Tumgik
#this is my experience but im guessing its similar for other avoidants
avpdpossum · 2 years
Text
the AVPD criteria: “unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked”
what people think: so you just don’t want to talk to people who don’t like you? that’s normal, no one likes trying to be friends with someone and finding out they don’t like you, why would that be a symptom of anything?
what it actually feels like: i am Not Allowed To Speak Unless Spoken To. if i try to join this interaction before someone directly invites me into it, i will break some unspoken rule and they will hate me and i will be punished for it and it will ruin everything. i can’t say anything or do anything until someone tells me i’m allowed to, even if it means i lose this chance at connection that i want so desperately. if i make my existence known right now it will be directly threatening to my safety somehow so my brain has entered freeze mode about it. now i literally have no choice but to sit silently and pray that someone cares enough to invite me in, which i know they won’t because they think i just don’t want to interact with them and i am incapable of speaking up to prove them wrong
2K notes · View notes
transbee · 6 months
Text
having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.
#HEADS UP: this accidentally turned into a huge rant/vent feel free to get the hell out el oh el#i try reallly hard not to talk about it too much here because you can. offhandedly mention the mere concept of did or osdd or any#dissociative disorder and its like. people will not shut up about how its not real or how its people being delusional or kids being cringe#like. can we go. two seconds without treating people with mental disorders like a spectacle. please. you dont have to have a ''take'' on it#idk and i also avoid online did communities bc theyre the most exhausting spaces you can ever be in and theres constant fighting about#literally anything and everything. like. maybe i would like to find a space to meet other people with similar experiences to my own.#and we dont get that!! we literally cannot get that. and this goes for a lot of mental health related stuff but like my god#and im very lucky to have other people i know in real life who also have did so i can in some amount have that support system (hah.)#but it is EXHAUSTINGG that people cannot go literally a day without saying something stupid about systems#or i can be following someone for years and unprompted they will saysomething heinous thing about did and hide it behind something like#get a load of how weird and cringey kids are getting online these days.#and CHRISTT thats a whole OTHER issue i REALLY dont wanna talk about because it has its own whole set of nuances but like jeeeesus#is it really so hard for people to grasp that brains when exposed to traumas at a young age will be affected by it in weird ways.#idk man ive been seeing a lot of offhanded disregard for systems recently and it's so normalized and it's starting to get to me i guess#i wish people could just go well this is something i dont understand and dont need to have an opinion on and move on with their lives.#what the hell ever this is all to say having did has impacted my life in a lot of complicated and intricate and hard to explain ways and it#sometimes painful and awful but other times is an incredible experience and ALSO. most IMPORTANTLY !#i should be able to make jokes about BEING FRIENDS with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!! in REAL LIFE!!!#and not have to deal with SUICIDE BAIT IN MY INBOXX BECAUSE OF IT!!!#WHATEVERRR !!! RANT OVARRR I HAVE NOODLES TO MAKE AND EAT#.... WITH my friend SHADOW!!!#.txt#and btw this isnt about anyone ik here so dont worry im not upset with any mutuals etc etc and all that.#in fact i love getting the chance to chat about it n it can be fun to teach stuff to people who know how to like...be normal about it LOL#<3
4 notes · View notes
Note
“ people on here r rly like 'attraction to big people is fetishistic, attraction to small people is pedophilic, having sexual thoughts about a real person is objectifying and basically harassment (and having them about fictional people is perverted), kinky sex is immoral, if youre open about your sex life in any way youre a pervert, if youre not open about them you are queerbaiting. basically you should be completely sexless while everything you do is sexualized and up for debate/speculation. this is good for the Igbt community' ”. Saw this post and it reminded me of the somewhat cold take you made the other day about bdsm being rooted in colonialism and militarism… Obviously not everything written in this post but yeah. Did you delete it bc you changed ur mind or? Just curious. Do you think something is “amoral” and should be avoided if its roots are colonial? What about reclamation by oppressed groups? Like historical queer subcultures? Leather daddies etc.
didnt change my mind, i deleted it bc in the comments i was talking about my own personal experiences and tbh i dont feel comfortable having it up publicly. i didnt say people are immoral for their preferences, that would be ignorant of how human sexuality actually functions. tbh i didnt say anything similar to the quoted post you sent me, just pointed out a historical reality. as i said in the post i dont pass judgement or think anyone is problematic for shit, or think they should try to avoid it, because i think its out of peoples control for the most part. even though of course sadism and masochism have been present in human society for centuries so much of it coalesced during specific periods of western history. i think its just stupid to brush past that and see sexual practices as just ahistorical things with no deeper psychic significance. a lot of practices that are part of bdsm now or have influenced themes, cultural icons, etc in bdsm shit today are connected to western culture, and, in non western cases to empires and imperial culture. the namesake of sadism was a french enlightenment writer and the namesake of masochism was an austrian romanticist writer. both of their writing is indicative of the historical context and people have written a lot about the philosophical influence theyve had. back to the colonial thing… what i was more specifically talking about was significance of military academies, colonial troops, and boarding schools- highly stratified social relations with specific relations to violence and control- in influencing the experiences of early s&m writers or artists, and their continued impact on aesthetics and themes of culture today. and also the popularity of sadomasochistic literature in europe during the 1800s, a period of time of heightening of imperial relations and colonial expansion. is it not interesting to you that the majority of older material concerning bdsm originated in france, germany, britain, and austria. still some of the main exporters today probably. can you really say theres no cultural drive sustaining that. so yeah its kind of cringe to me when people are like “bdsm is all about making someone feel loved uwu” like its actually so corny. maybe its just an cultural outgrowth of a psychic phenomenon thats been exacerbated by class society and western obsession with discipline violence control and subjugation. sadomasochism as a psychic phenomenon includes a lot of psychological and sexual behavior and bdsm i guess is one part of it, but cant be separated from the rest of its manifestations. this phenomenon as whole seems to me at least to be obviously a historical product, and a product of childhood experiences and one’s earliest human relations, also characterized by power relations and in the west, western culture ofc. im coming to this from a psychoanalytic perspective so tbh “reclamation by oppressed groups” doesnt really even fit into this. i dont care what people do and thats cool if it works for them. i dont get it though. im sure there are plenty of people for whom its just a fun thing and they compartmentalize whatever but thats not the reality for many other people. if you want to talk to me about this more message off anon because i have a lot of opinions but it honestly is a personal topic and i dont want share details about my life publicly to justify why i think all of this
86 notes · View notes
skaldish · 1 year
Note
hey i cant remember your DID blog, im sorry, idm if you answer over there if you tag me.
to start with, i have professionally diagnosed DID and have been dx'd 3 separate times, and i have something i guess i want validation for?
since i was itty bitty i was reading greek mythology, like children's versions (i could read very early - "gifted" kid) at 3-5 and it has always very much been a huge running theme in my life, well i have a lot of religious greek alters.
it makes sense that.. reading about these figures, watching movies like disneys Hercules and stuff especially while experiencing consistent trauma that i would develop these alters with my brain viewing them as powerful and comforting?
and as an adult i have developed a bit of spirituality with them, a deeply, deeply personal relationship and devotion to deific alters formed to protect and care for me
i recently had a whole issue with a friend who told me my perception of the gods were "wrong" and that they could communicate with them for me. that the gods could only visit one person at a time. and it fucked me up so bad even though i knew they were wrong. they traumatized my whole system
because the things i communicate with aren't just the gods, they dont even claim to be the real gods nor speak for them, just "real to the andromeda system". no one can communicate with my version of them because they are *alters* and my perception is based in trauma and my needs at the time of formation
i feel fakey and i generally avoid even mentioning the religious alters to therapists because i dont want to come across as attention seeking. my experience is valid right?
in terms of clarsenses.. maybe thats a part of it too? idk but these guys are inherently different from say. the spirit of the trees. idk its complicated, they can front and care for me and have a place in my headspace. i notice i get some gifts like i asked hermes to help us get the car we wanted since ours is breaking, and we're getting an even better version. i dont understand fully, i just know my experience is different and deeply personal and relevant to my trauma and DID.
last thing; i do have other alters unrelated to the greek pantheon that interact with them in the headspace. ones that are more "normal" i guess like child alters and trauma holders/persecuters and regular protectors (many of the greek ones are protecters/caregivers/managers. a small few hold trauma - like Hera holds the trauma i witnessed my mom go thru and she is a caregiver. some front. some are internal.) i guess im seeking an explanation from someone in a similar position? in terms of being spiritual with a dissociative disorder. especially considering i do feel like i receive gifts from them in the real world im just confused about myself and experiences which feel incredibly complex. it feels like my experiences go hand in hand with each other!
I'll say what I always say in these situations:
It's not a question of "valid" or "invalid," it's a question of what something is. Our feelings are always valid, but that has nothing to do with whether we're accurately interpreting them or not. Discernment is what's important, and as frustrating as it is, no one can really do that work other than you.
I can't even offer much in the way of perspective, to be honest. Despite the fact you and I are in similar positions, my experiences with dissociation and clairsenses are totally different. None of my alters take the form of deities, for one thing, but I've also never had trouble differentiating my alters from deities.
My advice would be to just give it time. Spiritual exploration is full of heavy lifting, and it's something we just work our way through over the course of time.
(Also my brain blog is @prefrontal-bastard, if you ever have questions in the future.)
24 notes · View notes
entropy-sea-system · 2 months
Note
I know your aplatonic, and I just wanted to check something. I'm decently active within the aro community myself, and I like seeing your content/commentary. when I notice we share space (ex: on reblog comments of posts), I find that I like seeing what you have to say, and I even look forward to it. I don't have any personal desire to befriend you for obvious and not so obvious reasons, but I do like seeing you around and acknowledging your perspectives. My thoughts towards you are almost comparable to how you look forward to sharing shifts with a certain coworker because you can trust them to be competent and reliable. Something akin to acquaintanceship, but more distanced given that we only ever interact within one designated community. Not super frequently, at that.
I just want to know if such a perception of you triggers your repulsion or pushes boundaries. of course if this does make you uncomfortable, I'll simply not bring it up again. I'm moreso curious.
This is a good faith ask from an allopl, and if you do not feel comfortable responding, please feel free to just delete the ask entirely.
That doesn't really trigger my repulsion, because its not really about friendship or so it seems to not be about friendship, but thanks for asking I guess. Id prefer you not call me an acquaintance though as Im repulsed by that term as I associate it w friendship, but it seems to only be a comparison/ meant to say its less close than that so thats probably not like actually calling me an acquaintance.
And also my repulsion toward ppl feeling platonic/friendship things to me is more only if someone expresses that theyre platonically attracted to me or want to be my friend tbh, bc theres no way Id know or care if someone just feels that so I just don't want ppl to express it to me.
I can't know that someone percieves me some way unless they state it, and imo boundaries, including those about repulsion, can't really be about how ppl see you bc that can't be controlled + one doesn't have to know abt it, they can only be about how they act towards you such as what they may express to you. If I know someone has friendship emotions for me Id rather avoid them, but what I don't know can't repulse me.
And Im glad that ppl appreciate my content, I tend to see it as a compliment / ego boost when ppl think that lol . I actually feel kind of similar to what you describe, about some ppl I know, but maybe not very strongly or consistently (I have a tendency to kind of feel like ppl aren't perfect and it doesn't really go to idolising ppl for me usually bc of that, but there are ppl who Id say I like seeing discuss topics and stuff) and I dont even think abt it often, and I dont label it as anything other than emotions maybe, but either way I don't see it as platonic/friendship when I experience that emotion so.
4 notes · View notes
ot3 · 1 year
Note
hi miss ot3 im going through a dilemma and you seem really smart so id appreciate your opinion. i and some people i know are deciding on an important managerial position but the main candidate is completely unqualified for the role. i tried to suggest other candidates but the main reason theyre giving it to her is because shell feel bad otherwise. her partner is the main person supporting her and no one really wants to disagree with him because everyones friends. can i do anything or am i stuck?
well as a warning in advance im not qualified to answer this question At All on the grounds of anything but common sense. however with that caveat on the table i think you pretty obviously can't let this happen. i dont know entirely what you're working on here but i'm going to assume it is at least decently formal/official and of some consequence.
There's essentially no scenario in which hiring this woman doesn't blow up later, and if I had to guess it'd end up being much worse than whatever sort of blowout you stand to have with her and her boyfriend. For starters, whoever actually is qualified for this position that gets passed over will be rightfully bitter, if its someone you end up bringing on for this job/project at all. everyone having to work underneath her will be rightfully bitter, because there's nothing worse than having to take instructions from someone who doesn't know what theyre doing. in fact, id argue that you run a serious risk of your most competent workers walking out entirely, because the more skilled you are at something the more demeaning it is to be told to do it poorly, and the easier it is to find similar or better work/experience elsewhere.
It also threatens the integrity of whatever project you're working on that needs managing. managing is like a critical thing to Not Fuck Up if you want something done successfully and smoothly. i've actually got two very close family members who do project management for a living - my aunt who works for the bank of america, and my dad who works for the CDC - and it seems like the critical thing for managing people is to understand the collective skillset and capacity of your team well enough to let them do what they're good at. and frankly if this is a person who will make a big stink if theyre being told they don't have the skillset you're looking for, then this is probably something they lack the ability to do. Additionally, if someone is the kind of person who would make a huge stink about getting passed up for someone more qualified, they don't really seem like the kind of person you'd want to be working together with in the first place? it's just a one way ticket to having a subpar final product, if you're too afraid to critique them or their work for fear of backlash.
additionally if she really truly is incompetent, eventually at some point that will become so much of an issue that you can't keep her in this position anymore, which brings you back to square one. so really going through with this is just delaying and worsening the exact situation you're trying to avoid
if the other people who are making this decision with you agree that this woman is incompetent + want the work to succeed, then hopefully they'll come around to this line of reasoning. if they don't agree or aren't that invested in the final project, then it seems like you guys might have some irreconcilable differences regarding the subject in question.
16 notes · View notes
whyiswingdingsafont · 11 months
Note
Tell me about the overgrowth. I like the different iterations each author gives it
Idk what you exactly mean by “each author”, but im guessing similar horror aus already exist so thats what you mean?
I gave a lot of description about the different areas in the og post, so that’s covered for the most part, so I’ll talk a bit about the monsters! Wrote more than I meant to and it might not all make sense cause my head is killing me, but its under the readmore. Hope you guys like anyway!
Starting with the monsters who aren’t exactly around anymore, the echoes of Toriel, Asgore, Undyne, Alphys, and Mettaton (among others) are still lurking around the Underground, thanks to the after effects of Alphys’s determination experiments. They aren’t exactly monsters anymore, just lingering illusions. You can catch glimpses or whispers of them near where they were killed. Attacks will phase through them.
Toriel and Asgore occasionally show up in the Ruins and New home respectively. You feel warmth, but horrible grief if you encounter them. They never appear in the same place and they’re never more than faded, faceless silhouettes. Attempting to attack them will make them disappear, with the sound of deafening sobs echoing around you as they vanish. The main difference between them is that Toriel will try to lead you to safety and Asgore will try to lead you astray.
What little is left of Undyne will attack anyone and everyone in Waterfall. Human or monster, doesn’t matter. Despite this, if anyone actually dies in Waterfall then you can hear the echo flowers faintly replaying apologies and begging for forgiveness. Undyne’s armor is held up by a tangle of vines and moss, but it’s nearly impossible to reach. Attacking it will turn everything in Waterfall on you at once. Papyrus is the only exception to Waterfall’s wrath, stating that he just feels like he’s visiting his old friend whenever he’s there.
Alphys is much more rare to encounter. She switches between the dump, the CORE, and the True Lab. She never says anything, but things might not stay where you left them. Most of the time, an overwhelming sense of guilt is the only indication she’s there. There’s nothing left of her to attack.
Mettaton is a weird one because technically he never died (being a ghost and all) but his body is destroyed, leaving him trapped in it. He’s currently rusting in the resort, with mild control of the building’s electronics. Papyrus eventually finds him and starts repairing him, but he’s never quite the same.
Now to the monsters who never died! Like the og horrortale monsters, the ones in this version spent a significant amount of time without food. The sudden growth of new flora in the Underground felt like a miracle to them, but the plants aren’t actually safe to eat. At least not for extended periods.
Sans was one of the first monsters to show the effects of this, as he was quick to start eating the cattails from Waterfall once they regrew. He didn’t even notice he was changing until Papyrus caught him in Waterfall in the middle of the night, shoveling moss into his mouth. Soon after that incident, mushrooms started growing out of the hole in Sans’ skull and he has permanent streaks of glowing blue moss growing on him. He seems to have no other problems eating the plants in Waterfall, but the other monsters avoid it after seeing what happened to him. Sans says he feels fine, but the other monsters can tell he’s changed. The puns are still rampant though. (He’s such a “fun-gi” and he’s really “lichen” the Underground’s new look)
Papyrus had some significant changes too, with all of his magic turning green one day after he went “to visit his friend” in New Home. He’s bright and cheery again, but never seems to eat or drink anything. Turns out his good friend Flowey decided to “help” him by giving him the ability to drain life out of things. This is a power he has almost no control over, not because he can’t stop it, but because he’s still technically starving. If a human falls into the Underground, Papyrus is quick to befriend them and spend as much time near them as possible. He reasons that as long as he’s friendly and does nice things for them, subtly draining their life by proximity isn’t a bad thing. This will eventually kill the human, but Sans has convinced him it won’t. Deep down, Papyrus still knows what will happen.
Designs of both Sans and Papyrus are in progress, along with a sketch of the CORE, but I’m still deciding on exactly what they’ll both look like.
9 notes · View notes
heliianth · 10 months
Note
how are you enjoying TotK's story so far?
on the dragons tears side i only have 3, 4, 5, 6, and 10 so by no means the complete picture, but unfortunately i have been spoiled for the end of it, i think? ive also only completed the rito regional disturbance quest. ill talk abt what i think so far below the cut
from what ive seen of it, the story is interesting. i dont particularly like time shenanigans stories, more often than not they enable lazy character/writing decisions, create plot holes, and wander around too much to have coherent themes. when time travel comes up in stories i always feel like there needs to be a justification, some lesson or reason that is realized for why it needed to happen. so u can imagine that my experience with the dragons tears so far has been waiting for that justification moment, which i think i already have?
apparently zelda turns into a dragon. tear 5 talks about draconification and how people lose themselves, and ive seen fanart and dragon zelda's actual model in-game flying around the eldin archipelago (made me pretty emotional, though i do suspect any significant reaction i might have with this has been ruined by being spoiled). this is where the story is treading ice for me, and im being super careful to avoid the leadup to the whole dragon thing. because if its a situation where zelda is forced into it, theres no other way and she HAS to do this or else the world explodes or whatever, then i dont think ill be super fond. itll feel like a rehash of what happened during the calamity in botw, where zelda is forced into holding it back for 100 years until link heals. i dont like it when stories have good arcs (in this case, zelda's) but just retread it because theres a sequel and it doesnt know how to further develop the character.
on the other hand, if zelda chooses to make this decision with her own autonomy and reasons, like thinks about it, then i think this writing decision could work as a way of showing how much she's grown when placed in that similar situation she was in during the calamity. zeldas arc is all about love and connection, whether that be with link or her other friends, including love for herself. all i ask for is that the dragons tears story builds upon this instead of just redoing botw but worse
on the rito side of things, i thought it was fun. tulin is a fun little dude. i think its fascinating how hes positioned at the beginning as seeming arrogant and uncooperative, but grows to realize that he needs to rely on others to do the things he wants. hes almost a character foil of revali in that way. the wind powers being revealed as a sage thing is also interesting. obviously i and many other players have made a connection between tulins wind gust (i like to call it tulins tornado c:) and revalis gale, and we know teba isnt related in any way to revali like the rest of them are to the champions. so it does feel like a little extra W from beyond the grave on revali's end. turns out he really did bootstraps his way into rediscovering lost magic. TLDR; i love tulin to bits, even if i wish teba got a tad more screen time. who knows, maybe he'll show up more later.
i would try commenting on the events of the actual game and how they effect link, because link's arc (which happens during the actual game, which i guess the player guides him on) is really important to botw, and i assume it'll be structured similarly here. but obviously im not done with the game so theres not much for me to talk about. i will say that, god. link must be feeling like SHIT. i know when i went to hateno and saw he and zelda lived together, then saw that all the kids in the school loved her enough to draw pictures, i got really choked up. i know i said any significant reaction to the "zelda is a dragon" story beat ill have will be muted by being spoiled beforehand, but depends on how its actually revealed/how link reacts i might still take it like a little baby
so yeah. those are my thoughts
3 notes · View notes
stitchthesewords · 1 year
Note
I hope you know this new au is never leaving my head. Seriously. It's rotating so hard it may explode
-🍂
YOU AND ME BOTH SO,,,LET ME,,,GIVE YOU MORE THOUGHTS TO ROTATE
HotGuy: Skilled with Archery, I do think of him similarly to hawkeye though im honestly not familiar with him because the only MCU thing I've even seen beside the spiderman movies is The Avengers. So. Take that as you will. He has a bow and crossbow, along with gadgets that function similarly - a lot of wacky arrows like nets and smoke bombs and suction cups. He's got a small limp from an old battle that they counteract with his boots. Of the duo, he is definitely meant to be mostly Offensive when they fight, relying on CuteGuy for anything that isn't 'shoot the enemy in the face'
CuteGuy: Uses a gun, though the Lab SAYS its a pellet gun and not a 'real' one [a lie.] Mostly as a backup weapon, however, as his main area is support. His gun is, similar to HotGuy's arrows, equipped with the ability to take multiple kinds of bullets. He has to be very careful to be sure that he's shooting the right one - think sort of like how the supports in Overwatch work, since my main is Baptiste, so he has like - healing 'bullets' which obviously arent really bullets, and then real bullets that actually do damage. I think there are also things like sleeping bullets, maybe electrified ones. He carries most of the utilitarian gadgets for their team too.
The Evoker: Think somewhat similar to Iron Man. It's a full body mech suit that Scar uses to walk around. It can fly, give him basic data about an area or someone, has weapons built into it, and later on Mumbo retrofits it with its own abilities like boosts to Scar's strength and speed. There's a voice synthisizer to hide Scar's identity, because he doesn't know WHY CuteGuy would stay with the Lab, but he can't trust him with any knowledge.
The Watcher - Blind. Literally. His powers partially compensate for this, but it's not like actually seeing with his eyes. And the transformation process to become the Watcher was INCREDIBLY painful for Grian, waking up in total darkness [which, to clarify, the blindness Grian experiences as the Watcher is not ACTUAL blindness. It is instead like they are blocking out his sight while still giving him...sight? I suppose? Like holding something in front of his vision, but they can take the blockage away at any time because he'll be more powerful. Like training with weights and then taking them off for a fight.] The Watcher's abilities let him 'see' things are outlines, or something simply sense they they are there. It's like having 360 vision but having no instincts of how to read it. He also can get flashes of the future, who allows him to do things like avoid bumping into people, or guess when Mumbo was trying to trap him with a net. But these future flashes are only correct some of the time, not all the time - the future can change in an instant after all. And it is NOT like having visions that go far into the future, more like a premonition of something happening seconds away. This allows Grian to live his life as though he could see but means that during his downtime, when he can't use his powers due to motion sickness and other illness, he has no idea how to navigate the world at all. He's been trying to get better, but the Lab doesn't like him NOT using his power, so it's incredibly difficult when he's being watched himself. Grian relies on his old methods of fighting, using a new gun and also, a sword, something he trained with before he became HotGuy's sidekick.
and as a bonus I wanna talk about the NHO guys bc,,,,, I love them.
Bdubs aka...I'm not really sure yet. We'll get there - He only had a brief stint as a powerless hero, most of his work was very lowkey in a team. He takes the experiment for powers because he wants to monetary boost - He's given plant powers [kind of like poison ivy?? I think] and they seal him in a sensory deprivation tank to get his powers to work. Did the Lab actually know that would work and wasn't just a form of torture? You decide!
Etho - not a Hero. He does, however, work for the lab as a spy. And hitman. Semi-military. Whatever they need him for really. He has his own redstone knowledge that he brought with him so he often messes with his own gadgets and helps their engineering teams out when he doesn't have a job. The Lab faked his death, because they needed him to be able to do his job without being tracked.
Beef aka The Butcher - He does not have powers, he instead in a melee-based fighting hero from around the same time that HotGuy and CuteGuy were active. He has a bulky full face mask he wears with a voice modulator built into it to conceal his identity.
Doc - Not a Hero. More like a hostage of the Lab - passive mob hybrids naturally exist in the world [Avians, sheep, etc.] but not neutral or aggressive mobs. Doc was part of the first round of experiments that were trying to make superpowers - and their first attempt was to fuse people with aggressive mobs [This is also where Tango comes from]. This plan failed - most people died, and those like Doc [and Tango] that didn't die were not what the lab needed. However, the evidence of what they'd done was far too obvious, and so the surviving hybrids are kept locked up deep within the Lab. Doc is an engineer who designed or improved most of the Lab's gadgets, which is how the NHO met - Doc is the one who makes all their gadgets.
18 notes · View notes
pansyfemme · 1 year
Note
Yo Jude. You've been taking T for a while. I already deal kinda with mood changes soemtimes. I've always wondered, when you do your shot, is the mood changes that bad? Everything always talks abt like ups and downs on T. Is it as like... servere as things make it out? If it's ok to ask, is it comparable to like mood changes like when youre on your period (bc I certainly have those ack). All in all just kinda would like to know your experiences if that's ok? Cause I am kinda worried abt experiencing mood drops all the time forever until I stop T or something. Otherwise I am so excited to start it one day
Hi! Yeah i dont mind talking abt this at all!
Just a little info abt my history with T for refrence, I do weekly injections, so this refers to that but idk if its similar for other methods, ive been on for 4 years come the 6th of febuary. I’m pretty consistant when it comes to shots, but i miss from time to time. I’ve been on the same dose, 0.3, since i started. When I started I was 14 and had a horomone blocker implant i had had for six months at that point. I remained on both until i was six months on t, when I had the implant removed.
Since I was so young when I started hrt and blockers, I had only been having a cycle (my preferred term, and what i refer to it as going forward) for a few years at that point, and as i was young, it was pretty irregular, but hit me like a truck every time. I’m afraid i can’t really give a detailed experience of my mood swings related to my cycle, because those years were also when my psychosis and depression was at it’s worse. I would rarely leave bed when i had my cycle, but that’s a combonation of severe dysphoria, chronic illness worsening, and mental health. Im sure it contributed, but it’s hard to tell what was what.
Now that ive been in recovery and have been on t for a while, i will tell you what my mood changes have been. When i miss my shot, i feel much more emotional. i’m capable of crying much more than usual, and often can be sent into despair easily. T evens out after a while, but the beginning stages of t are pretty messy. You feel a lot of complicated things. Although T is euphoric, you are hyperaware of yourself, including the negative changes. You’re likely acne-prone, sweatier than you’ve ever been and its hard to avoid the sexual changes like bottom growth and horniness that is pretty unavoidable, and takes a greater toll on your mental health than you think. I’m going to be honest, you feel gross as hell, and a lot of that is good gross, i guess? Like i dont want to pretend its all bad by any means, I have never once regretted t or thought about going off of it besides maybe far off in the future when im further in my transition and might not feel the need for it anymore. But the reality is, it's puberty. It's also a puberty that is quite different from the one you went through before (if u did, ofc) And for a lot of trans guys, even though it's what we ultimatly want, it brings up conflicting feelings. Some stuff i feel that isn't talked about a lot is how an incresed sexual drive can make you feel, because its not always postive, it made me feel disgusted at myself at first. Another big factor is pretty much every part of your body that emits some kind of odor is going to change drastically. For the most part, a lot of early t days was being impatient that the changes weren't happening fast enough but also horrified at how fast other things were. Bottom growth is talked about a lot, but not everyone knows that it can start within the first week of your injection, the fastest change by far. I'm aware you were specific about mood swings, so i'll get into that now, but I wanted to list some other emotional changes in relation to physical changes in case they're relevant. I'm a hyperemotive person by nature, so I tended to get them pretty strongly at first. When I was barely a few months on, i strongly remember breaking down in sudden fits of dysphoria. I am going to be very honest, if you have the resources to see a counseler or therapist, I highly reccomend seeing one during your transition. Not everyone is able to, but if you can, It's good to speak about your transition with someone professionally for many reasons, ofc to help you explore your feelings around it and develop managment techiniques, but also a big one is that if you plan to get any surgeries, theres a pretty big chance you need a letter from a professional therapist to get past insurance (i needed two) so its a good idea to be seeing one for a little while before you get it. I would say that severity of mood changes probably depends on lots of things. like, personally if i keep my levels pretty stable i dont notice any immediate changes after each shot, but i've heard ppl who's mood changes everytime they do their injection as well. If you keep your levels at a healthy number and consistantly keep that up, you're less likely to experience spikes and falls. If you go through an endocronologist like i do, you will have to get bloodwork pretty regualrly, at first it was every three months, now i only do it once a year, but i dont know about getting it from other sources like planned parenthood. For me, T is well worth the emotional changes, but it's not some kind of electric magic, it's medication and there will be good and bad effects.
2 notes · View notes
agirldying · 1 year
Note
hello, that's my ask about determinism
tw: determinism, csa and i guess victim blaming
sometimes i feel like humans arent really beings who constantly get to make choices. i feel like our brains are just reacting to stimulants and behaving in such a way that a strong enough computer could take every variable into account and predict the future. like some of these games where you kind of give some little guys a personality and put them in an set environment and the game just makes stuff happen based off of that.
it's not something that torments me but sometimes when i overthink it i find it hard to blame my abuser. im convinced that somehow i could have been him. that it would have only taken the right circumstances. and that maybe he only did what he did because he had those circumstances lined up. and he was not even that much older (6 years gap when i was 9). and it makes me feel so bad. like i'm lucky to have the higher ground but i could have been just as disgusting.
what would it have taken for me to be awful, as awful as him? fortunately i didn't actively harm someone as a consequence of the csa but i kissed someone younger once when i was a child and pulled away immediately. i felt really bad ever since. and i keep thinking how close was i to be like him? how much can i blame him? did he just fall into a predictable set of actions that preceded his birth? maybe thousands of year ago what he did was already written and it's not his fault he's just a rabot with extra features and so am i.
i'm not even a spiritual person, it's just an idea that stuck with me for a while and even when i was abused i kept thinking yeah but it's not his fault he did that. he couldn't resist it and i didnt actively stop him. how much is it his fault if he just really really need to get released? it's incomparable i know but sometimes i think to myself how is that any different than me uncontrollably snacking? maybe i could have avoided it but maybe something about the way my day started was such that at 2am today i *had* to snack on chips. and maybe the whole universe since its very creation is such that he *had* to hurt me.
Hi anon,
I definitely see what you're saying about how determinism can almost excuse abuse because it implies that it's not their fault because they had no choice in the end. I think everyone's free to believe what they want, but to me this train of logic sounds harmful to survivors.
I believe that we are all each other living wildly different lives and with different genetic traits and predispositions (similar to solipsism) but I also believe we're all responsible for our behavior in some way. I think of myself in my abuser's shoes and I hate myself for what I've done, or maybe I've been through enough numbing experiences as him to the point where I don't have remorse for or even awareness of the effects of my actions. But there's only so much speculation that can be done, because there are probably factors I'm not considering because I'm simply not living his life.
I find solace in knowing that abuse is often a choice. I think even to times were I trolled or harassed someone else, and I can see how it was a choice I made. I could've just as easily (if not more) just avoided saying or doing anything, but I felt defensive in one way or another and decided to act on that feeling in a spiteful and venomous way. Of course abuse isn't always a choice, sometimes it's on accident, sometimes it's coerced, but I still don't believe that a lack of choice necessarily points to determinism. I think determinism has the ability to strip meaning from reality, which I think is a central underpinning to life, the perpetual search for meaning.
It's easy for trauma survivors like us to speculate about the "meaning" of our abuse, even in a grand, astral context. I've definitely had times where I wondered if my abuser was destined to do this to me, if perhaps he as a entity is present throughout previous and future lifetimes, eternally tormenting me in different contexts. There are a lot of things we don't know about life and how to make sense of it. A lot of it is messy and horrifying. My experience has led me to encounter the problem of evil, which you may have as well. I see life as the perpetual battle against evil, and I try my best to be on the benevolent side.
I digress. Perhaps your abuser's behavior was predictable given his circumstances, but I don't believe that excuses what he's done. Even if we are just robots programmed to do these things, I think it's still wrong. Maybe we should investigate the programmer for writing that part in, you know?
I also resonate with what you said in the last paragraph. It took me a long time to actually blame my abuser and not his alleged trauma. When I was enduring his abuse I would always tell myself that he doesn't know any better, that this was how he was raised to express his love, and yet I wouldn't say that to any other victim. I found it to be internalized victim blaming, or even just trying to deny the harsh reality that I was actually being abused.
I also just want to say the thing my counseling professor says which is that even if you "have" to eat something because you're hungry, you're still making the choice to eat instead of starve to death.
There's a lot to say with this subject so I apologize for rambling but I hope I could help or provide some insight and I'm here if you need anything or want to talk about this more.
1 note · View note
aartifex-a · 2 years
Text
i guess i’m in a thinky mood today so because of some recent info on my dash, as a white canadian person who writes an asian (specifically korean) oc i think its important to address other white writers who have characters that are a different race, culture, ethnicity, etc from them:
you will almost inevitably fuck up if you arent coming into your writing with at least an awareness of the dynamics of race re: your characters or world, and even then you probably will still fumble at times. people calling you in/out, bringing this to your attention, isnt harrassment. ive been writing jin as an oc since i was 13. i have absolutely fucked up and done problematic racist shit because im a white person raised in a society that upholds whiteness, you dont leave that kind of pervasive environment untouched by the various -isms, systems, and inequalities of those societies. this isnt me trying to be righteous or “a good white person”, its just honest. you wont ever grow or become a better writer if you dont research the cultures you write and if you dont listen to the people you are portraying and affecting with what you write. be willing to make changes, drastic ones, or take breaks to educate yourself and revamp. 
i can only speak for myself, but i dont think many people would say white writers can never write characters who are of a different race, it just means you need to be more cautious because of the dynamics of how race plays out in the real world. i feel somewhat comfortable with writing jin and trying to incorporate korean culture into his character only because i’ve done both my own research and opted to take korean language and culture classes at my university. i went to the korean culture club which was run by the professor of the korean culture course, and i try to keep up with major news stories out of south korea on places like twitter. this doesnt make me an expert, and i will sometimes avoid certain topics that i dont feel adequately educated on. its something im always trying to work on, and an aspect of my writing that i welcome critiques for. 
another note for writers in a similar position as me, is that while cultural research is important it can only take you so far. remember the cultures you write about contain real, individual people with a diversity of opinions and perspectives. dont make broad stroke assumptions that just because something is considered normal or common in the dominant culture of that society/culture that everyone agrees. ill speak from my own writing experience, but when it comes to writing queer poc, just because a culture/society has homophobic elements or doesnt have legal protections for lgbtq people doesnt mean that there arent lgbtq people and allies in those cultures who are actively fighting for their rights. its important to note the affects of culture on a person, but a person can never be seen only through the dominant lens of their culture. let your characters be people with agency that are shaped by their culture, not stereotypes of a culture first and people second.
its also important, imo, for us as white writers to take some of the burden off of poc in the community when it comes to speaking up about this kind of thing. thats the whole reason im writing this at all. it isnt our job to speak over or for them, but it shouldnt only be up to poc to constantly do damage control, education, and clean up for white people. thats not fair, and it puts the weight of trying to fix harmful ideas on the people who suffer the harm rather than the people who perpetuate and/or benefit from that harm.
and as an end note, i understand that we dont get to choose the environments we’re born into. we don’t all get to be lucky and have progressive families or communities, some of us grow up with some really fucked up ideas normalized to us. its not your fault if you were raised in a way thats ignorant of or hostile to people different from you, but it is your responsibility to pull yourself out of the muck once you realize youre in it. you wont please everyone or be perfect but thats not a reason to avoid growth. your past can explain how you got to where you are but it isnt an excuse to keep going down the same path into the future.
4 notes · View notes
prettybbychim · 2 months
Text
i wish i could magically block all negative posts about writing. i’m talking about the ones like “i’m a writer and i hate writing” or alternatively “i wish i was a writer but i’m not really a writer bc i don’t write enough/im not fast enough/i never finish anything/etc etc”
i understand the intent from these posts (i think at least) and i used to say the same things. but it only made me feel worse. and right now i’m actively trying to avoid these kinds of thinkings because it is very harmful to my psyche and creative drive.
i like using the for you page bc it’s new content from new people (it sucks ass but i’d rather have stuff to look at than scroll thru the same tags over and over again or wait patiently for someone i follow to post lmao) but i digress
u look at one post for 1 second too long and that’s all it’s recommending you now. but specifically with this writing thing, it is so popular. it’s inescapable. so many think these things
i just wanna something other than this sad drivel. i can block as many writing tags as i want to and it’s still gonna be there. the best i can do is ignore it as it comes but it has its way of sneaking into your thoughts when you least expect it.
this is just me complaining honestly. i can’t control other people and i don’t want to either. i guess i just wish my brain wasn’t wired this way lol or yeah i wish i had that magical button that keeps the negative away
it’s just the internet experience honestly. insert any topic in the place of writing and you’ll no doubt find a similar phenomena
anyway yeah just gotta complain sometimes, u know? lol
0 notes
findyourflame · 3 months
Text
okay nobody cares about my opinions specifically but im going to go into them anyways. warning, im going to critique Sonic Prime bc its a piece of media by a huge company. this is going to be a biiiiig post too, under the cut.
TL;DR: Sonic Prime was a disappointing experience, but not the worst. It was enjoyable enough, mostly the first two seasons, rather than the last one. I have many thoughts and feelings on the characterization of the gang, some good, some bad, but overall it was a middling experience, just like most Sonic media is. and the kicker, it was not a sonadow show, I'm sorry sonadow shippers but you're just starved for Sonic and Shadow interacting, it's okay to ship them but some of the things y'all are saying is just silly.
okay now for the real post
For the sake of understanding, I will call each 'season' a season, even tho we all know that Netflix fucked with those episodes and when they were released even though some of them should have been bundled together.
So season one? I looooved it. Setting up the premise, the comedy, the flashy graphics and camera work, it was very fun! Overall, the characters and plot lines of each shatterspace were great....but.
Big and Rouge were shafted extremely hard. Both were given very little variety in their alternate versions archetypes. Big just felt like they went 'he's big and dumb and scared.' And with Rouge it felt like all of them had to be mature and in control and pretty. Boscage Rouge was a little teensy bit feral but overall still more similar to the others rather than different. Big just felt very...inconsequential? Which sucks! I adore Big! But in Prime he just wasn't given enough justice, and what was up with No Place Big just?? Turning British??? What was up with that. Never addressed again, purely existed for comedic value to try and keep your attention during over an hour of fighting the same robots.
Season two was pretty fun, applying more stakes by the urge to collect the prism shards, hinting that with them all back together, the rest of the shatterverses may cease to exist. The beginning conflict of interests and miscommunication between Sonic and Tails (which I'm going to talk about more later)
My main gripe with S2 was that Prismatic Sonic wasn't...interesting enough design wise. Giving a guy some chromatic aberration is always going to make my eyes go wide, but just airbrushing pink on and making his eyes pink doesn't make me think he's Prismatic. Especially considering the lore we know that Sonic has the remaining Prism energy? Like he should be more fucked up looking. More gems, more sparkle. What happened to the days of Sonic getting new insane looking forms just for funsies, which happened even back during the classic era because of Hyper Sonic. Prismatic Sonic deserved to look cooler even if it was a fight against an extremely silly looking Eggman, it would have felt right for Sonic the Hedgehog. Yes this gripe got a lot of explanation I'm an artist I'm not sorry
Season three. Good lord where do I begin. I guess with the things I liked like how I did the others. Once again most of the characters were on point, I liked seeing a reality where Tails is a villain (I know Nine isn't Tails, but lbr it's an exploration on what if Tails was alone, what if he had nobody, and the world was just awful). I liked the very ending sequence where Sonic changes his actions, even if it's in a sentimental manner, so that he avoids breaking the crystal again, he avoids restarting the whole process. I liked Sonic and Shadow's interactions through the entire show, it's nice to see them interacting again after so long of just...not, due to Sega ignoring anyone who wasn't Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, and Eggman.
The dislikes however are very egregious. The pacing was horrendous, why was there over an hour of near constant fighting with cycles of Sonic just stopping petty arguments between the Chaos Council and the shatterverse counterparts. The visuals became less flashy and interesting, it definitely looked rushed and it really shouldn't have been for something overseen by Sega. That sprite sequence was literally the most affronting thing to my eyes as a former Sonic sprite artist, they didn't even try to make it make sense to anything and again, the quality was horrible for something overseen by Sega. The layoffs, the strikes, the direction Netflix has been taking, the direction Man of Action has been taking, it was very clear that the final season was rushed and just shoveled out to us.
Overall, I was disappointed with how they finished off Sonic Prime.
Now onto something very specific about Sonic Prime that I wanna talk about: The characterization of Sonic in specific in this show.
For the most part, he's played pretty well, the voice acting is phenomenal, he's animated with so much expression, he's goofy, he's casual, he's affectionate which is something I believe is an inherent trait of Sonic based on many things in past media...and he's manipulative.
Let me explain what I mean by that
Sonic has always had a very good way of using words to sway people's thoughts and feelings. He's very good at getting under his enemy's skin, at making them pause, at making opportunities to strike as a result or to shift the fight into them just...not fighting anymore. I like this aspect of Sonic's personality because it's an extremely interesting thing to have a heroic character be able to do, and helps with banter, with teaching people.
Because he's a hero, this way of using his words isn't best described as manipulative, because of the connotations of that word being very negative. An exploration of Sonic where he's not a hero, not even an antihero, would be very interesting because of this skill of his.
Sonic Prime doesn't make Sonic evil. But he's certainly not a hero. He's very wishy washy, very stand offish....which is very unlike Sonic compared to most iterations of him where he will fight someone physically even if he doesn't want to, simply because he knows it will at the very least stop them from doing something more dangerous. The worst part of this wishy washy attitude from Prime Sonic is with regards to Nine in specific.
Now I mention the manipulative tactics Sonic uses in other media because he uses them with Nine too. To the point of consistently talking to Nine as if he is Tails, ignoring that Nine is his own person, that he's a real person, and it hurts Sonic to hear Nine defy him because of how much of an individual he is and how he's NOT Tails. He chased the kid into his home, which he broke into, yelled at him, got him arrested by the Chaos Council, and over and over ignored what Nine wanted in favor of what Sonic himself wants. And then when faced with a power hungry Nine he stood back and fought robots instead of rushing up there, with his super sonic speed, to stop the kid. He didn't let Shadow do anything either. Renegade Knuckles punching Nine in the face literally was the best thing that happened on that damn tower bc it showed that at least SOMEONE was willing to try to put a stop to this by any means necessary.
Nine was allowed to keep pushing the prism over and over, further breaking realities, and what did Sonic do?
Continue to try to reason with him.
Just spin dash the fox instead of gaslighting him, Sonic.
Someone probably drew the "I think we're going to have to kill this guy" meme with Sonic and Shadow but it's actually painful how real that shitpost is for the show, and how annoying it is that it's what the show is.
1 note · View note
markets · 4 months
Note
hey angie, best friend anon here. yeah i dont mind! sorry if this is a little disjointed i really haven't talked about this before.
so she broke up with me and it wasn't necessarily a messy breakup but i was very overwhelmed when it happened so i didn't say very much and the conversation felt a little unfinished? but we were both emotional about it so we were giving each other space and she had been going through some other personal stuff and posting about it on social media. so i think i reached out just being like 'hey, i know we aren't together anymore but i still care about you, hope you're ok etc. etc.' and we gradually started talking to each other casually again.
before we broke up it was super long phone calls every day sort of thing but we were back down to like a couple of texts. we ran in the same friend circles though and this was while i was in high school, so hard to avoid each other completely anyways.
it definitely took a long time, im not even sure how long exactly, at least a year before we were really good friends and not just casual ones. especially when we had been going everywhere together and doing everything together previously. full honesty, it's rough. it's going to take time and effort to get back anywhere close to how it used to be and in my experience it has to go slow. it's absolutely going to feel awkward at first. i wanted to jump right back to how we were. i wanted the long calls back. i wanted to walk to the park on our lunch breaks again. but i guess more importantly, when i took a step back, i realized what i wanted more than anything was to be there for her. i just wanted her in my life, in whatever capacity i could have, i couldn't imagine giving that up. so i treated it a bit like a friend you knew who had moved away and come back, if that makes sense. and eventually we graduated and our friend groups fell apart and we were the only ones who stuck together. maybe it comes down to commitment? if you want that connection enough and you try your best to maintain it, it does last and get better/stronger over time.
the hardest thing i think was watching her get in other relationships. and not out of jealousy like some people might think but because some of them were really, really shitty people. and the first time that happens it will be like watching any other friend be in a shitty relationship that you can't talk them out of. except you know, quite possibly intimately, that they can do so much better. even better than you and absolutely better than these new people. and she confided a lot in me about her relationships once we were close again. which was also weird sometimes because in some ways you might see a place where you went wrong or where the new person reminds you of yourself and you'll just get this feeling that you're seeing an outsider point of view of your own previous relationship. idk how to describe it. also the first time i walked into her new house after she moved in with her current and longest gf, i felt a bit like being hit by a truck and seeing a possible timeline where that could've been me because we're very similar. but in a way that's a whole story of its own im sure i don't need to go off on. anyways this is extremely long but i hoped that something out of this helped in some way.
anon this kind of gutted me im ngl i was going to log out for the night but aside from the stuff that specifically pertains to your situation at the beginning i literally felt like i was reading something written by my future self if that makes sense. i so completely understand what you mean about wanting to speed past the awkwardness and go back to where you were and just needing to be there for the other person in some way shape or form. the thing about commitment was also reassuring bc one of the reasons i feel so rushed about all this is that i am graduating relatively soon so i dont really have the time to take idk a year off from us (i probably wouldn’t do it even if i could but just a hypothetical) or even a few months and then start building it back up to were we were. but im really committed to making this work even after we all go off to university. also i had just been avoiding thinking about the whole new relationships thing but it was still good to get some perspective on it so yeah thank you so much anon i really do wish you luck with all this
1 note · View note
llmelonll · 7 months
Text
Loneliness and friendships
Ive been getting this sense of loneliness recently. And I think the worst part is that its because of my own actions. Ive always drawn away from people when I sense a feeling of... understanding? When we become very friendly, laugh and get along I get this sense of... fear of it ending or worse this happiness not being the same for them. As if I'm the only one truly enjoying our time together. Like our friendship is not real. This fear grows and festers to the point we're I feel like I'm annoying them or boring them. Im nothing but a nuisance. So I end up trying to end things before they get a chance. I talk less and become distant. If they don't seek me out I was right... they didn't like me as much as I liked them. I can't get hurt if our relationship never goes deeper than what I wanted it to be... And I'm scared of this happening with my close friend. Please I don't want to loose our friendship I truly do love her and want to be together forever. But I feel like I've been avoiding them? Im distancing myself? I don't know but I'm scared of us not being friends in the near future. I know I'll regret loosing them but I feel like I am because of my own actions. Since they got a partner I've been scared I guess. I'm scared they likes them more than me. That I'm annoying to them now. I'm happy for them but maybe also jealous, resentful? We are so similar in how we are so akward and introverted but I recently realized they had that "normal" school life of partners and many friends. I'm scared of never having a life like that. I don't necessarily want it but sometimes it makes me feel lonely. Unwanted. Why do other girls get that experience but I don't. Am I ugly, annoying, what's wrong with me. Is something even wrong with me? Am I that unwantable. I don't really want this but I just never even experience these things. I mean look at us. I thought we would have the same life experiences yet I feel they are so much more "advanced" socially because they had partners and even had guys fight for they're affection. I've never had that. Or if I had any semblance to it the guy would just stop liking me. They never tried to pursue me. They turn to another girl to like or just stop liking me I guess. Am I that unattractive in and out. Am I that replaceable. God I don't truly want it but I just get so jealous and bitter when girls I know and are friends with have these experiences. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? I feel as of I'm truly unwanted. And these feelings are what make me feel like pushing people away. Like I'm pushing her away. I'm jealous that I can't live a life like you. I'm scared of having any deeper connections to anyone besides pleasant hellos. So why even try to meet anyone. Why try to keep the friendship together. I'll be just a cycle of me being happy realizing that happiness and sabotaging myself and that relationship so they don't leave me. I mean it won't hurt as bad if I leave first. It won't right? Better for me to burn that bridge down first before they even think about doing it themselves... I'm so pathetic. I know it and the worst part is that I just can't bring myself to change. I'm to scared to try to even change. To make a connection, to open myself up. But I'll keep my bleeding heart to myself. No one deserves to see that bloody mess. Not even me... So I'll keep it locked deep deep deep within my chest.
0 notes