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#this actually just my fave it’s not necessary a cope one
saintxgerard · 2 years
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Are you coping? Revenge edition
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angelsarewatching · 2 years
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Conflicting ideals: I don't understand/support writing sexual assault. Even if its a coping mechanism I don't like it because it's an unhealthy coping mechanism. (For writer and reader.) It also allows people easy access to the trigger, which they'll use for legitimate enjoyment or to harm themselves.
And I have an overall negative view of proshippers, due to how some people abuse the labeling. One bad apple and that.
(My approach is to avoid, hence the anon. Limiting contact as much as I can. This will be my last interaction with you for the foreseeable future. Hope I've covered everything necessary.)
Side note: I don't mean to imply you'd send people to them intentionally. (If that's something you're concerned about.) I've just seen how quickly people in fandom will jump to "protect" their faves, which can spiral if said fave has a following.
I don't really have much of a following of my tumblr account so you needn't worry if that's one of your issues with me. Though I'd much like for you to stay and talk to me on anon and explain your own ideals (since why not? i lack the sustenance of social interaction) I'll probably turn off anon in the future. Hopefully you aren't someone who I think you are, since the person I'm thinking of has really quirky comments on modernghostfare's posts.
I won't do the "not all men" with you w proshippers, but the thing is, if they do shit irl and harass people and do bad stuff in general? They aren't proship, and there's misusing the label. So you're right about that one.
And with your conflicting ideals, anon, look, it's a coping mechanism that doesn't involve drugs, alcohol and self harm. I'm pretty sure those are the holy trinity of unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's not my place, or yours, to judge anyone's coping mechanism if it isn't the main three which I had just said. Antis are big, big on censorship, I've only had sparse interactions with them (and being heavily qrted on twitter, lmao) but I assume they'll grow out of it and learn how to click off something they don't like because fiction is fictional. Sure, it affects reality, though not on a 1:1 ratio.
Have you ever wondered if an abuse survivor of SA could actually purposefully enjoy a good piece of taboo writing? There's some that use it to inflict your so called "harm" upon themselves but I have no idea on how that can happen, since, who would consume a form of media with an intention to be disgusted rather than enjoy the vile content? If it was properly tagged on AO3 and everything, and an anti still clicked on it, went on the comments and said "This is disgusting", whose fault is it? The writer of the story who just wanted to express themselves through their work, or the anti who has no business on enforcing what should and what shouldn't be written?
That's all of my thoughts.
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(?)
Hi, anon who recently posted the ask starting with "Warning: long. If replying is too exhausting, feel free to ignore this <3 I understand it dw" (tw for graphic imagery & danger I guess?)
I've been tracking my dreams more closely and the nightmares have actually not gotten better at all lmao. I've dreamt sth SA related like 3 times this month already. So that sucks. I thought I was improving at least a bit. It's been over three years now, I'm so tired and angry and I want to scream my lungs out until they're splattered on the pavement.
I witnesses two guys fighting at my bus stop and it scared me so badly I almost tripped onto the street (and into my upcoming bus so that wouldn't have been great for me) and it's like whatever but I wish I could just handle things. Everything's exhausting and I can't even bring myself to eat a vegetable I've had for two weeks because that would mean going into the kitchen (other people/strangers) and cutting/ washing the vegetable (feels too exhausting.)
At least watching my fave show makes me ecstatic,,
I hope your days have been better<3
hello,
Tracking your dreams might not be helping. It's not necessary to record them in any detail. If you want to track triggers that's a perfectly good thing to do, but you might not need to be so focused on the content of the nightmares.
It makes perfect sense that you are hurting. Dealing with trauma can be very hard. And it's reasonable that it hasn't gotten better on its own. Sadly for a lot of people, it doesn't get better without some attention spent on letting your brain and nervous system heal and relieve a lot of traumatic stress.
It sounds like you are stuck in a hypaoroused state, meaning your body is stuck without your nervous system activating. it makes people feel like there is no energy and makes doing anything hard. This can be related to freeze & shutdown trauma response. it's a common place for people with trauma to go through.
Practising some coping skills can always be helpful. Whether we are in a hyperarousal state or hypoarousaed state breathing can be really helpful. When our nervous system is more regulated we have more calming energy.
One Example
2-to-1 Breathing: This is a practice that helps give us a path to regularity and best engaging the parasympathetic system. It also requires a powerful redirect of focous to our breathing and the way that it feels. Knowing how proper breathing feels is good to know when we have started to become dysregulated. This is generally hard to do during flashbacks or mid panic attack, most effective before or after the most extreme point. Remember diaphragmatic breaths, and try to either sit or stand as straight as possible! Steps: Count the duration of both exhalation and inhalation as you breathe normally and adjust it gently so you are exhaling and inhaling for the same amount of time. Most people are comfortable with a count of 3 or 4 counts for each exhalation and inhalation. So one full breath lasts for a count of either 6 or 8. So you are breathing in 4 and exhaling 4 counts. Now, without altering the duration of the total breath cycle, adjust your breathing by slowing the exhalation and gently quickening the inhalation to achieve a 2-to-1 ratio. For a breath lasting 6 counts, this means exhaling for 4 and inhaling for 2. For 8 you can adjust slightly exhaling for 6 and inhaling for 3.
[more breathing and grounding skills: Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation]
Stimming toys might also be useful in both situations. You can try some out and see if different ones work at different times. When you are overwhelmed and want to scream or energy is missing.
Examples:
Calming rocks/crystals
Cats cradle
Chewy necklaces
Fidget Spinner, fidget cubes, twirling loops
Rings that have a bit to spin around
Sensory brushes.
Stress balls/Koosh balls/Massage balls
Tangles
Thinking putty or silly putty
Velcro
Weighted Compression Vests
Like in a situation with the bus, you could maybe have something that you practice using to help with not feeling as out of the body and cause issues like losing balance.
[more about this here: Coping Skills: Sensory Aids]
You might be able to keep some food in your room. They would have to be shelf stable but things like trail mix, pre-poped popcorn, dried fruit, chips, nuts, granola and other things.
Getting some bagged salad could be fine. Theoretically, you could eat it out of the bag. but overall it is veggies that won't require cutting anything or washing them.
Practising slow movements like stretching and walking can be good. I know it's the last thing you want to do when your body is stuck in a low-energy place in your body.
You could also try moving some with the show that is making you happy. If it's getting some energy up in your body you could stretch while you watch. It is deeply helpful for your body to not be stuck in that freeze & shutdown state.
There is nothing wrong with you and you haven't done anything bad. you can get through this, it's okay to be unhappy and hurting from trauma. You're surviving and you will get to living.
Be Blessed,
-Admin 2
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wisheswagered · 6 months
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thinking about developing my headcanons for lily. under the cut, tw mentions of abuse, psychosis, and murder.
honestly i'd really like to give her a twisted sense of morality to an extent, because i love that in all my faves and i don't have enough of that in idv atm, but like... i want to make it clear that her moral beliefs are not the result of her psychosis / delusions, which her deductions and ability descriptions imply she has at least to an extent. those are a separate thing entirely.
specifically though, i've been experimenting with the idea that she thinks like... all things happen for a reason, or rather, because the world made her suffer (and that if the world/God let it happen, it's seemingly "justified"), she has the right to make other people "suffer" - and that "suffering" is actually good for them. i'm not sure if i'm explaining what i mean right, but like...
she wanted to kill her father to free herself and her mother, but worried it'd hurt the people who cared about her father & that she didn't have the right as a result. but galatea encouraged her to believe that actually, since lily is still choosing to have hope / be "happy" after what happened to her brother... those people could do the same, right? it's up to her how they choose to respond to misfortune, so she's not in the wrong for bringing "misfortune" upon them. kind of like - if the world is "just" (which she believes and has been taught it is), but the world also brings suffering to people including herself, then there must be something "right" in that suffering as well - maybe that it helps them learn or become better people/to appreciate what they have more?
mind you, while this is arguably a twisted mindset, i don't blame her or really think of her as in the wrong for killing her father at all, particularly since the police were basically paid off and refused to do anything about the abuse. but this mindset of hers could potentially lead her to hurting others in the future if she believes it's necessary/the right (or, well. "wrong.") circumstances come up. currently, she still doesn't want people to suffer and doesn't go around hurting them or anything, but it could lead to inaction on her part when someone else is going through something unfair, or being more quick to justify her own actions if she believes they're necessary for her own happiness.
but she still struggles with her own beliefs. because according to those beliefs, what happened to her brother should be "justified"/had a reason for it, but she still deep down believes it was unfair and that neither of them deserved it. so she copes by assuming that he will wake up one day, and that if he doesn't, it was to spare him from further suffering that would've happened to him if he'd awoken.
this is all very tentative, though. and i'm a little hesitant against giving more "twisted" beliefs to a psychotic character, even if her beliefs aren't the result of her psychosis at all, in case it leads to further stigma - so if anyone has any thoughts of what i could do better or if i'm doing anything that could be harmful here, please let me know. and thank you!
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emotionallyits2009 · 3 years
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deancas fic rec list!
hello everyone! happy christmas to those who celebrate it, my gift to you is my fic rec list that i said i would make like a month ago. the only thing it is organized by is canonverse vs alternate universe. tried to cover a variety of subjects but there are in particular many fics of the genre “postcanon where cas is human and he and dean live together and slowly finally get their shit together” because i know what i’m about, son. HOPE U ENJOY. and if you wanna talk about any of them or rec me other fics please do. :) 
Canonverse:
where the weeds take root by deathbanjo, 30k, explicit “Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.” There are many fics set in a post-canon universe where Cas is human and he and Dean live together and slowly fall into a relationship. Imo this one is the best of the best of that genre. This was one of the first fics I read back in July when I was getting Back Into Supernatural where I was like oh fuck I’m like in this. Dean builds Cas planters and bookshelves and a chicken coop and they fight and work through it.
Cuckoo And Nest by komodobits, 10k, explicit For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental. It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless. Really Gets the dynamic of Cas doesn’t think Dean wants him to stay/Dean thinks Cas will leave the first chance he gets. Also a nice example of Cas thinking he’s not wanted if he’s not useful/powerful and being told otherwise. Another all-time fave!
lonely hearts by outphastthemoat, 4.5k, gen He thinks he might give up having his own anything just to be able to step foot inside the room next door and sit on the edge of Dean’s bed instead. This one is for the CAS GIRLS who know what LONELINESS feels like.
Helionneiros by aeli_kindara, 24.2k, mature In which Dean visits his mother, and Claire takes Cas on a hunt. I’m always on the lookout for more fic with Claire and Jack. Jack doesn’t show up until the end here but the relationship between Cas and Claire is really nice.
Crawl by aeriallon, 11k, explicit It’s been almost four years since Castiel left Kansas; he'd eventually settled in an island town where he has a job, a house, and a life without the Winchesters. Every winter, Dean drives down to the coast to see him. Another fic where Cas is human but in this one he took some time for himself and got some distance from the Winchesters! He gets to be competent and weird as a human and we love that for him. I must warn you all that this fic contains one use of the phrase “making love” which would normally put me right off but it’s still worth reading. The first of a three-part series.
home where you hold me by microcomets, 1.6k, gen Cas and Dean, in the moments between their battles, ache for quiet spaces. Technically this is a coda to 10x20 but you don’t need the episode for context. Short and very sweet.
Build a Home by domesticadventures, 20.1k, teen After they save the world, Dean expects Cas to come back to the bunker with them. He doesn’t. This one is so cute it’s like what if once they were done saving the world Sam and Dean actually invited other hunters to move into the bunker with them. Obviously Dean wants that to include Cas but doesn’t know how to use his words.
the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo, 22.4k, explicit This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore. Angst fic! They go on a road trip and Dean is severely fucked up post-Mark of Cain.
Unknown Quantities by xylodemon, 8.6k, explicit No one ever tells Dean anything. Another nice getting-together fic.
Creature of Habit by trinityofone, 5.2k, teen The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well. This one is ancient by destiel standards (written during season 5) but it manages to nail the married couple vibes they give off in later seasons. Cas is a bitch and Dean likes him so much. <3
The (Mostly Accidental) Courtship of Dean Winchester by Tuesday, 11.2k, mature Angelic marriage rites were never intended to go quite like this. Another old one that is a lot of fun! They get Accidental Angel Married and if you don’t enjoy dumb fanfiction tropes like that I don’t know what to say to you.
Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi, 4k, teen In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything. The OTHER accidental angel marriage fic written in 2010. 
Crazy Diamonds by pantheon_of_discord, 24.8k, explicit A week ago, Dean was pulled out of Hell. Now, he’s apparently woken up in 2018, and the angel that a mere twenty-four hours beforehand had threatened to chuck him back into the pit is sleepily pouring himself coffee and wearing Dean’s second-favourite Zeppelin shirt. It all seems like a perfect happy ending, but with Hell’s scars still so fresh, Dean can’t imagine how he could have possibly gotten there. At the same time, the Dean who went to sleep in the bunker, right next to Cas, wakes up on Bobby’s couch in 2008. He’s instantly bombarded with questions by a Lilith-obsessed brother and a man who’s been dead for years, and must decide between keeping his finally-perfect life intact, and the lives he could save by re-writing history. Regardless of these choices, both Deans are trapped in the wrong decade, and their only way back lies with a Castiel still very much under Heaven’s thumb – one who might find the future Dean describes difficult to believe. Time travel is FUN. There’s an excellent part where (minor spoilers) future!Dean is like, “Guess what, asshole? You like me so much you marry me!!!!!!!!!!!” to 2008!Castiel that made me laugh out loud the first time I read it. Also just a good reminder of how most problems in life are temporary and if you could go back in time to talk to your younger self you’d be like, “Hey man. Chill out. You get through it.”
The Path of Fireflies by museaway, 63.7k, mature After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years. There’s a lot of amnesia fic and djinn fic out there were Dean wakes up ~suddenly together with Cas~ but I like this one in particular because he’s initially very confused and kind of a dick about it until he acknowledges that being with Cas makes him happy.
take the long way home by dothraki_shieldmaiden, 95k, explicit Three months ago, when Dean decided to retire, he thought his life was going to end up differently. He'd thought that he might get to have it all, Sam, Cas, Jack, and nice little place to live. Instead he gets Sam and Jack off on their Summer of Love Tour, radio silence from Cas, and a never-ending road trip consisting of himself. Still reeling from the loss of his grace, Castiel travels the country in search of hunts. Driven by a need to prove his usefulness, he pushes himself beyond all limits of endurance. Together, with the help of a few friends, a crumbling Victorian house, and a stray cat, Dean and Castiel patch themselves back together and create a home together. Do you wanna read almost one hundred thousand words of Dean and Cas having extremely intense feelings but refusing to voice them aloud? Haha of course you do that’s why you’re here. There’s also a lot about Cas adjusting to being human and being depressed about it which might resonate if you’ve ever felt weird about having a body. To be honest the author could stand to use a few more commas but there were also half a dozen moments that made me put my phone down and drag my hand slowly over my face and whisper “oh my god” to myself which is like, the ultimate measure of a good fanfiction so it gets to be on the list.
like moses and batman and james dean by saltyfeathers, 31.6k, explicit dean used to turn tricks. over a decade later, he met cas. Have you seen the fanon (apparently pioneered by Mr. Jackles “Original Deankin” Ackles himself) that Dean used to prostitute himself to feed himself and Sam when they were younger? Are you interested in exploring that concept in fanfiction? Well, this is the only fic you need. Mind the tags on this one! It’s not what I’d call happy but it’s good.
Some Assembly Required by narrow_staircases, 47k, mature It’s September of 2005, and Dean Winchester, in an attempt to outrun old mistakes and painful memories, finds himself in southern Kentucky on a wild goose chase. He’s completely certain this weird religious movement he’s “investigating” is a hoax, despite the miraculous healings people report, and he’ll be back on the road in a day or two. Things are looking up when he meets Cas, an awkward (and gorgeous) graduate student who’s actually doing honest-to-god research into the local tent revival meetings. When that research takes a weird and personal turn, Dean’s left to face two very serious realities: one, this may be a real case after all, and two, he’s fallen way harder for Cas than he should ever have let himself. Stanford-era AU of Dean trying to avoid his father and getting in over his head on a case.
Alternate universe:
And This, Your Living Kiss by opal_bullets, 57k, mature Only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet Jack Allen is just Kansas mechanic Dean Winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. Not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen. Until, that is, a string of coincidences leads Dean to auditing a poetry course with one Dr. Castiel Novak. The  professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia's foremost expert on the poetry of Jack Allen. Mundane AUs in this fandom have to be really, really good to catch my attention and this one is! It’s exactly what it says in the summary and the characterization is spot-on. 
Out to Drift by deathbanjo, 20.9k, mature Dean drives a black car with a loud engine. He lies too easily. He keeps a gun in the back of his jeans, and Castiel isn’t sure, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Dean has killed someone before. Two people in fucked-up unstable situations meeting and forming a connection. Honestly guys I really just love deathbanjo.
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redteabaron · 3 years
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Different anon… Here is the thing though, Drogo/Dany isn’t a parallel to sansan. People who make that comparison either lack severe reading comprehension, which is not surprising for this fandom, or they want to use it to validate sansan. (Tyrion was the older guy Sansa was forced to marry. Dany and Sansa have opposite journeys and their marriages are a part of that.) But sansan’s mirror is Jorah/Dany. Book!Jorah is an older guy who has a creepy obsession with a teenage girl. He dumps his trauma on her, he projects onto her. But he is also her advisor, her confidante early on, his protector. There are also the same BaTB elements sansans love to talk about. She even refers to him as her bear. But he was lusting after her ever since they met and then he assaulted her. He forced himself on her. She is uncomfortable with his actions, but she doesn’t possess the necessary language and she doesn’t understand consent (we know this because of how she frames her relationship with Drogo but also how she expected Lhazareen women to be ok, even be thankful for being married to their rapists, and her dubcon relationship with Irri) so she recontextualize what happened and chastise Jorah for kissing her not because she is a teenager and he shouldn't and she didn’t consent to but because she is his Queen. That's the language she has, so she expresses her discontent, disapproval, rejection with that. Sandor was verbally, psychologically, physically abusive to Sansa but he also occasionally protected her in King’s Landing. He lusted after her, made sexually inappropriate comments to an 11 year old child but he was also the only one in KL to have honest conversations with her. Then he assaulted her, held her at knife point. She was afraid of him kissing her, killing her, she had nightmare about the assault which she clearly registered as a sexual one despite what his fans claim his intentions were. Sansa has a habit of romanticizing/redefining these things. Sansa thinks Arys Oakheart was preferable, that he was kind because he beat her less hard than the other Kingsguard. She remembers Tyrion as someone who were kind to her, someone better than Joffrey even though he molested her and she had him in her nightmares too. She separates Littlefinger and Petyr in her mind because just like with the other men before him the thought of her sometimes-protector at the same time being her abuser is too much for her. Just like Dany she recontextualizes what the Hound did to her and turns the assault into a song to cope with it.
These two pairings has the same dynamic, the difference is fandom’s response to it. (The slight differences are that Dany had actual amiable feelings for Jorah -not romantic love or sexual feelings but friendly, sisterly love for him- and she as a Queen had a lot more agency than Sansa as a prisoner had. She isn't as powerless as Sansa, she could have easily banished him, punished him, even ordered his death.) But no one in fandom writes essay after essay why and how could and should Jorah and Dany end up together. It’s an outrageous suggestion. Dany is a main character, she is the heroine. She is a Queen. Why should she ever end up with someone as lowly as Jorah? Someone as old, as ugly as Jorah? But Sansa, meh she is not an important character. And she needs to be punished, first because she was a child making childish mistakes. Secondly, she is shallow, she refused to be raped by her older, ugly husband. So she needs to end up with an older ugly guy to humble her. Even when the author expressed his distaste of the trope of a noble girl running away with a lowly guy in medieval stories, nah that doesn’t matter here. Sansa being of high nobility, a princess won’t have any factor at all who she’s gonna end up with. They had to keep assuring themselves that she is not a main character so she could even end up with a villainous character, that she is not a Stark so she could end up with people who hurt/fight against her family. The hypocrisy of this fandom, and their selective reading is most clear when it comes to these two “couples”. Almost all sansans (whether it is the actual shippers or those who think it’ll happen because well it’s Sansa what else she’s gonna do besides being a reward bride for some hideous guy) hate Jorah/Dany (as they should) while trying to justify how and why Sansa should end up with the hound. Let's forget the abuse and pedophile, let's assume those never happened, even then it makes no sense. There is not a narratively satisfying way, a logical reason how Sansa could be with Sandor. But they ignore all that because it doesn't fit in with their vision, with their interpretation of the books and characters. Because admitting Sansa is a main character and more than a reward for their pedo fave has a ripple affect, it challenges all their theories, they all crumble. And they just can't let go of their 2 decades old theories, they just have to be right, they must be right. That's why they all took the show's ending as a personal offense, especially the QiTN Sansa. I just can't wait for the books!
Yeah, agreed. jorah and sandor are mirrors of each other. I mean I hope they both die without any glory or honor, personally. I don't really care if they have sacrificial deaths for the greater good - or whatever framing the show had intended - jorah and sandor were also whitewashed and made more pitiable/likeable.
Whenever dany x dr*go is used to validate literally ANY pairing, I am suspish. In particular when we acknowledge that dany absolutely couldn't consent - she was 13 iirc - and was sold off by her abusive brother to a man twice her age, but Sansa reimagining her trauma about Sandor's assault to something less traumatic is considered being hateful to Sandor because he's unattractive. (And I never really listen whenever ppl give me shit or deny it was assault; pertaining to my job, I'm pretty fucking aware what assault or intention-to-assault looks like, and I think most ppl do to, they just seem to lose awareness when it comes to their ships or certain characters).
I think it has to do with Sansa being the archetypal "Pretty Popular Girl" - the one who like feminine things, sort of fussy, likes feminine colors and just in general is feminine. She seems to remind people of the classic mean popular girl we saw popularized in 1990s-2000s high school movies - the one who gets her comeuppance in the end when the non-feminine girl somehow triumphs in whatever way, or she's the one who learns her lesson and stops being quite so feminine, or hooks up with a most-popular guy. The Mean/Pretty Popular girl has to be humbled in some fashion. Fans who don't like her, tend to view this as a way for her to pay for the error of her ways.
Like being a prisoner of war. Or not wanting to fuck tyrion. Or not wanting to run away with sandor.
I mean...all of asoiaf, beyond the politics and magic, is all about trauma and the human response to it - which is varied and depends on circumstances, personalities, and a lot of other things. One of the more vile things GOT did was whitewash jorah and tyrion the way they did imo. Jorah was a predator, circling Dany, regardless of whether she thought of him fondly, he just happened to not be violent towards her - she cries when he forces a kiss on her. Tyrion was a predator who molested her when he acknowledged she was a child "but he wanted her anyway". I've seen a lot of ppl react more sympathetically towards Dany. I haven't seen much recrimination against dany for refusing him the way we see sansa being hated for not wanting tyrion or sandor, hell, even petyr.
But - Sansa, imo, in the larger or at least circles of the fandom that have been around longer, is a more ideal whipping girl for the outlet a lot of ppl crave. See again the popular girl trope. She can't fight, she has no magical creatures, she is not a Chosen One of any kind. She has her wits and her ability to observe and adapt who has no choice but to navigate survival surrounded by people who have more agency and power than she does. That's it. I guess in a world of amazing abilities and magic and warfare, this is very boring, particularly when she doesn't weaponize her femininity or sexuality, where she's beautiful without being dangerous or magical or erotic. And I guess ppl feel that because of that, she needs to be punished for not being as extraordinary as she should be, OR, because she was the "Mean Popular Girl" (she wasn't) she must be humbled, and the ones to do it are the ones she refuses.
It's really delicious knowing they don't get "to have her" 🤢. Hopefully they just both fuck off to the ends of the world or die, idc they deserve zero thought.
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gayspock · 3 years
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I see you posting Odo and I'm curious: What do you think about Odo autism? I've heard a lot of autistic ppl relate to him and I was sceptical but now watching ds9 I'm kinda relating to him in that way soo. Julian and Odo autistic kings? (And honestly everyone else on ds9 as well but we'll leave that analysis for later 😳) sory for the long ask
i say autism bc im autistic and i like him and thats what happens to any fictional cunt i like 😁 but ehrm here's my lil strings of thoughts
BUT fr! no, no, no- i see it. granted, it still does feel like super early days for me to write anything truly indepth on that - not to mention, that kinda thing isnt my forte (i just talk to meself a lot innit<3 and those thoughts arent always so coherent or wonderfully put) but i think its like...
well, tip of the iceberg: he's an alien, yah? and quite specifically, one not amongst his kind - and therefore kind of an outsider, who doesn't have a blueprint on how he's supposed to be. and instead, he has to try and integrate into a predominantly humanoid society. and that setup really lends itself to, like, being analogous with autism narratively. LIKE... it's kind of a thing, isnt it, honestly, where aliens (and androids/ai too!) are often incidentially read as autistic. which sometimes that's- yknow. i'll drop a thought on that at the end. BUT, spock and data are the obvious examples - even if u strip back some of their more "stereotypical autistic mannerism" or whatever. bc this idea of, like... learning social standards, as odo would have had to, yeah.
but furthermore. he's quite lliterally being taught to redefine his existence, to present as humanoid. you can read that as a metaphor for masking, easy. and granted - i havent even finished this ep yet - but with how The Alternate elaborates a bit more on his past... i know a lot of autistic people (myself included) have had a traumatic experience with being forced to mask in certain ways. being pushed into it, because it's what's best for us as Dr Mora says - even though the "best" is just the expectation of how a person should act, which is totally arbitrary.
and with Dr Mora, also, you can extrapolate more parallels: with how he insists that Odo wasn't ready to be let out into society, that he wouldn't cope on his own, that he wasn't yet meeting this necessary standard, that he won't be accepted and accomodated for... and again lotsa ppl ik have that experience!
and it's not just that. i think... ok, going back to data and spock: again i say they're very "stereotypically autistic" in their mannerisms. yknow how it is. odo doesn't always read so overtly, but there's some habits he has? that i think also apply.
cant remember what episode it was. but it was, ehrm.... he was talking about lying and how he could tell ppl were doing it- and the way he analysed ppl was, like, by cataloguing very specific movements. not emotions or expressions. instead he methodically deconstructed it.
and... with justice. ok. personal fave there bc he does have a fixation on it? and idk- I GET THAT TOO, YAH? unsure if one track minded is the most appropriate term, bc its not like a lack of nuance even if it sometimes feels like tht to ppl... but that kinda thought process.
and just general social mannerisms. some detachment tht i also kinda vibe with. and when lwaxana came onto him and he LITERALLY had no clue what to even do, bc he was so outta his depth like - OKAY, SAME BESTIE? SAME, SAME, SAME... and again these lil bits at the end are all more, like. small lil things that i dont think are indicative full stop but i do find they RESONATE, yknow!!!!!!
SO YEAH LIKE. MY POINT IS. i see where ppl are coming from!! me too<3 i'd like a lil autstic reading of odo 😁
(BUT: as i did briefly say earlier... i am verastile with, like, autistic readings when it comes to inhuman characters. and the same applies to gender/sexuality, actually - although i find it easier to explain why with the latter as thats a lil different for sure. basically im v much of the omg yesss soooo true bestie when it comes to my own projections and most other ppl's but also there are . yknow . sticking points when it comes to using inhuman behaviour as a parallel for autism that makea me go 🤨 which i mention in PASSING bc idk if i can unpack that whole moving van of stuff by myself in a silly little aside but YOU KNOW. just feels like some comment on tht has to be said here since im going on a big long rambley anyways 😁
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squeakedout · 3 years
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ooo how about 1, 2, 3, 23, 24, 27, 28 for he protag asks? 👀
LET'S GOOOOO
1. What would your Warden generally think of your Hawke and your inquisitor?
oooooh man. Hera would think Athena is well meaning if not a little dumb. She'd also think she takes on too much responsibility for things that ultimately were out of her control/not her fault. They'd get along pretty well, I can see Hera developing a soft spot for her!
As for Circe, I think she'd KIND OF HAVE PETTY BEEF WITH HER FOR PUTTING ALISTAIR IN DANGER LMAOOOO. Like, NOT A LOT. BUT IT'S THERE. That aside, she'd probably relate to her quite a bit re: being suddenly responsible for major decisions and being tasked with saving the world. I think they'd probably banter a lot.
Speaking of banter, I have written banter for them as a fun little exercise!
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2. What would your Hawke generally think of your warden and your Inquisitor?
Hawke has a lot of respect for Hera as the HOF, Especially since I have the personal canon that Hawke was at the actual battle of Ostagar with Carver and literally picked him up and started running when she realized shit was going sour. She'd have a lot of sympathy for her and what happened since she experienced part of it first hand.
Hawke thinks Circe's WAY TOO RELAXED ABOUT ALL OF THIS, which is HILARIOUS coming from Ms. Copes With Stressful Situations Through Humor. They don't get off on the best foot, but Athena trusts Varric's judgement and they warm up to each other eventually. I think part of it is that they're two people who are kind of similar but crucially different if that makes sense and that can lead to some issues!
3. What would your Inquisitor generally think of your warden and your Hawke?
I like to think Circe is pretty much the standard Yeah She's Cool And She Saved The World viewpoint until they properly meet. Though I do love the concept of her reading that vaguely threatening letter about keeping Alistair safe and being like "oh, she definitely will kill me in the dead of night if anything happens to this man. noted. I respect that."
As for Hawke, she and Circe actually don't get along initially! I think Circe would be jealous of how close Hawke and Varric are in a very childish way HAHA, pre-conclave Circe used to read romance novels in secret and she was a BIG fan of Swords And Shields and ends up befriending Varric after the initial AHHHHH wears off. Once they get to know each other a bit and open up to each other things change. Of course, then Here Lies The Abyss happens...
23. How old were each of your protagonists at the start of their respective games? Do you think their age affected the choices they made? Looking back would they have done any major action differently?
Hera: 20/21 - I think growing up in the circumstances she grew up in made her more used to making hard choices, but even then she really isn't a mature/old soul type. I think Hera starts the game off basically hardened and gets softened through the course of the story. In her initially play through, I had her kill Cauthrien, so I think in future play throughs I won't have her do that but in the current canon it is a big regret of hers because at that point she's only killing when it's absolutely necessary.
Athena: 20 - and OH GOD YEAH. I think everything with Bethany was one of Athena's greatest regrets to the point that it actively influenced the rest of my play through sdjfdjgjdfjgjfd. That being said, I don't think she'd handle it any differently, I think taking Bethany to the Deep Roads and having her become a Warden was/is an integral part of her story. Kind of kicks off a series of actions she feels directly responsible for and tries to atone for to the point of self destruction.
Circe: 27/28 - Circe starts off pretty purposely immature and unwilling to step up to the plate and evolves into someone who realizes that if she stays the way she is the consequences will affect more than just herself. I can't think of anything major she would do differently, but she would probably have been less antagonistic and childish when the Inquisition first started. (That being said I still play her like that in game because the character evolution is FUN FOR ME TO SEE)
24. How do each of your protagonists handle loss?
I do not need to separate this answer because it is the same for all of them: BADLY. NOT WELL. Hera would absolutely go on a revenge murder quest of some kind for anyone she loves, Athena will always think that she can save everyone and if she can't it is directly because of her own shortcomings, and Circe spins out into anger.
27. What would their fears on the graves in the fade during Here Lies The Abyss be?
oooof.
Hera: Losing her loved ones.
Athena: Being left alone.
Circe: Her legacy being used against her people/being forgotten as an individual.
28. What is their favourite location within their own game and what would be their favourite in each others?
Hera really liked Denerim, it being a big city and near the ocean. I like to think that as she got used to the surface she ended up really liking lakes/rivers/large bodies of water. In Kirkwall she'd probably like the Hanged Man, and in DAI she'd probably love the Storm Coast!
Athena's favorite place was, for obvious reasons, the Hanged Man! In DAO I...want to say pre-blight Lothering. DAI I think she'd love Skyhold.
Circe's fave place in DAI is Skyhold as a whole, though she does love any/all wooded and mountainous areas. In DAO she'd love the Brecilian Forest, in Kirkwall she'd definitely love the Hanged Man too HAHA
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Hi :) I... really wanna read a fanfic or two but I can't find one I vibe with xD So... do you know one that's not too long (around 100k words maybe), has hurt and comfort, smut (am I allowed to ask about that?? Ahhhh) and a happy ending? Top!lock would be a bonus but it's not necessary. And if it's a nice AU (like... any kind but no crossovers pls), it would be perfect! :D By the way, I found your blog only a few hours ago and I already feel really comfy and Idk, kinda at home here ^-^
Hi Nonny!!!
Welcome to my corner of the Tumblrsphere!!! I’m so happy you’ve found me, LOL, because I love all my followers and friends! <3
First of all, I think it’s super cute that “not too long” to you is “around 100K” LOL LOL LOL!!! <3 That said, I’d argue all my fic recs are fabulous, LOL. But again, I’m stupidly proud of the wonderful lists I’ve accumulated, because it satisfies my organization kink LOL. And yes, you’re ALWAYS allowed to ask for smut here LOL. 
ANYWAY, so I’m gonna use this ask as an excuse to post up a long-overdue part two to my 50 to 100K fic list! But first, here’s some past lists for the genres you’re looking for:
FIC MASTER PAGES: PG1 || PG 2 || PG 3
Toplock (Mar 2020)
Omegaverse
Please Check PG 3 for all my AU fic lists. There’s a lot :)
Hurt / Comfort Pt. 1: Under 5K Words 
Hurt / Comfort Pt. 2: 5K to 10K Words
Fandom Favourites / Popular Fics
I hope those will get you started! So now, here’s the main event!! Hope you enjoy them!
50 - 100 K WORDS Pt. 2 (Novel Length)
See also:
Fics Under 2000 w.
Fics Under 2000 w. Pt. 2
Fics Under 2000 w. Pt. 3
E-Rated Johnlock for Newcomers Pt 1 (Short Fics under 20K)
Novella Length Fics: 25 to 50K (Aug. 2019)
Novel Length Fics: 50 to 100K (Nov. 2018)
Novel Length Fics: 100K+ w. (May 2019)
Long S3/Post-S3 Fics (20K+ w.) [Apr 2020]
Top 20 Fave 40K+ w. Fics (April 2017)
Smut-Free Fics Over 50K (Aug 2019)
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...
Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."
Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.
Never Change a Running System by Lorelei_Lee (E, 54,246 w. || Pre-TRF, Romance, Humour, Drama, Sex Toys, Anal, Rimming, Masturbation, Frottage, Blow Jobs, Public Sex, First Kiss / Time, Virgin Sherlock / Loss of Virginity, Accidental Voyeurism, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Experiments, Naive Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Straight With an Exception John, Hand Jobs) – Sherlock discovers his sexuality – with far-reaching consequences for John.
A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off. Part 1 of the SpaceBois go to Space series
The Thing Is by TSylvestris (E, 56,743 w. || Case Fic, Dev. Rel., Anal/Oral, Blow Jobs, Meddling Mycroft, Drama, Romance, Humour, Casual Encounters, Pining Idiots, Possessive Sherlock, Orgasm Delay, Rough / Alley Sex, Public Sex, John Whump, Drugged John, Emotional Love Making, Awkward Relationship, Marriage of Convenience, Switchlock) – The problem with living with Sherlock, John thought, was that you never, never, ever knew the significance of anything. Like your flatmate's nose buried in your hair. Whilst you're in bed. Part 1 of Nitroglycerine
One Little Change by jadztone (E, 58,312 w. || ASiB Divergence, Fake Relationship, Bed Sharing, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bi John / Gay Demisexual Sherlock, Switchlock, Alternating POV, Jealousy, Misunderstandings, Case Fic, Angst with Happy Ending, Emotional Love Making, Butt Plugs, Cuddles) – Our story begins right after John and Sherlock's first meeting with Irene Adler in September. It splits off into an AU that imagines them taking a case where they act as bait to hook a killer targeting closeted gays in secret relationships. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, many things happen that have our boys wondering if maybe they have a chance with each other. Then Irene fakes her death on Christmas Eve, and things get a lot more complicated - especially since they still have a killer to catch.
floating through a dark blue sky by Lediona (M, 58,966 w. || Notting Hilll AU || POV John, Celebrity Sherlock, First Date / Time / Kiss, Past Drug Addiction, Angst with a Happy Ending) – Of course, I’d seen his films and always thought he was, well, brilliant -- but, you know, a million miles from the world I live in. Or, when John is the owner of a travel book shop and the famous Sherlock Holmes stops in one day.
The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn't have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.
This Thing All Things Devours by cypress_tree (E, 63,844 w., 15 Ch. || In Time AU || Science Fiction, Dystopian Universe, First Meetings, Action / Adventure, Romance) – In 2169, time is money—literally. Humans are genetically engineered to stop aging at 25, when the numbers on their arm start counting down from one year. When that time is up, they die. The only way to get more time is to earn it, borrow it, or steal it.John Watson lives day-to-day in the crowded slums of Zone 13. He never imagined living any differently—until he meets the practically-immortal Sherlock, and helps him on a case to track a local time-thief...
The Bells of King's College by SilentAuror (E, 64,019 w., 5 Ch. || Post-S4, Missed Opportunities, Angst with Happy Ending, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, John POV, Jealous John, John in Denial, Travelling / Holidays, Virgin Sherlock, Wedding Proposals) – It's only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths...
Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?
White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.
Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.
Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.
The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.
Summit Fever by J_Baillier (M, 78,802 w., 18 Ch. || Mountain Climber AU || POV John, Angst, Tragedy, Suicidal Ideation, The Himalayas, Mountain Guide / Doctor John, Mount Climber Sherlock, Loneliness, Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Injured Sherlock / Sherlock Whump, Pining John) – After graduating from medical school, John Watson followed his heart to the Himalayas. Ten years later, he's a haunted cynic working for his ex-lover's trekking and mountaineering company. Will leading an expedition to Annapurna I—the most lethal of all the world's highest mountains—shake John out of his reverie, and who is the mystery client added to the group at the last minute?
The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) –  A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.
Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater /  Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?
The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Flashbacks, Sussex, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Background Case Fic) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series
Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU ||  BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest
31_Days_of_Porn_Challenge_2017 Series by distantstarlight (E, 96,540 w. across 31 stories || Prompt Ficlets, Assorted Kinks, PWP) – A collection in response to the 31 Days of Porn Challenge issued by AtlinMerrik! Thanks for doing that because this has been buttload of fun (that joke never gets old). All stories will be brief stand-alone one-shots.
The Baker Street Nativity by SwissMiss (E, 99,662 w., 23 Ch. || Nativity! AU || Teacher Sherlock / TA John, Pining, Sherlock POV, UST, Angst, Christmas, Music/Song Fic, Anal / BJ’s, First Kiss / Time) – Fusion between Sherlock (BBC) and Nativity! (2009 movie starring Martin Freeman). Sherlock is a primary school teacher and John is assigned to be his classroom assistant. Together, they are charged with putting on the school's Nativity play. What could possibly go wrong? Part 1 of The Baker Street Nativity Verse
Given In Evidence by verityburns (M, 97,884 w., 19 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Angst, Drama, Case Fic, Romance, BAMF!John, Submissive Sherlock, First Kiss, Humour) – Coming back from the dead can be a complicated business. With a new case on the horizon, rebuilding a life is one thing... rebuilding a friendship quite another. For Sherlock and John, things may never be just the same...
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little-red-toyota · 2 years
Text
Final good bye to the fandom
TW//Trauma, triggers, nsfw, sexual themes, rape, domestic abuse e.g.
This is gonna be a long ass post…
It has taken me a while to get emotionally strong enough to do this, as I will have to think back at some traumatic events from my past to address some of these things. That's why I waited until I got home from vacation with my family, as it will seriously affect my mood and mental health, and I want to be near my doctor and therapist, just in case.
And also, I know that the majority of those reading this will invalidate me and tell me I am making things up to clear my name. So, I literally have to torment myself to write a blog post people will just brush off as bogus anyway. But I will do it now that I am in safe surroundings. Then it will be off my chest, and I can finally move on. If people will continue stirring up the past, it will be their problem, not mine.
I think I should write one last blog post where I address everything. I have left the TTTE-fandom, but I will write that one as my final goodbye to the fandom. I just have to find out everything I've been accused of so I can properly address them all in order. I might leave out details of my life that is too hard for me to open up about. I know most of you will just invalidate me anyway.
1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.
2. My mafia-AU.
3. The Darin incident.
4. Being a pedophile. (Where do they get this from anyway??)
5. Running the NSFW-blog.
6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.
Is there more?
Ah... yes! Faking my own suicide, of course!
7. "Faking" being suicidal.
8. Having the audacity to survive and go on living.
9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it.
10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).
11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.
12. Being a danger to my daughter.
Anything else that needs to be addressed? What else am I being accused of? Send me a dm and I will add it to the post.
 Okay, I will bump the Stepney fic down a bit as it is the most traumatic thing for me to address, I will save that one for last.
2 and 3. The dark au/mafia au where I gave some TTTE characters some rather dark and unpleasant character traits, and the whole incident with Darin and the pedo-Salty was addressed in this blog post written by my husband last year, so I am not opening that can of worms again: https://little-red-toyota.tumblr.com/post/623743183795470336/in-light-of-recent-events
Even the thing about Toby cheating on Henrietta is addressed there.
As for the au, I never fully explored it as I started losing interest in TTTE around the same time. I found other things to enjoy and TTTE faded into the background and the au was dropped before I even wrote any stories, apart from the one about Toby and Henrietta.
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Some people claim, like this lovely individual, that most of the characters were rapists and pedos. No, not most. Only one of each. And I did not write more than one story about rape and suicide. Where does this person even get that from? Someone who told someone who had heard from someone who might have heard….?
Don't spread rumors unless you are sure that they are true.
Anyway, it's all addressed in that blog post in that link. I don't see how this mafia au is any worse than other dark post-apocalyptic or violent aus. It mostly was about the diesel mafia and their illegal businesses, not about sex, even if it did occur now and then. I find the substance abuse in it to be more problematic tbh…  
 4. Being a pedophile.
I don't even know how to defend myself against this one, as I don't even know why people think I am pedophile. They only throw the accusation out with no backing evidence, so I have no idea where it comes from or what it is that makes people think I am one.
Apart from one claim that I had faved "porn" alongside "strangers'" baby photos on DA. I addressed that earlier though. As DeviantArt doesn't sort what you click "like" on, it all ends up in the same folder unless you actively go through it and sort it into categories, which I don't bother most of the time. It also doesn't say WHEN it was added to your faves. So, I can have faved an artistic nude on Saturday, and then faved my friend's family photo on Thursday. It's not like I actively search for porn, get all steamed up and then look at pictures of children. WTF.
The few children I have faved are not from complete strangers, but long-term friends of mine. Yes, it is possible to have friends on the same website. I have actually met a lot of my RL friends through DeviantArt. I posted photos of my daughter when she was a baby, they would fave it and congratulate me. So, I did the same when they had a baby. As simple as that. Nothing weird or perverted about it. Due to people doxxing me last year however, I deleted the photos of me, my husband and my daughter from DeviantArt, so it's no longer there.
Porn isn't allowed on DeviantArt anyway. The nudes there are so-called artistic nudes, and for the most part I use them as pose-references when I draw as it is easier to draw a pose using a nude base and then dress them up once you got the pose right.
"The very naked" centaurs I have faved. Well, I like the mythological creature Centaur. And as far as I know… they do not wear clothes, so how are they NOT nude? Look it up, it's a horse body with a human torso instead of horse head. I don't see them as sexual, but what do I know? Maybe YOU do?
I have no sexual interest in children whatsoever.
 5. Running the NSFW-blog on Tumblr and Twitter.
Yes. I was one of six people modding that blog. ONE of six, so I refuse to take the full blame here.
MerciResolution has openly admitted to being the founder, and she recruited me and some others to modify as the confession load became too heavy for one person to handle alone.
The original blog on Tumblr worked as follows: People would anonymously send a confession to our askbox, we would add a picture (sometimes photoshopped) to the text and post it on the blog. Always tagged as NSFW and with proper trigger warnings if necessary! The blog itself was also marked as explicit, so it didn't appear in searches and such.
For us, this blog was nothing but a joke. We did it for shits and giggles. If anyone took it seriously and thought we got off to the stuff that was posted, we apologize for that, but to us it was just for laughs. And we DID laugh a lot, you guys should have seen the weird shit people sent us sometimes!
We had fun and we never thought anyone would take it seriously, so we never thought of writing "joke" in the description or anything. It never occurred to us that it could be anything but a joke.
We also made a Twitter account for it, also locked for minors. But it was quickly hacked, and someone changed the password so we could no longer access it. We made another account and forgot about the old one…
After a while, the original mods started losing interest and the blog (both on Tumblr and Twitter) became less active. That's when a person I had known for years, and wrongfully trusted, came forward and wanted to take over ownership. So, the ownership was handed over to Russalita/Charlie.
That turned out to be huge mistake!
Me and the other mods had more or less forgotten that the blogs existed, when suddenly someone started bashing me and getting up in my arms over it. I got seriously confused as I hadn't been active on it in almost a year. But as it turned out, Russalita had removed the mature filters and made the accounts open for all the see. Even minors.
And as people knew I was one of the mods, they fired their guns at me. I can see why though, so I'm not pointing any fingers here.
I tried contacting her by phone, asking her to lock the accounts again, but she gave me a less than polite response, hung up and then blocked my number…
So, I decided to try to shut the blogs down on my own, trying the old passwords. It worked on the Tumblr-account, and I managed to password protect it, for some reason it couldn't be fully deleted. But the Twitter account had gotten its password changed by Russalita. I was however able to get a new password by logging into the e-mail we had used to create it. I deleted the Twitter blog fully. It can't be re-activated even if we wanted to. It's gone.
But it turns out the old, hacked one is still up and now open for everyone. And this one poses a huge problem as we have no way of getting into it to delete it. Only thing we have been able to do so far is reporting it and hope it will be removed by Twitter. So I only have one thing to say about it: report it.
I am no longer running any NSFW TTTE blog anywhere, nor do I have interest in doing so. So, if you come across one, claiming to be me or any of the other mods, it is false.
 6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.
People seem to believe I have drawn genitals on trains. I have never done such. Any art on the NSFW-blog with genitalia on the trains were sent in by confessors and was not drawn by me. Most of them seems to have been drawn by someone who goes by the name "The Lance".
I HAVE drawn things for the NSFW blog, but there were no genitalia in those drawings. I drew Frank of Arlesdale looking grossed out by (I don't know what the part is named in English, but it is connected to the brakes of the engine) that stick-like thing on his bufferbeam being wet from whatever the confessor did to him. I drew an over-exaggerated comical pic of a horrified Peter Sam getting his face licked by his driver, who had an enormous tongue. I also did a couple of manips. Mostly maniping engine faces on humans, like the one where Gordon's face is on a less than fit guy flailing his shirt around, and the Arlesdale smallies' faces on a movie poster from Magic Mike. One with Mr.Conductor in a giant bun while Pinchy is applying ketchup on him, for a confession about eating him, I think?  I've done some more, but I forgot what it was, I only know I loved making them comical rather than erotic, as I saw the blog as a joke overall.
I HAVE also drawn aheago faces on engines because it looks hilarious. Though I have only drawn them on my OCs and the NRS engines, not TTTE characters.
Point is I have never drawn genitalia on trains. Ever. And I likely never will. It's not THAT much fun drawing NSFW stuff.
I see from this screenshot that a certain MK-Instrumentalist claim that all my personal art is age-regression art and infantilism…
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Whose art have you been looking at? Because it's definitely not mine. I have drawn a couple of baby/chibi diesels… But claiming that all of my 700 or so artworks are depicting infantilism and age-regression stuff? I suggest people go have a look for themselves. I haven't drawn that. That MK-guy has been desperately trying to cancel me for ages for reasons only himself know. I don't even know the guy, and he doesn't know me, yet he wants to see me beheaded. Go figure.
I was for a long time bothered by some age-regressor on Tumblr who just wouldn't leave me alone with their weird asks, who tried to force themselves on me and some other artists here. They claim age-regression isn't a fetish, but the shit they sent to my askbox certainly looked like a fetish to me.
I don't want anything to do with that stuff. It weirds me out.
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And no. I have never drawn pedophilia or rape art either. This guy can't even make up his mind on which one to accuse me of.
 7 and 8. Faking suicide and having the audacity to survive and go on living.
As many know, after the intense shitstorm against me last summer, thanks to Darin, I attempted suicide. I didn't succeed as my husband came home early. I was gone for a few days but returned when a young boy reached out to me for help as he was being groomed and didn't know who else to turn to.
Recently I saw a screenshot where someone claimed me to have faked suicide, and that I just came back after a few days when everything had died down.
Wow.
I am truly sorry I survived.
I don't remember much from those days to be honest, but as the load became too heavy and the bullying too intense, piling up on 30 years of old trauma… I decided to end it. I must warn you guys who might get triggered now; there are detailed descriptions of a suicide attempt. Proceed with caution. People told me I was a bad mother among other things, having had those same thoughts myself (according to my husband, I am a good mom) and people just confirming them, I thought that my daughter would be better off growing up without me. I could have chosen a more effective suicide method, but I was afraid my daughter would be the first to find me, so I wanted it to be clean and look like I was just sleeping. That way it could be explained as natural causes.
So, I decided to overdose on pills. I downed all pills I could find in the house that had a warning triangle on it (strong pain meds etc.) and then went to my computer to delete my online existence, especially the personal data.
As a former paramedic, I should have known better. Because after half an hour, my body started reacting. But not the way I had hoped and wanted. I started retching and almost vomiting. That's when my husband came home from work and found me. He immediately saw the empty packages and knowing my past suicidal tendencies, he reacted instinctively. He put his fingers down my throat and had me puke everything up, then he called an ambulance and had me admitted to the hospital.
I don't remember anything from the days I spent there. But I have been told they emptied my stomach and gave me lots of fluids. I was then assigned a psychiatrist which I am still seeing today.
I was gone for those days because I was in hospital, not because I was pulling some kind of trick and pretending to have ended myself.
So… I am sorry I "faked" my suicide.
I'm sorry my husband saved me. I am sorry the medics and doctors succeeded in saving my life.
I am sorry I survived and proceeded to live on. If I ever make another attempt, I promise to do better.
Why are you guys so persistent in trying to push people to suicide anyway? Do you get a kick out of it? Why do people have to be pushed to that point before you care?
What did we tell our daughter? Simply that I got sick and had to go to the hospital. She took that well.
I've seen a lot of people wonder why I am still around. Why shouldn't I? Does my daughter deserve to lose her mother over some online crap she doesn't even know about? I owe her to live and watch her grow up, to help her with her homework and whatever else a parent needs to do. I also owe my husband to stay by his side, like I promised him the day we got married. Even if I do not wish to live.
I'm sorry I survived, guys. Really, I am.
 9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it. And 1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.
 First… why would anyone make up trauma? It's not like it's a competition to have the worst life, is it?
Sadly, I don't have to make up anything. My life HAS been rocky up until the birth of my daughter. I have been through so much trauma I couldn't even fathom it myself before my therapist listed it all up to me. Until then, I had just been casually talking to her about it, like I would talk about the weather. I didn't cry or get in touch with my emotions even once while telling everything, because I was taught from an early age to never complain, to suck it up and go on. So, no matter what people did to me, I would just smile and go on, even if it killed me inside. I did not want to show any sign of weakness, because then they would attack me. A habit I developed through years of being bullied in school. Never show feelings, just pretend nothing could hurt you, then they would eventually grow tired of it and stop.
Except they never did. They kept going through all my years at school. To such an extent, my boyfriend didn't dare to show himself hanging out with me out of fear of being bullied himself… And as we grew older, he would start cheating on me too. And I kept smiling…
My next boyfriend was a bit older than me, and while that didn't bother me, as we were both well over legal age, it bothered him. We only lasted one year before he bailed out and ditched me out of the blue via an sms.
The next guy… was the one who scarred me for life. Both physically and mentally. A charmer at first of course, until I was trapped. He was unemployed, so he moved in with me, and I paid for everything from food to phone bills. All while he was dating several women behind my back, calling various pay-phone services and in general acted like a manwhore. As I worked as an electrician (also being subject to massive bullying and sexual harassment at work), he would be jealous of all my co-workers and if I ever came home late or worked overtime, he accused me of cheating and was extremely violent about it. He would also isolate me from my friends and family, making me think I couldn't get any other than him. If any of my male friends (almost all my friends are male…) came over, he would give me such hell afterwards, it was easier just to tell them it was a bad time to visit. And after a while, they stopped asking. This guy also demanded sex. Every single day. If I refused, he would punish me, mostly by flogging me with lampcords, belts or whatever else he had at hand. My back is a criss cross map of old, faded scars even now nearly 20 years later. I would have shown you a photo, but I am so self-concious about my body after all the bullying, I hardly even show my face in photos. Maybe one day… but I certainly need more therapy before being able to show naked skin to strangers, even if it's just my back. So I had non-consensual sex with him more often than consensual. It has taken me hours in therapy to even take the word in my mouth and call it by its proper name: rape. I was raped, almost every single day for little over a year, before I found the strength to break out of the relationship and finally throw him out of my house. It all ended when I found some revealing texts on his cellphone, which he was extremely protective of… Texts that revealed that he had engaged in a relationship with a 12 year old girl, and it had been going on for a while. Not only was he cheating on me, but he was a pedophile too. Needless to say, I didn't even let him pack his stuff before I fetched my shotgun and chased him out of the house. I don't know where I got the courage and strength from… but I was furious.
I thought I had gotten rid of him, but no. He started stalking me in public. Hiding behind shelves when I was shopping, his car following mine everywhere I went. I received weird letters in the mail with cut-out letters from newspapers, glued together. On top of all, his creepy, old uncle called me with some rather disgusting suggestions and tried to come on to me really hard. I had to change my phone number, and after coming home to my house and finding out someone had entered my home using a key, only to empty the drawer of my night table, I also had to change the locks of my doors as he had clearly copied the key.
He didn't stop until I got the police involved.
So, when I finally met the guy who would become my husband (or rather, we found out we were made for each other, we had known each other since we were 11 years old), I had major trust issues towards men especially and it took him endless patience and love to break me out of that shell.
But the trauma doesn't stop… or start there.
In the year 2000, on January 4th, I would experience something that made me unable to even look at a train for over 10 years. The Åsta accident (google it). I was a volunteer in the Norwegian Red Cross then, and a paramedic in training. Back then, you were allowed to start training the year you would turn 16. So, I was still 15 when I witnessed the most traumatic event of my life. The day started out calm, we were stocking up the ambulance after delivering a patient to the hospital when we got a call with the code "500", which means "catastrophe". Normally when we get that code it is a rehearsal… so we drove towards the coordinates with the thoughts that this was just an exercise, nothing real… we didn't prepare ourselves mentally… And we ended up in the closest thing to hell I have ever been… The sight of the burning trains, the smells, the sounds, the screaming… I still wake up by nightmares to this day. Though the moment that haunts me the most is when the screaming stopped… because we all knew why… I don't want to go into details, but 19 people died that day. But we also saved 67 people. I try to hold on to that thought. The age limit for starting paramedic training was raised after this, as I wasn't the only one who was too young for an accident of that scale. Today it is 18. A memorial stone has been placed on the site, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to visit it, even if we drive past the site every year on our way to visit family further north in the country. I needed hours of therapy to even be able to ride a train after this. To have gotten to the point where I now volunteer at a heritage railway and is in training to become a driver, is a HUGE step for me. My next goal is to visit the site of the accident.
On to next trauma… A previous employer, a rather large electric company in Norway, whom I worked for 8 years. The first five years were great, we were a close-knit bunch of electricians, and we had a great relationship with the bosses and higher-ups. Our labor union was strong.
It all started changing in 2009 when we got new leaders… and those decided to get rid of everyone who were a member of the union. One by one, they started harassing workers in various ways, trying to get them to quit. In Norway, they need a legal reason to fire you, it's not enough to not like someone. There has to be a good reason to fire someone e.g. theft, neglecting work… Since they didn't have any reasons to fire us, they started making our work lives gradually harder and harder until we would break and find another job. Sadly, one of my co-workers couldn't stand the pressure… He bid us all farewell as normal one Friday and hung himself the following day.. But as I was a girl in a male-dominated profession, I had been taught at an early stage to ignore anything that would hurt me emotionally, just arch my neck and plow through. I kept doing that, despite starting to feel more and more mental and physical pains… even my co-workers pointed out how I was being mistreated before I acknowledged it myself. I tried to tell my boss, but he reacted by treating me worse. So, I went to his boss… and that's when things went to hell. Instead of doing his job and listen, he started harassing me too. He deemed my over-weight a problem, and he started demanding I gave him detailed lists of what I ate and how much I worked out… Completely illegal of course, but by this point I was broken down to the point I thought I was useless and couldn't get another job… so I accepted. He started accusing me of lying about my exercise, so I started training at the gym in the basement at work instead. One day, while I was there, he locked the doors and turned the lights off. There were no windows, no cellphone reception and hardly anyone walking by in that part of the building… I sat there in the pitch dark for 3 hours before I was let back out. I still get badly triggered by narrow, dark rooms and rooms with no windows. To such an extent, I jumped out of a small window on the second floor of a gym when I was in boot camp. I was allowed to train downstairs in the bigger gym with windows on all walls after that incident…
The harassment at work went on for years until I finally snapped, ended up at the hospital and got into therapy for the first time. I don't want to go into depth about what more happened, I just can't… I can't bring myself to write it all. Luckily, I had gotten more education while working, so when I graduated, another company called and gave me an offer I just couldn't refuse. So, I quit my job and never looked back, even if the traumas I suffered there still haunts me to this day.
Sadly, even after switching jobs, now getting a safe job with sane leaders… I started to relax, and that's when all my past trauma came washing over me. And one day, on while driving to work, I had my first serious panic attack. It started as this feeling I used to have at the old company; getting sick to my stomach and having the sense of someone being out to get me… then it developed to breathing problems… and I had to pull the car over. I broke into tears, struggling to breathe, stumbling out of the car to read the logo on its side just to reassure my body and brain that I worked for a different company now and there was no reason for panic. I called my boss and let him know, because he also was a "refugee" from that other company, so he knew what me and several others had gone through. He managed to talk me down enough for me to come to the office to talk to him. That helped.
I got back into therapy. A better therapist this time. But sadly, it got apparent that I could no longer work as an electrician as there was too many triggers. I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and social anxiety. I'm still working on these and get better slowly.
I have been in therapy for a long time now, and it was my therapist that suggested I wrote fics to cope and "write it out". I tried to make up my own characters for this, but never felt any connection. I was by this time in the TTTE fandom and had met people with similar trauma and pasts like myself, and I started roleplaying with some of them. Me and a girl from UK then agreed to try to rp/co-write a fic to cope with our trauma. We both found it easier to write about pre-established characters we had a connection to, even if it was an au that made it barely recognizable from the original source material. Only the names and some minor things were similar.
That fic was Stepney's Virginity Gets Lost.
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Do we regret writing it? No. It helped us write out our traumas and helped us overcome some mental obstacles in out therapy process. Our therapists cheering us on, because we finally managed to break through the hard shell surrounding us. We both cried for the first time in years while writing it, some of it through roleplay, because some parts were extremely graphic and brutal and very mentally exhausting. We had to take long breaks between each writing session, so the fic wasn't written in just a weekend. But we got a lot of darkness out of our minds by writing all this. And we were definitely NOT aroused by it, like this pervert here claims.
It's when you dare to touch and feel the difficult and dark emotions, you can finally move along in the grieving process.
Should it have been posted online?
In retrospect, no. But at the time, we thought it might help other trauma victims, as we also found reading about other people's experiences and fictions touching painful subjects helpful to ourselves. So, we posted it, never expecting it to cause such a controversy 3 years later. In fact, we had more or less forgotten about it until it came back to bit us in the ass. Or rather, bite ME in the ass, as I am getting the full blame alone.
Also, despite what people claim, it was not posted openly for children to read. It was tagged properly and hidden behind mature content walls. If a minor chooses to break that wall, that's not the author's fault. It's the same as watching a movie with an age restriction way above your age, not the filmmaker's fault.
I think MerciResolution puts it nicely here:
"If your problem lies with you KNOWINGLY entering adult spaces when you’re a minor, ignoring all mature warnings that are literally SCREAMING at you “hey, this is what you’re getting into. Are you sure you want to proceed?”
That’s ENTIRELY on you. YOU are the fucking problem.
We’re marking mature things as best as we properly can. If you decide to ignore them, that’s your own damn fault. We’re not your fucking babysitters."
Also, I never posted the story on Wattpad, so if anyone has done that, it's not me. I posted the story on Fanfiction.net, DeviantArt and AO3, that's all. If it's posted anywhere else, it's not done by me.
I had honestly moved on from it when people pulled me back into it.
Other people who have done questionable shit in that fandom are easily forgiven because "they have moved on" or "changed". Yet, nobody believes I can move on or change…?
I had moved on; my interests had changed. But people won't let me, so here I am… Having to defend some crap I did years ago. A fic I no longer have any interest in.
I'm not even interested in TTTE anymore. I have moved on with my own book project now and I would like to focus on that.
So, deleting my TTTE content, whether it was the SFW or NSFW stuff, didn't cost me a penny. It actually felt like a relief. The only downside with it is that people now can't read it and make up their own opinion about it, but will solely believe in what others say, and those things are often seriously bent out of shape and blown out of proportions to such an extent it's barely recognizable.
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If people claim that Arry and Bert rape Stepney in the fic, they have never seen it or read it. That's not what happens. That's just an assumption made by looking at the title and knowing there is a rape/torture scene in it. But I'm not gonna tell who the victim is or who performed it, because this is the only way I am able to tell who has actually read the fic or not, who is just trying to spread bullshit and who is actually telling the truth. The person in that screenshot, has no idea what he's talking about.
Does SVGL romanticize rape and abuse?
No, not in the least. It's described as the horrible, heinous acts it is and is in no way meant to be cute or romantic and definitely NOT something anyone should get off to. If anyone finds it sexy, that's their problem, not the authors'. If anything, SVGL might romanticize suicide, because one of the characters isn't able to cope with his trauma and chooses to end their life. Which is something I considered doing myself when I was in the darkest pit of depression. So, I apologize for maybe romanticizing suicide. The following chapters describe how friends and family handle the loss and grief.
It also describes a toxic relationship, where one of the parts struggles to get out of it. They eventually manage to break free, but it is not easy. This can easily be translated to my previously mentioned relationship, as it was my way of writing out my experience about how hard it is to break out of a relation when your partner has broken you down to the point where you no longer believe in yourself and your self-worth.
The last chapters start to gradually become brighter, as both our lives started getting better too. But we never really wrote the end because we both lost interest in writing TTTE content by that time and just left it hanging.
I'm not the only one who has written NSFW TTTE fanfics out there. But it seems like violence and murder is more acceptable than sexual things? I do wonder how brutally mutilating children's show characters are more tolerable than sexually abusing them. Neither should be okay.
Some content creators hide behind "it was a joke". I have been told that such topics that SVGL touches upon shouldn't be joked about… so I didn't do that, and yet it was wrong? So how should such topics be treated? Be hidden like it's a shame, like in the old days when rape victims were told to suck things up and keep it to themselves? When those subject to abuse didn't dare to speak up because people would judge them?
I think it is important to talk about these subjects and why they are so problematic. Victims shouldn't have to hide their trauma; they should be allowed to talk openly about it without fearing judgement.
Some of you claim that writing isn't a good way to cope… You're trying to dictate how trauma victims deal with their trauma, and that's a dangerous path to walk down. Nobody handles trauma the same way. You might have your thoughts on how you would react, but you'll never know until trauma hits you… and you might not react the way you had expected or planned. Trauma messes with your head and you won't be able to think clearly. It makes you do thinks you normally wouldn't have done and can make you act out of character. So, do not judge people without having been in the same situation yourself. Ever.
Someone wrote that I have "more problems that just a rape".
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Read that again.
Just a rape.
This person does not know how damaging a rape can be. And if you made it this far in this post, you know I didn't only go through one, but several. Not just by my ex, but also being ambushed while I was walking home from a party, and later; a co-worker forcing himself onto me at a building site. I can't go into depth about them all, I just can't.
Just a rape…
"Just" the feeling of not being in control of your own body and your own decisions. "Just" being robbed off your dignity and self-worth. "Just" having someone intrude into your private zone, tear your clothes off and claim your body against your will. "Just" feeling how your life force leave you as you realize that fighting against it won't help you, and you silently give up and just lay down waiting for it all to be over. "Just" spending hours in the shower, scrubbing your skin until you bleed because you can't wash the filth away and you keep feeling dirty no matter how much you clean yourself. "Just" waking up at night, after having relived the scene again in a nightmare. "Just" looking over your shoulder wherever you walk because you heard something or thought you saw something or simply because someone is walking behind you. "Just" the fact that you'll never feel comfortable walking alone at night again or have someone walk behind you. "Just" never being able to relax because your body constantly think you're in grave danger. "Just" a rape…
That's such a neck-beard thing to say. Someone who clearly think of other people's bodies as property or things. Not taking into consideration that we are living, breathing individuals with feelings. And that having another person violate us isn't something we like or that we'll easily get over. We want to choose who we give ourselves to, nobody should be forced. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't want it. We didn't like it.
Rape is trauma.
Yes, we should have chosen other characters for the story, but we did what we did, and it cannot be undone now. So, if the only thing I will be remembered for in the fandom is that ONE fic, instead of all my other content, that's what it will be. That's what people chose to. I'm moving on.
10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).
*sigh*
This is something that could only happen in America, isn't it?
Some people don't bother educating themselves. The "nazi-letters" you guys are talking about is actually part of the Norwegian alphabet and has nothing to do with Nazism or white-supremacy to do at all. The Norwegian alphabet has 29 letters, the three extra is æ,ø,å or in capital letters: Æ,Ø,Å.
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We can't help it if some morons over in the US abuse these letters as symbol of their twisted mindset.
Yes, my name contains one of those letters. It is my name… and I didn't choose it. It is a common Norwegian name.
As for me being a Nazi?
Those who knows me knows that I am as far from a Nazi as one can get. I despise Nazism with all my heart.
But the reason some people choose to believe so… was that some guy who has no hobbies or life went through every single fave I've made on DeviantArt since I joined the site in 2006, which is well over 20000 faves. And he found a few Nazi-characters from a web series I was following about ten years ago. I am very interested in history and especially WW2-history, so I found that particular web-series interesting and faved some artwork related to it. What this guy failed to notice is that I also faved the Allied characters… That's ALL there is to that story.
I has also faved a pic someone made of Joseph Goebbels (I think it was?) as a Pixar Car. That's not because I have any nazi-sympathies, but I simply found the concept of turning historical persons, both good and bad, into Cars as an interesting project. I would have faved any other historical Carsified person as well.
As for me being a Norwegian and have a natural pale complexion, that's not something I can help. That's nothing I choose. And it doesn't make me racist or Nazi. Period.
11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.
Again. Get educated.
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This flag… is the actual flag of my country. The Kingdom of Norway.
There is nothing Nazi about it. It is not a symbol of white-supremacy. IT IS THE FLAG OF NORWAY.
During WW2 it was even illegal, so people would paint it everywhere in a protest against the Nazi-occpation and the SS. We even decorated our Christmas trees with it, and that is a tradition that has followed us into the modern day.
Again, if some idiots in the US choose to use it as a symbol for their disgusting logic, it is not Norway or the Norwegians' fault.
12. Being a danger to my daughter.
I need people to elaborate here.
What exactly do you think I do to my daughter? What is the cause of your concern here?
The fact that I have made NSFW content? How is that harmful to her as long as I keep it away from her? You DO realize that even authors, pornstars and moviemakers have children and that they can be good parents, right?
Do you think I read pornographic content for her as bedtime stories? Or show her porn instead of kids TV? How sick are you guys, really…?
Some people even wanted CPS to take my child away from me… Have a look at these screenshots…
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You want a happy, healthy, innocent child to be taken away from a stable, safe home with loving parents just because you don't like the content the mother made? You want her to be placed in foster care, where there is no guarantee that she will have a happy upbringing rather than have her stay with her parents who love her and care for her, for reasons she'll never understand and wasn't even aware of?
"Think of the children!" a lot of you say when it comes to my content. May I ask why this doesn't apply to my daughter?
Why do some of you go as far as to wishing her dead or wanting her to be removed from the home she feels safe and loved in? How is that thinking of the children?
As for the douchebag in that screenshot. You claim that if your mother did something like that you would want nothing to do with her… I have a question: Do you know EVERYTHING your mother do? Does she include you in each aspect of her life? Even her sexual life? No?
How do you know she doesn't do thing you don't approve of when you're not around? She could be a rabid pornmag reader for all you know. But stuff like that is something adults hide from their kids. So, you wouldn't know, unless you go snooping around in her business.
Everyone is entitled to privacy. What I and my husband do when our kid is not around is our business, not hers, and certainly not yours.
Porn and parenting are to be kept separate from each other. Period.
And we do.
There is absolutely no reason to be worried about my daughter. She is a happy, healthy child in a safe, stable home with family that loves her and cares for her. Not just me and my husband, but also grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
If you want to remove her from that over a stupid fanfic behind a mature content wall, you're the deranged person, not me.
 This is all I have to say about all this and my time in the TTTE fandom. I have left by my own, free will. Yes, I am aware that many people don't want me there. That's fine. I don't want to be there.
I am a bit disappointed in those people who just blindly unfollowed me and unfriended me without any questions asked, just followed the leader. Big users tend to dictate who and what is worth following in that fandom. They will even protect real predators, but I'm not going to open that can of worms now. I'm done with the fandom.
Some of those people, I have been talking to regularly, even supported when they faced hardships in the fandom themselves. But when I got in trouble, they ditched me without a word…
If anything, this whole ordeal showed me who to trust and not, and who were true to their word when it came to how deep our friendship was. True friends at least give you the chance to explain before they drop you. I hold no ill feelings to those who did, at least they asked me before judging.
And those who still stayed with me, are the ones who truly know me and who I really am.
Some of the worst libels posted about me might be reported to the police, but I haven't made up my mind yet. I am not mentally strong at the moment, so I don't know if I have the strength to legally follow it all up. I will ask the cops at work for advice on the matter.
All I ask for now is some peace.
You don't have to like me. You don't have to follow me. You don't have to like my content. Feel free to invalidate me, I know a lot of you will.
But please, stop bullying me and my family.
Please stop sending me horrid messages and death threats.
Please stop doxxing me and calling me.
Please leave my family alone. If you don't care about me, at least care about them.
Please just ignore me. I have already left the fandom, there is no reason to keep hunting me.
I just want to move on and go on with my life and the content I am currently working on. After years in therapy, my life has gotten better, and I want to move on.
Please let me.
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millennialzadr · 5 years
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WHY I LOVE ZADR!!!
HEY GUYS WHASSUP? LMAO
So this is a whole ass giant long post of me absolutely spewing my feelings of love for ZADR, it was the very first thing I wrote when I made this blog and I think it’s a nice, positive thing for my fellow shippers to inhale and enjoy 👌👌
it was originally a reply to mitarashiart’s post about why HE loves ZADR (link in replies) but I decided to delete that and make my own post since MY WHOLE ENTIRE TEXT WALL WAS SHOWN IN THE REPLIES and drowned out anyone else who was trying to talk (thanks tumblr mobile u fuckin idiot)
I had also posted a summary of an AU that I’m working on in the original post, but decided to remove it since it just about doubled the length (I’m thinking about posting it separately along with the wips I’ve been putting together, we’ll see 👀)
But ANYWAY, here is about a million reasons why I think ZADR is the fucking best, so if you like reading gushy gay ship feelings, please enjoy ❤️❤️❤️
[Posted June 2019][WARNING, LONG ASS THOUGHT BARF]
SOOO, holy hell y’all my journey back into this fandom has been a wild and unique experience for me, i went from adding invader zim to my bookmarks on kisscartoon, rewatching the series, finding out theres a movie coming out, finding out there was a shitload of content i’d never seen before (commentaries, lost episode scripts and audios, panels, the COMIC, episodes i’d never seen because the dvd i used to watch was scratched!! and a FUCKLOAD of quality modern fan art like oh my GOD) and finally curiously googling ‘zadr’ (which i was way into when i was maybeee 13/14) to see if there was any interesting new art, and holy hell, mita (the artist above) singlehandedly THREW me down the hole into modern zadr hell, first with his absolutely stunning IZ art (all his art is dope tho check him out yo), then reading the above explanation put the final nail in the coffin like, 100%
so i wanted to add onto his post here on why this ship got me so fucked up, both for anyone who might be wondering why on earth i’m shipping two characters from a kid’s show (i’m very aware how weird that is at first glance trust me) and also so i can get some ideas down for possible future reference (will i ever draw them? maybe)
(first of all, a disclaimer, and this is not pleasant to write but it’s important to address for clarity’s sake: I have no interest in romantic or sexual relationships between minors, and do not ship zim and dib as they are presented canonically in the show (as children). what i’m interested in is the conceptualized relationship they may have as modern adults, and i view zadr more as taking the concepts of existing characters and experimenting with them with different interpretations, which i personally think is a constructive and fun creative outlet, especially if these characters hold personal significance for you (childhood faves of course). growing up together is an important facet of their relationship, and certainly they were important to each other even as children (see: mopiness of doom) but as an adult i’m personally curious about what kind of adults they might’ve become, and that’s the focus of my interest. i’ll still be reblogging regular IZ art because it’s dope but if you see shippy looking art of them as tiny lil beans its either friendship or chibis (and i personally headcanon zim as getting taller with dib but some people stick with his canonical height when drawing them as adults, which is super short. it still doesn’t mean he’s a kid). aaand i wish i didnt have to write this and it would just be obvious but we live in a sick sad world and it is sourced from a children’s cartoon so i feel its necessary. end of disclaimer)
NOW THAT THAT’S OUT OF THE WAY
- ok, first reason’s a bit obvious - the nostalgia. holy hell, the feeling of rediscovering a ship that was popular when i was a preteen during the mid 2000s and discovering a totally new perspective on it as an adult comes with an almost totally overwhelming sense of nostalgia and comfort, as well as inspiration!! the kind of art that seems so common for zadr, these sketch pages of scenes and expressions and visual gags where artists would just scribble every idea they had and LOVE doing it, this was exactly the kind of art that made me so passionate about drawing as a kid, and it still sparks such a powerful feeling of love and admiration for me to this day. fan content of iz and zadr is simultaneously achingly familiar and totally new and fascinating, and it just makes me SO damn happy to consume, it is most definitely my new comfort content. and just, GOD. THE ART!! SO GOOD. FUCK
- now for the characters themselves: for some reason i just really love the thought of a mid twenties, modern Dib?? lanky goth dork, disaster bi, depressed as shit, uses bad sweaters and memes to cope?? when i was a kid i didn’t even LIKE Dib, but now i totally sympathize with him! he’s just a hyper obsessive nerd wishing there was more to life than the situation he got stuck with, how wildly relatable. he was a pretty big asshole as a kid (even to people besides zim) but he was also totally isolated and constantly bullied, so there’s a lot of room for growth. i feel there’s a lot of juicy character development potential for that boy, and there’s always been a special place in my heart for characters who are totally sad and screwed and hopeless, but there’s one thing, or person, that means the world to them and could possibly save them…
- aliens. Zim. i love nonhuman characters, i love monsters, i love aliens, i love characters that don’t understand human shit (and thus have much less room for shame or fear bc theyre just totally oblivious the negatives of modern society) and need guidance (bonding!!) from their human. i also love morally grey characters and characters with skewed logic, they’re always really interesting, and Zim himself just has such a unique personality and set of mannerisms, he contradicts himself a lot and you can never quite expect how he’ll behave, and i love that in a character, it makes them super versatile and fun, especially since there’s so many different possibilities for their development. Also, Zim is a gremlin, a little shit, and a disaster. I also love those traits in a character. And don’t even get me started on his character design?? big sparkly eyes? expressive antennae? monster teeth? complimenting colors? he’s adorable.
- mutual obsession. for someone like Dib, who seems almost repulsed by how boring and slow the people around him are, Zim quite literally personifies Dib’s  escapist fantasies, both as an inhuman entity from beyond the stars, and as a person who’s knowledge, charisma and mystery far exceeds that of anyone Dib has met in his entire life. (so basically what i’m saying is that for a shunned, jaded misanthropist, an actual alien is terribly alluring, even if said alien is dangerous, stupid, and possibly insane). not to mention Zim vindicates Dib’s entire life passion, the supernatural! Even when their relationship is totally negative, there is not a single inch of room for Dib to get tired of Zim. as mita explained, they validate each other. for Zim, WHO AGAIN, IS TOTALLY SHUNNED, ISOLATED, AND HATED BY EVERYONE HE KNOWS, Dib is the only person in the universe who gives a single shit about him!! he gives Zim credit as a threat, a capable invader, which if you ask me is the sole thing Zim is after (he’s hellbent on his mission because it would win him the approval of the tallest, all he’s ever wanted is recognition from the people he thinks so highly of). He literally gets depressed when Dib isn’t around to pay attention to him, not even the tallest were enough to motivate him before Dib came back. these two have no one and nothing without each other, and while lifelong nemeses is fine and dandy, i personally prefer friendship, affection and love, cause i’m a softie like that. how could they possibly get there after years of actively trying to kill each other?? well, i think under just the right circumstances it could become a possibility after a long, long time.
- growth. i. love. me. some. good. character growth. especially for characters with trauma/mental illness, bc again, relatable. these boys have issues, and as mita mentioned, their canon stories are actually INCREDIBLY sad! but the happy thought is, they could recover! they could help each other recover, for little reason other than the two are the only source of happiness for each other. now of course this also opens the gate for angst lovers, but at the same time offers potential for comforting, uplifting content of the boys supporting and inspiring each other, maybe even to the point of becoming happy and healthy enough to create the lives they want for themselves (as in appreciating life and doing things that make them actually happy instead of the delusions of grandeur they both sought when they were younger). gimme that positive shit and let the poor beans be happy  щ(ಠ益ಠщ)
- LITTLE THINGS. LITTLE THINGS THAT ONLY COME WITH CHILDHOOD FRIENDS. WITH HUMAN/NONHUMAN. WITH THE SHOW’S WEIRD LOGIC. Zim being the person Dib knows best and vice versa. Zim having an involuntary respect/admiration for Dib because he’s tall. Learning each other’s needs, limits, and communication methods, both emotionally and biologically. Sensitive antennae. Affectionate bickering. Being less insecure bc your partner literally has no idea why you see your flaws as flaws. Laughing at the flaws they do notice because they make no sense. Zim only wanting to eat waffles and chow mein. Dib being forced to overcome his depression lethargy and stay hygienic/keep the apartment clean because Zim has a sharper sense of smell and is afraid of germs. Endless conversation about anything and everything because they’re from literally different worlds, and endless intrigue. TOUCHING. TALKING. DOING EVERYTHING LIKE ITS THE VERY FIRST TIME AND ALWAYS NEEDING THE OTHER TO GUIDE THEM. HOLY HELL THERE IS SO MUCH POSSIBILITY FOR TINY LITTLE MOMENTS THAT MEAN THE WORLD. FUCK. GOT ME FUCKED UP.
so that wraps up the why. fuck man. its just such a good ship. if you read this big ass text post, thank you for indulging me, i hope you enjoyed it! because i enjoy it very much 👀 so stick around if you’d like to for a shit load of IZ and zadr content on this blog, possibly (MAYBE) even from me!! come roll around in alien hell with me why dontcha ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ its a fun time! thanks for reading!!!
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SO THAT’S MY MANIFESTO Y’ALL, FEEL FREE TO REPLY WITH YOUR OWN REASONS!! I WOULD LOVE FOR THIS POST TO JUST BECOME A BIG GIANT PILE OF LOVE AND YELLING!! GO NUTS! SCREAM ABOUT IT! INFODUMP! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! I’LL READ EVERY LAST REPLY! Y’ALL DESERVE TO ENJOY YOUR SHIP BC IT’S LITERALLY THE FUCKING BEST!!! LOVE Y’ALL!!!!!!
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jlf23tumble · 4 years
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Recap: Radio City Live 2012
Welp, it’s been a long time since I recapped atcha, and this one’s been sitting in my “to do” folder since forever, so as a pubic-adjacent tattoo once wisely told me, might as well! This recap was requested by @quietasides​, and yikes, I think your request was more than a year ago? Maybe? I sure hope it’s worth the wait! Today, we’re gonna journey back to summer 0-12 (specifically, July 21, 2012), when the D did an interview for Radio City Live (specifically, Radio City 96.7)…the full clip is at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZcAsHX63IU, and it’s only 7 minutes long, so you know (I know, you know) I want you to watch it in full, but if you want the absolute highlight, it’s boner city, population: two, perfectly giffed here, https://quietasides.tumblr.com/post/102154509421/yalright. Before we get this chaos started, I’ll just say in my defense that there is ALWAYS a lot of cross-talk and flirting and inside jokes (quiet asides, if you will), so it’s worth watching any interview a few times to check out your particular fave because odds are he’s doing something subversive. Shanyway, let’s do this!
I’m all for those subtle public comfort moments, but I’m pretty sure this leg spread isn’t strictly necessary...as ever, Niall’s the most relatable, is this how you do it, guys? Guys?!
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The action giffed above starts at the 30-*second* mark, with Zayn pointing out Harry’s condition, Louis’s dazed sneak peek, god, the entire convo that happens between Louis and Harry in the span of a few seconds while this poor interviewer’s just tryin’ to do his job, completely oblivious to it all. How many times in those five years did Liam have to take the wheel, just as he does here? Anyway, it’s all terribly exciting, so Louis has to jump up and sit in a different way to hide his dick—and check it out for himself—as Liam hits the talking points, but me as Niall, you ain’t slick!
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The interviewer HAS TO TALK ABOUT THE FANS, how dare they do what they’re supposed to do, which is to scream their heads off, so Louis tells him quite seriously that he’s “actually” going slightly deaf in his right ear, and everyone says the word tinnitus in various soft and hard i’s until we can move on to the next (surprisingly hard-hitting) question: “Have you had any really bad experiences with the fans yet, any weird threats?” And according to Liam, Louis has had a weird one, and the interviewer’s all set to dig, but Louis says it’s dark and not really worth talking about (cheers for bringing it up, Liam), and google tells me it was something to do with a kidnapping plot, which yikes. There’s a cross-talked joke from Louis that stitches Niall up, but I’m damned if I can hear it, five replays later.
Moving on, is the D ready for 10,000 scousers screaming tonight, and u know what? They totally are! “We love allllll scousers,” Louis says, rather cryptically as Liam attempts to deep-throat a mic:
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“What are you gonna sing?” the interviewer flirts at all of them while shoving a mic at Harry, who in a boner daze says, “Weeeeeeeee are gonna do One Thing...Up All Night” (okay, we geddit), and the interviewer wonders if What Makes You Beautiful will be on the list, too, and Harry’s delivery on, “It’s a mystery!” is a pure delight.
The roster for tonight’s concert is “massive,” so who do they want to collaborate with from this (Louis voice insert) MASSIVE lineup tonight? Labyrinth is someone (??) Niall wants to collaborate with, but Harry is all about Little Mix, and there are a lot of all-encompassing hand gestures trying to convey what a perfect collab it would be, and boy, he’s not wrong (then or now, I would love to see it). All the rambling about the One D/Little Mix collaboration or connection and the wild arm gestures earns him a “the wind makes nice waves/that’s true”_1.0,mp3, and I think that’s neat.
OUT OF NOWHERE, the interviewer says someone called blah blah wants to know if you’d ever pose naked, and Liam’s flat “wow.” (yes, he inserted that period) feels hella ironic, but the interviewer presses on with, “No, never?” and shoves the mic in Louis’s face because, yeah, I suppose if you were wondering who would be first, he’d be your guy?? Liam says he would if the money was good (noted!!), which Louis clarifies as “for charity”, mmmmhmmmm, “we’d want BIG MONEY for charity,” Liam parrots.
Good news, this is ALSO the interview that has this guy asking them who’s the biggest party animal, pointing the mic to Harry and saying it has to be him, but Louis sets us all straight: “I think it used to be me, but I’ve settled down” (okay), with Harry adding, “he’s grown up” (OKAY), move your arm, dude:
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“Harry and Louis, you’re best mates, any other bromances in the band? You two are really close, we know that,” just, stop it, my heart! “We all get on,” says Louis, “we get on with different people at different stages…,” and you know what, I’m not even listening.
This guy wants to know about the bad press stories and how they cope, and Liam straight-up lies, “I don’t read too much of it,” but I’m most curious about Louis saying he saw a story recently that was even MORE over the top than them all being dead at various points in their two-year-history, and I wanna knowwwwwwwwwww.
“Where do you see yourselves in twenty years’ time?” Liam hasn’t expected to get this far in two years, prompting Louis to say that Liam will be the new Gary Barlow, for sure (Liam’s aiming high, Robbie all the way!). This prompts the interviewer to restate that as Liam being the first to exit the band, and Louis’s zingy delivery on his words being twisted, I felt that. Like, I litcherally felt it. So who will go out first, this guy wonders, and Louis explains that the band’ll be over when that happens, god, time to hum a few bars of “Too Young.” Liam thinks that if you leave the band, you’ll just sit around your house doing nothing, which, inchresting.
Niall and Zayn have been fairly quiet up until now, but now it’s Niall’s time to shine! This guy has a bunch of deep 'Pool questions, and Niall’s ready to not only nail (heh) all of them, but to do so in a scouse accent no less. Talent!! I can’t even recap these because they’re fast and hella specific, so tl/dr, Niall wins!! Even the interviewer is impressed! It’s a great excuse for them to all touch each other a lot:
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Just so you know, Niall’s willy got hurt in this incident. Sigh. I know there are other interviews with this back drop, and I could have sworn he also got pushed off the couch in this one, but alas, that injury was probably right after or before this one.
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lochroma · 4 years
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[SMASH ANNOUNCER VOICE] IKE (for the character meme.... >:3)
YEAAAAAAAAAAA
How I feel about this character: I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AAAHDJEHDH!!!!🥺💖💖💖💖 one of my absolute fave comfort characters of several years
All the people I ship romantically with this character: def ike/ranulf, uhh (taps url)- but more on that later, lowkey ike/link and ike/roy based on fanart i saw but that was like. years ago lmao. YES its mostly cross shipping and i can live with that
My unpopular opinion about this character: that he's not stupid!! he actually does think quite a bit and he's intelligent as we can see in game, he's just very blunt and logical about his spoken observations and doesn't talk much outside of what's necessary, at least to people he's not especially closed to anyways.
One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: can we PLEASE get more dumb siblings content in canon?? please?? im a very desperate middle child just here to see some Fun Family Times(tm), the good and the bad. also i wish canon would've allowed ike more fleshed out interpersonal relationships with the rest of the mercenaries bc you KNOW he cares about the og mercenary crew with everything he has (minus shinon. we don't talk abt him tho 😤)
My non-romantic OTP for this character: ikesoren probably!! in my heart, they have a more familial relationship and soren actually grows emotionally into being dependant on other individuals outside of ike, like. healthy ways to cope with childhood trauma!! also, i feel like he would've been part of the family from the start, had he returned with ike to the village when they were kids.
my OTP: hh. ikemarth,,, and im both sorry and very much not sorry. in a perfect world, the bunches of shitty, f*jo-written fics and artworks don't exist and only ppl who understand the characters' real personalities are allowed to create content. that's how it is, sorry!
my cross over ship: a bold assumption that im not stuck in crackship hell! this is the hill im buried under tho. (aka, ikemarth again)
a headcanon fact: FAT IKE!! fat greil sibs are real and canon. i played tellius myself i know how it goes.
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Savannah, Jac, Amelia & Isabelle
Savannah: What are we doing to get party ready? Savannah: because I vote we hit the spa to get our collective ✨ back Savannah: it should be ILLEGAL how my skin looks Jac: No way, I was JUST thinking how good your skin looked like THIS morning Jac: but it's never NOT a good time for the spa too though so 🤭 Savannah: your hype is everything! I don't even deserve how flawless you are in a beyond skin deep way Savannah: but yes to the spa being my go to fave ^^ Amelia: I can't Jac: only giving what you put out, it is beyond deserved ❤❤ Jac: Why not Meelie? Amelia: I'll be at the party but the only way I could be there too is if my mum comes with and NOBODY wants that Jac: Your mum is fun Amelia: not that fun Jac: Doesn't [some boujee place they'd like] have a 10% discount right now, Savvy? Jac: they do THE BEST facials Savannah: 👏🏾 Yes! You have the BEST taste & I think it's actually gone up to 15% 🙌🏾 Isabelle: Awh 😟 it sounds like so much fun but mine won't give me any money and I'm so broke after getting those new trainers Savannah: Don't be silly! It's totally my treat, Is Savannah: your pores shouldn't have to stay clogged for the sake of those trainers Jac: That is so generous of you 🥺🥺 Jac: I NEED a hot oil hair treatment like yesterday, I don't know why it's so dry right now but it's not a mood Savannah: your hair looked beautiful yesterday & if you don't believe me, I literally heard so many girls from the year above talking about it so Jac: 😳😳😳 Jac: well I KNOW Ty heard those 6th years talking about you, he was so jealous, bless him 🥰 Savannah: I was in the bathroom overwhelmed by sadness & I heard your name over & over, it felt seriously fated Savannah: oh my god, he refuses to tell me what they sad, I've given him the full 🥺 & everything Savannah: *said Amelia: maybe you need bigger eyelashes Savannah: Do you think? Jac: Oh my God, where even was I? Boo! 😖 You should have called so I could come find you Jac: no way, you like, INVENTED puppy dog eyes, your natural lashes are so thick and dark Jac: he's just saving your blushes, so cute Savannah: ugh, my phone was like dying because Sienna had all this drama with a girl in her class earlier Savannah: 🥰 you're so cute, I can't even handle all these compliments Jac: Is she okay or do we need to talk to this girl? Jac: her year is vicious, I swear Savannah: she says she's okay but she can't hide how upset she is from me Jac: You're way too empathetic, you know her inside out Jac: Poor Sienna, does she want to come too? Savannah: that's SUCH a great idea, I'll ask her Jac: We could all get matching nails Isabelle: Sorry...mum called Isabelle: won't that be really expensive though? are you super sure Sav? Savannah: of course, Is Savannah: it's not like I need a new outfit for Erin's house party Isabelle: Yay, thank you so much! 😁 So you can come too Meels? Amelia: No Amelia: it wasn't about the money, remember? Isabelle: 😥 you don't want to be left out though Amelia: there's nothing I can do about that Isabelle: oh that's such a shame Isabelle: I'll bring you back some of those mini cakes and sandwiches they do Amelia: thanks Amelia: I'll see you at Erin's Jac: Are you sure there's no way? Amelia: you've really forgotten the 📅 haven't you? Jac: Oh, it's her birthday Jac: right? Amelia: yeah Savannah: we should send her 💐 from all of us Savannah: I love your mum Jac: Are you definitely coming to the party then? Amelia: I'll be there Amelia: Erin throws a good party Jac: 💐 is a great idea, we can go pick them out Jac: what are you doing with her today then? Amelia: 🎭🩰 totally not my thing but my dad won't take her Amelia: she doesn't think I will either, so it'll be stay a huge surprise Jac: That's really nice, she'll love it Jac: I'd love to go sometime Savannah: Ballet lessons were the highlight of my Saturday when I was little, I was obsessed Savannah: mainly for the outfits though 😄 Jac: I can so picture you with your little bun 😊 adorable Savannah: [pics because she's that bitch] Jac: 😭😭😭😭 Jac: how have you always been PERFECT Jac: I was so ugly 😬😂 Amelia: no you weren't Jac: I so was Jac: you and Is were really sweet and I was so 😱😱 Jac: never mind the puppy fat, yikes Amelia: the fringe my mum forced me to have was not sweet 😣 Savannah: I'm with Amelia, you were definitely such an 👼🏻👶🏻 Amelia: she was Amelia: [pics of them all as kids but especially her being bffs with Jac to make that point to Savannah like] Jac: You guys are so sweet Jac: I love you Isabelle: I look exactly the same is that a good or a bad thing Amelia: 😂 Amelia: better than looking like 👧🏻 Amelia: I'm literally an emoji Isabelle: Iconic, some would say Isabelle: 🤭 Savannah: these pics are going to make me cry, I swear Savannah: too adorable Savannah: as if you've all been friends for so long Jac: It's so wild to me that we weren't friends before now Jac: we should've been friends this whole time too Savannah: I know, but I guess I wasn't ready until now Savannah: I had so much character development to do first Jac: 🙌🙏 ^^ SAME Jac: it had to be now Jac: you're all being nice about it but I would lowkey DIE if you knew me even a few years ago Jac: not cute Savannah: ^^^^^^ Savannah: Ty hasn't seen me before we got together & I 🙏🏾 he never will Amelia: he didn't go to another school, I think he knows that you existed before him Jac: the glo-up is too real to go back 💁 Savannah: I'm still waiting for my glow up Savannah: there's only so much the spa can do Jac: 😤 you're so FLAWLESS Jac: like literally, there isn't a single thing wrong with you Savannah: stop, I don't know if I'll start blushing or sobbing Isabelle: I would love to look like you, Savannah Isabelle: what should I wear tonight? Isabelle: I want Tom to notice me Savannah: I'm flattered but you need to embrace your own beauty, Is Savannah: it's so important Savannah: Oh, Tom R or Tom S? Isabelle: Ew, Tom S Isabelle: I made out with Tom R last year and it was baaaad bad Savannah: One second, I'll ask Ty about him now I have the right Tom Isabelle: I'm so excited I might puke Savannah: okay so he likes to make the first move, you'll need to dress like you're not the kind of girl who kissed Tom R Isabelle: How do I do that? I need help 😩 Savannah: maybe you can borrow something of Amelia's Isabelle: Can I Meels? Isabelle: I dunno if I'll suit your style though...I'm not cool Amelia: I couldn't get the grass stains out of the skirt you borrowed last time Isabelle: Whoops 😉 Amelia: and you don't need to dress to impress Tom S anyway, he's nothing special Isabelle: He's so lush though Amelia: 🤨 Isabelle: Come on! You have eyes Isabelle: isn't he so fit guys Savannah: I only have eyes for one boy, but he does have nice eyes himself Jac: You've done worse Isabelle: Yeah, Tom R for example Isabelle: 😨 Savannah: 😅 Savannah: You know who apparently is the worst kisser ever, Donovan! Savannah: have you ever kissed him, Is? Isabelle: Have I? Isabelle: 🤔 Amelia: he leaned in to 💋 but you 🤮 on his trainers Isabelle: Ha! Isabelle: Dodged a bullet, apparently Jac: He wasn't as fast Savannah: Oh my god! Jac: It was so shaming, we had to call her mum to pick her up Savannah: my parents would kill me Jac: Your mum is like, beyond chill, Is Jac: she lets you get away with loads Savannah: I'd be beyond jealous if I wanted to kiss Tom R, or fall down drunk in his path, at least Savannah: thankfully he's not my type Isabelle: Not even, she was so mad at me for ages Isabelle: I was sick in the fireplace Isabelle: it was so hard to clean Jac: Is that friend of Ty's going? Jac: 😶 Savannah: yes Jac: 🥴 Isabelle: oooooooooooooooooh, do you like someone J?!?!? Savannah: he doesn't usually go to house parties but as soon as he heard you were, he recognised that Erin's had potential Isabelle: who who Savannah: J doesn't want to make a big deal out of it Amelia: then why turn it into a big secret? Jac: It's no secret Jac: but Is has already got no chill and you know I'm shy Jac: I won't be able to cope with how blatant her 👀 is Amelia: you could've told me that you liked someone Jac: I am telling you Jac: like, right now Amelia: not really Jac: What do you mean? 🤨 Amelia: I mean, you're not actually telling me anything Jac: I'm not trying to like, commandeer this whole convo and make it about me Jac: but okay Jac: he's one of Ty's friends, he's on the team too Amelia: I could scroll up for that info but okay Jac: I don't know what you want me to say? Jac: I've not spoken to him properly yet, he's just interesting Amelia: interesting how? Jac: 😳 Savannah: is this third degree honestly necessary? Jac: maybe I shouldn't go now Jac: I'm feeling kinda off Savannah: Baby 😔 Savannah: we can do whatever you want to do Jac: No, I won't spoil your guys fun Jac: you should all go Savannah: it won't be any fun without you Savannah: & anyway, if you don't feel well you need someone there to take care of you Jac: You'd do that for me? Jac: you'll make me cry, I swear Savannah: It's just a stupid party, you're you Jac: Will Ty be mad at you? Savannah: of course not, all his friends will be there, he doesn't need me as much as you do Jac: I wanna still try to do the spa Jac: for Sienna Jac: but I just can't see him now, the anxiety is too high Savannah: she'll understand if we have to reschedule but it might make you feel better to be pampered Savannah: but I'll give you a facial if you can't cope with a full spa situation Savannah: it's totally your decision Jac: I do have this new mask I think will be amazing for your skin type Jac: bring Sienna, she can see the new pup we just got Savannah: you understand too, don't you, Is? Savannah: I'll take you for a manicure next week, I promise Isabelle: Oh, yeah, totally Isabelle: mum said it's too much to accept anyway Isabelle: Are you sure you don't want to come though? Isabelle: sounds like he really wants to see you Savannah: I'm here for you if you want any more outfit help for Tom, just facetime me Isabelle: Thank you sweetie, I'm really torn between these 3 dresses Isabelle: wait, 4 Isabelle: I'll definitely call Jac: You're a doll, Is Jac: Tom is gonna be 😍 Savannah: ^^ I can't wait to hear how blown away he is by you Isabelle: I'll give you all the rundown tomorrow morning 😁😁😁 Isabelle: do you want to go together, Meels? Amelia: I've got to put the time in with mum, I'll probably be late getting there Amelia: don't worry about waiting for me Isabelle: Okay, if you're sure Isabelle: come find me when you get there Amelia: yeah, Tom's tall, I'll be able to Isabelle: 🤤🤤🤤 Isabelle: he's so tall Amelia: play it cool, Is Isabelle: 😖 Savannah: you don't need to listen to Amelia, she's not an expert Amelia: I don't need to know about boys, I know her Isabelle: I don't wanna be sick on this one's shoes Amelia: of course you don't Amelia: trust me, drink less, dance more Jac: you should let him give you your first drink Savannah: 👏🏾 he'll LOVE that Isabelle: Ugh, thanks guys Isabelle: I am going to need to pre-drink though Isabelle: for my nerves Amelia: me too, for my 🎭🩰🧠 Jac: What ballet is it? Amelia: 🔥🐦 Jac: Your mum will love it Amelia: she hasn't already seen it, that's a good start Jac: I haven't either Jac: I mean, I just watch the performances at home but yeah Jac: we've sent the flowers via one of those postbox ones, they'll come tomorrow Amelia: she'll love those too Amelia: maybe even more than seeing me dressed for 🎭🩰 Jac: send us your outfit too then, yeah Amelia: no way, they're going nowhere but my mum's facebook Jac: I am her friend, you know Isabelle: hey, I'm not! Amelia: add her, she won't mind Isabelle: I'm so going to Isabelle: not my Insta though Isabelle: I've blocked mine 💁 Amelia: it's okay, I don't let her on my insta either any more Amelia: she leaves too many 😳 comments Isabelle: Mammys are the worst Isabelle: 😬😬 Amelia: at least she understands socials, my dad is clueless Amelia: and he's not THAT old Isabelle: My nan loves selfies Amelia: your nan is my everything Amelia: if I could bring her to the party tonight, I would Isabelle: 😂 you're so wild Amelia: tear yourself away from whichever Tom it is and you'll see Isabelle: not with Pam thank you 🤣 Isabelle: she has a boyfriend Amelia: get it Pamela Isabelle: his name is Brian Isabelle: they go down dolly mount every Friday, it's so cute Amelia: I'm so happy for them Jac: Awh, how sweet Jac: What about Jackie, has she been dating? Isabelle: She never tells me anything Isabelle: she says she's too busy working Amelia: Jackie doesn't need a man Isabelle: You sound just like her! Amelia: cut me deeper, Is 💔 Isabelle: sorry, you do though Isabelle: do you listen to the same female empowerment spotify playlist? Amelia: link me, I'd probably I'd be into it Isabelle: [does, imagine those single lady tunes lmao] Amelia: 😂 Amelia: this could save my life when I hate the 🎭🩰 Isabelle: no, no, take this Isabelle: [some dance sexy sassy playlist she's listening to] Amelia: you should send that one to Erin Amelia: save the party too Isabelle: Good idea Isabelle: [some cringy tiktok moment of her dancing, Isabelle stop] Amelia: [a video of amelia dancing amazingly at some party or other recently that Isabelle had to go home early from so she missed it, cos we gotta remind the lurking bae who we are] Isabelle: 🤯🤯🤯🤯 YOU'RE SO GOOD Isabelle: you should post! you'd get so many likes Amelia: I was so drunk, that's all Savannah: I can't believe that's you! Amelia: 🤔 am I flattered or offended Isabelle: Meels has always been a good dancer Isabelle: you should teach me Amelia: we can start tonight if it won't make Tom rage that he isn't teaching you something Isabelle: it's for his benefit Isabelle: so many lads are gonna be 😍 at you Amelia: they'll be looking at you if I do it right Isabelle: I'm fine with that 😋 Amelia: me too Jac: [some message between Ty and this Tom with some form of insider info they've made him get lol like you're welcome Isabelle but you also owe us now] Amelia: I'm seriously not understanding why you like him, Is Isabelle: 😲 OMG OMG Isabelle: it is so useful having a boy on our team Isabelle: thank you Ty, ahhhhhhh Isabelle: [pictures of him like hello] Savannah: We all want you to be happy Isabelle: 🥺🥺 awwwww Savannah: did you narrow down your outfit picks yet? Isabelle: no, I'm making toasties Isabelle: mum said I have to line my stomach 🙄 Jac: I hope that doesn't make a reappearance later Amelia: Erin's 🏠 is lovely, try not to redecorate it for her Amelia: can I stay over at yours, Is? Amelia: my parents will be all 😍🥰😘 Isabelle: 🤢🤢🤢 Isabelle: You can Isabelle: mum's on nights so she'll be gone and we won't have to worry about waking her up Amelia: if Tom's staying too, tell me now because that's as 🤢 Isabelle: Amelia! Amelia: I don't want to see or hear it, sorry Isabelle: he won't be staying, oh my gosh Amelia: okay Isabelle: I'm not a slag Isabelle: that's just what Kane put about when I dumped him for two-timing me Amelia: until I shut him up Isabelle: Ha, that was funny Isabelle: I thought he was gonna cry Amelia: he probably did when he went home Jac: 👏 Amelia: I should probably go get 🎭🩰 ready Amelia: 😣 this 👗 though Amelia: I'm going to look like I belong on Pam's 🚽 to hide her 🧻 Jac: 😏 Jac: it's not like you can wear your grass-stained skirt Amelia: It's long gone Jac: Shame Amelia: yeah, I liked it Jac: and Is had a good time in it Jac: fond memories Amelia: I'm sorry, okay? Jac: ... Jac: What? Amelia: for the 'third degree' earlier Jac: Oh, right Jac: well thanks for apologising, that's mature of you Amelia: I can be, sometimes Jac: I wouldn't suggest otherwise Amelia: I just had no idea you liked any of Ty's friends Jac: It's not like a thing, is all Jac: I'm not like in love with the boy Jac: you'd know if it was serious Amelia: would I? Jac: Obviously Jac: don't be silly Amelia: I have to go, I wouldn't have time to be silly even if you wanted me to Jac: Make sure your mum has a good time then ❤ Amelia: she will, I've booked a dinner reservation and everything Savannah: That's so cute! I feel like I should be a better daughter starting today Jac: Same Jac: putting us all to shame Isabelle: I only got my mum a necklace from the market for her birthday Isabelle: and it made her neck go green 😩 Amelia: she's been annoying me less lately Amelia: actually being helpful Isabelle: 🥳🥳🥳 Amelia: I didn't realise she was good for advice AND gossip Jac: You know you can talk to us too, right Isabelle: ^^ We're your best friends forever Amelia: it's nothing, I thought I liked someone too but I got it wrong Isabelle: but you never like ANYONE Isabelle: no offence Amelia: none taken Isabelle: you'll find someone Meels 😙 Amelia: maybe Amelia: maybe not Isabelle: Of course you will, you're lovely! Isabelle: right girls Jac: But she can take as much time as she likes, Is Savannah: Ty has so many amazing friends when you are ready, but there's no rush Amelia: Thanks Sav, but they're not my type Jac: I hate to think of your mum waiting on her birthday Jac: you don't wanna be late because Is still hasn't picked an outfit Amelia: don't worry, I'm going Isabelle: See you at Erin's 💖 Jac: Later 👋 Amelia: yeah x 2
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imagine-loki · 5 years
Text
a Chance
TITLE: A Chance
CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: One-shot
AUTHOR: breemaggs
ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki apologizing to you for being cruel to you for no good reason and you responding that it’s fine, you’re used to it. He stares at you for a moment, trying to gauge if you’re joking (you are not), and finally replying, “That… does not make it better.” You only seem confused, which makes him feel even worse about being an ass to you.
RATING: M
NOTES/WARNINGS: Rated M for language. Enjoy!
I was uncomfortable. Like, so uncomfortable. I stared at the literal God and prince in front of me, wishing that I was anywhere but where I was. Anywhere. Social situations made me twitch at the best of times, but this was a whole other level. Seriously.
Because he wasn’t just putting me on the spot. He was forcing me to recognize the fact that he’d hurt my feelings, offended me, and just shit on me in general. In public. In front of people. In front of my co workers, some of which were the Avengers.
I’m sure I was fifty shades of red with embarrassment. Not because of his words. Not really. But because of where he’d chosen to do it. I’d always hated it when people stared and people tended to stare at Loki wherever he went.
The words, “I apologize for being, for lack of a better term, a complete ass to you over the period of our acquaintance. I’ve been rude and it was uncalled for. You’ve never been anything but polite to me. I’m sorry,” kept ringing in my ears. He couldn’t even just say I’m sorry like a normal person. Nope, he was way too eloquent for that.
“I-“ How did you politely explain that people had been putting you down your entire life and you were just… used to it? Just like that I guess.
I took a breath and tried it again. “Loki. It’s fine. Really. I’m used to it.” I shrugged for good measure.
The socially awkward introvert in me didn’t want to watch for his reaction, but the masochist in me couldn’t look away. His eyes widened slightly. His jaw dropped a fraction of an inch. His head tilted to one side. His brows furrowed a bit. He opened his mouth as if to speak and then stopped, rethinking his decision.
It was at this point that I dropped my eyes to my shoes. They weren’t cute, but they were comfortable and practical. Especially considering that I spent most of my day running from one emergency situation to the next within the compound.
He cleared his throat and I stared harder at my worn Nike’s. Once upon a time they had been a perfect dark blue. Now they were streaked with mud from the recent rain and scuffed from every day wear and tear.
“That…” A pause. Fuck, did he really have to say anything? “That does not make it better…”
The floor could open up at any moment and swallow me. That would be so, so welcome right now. Stranger things had happened in this place, right?
This was way worse than him staring down at me in disdain as he walked by. This was worse than him calling me a silly mortal or a measly peasant. This was worse than the one time he knocked into me with his shoulder when he passed me. This was worse than anything he’d ever done or said to me.
I’d survived so many situations similar to those that they barely fazed me anymore. This? I’d never had anyone apologize to me for their actions before. Ever. It was unfamiliar territory and I didn’t like it. Not one bit. I shifted my weight and fidgeted with the ring on my right ring finger.
“Look, it’s not a big deal, okay? Just let it go.”
I just wanted to escape. My eyes scanned the room for the closest exit. It was a familiar practice and I was able to find it over Loki’s left shoulder, which was unfortunate, because I’d have to literally walk past him to get to it. Definitely not ideal. I bit my lip. I’d have to do it. I seriously could not stand here with him for another second.
“Excuse me,” I muttered.
I started forward and tried to duck around him. I expected him to move. Surely this was as awkward for him as it was for me? He didn’t move. I all but plowed him down in my desperate attempt to get out of the room and away from all of the prying eyes.
He grabbed my arm and I was forced to stop. I swallowed and briefly met his eyes with mine before immediately lowering them. Major mistake. They were burning a bright, icy blue. I couldn’t pick out all the emotions swirling in their endless depths, but they were intense. I couldn’t stay here. His scrutiny alone was likely to burn me alive.
“I said excuse me,”I repeated, hating how mousy and meek my voice sounded.
He nodded and let me go, his hand sliding down my arm. I felt goosebumps break out across my skin where he’d touched me. I shivered.
Fuck this.
I practically ran out of there.
If only that were where the humiliation ended. Oh no! Fucking stupid God of Mischief just couldn’t let it drop. He chased me all the way to my office. Okay, he didn’t chase me. He met me there. He was sitting behind my desk when I arrived there.
Now I was starting to get annoyed. I was jumpy and on edge. His words and actions had done nothing to put me at ease and I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn’t understand why he now apparently had no boundaries where I was concerned.
For real, what the fuck? He’d almost gone out of his way to criticize me and shoot me dirty looks over the last few months, but now he wanted to be all up in my business. What the actual fuck. I didn’t understand. Every other bully I’d ever dealt with was happy to just torment me when the opportunity arose.
Pain in my ass.
I opened my office door with a loud bang. “Can I help you?”
He had the nerve to smirk at me. I wasn’t smiling, though. Nor was I laughing. I didn’t see the humor in the situation. I crossed my arms and leaned against the door frame.
“Come on,” I said, suddenly tired of the entire ordeal. “I told you to just let it go.apology accepted. Is that what you wanted?”
I was so confused. And I kind of just wanted to have a good cry in the bathroom. And he was standing (okay, sitting) in the way of that.
“No, not really.” His smirk melted into a serious expression. “While I do want you to accept my apology, I want to explain why it is necessary.”
It was my turn to smirk. “Oh really? I think it’s pretty obvious. You’ve been a grade A asshole. That’s why your apology is necessary.”
He chuckled and my stomach clenched. “Yes, that is certainly true enough. But…” He stopped, his fave thoughtful. “Has anyone ever told you that you are quite beautiful?”
Okay. What. The. Fuck. If I was confused before, I was totally lost now. He was coming at me way out of left field now. And I couldn’t even find the words to answer him.
“No? You are, you know.” He just kept talking as if I wasn’t staring at him like he’s grown another head. “I’ve encountered a lot of beauty in my existence, but nothing any like yours. It’s a fair bit intimidating when you mix it with your intelligence and personality.”
“Is… Is there a point to this narrative?” I asked hesitantly. I was almost afraid for his answer.
“Yes, of course. It’s no excuse, of course, but I wasn’t… I didn’t know how to approach you. So I pushed you away instead. But…” His eyes drifted towards the window. “I was cruel and for that I am sorry. It wasn’t my intention.”
My throat was closing, emotion choking me. Oh my God. How does one react to such a confession? In my experience, with incredulousness.
“I… You seriously had Kindergarten syndrome?!”
Now he looked confused. Of course. Asgardian. I shook my head and pushed off the door frame. I sat down on the edge of the desk, facing away from him. I wasn’t sure I could cope with the intensity in his eyes at this close of range.
“It’s an expression that humans use to describe when boys pick on girls because they like them. It’s outdated and stupid.” I frowned before adding, “It’s also childish and immature.”
I jumped when I felt his hand touch my shoulder, gently turning me to look at him. Great. Now I was face to face with his bright eyes. And as much as I wanted to discredit his words, I could see the sincerity shining at me.
“I completely agree. My actions were childish and immature.”
I licked my suddenly dry lips and gripped the end of the desk. Gods, but he was the intimidating one. I wasn’t sure I could handle being the objection of all his attention.
“I simply don’t have a lot of experience with love,” he whispered softly.
Holy fuck. My mouth was dry. My brain was mush. I… I didn’t know what to say. Was he… I swallowed, willing my brain to start working again. Was he saying that he… Oh my God. I was having a hard time even thinking the words. Was he trying to tell me he loved me??
The shock must have been evident on my face. He stood up from the chair and came around the desk until he was standing in front of me. His hands came up to gently grasp my cheeks. And once again, his fucking eyes were devouring mine. I couldn’t get over how open they were. Believe me, they were almost pleading.
“I… You don’t expect me to fall into your arms, do you?” I asked stupidly. I… I had some emotional healing to do before I could realistically do anything of the sort.
His thumb feathered across my cheek and he smiled. “No, I do not. Nor do I expect a confession of love. You wouldn’t be you if you swooned and fell into my arms, as you put it. Right now, I am asking for a chance.”
I smiled, encircling his wrists with my hands. “That much, I think I can give you. Everyone deserves a second chance.”
His smile doubled and he leaned in. For one panicked moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. But he knew I wasn’t ready for that. Instead, his hands slid away from my face and he pulled me in for a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around him and returned the embrace.
A promise.
A chance… Yes, I could give him that.
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wackygoofball · 5 years
Text
Gwenspiration: The Wacky Version Vol. 3 - The Moodboards
So, here I go again parading myself and tooting like there is no tomorrow.
As people still brave enough to follow me on Tumblr will know, I do a lot of moodboards, or at least I call them such. Others call them collages or storyboards or pictures with random text. Either way, for me, moodboards became a neat tool to somehow capture story ideas not yet anywhere near a level that I could write fic about them - or serve as inspirations for fics I am actually writing.
And it gives me opportunity to hoard unhealthy amounts of Gwen and Nik pics, in the name of moodboards. And science. And stuff. Whoozah!
So yeah, in this post, I want to share some of my personal favorites. A lot of them actually, because I can’t decide, really.
I will start off with a group of moodboards which took inspiration from the Marvel universe, since the Marvel universe was my gateway into the more active parts of fandom.
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An all-time fave is the Iron Man AU... I mean, what not to love about a JB AU with Jaime as sassy Tony Stark and Brienne as the not-taking any shit from you army doctor, am I right? But yeah, seriously, Jaime *is* the Tony Stark of the GOT universe, and I can’t be convinced otherwise. And neither should be you.
Also, the Iron Man suits just totally fit the color scheme for both, which made creating the moodboards all the better for me. Jaime and Brienne were made for armor, now in medieval or modern times, let’s not kid ourselves.
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Another Marvel fave has got to be Captain Westeros. Because if there is a female GOT Version of Steve Rogers, it’s gotta be Brienne of fuckin’ Tarth. This one is really close to my heart because it gave me a lot of feels coming up with plot bunnies for it, and the tragedy of those two people missing each other in time over and over again, always trying to protect one another, only to end up on opposite sides because of the machinations of others... *sigh*
And I mean, one guy loses an arm. The other is blond and strong... I don’t make the rules but this delivers me enough material to re-imagine this as a JB AU... so yeah, I do kinda make the rules after all. Anyway.
Since I realized that this post’s gonna get even looooonger, I decided to make a cut here and put the rest below, so not to have you scrolling for five hours.
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Although it’s not the most popular moodboard amongst my followers (you brave people, I can’t parade you enough for staying through the madness lol), I really, really love that Fantastic Four moodboard and the concept behind it. And I just know a lot of effort went into making Valyrian Steel Brienne, which took all of my three computer editing skillz brain cells. But yeah, here again, I liked to play with the idea of them not admitting to their love until shit hits the fan and then they hide behind that because... drama, angst, feels, pining, yadda.
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And we go from Marvel to DC little quick. Because Brienne is, most certainly, a Wonder Woman. Nuf said.
Now, let’s move on to other big movie franchises that give me all the JB feels:
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Jurassic Park (aka Valyrian Park) evidently holds a special place in my heart because JB fighting dinosaur-dragon hybrids and kicking ass while being disbelieving about what was bred out in Valyria thanks to some certain someones to rescue Brienne’s adoptive daughter Arya is just... a thing? For me anyway.
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More down memory lane, I don’t know how often I watched the LOTR movies, suffice to say it was a lot a lot. We had the extended versions DVDs of the first two and basically it was the one thing to watch when nothing was on (which was the case a lot). Either way. JB in MIddle Earth long after the days of Frodo et al. - why? Because I just loved the idea (and aesthetic) of Jaime as a ranger and Brienne as a knight of Gondor working in disguise. And Hobbipod. I mean, Pod as a Hobbit. Come the fuck on. And Tyrion as an asshole wizard. What could possibly go wrong? This moodboard was very time-consuming as I had to do a lot of edits (pointy ears, tiny up people, smudge Brienne’s face on a lot of Boromir and Faramir images, smudge Jaime’s face on a lot of Aragorn images, you name it). So yeah. No matter its popularity... I dig it. Despite not having read the books yet (I know, shocking), I continue to ogle at the idea and go like: Must. Write. But. Must. Resist. Either way. Mood.
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So yeah, I grew up watching these movies a lot, too (I grew up watching a lot of TV, period). And when Gwen was cast as Captain Phasma, I got a lot of JB juices flowing as a result. Mehe. I found it was a fun idea to play with, to basically *kill* Phasma so *Brienne* can come into play and assume her identity. And a rundown Jedi!Jaime who’s lost faith in himself and everything else safe for his partner in crime/resistance is just... I needz. So you gotta cope with it. I still adore this concept a lot even if others may not. :)
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This one’s just... gah. Feels. And I really liked the color scheme lol. And I watched Horse Whisperer A LOT. Because of feels. And horses. And Honor is a horse and he deserved better than be barbecued at Highgarden, dammit.
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The No Reservations AU definitely has to be in this post because I live for this dynamic. Brienne taking care of the girls, not knowing how, though, constantly doubting herself while always trying to be perfect and composed, not just in life but on the job as well. And Jaime being the laid-back guy who’s just a darn good chef but may carry his own baggage of problems that keep him from his happy ending story is just... mah jam.
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This one was a lot of fun to do because you don’t really think about Erin Brockovich when you say Brienne of Tarth in terms of character. But when you scratch away the boob jokes and the differences in where they come from, what you find are two hard-working women who fight for justice, so I found that close enough. And it was excuse enough for me to go down the lane of biker!Jaime because... dayum.
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Music and Lyrics is an all-time guilty pleasure romcom of mine. It’s so light and easy and I kind of love how everyone is basically a bunch of awkward losers. All the more perfect for Jaime as a singer (we need that in our lives after the infamous video Nik was in to sing to us about global warming...) and Brienne as the unexpectedly gifted songwriter. What I like about the moodboard per se is how the color scheme turned out because it’s all warm and bright and... makes me happy.
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Very much in contrast to the former stands this one. I still love the overall mood of it and I dig the story idea because I dug both The Prestige and The Illustionist because they presented something dark yet very different, which made it all the more appealing to put into a moodboard for me. While not the most well-known moodboard of mine, I keep going back to it time and time again to basically lust at all the illusions and magic and drama. And blue butterflies.
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What is there not to love about a Pacific Rim AU for JB, am I right? Right?! JB ain’t just compatible when it comes to the Drift, yo, that’s all I’m gonna say. Reasons why I like the moodboard a lot is that it’s very different, flashy colors, gigantic robots, and I was mostly alright with how the edits turned out. It is tough to get images that fit the angles, yo.
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Jumping back in time once more, I really adore this one even though it’s not one of my popular moodboards. I dug the fusion of elements from Cinderella Man while granting Brienne as the female lead more space to develop as a character and make her a badass sniper nurse who is about to get her doctor’s degree. And Jaime doing anything to make it work because he owes her a debt (and his love) by boxing his way to their shared life is just... nice.
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Another supposedly lesser known moodboard is this one, though I really adore it for its premise and the amount of work I put into it (all the giffing and moodboarding). I also found use for that image of Gwen with what looks like the veil of a nun, which was probably what had me inspired in the first place lol. The plot bunnies revolve less around Se7en and more the novel El ùltimo Catón (2001) because it has a nun solving a mystery revolving around Dante’s works. But Se7en gives us the Seven, which is a delicious parallel too hard to ignore. For me at least. If only I knew how to write crime, dammit.
Now, to  move more into the serial (smooth transition from serial killer to serial TV shows, I know, I know) way of life, here is some moodboards inspired by TV shows (although some have since gotten movies which I also took inspiration from... yadda):
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Childhood memory galore. I spent many weekends watching The A-Team with the whole family. When the movie came out, I was happy about the feels it gave me (and the “you spin my head right round” scene still cracks me up more often than it should). Either way. I found it absolutely necessary for Jaime to be Face, for Tyrion to be Hannibal, for Bronn to be B.A. and cuss at everyone and everything and Brienne giving us the strangest genderbend of a Howling Mad Murdock. It added some angst, which I always need because I am a thirsty hoe for it. In case no one noticed yet. Ha.
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This one is very remotely inspired by The Bletchley Circle and the Imitation Game (because both feature encryption and one features Charles Dance already, yo.) I just really dug the idea of Brienne being so good at this because she is such a straight thinker but being underestimated because “she a woman.” And of course her not being done just encoding messages but getting into action, very much to the dismay of the stupid soldier wanting to defend the bae from harm. What could possibly go wrong? Right. A lot.
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Then. Elementary. Let me count the ways in which I love that show... ALL THE WAYS. And I really dig it as a JB AU. I have so many thoughts and feelings, I can’t even begin to tell you. I especially had my fun basically making Jaime Sherlock without making him really Sherlock because that guy was the one who taught him how to be an investigator before disappearing and fucking up his life for bad. And Brienne as the army doctor turned sober companion turned private investigator turned love interest is just too delicious to ignore.
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Pants down I mean hands down, this may be the actual favorite (currently) amongst them all for the plain reason that I also grew up watching that series and still watch it and keep obsessing about it. Ever since Discovery launched and has since given me both joy and grief, I found myself intrigued by the premise of a JB Star Trek AU where Brienne would be standing *with* the Klingons during the war around the time Discovery takes place, and Captain Jaime Lannister having lost far too much to this war already to truly trust anyone, even less so a woman who ran to the Klingons, for what it seems.
You would not believe how many ideas I have for a fic based on it. You wouldn’t believe that I basically have a sequel to that fic already in mind. And you would definitely believe, knowing me, that I am nowhere near writing that fic. But a fangirl can dream and moodboard, right? The moodboard was such a fun way of going about it, not only for the edits but because I could sneak some secret Klingon messages in there. :)
Now, on to the last part, which are the moodboards not inspired by movies or TV shows primarily but really just spewed out of my wacky, wacky brain:
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This has a special place in my heart because it combines military and the traumas it comes with for JB and.... the aesthetic of farming. And both finding a kind of peace they didn’t know they were looking for as they struggle to adjust and find their way back “to normal” after the horrors they have both seen in war. And did I mention the aesthetic? And Jaime in plaid? All dirty and sweaty? Do I have to say more?
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Why this one? Because it combines angst and romance and falling in love twice because DESTINY. And paintings. I love me my artist AUs. So that was my go at it, combining it with the “mystery” to be uncovered about what history Jaime and Brienne actually share as he tries to put his memories back together.  Also. This moodboard gave me opportunity to try out new filters and create JB paintings. :)
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This one’s gotta be on the list since I also added the Horse Whisperer. Now it’s Dog Whisperer Jaime and Brienne who won’t give up on her dog who’s seen some shit in the warzone (as did she, but Brienne will put it all aside for her doggish best buddy, of course). While it’s not a very popular moodboard of mine, I really enjoy the premise of it and how the dynamics can so easily change between the two of them if you see it in comparison to the Horse Whisperer AU. Also. I just really think Jaime is a total pet person.
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Another lesser known moodboard, I’d assume, but I really dug the premise of it (still do), and it was intriguing to do some edits to make Jaime’s hand *truly* golden lol. With people having developed strange mutations which aren’t nearly as much fun as they are in Fantastic Four AUs. What I liked about it was the idea that Brienne would have a kind of mutation/ability that links to the mind, since she is such a physically strong fighter that she may rather rely on that than on her own mind, fearing that she cannot control that with discipline the same way she can train her body with it. What unites the two is their strong wish to protect the people in their care, in a world on the verge of collapse forcing two unexpected allies together (okay, I totally expected it, but they didn’t). Either way. Much love for this one. :)
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Aaaand the last one (not of all the ones I made but the ones I picked for Gwenspiration). I really, really, really adore this one because I was so happy with how the aesthetic turned out and how the colors all match. And I dig the premise. Like holy moly do I dig it deep. Jaime and Brienne both serving in military, but on different fronts, and almost accidentally ending up writing each other letters? I mean... the PINING. And Brienne having to decipher Jaime’s chickenscratch. Yeah no, but for real. I just love the idea so much. That they are both committed to the cause while also yearning for a home, for peaceful times, for sweet, sweet love. And them meeting up and acting like stupid teenagers, only for drama to keep hitting because. It’s eh me angsty Wacky.
Either way. I dig the premises of a lot of my moodboards (in fact... basically all of them or else I wouldn’t be making them, I guess). I spared you listing all of them, though I listed a whole damn lot already. Moodboards are an awesome means for me personally to visualize and (re-)imagine. And since quite a few people seem to continue to be onboard with them, I am all the happier to keep making them.
That’s all for today.
Much love! ♥♥♥
*flies away*
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