Psssssst cmere, hUSH QuiEtLY!!! Gotta tell u sumn a lil secret

You got a secret admirer

-secret admirer

You know when little kids (or sometimes big kids too) whisper “hey, come here, I have a secret” and then when you lean in, they scream in your ear? Thats the feeling I’m getting. 😂 but i’ll huuuuush, because this is very sweet and so cute.

I present to you a picture of the sunset from when I was driving to camp the other week.

Sending all my love and hugs 💕

364 out of 365 [2019]

Page 364 out of 365

2019

A year when I entered early adulthood, where Jean Piaget believed that an individual in this stage experiences either intimacy or isolation. And that theory of his, I acknowledge. I did whether I’d like to admit or not, crave for intimacy despite I may have had fear of intimacy. Indication of emotional Intimacy is being able to show vulnerability, open up to someone, let my guard down and being emotionally involved with people.

Me in the past could not do that or very skeptical to do it - but starting this year, I started to be as open as I could. Not just with my partner, but some of my friends and some of my family. I think I first did that to my little sister, I am not sure whether it was this year, or last year, but I remember just us driving around while I shared how I really feel and think to her and she did the same.

Eventually this year, I met someone. Someone who pushed me to be more open as I could, not just to him, to anyone I am willing to. And it led to me being open to my friends where I told them my struggles and all.

I have learnt a lot throughout this year, from internal to external.

I used to or still am anxious, or nervous, whenever I’m surrounded by housemates especially when it comes to cooking. Which led me to always buying food from outside - but this year, I have started to cook for myself despite of my little knowledge of cooking but I still try to do it and the anxiety/nervous has lessened. Poland trip definitely really helped me a lot.

By the way, self, here’s what you’ve done in 2019 that you can be proud of:

1 - You had a Muay Thai training. Even though it was just only for few times, due to time constraint and complications of the coach. 2 - You are not afraid of cats anymore! I guess thanks to Mia, you have overcome your fear of cats. And now you are able to pet and carry cats around!!! 3 - Did social work which was actually for Coco, but boy, it was a very meaningful experience for you. It was Rumah Amal where you were surrounded with kids, and that made you happy because you like kids!! 4 - Attended an international big forum with Niah!! 5- Went to Terengganu with babah mama, where you were relied on for most part! 6 - Liha started studying in Sunway! 7- Volunteered with Umn & Faai for the Kindergarten School. 8 - Umn let me drive her car, which she rarely let anyone do that. Only her boyfriend. Family. and ME!! 9 - Hang out with family more! had lots of gathering! 10 - Went to Kelantan for cousin’s marriage and aunties/uncles look up to me. And I was for once feel my presence was appreciated. 11 -  Attended Yasmin Mogahed’s forum. 12 - I fell in love!!! 13 - Reunion with Jambus where we had seafood dinner together and hung out till late night. 14 - Had many sleepover with them!! 15 - Hung out with Fateh, Faten, Zaf and Aqilah. Oh yeah, managed to surprise Qilah for her birthday! 16 - Participated in outdoor events; Befrienders Training & Anxiety Depression. (I got to meet new people and interact with them) 17- Did fundraising for coco! 18- Went to Gdansk all by myself! (Took a risk) 19 - Delivered a satisfying presentation for defensive presentation for qualitative (which was really nervewrecking but had received positive feedbacks) 20- Got to know more about myself in a romantic relationship! 21- achieved 4.0 for both semesters

What I realized: - there are actually people out there who look up to me, unknowingly why. Umn, izzati, nai, my parents (sometimes), some of my classmates. say and fai. - not everyone is able to do things the way I do - whats easy / doable for me is a very hard thing to do for some people - not everyone shares the same values/thoughts with you (not everyone has the same heart) - i am loved - i have so many privileges and i hope ive been utilizing it right - my worth - that my presence and existence matter to some people -

you have been through a lot, self. You deserve everything good in this life. You have you.

Letter to myself: even though people can be very dissapointing, you dont have to. You’ve got yourself and that’s all you need.

p/s - Ive been meaning to post it, but procrastination got me.