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#this is gonna post at 4 am when I’m asleep xoxo
doc-pickles · 4 months
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too early | mat barzal
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summary: mat helps you fall back asleep
warnings: cockwarming, sleepy barzy
a/n: just a short little barzy ramble for y'all to kick off my smutmas fics! i have no order just vibes and 12 smutty fics that will be posted through December when they're ready. hope y'all enjoy these!
xoxo
nina
The sun wasn’t even up yet as you peeled your eyes open. Your phone reads an absurdly early 4:29 AM and you groan. You knew you wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep now even though you’d do anything for a few more hours of rest.
“Mmmm too early,” Mat’s voice is scratchy as he tightens his hold around your waist. “Come back ‘nd cuddle.”
With a sigh, you roll to face towards Mat. His eyes are still shut but his brows are furrowed as his fingers run up and down your back. There’s never been a more gorgeous sight than Mathew Barzal in the mornings.
“I’m not gonna be able to fall back asleep,” you whisper, annoyance laced into your tone. “I never can at this time.”
Mathew groans before he motions for you to roll back onto your side. You oblige, Mat readjusting behind you in slow unhurried movements. HIs hand grabs at your waist before he pushes your sleep shorts down.
“Mat-”
“Trust me, yeah?” Mat pauses and you nod, gesturing for him to continue. “Good girl, just relax baby.”
A low gasp escapes you as his fingers sweep through your growing wetness. It’s not long before he pulls you against his chest, his bare cock rubbing against your entrance.
“Take it all for me?” 
All you can manage is a nod as Mat slowly pushes into you, your back arching into him. His hand comes back to your waist as he bottoms out and pulls you closer. Mat is comfort and all-encompassing warmth as he holds you to him, his bare skin warming you up perfectly.
“Gonna hold you like this till you fall asleep,” Mat whispers, his breath fanning across your shoulder. “Then when you wake up later I’ll fuck you nice and slow, have your sweet pussy clenching around me in no time.”
“Yes please,” you murmur as your eyes begin to flutter shut, the comfort of Mat inside you lulling you back to sleep. “Love you baby.”
“Love you too, now back to sleep.”
part two here
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artiemartietartie · 2 years
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ive been drawing nothing but the ghost n molly mcgee for the past 2 days
[EDIT: I DIDNT REALIZE TIL AFTER I QUEDED IT THAT LIBBY DOES NOT WEAR A SKIRT SHE WEARS RIPPED PANTS AND BOOTS IM SO UPSET RN]
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smallblueandloud · 3 years
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1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 for the writing ask- I AM SO SORRY I COULDNT STOP!!! xoxo
aaaah these questions look SO GOOD thank you so much <3 <3 for this ask meme, which will be open all weekend!
1. tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?
i pulled open all of my WIP google docs for this and my laptop started whirring ominously, lmao. this is going to be a Little Long but i love talking about my wips so who cares!! (under the cut because EXCERPTS)
guys and dolls but gay - very, very casual rewrite of guys and dolls if sky masterson was a woman. i’m loving how chill i’m being about this one because it’s so much fun to not have to worry how i’m going to write lyrics in a not-weird way and just focus on the story. this one’s first because it’s theoretically closest to being finished.
sky, laughing: “oh? people. all the people you turn down every day. well, i imagine there’s someone out there that’ll catch your eye.”
sarah, stiffening: “...yes, there will be.”
sky: “and what might this person be like?”
sarah: “he will not be a gambler, for one.”
sky does not miss the pointed pronoun. “i’m not interested in what he won’t be, i’m interested in what he will be.” she sits down on the desk, in a pointedly masculine pose, and sets her fedora next to her - at her most Hot Queer, basically. “how will you know when he gets to you?”
my fic for the aos rarepair fic exchange - i can’t give any plot or ship details, for obvious reasons, but it’s 1.3k and i’m having fun with it!
steven roadtrip of destiny - canon divergent fic set at the end of steven universe future where steven goes on a roadtrip instead of... canon. it deals with some heavy emotions and it’s also a character study so it’s tentatively shelved until i get around to rewatching suf. but i am projecting on steven like crazy and it’s really, really cathartic. it’s taught me a lot about myself too lmao.
He’s never been anonymous before. He kind of likes it. It means he can fold his arms on the table and put his head down without Pearl worrying about his posture, or someone asking him if something’s okay.
In the last few months, he’s grown to hate people asking him how he’s doing, or if he’s okay. He always ends up lying, because he doesn’t want to worry them, and he ends up feeling worse.
Probably because it’s more of him supporting other people without supporting himself.
He should have told someone how he was feeling. He should have reached out. Sadie could’ve helped him. Lars would’ve listened. Connie would have hugged him and then found him the appropriate mental health professional.
(God, Steven wants a hug. Also the appropriate mental health professional? Whoever that would be.)
untitled aos fic - i don’t want to give a lot of details because :eye emoji: and also i don’t know much about what the plot of this is going to be anyway, lmao. but here’s an excerpt:
daisy “that actor who doesn’t shut up about data harvesting” johnson (@daisyquake) tweeted: two weeks :eyes emoji:
Elena Rodriguez | Seven Cents S2 Streaming On Netflix Now! (@yoyorodriguez) retweeted and added: the problem with being friends with daisy is that you SHOULD have some insight into what her tweets mean but you still have no idea
Fitz (@justfitz) retweeted and added: Try being married to her
untitled star wars twins fic - because i am a total and massive nerd. i’m just kind of stuffing everything i have feels about from the post-anh era into this and planning on figuring it out later? i’m really loving talking about the culture of alderaan (and the culture of the survivors) and also i just love writing luke and leia’s relationship... so much......
(no excerpt for that one because i’ve basically posted all of it in various posts lmao)
aos ds9 au - i’ve posted a LOT about this already and i want to keep the plot a surprise but fsk is in this and married and half the cast is aliens, what else do you need in life.
“Good morning,” says Jemma, coming into the room with her hair wet and her uniform crooked. “Hello, darling.”
“Hi,” says Daisy, turning her face up for a kiss. Jemma obliges absently as she walks past, looking around the room.
“Has anyone seen my hair clip?”
“No,” say Fitz and Daisy in unison.
and of course, last but never least in my heart, chapter 3 of the magnum opus - writing this is on hold until my brain decides to stop hitting me over the head at every possible moment, but there’s like... 2k written so far? it’s. it’s going.
“Yeah, yeah,” says Coulson, and makes quick work of the right gauntlet. It’s only halfway through the left one that his fingers slow and he says, quietly, “Simmons designed these, didn’t she?”
She lets out a quick breath. “Yeah.”
He stays quiet for a few more seconds, finishing up the last of the straps, making sure they’re tight enough. Finally, he says, “She should be helping you with these.”
Daisy pulls her arms back and swallows down some words, or maybe a couple of feelings, or maybe a sob. “Yeah, well.”
2. tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project
the last sentence of the magnum opus!!!!!!!!!!
no, lmao, i’m gonna try to be serious. i really, really want to write some librarians fic in the near future? also MORE OF THE SENSE8 AU. i’m DYING to write some stuff about that. especially sam’s cluster, for some reason? Let’s Make Him Suffer (Comedically)! one day i’m gonna finish that list of what cluster/situation each song is about and then it’ll be over for all of us!
3. what is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)
i spent about eight months imagining a scene where riza hawkeye was really injured and mustang was holding her in his arms (basically the promised day scene but with more privacy) so does that count?
hmm, just for some other possibilities: glinda telling dorothy about elphaba, laura somehow seeing or speaking to natasha during catws, a good omens au of the good place (specifically the ”i don’t even like you!” / “you doooooooo” scene), kencyrath au of star wars (ESPECIALLY THIS ONE, except setting up the first scene alone would take 7k, but i want to talk about leia and luke and their MESSED UP TRUST ISSUES in this au).
oh, also, something about star trek tng where jean-luc and beverly and jack were in love and then jack died and picard left. more specifically a scene set during the pilot episode where jean-luc very cordially offers beverly the option to transfer off the enterprise, that he wouldn’t dream of holding it against her, and beverly very cordially telling jean-luc to go fuck himself. i want to write 30k of that broken triad. i want it so bad. i dream of that fic. maybe one day when i find myself with a completely empty month or two, i’ll binge all of tng and Write Some Stuff.
4. share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)
since you and i have tww in common, i’m gonna do a tww fic! otherwise i’d have to reread literally every fic i’ve ever written, lmao.
(this is long but i put this post under the cut so i have RIGHTS. also consider this a sneak peek for the j/d fic in the sense8 au?)
“It’s okay,” says Helen. She sits for a moment in silence, seeming thoughtful. “The Congressman and I are in the same cluster,” she says eventually. “I’d- I supposed that’s easier on the Secret Service?”
“Yes,” says Donna. “The-”
She stops herself from saying anything further. President Bartlet and the First Lady aren’t exactly quiet about who’s in their cluster, especially with senior staff, but that doesn’t mean she should go talking about it in an unsecured room in LA, of all places.
To cover for her blunder, she gives up something else: “The same with Josh. They got really lucky with him, actually. It’s just him and me, so they won’t have to worry about anyone threatening the Chief of Staff through the barista in the local Starbucks.”
Helen looks up from the Ohio numbers she’d drifted back to, a slow smile creeping up on her face. “Josh is in your cluster?”
“Uh-” says Donna, feeling like national security wasn’t worth whatever she’s just blundered into. Oops. “Josh- Josh is my cluster, ma’am.”
She catches her mistake the second it’s out of her mouth, but Helen doesn’t call her on it, more focused on other revelations. “No wonder you two look at each other the way you do!” she says, sounding delighted. Donna shuts her eyes, praying for this to go away. It’s not that she’s ashamed of Josh - it’s just so, so complicated, and other people never think about how difficult it was. Still is.
i’m just... i really liked the idea of donna fumbling and having to reveal this to cover up for what else she was going to say? i don’t know why i’m so charmed by this. i think it’s because it would be impossible in the show - you can’t show what someone was going to say on television, not without a lot of setup and very careful scripting. it’s just a really fun situation to write about and i’m really proud of this conversation in general.
also helen santos was a dream to write and i love her a lot. i kind of want to write one of the fics in the series about her and her cluster solely because like... look at her. she’s a delight in literally every scene. i love her.
5. what character that you’re writing do you most identify with?
daisy johnson!!! i love writing daisy johnson!!!! she is the most adhd character i’ve ever written and i literally just have to transcribe my own inner monologue and it works perfectly!!!!!
Swing shift: 1600 hours to 2400 hours. Daisy always ends up getting back to her quarters at like 0030 hours, when Jemma is asleep and Fitz is reading some kind of technical journal. Then she has to eat replicated pizza, alone, and freshly replicated pizza is actually pretty hot but it feels cold at that time of night, like, spiritually.
6. what character do you have the most fun writing?
...whoops i literally just answered that lmao. uh. i also really love writing sky masterson in the guys and dolls fic? she’s just weaponized hot queerness in a suit and i love her for it. she is intentionally trying to seduce this repressed lesbian and it’s really funny and also really hot of her and it’s so much fun to write.
also, i wrote chidi for the tgp fic and it was possibly the most fun i’ve ever had with a pov, although that was also because i was purposefully trying to mimic the tone of the show. i still think that line about michael and a grenade is, like, the funniest i have ever been in my life. but chidi’s panic was surprisingly easy to write? all of tgp’s characters have such STRONG voices, it makes writing fic ridiculously easy as long as you don’t get stuck on a plot for six months.
7. what do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? would others agree?
oof, this one is ALWAYS tricky. uh? uhh?? i’m going to ruin everything by saying this but i basically alternate between the same two sentence structures and i am really frustrated about it. i also alternate between the same two styles of endings and i always use the same beginning (set scene, main character pov, thoughts-as-exposition, back to scene).
BUT ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE i like to talk about emotions and relationships and character development!! i have my “queer subtext goggles” superglued to my face, lmao. i like to think about how characters must have felt about things in canon and how it must’ve influenced them. i like making people deal with the consequences of their actions, especially how it’s influenced they themself. i also just really, really like writing people who love each other, whether it’s romantic or platonic or anything in between. i just want them to be happy! i just want them to stick together! doesn’t matter what fandom, i stand by it.
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shipersanonymous · 4 years
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One Hit West
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Chapter 4/?
Author's Note:
Was going to post this much earlier but I just kept on falling asleep 😴🙁. But it's here now! Longer than usual and yess it will offer some answers but I'm pretty sure it's going to leave you with alot more questions.
Still, Enjoy!!
XOXO
****** Cliffhanger Warning ******
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
[Flashback]
Iris looked down at the test in her hands and took a few deep breaths. Each inhale and exhale saw her sinking deeper and deeper into her mattress, like the seriousness of the matter weighed her down the more she considered it. No matter how many times she looked away and looked back at the little stick, the result didn’t change. It was always positive.
She was pregnant.
She didn’t know what to feel. What to think. How to act. Her hand rose, tentatively, to her stomach and she let it rest there over her navy blue sweater as her mind raced through thoughts of Barry.
The man she loved. The father of her child.
A smile spread over her lips as was often the case when she found herself thinking of him, something she also did quite often. Her love for Barry was unlike any other teenage crush she’d been through. It was the kind of love that consumed. That melted into your senses till you felt incomplete unless the object of your love was within reach. There for you to smell, hear, see, touch and taste.
It was the kind of love that only happened once in a lifetime.
And now he was inside her. A piece of him anyway, perfectly blended with a piece of her, growing inside her. Taking form and gaining life in the little space that laid beneath her palm. Tears blurred her vision as an incomprehensible joy washed over her, partnered very closely with a hint of fear.
Her phone rang and as she watched Barry’s name flash on the screen the fear grew. Doubts crept out from the dark recesses of her consciousness and soon Iris was trembling.
What if he doesn’t want the baby?
What if he’s not ready to be a dad?
Am I ready to be a mom?
Can I do this?
After all she was only nineteen and after a year of traveling both her and Barry were ready to take the next step into adulthood and start college. Having kids didn’t seem like the first step, it seemed like a leap. She should have been shopping for stationery and dorm hunting instead of picturing herself shopping for strollers and car seats.
The ring persisted so Iris swallowed the knot in her throat and answered the call.
“I love you,” his voice echoed into her heart and vibrated through her body, extinguishing any and all doubt from her mind. It was a little something special between her and Barry, always greeting each other with an “I love you” instead of a “hello” or a “goodbye". She found it sweet at the beginning of their relationship, like he’d been holding off from telling her how he felt out of fear of scaring her away but after he finally confessed he couldn’t say it enough. She asked him about it once it felt like they’d been together long enough that no question proved awkward. His response:
“Hellos seem to always be followed by goodbyes, goodnights, see you later or see you soon and I never want to say any of those things to you. I never want to feel like there’s a chance you might be walking away from me, not even with the certainty that you’ll be coming back. An “I love you” is eternal, it’s a promise that no matter where either of us go we will be with each other. It says that no hellos are needed because this isn’t the awkward beginning and no goodbyes are necessary because there’s no end to you and me.”
The memory made her tear up and brought her all the safety she needed. As insecure as she felt at that moment, the one thing she was certain of with every fibre of her being was that Barry Allen loved her. That’s all she needed to know.
“I love you too,” she whispered out trying to hide the shake from her voice but…
“Are you alright, babe?”…he picked it up.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Her first lie.
“Just woke up,” Her second.
“Oh I’m sorry, can you still catch your dream if I hang up now?” he asked apologetically.
“You are my dream,” she confessed truthfully and she could practically hear his cheeks tint.
“What’s up?” She asked, saving him from having to come up with a corny comeback to out cheese her cheesy line.
“I just wanted to hear your voice,” he answered and her heart melted.
“Well since I’m up how about I do one better? Meet me at the tree?” She asked, her resolve hardening.
“I kinda have something I wanna tell you.” Her eyes flickered to the pregnancy test in her hand.
“Are you sure you’re OK?” he asked yet again and she chuckled.
“Barry I’m fine. Just meet me at the tree in fifteen OK?” She waited as he decided whether or not he wanted to believe her when she said she was fine but soon enough he gave in.
“Alright, see you in fifteen. I still love you.” He greeted.
“I still love you too.” She replied and ended the call.
The floor was white as far her eyes could see except for the shovelled pathways that offered a hint of gravel grey to the scenery. For some reason Iris had bundled herself up even more that afternoon, almost as if she didn’t trust her body to insulate their child against the harsh temperatures of the Central City winter. Unlike her, their favourite tree was barren of any leaves and provided no shelter from the slowly falling snow but despite this she knew that it had to be there. This is where she had to tell him that their lives were about to change, and not just because they would both (hopefully) be going off to college that spring. Her hands moved in the warmth of her jacket pockets, rubbing her still flat belly and filling the silent place with the sound of stuffed nylon being rubbed.
The cold had kept the children at bay, giving the park an isolated quality. It couldn’t be any more perfect. Iris heard the wet crushing of the snow behind her and closed her eyes before his hands squeezed through her bent arms and wrapped around her waist. He kissed her cheek and she smiled warmly at the feel of his arms around her stomach. It felt right.
“You been waiting long?” he asked, resting his chin on her shoulder and swaying gently.
“No, just had enough time to take in the scenery.”
“Yeah it is something. Second most breath-taking thing I’ve seen all day,” he said and gave her cheek another kiss to make it clear that the first thing was her. Iris chuckled and turned around in his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and smiling brightly up at him.
“Barry Allen, ever the charmer,” she teased and he grinned down at her.
“Only for women I find irresistible,” he responded.
“Oh really?” she challenged with her eyes wide open. “So how many of us are there?” she asked knowingly.
“Mmm,” Barry closed one eye and pretend to think about it.
“Just one. You.” He answered and leaned in to steal a quick peck but Iris held him there, parting his lips with hers and deepening the kiss. It wasn’t a hungry kiss, on the contrary it was soft and she gingerly played with the hair at the back of his neck that stuck out between his scarf and his wool hat. She gave him a final peck, tugging on his bottom lip, and he rested his forehead on hers.
“What was that for?” he asked, his eyes still closed as her warm breath melted the cold on his lips. She smiled.
“For saying I’m the only woman in your life right now. Besides your mom that is.” She justified and he chuckled though the happy sound had a hint of sadness in it as was the custom when the topic was his mother.
“It’s true,” he reassured her.
“There isn’t and I fear there never will be another woman in my life. You’re it for me.” He promised and her eyes searched his.
“You really mean that don’t you?” She asked, her eyes growing moist.
“With every fibre of my being. I’d go to the end of the world to prove it to you. Even if that meant declining both my scholarships.” He said and grinned knowingly as her eyes grew wide.
“You got them?” She asked a smile teasing the corner of her lips and he nodded, happy to see the twinkle of pride in her eyes.
“I did.”
“Oh my gosh, Barry! I’m so proud of you baby!” She said and covered his face with a dozen enthusiastic kisses. He laughed, his entire chest shaking merrily from the action.
“Thank you,” he said once she seemed to be calming down, the smile on her face making his own smile grow till his cheeks hurt and he could barely see from squinting.
“I knew you were gonna make it. You’re a talented athlete and have the greatest brain in the city. They’d have to be blind not to see that.” She gushed over him and his cheeks tinted further than the blush offered to him by the cold weather.
“And yet you’re still the most important part of me.” He said and pulled her closer, he just never quit.
Then suddenly her stomach dropped as she looked into his eyes. For the first time, his undying love and devotion filled her with a prickle of dread.
“I’d go to the end of the world to prove it to you. Even if that meant declining both my scholarships.”
His words rang through her brain and the infatuation in his gaze told her he wasn’t kidding.
“So what did you have to tell me?” he asked and she couldn’t help but think that his timing couldn’t have been any worse. How could she bring herself to tell him that she was pregnant, knowing exactly how he’d react?
How much he’d be giving up.
Because that’s just how Barry was. He was the type of guy who took responsibility for his actions and valued family above everything. She saw that in how close he was to his twin brother and how much he looked up to his uncle. She could only imagine how proud they both were of him. All the plans they must have for his future. But Iris also knew that he loved her, with every bone in his body. So telling him would be ripping away that future. Snuffing out the flame of his dream and Iris couldn’t bring herself to do that. So she answered:
“Just that I love you. But I wanted to give you the opportunity to kiss me when I did so.”
His eyes shrank as he smiled and she was surprised that the snow around them didn’t begin to melt with the brightness of it.
“I love you too,” he said before leaning in to taste her lips.
And her heart broke a little as she wondered how many more times she’d get to hear him say that before she had to walk out of his life for good.
[10 months later]
Iris’s eyes fluttered open slowly and her entire body felt heavy, like gravity had taken particular interest on her that day. She was completely numb from the waist down and as her foggy mind tried to make sense of her surroundings she grew more and more confused. Nothing about the pale white room or the cold decorations in the space brought about the smallest whisper of familiarity. Then as her mind cleared, small wisps of recollection floated through her brain and suddenly the drugged nightmare she thought she was in became all too real. As her eyes painfully adjusted to the fluorescent lighting, the windowless space with its bland furnishings began to look more and more like the prison she’d grown accustomed to the past few months.
But something felt wrong that day and she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. All she knew was that whatever it was, it wasn’t just the room. It wasn’t the white, steel and glass décor nor the sterile smell or unnatural lighting. It was something inside her. Something within her had changed, shifted. Something was missing.
My babies!
The cry popped into her head and her hands automatically flew to her deflated stomach. Some of its swelling remained but it felt different. It felt empty. She started to panic and her breaths shortened as she moved her hands frantically up and down her abdomen in search of some sign of life. Her eyes widened and grew teary as she searched her mind (and body) for some form of explanation as to what had happened. When she felt under the plain white shirt that fell loosely around her torso, she found a thin line of scarring skin stretching across the bottom of her stomach just above her midsection. Blurry memories came to her at the feel of it:
The sharp pain in her pelvic region. A nurse telling her to relax. A heavy exhaustion dulling her senses. The blurred out sparkle of what looked like an operation room in use.
Then suddenly the possibility dawned on her like an unwanted thought:
My babies are gone.
And something inside her snapped.
“Where are my babies!” she yelled to whoever was keeping her hostage in that tastelessly decorated room.
“My babies!” she screamed, the thought that the place was sound proof escaping her mind in her panic.
“My babies! Give me back my babies!” she shouted, flaying her arms around like a mad woman, the fact that she couldn’t move the bottom half of her body, infuriating her further.
As the tears began their trek down her cheeks a knock echoed from the door. Iris swallowed down her tears and fell silent. The round door knob turned slowly and Iris watched it intently, her heart racing. In stepped two women, dressed in blue scrubs and each holding a tiny blanket wrapped bundle in their arms. Iris sucked a hopeful breath in and held it as the women approached.
“Good morning Ms West. Glad to see that you’re finally awake. These two little angels have been dying to meet you.” One of them spoke with a smile. She had fiery red hair and startling green eyes. Her friend wore a smile similar to hers that twinkled in her golden-honey coloured irises, her hair a glossy auburn.
“Let me help you up,” the dark haired one offered as she handed the red-head the baby she was holding before approaching Iris’s bed. She helped Iris sit up and adjusted the pillows behind her with the attention of a dedicated nurse, then she retrieved the baby from her friend (who had also approached) and gently placed it in Iris’s keen arms.
Iris exhaled loudly, relief flooding her body as she laid eyes on the perfect bundle of warmth in her arms. Judging by the blue attire, Iris assumed it was her baby boy.
Joseph Junior, she thought, her previous frustrations forgotten as she met her son. Joey, after my father.
The next baby was her baby girl, and a tear slipped Iris’s eye as her daughter moved in her arms.
Nora, after your father’s mother.
She named them silently and planted a loving kiss to each of their little heads as a half sob, half chuckle escaped her lips.
Joey and Nora.
Her perfect babies.
**********************************************
[Iris]
“I love you mommy,” Nora says, her voice distant and Iris chuckles. Knowing her daughter, Nora probably has her eye’s glued to a book and answered the phone distracted.
“I love you too baby. Always will.” Iris sighs her heart beat returning to normal. She hears the soft ruffle of pages being turned and smiles.
“What are you reading baby girl?” Iris asks, trying to contain the tremble in her voice as she steadies her breathing.
“What’s wrong mommy?” Her daughter notes, ignoring her question and Iris chuckles.
Like father like daughter, she thinks to herself. Both can read her like an open book.
“Nothing baby, mommy just needed to hear your voice.” Iris assures her and closes her eyes to commit every note and change in pitch to memory.
“Are you sure? Cause you don’t sound too good.” Nora insists.
“Yes baby, mommy’s fine. I just miss you.” She dropped Nora off at Anissa’s apartment this morning, like always, but the tightening in her chest made it feel like it’s been years. She can’t stand to be away from her daughter for long periods of time. She never could.
“I miss you too mommy. Will you come get me soon?” Nora asks, her voice tiny and hopeful.
“I will baby. I promise.”
“So can I stay up and wait for you tonight? We can read another biography together?” Nora offers and Iris chuckles. Despite being a mere five years old Nora has the brain of a teenager, and it was her heightened intelligence (and Iris’s extreme paranoia) that fuelled her mother’s decision to have her home schooled.
“No that’s alright sweety, go on and let aunt Nissa put you to bed. You need your sleep.”
“So do you mommy. According to your sleep tracker you only got four good hours of sleep last night and you know that you need at least double that to keep your body and mind functioning properly.” Nora lectures and Iris can’t help but smile.
“I know baby girl, I know. I promise I’ll get enough sleep tonight but for now it’s time for bed. I’ll pick you up in a few.” Iris promises.
“Ok mommy. Goodnight then. I still love you.” Nora whispers it like a secret and Iris’s heart flips in her chest.
“I still love you too.” Iris whispers back and laughs just as quietly.
“Goodnight baby.” She greets before Nora hangs up.
For a while Iris simply stands there in the darkness of night with the cool evening breeze whispering it’s travelled secrets into her hair. With her eyes closed she pictures her daughter’s sweet face. The soft caramel of her skin, the fullness of her little lips (like her mom’s), the roundness of her light green eyes (like her father’s) with a beautiful hint of honey, the cute roundness of her nose. She sighs out, content, though a bitter sweet taste lingers on her tongue. Despite the thought of her daughter’s perfect features making her heart swell with so much love and so much pride, it also serves to remind her of the other half that made that perfection. The other half of her heart. The man that was currently bleeding in her guest room.
Her fingers brush over her lips, remembering the brief seconds he’d pressed his to hers. It would have been so easy to give in, to kiss him back. To let herself be swept into his arms, let him love her again. To just march in there and tell him the truth, tell him why she left, that he’s the father of a beautiful, Einstein smart little girl who’s his biggest fan.
That he used to have a son.
Her throat closes up at the thought of her baby boy. Five years had passed but the memory of his innocent little face still made her eyes sting with tears of grief. Iris catches herself in time and blinks the tears away. She can’t risk it. She can’t tell him. He can’t know about Nora. Not yet.
Not before she knows the whole truth.
Her heart hardens once more and she walks back into her house, cold as ever. Iris prays that her poker face is good enough to mask her inner thoughts. As her bare feet land silently on the tiled floor she, wonders which version of her, exactly, she’s trying to hide from him. The girl he once loved or the woman she’s become.
[Barry]
He waits for her in the bathroom, his mouth dry and his mind a chaotic mess of thoughts. Mostly questions without answers.
Every time he closes his eyes he can see the inside of that room as clearly as if he were looking at a photo of it. The light purple walls were covered in posters of old musicals and diagrams of the solar system. The tiny white furniture, a child sized book shelf and a square wooden table with three matching chairs, looked delicate yet sturdy. The bed was neatly made with a lilac and white polka dot set. The stuffed animals, a polar bear, a turtle and a penguin, were neatly plopped up against the pillow and the ceiling was covered in glow-in-the-dark stars. It’s the kind of room he imagines his daughter would have, if he had one.
Would have. Had.
An opportunity lost. A future erased. Because the only woman he’s ever pictured himself starting a family with seems to have started one on her own. Without him.
Is she married?
I don’t remember seeing a ring.
How old is her daughter? Did she really get over me that fast?
Is it even her daughter? What if it’s a niece or something?
Iris walks in interrupting his whirlpool of thoughts as he pieces her life together in his mind without a single shred of evidence besides the child like room. He expects her to say something quirky, like:
“I see you’ve found the bathroom,”
Or…
“Let’s get you all patched up.”
But she, once again, proves that he no longer knows her by silently retrieving a first aid kit from the cabinet beneath the sink before giving his cheek more attention than she’s offered him in the short while since their reunion. He wants to speak to her, to ask her about the room. Ask her how she managed to move on cause he was still hurting as much as the day she walked – ran – away from him. How she could find it in her heart to love someone enough to give him a child so soon after their relationship ended. Did he mean nothing to her?
He flinches as she swabs a particularly sensitive area of his wound with the alcohol soaked cotton ball.
“Sorry,” she whispers and for a second the concern in her eyes takes him back to their high-school days. When this scenario wouldn’t have consisted of silent breaths after fleeing death but a relaxing bath for two that he would have drawn as Iris read their daughter to sleep.
And suddenly he finds himself wondering what the little girl might look like. Is she a miniature version of her mother? Beautiful chocolate skin and adorably big eyes? Are her eyes brown like Iris’s or are they the same colour of the lucky bastard fortunate enough to hold the place Barry once deemed as his in Iris’s life? Does she have soft curls? Pigtails?
“How old is your daughter?” He blurts out, not realising that he’s thinking out loud till the words are out of his mouth. Iris stiffens mid swab then hurriedly carries on.
“What makes you think I have a daughter?” She asks, trying to hide her nervousness but it pleases him to see that he can at least read her some of the time.
“I saw her room. When I was looking for the bathroom that is, I sorta stumbled into it.”
“Oh.” She answers without indication that she means to answer his question.
“So?” he presses on.
“So what?” She asks sternly.
“Are you gonna tell me how old she is?” he asks again.
“Five,” she answers, then adds: “And before you do the math…” a moment of hesitation and his heart fills with hope.
“…She’s not yours.”
Silence.
He can’t bring himself to ask how that was possible. Cheating didn’t cross his mind, Iris wasn’t that kind of woman. She hadn’t been that kind of girl. Yet the thought of someone else touching her as intimately as he once had, a few days or even weeks after she’d chopped up his heart and handed it to him in a paper bag, still packs a nasty sting.
But in his heart Barry can’t bring himself to doubt her love. An emotion of that magnitude can’t be faked, he couldn’t have spent three years of his life being fooled.
That’s what pounds through his mind as she cleans and dresses his wound.
As she gives him instructions to help himself to anything in the kitchen and to make himself at home. He is not to, under any circumstances, leave the premises without her and no take out, it will draw too much attention.
Barry can’t really explain whether its shock or fear that makes him go into auto pilot and silently accept her rules without the slightest bit of protest.
All he knows is that as he watches her walk away again, his heart seems to break a new. Only this time he finds no hope in himself to glue it back together.
[Iris]
Her stomach lurches as she looks over her shoulder at him one last time and notices the light fade from his eyes.
He’d been quiet after she told him Nora wasn’t his. Too quiet, and with every word she saw flash through his eyes and never make it out his lips, Iris found that the lie burned her insides like hot acid. As she steps into his car and drives towards her cousin’s apartment, she knows that she should have offered him an explanation but her mouth had run dry and with his silence driving her crazy she knew that if she opened her mouth it would be to tell him the truth.
So she matched him at his own game and let him make his assumptions. Surely nothing he came up with is worse than the truth. That she’s keeping their daughter away from him despite his history. That she’s lying to him without any shred of proof that he had anything to do with what happened to her six years ago.
What happened to their children.
That despite her heart refusing to paint him as anything but the love of her life, her mind and maternal instinct keep screaming at her to be cautious. She’s already lost one child, she can’t afford to lose another.
Iris stops at a red-light and fishes out her phone from her pocket to give her cousin a call. That’s when she realises that she has five missed calls from Anissa. A tiny voice inside her begins to chant that something’s not right but she pushes it down and calls her cousin back.
“Iris finally!” Anissa responds, her voice increasing Iris’s panic.
“What’s wrong?” Iris asks, her voice as solid as a reinforced brick wall.
“You tell me,” Anissa answered. “Your dad banged on my door a little after you hung up and told me he was taking Nora. I tried to hold him off but there’s only so much I ca-”
“Did he say where he’s taking her?” Iris asks, crossing the red light and making a violent “u” turn to head home.
“He said to meet him at home.” Anissa answers and Iris breathes out through gritted teeth. She knew that her father would want to discuss her little interference at the casino tonight but she hoped that he would leave the dagger throwing for tomorrow.
But he’s desperate, that’s the only excuse she can come up with for him using Nora to get her attention. As much as she wants to be respectful and hear him out she was already upset that he would go after Barry without consulting her and now she’s down right pissed.
So with smoke steaming out of her ears and her heart racing from the anger based adrenaline flooding her body she bangs open her parent’s door to find her father calmly sipping a cup of tea in front of the TV. His feet are up and he barely pays her grand entrance any mind, his nonchalant attitude increasing her annoyance.
“What the hell dad!” She screams and, with just as much force as she used upon entering, she bangs the door closed.
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afterglownights · 4 years
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Writing Update!
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Hi Y’all! So I’ve been working more than usual so I haven’t been able to write the last two weeks except for the 3 days I had off and I made Bad Kind of Butterflies But I have 4 days off and I am gonna fully use these days to set down and write as much as I can! I am currently working on a series that im very excited to tell you about!!
So right now my list is short of things I’ve planned and created. I appreciate all of you for gassing me up to write more and tbh I’m trying something new when posting a series, and it going to take me awhile to finish it all because I don’t know how long I want the series to go and the series I’m referring to is called...
Ruthless | Koh!Tom Holland Au!!!!
Summary; Y/n is an archangel in Heaven. She is asked to attend the annual realms meeting that takes place in Hell. As the newest addition to the archangels, this will be her first time in Hell. What happens when the King falls in love with the archangel? Who will save the King when his demons turn their back on him and try to assassinate him while he is asleep?
Series Release Date; 02-14-20!!! *Chapter One, Prologue is coming soon!*
One-Shots 
Untitled Koh!Chris Evans ( cause there is literally none for this au!) 
Release Date; 03-27-20
Must of Been The Wind | Tom Holland ( IPV Awareness writing )
Release Date; 12-22-19
I told y’all it was a short list! Well there y’all go! I hope y’all have a good evening/night/morning! I love y’all xoxo
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kinktae · 4 years
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The penultimate part🥺 I’m not ready to say goodbye, Bitchin!Jungkook has definitely been one of my fav characterizations of him that I’ve ever read. Thank you so much for sharing your work with all of us💖
bitchin 9 asks bc i suck
sapphireprinces5 said: bitchin’ pt9 was just so beautiful?? the way you explained the emotions and interactions between the characters was just amazing!! I felt myself hanging on every word wow excited for the end but will miss bitchin’ so much 🤧
Anonymous said: TAEHYUNG AND YARA SIGN ME UP GURL!!!!
Anonymous said: Like I just feel like if Jk really liked y/n he wouldn’t have slept with Kiri, you know? It shouldn’t matter that he didn’t know how y/n felt. And it’s obvious that he has feelings for y/n so I just hope that’s something y/n addresses when she talks to him. Don’t settle for less girl! Get you a man who will fight for you regardless 👏 (btw this is not me criticizing how you wrote it in any way! I’m just so invested in the characters and am thinking about how I would feel in this scenario :) )
Anonymous said: I KNEW SOMETHING WAS GONNA HAPPEN WITH YARA AND TAE I FELT IT SO DEEP IN MY BONES IM SO HAPPY FOR THEM 😭😭😭
Anonymous said: Hi! I just binge read bitchin in a day and can I just say that I loved it! I really love the female characters as well, you’ve written them so beautifully 🥺 if I was y/n I wouldn’t be concerned so much about Jk not sleeping with Kiri if he knew the way y/n felt, but rather the fact that if Jk didn’t want to sleep with Kiri, he wouldn’t have, regardless of y/n’s feelings or not. IMO y/n’s feelings shouldn’t be the issue here, but Jk’s should! If I was y/n’s bff that’s what I would tell her LOL
Anonymous said: OH MY GOODNESS! YES !!!! YESSSSS Y.E.S Muchas graciaaaas!!!
Anonymous said: tae and yara are my new ship)
unknowntalesx said: okay but like tae and yara thooO they got me all smiley being like oh yeah bayyybeEE das what im talking about 😏 ALSO OKAY NOW THAT I AM MORE LUCID KIRI GOT FUCKING WRECKED I LOVED THAT SHE GOT A DOSE OF HER OWN MANIPULATIVE MEDICINE I AM 😤😤😤😤😤
Anonymous said: im not ready for bitchin to end )):
Anonymous said: I SCREAMED WHEN Y/N TOLD KIRI THE TRUTH. YES QUEEN. STAB AND TWIST THE KNIFE!
Anonymous said: ROSE AHHSHSJSKSD FUCK U I’m all hot and bothered with anticipation for pt 10 now 😩😩😩🥵
sydney--chan said: We really stan y/n for using her big ol brain to rock kiris world oh my god I yelled also I say what's your damage all the time bring that shit back
Anonymous said: a tae x yara spin off series or one shot...... haha jk..... unless..... 👀
Anonymous said: Fuck kiri's scheming ass. I'm glad YN ripped her a new one
Anonymous said: AAHHHHHH once again, I love this chapter so much!!!! I was screaming at Yara and Tae part. Seriously!!!! I am SURE she felt that spark when he kissed her. Is she going to be the one falling for the guy while he wants something casual now? Or maybe Tae will fall for her as well? Ahhhh so cute! I feel like that would be a nice spin off yk (no pressure, I swear). And Erik, woah I didn't expect him to be like that. To be so nice and wise. Great character development indeed! It was really nice (1/2)
Anonymous said: To see their interaction and the way he opened her eyes (for some reason I couldn't help but picture him as Namjoon). Ohhh the Kiri part tho!!!! I felt really petty but in the best way lol. Anywaysss I am really excited for the last chapter (really sad too) and I am sure it is going to be the best because you are a genius! Thank you for sharing another amazing chapter with us! ♥♥♥ (2/2)
Anonymous said: OKAY I absolutely adored Bitchin part 9 😻 I always thought that it was also OC fault for what happened between her and jk, he obviously was the main jerk but she never actually admitted her feelings to him and he doesn't read minds so??¿¿? Really loved that she came to understand it. And I was rooting SO MUCH for yara and tae MAN I AM CRYING THEY DESERVE IT 🙌🏻
Anonymous said: you came through with the tae x yara content we all needed omg thank you!! if anyone’s gonna make yara fall in love it’s tae lol
Anonymous said: I honestly lowkey hate bitchin’ jungkook right now. I thought I’d get over it but I just can’t imagine how hurt and disgusted Y/N was when she found out that jk and kiri were together just hours before they were like ugh. It doesn’t help that I’m also really interested in Erik’s character development now so it would’ve been really interesting to see how he’d fit in Y/N’s life. 🥺
Anonymous said: jungkook and y/n wANT what yara and tae have
Anonymous said: TAEYARA YES FINALLY OUR WISHES HAVE BEEN ANSWERED 😍😍
Anonymous said: just want to let you know you’re an absolute angel and all you create is nothing short of perfection. *sends you all of the love*
spring2787 said: I jus came from a 4 hour long class and it's finally here... Thank you so much dear 🎂 💜
Anonymous said: Is yara me ? Like when she said that boy act like they understand the no string involved but then fall in love , dude I felt that , that's literally the story of my life lmaoooo Like the number of time a dude told me yeah I'm okay with that and then acted shocked when I told him I didn't feel anything for him is impressive lmaoo Anyway I'm so eager for the last chapter!!!! you did an amazing job!!
kuhweenbri said: The way I already finished but anyways girl I absolutely loved this part and now I’m excited for the next part 😭😭 will we be seeing more of T-ara??
Anonymous said: OMG YARA AND TAEEEEEEEEE. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEANT BY FANSERVICE. JSJSJSJJSBXBSBSB But on a serious note, this fic just keeps on getting better. The fact that there's only one chapter left still hasn't come home to me 😭 but thank you so much for blessing us with this!💜💜
Anonymous said: YO! bitchin is flippin brilliant! you have done so well! jungkook broke my heart in part 9! im emotional but also so ready for part 10! please take your time. have a lovely day
Anonymous said: i don’t normally talk to writers on here but bitchin is really bitchin, i haven’t read a fanfic in so long that makes me excited to read the next part and maybe it’s because i’m so used to all of the aus being recycled but bitchin is truly a breathe of fresh air to me for some reason, maybe because you fleshed out the right hand mans for both characters idk or the it being a different time period, but i just wanted to say you are smashing bitchin dude and i love it!!
shy-kpop-girl said: BITCHIN': I just caught up on 8 & 9. Shocked & angry at JK. Because regardless of whether he knew y/n' feelings it was a dick move to sleep with Kiri one night and y/n the next morning. And it wasn't like he came over to talk/tell y/n about Kiri & things escalated because he went right at it as soon as she let him in. Even tho it was hot. 😳 But Erik. I wanted to hate him but dude surprised me with his reasoning. I loved that dialogue! Once again your writing is amazing & I love this story!
Anonymous said: Bitchin is the best fanfic on tumblr. And no one can change my mind. You’re doing amazing!! Much love xoxo
Anonymous said: “Think of life as one big puzzle and everyone you meet is shaped differently, right? Yet somehow… they fit. We find those that complete us. And they’re not necessarily opposites but—“ MAAM that part hit SOOO different omg your brain!?! Outta this world! Like this is whole ass literature!!!! I stg Bitchin’ is the best thing on this app and I meant that w my whole chest.
Anonymous said: I'm not ready for Bitchin to end. It's soooooo good 😍😍😍
kmultifandom said: Since there's a cast for bitchin I wanna audition for y/n because i wanna be a biologist and I have some similar personality traits *mic drop* Also great work, I seriously love it. No other fan fiction I have read was so close to my actual self and that impresses me even more and make it like it 10 times more djksksks
Anonymous said: how will I live when bitchin ends agghhh I haven’t even read 8-9 cause I’m waiting for the happy ending before I’m heartbroken and left waiting for the last part
Anonymous said: you know what would be super fun and crazy 😛😛🙈🙈 if you dropped bitchin’ pt 10 right now 😳😳 haha just kidding .... unless 😏😏
Anonymous said: lets gooooo!!!!!!!!!!! bitchin pt 10 better haunt me for the rest of the year
Anonymous said: I feel like I’m going to get so emotional once Bitchin’ part 10 is released. It’s like I’m sending off my non-existing kids to university because I won’t be able to see Bitchin!Jungkook anymore 🥺
Anonymous said: I can’t believe Bitchin’ is for real ending 😩 it’s soo gud 
Anonymous said: Can’t wait till bitchin PART 10 Probably gonna fall asleep before u post but I’ll try to stay up for it 🥺
Anonymous said: i love your writing honestly and i just really want you to be happy. your writing is immaculate and i really want you to know that you are talented and skilled so yeah. sorry if this is out of nowhere but i just really want to show appreciation to writers because they don't get enough and you are definitely my favorite writer:)) hope you have a good day!!
Anonymous said: okay but if Bitchin' goes on for 50 chapters that would be good too.. just sayin'.
tpo-quinn said: Bruh, I can already feel that I'm gonna cry from the last chapter of bitchin'...I CAN'T WAIT!
leojjeon said: so i've re-read bitchin ready for chapter 10 an I am feeling all sorts of emotions. it's fair to say it's my favourite series I've read!
Anonymous said: y did i forget bitchin would have an end like 😳😐we’ve been on this bitchin journey w u for so long i’m sad it’s over
Anonymous said: What what what?? Bitchin is ending??!!! Didnt it just fucking start like all the drama and tae&yara!!!! Omg girl!!!
Anonymous said: ur the absolute fucking GODDESS of writing angst, ive never ever waited for a ff to be updated before as if it was a new episode of my fav show coming out. thank u for writing and be so active, muah ur amazing
Anonymous said: a moment of silence for our loved bitchin who will die soon 😔 gone but not forgotten, she will always be in our hearts. all the best rides come to an end 😭
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Unromantic Love - Cubicles CYO Ending #5
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(As requested by readers, I’m posting all the endings for Cubicles! I hope you enjoy them, and I am excited to bring you more choose your own ending fics in the future. Shoot me a message if you want to be tagged. Stay tuned! xoxo, Bri)
The sun streamed in through your bedroom window and slashed right across your eye line, waking you instantly. You groaned, rolling over and trying to escape the golden heat. How had you gotten back to your bed? You held your phone up and blinked blearily. Multiple messages left on your voicemail. Sighing, you opened the visual voicemail app and found that you had 4 from unknown numbers and one from Lily. It was about 10 am and you didn’t usually show up at Lily’s until lunchtime, but you listened to her message first. She reminded you that she would be rather upset if you didn’t show up to Lazy Saturday, and to call her when you were on your way over. Lily also suggested a cold shower and lots of water, assuming you might be hungover. Unfortunately, she was correct.
You pressed the next message after that, sitting up in bed and noticing a glass of water on your night table. You were truly confused now. Suddenly, a man’s voice began speaking boisterously.
“Goooooood morning, dearest! This is James, your favorite co-worker! Just checking to see that you woke up alright and that you’re not still on a bender from last night! You were quite a riot! -chuckles- Anyhoo, I’m sure the rest of the lads will have left you messages because we’re all very chatty, but if you need anything, well… now you have my mobile! Thanks for making last night fun and well-decorated, see ya Monday!”
Oh, Merlin… what had you done to elicit such a bubbly response from James Potter? You grumbled again, getting up and heading to the loo to pop a few aspirins into your weakened body. You shook your head and pressed the next message, after registering James in your contacts.
“Shut up Prongs! Er… sorry Y/N love, you know how James can be! Just wanted to drop you a line and make sure you drink the water on your side table, yeah? You’ll definitely need it considering that third shot really threw you for a loop, I think. Very cute though, and that gave me an excuse to ring you and give you my mobile, didn’t it? Feel better, see you Monday, and please also apologize to your owl for our intrusion.”
WHAT?! You stared at your phone incredulously for a moment before scurrying out of the bathroom, down the hallway and into the kitchen, where your owl was asleep in his cage. The only thing amiss was that the door was open. Had… had the group been in your flat last night with you...unconscious? You’d had the guys over for dinner before, but that was entirely different and in your control. You paused for a moment, looking around wildly, before gasping aloud.
“Oh, Merlin’s knickers! I must’ve gone out on the lash and they had to bring me home. Oh no... how dreadfully embarrassing.” You sunk onto the kitchen floor with your head in your hands. Steeling yourself after a moment, you decided to play the last two messages, which you could only assume were from Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.
“Hi Y/N, it’s Remus from work. I’m calling to fill you in on what happened last night because I imagine the others will take the opportunity to say some silly, unhelpful things… oh shut it, you know you’re just using it as an excuse to… Sorry about that. Anyway, James and Sirius had a drinking contest with you and you were completely out of it afterward, so we decided to make sure you got back to your flat okay… We just looked at your ID to find your address and you had your key on you so… Sorry, I know it’s not really appropriate, but I… -coughs- we were all rather worried about you and they felt bad for basically poisoning you THAT’S HOW ALCOHOL WORKS LADS so we set you to bed and put water and the trash bin around in case you needed. Sorry again, and please give me a ring to let me know you’re okay. Cheers.”
Honestly, at this point, your life couldn’t get any worse. Not only had you thought it was a good idea to try to drink James and Sirius under the table, but you proceeded to roll off your trolley and need assistance making it back to your bed. You were honestly surprised that they all collectively decided to bring you back and take care of you, but they were basically your only close friends at work besides Lily. You dragged yourself off the floor and darted back to the loo, rushing to take a shower and get yourself somewhat together so you could Floo over to Lily’s flat in 20 minutes. You didn’t bother to put on real clothes, as you were just going to be lounging on the couch with Lily. As you cobbled together snacks to bring over, you played the final message.
“Why am I going last?! OH! Hullo Y/N! I hope you’re feeling better this morning. Not that you weren’t having fun last night hanging out with us at the party but you seemed pretty sick by the end of it… Moony probably already told you we brought you home and woke up your owl. You didn’t throw up though, and we made sure to leave you on your side so you’d be okay! That was my idea! Your flat is very nice, I really like your posters! WHAT?! WE WERE THERE, I’M NOT GONNA LIE ABOUT LIKING WHAT I SAW! ...Sorry, that sounded creepy. Your decorations, I meant… not that you’re not lovely too… ugh, I’ll shut up now. Anyway, Y/N, I’ll bring you extra sweets Monday to make up for us breaking-and-entering. We really are sorry, but friends don’t leave friends alone when they’re knackered! Have a great weekend! Oh, it’s Peter by the way! Bye!”
You were finished by the end of the message, and you were pretty damn sure you would never be able to look any of them in the eye again after that shitshow. It was pretty funny that they all seemed to have recorded their messages together and were yelling at each other during that. You stepped into your fireplace with a sigh and shouted for Lily’s flat. Green flames licked up over you and whooshed you away, spitting you out in the lobby of Lily’s apartment complex. You gave her a ring to let her know you were downstairs. In a few minutes, the redhead appeared, giving you a once-over that was rather like a mum who thought her child was up to something suspicious. You blinked at her and gestured to go upstairs, and she shook her head before acquiescing. Lily lived on the third floor… and was apparently pet sitting?
“Right, I um… I needed a favor from Potter for this upcoming piece I’m writing, so I was obliged to babysit his cat Algernon for the evening while the party was happening. He’s actually much more agreeable than Potter, and you know I love making new ginger friends.” Lily chuckled nervously as the orange cat called Algernon wove his way around your legs appreciatively. You gave her a pointed look before reaching down and scratching Algernon behind the ears. He pawed at your leg, so you walked through to Lily’s couch and sat down, with Algernon hopping up onto your lap. Lily took the bag of snacks you brought with you and laid the things out on the coffee table. You flipped on the tv and scrolled to Witchflix, too embarrassed to bring up last night’s incident to Lily.
“What did you want to watch Lils? I don’t think I’m in the mood for another romantic comedy, I’m not gonna lie. I think I could do some interior decorating or baking or something…” You took a sip of the water bottle you’d brought along, feeling somewhat better than you had earlier in the morning. Lily appeared from the kitchen with a bowl of Chex Mix and gave you a once over before she settled in with you and Algernon. She snatched the remote and rolled through her queue, making reactionary noises at everything before stopping and looking over.
“Okay, out with it. What happened last night? You look like hell, didn’t take the mickey out of me hosting Algernon, and you haven’t said much since you came in. Did someone make an awkward love confession to you? Better yet… was it more than one of them?” Lily chuckled at the end, but she was fairly serious when she questioned you. You sighed.
“I just got rather drunk and…” You gulped, remembering the voicemails from earlier. You knew Lily was going to roast you for them. “The boys had to bring me home and tuck me in. Spooked Aidoneus and apparently checked out my decorating scheme. Nothing major. Honestly, I shouldn’t have done shots with James and Sirius because they’re notorious for how trashy they are when they drink.” Lily listened silently the whole time before she closed her eyes and sighed.
“Honestly… that’s much better than I expected. Not that being carted home by a bunch of bozos from work is okay in my book, but considering none of them tried anything and you just blacked out and went to sleep, I’m pretty much fine with giving the whole night a pass. Plus that means I didn’t have to babysit you!” She stuck her tongue out at you and you smacked her with a nearby pillow, almost dislodging Algernon from your lap. She held up her arms in surrender, laughing. After a fair bit of ribbing between the two of you, you enjoyed the rest of the afternoon cuddled up and laughing at the flailing and friendships of Muggle British bakers, and didn’t think about boys or work at all. It was absolutely lovely.
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Credit to @ghost-of-bambi​ and @fetchalgernon for letting me borrow their boy!
Tag List
@supremequeenofthenerds​, @wizardwritings​, @couragetocontinue​, @fudgefight​, @lionnottheanimal​, @crtreg​, @shehassomuchsoul​, @formersovietunion​, @serenefreakgeek, @bibimagines​
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(In an effort to keep the “secret” element of the stories, I will only be linking to each ending in the main post, so check there if you want to read more endings!)
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Kwon Ji Yong, Boss Pt 15; Finale
Hello hello! I am finally posting the last part of my Boss Series... I hope you guys have enjoyed it so far, and I am really thankful to those who have told met that they enjoy it! I’m actually sad that I’m done with this series, and I am hoping to have lots more one shots and group reactions in the very near future.
Please enjoy this last part my lovelies! XOXO~
Waking up with Ji Yong’s arms wrapped around you, his sweet scent filling your nose you force your sleepy eyes open. He was already awake watching you with a smile on his face. “Sleep babygirl. You need it.” He started to slide off the bed. “I’ll make breakfast and make sure work knows I’m not coming in today.”
“Noo… Stay.” You sluggishly grab his arm, grumbling and tugging on him. “I almost didn’t get to come home. I want to cuddle with you.” Giving in to your adorable sleepiness, Ji Yong climbed back into the bed. “Okay okaaay.” Pulling yourself closer to him, you nuzzled your face against his neck. “Oppa. I’m so sleepy…” You manage to say, before slipping back into a blissful sleep. He watched as your eyes moved, lips smiling a tiny bit. “She smiles in her sleep.” He noted, with a chuckle. The urge to pee suddenly shot through his body, so he slipped into the bathroom.
“No! No! Don’t do this!” Your screams suddenly echoed in the room, and he rushed out to see you still asleep, thrashing and crying. “Baby! Sweetheart!” Ji Yong wrapped his arms around you, stroking your soaking hair. The shaking subsided and you began to whimper; but realizing that he was holding you, your arms grabbed ahold of him tightly. “What happened?! You’ve never had such bad night terrors.” The concern in his voice was a little shaky. “I was dreaming. A good dream, you and I… In the backyard, playing with our kids, when HE showed up. Took my babies and suddenly you were gone, and everyone was gone. I was alone with him, back in that tiny house. Trying to force me…” Ji Yong shushed you.
“Don’t worry. He isn’t here. He is going to be gone for a long long time. I won’t leave your side. Sleep until you feel better okay?” He laid down, next to you, holding your still shaking body in his arms. No matter what it took, no matter the cost, he would make sure you never felt this way again.
               6 months later
Everything had slowly gotten better. Over the months, you had some therapy just to get the bad memories into a place of acceptance. As you are getting a meal ready in time for your boyfriend and 4-year-old son to be home, the smell of garlic suddenly hits you, sending a nauseous shiver down your spine. Rushing into the bathroom you bent over the toilet for what had been the 30th time that week. Groaning, you flushed the vomit and leaned against the counter pondering your mind. Picking up your phone with an idea you texted Ji Yong to stop by the pharmacy and grab some pregnancy tests.
When he got home, he rushed into the bathroom, waving the box around carrying about 3 more in the bag. “Are you sure?! Is it true?!” He gasped all out of breath. “Babe, I don’t know yet, give me that box.” He handed the box over, closing the door and sitting on the edge of the tub. “If this is really happening, oh! I can’t wait!” His excitement was contagious, and a part of you dreaded the test being negative. Ji Yong had been wanting a baby for so long, and having him get the tests probably wasn’t the best idea.
After peeing on the stick, you set the timer. With 3 minutes to go, Ji Yong bit his lip, “Baby, even if we aren’t pregnant I’ll still be happy. That just means we have another chance to try again, until we have a second child here.” The timer went off and you took a deep breath. “Its...” You flipped it over and you both looked at it, realization sinking in. “Positive?” He questioned. Nodding you stopped him mid-celebration. “We need to make a doctor’s appointment to actually confirm it and, we also need to know how long its been…” As you listed off everything important that needed to be done, he stopped you, and looked down into your eyes. “We’re most likely having a baby. Let’s just enjoy the moment, the fact that we have created yet another perfect being.”
Chuckling, you kissed him gasping as he lifted you up. Wrapping your legs around him as he walked to the bed. “Oppa! What are you doing?” You laughed, biting your lip as he laid you down. “Just in case, just to make sure that we are having a baby.” He winked, as he took off his shirt and started kissing your neck, his hard-on still growing as his fingers began teasing your already heated core. Ji Yong hummed as you tried to hide your moans. “Don’t be quiet.” He whispered in your ear, nibbling on your earlobe. “Your friends are all like 4 rooms down, eating in the dining room. You know the same ones you call your security team?”
A sly grin crossed his lips. “Princess, what makes you think that that’ll stop me?” He went back to teasing you with his fingers.
“Scream for me.” His voice lowered, sending shivers down your back.
He began to kiss down your body, but you stopped him. “As much as I need you, in all kinds of ways… It’s time I pay you back for all those times you made me feel good.” Having him sit, you knelt in front of him, a shy smile on your lips. You could tell how much he was anticipating this, just by the look that had pooled in his eyes. Taking him in your hand, you looked up at him, “If I do something wrong, or it doesn’t feel good tell me okay?” A nod came in response, and you hesitantly brought your lips to his throbbing member. Taking him in your mouth, just a little bit you heard him groan slightly and began to go further down his length, little by little. “Little faster.” His voice moaned out, as he tried hard to not buck into your mouth. As you sped up, his hands found your hair, and he gently started guiding you a bit further down. Avoiding choking, you hummed, which was something you had stumbled upon when reading random Cosmo magazines online. Moans, and “fuck” and “yes…” were falling out of Ji Yong’s mouth as you helped him get closer to finishing. “I don’t want to cum in your mouth.” He said, pulling away from you. Biting your bottom lip, you stood and pulled off your panties. “Okay.” You watched him as he kept himself going with his hand, and then stopped him as you had him move back further on the bed and straddled his lap. “Well?” You tilted your head smirking at him.
Ji Yong pushed himself into your slick core, and then laid back as you lowered your body all the way. “Oh shit…” He gasped at the sudden movement. His body tried to slam upwards, but you held him down with your hands. “You’re in control baby girl.” He managed to say between his moans. You slowly began moving up and down, teasing him to see just how much he could take. He was gripping the sheets in an attempt to keep himself from taking control. “Go ahead.” You whispered and instantly he had you on your back, moving in and out of you. Gasping out his name you both hit your high at the same time, riding them out as long as possible. Ji Yong collapsed next to you, chest heaving his eyes looking into yours. “Well…” He laughed as you blushed. “No matter how many times we do this, you always blush, and you always look like an angel.”
Humming, you giggled and cuddled up against him. “I love you so much.” Kissing you gently he whispered against your lips, “I love you too.”
The Next Day
Ji Yong’s knee was going crazy, as you both waited in the chairs outside the doctor’s office. “Sweetheart, calm down.” You giggled as he groaned impatiently for the hundredth time. “They’ll call us when its our turn.” Almost as if by magic, the nurse stepped out and called your names. Standing and walking over to her, she led you to a room. “You’re here to see if you are pregnant, correct?” Upon hearing the chorused yes, she wrote some stuff down, and left saying the doctor would be with you shortly.
After tests and tons of questions, you were told to wait once again in the waiting room. They were conducting a few tests to make sure that you were pregnant, and it was agony. Finally, the time came where they called your names once again. The doctor looked down at the chart, and then back up at you. “Congratulations. You are indeed having a baby.”  Excitedly, Ji Yong swept you up into a hug, lifting you up off the ground. “Yes! I’m gonna be daddy!” He cheered, jumping up and down. After having gone to fill out some paperwork, you both agreed on inviting his dad and mom over for dinner to tell them.
When dinner time rolled around, you could barely contain your excitement. Ji Yong stood and told everyone sitting that we had an announcement to make. His dad and mom looked up curiously, while our friends all gave me a look. “Today,” He began taking your hand and having you stand beside him, “We found out that we are having a baby.” Cheers and laughter filled the room as everyone congratulated you both. “And,” He said once everyone had quieted down. “Baby, I love you. I was going to wait until next week, but I just can’t. I’ve put this off too many times already.”
Kneeling, Ji Yong pulled out a ring box and smiled as you slapped your hands over your mouth. “The first time I saw you, was your interview. I saw you from where I was observing above the waiting area. You were so nervous pacing back and forth, mumbling to yourself. I had never met you and yet, I wanted to go down and pull you into my arms. Tell you not to worry.” Tears had begun to form as he opened the box and set it down on the table taking both of your hands in his. “Ever since that day, I knew you were someone special. That you were going to change my life somehow. I got even more than I thought when you agreed to date me, and let me into you and Y/S’s life. I love you so much more than I can even express. Please, marry m-.” Before he could even finish his sentence, you had gasped yes, a hundred times and then kissed him. Ji Yong stood, sliding the ring onto your finger and smiled down at you. His family and your friends congratulated you guys once again, and Y/S was dancing around chanting “We’re gonna have a baby! We’re gonna have a wedding!”
Once everyone had gone home, and you and Ji Yong had both settled down in front of the TV, you sighed and looked at him a smile on your lips. “You know I have no idea how I survived before meeting you. I never thought someone would be able to love me, the way you love me. Or that I would ever be treated the way you treat me.” A kiss on your forehead, followed by, “Well you better believe it.” Brought a chuckle from both of you.
You had finally found the one for you. Your soulmate.
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reyskyber · 6 years
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The 100 ask game
I was tagged by my bae @asroarke.  But it was like 6am and I was on mobile.  (I got some pretty weird looks at the bus stop while I was near cackling at your answers Alex omg!)
rules: answer as many as you want if tagged and then tag three more people OR just reblog it and treat it as a regular ask meme!! have fun xoxo
1. What would you get arrested for on the Ark? So I thought about this a lot, I’d be shouting at my siblings for doing shitty scottish accents or singing wonderwall at me and I’d scream and someone would hear me and then I’d go to prison for helping my mum to harbour extra people.
2. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground? Um, maybe?  I probably would to get food but I doubt I’d pull a Finn and try and take it off for the sake of it.
3. What would the necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh..) a fox?  idk tbh if finn gave me a necklace I’d give it right back
4. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be? WELLS JAHA omg
5. Create a squad of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they? Bellamy bc he seems to be the only one who can drive the rover?  Raven because she’s amazing does this even need a reason? Monty because we could geek out over plants even tho i hate biology.  Jasper just so I could keep him safe.  I feel like if I include Clarke I’m asking for trouble since her and Bellamy can’t get in the rover together without some kind of accident happening.  But I love her with all my heart and we’d need her.
6. Minty or Briller? Minty for life, I just didn’t like Bryan :/
7. What would your name be in Trigedasleng? (example: Octavia=Okteivia…just make it up!): Iylah(?) I’m juts using Niylah without the N, soo
8. Thoughts on Finn? Omg don’t get me started.  I just don’t understand how you can grow up with Raven Reyes and fall in love with her and have her love you back and then get to earth and act as if she doesn’t exist?  Granted, I am also a sucker for beautiful blonde girls, but I’m not dating Raven Reyes sooo.  I think my main problem with Finn was how he was always like “yeah, Clarke I know I didn’t tell you about Raven but I miss you.”  or “Raven, you’re telling me I hurt your feelings?  But what about my feelings?”  Like he was just so self centred.  I’m gonna stop rn before I make this entire post about Finn.
9. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does? Idk really, probably really easy because I literally follow what everyone else is doing at all times.  If they advertised it as a fashion thing oh boy, I’d be right there.
10. What character do you relate to most & What character do you like the least not including the obvious ones like Pike, etc…  I once did two of those “which character are you?” quizes, and I got Clarke in one and Bellamy in the other.  I think i’m more like Bellamy though, in that I’d do anything for my family and I go with my emotions rather than thinking things through first.  Also riddled with regret and guilt. Idk about liking the least, I personally don’t like Niylah but I really don’t know why?  She’s a really well done character and everything but idk something doesn’t sit right with me and I can’t put my finger on it (?)
11. Describe your delinquent outfit: Black skinny jeans, but that’s a given.  I think a t shirt like Clarke’s and then either her iconic s2 leather jacket or Raven’s red bomber jacket bc I love them both.  And the combat boots that everyone has.  And I think I’d style my hair like Raven’s bc it’s so pretty.
12. Favorite type of mutant animal? Pauna idk? 
13. What would your job be on the Ark? making food with the Greens.  I’d be the judgy older friend that told Monty and Jasper not to do drugs but then just rolled my eyes when they did it anyway.
14. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked it? If Abby asked me to jump from the top of the tower in Polis I would do it with little to no hesitation.
15. If Lexa wasn’t Heda, then who would make the best commander? Anya, she always deserved better <3
16. If you were a grounder, then where would you live and who would be your mentor? Just for purely selfish reasons: Azgeda so I could train with Echo.
17. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty? I get headaches from smelling weed near me so I’m terrible near any kind of drug, I think I’d end up like Jasper and get really scared of something that wasn’t there, or go the complete other way and discuss changing the tides with Monty.
18. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? I’mma leave that for Clarke and Bellamy.  I would not be involved in that conversation at all.  Sort of like Finn, just stood at the side watching them eye fuck each other.
19. Who should be the Chancellor, if anyone? I really loved Abby as chancellor, and Kane.  That being said, Kane, Abby, and Jaha all have a tendency to still be going for “adults vs kids” when it comes to problem solving, so maybe have one of the 100 as chancellor?  But everyone’s in the bunker now so idk how relevant that is?
20. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s Ipod)What is the one thing you would snatch while there? I would grab Maya’s ipod so fast, I hope she has good taste in music.
21. Do you think you’d have caught the virus spread through camp or would you have been immune like Octavia? I’mma touch wood rn but I’ve never actually had the flu or anything so I think I might have a strong immune system??
22. What would your grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint? I like the swirling ones that Lincoln had so maybe some like that?  For hairstyle I’d go for Octavia in s2 because that’s a look.  And I doubt I’d be going to war so no war paint for me.
23. Favorite quote? She stopped being a kid they day you sent her down here to die.
24. Can you forgive Murphy for his actions? How about Bellamy? Yes and yes.
25. If one of the characters was in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning? I think Murphy would have a really good shot, like he’d trick everyone into thinking he was dead or something and then he’d murder them all while they were asleep or something.
26. Least favorite ship? Favorite ship? NOT INCLUDING CLEXA OR BELLARKE. Still not set on Clarke and Niylah, but like I said that’s bc of some weird thing I’ve got against Niylah that I’ve not figured out yet.  Obvs bellarke are my faves, but other than that I really like Minty and Braven because their dynamics are both really interesting and I love them <3
27. A song that should be included in the next season, like when Radioactive was? So, I thought about this a lot.  I really wanted a slow or instrumental/guns n roses version of knockin’ on heaven’s door for the bellarke reuinion. BUT the lyrics and the meaning of that song were really important for 216.  So, what if they played knockin’ on heaven’s door again but like at the end of s5 after someone (maybe octavia) dies or something???  Or like in the middle of the war?
28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murphy for all that time? He’d make jokes, I’d laugh, he’d scowl, repeat for the next 5+ years 
29.Opinion on Emori? Roan? Loved Emori in s4, hyped to see her in s5.  OMFG do not.  Roan did not deserve to die, and death by drowning?? I thought we were gonna have a call back to 302 when he tried to drown Clarke and she thought she was done and he jumped back out in typical extra Roan style.  Then we could have had some really good Roan/Octavia scenes where they talked about Bellamy???
30. Would you want to be an extra that is killed off in a brutal way? Not really, can I not just survive in the background like Shawn Mended? 
31. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of? I’m gonna agree with Alex on this one and say we needed back story on Roan.  But I’d also like to see more of the Jahas, like what happened to Wells’ mum and what Wells did to get on the dropship.  What were things like when Diana was chancellor???
32. A character you’d bang? So many, that’s a whole other post tho.
I’m gonna tag @the-most-beautiful-broom, @bellamyblake-kru, and @nathanmillers (sorry if you guys have already done this <3)
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Episode 6: a good stabbing tool - Jessie
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Josh leaving was total shit tbh. He was one of the people I trusted in this game. I had a feeling he would be screwed over though just realizing he was in minority. Tim is probably running things over there like he always does, and I don’t know why people never want to take him out. Like he really needs to go. He’s just going to find another idol and play it the next time someone targets him. 🤦🏼‍♂️
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Okay so its round 6 and NOT round 4. I have not done a whole hell of a lot this game tbh, but lets recap. So where i am is i fell asleep round 1 and failed to vote in the 21 person mess,  but i would of genuinley voted billy so its okay. Then my swap tribe i got into a small mess and thought i was at risk but got a 3 with dan and Liv and then a 4 with daulton, grace and Liv
so basically liv is my ride or die in this game and he is a FANTASTIC ally, i just have to get back to him. Weary of zach but knowing damn well he is a fallback ally if needed because of TS and my F2 with him. I know basically everyone in this game so i have a major advantage with connections and dont need to start learning about people as some people already have a great idea of me. Anyways the Chips vote i was at a friends house so i just made sure i was good and dipped but that vote was really simple.  Swapping after that round i got dead last pick....which is very concerning for my life in this game, but i got savannah and gavin, two allies who i am very happy to have here, gavin is another close ally who i worked well with in the past so im picking that up, and i hosted and enjoyed Savannah so im using that line to help me here to gain at least a 3-3, maybe a 4-2. I know my path aint gonna be easy here but i just gotta start talkin and get myself any advantage i can
like knowing RTP and i are both knife holders now. got a lot of work ahead of me but now this is my focus. time to watch me shine
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lmao at this rate with one person posting an hour we’re getting dead last
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yo we did bad bad lmao. I kinda figured we were going to lose, but damn, that sucked haha. I am very tempted to search for the idol, but also, I don't really think I will need one? In my fantasy me, Daulton, and Livingston vote together seamlessly to stay in the game. Ideally, I would like Liam to go bc he turned out to be a little shady and was willing to put a second vote on me last round. I just think that he has the potential to do it again. The other thing in the back of my mind too is that Austin told me about his power to get rid of two votes.... which is spicy and definitely something I want to keep close to my chest. I feel like I could in theory use it as leverage against him, but if he senses danger, he could easily use it and him and Liam could vote for me this round. So that's a no go. I also kinda have a soft spot for Austin, so I don't want to do that to him ahah. I think that this round is going to be really telling as far as where allegiances actually lie. I almost feel less worried knowing that I have no way of saving myself (unless I can convince Austin to use his power to save me) this round. It's rather peaceful knowing that I don't have shit to save myself, so I can play a little more loyal and not get too cracked about idols and shit.
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The plot motherfuckin thickens!!!! Austin has a HUGE power haha I think it's a little bit over powered but akfjalksj. He now has a power that cancels 3 votes of his choosing... This could get really spicy for me. Austin wants to target Livingston, which... is interesting. He told me that Livingston and Savanna know one another in real life, which is no bueno for me. I want to be Livingston's #1 not someone he knows in real life. BUT I just can't vote him out. He has been really good to me. So I could force a tie between Livingston and Austin if Austin uses his power and then just vote Austin out on the revote? Ugh I have no fucking idea.
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I HATE that we lost. 😭 I genuinely love everyone on the Macneil Tribe, and now I have to vote one of them out. I have made a group that consists of a Macneil majority with Livingston, Dan, and myself, and the plan is to vote out Austin which does suck because I love him. But I do love Liam more, and if I can get my way in any decision that is made, it’s a good tribal. I’m just hoping no funny business is going to happen tonight lmao.
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Woot woot. 
- wise words from someone i know
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So I’m a little late hoping on the confessional train probably because I’ve been high key safe for a good chunk of this game . 
About probably ten minutes before I started writing the “Merps.” Alliance was former .
It’s Me, Maynor and Keaton.
I trust Maynor a lot and  I don’t plan on voting him out.
Gavin got thrown out of the tribe chat.
Rip him. 
He’s probably gonna be back after tribal unless we merge or switch tribes again. 
This games actually been pretty laid back but I won’t complain I enjoy it a lot .
I have a machete from my daily searches which is super cool.
Who doesn’t love a good stabbing tool that I could gut the killer open with ?
I’m currently trying to figure out what exactly the plan for tribal is .
I mean there’s only five of us on the tribe since Gavin got yeeted to wherever .
I wonder what path would grant me random safety o.o
I also have a flashlight so that’s cool to I guess .
Anyways I just wanted to get some sort of thought out there in case it is me that goes tonight .
Like it’s round six so if could I want to have a confessional.
If the killer does kill me tonight you bet I fought them .
Forever vibing and hopefully not dying in this game tonight ?
Xoxo 
Jessie 🪓
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I feel like I’m unnecessarily nervous about the vote tonight ugh. I feel like things have fallen into place easier than they should.... austin is using his power, which makes me nervous about voting for him because then it’s super obvious that I’m the one who did him in. But also, I feel like I need to stay true to the people I’ve been with since basically the start (Livingston and Daulton) so I’m just really sad. I would really prefer Liam to go over Austin, but at the same time it’s just not gonna happen. I don’t want to risk losing people I have that strong of a bond with. I’m fairly certain if it’s a tie vote between Austin and Livingston, that Liam and Daulton will vote for Austin to go. It’s all so scary because this could be a shot at me, but if it is, it’s a good shot to take and I won’t even be mad about it. 
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Well, they got me gals! It has been such a PLEASURE playing this game. I feel like as of late I’ve taken games sooooo seriously. This game reminded me of the old days when things were simple haha. The hosting was INCREDIBLE! Keegan, Rachael, and Abri are the most incredible, warm human beings I’ve ever encountered and I will so dearly miss their spirit. To the rest of my cast members, I just want to say a big thank you. I’m thanking you all for being so warm and receptive to me in this game and for making me believe in this stupid community again. This is now a Daulton, Livingston, Liam, and Austin stan account.
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bonbunbon · 6 years
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d-1: realisation
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trigger warning: mental health, different types of mental health and the effects it had on me ((please be sure you are able to read through this without being triggered.))
it’s currently 12:03AM and i had just finished watching stray kids episode 8. 
it honestly shattered me. when felix was eliminated, it felt like my soul had broken alongside his. there was always a strange feeling i had whenever i saw felix. i felt like i connected with him and strangely related in his struggles and anxieties. 
the moment jyp left the room, everyone had burst into tears. same with me; i found myself crying uncontrollably and it as probably because it triggered some painful memories. it really hit me when i realised that as felix was eliminated, he had his seven members there with him, hugging him and crying for him--and that’s when i realised that i don’t have that kind of support system.
in australia, well, i’m only speaking for queensland, the school system has a four-term year. 
it really all started in grade 7 where i began my struggles with anxiety and depression. that eventually escalated to where i started self-harming. now, i didn’t receive any help until late last year, where my parents started to become aware of how bad my mental health and situation was. currently, i am in grade 11 and so this has been ongoing for 5 years now. 
it was not until term 3 of this year where i started having panic attacks. it got so bad to the point where everyday, i was missing an hour of class because i would be in the bathroom, struggling to breathe, rubbing at the heavy pain in my chest and trying to keep as quiet as i could so no-one would notice anything. 
at that point, i still had friends. at that point, i felt like i had someone to lean on. but due to the severity of my panic attacks, all my exams and assessments were cancelled for that term. now, that was when i felt the onroll of subtle passive aggressive jealousy from my friends. well, ex-friends now. 
i knew they were stressed out and dealing with their own problems but to find out that none of my assessments counted toward my final mark and my exams cancelled must have caused an onslaught of feelings of resentment and anger. i knew they sort of held it against me, putting the light of ‘playing as the victim’ on myself to get out of this situation. 
and i blamed myself for my friends hating me. but looking back on it, it really was a time where i had trouble functioning as a human being. i couldn’t be by myself in fear of having bad thoughts entering my mind and then continuing to hound me with vicious voices telling me i’m worthless, i should go kill myself and that i mean nothing to everyone. my chest was in constant pain, my hands were trembling and the loud obnoxious thoughts were keeping me distracted from what was really happening.
that was when i began withdrawing from my friends. it was also during the exam period, where everyone was stressed out and no-one had time to be talking and gossiping. it was all about studying hard and getting the best grades possible. after the exam block, it would move straight into holidays.
and i was never that person to hang out with friends on the holidays that often. it was also the time where i felt so much shame, i couldn’t face them. i was ashamed of myself for having panic attacks, for being anxious around large crowds of people, for always being sad and not knowing why. i was so ashamed i couldn’t even text them. 
but they never even bothered to text me.
and so i thought it was normal. i was lonely, but it was normal to me, i didn’t realise that this would be the start of the end of our friendship. and so we go on in life, term 4 starting and i found myself alone during school time. 
sure, we had classes together and we sat together, but it felt like i was the ghost. i was being left out of conversations, ignored when i spoke up and i still thought it was ‘normal’. 
i thought they didn’t want to deal with my bullshit since whenever i had panic attacks, and i would look to them in desperate need of comfort, they’d scoff and roll their eyes and pretend that nothing was wrong.
i still thought that was ‘okay’ and ‘normal’.
so i withdrew myself even more, not wanting them to have to deal with me and my problems. i didn’t want to be a burden, a bother to them. 
and eventually, it was time to be slapped with the cold hard truth. 
“guys, are we friends anymore?”
“...oh, i’m not sure bonnie, why don’t you tell us?”
“was it something i did wrong? i can fix this if you would let me know.”
“well, for starters, stop being such an attention whore of a bitch and figure it out yourself.”
“just know, we don’t hate you bonnie, but you need to stop acting like the victim all the time.”
“we still want to be friends with you bonnie, you just don’t want to be ours.”
“we’re always here if you need us bonnie.”
it hurt like a bitch, what they said to me. i cried and cried and relapsed with self-harming because the emotional pain was too much to bear. 
i cut ties with them after that. it was clear that they didn’t want to be my friends. friends wouldn’t say such harsh and hurtful things. they don’t bitch behind your back. they don’t exclude you and then continue to rub it in your face that you weren’t invited. they don’t talk about things really loudly and then proceed to look at you with mock and say, “oh, sorry, you don’t know about this. we’re not gonna explain to you what happened, so stay out of it.”
and going back to felix’s elimination, i realised how beautiful it was. to have members, friends, brothers to embrace you and comfort you in times of despair. and it really stung when i realised that i don’t have anyone who would do that for me. after i was there for them through thick and thin. when no-else gave a shit, i was there. i’m woken up at the ungodly hours of the morning to them calling me, crying and i would stay on the phone with them for hours, until they fell asleep.
and yet, when i needed them, they didn’t even bat an eyelash in my direction. 
it hurts. it really hurts, knowing that i’m lonely. that i don’t have friends. and the one person i’m seeking love from, the man that saved me from falling so deep back into my depression: roman, he makes me so nervous and insecure.
but i know i need him in my life. he’s the reason i’m smiling and continuing on.
maybe i’ll post another blog post on how i met roman and gush about him. gosh, i adore him so much i would do anything for him.
anyhow, i’m so grateful that felix had the members around him and supported him. i really hope he is able to debut with the others. and minho as well.
that’s the start of bonnie’s day series. this day series is basically my day-to-day ramble session, where i just blabber whatever is on my mind to help cope with my anxiety and depression. 
if you’ve taken the time to read this. i thank you so much and i hope you have a happy day where you are surrounded by your loved ones. if not, please feel free to talk to me. i will always lend a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on. i am the last person to judge, so if you need someone, that someone could be me. c:
bless, 
bonnie xoxo
17/12/10 12:48AM
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gsmatthews95 · 5 years
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A journey to the heart of Bavaria
A DOUBLE POST. I'm so sorry I actually forgot to post the last piece I wrote last week.... I've been busy... Actually not really... More lazy I'd say, however not as lazy as many may lead me to believe as I post my ultimate and final piece of this epic five month literary masterpiece that has explained, over exaggerated and immortalized the past, and last, five months of this trip. It has been momentous. It has spanned many a country. There has been fun. There has been culture. There has been beers. It has been exceptional, however, as I write this in the departure terminal of Berlin tegel airport heading home for the first time in 13 months, I am excited to be heading home. There is trepidation, a new era of my life awaits, but, the thought of seeing people I haven't seen for over a year, seeing my family, seeing Roland and even seeing the yids been barca at Wembley is driving me on. Possibilities is the word of the day. Deep I know, I'm just writing this so you don’t judge me so much when I write the actual meaty part of this article, which will be arriving imminently. I'll post now on the back of a few weeks in ze Deutscheland, mainly in Berlin but with a few days down in deep Bavaria, doing all things German. Yes everything. This involved: beers, hiking, eating sausage, saying tchussi, looking at pretty buildings, obeying j walking rules, discussing brexit, meeting an old friend and, oh yes I remember, drinking more beers st Oktoberfest. It was very fun.
As I headed down on my flixbus, I anticipated what these 3 and a half days had in store for me, I was excited, raring to get started and seeing Manuel, who I hadn't seen for 4 and a half years. Wow long. Would we still be friends? Would we recognize each other? Would he find me as intensely irritating as the majority of the rest of the world? After all lots has changed in the last 5 years, and I mean lots. I feel like a new person post gap year, uni and second gap year. It was unbelievably comforting therefore, to realise immediately, literally within 3 seconds, how nothing had changed. Conversation was never forced, all was comfortable and he had a good plan, now I knew it would be a good trip. The first evening was uneventful. Not bad by any means, exactly what we needed in fact, a whistle stop tour of Munich, a taste of the local beer brewed next to the monastery manu went to school in, ye that local and our first maaaaaaaas (1 liter of beer, yummy) before we headed back to tegensee (is that how you spell it) but Ill get to that. First I need to briefly mention a phenomenon I've never seen before and even after explanation from manu before we got there, something I had no idea what to expect. Dont expect to understand  it just reading this, apologies. So it is an artificial wave on the river in the middle of Munich. It is maybe 10 meters wide and is always going. It is a mecca for surf bums from apparently all around the world. World famous in the surfer dude world. Rad eh? Or gnarly? I dunno I don't surf. It was however, EXTREMELY impressive as they surfed from side to side rapidly, doing their little tricks and jumps for the ever growing crowd who. Completely ignoring privacy ideas, filmed the whole lot. This included yours truly as I filmed a wee vid for memories sake. That was cool. The rest of Munich is beautiful. The building are all nice, well up kept and most importantly, colourful. I like colourful and painted buildings. Oh yeah we also climbed up a church to get a nice panoramic view of the city, very nice if not a wee bit tiring and sweaty. Anyhow, in tegensee we visited the famous tegensee brewery and even saw the monastery Manuel was educated in, very cute. We also consumed another beer and half a pig together as we munched down two bangin meals, George approved. Manu, day 1 was successful. 
On to day 2. With an early night under our belts it was an early (read early as: 9am) start as we prepared for a hike. Ooo exercise. The fourth of Manu's week, the second of my month maybe. Having arrived in the dark I couldn't see the surroundings of the house as such I had a rough idea of what I  might expect but these expectations were far below the reality as I woke up in awe of the landscape surrounding the house. I can only describe it as living in the Alps. Which is literally where we were. The mountains towered on all sides of us with the Xmas trees adorning each summit. Sadly no snow. Although this made for a much more enjoyable, Clear and warm hike. So usually when heading on a six hour hike in the alps you may need to drive somewhere first or get a bus or train. With kreuth, this is not the case. From the back door we wandered thru the picturesque, tiny alpine hamlet towards our everest. The hike was beaut. Not too strenuous, but hard enough and long enough to make us feel like we got our exercise for the holiday and give us a carte Blanche for Oktoberfest he he he. It was the classic situation when the tourist is stopping for photos every two minutes as each view gets better than the previous. The sun was shining the mountains were infinite and there was barely anyone there, a perfect threesome some would say. Having only got lost once (and only slightly) and with me only asking "are we there yet twice?" We hit the summit. EXITO. A very nostalgia moment from the glory days of bariloche in Argentina. Off came the shirts, out came the sandwiches and the sunbathing began. It was lush. When fully whelmed we headed for a beer at a little chalet thing. And headed home in anticipation of meeting a new puppy and then oktoberfesting. So the best surprise of the trip was undoubtably the datshund (sausage dog) puppy. Oh my lord he was adorable. So small. So scared and so perfect. He was amazing. With a little brown beard and brown feet he was the epitome of perfection to me, sadly all good things have to come to an end and this good thing was cut so cruelly short as we rushed to catch the train to Munich for some beers in lederhosen. The journey continued up to the next chapter which will most probably be written in less adoring detail as the details blur slightly and tales become less "travel blog worthy"....
Our destination in Munich was Manu's friend, Georg's house. Pronounced gay-org. So we had a Georg and a George, a nice meeting of cultures... Or just two similar names from different countries. He was at Oktoberfest however, so our plan was to get to his apartment, get let in by a friend, put on the lederhosen (I was wearing Manuel's brothers), get drunk enough for a club and then find the after club. We did this all very successfully if I say so myself drinking g n t with ice, being classy while saving money and time. The night was good as we wandered to the club thru the swathes of drunk oktoberfesters and had a boogy. This led us to the next morning. The real Oktoberfest. It was an early kick off, 9:30am, heavy. We donned the lederhosen, got some beers and begun the day of fun. Georg managed to talk his way into the main tent, no mean feat, highly impressive and then also managed to worm us two in with him after a few lengthy discussions. My hat was off to him, highly impressive bullshitting ability. The tent was big, loud and there were a lot of beers. It was heavy and passed with lots of fun and a few incidents. The rest of the evening and night passed as such and I feel the contents of this period is not best suited for this blog, lol. Leave y'all hanging! Don’t worry as this is the last piece I'm sure I'll be the only reader anyway. I'm writing this post really for the first few more cultural days anyhow. 
The next morning started eventfully again as we woke up in an unfamiliar bed and had to wander back to the living room where mine and Manuel's allocated beds were. This marked the beginning a quintessential hangover day. Very slow, painful and unproductive as we reconsidered our lives, contemplated our life decisions and made promises to our future selves. It was amusing as we wandered from place to place aimlessly, just looking for grass and shade by the end. As it all became a bit tiring for our brains and legs we decided the sofa was the best place for our miserable bodies and we returned to watch the full extended edition of LOTR the two towers. It was epic and it led me perfectly up till my night bus back to Berlin. All in all a smashing few days in Munich hosted immensely by Georg and Manuel. Cheers boys. Oh yeah and I slept very well on the night bus home. Literally the full 8 hours. It was a perfect night bus as it left at 11:15 and got in around 7-7:30. Short but all spent asleep. George approved greatly. This trip was a nice final outing of what can only be described as an absolute belter of a year.
Now onwards and upwards as I look to move out permanently and find a nice enjoyable job that pays the bills. Also I'm gonna try and post this from the plane because I get ten minutes free WiFi and I couldn't imagine a better use of that than updating this bad boy.
G over and out for the last time for a little while. Hopefully not too long. I look forward to our next meet.
G. XOXO
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I didn’t die in the Outback!
Lots of surviving to get to the thriving 
Hello! So the day before I left for this trip I had my third field trip and we went to the wildlife sanctuary to do our ropes course. It was really cool because we learned to clip ourselves into each part of the course so we were free to go on without guides and then we were up in the trees doing ziplines and rickety ass swing steps and stuff. The coolest part was a long zipline over the kangaroos and crocodiles in the park. 
Okay so Kelsey and I honestly had no idea what the itinerary for the Outback trip was because #fuckStudentFlights but we had the general info we needed. So Friday morning we were up at 3 am to go to the airport and take a 6 AM flight to Sydney then flew to Ayer’s Rock airport. We got off the plane in Ayer’s Rock and it was Africa hot. We found our tour group and got on the bus and everyone looked like death and I was like okay great start! (Found out later they had been driving for hours and were up at 4:30). We got to the Cultural Center and started to realize they aren’t kidding when they say the outback is the land of 10 billion flies. Back on the bus and we get to know our tour guide, Tahnee. She’s maybe 24 years old and Australian. She is so cool and fun and has been a tour guide for this company for a year and a half but wants to do something new so is just picking up and moving to Cambodia to tour guide. But we were her last tour and so she said “Guys I’m gonna change up the itinerary a little bit to make it as awesome as possible for you and me. Just trust me.” So I’m like okay Tahnee let’s go girl. We had 23 people in our bus and everyone was awesome. Two from Australia (including Tahnee’s best friend Mel who came for her last tour), some Swiss, Italian, German, Danish, British, Chinese, and Kelsey and me from the US. 
So our first hike on Friday was in the middle of the day and it was HOT. Also Kelsey and I had been up for a long time so it was rough. We hiked at Uluru, which is a sacred spot for the Aboriginal people. However, tourists always choose to climb it despite all the signs asking them not to. It is offensive to the Aboriginal people, destroys the rock, and ruins the surrounding ecosystem. It’s very steep and people were dying falling off so part of it has a chain people can hang onto even though they don’t want people climbing. But in an effort to get people to stop, the nearest help that will come get you is several hours away. But good news!! I just found out today that climbing will officially be banned at Uluru in two years! So then on our hike we saw the men’s and women’s caves and heard Aboriginal legends. Then Kelsey and I survived a sandstorm no biggie then this girl Julia just faints. And we were like ah shit here we go dehydration why you do this. She was okay but like honestly I was close to faking fainting so this hike would stop. Thanks for taking one for the team Julia! 
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Then we drove to watch the sun set on Uluru from another spot and our tour group had bought booze before they picked us up from the airport so Tati and Flo (the most wonderful German couple ever) gave me some white wine. But since we hadn’t eaten in 7 hours and I was dehydrated I was like woah am I drunk? I kinda was.  
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Sunset at Uluru
Then we went to our campsite and everyone ate chicken stirfry like animals cause we were ravenous then we set up our swags. So turns out a swag is not what I posted earlier. It’s basically a boxy sleeping bag with a little pad mattress inside and a sleeping bag goes into it and you zip yourself into it. Your head is exposed and Kelsey and I were like so if something comes out of the grass right there and kills us, we’re already zipped into our body bags so it will be convenient to get us out of here! Also the campsite over was having a rager and as I was trying to fall asleep on the ground, under the beautiful Milky Way galaxy, in the outback, preparing to get eaten by dingos, listening to Nelly’s ‘Hot in Herre’, I was just like “What is my life right now?” 
The next morning we were up at 3:45 AM for the sunrise but it was okay because Tahnee had her speaker on to wake us up and I woke up under the stars to ‘Here comes the sun’. Much better than my iphone alarm. We went to a spot where you can see Uluru and Kata Tjata (pronounced Kat-ah Jar-a) and I got some beautiful photos
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Then we went to our hike at Kata Tjata and it was a lot better because we did it in the morning despite it being harder terrain. You had to really watch your footing and at one part it was basically an 80 degree incline wall you had to just run up and we all did it then turned around and saw a 70ish year old women take it like a champ and I was like oh cool same. But again the gain was worth the pain. 
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After our hike, we lowkey were stranded on the road for like two hours cause we were waiting on someone to meet up with us and give us more fuel. We got some oranges and I was like SWEET MANNA FROM HEAVEN. 
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Then we stopped at a pool and swam and ate lunch then were back on the road to go to our campsite cause it was about a 5 hour drive. On the way, Tahnee pulled over once for us to look at a salt lake: 
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And another time to collect firewood. So she pulls over and again we are in bumfuck middle of the desert and she goes “Okay so we’re gonna grab some firewood. Here’s what you do if you see a snake and it looks like it’s gonna attack. (tells us). Okay let’s go.”
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Kelsey and I looked at each other and just burst out laughing like okay what. But yeah we did it anyways cause ya know we needed firewood but this was my reaction to the snake warning 
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That night we learned to make damper, which is Australian bread with no set recipe, learned a fun Australian song and dance, and then Tahnee told us about the next day’s hike. So she says it’s at King’s Canyon and we’re gonna get to the top of it for sunrise so we’re getting up at 3AM again and I’m like yeah old news. Then she said she can’t let us go if we don’t have at least 3 liters of water because people straight up die of dehydration and she can lose her job if a ranger sees we aren’t drinking enough. It’s about a 3.5 hour hike and the second half has no shade. Then she says we have to stay at least 2 meters from the edge of the canyon at all times because the rock is really weak and people die all the time because they fall into the canyon and help can’t come for like 12 hours. Finally, she says to get to the top of King’s canyon, we have to climb Heart Attack hill...there’s a defibrillator at the top. Wow thanks Tahnee!! So excited for tomorrow!!! But she really has to tell everyone those things because it can be really dangerous and she would feel awful if anything happened to us. That night I fell asleep under the most beautiful sky again, saw 2 shooting stars, and listened to her friend play acoustic guitar. 
The next morning, we climbed Heart Attack hill. In the dark. The rest of the hike seemed like a breeze even though it was rough terrain. But of course Tahnee was right, the view of sunrise at the top of King’s canyon was worth it. 
Gotta risk it to get the biscuit!
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Inside the Garden of Eden (bottom of the Canyon)
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When we were finished, it was only 8:30 AM and after some more driving, we arrived at our lunch spot where we saw more warning signs about snakes. Everywhere we went were warning signs about dehydration, dingos, snakes, bees coming out of faucets?, and other scary shit. Along the drive I saw some wild horses and then we went to a camel farm!! So the government pays people to kill camels but this guy brings them to his farm and they give people a one minute ride maybe once a week so they’re in a much better space. He also rehabilitates wild kangaroos that have been hit by cars then releases them back into the wild. Weirdly, this place sells camel burgers and I was like ummmmmm...guess I’ll just ignore that?
Camels are really tall!
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With hiking and driving, we covered about 932 miles this weekend. That night we went to our hostels in Alice Springs. The tour was technically over, but Tahnee invited us out to dinner to say goodbye. I really liked everyone in my tour group and we all added each other on Facebook so I’m like haha let me stay at your houses when I visit please! Overall, the outback definitely kicked our asses but everything was so worth it. 10/10 would recommend. 
Signing off xoxo
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