midnight timestamp 3) Anatomy of a propaganda reblog, Part 2: the ultrashort response 4) Beyond the propaganda: the significance (and tragedy) of events remembered by these posts 5) Conclusion: The Li Jiaqi Paradox
(Below the cut — Section 5: Conclusion: The Li Jiaqi Paradox)
While I enjoy researching and writing up these metas, I understand they're probably depressing to read.
Thank you for sticking with them, with me, for so long.
Despite what it may seem, I, too, wish that fandom can be apolitical. I, too, wish that I can play with anything, everything I want.
But, my understanding has been ... a fandom of Chinese stars doesn't allow that.
Have you heard of The Li Jiaqi Paradox?
Li Jiaqi 李 佳琦 was a top Chinese influencer, a leading online salesman with a legendary record of selling RMB 1.7 billion worth of products during a 12-hour streaming section. His Weibo has over 30 million followers (for comparison: Gg: 31 million; Dd: 40 million).
His glorious days ended, nonetheless, on June 3rd, 2022. During a live stream session, he was to promote oreo cookies and ice cream cake. His aid entered the scene with a tank made of both:
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Those who're familiar with the 1989 June 4th Tiananmen Square Massacre may know why a tank was about the most politically sensitive object one can show on June 3rd. For those who're not familiar, here's a world-famous photo from June 4th:
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A photo from the famous footage of "Tank Man", the nickname given to a courageous Chinese man who, alone with nothing but grocery bags in his hands, attempted to stop the advance of a file of tanks into Beijing on June 5th, 1989. His identity and survival were never confirmed. This is among the most censored image on the Chinese internet.
Li's broadcast stopped abruptly after the tank appeared. The explanation given later was "technical issues". Li hasn't appeared in another broadcast again.
The irony of the situation is: born in 1992, Li wasn't supposed to know anything about the 1989 June 4th incident at all. The censorship on June 4th has remained among the strictest of that of all politically-sensitive issues in China. That Li didn't know about June 4th actually meant he had been a good citizen; that he hadn't scaled the Firewall, hadn't perused "anti-revolutionary" material, looked at things he shouldn't have looked at.
Li was a-political, in a way that should've pleased his government.
And yet, it's precisely this innocent, this state-pleasing apolitical-ness of his that led to his downfall, that led to his not knowing a tank was a political red line, especially on the evening of June 3rd. The Li Jiaqi Paradox 李佳琦悖論, whispered by sympathetic Chinese netizens, was about this unsolvable dilemma: to be apolitical in China, one has to be so political that they know of every single political red line to avoid.
This paradox may explain, in a nutshell, why I'm making Chinese politics a learning journey for myself, in parallel with my turtlish adventures. I believe my ability to maintain Gg's and Dd's a-politicalness as a turtle is, to a certain extent, dependent on my awareness of the political red lines in their world, of the unspoken rules surrounding their political engagement.
Such as, how they appropriately respond to the state media's propaganda posts.
My engagement in Chinese politics isn't about doing what the Chinese government wants. I'd be the first to say: Chinese censorship rules do not apply to i-fans. Even supertopic rules do not apply to i-fans.
It's just that, I feel a need to exercise a ... courtesy, I'd call it, if responsibility is too strong a word, to avoid placing any Chinese stars, regardless of my (dis)liking of them, on a political red line. They've taken great care to avoid these lines, as evidenced by the propaganda reblogs (and everything else they do, really). The least I can do is to respect, and reciprocate the care they've put into them.
Hong Kong's and Taiwan's democracy movements are China's political red lines. Same as almost anything about Japan (but especially, especially World War II), about the United States...
Lines that are probably more like ribbons after today. Wide, thick ribbons waiting for some poor Chinese to trip on.
This means, while I can make my political stance clear — and I have — I strive to not project it on any Chinese stars. No matter how much I wish they think in more similar ways as I do.
This means, I may roll my eyes hard at ... for example, the Chinese propaganda about the Hong Kong Handover; I may complain about it, vocally, but I never imply the stars participating in the propaganda had even a trace of unwillingness in performing it.
This means, I refrain from portraying the same stars as regarding any piece of propaganda — particularly those involving red line topics — as something serving more personal, and/or less patriotic, purposes.
As I confessed in Section 1, my wish for writing this meta is to appeal to fellow fans to consider doing the same, with the last point.
As turtles, we have a treasure trove of fun things, a Honeyduke-on-steroid's worth of candies. I think, we'll be okay without playing with a post about a World War. We'll be okay without playing with a post crafted with, possibly, more than a tinge of anxiety, given the rough political waters so many Chinese are navigating in right now.
When a mainland Chinese — any mainland Chinese — reblogs a propaganda post, I tell myself, they're making a statement of loyalty towards their government. Nothing less. Nothing more.
Then, I move on. Is it difficult to watch my favourite stars doing this, dancing perenially on a field of political landmines? Yes, of course. And it hurts too, I admit, to have to be reminded, like today, that the more I insist my views and the views of my favourite stars are at significant odds with each other, the safer, the better it probably is.
But I chose to be here, right?
So, no complaints. 😊
All right, that's way too much of me on the soapbox today (sorry). Let me jump off and finish this meta series by wrapping up Li Jiaqi's story. Because in it lies, perhaps, one more paradox, one more irony —
Li's fans, many of them young and equally innocent and state-pleasing, asked over the days after the ice-cream-oreo tank incident what had happened to their favourite influencer. Where has Jiaqi vanished off to? I've been waiting for him to recommend my next lipstick! Sell me the lipstick at the lowest price! The older fans hinted in all sorts of ways without tripping the censorship filter. They talked in emojis and numbers; they told the young to scale the Firewall; they referred to the resolution passed by the Chinese congress after the incident ...
In the end, Li and the ice-cream-oreo tank accomplished what the Chinese government has, for so long, tried so hard to prevent from happening, what it could still have prevented from happening if it had not cut Li's broadcast short, if it had just let an ice-cream tank have its minutes of limelight —
Li and the ice-cream-oreo tank successfully taught thousands of young Chinese what had happened on the night of June 4th, 1989, in Tiananmen Square.
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Nancy Pelosi (with two congressmen) paying respects to the victims of the June 4th Massacre in Tiananmen Square, 1991. It was an incident many Hong Kongers got to know her from, and remembered her for. Later, she helped create a pathway to U.S. citizenship for Chinese students fleeing political persecution, students who had participated in the political movement leading to the massacre.
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The "Propaganda Reblog" Meta Series: 
1) Introduction 2) The midnight timestamp 3) The ultrashort response 4) Beyond the propaganda 5) Conclusion: The Li Jiaqi Paradox < YOU'RE HERE
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kingbiwing · 2 years
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Hey! How ya been?
Hi @mr---moth, it's been a while!
I haven't really been active on this blog for a long time, but I've been meaning to come back, so I'm going to use your ask to like, rant and give some news! Good, bad, neutral, I don't really think it matters, I just miss telling everyone on here how I've been!
I genuinely have no idea of how to properly TW/CW all of this, so here are the topics that I will talk about:
Birthdays, fear of growing older (?)
Mental health issues/relapses, non-graphic mentions of suicidal thoughts, diagnosis, mention of having a shitty psychiatrist
Family, legal guardianship, court
The most recent one is: I'm sixteen now! Woohoo! It's been five days now, so I'm not exactly used to it yet, but it's been good so far. The week before my birthday was pretty stressful, notably because I wasn't really (at all) supposed to live this long.
For some reason, I always had it as my last limit. I'm pretty sure it was already set when I was maybe six, years before I had my first suicidal thoughts. I suspect it is somewhat related to how the media (and the people around me) always called sixteen the "perfect age to be" (and the fact that the term "sweet sixteen" existed too didn't help either). I mean, your high school years are the best of your life, right? /s. And sixteen is the middle. You enter at fourteen, leave at eighteen, it only makes sense.
Anyways. I was still up at midnight, on that day. Not surprising for anybody- many people stay up until then, especially on a birthday.
Funnily enough, my childhood friend Isaac (whom I've met merely a few days after I turned ten) sent me his message only a few seconds after it turned to 12! I honestly don't know how they did, because they said they didn't even notice how early he was.
It felt... I don't actually know how it felt, to be honest. It wasn't a shock, nor scary or sad, or any opposites. I don't think I even registered it. I was just mostly glad that he remembered, because we only reconnected in summer 2021 after about three years without any kind of communication.
I still don't "feel" sixteen, to tell the truth. I am aware that I am, I don't mess up on my age, I know it. It just doesn't feel real.
But, overall, it was a pretty nice day! Not the birthday in itself, but knowing that my closest friends remembered (whether they wished it to me or didn't, some avoided it because of how stressful it was to me, but I know they didn't forget about it) and getting gifts was pretty cool!
I got a total of four comics from my parents in law, including an integral. I don't think it'll surprise anybody to learn that all of them were about Nightwing! :)
And I got blankets, too! Two of them, a purple and a bright pink one. And a bathbomb.
And also something I didn't even know existed: a Bat-Signal lamp! Not only is the light bat-shaped, but the lamp in itself is designed to look like the Bat-Signal; that's so cool!!!
So, yeah, TL;DR: I turned sixteen, and it wasn't that bad. Plus, cool gifts!
Oh, and another thing! I've known I had ADHD for years now, and it's here! I'm finally officially diagnosed and medicated for it! Isn't that amazing??? (I mean, I technically got diagnosed with ADD, but that's only because my psychiatrist didn't believe me to be hyperactive because she "doesn't see it", despite my neuropsychiatrist saying that I had eight symptoms of hyperactivity out of nine. Whatever, I will keep on saying I have ADHD, I don't think anybody cares anyways.)
I will also be going to court on May 4th to be officially put under my parents in law's care. They technically won't be designed my legal guardians, but something called "trusted third party" (I don't know if that's a thing everywhere else, so I'm just translating it literally). Don't ask me what the difference is, I don't know! But yeah, that's nice. My mom's social workers will finally stop bugging her about where I am.
On a slightly more negative note, my mental health has been pretty random for the past few months. I've had mood swings for years, but it has somehow worsened. I've been lashing out about twice a day for quite a while now, and I can't control my emotions anymore now. I already didn't have a strong grasp on them (especially anger), but it's completely gone now. Yesterday, my fiancé told me he loved me, and I started crying out of sadness (despite how happy I am that he loves me!!). Everything I feel is extremely overwhelming, and my continuous relapses and recovery attempts in every single issue I've ever had are of no help.
I've also attempted to drop out of high school (I tried to go online for this school year and it didn't go well either), but due to a bunch of (mostly recent) stupid laws and issues, I can't, despite the fact that anyone in France is technically legally allowed to drop out after turning sixteen. As I mentioned, there are more things involved, so it's not a possibility for me anymore.
I honestly don't know what to do about it, considering how hard this whole situation is to me, but I'm managing. I think.
This post/answer probably doesn't make a lot of sense (especially with my tone, it took my an hour to write this so I don't think I succeeded in keeping the same tone the whole time), but I wanted to try and only include the most important events/changes/things, because so many things happened during this past year that it'd take me days to finish writing everything down!
However, do you know what hasn't changed?
I still don't know how to end a post... eh.
- Lys
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rockytamtam · 9 months
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autism be damned i have seen the lion musical again !!!!! : a lion king musical review
this was supposed to be the third silly review but in the end it's gonna be the first ^-^' anyway, this was the second time i went to the lion king (last time i went was on may 4th), this time i had restricted view front row tickets &&& u can read more about this under the cut !!!
jsyk these go everywhere and aren't just abt the show i do talk abt the sillies that happen before and after it :D warning this is like. very long. like insanely long. no part 2 we die like men
saw the show on : june 18th 2023, théâtre mogador
first things first that was my first time going alone in paris and all went well until i tried to find the theater and kept getting lost, i made it tho !! and in time!
the cast changed a little but i saw stanley kassa as simba again (understudy), simon gallant played ed this time (saw him as zazu last time and he was crazy proud of himself at stagedoor, as he should he was awesome), & a new nala actress (paola fareri), new timon (romain apelbaum), & other kid simba & nala
my seat was ! much closer to the stage than expected it felt like i was IN the stage, but it's still not bad at all even for a restricted view seat !!!
during the circle of life, this time, there were no technical difficulties with the elephant so i got to see it ! i thought it was going to hit me with its tusk lol, & i saw zazu run so i was so happy
cried again during the key change 💚
olivier (scar) does change his energy depending on which kid is on, it's pretty different from last time!
also it's VERY impressive seeing him act from so close
it wasn't until the lioness hunt that i realized that i just Could Not see the entire back of the stage and when actors were there i could just see the top of their head
anyway. the lioness hunt 💕💕 i just love the choreography
during i just can't wait to be king it felt like the lyrics changed? like they were singing the movie version? and i couldn't tell if it felt this way because they changed them since the 2007 french cast recording or because i just didn't remember properly
anyway i love zazu. zazu my beloved. i just love this bird.
hyenas time i love them theyre my favorite characters :DDD i actually picked this seat because it's on the side of the stage they go to during the other song >:]
first time seeing simon as ed and he's got a really cool energy !!! shenzi (mélina mariale) & banzai (abdel-rahym madi) killing it as always
actually got startled when mufasa (noah ndema) roared
(skipping they live in you bc i have nothing to say sorry!!)
BE PREPARED TIME. MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE SONG. olivier is wonderful, the hyenas are wonderful, this is starting so so well.
and then. before the breakdown, the hyenas start walking around on set, as they do ! they go right in front of my spot, AS I PLANNED! AND I AM SPOTTED (lime green hair helps!)
im having a main character moment wth. banzai is like "i love your hair color! he needs the same" while grabbing the puppet's hair, and im just "AA THANK YOU???!!" and shenzi and ed gave me a high five im just. that was a "and everybody clapped" moment but i was having a blast okok thank u
BANZAI WAS LOOKING AT ME WHILE SINGING FROM THE BONE STAIRS THINGS I WAS SO HAPPY???
the stampede made me sad, but i wasn't exactly looking at it bc i was curious about what was happening in the wings
there was this small child in the crowd who was crying LOUDLY and everytime everyone else would go"awwww :("
rafiki mourns is still one of the songs i find most beautiful, i especially love when the lionesses cry bc i think the tear effect is so cool
end of act 1 (sorry timon, sorry pumba. u guys are awesome too) !!
i could see more actors & dancers up close it was so cool i love looking at the costumes & makeup
kept making eye contact with the hyenas it was a little awkward ESPECIALLY when they werent the character u were supposed to focus on
second time seeing ntsepa as rafiki and she's still awesome. i love her sm :(((
THE LION HEAD IN HE LIVES IN YOU REPRISE. THATS IT THATS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
son oncle oscar? is still my fav thing idk if i put this in the right order but its whatevs
the same little kid yelled "SCAR!" during simba confronts scar
curtain call / finale moment !!! pumba (cyril romoli) was smiling at me but i didnt notice until the end (< - too busy looking at the hyenas)
this guy's about to go stage door alone (he's very faceblind and he's me!)
i dash i fly out the theater . im gonna see simon, mélina, and abdel. i repeat endlessly. and i'll try to see stanley and olivier again
this time there were more people than last time, but it was also night last time and now its sunday
i got to see mélina !! she was so so sweet and signed my notebook, i was too scared to ask for a pic
all goes well, UNTIL i start feeling rain on my arm and next thing u know it starts pouring
30 minutes in olivier breitman comes out of stage door holding the smallest carboard box over his head, he hides under the franprix with us and he signs my notebook too before running to another spot (he was so sweet i love him sm)
the rain stops after an hour, only dancers came out and . i suspect it was abdel but i cant besure bc this one girl told me he left when the rain started -, and i go back near the actual door
ten minutes pass still no one, but i still want to see simon or stanley; two dancers come out and are like "hey you can go inside if you want to hide from the rain"... WHAT. anyway i go inside stage door
i heard the girl who was waiting with complain that i got in, i dont know if i should move or not so i decide to stay near the door
stayed there for maybe 15 minutes and then this guy came to close the gate that led to the theater and i was like. yeah okay these guys are not coming out or already left
AND THEN I HAD TO WAIT ANOTHER HOUR FOR MY TRAIN TO START. anyway i got home at 10 thank u
THE END !!!!!!! im so sosrry i am Very talkative
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musicalmelody001 · 5 years
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So, like, back on that crutches thing nobody cared about...
It's been a while. It's the end of the 4th week, and those estimated 2-3 weeks to heal were a LIE. My foot still hurts pretty much on the same level as it did on the third day- a fuck ton better than the first, but still an issue walking. Granted, I only used the crutches for 6 days before I got tired of using my entire lunch break walking TO the bathroom. So, like. Still hurts. Except, oh yeah. Some fun stuff. Someone hit my car the second week, and I walked without my crutches to the nearest store (two city major intersections) in heavy-ass rain to get some ducttape to put back together the pieces of my bumper that I had JUST replaced out-of-pocket. I wasn't gonna buy a new fucking bumper less than a month after getting this one. Fuck that. Then, THIS WEEK. This week started off with a bang if that bang is a gun that shoots you in the face with bullets that explode into fireworks that spell "Fuck You".
Monday, I woke up super late and instead of arriving 30min early as I prefer, I showed up 6 minutes late. Which is TECHNICALLY a fireable offense. Later, my co-worker asked me to drive her to her friend's house after work. Her car was out of comission and would otherwise walk home - 13ish miles. So I drove her to the opposite edge of the city, the long way around because of course the gps is messing up. I finally get her to her friend's house, and turn on the gps to head home. It's about 40 minutes since we left work, but GPS says 22min to home with light traffic. Sounds good. Wanna eat some ice cream. Monday was expected to be -and WAS- the worst/bussiest/most aggrivating day of the quarter, possibly TWO quarters. All the fucking stars alligned for the day from hell for the whole department for eight solid hours.
Anywhoo, heading onto the only highway for miles -because we're inthe middle of nowhere and there's just green everywhere outside of that one main street a mile back that had a neighborhood and like three businesses, and about a mile or so down the road I notice a bunch of heat in the cabin. Coming from the air vents. And a slight smoke smell. While the ac/heater was completely off. I take the upcoming exit, and pull over in a church parkinglot that suddely shows up amongst the freaking endless trees. Turm off the car. Get outside. Pop the hood. A WALL of heat blasts me, and I feel it as I hover my hand over the engine. Okay, no big deal, I'll let it cool. But, I'm out of gas. Might have trouble getting home.
Remembering the oil leak from last month, I check the dipstick. Looks dry, might be out of oil too. I pull out my phone to google the nearest gas station. It just barely see the words "3.4 miles", then my phone fucking shuts off on me, and it's useless now. Close the hood, lock the car. I walk over to the church. Lights off, doors locked. Parking lot empty. I walk around the side and see a few cars. I walk to another door. Locked. Dark inside. But there's an intercom on the side. I assume the people there must be employees working on something durring the week, like at the church I used to go to as a kid. I push the button and offer a hesitant "Hello?" No response. Great. I turn around and take a few steps away from the door, try to get my phone to turn back on. Not responding. After a minute or two I hear a click behind me. A big, burly dark-skinned dude (for reference for my comparison, my family are all around 6ft and a nice medium tan, except me, 5'3" and whiter than printing paper) has the (completely clear glass) door open the tiniest little crack and just looks at me, "Can I help you?"
"My car broke down, is there a gas station near here?" I ask. He gestures down the road blocked by trees, "That way," and closes the door.
I stare out to the road for a bit. That was... So... Not what I was expecting. Or that helpful, really. So I head back to my car, grab the 1gal gas tank in my trunk, and inspect my windows after noticing the broken glass on the ground. Not from my car, but it still does not instill confidence. I pull out the pepper spray from my purse and have it casually resting in my hand, locked, the loop around my wrist. I take my flashlight from my glove box and put it in my purse, just in case. It's hot now, but I drape my cardigan across my sounder, and start heading down the road.
And down, and down. Down a steep hill, my ankle starts screaming as I loose sight of the church between the trees, and I keep going. I pass the higjeay, go underneath it and keep walking in the same direction. And keep walking. Pass a pair of 2ft wooden crosses sticking out of the grass on the side of the road, with fresh flowers, and a small child's toy next to one of them. I feel a sudden chill. I keep walking. Further, I cross a road and keep going, no cars, no buildings, but also no trees now. Just grass. I keep going. The hill gets steeper, I see what MIGHT be the corner of a gas station on the horison, on the second peak ahead. I l
Keep walking, and the hill reaches small flat section before sloping back up. More grass, but now more trees. I see the edge of a biking trail in the distance to my right. Assuming that means a freaking TOWN, I keep going. Up more. Some dilapidated houses that may or may not still be in residence. An empty box of diapers in the middle of the road, that I carefully approach, looking both ways down the empty road, and check for animals before moving it to the side and off the road, placing it by a cinderblock nearby so it doesn't blow back into the road and cause an accident, hopefully. I keep walking. I reach some train tracks and stand there for three minutes, completely confused as to WHAT THE FUCK these road markings are supposed to mean.
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The sun is setting and I can see the maybe-gas station not too far away, so I take a picture and keep walking. My ankle REALLY hurts. I finally make it to the gas station, the sun is lower, and I go inside. I pre-pay for a gallon of gas, and an item on the recipt I did not get. I ask and am told it is a fee for using a card, I don't believe him but don't care anymore. I want to go home. I'm told a pump. The pump does not dispense gas. I try again. No response. The screen says "see cashieer inside to pay". I head inside. I say it doesn't work. Clerk says it does. I confirm the number, and go back outside. I try it again. No dice. I hit the button a bit harder, pull the lever. Nothing. I roll my eyes again. Go back inside. Am told that I am not doing it right, that I need to press the button first. Go back outside, try three more times. Go back inside. Ignored. Go back outside, paranoid now that cars are starting to arrive that maybe it will suddenly work, and someone else will get the gas. I try again. Nope. I see someone walk up from behind me in my peripheral, and I think they try to ask me for change, but I ended up screaming frustratedly at the same exact time so they leave awkwardly.
I try AGAIN. Nope. No gas. Not flowing. I go back inside. The clerk is glaring like he never wants to see me again. I say it doesn't work. He says I already got the gas. "Bull shit! It hasn't done a fucking thing!" He goes outside with me to the pump, yelling at me, hits the side of the pump, and it starts working. What the fuck. Who gives a fuck, I'm so done. I get my gallon of overpriced gas, and start to walk away as I realize I forgot the oil. I'm not going back inside. I see a small convience-like store a block or two down. Walk to it. Am asked multiple times for change and/or cash. Repeately advise that I do not have any.
I get inside, and honest the food they're selling is probably SO sketchy but I'm starved. I skipped breakfast AND lunch, so at the moment it smells so good. I just want to get home and eat. But I only have a few dollars in my account, except for the money for my car payment that I'm expecting to go through any day now. I find some oil, more than I wanted to spend, and head back to the car. It's mega dark now. No stars. Just dark. There's a few street lights here by the stores, so I continue. Reply a few more times that I do not have cash to give.
I make it to the sidewalk where majority of my journey resided, and continue down the street. I put on my cardigan. Now I'm going uphill, and my ankle is asking how I want to die, because it's screaming. I don't know how long it's been. But it's dark and it's SURELY not 6pm amymore. When I reach the intersection back in the place with no trees, a car I had seen doing past me earlier had turned around, and pulled over. No cross-traffic. Sitting at a stop sign in my path. Inside the extra-long sleves of my cardigan, I palm my pepper-spray, and leave my thumb resting lightly on the safety lock. I stop about six or seven feet away from the stop-sign, hesitating. The passenger window rolls down a bit, but I can't see who's inside. "You need a ride?"
I hope that the person is well-meaning, and decline, saying I'm almost to my car. He asks if I'm sure, and after two more refusals he drives off. I continue.
A bit further, another car comes. They're heading the same way, but on the empty road they slow down, rolling down a window to shot accross the three uninhabited lanes, and ask if I need a ride. I decline once again, wishing that I didn't have to walk anymore but also paranoid once the sun sets, and continue walking. A bit later they slow down again, suggesting I get inside. I say I'm fine. I walk further to see they'd driven foreward then turned around, this time having opened the side door. I avoid eye-contact and walk a bit faster. I don't see them again. I pass the crosses and feel a shiver down my spine as my eyes tear up. I hurriedly walk away and the feeling passes.
I reach the highway and my eyesight is blurring. I'm exhausted and my balance is off, repeatedly stopping to steady myself to keep from falling onto the grass or into the road. I reach the last peak, and the lights stop. I'm walking on the sidewalk on the left side of the road now, and grab my flashlight, illuminating the way in front of me mostly to be visible to oncoming traffic as I cross an unmarked intersection.
Finally. In the distance. The church. The parking lot. My car that I left unattended for hours, most likely. I approach, checking again for broken windows and find none. The wind is strong and almost knocking me over. I unlock the car and put my things inside, sans the pepper spray, flashlight, and gas. Closing the door, pop my gas flap and begin the slow process of figuring out how the fuck to put the gas in my car with five pieces of plastic that combine to make a nozzle, and no instructions. Eventually the can is empty, and I put it back in the trunk. Now the oil. Grab the oil from inside, loop the pepper spray around my wrist, and turn on the flashlight to pop the hood. There's STILL residual heat coming from the engine. I put the hood all the way up and open the screw-top thing for the oil. No funnel, just gotta pour carefully. Empty the whole quart, hope it's enough to get home safe. Sudden gust of wind, the hood falls on me. Pissed off, I open it back up and curse, putting the screw-top thing back in place. Close the empty bottle of oil and throw it in the cab. I'm so done. Get back in my car. Almost out of gas. Drive down to the shitty gas station and get more gas, after an unpleasant encounter with the clerk. Hope that three gallons is enough to get home because now I'm, like, a dollar short for that car payment. Vaugely hoping that it'll wait until midnight when I get paid. Get back on the highway, phone plugged in and gps open. A few miles down, the cab is hot again. Ac/heat still off. Obviously it wasn't just the oil. I crack the windows to get rid of the heat and smoke smell. Stop at an autozone, they're about to close. I get some engine coolant that my car says it's out of. REALLY short for that car payment now. Sit outside as the nice autozone worker looks at my car and shows me where to put the coolant, and instructs me to wait AT LEAST an hour and a half after turning off the car before adding it. Tells me that it might not be what is causing the heat and smoke smell, though, just help with the overheating engine. I sit on the curb looking at my car with the hood up as the nice autozone people (who know me -and my car year make & model- by sight when I walk in the store these days. Honestly, after the sixth trip in Febuary, I got a rewards card because why the fuck not) close up for the night around me. One on them comes up to me and asks if I'm waiting to add the coolant. I honestly reply that I'm just debating drinking the coolant instead. I feel bad when he looks a bit upset. He's always so nice. I get up, decide I might as well go home and add the coolant in the morning. Head home following the gps. Drive for fifteen minutes before I notice I'm passing the SAME AUTOZONE and heading the opposite direction this time. Am pissed and woreed about gas. Finally get home, leave my shit in the car, and head inside. Check my phone. It's fucking 11. I'm so fucking done. My ankle fucking hurts. My car's still fucked up and I'm still broke. I check my bank account and see the car payment hasn't gone through yet. Hopefully it'll wait until tomorrow when I get paid. Force myself to eat a few bites of food becore going to bed.
In the morning I wake up early. Check my account, and sometime between when I got home and when I got paid, my car payment bounced. $25 return fee. Fml. Almost get into a wreck. Car's still blowing hot air with a hint of smoke. I'm late for work somehow. Life sucks. I tell my coworker I don't want to drive her there again. She gets pissed. My ankle throbs. This is my week.
So, like. Hope this was entertaining? Idk. Half wanted to vent, half wanting to see if anyone else knows WHAT THE FUCK those street markings are supposed to mean. They're too uniform to not be deliberate!
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