Another day, another korean study session 🌱

The Silt Verses my absolute beloved: I'm relistening and was so excited to get back to Chapter 17, and the way that most of the episode just sweeps over you with an unexpected degree of kindness. Important to be reminded that kindness — or something like it — is possible, even in this brutal world.

amygdalae.tumblr.com/archive/tagged/aesthetic ....... btw. :^)

Just put me in the car, and drive so far

It'll be all right

It'll be all that I have ever asked of you

have been reading fic & thinking abt my relationship to fic, which is of course also among other things a mirror of my relationship to my own psyche, and like—i think all the discourse abt its being ~internalized misogyny~ to mostly/entirely read m/m is not ultimately, whatever the truth of it, all that helpful, either to readers or to Women! but of course that doesn't stop me from feeling weird guilt abt the fact that i don't read more f/f than i do, because if there's anything i love to do, it's feel unhelpfully bad abt myself on the slimmest of pretexts…

however! i did end up reading some f/f earlier, specifically transfem f/f, and it got me thinking—basically what i'm usually mostly reading fic for is the romance/sex, right? like, don't get me wrong, i love when a fic gives me a gorgeous double helix of, like, casefic and romance twisted together, that's ideal, but fundamentally most of the time the feeling up is what i sat down at the table to eat. so in a complex aegosexual way it's a fantasy i'm—not projecting onto, exactly, i don't want to be one of the people in it; but, like, lurking in the wings of with eyes big love-crumbs, to steal a phrase from a relevantly-named poet. :) and so it's no wonder that mostly i don't want to read cisfemme4cisfemme stuff, because that's not a dynamic that feels like it has any room for me, or even like i'm particularly welcome in the room. but like. if it's trans women? i'm there, i love that for them and for me. if there's a butch? i might get tripped up by our differing lenses on gender feelings and stub my toe a little but even so i'm probably here for it. (thinking here abt that one butch/femme geraskier ~cisswap which is, like, a gorgeous bruise i keep periodically pressing. <3)

so really it's just like. shocker: i'm not personally moved by fantasies abt romance which feature conventionally feminine cis women whom i don't personally find relatable or sexually desirable! and when i put it like that, it really instantly dissolves the weird useless discourse-induced guiltgunk. like. give me a woman who's, idk, tall and charismatic and strong and clever and talented at something (though honestly it's like that siken revised tweet, a lot of those characteristics are ultimately negotiable!), like women i've historically crushed on irl, and then give me a pairing for her that's like. another woman who's also enough of those things, or a man who's—honestly the kind of m/f i'm open to would be its own whole post bc holy shit am i fussy, it very much does exist but for now let's just stick a pin in that one—or somebody nonbinary, which… idk that i've ever actually seen nb/f in fic? i'm sure it exists! but i'm not sure it exists in any fandoms i've been into. pondering the question did get me really thirsty for a good 'farmgirl (of the luke skywalker variety) is absolutely stunned-and-ringing-like-a-struck-bell captivated by confident flamboyantly genderqueer love interest (example wanted)' dynamic, though…

looking at liminal spaces makes me want to go mmmmmm as deep as i can

just

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I know it’s annoying to be that person, but ten days is way too long to be away from this sweet face.

Tiktok FINALLY had a benefit to my life

if i don’t get a relieved chenford hug next week.....

where I'm at emotionally is. falling asleep to playthrus of the dead space remake.

Sending hugs to all the lovely people who were a part of my Tumblr life this year. Your art, words, and thoughts have soothed, agitated, provoked, gratified, charmed, and inspired me. And brought me so much joy. 🤗🤗🤗

Thank you mutuals for being in the trenches with me. Thank you to all the people in the same fandoms for the interesting conversations. And thank you random strangers who articulated things i never thought but instantly recognized. 🙏🙏🙏

May your holidays be chill and your reality pass the vibe check 😅😘☺

I honestly highly recommend the Sandman Dreamcast, it is very soothing and wonderful to fall asleep to, but also I have never heard a single thing Desire says because I am always already asleep 😭

So fun fact, I’ve been doing not so great mentally lately and in a desperate attempt to keep the lurking depression at bay I thought hey, maybe starting a new game might help. And it did! It sucked me in so fast and I’ve been clinging to it as a shield against the anxiety and looming breakdowns. 

Which is how I’ve ended up with a ridiculous 19 days in a row streak and 129 hours on record in just a month 😂 Anyway, game good, much recommend ;)

does anyone else like, misgender themselves because i do and i find it so embarrassing and it makes me feel both ashamed AND that i’m Faking™️ somehow

Woe that video editing is a thing even i cant do at work. I will simply have to craft these clips in my head...