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orange-plum · 2 years

Note

the foodie beauty stuff !!!

oh god....... uh shes a lot. spark notes version:

most impulsive person ever born, can't commit to anything. has an anger problem, perpetual victim.

last summer she got involved with a crackhead, who she accidentally doxxed. she fell in love with him and paid his rent/clothes/amenities/etc Got him monetized on youtube, something which her followers said not to cuz he was using her for money and would leave her. Guess what happened? lol

Allegations that he SA'd a follower who came to meet him come up, so she's the pick me girl who lies for his alibi and blocks anyone who says anything bad about him.

Flash forward to 9 months in. He got her on coke/meth? Was verbally abusive (shocking, he stabbed his last gf and she died under mysterious circumstances) He dumps her around Christmas to shack up with this other girl.

She stalks him, doxxes the new girl, all while still paying his rent. For revenge, she goes to the cops and reports him for SA/abuse. He gets arrested. She gets a restraining order against him, meanwhile crying every other night on livestream how much she loves and misses him.

He has orders by the court not to have contact with her, which he breaks when he needs rent paid.

ANYWAY. She goes to Cuba the other week (super boring, she just ate food and stayed in her hotel room). Talks about how the day before Cuba she drove him to his girlfriend's house, they all got drunk, and he pressured her and she went down on the girl she hates. She claims to have ptsd (ngl someone who has diagnosed ptsd from actual SA i'm offended) and blames them for her going insane.

Last night was her last night in Cuba. Phew Ok this is a lot. She gets shitfaced drunk and is the meanest drunk I;ve EVER seen.

She goes on a rant hating all white people (she's a white people?), calls someone on social media who does candle and whicker basket stuff a fake c-word a million times?, says racist shit, doxxs girl she hates mom in the nursing home, encourages people to call and harass the elderly mom and staff cuz she hates her daughter, wants her ex-crackhead to get deported and hung by the Egyptian president, defends saying the r-word and that disabled people aren't offended by that word, threatens to unalive herself, mocks girl she hates for being domestically abused by her ex-husband, defends crackhead ex one second sobbing over he's a good guy, then wanting him dead the next, begs for a follower in the stream who expressed valid criticism to be doxxed and if someone could give her their info she'll spread it around the internet, age shames, tells her followers to report to her airline theyre fatphobic for making her buy 2 seats, screams at the top of her lungs in the middle of the night despite her neighbors, brags about how much money she makes than you, etc

OH. Also a quote from her was like "I'll manipulate my audience and continue to and you'll eat it up and watch me anyway." BARF

It's just.

WOW. If you wanna see a train wreck of the most evil woman born, that's her lol I can't personally watch her shit I have to through reaction stuff but boof

#asks #did i do good on the tea or what lol

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hpfangirl13 · 4 years

Text

50 questions you’ve never been asked

tagged by @chasethesun18

What is the colour of your hairbrush? white and black

Name a food you never eat? olives and raw sushi

Are you typically too warm or too cold? i am constantly hot. i open the window to my room when it’s cold at night so I feel like I’m sleeping in a fridge.

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? eating an apple and watching youtube

What is your favourite candy bar? hmmmm... close tie between reese’s and butterfingers

Have you ever been to a professional sports event? yes! we love the chicago cubs in our family and i’ve probably been to about 20 mlb games. I have also been to 2 nfl games for the bears.

What is the last thing you said out loud? “i’m ordering the pizza, chill” @ my dad

What is your favourite ice cream? cookies and cream 100%

What was the last thing you had to drink? water- very bland

Do you like your wallet? yes. its michael kors and my dad bought it for me as a 10th grade graduation present.

What was the last thing you ate? an apple (im bout to eat pizza so don’t think im that healthy)

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? no cuz nothing is really open and i havent been to the mall in a hot sec.

The last sporting event you watched? damn idk. sports have been off for so long that i dont really know.

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? the movie theater kind with a shit ton of butter

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? @chasethesun18 aka ryan. talking about how when she comes over to watch mpi tonight and coughs she has allergies and not corona.

Ever go camping? i guess. i went to a summer camp for 2 years when i was like 12 and 13. we did a “pack out” one night. wasnt really a fan. i like sleeping in a bed thx.

Do you take vitamins? yes my mother yells at me every morning to take my gummy vitamins. (yes, i am 5 years old)

Do you go to church every Sunday? no, not really religious at all. i don’t really believe in that kinda stuff.

Do you have a tan? ehhhhh kinda but not really? i cant really tan tho cuz im part irish and polish white.

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? pizza. i gotta be in the mood for chinese.

Do you drink your soda with a straw? in restaurants yea at home no.

What colour socks do you usually wear? any kind really, i have harry potter socks all the way to adidas socks

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? yep. i speed and its really bad. especially when im on the interstate.

What terrifies you? losing my parents, being all alone in life, snakes, spiders, and dying in a car crash.

Look to your left, what do you see? my closet door with pics on it and my “i ship it” sticker. (miggy im thinking of you)

What chore do you hate? walking my dog and folding laundry.

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? shrimp on the barbie

What’s your favourite soda? sprite or cherry fanta (but you can never find it anywhere)

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? drive-thru lately cuz that’s all you can do

Who’s the last person you talked to? my dad

Favourite cut of beef? i guess burgers? idk what that “cut” of beef is called tho

Last song you listened to? macho man- the village people-- dont ask me why.

Last book you read? a fanfic. havent read a book since harry potter and that was like 6 years ago

Favourite day of the week? friday. cuz my shows are on and i get littyyy

Can you say the alphabet backwards?i probably could but it would take too much effort and i dont want to.

How do you like your coffee? at home i will drink anything decaf with flavored creamer. my fav is from starbucks where i get a decaf venti iced hazelnut latte with nonfat milk and 4 pumps of hazelnut. (very complicated i know)

Favourite pair of shoes? prob my nike ‘07 air force ones

The time you normally go to bed? ehhhh sometime between 11 and 2 normally. kinda depends on how tired i am and what time i have to get up the next day.

The time you normally get up? when i work i get up around 8. on the weekends i get up around 10

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets cuz im not a morning person.

How many blankets on your bed? like 8. i really like blankets

Describe your kitchen plates: we have had the same damn blue and flowered plates in my house since before my birth. no lie.

Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? im 19 and i dont drink. ive had a sip of beer and wine from my parents before and i hated it so i dont feel like im missing a lot.

Do you play cards? we play uno like once every 6 months

What colour is your car? bluish grey

Can you change a tire? nope

Your favourite province? well my mom is from montreal, canada so imma have to say quebec.

Favourite job you’ve ever had? babysitting! for the first family i ever babysat for in my neighborhood. theyre in middle school now. *sheds tear*

How did you get your biggest scar? the only scar i have is on my right foot on my second toe. smashed it in a pool when i was 7

What did you do today that made someone else happy? well i deliver groceries for a living so hopefully i made people happy by bringing them food?

THE MAGNUM PI FINALE IS ON TONIGHT AND MY BODY IS READY!!!! @chasethesun18 and I are bout to get litttttt

tagging: @juliethiggy @jenscorpion @theblacksiren @jennie-may

#tag game #tags #magnum pi

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disableddisaster · 7 years

Note

do em all

200: My crush’s name is: thats classified information

199: I was born in: edmonton!

198: I am really: gay asdfasdf

197: My cellphone company is: bell!

196: My eye color is: blue!

195: My shoe size is: 5W

194: My ring size is: ive literally never worn a ring asdfasdf

193: My height is: 4′11

192: I am allergic to: sooo.... much........ so much

191: My 1st car was: never had a car!

190: My 1st job was: ive cleaned a cottage once a month w my mom since i was like 12

189: Last book you read: hp and the philosophers stone :-)

188: My bed is: comfy and big

187: My pet: i have 5! 4 cats and a dog, flinty is my favourite boy, my son

186: My best friend: U!

185: My favorite shampoo is: the last shampoo i bought i bought cuz it had rainbow letters asdfasdf

184: Xbox or ps3: the last console i owned was a ps2

183: Piggy banks are: useful?

182: In my pockets: i have no pockets im wearing pj shorts adfasd

181: On my calendar: whos organized enough to use a CALENDAR

180: Marriage is: gay and beautiful

179: Spongebob can: die

178: My mom: is the best i love her so much

177: The last three songs I bought were? i use spotify premium :O

176: Last YouTube video watched: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mAErcv38Go its ukrainian dancing asdfa

175: How many cousins do you have? 6??? im only in contact w 3 tho

174: Do you have any siblings? a sister and a brother

173: Are your parents divorced? my mom isnt w my bio dad anymore but they were never married

172: Are you taller than your mom? NO :(

171: Do you play an instrument? nope

170: What did you do yesterday? skyped my babies @to-andromeda and @irwinglasses for the first time in AGES[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: no

168: Luck: no

167: Fate: no

166: Yourself: NO ADFDSF

165: Aliens:

164: Heaven: idk!!

163: Hell: idk!!

162: God: yea

161: Horoscopes: hmm........ yes

160: Soul mates: yes!!!!!!!

159: Ghosts: YES

158: Gay Marriage: im literally a lesbian

157: War: asdfadsf what

156: Orbs: what.....

155: Magic: i wish :(

[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: kisses 4 sure

153: Drunk or High: drunk

152: Phone or Online: uhhh online? i think asdf i dont understand

151: Red heads or Black haired: red heads :-)

150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes

149: Hot or cold: cold

148: Summer or winter: summer i guess but its way too hot

147: Autumn or Spring:

146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla!

145: Night or Day: night!

144: Oranges or Apples: im allergic to both

143: Curly or Straight hair: curly :O

142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcds ew who eats at burger king

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: white!!

140: Mac or PC: PC!

139: Flip flops or high heals: flip flops asdfasf

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: i hate this question fuck off

137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi!!!

136: Hillary or Obama: wheres my canadian politics question

135: Burried or cremated: cremation

134: Singing or Dancing: dancing !

133: Coach or Chanel: what

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: ...........whom asdfasdf

131: Small town or Big city: big CITY

130: Wal-Mart or Target: target was cool but they closed down here

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: whom....

128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure!! feet are gross adsfadf

127: East Coast or West Coast:

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: my birtjday for sure

125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers!

124: Disney or Six Flags: disney i think idk ive been to neither adsfad

123: Yankees or Red Sox: a what[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: bad

121: George Bush: also bad

120: Gay Marriage: im gay

119: The presidential election: donald trump can kiss my gay ass

118: Abortion:

117: MySpace: i have no strong feelings on this

116: Reality TV: i dont have cable

115: Parents: i love them

114: Back stabbers: uhh bad

113: Ebay: i ordered 5 rubix cubes off ebay for my brother once

112: Facebook: hell site

111: Work: who likes work asdfasd

110: My Neighbors: theyre all old

109: Gas Prices: pretty low rn!

108: Designer Clothes: pointless

107: College: scary !

106: Sports: what is a sport

105: My family: i love my parents and my siblings v much

104: The future: uhh............ scary[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: like 2 days ago

102: Last time you ate: i ate a sandwich a few hours ago

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: i saw u does that count

100: Cried in front of someone: last tiem i cried was in front of U!!!!!!

99: Went to a movie theater: emoji movie B)

98: Took a vacation: i went to the rockies on thurs!

97: Swam in a pool: i........ have no idea

96: Changed a diaper: its been a while theres no babies in my life :(

95: Got my nails done: i dont think ive ever ??? wait nvm high school graduation

94: Went to a wedding: my parents wedding when i was 5

93: Broke a bone: never!

92: Got a peircing: i got my ears pierced in like 1999

91: Broke the law: i didnt wear my SEATBELT yesterday

90: Texted: i currently am texting

[ MISC ]

89: Who makes you laugh the most:

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is:

flint......... :(

87: The last movie I saw:

the emoji movie adfasdf

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:

this is gay but my gf coming back from vacation asdfa

85: The thing im not looking forward to:

school AAAAAAAAa

84: People call me:

shy

83: The most difficult thing to do is:

exist

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket:

my driving record is FLAWLESS

81: My zodiac sign is:

LIBRA!

80: The first person i talked to today was:

like actually spoke to?? the cashier at the grocery store

79: First time you had a crush:

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from:

literally everyone

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking:

idk

76: Right now I am talking to:

the cats im cat sitting

75: What are you going to do when you grow up:

fuvck IDK

74: I have/will get a job: i just quit my job lol

73: Tomorrow: i have no plans

72: Today: i went grocery shopping

71: Next Summer: prolly gonna be hot

70: Next Weekend: redacted comes back from vacation :O

69: I have these pets: 4 cats and a dog!

68: The worst sound in the world:

a cat in heat or dry paper towel adfadf

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: fuck idk im an emotional bxtch

66: People that make you happy: redacted, u, emily, my mom,

65: Last time I cried: ln adsfadf

64: My friends are: gay and i love them

63: My computer is: cool it has a touch screen

62: My School: grant macewan

61: My Car: nonexistent

60: I lose all respect for people who: r homophobes

59: The movie I cried at was: noooo fucking clue it was w redacted tho

58: Your hair color is: brown!

57: TV shows you watch: none!

56: Favorite web site: cats.com

55: Your dream vacation: nyc for like2 weeks in a fancy hotel

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: im chronically ill asdfasd i dont know

53: How do you like your steak cooked: in the garbage can

52: My room is: messy

51: My favorite celebrity is: keyboard cat

i dont feel like answering the rest adfasdf

#gaysun

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broke-ass-twat · 7 years

Note

all of them . . .

Fuck you and fuck the anonymous asker and lets fucking get this shit started. Also do your goddamn work Izzy.

200: My crush’s name is: Hey Izzy. Because that was such a huge secret199: I was born in: October198: I am really: Bored197: My cellphone company is: AT & T (Are you gonna ask my mother’s maiden name and first pet name now?)196: My eye color is: Brown195: My shoe size is: 11?194: My ring size is: Decently large193: My height is: 6 foot tall god192: I am allergic to: Assholes. And cats and dogs and eggs and milk and eggplant191: My 1st car was: I had a first car?190: My 1st job was: I had a first job?189: Last book you read: The first 6 pages of Cat’s Cradle. Alternatively book 25 of Desolate Era (it’s a Chinese wuxia novel)188: My bed is: Comfortable?187: My pet: Don’t have one186: My best friend: I have several185: My favorite shampoo is: Head and shoulders184: Xbox or ps3: Xbox183: Piggy banks are: Chill182: In my pockets: 2 bic pens, typically my phone, wallet, asthma pump, chapstick, and keys181: On my calendar: I don’t really use calendars180: Marriage is: Something I’ll get to179: Spongebob can: Suck my dick (I don’t really get spongebob?)178: My mom: is caring but could use some chill177: The last three songs I bought were? I don’t honestly remember the last time I bought a song. Which is a lie but I don’t know what I bought176: Last YouTube video watched: Vaguely watched the youtube video for Girls by Mura Masa175: How many cousins do you have? Total of 3 I think174: Do you have any siblings? I have a twin sister173: Are your parents divorced? Yes172: Are you taller than your mom? Definitely171: Do you play an instrument? Nope170: What did you do yesterday? Die slowly

[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: Sort of yeah168: Luck: Sort of but not really167: Fate: No166: Yourself: Honestly not really and that accounts for at least 2 rather important problems I can think of165: Aliens: Sure164: Heaven: No163: Hell: No162: God: No161: Horoscopes: They’re fun and sometimes fool me but no160: Soul mates: Not really?159: Ghosts: Sometimes momentarily hen I se shit move in the dark out of the corner of my eyes158: Gay Marriage: Yah157: War: Depends but yah156: Orbs: ????155: Magic: I fucking wish

[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: Um. Fucking both. but kisses153: Drunk or High: Depends. Mostly drunk152: Phone or Online: Online151: Red heads or Black haired: Read heads are hot150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes149: Hot or cold: Hot148: Summer or winter: Feeling winter atm (I know its odd)147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate when eh. Vanilla when stuff is quality145: Night or Day: Night144: Oranges or Apples: Orange143: Curly or Straight hair: Um. Curly?142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds is my shit (cuz apple pie)141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk chocolate you fucking heathen140: Mac or PC: Mac (theyre prettier tho I know PCs can be better)139: Flip flops or high heals: I don’t really wear either. Both are fine.138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: I can be ugly, sweet, and rich. Tho I guess this means ugly person. Ugly and rich since I’d just do whatever the hell I want and be rich137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke136: Hillary or Obama: Obama135: Burried or cremated: Cremate this mess134: Singing or Dancing: Dancing133: Coach or Chanel: My dude I know fuck all about either brand. Still would go with Chanel132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Who the fuck?131: Small town or Big city: Big city130: Wal-Mart or Target: They’re both cool. target feels nicer tho129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: I hate them both128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure127: East Coast or West Coast: This is actually hard. Um. Shit. Hm. Weast coast?126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas. My birthday doesn’t tend to mean a whole lot to me (probably cuz I didn’t really have birthday parties as a kid)125: Chocolate or Flowers: I’ve never gotten flowers and that’d be chill but chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney probably.123: Yankees or Red Sox: Yankees you fucking heathen

[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: Avoid it if possible121: George Bush: No very intelligent120: Gay Marriage: It’s fine119: The presidential election: Kill me118: Abortion: It’s your choice and fuck what other people have to say. Though it’s interesting to think about if one potential person wants the child and the other doesn’t. At which point I feel like whoever really wants it that bad should have sole care of it otherwise it’s unfair to both the child and one who didn’t want it. And if the dude wants the child then it’s still the woman’s choice I feel like? But this is rocky but would make a fun conversation tbh117: MySpace: Stop poking the dead thing with a stick116: Reality TV: Mostly really dumb with marginal entertainment115: Parents: Mine I guess are half really good but hard on me for good reason and the other half I seriously feel like I couldn’t care less about. In general Id hope for them to be caring, understanding, firm, and logical114: Back stabbers: Fuck em113: Ebay: Chill concept I’ve never used112: Facebook: Blackhole for my time111: Work: I hate doing it as it very rarely interests me110: My Neighbors: Chill109: Gas Prices: High I guess?108: Designer Clothes: Can be cool but mostly just why and dumb107: College: Fucking scam but also really cool adult babysitting106: Sports: theyre alright I suppose. Don’t really pay them any mind at all105: My family: I only pay attention to the ones I interact with even though there is a family member I really should talk to but don’t cuz I have a hard time caring although I really should104: The future: Scary

[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: Today sorta. If not today then sunday102: Last time you ate: Like an hour ago101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Thanksgiving100: Cried in front of someone: It’s been a while. Don’t remember99: Went to a movie theater: During spring break like 2 weeks ago98: Took a vacation: like 2 weeks ago97: Swam in a pool: been a while. Swam in the ocean like 2 weeks ago

96: Changed a diaper: I’ve never done that

95: Got my nails done: never94: Went to a wedding: It’s been a few years. Would’ve liked to go to one this year but couldn’t for some pretty shit reasons93: Broke a bone: Never92: Got a peircing: Never91: Broke the law: Um. Like Saturday90: Texted: like 30 minutes ago

[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: Things that are funny. Also myself88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Parents paying for shit87: The last movie I saw: Get out86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Figuring out my shit85: The thing im not looking forward to: the future84: People call me: Kemi83: The most difficult thing to do is: Have self control and follow through on it82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Never81: My zodiac sign is: Libra80: The first person i talked to today was: Today a girl named sara cuz I was up and around at 2am79: First time you had a crush: Like elementary school78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: There is no one I can’t hide things from77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: I have no idea. Probably within the last few days76: Right now I am talking to: Well right now I’m not talking to anyone75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Hopefully happy and relatively successful74: I have/will get a job: hopefully over the summer73: Tomorrow: Is another day72: Today: Is my current reality that I really should use a lot more wisely but tend not to71: Next Summer: It’d be nice to be a more productive person70: Next Weekend: Probably gonna be doing fuck all instead of doing work69: I have these pets: I don’t have pets68: The worst sound in the world: Nails on a chalkboard, velcro ripping, people chewing with their fucking mouths open. I can’t choose one67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Um. Prolly my stepfather?66: People that make you happy: My friends occasionally family when they aren’t disappointed in me65: Last time I cried: I dunno64: My friends are: Chill63: My computer is: Cool but mostly a huge distraction I literally can’t live without cuz I need it for everything. And I also really like it.62: My School: Is meh. Some chill people61: My Car: Don’t have one60: I lose all respect for people who: I suppose cheat59: The movie I cried at was: I dunno58: Your hair color is: Black57: TV shows you watch: I dunno. A lot 56: Favorite web site: Youtube probably55: Your dream vacation: Europe54: The worst pain I was ever in was: I don’t remember feeling pain I thought was all that intense. Like shit has hurt a lot but not like holy fuck I’m screaming53: How do you like your steak cooked: Medium52: My room is: A little dirty atm51: My favorite celebrity is: Um. Gordon Ramsey I suppose? Don’t really have one50: Where would you like to be: In a very nice restaurant sipping very nice whiskey with a lot of money. Ive said this before.49: Do you want children: Maybe eventually. At least 2 but not more than 348: Ever been in love: yeah47: Who’s your best friend: I have multiple46: More guy friends or girl friends: I definitely have more girl friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: music44: One person that you wish you could see right now: My girlfriend would be nice to just chill with tbh43: Do you have a 5 year plan: Don’t be a failure is sorta just it. realistically grad school.42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: I actually haven't 41: Have you pre-named your children: Nope40: Last person I got mad at: Um. I dunno39: I would like to move to: Somewhere on the west coast38: I wish I was a professional: Chef

[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: Twix is up there36: Vehicle: Teslas are pretty fucking cool35: President: Obama probably wasn’t the best but damn was he chill34: State visited: California never really disappoints me33: Cellphone provider: AT &T I guess? What the hell sort of question is this32: Athlete: Um. Don’t really have one. Ichiro Suzuki seems pretty chill. Curtis Grandson also seems chill. What can I say my stepdad likes the Yankees. Well so does my father31: Actor: Um. idk30: Actress: Idk29: Singer: Adele comes to mind cuz damn that voice. But I probably have others I like more and don’t remember28: Band: Mura Masa is high up there for producers. So is Flume, Ekali atm, Ta-ku, and Snago27: Clothing store: Don’t really have one. Uniqlo is pretty chill26: Grocery store: Fairways is chill25: TV show: Adventure time probably24: Movie: Don’t really have one tbh23: Website: I Don’t per se have a favorite. I like tumblr and Facebook 22: Animal: Deer are chill21: Theme park: Don’t have one. Which ever one has the wildest roller coasters20: Holiday: Um. Christmas19: Sport to watch: Baseball if I had to choose18: Sport to play: Ultimate frisbee17: Magazine: Cooks Illustrated is cool16: Book: Don’t really have one15: Day of the week: Friday or saturday14: Beach: Orange beach atm cuz it’s the nicest one i’ve been to13: Concert attended: Shitttttttt. Alina Baraz and Jauz are really high up there12: Thing to cook: I like making pasta cuz I do all sorts of shit to the sauce and I’m good at it. I also make pretty decent pork chops and shit. I dunno. 11: Food: Sushi probably. Also like steak and curry a lot.10: Restaurant: Um. Five guys? I don’t really have one.9: Radio station: Don’t really listen to radio8: Yankee candle scent: Don’t know any7: Perfume: same as above6: Flower: honeysuckle5: Color: Blue and green4: Talk show host: Don’t have one3: Comedian: Louis C.K. is great2: Dog breed: Cant choose1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Very

#me

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the-little-red-noodle · 5 years

Text

7/3/19 11:39pm the aftermath

Spencer and i broke up today.

I am so exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. My chest hurts from breathing and thinking and seeing him. I feel hollow but also so fucking heavy i can’t move. I feel hurt, i feel frustrated, i feel confused and i feel so fucking angry that this is happening one of the weekends i was looking forward to the most this summer. I am really really frustrated and really sad.

I had been in costa rica for like 10 days. I was so excited to see him. I just landed at the airportand he texted that he was on his way to my house and i was excited that i would have most of the day and the night to be with him. I would get to talk about the trip and be excited and kiss him and talk about the larp.

Fuck i just wish he could express anything ever. Fuck.

Where was i? I got home, i was trying on larp stuff and being excited and he got there and he seemed normal and we went to my room and i changed back into normal clothes and he sat on the other end of my bed and i was motioning for him to sit with me and he moved to still sit across from me and i was like what’s up?

And he just sat there holding my hands and stuttering and trying to speak and stopping and then i said,

Are you trying to break up with me?

And he said yes, I’m sorry. And i just felt like confused and like aw he’s having trouble speaking but also what are you doing?

And then i was like why? Why are you doing this right now, we have such a fun weekend planned and we have a party tomorrow and a larp and all this to celebrate together, why are you doing this now? You couldn’t have waited until after our fun weekend, until after my fun weekend? Until after i could do the stuff i had been so excited about and planning and planning with you? You couldn’t have waited??

Theres never a good time..

There fuckin is, it’s called ANY of the times i brought it up to you that thigs weren’t working. ANY of the times i said we weren’t communication well. ANY of the times i said i wasn’t happy or that we’re so different or that we just love differently. THATS when you mention the fact that you feel that way too. You fucking. Tell. Me. You fucking say hey I’ve been feeling that way too, we are super different, our communication doesn’t work well together, idk if I’ve been super happy. You fucking say something then. You don’t calm me down over and over saying that we’ll work it out we’ll work it out and then drop this on me literally an hour after i get home from a trip and before this really fun weekend that i would have liked to enjoy. I really was looking forward to this stuff and now you fucking ruined it. I’m not the kind of person who deals with shit by going out partying and pretending everything is fine. I fucking know it’s not fine and i see peoples faces looking at me with the “how ya doin?” face and the pity and the “oh wheres spencer?”

Dude, fuck you.

It’s not like i didn’t also think the relationship wasn’t working. I went back and forth so many times on whether or not to end it or stick it out, but i wouldn’t have fucking dropped it on you right before you had a bunch of important shit to do

Fuck you

Of course i knew it wasn’t working, we been knew. It hasn’t been working since the start frankly, we don’t communicate cohesively. I actually have emotions? And talk about them? And want to hear how you feel about stuff? What a fucking concept???

Fuckkkk youuu

I actually cared enough to go out of my way all the damn time to do what you needed, and show you how i felt, and love you the way you receive it best. Where was my gesture? Where was forthought into doing something for me? Where were any words that actually came from your heart and not phrases that i said were special to me?

Dude, fuck you man.

I’m angry. I’m really really frustrated because we talked so many times about when i was having doubts and when i was feeling like we needed help and we needed to fix shit and where i asked you over and over AND OVER!! HOW YOU FELT! That’s when you fuckig say something! You fucking tell me hey I’ve been having some doubtsabout the relationship and I’m not sure if I’m happy, and then we would have talked, seen that we felt the same way, and ended things respectfully together. But instead, you kept that shit in for months so you could blindside me before i have shit to do

FUCK. YOU.

How do you expect relationships to go? We small talk, fuck, eat, and sleep? And give each other space but don’t ever text or talk while we’re apart? What kind of relationship is that?

Beat change

What kind of relationship was i settling for? With someone who, not wouldn’t, but couldn’t share their feelings. Someone who was incable of really anything involving emotional intelligence. Someone who RARELY asked me how i was doing or what i was thinking about or how i was feeling. Never asked about my past, never knew HUGE pieces of who i am because he never bothered to dig around? He never knew about my depression, or the self harm, or the eating disorder, just a few. So many parts of what ultimately made me me and he just never asked. I asked about him CONSTANTLY and i could never get much.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i have to do so much fucking legwork to get the affection i need and so much effort to train him how to respond to a text in less than an hour. What was i settling for? Because he was the one? Hell no, we been knew this was casual from the start

OH THAT TOO! BITCH THIS WHOLE OPERATION WAS YOUR IDEA!!!!

We weren’t even dating! We weren’t a couple! We were hooking up and then YOU decided you liked me more and YOU decided you wanted to be exclusive and YOU wanted me to be your girlfriend and YOU initiated all those conversations that got us here. And then YOU have the audacity (I’m being dramatic) to step out after you decide theres no fixing us when you didn’t even give it a fair shot. When i brought up how to make us better and how i asked how you felt about every little thing just to gain an inch of insight into what the fuck was ever on your mind.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i had to stretch to get reassurance. Where i had to stretch to get validation. Where no compliment came free or unprovoked. Basically everything you ever told me was because i fucking prompted you to speak. If i hadn’t, we wouldn’t. If i didn’t start a conversation, there was no conversation.

God i am so fucking angry about it. Yes I’m sad and we’ll get to that, but I’m really fucking angry. And i feel guilty because i want to shut down and not be social but i feel like people are fucking relying on me to show up to stuff and drive people to things and camp and do all this and i fuckiiiiinnnggg wanna just not.

But i can’t be a hermit because then i let everyone down. If i bail that means mark has no ride or tent and julia won’t go and shell be bummed and shea will be mad because I’ll miss another fucking larp and everything falls on me

But if i go, i know myself, and I’m gunna be a fucking wreck the whole time. I’m gunna be crying and not wanting to participate and I’m gunna have to watch all the couples be happy and be like “so wheres spencer? What happened? Are you okay?”

I hate are you okay.

Fuckin..???? Like..???? Naw?? I got dumped before a bunch of shit i was super excited for and now can’t be excited because I’m heartbroken and have to do all this shit without him after getting my hopes up that he would go and it would be so romantic and right up our alley and so fun.. and now it’s fucking ruined and everytime i think about the larp, i think about how many people are counting on me to go and how people will say they understand but are also super disappointed and secretly hate me for throwing a wrench in our plans

BUT ITS NOT MY FUCKING WRENCH

ITS HIS WRENCH BECAUSE HE COULDNT HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME HOW HE WAS FEELING MONTHS AGO OR, and i can’t stress this enough, FUCKING WAITED UNTIL AFTER.

I’m mad because he knew how important this weekend was to me, that i literally cut my family vacation short to spend time with him, and i can’t even get to enjoy it with my friends now cuz i swear theyre all gunna be looking at me and thinking ah shit is she ok, should we say something, is she drinking too much, is she eating too much, is she blinking too much, hey are you okay?

I’m frustrated too because i swear i went back and forth on breaking up with him so much and i can’t believe he’s the one who did it, and blindsided me, and ruined my fun weekend. I literally texted mark like a week before my trip in a frenzy like I NEED TO BREAKUP WITH SPENCER! And he talked me down. Yah, mark talked me down. Who always seemed to hate spencer and not like that we were dating, he fucking talked me out of ending it. MARK.

Dude, fuck you, right now. Fuck you for not being about to just talk to me. Fuck sake, it can’t seriously be that difficult to have an emotion formed into a single thought right? I do it constantly. How hard is it to say “i feel like we’re having problems” or “I’m struggling” or fucking anything. Nah, just keep it in and unleash it on the worst time possible. Sounds super.

Fuck you man.

Ima go to bathroom or something. I need to walk this off. Fuck I’m so angry

Also, fuck you for the corny friend line near the end

“I hope that someday-“ “i swear to god if you say that we can still be friends..” “well.. yeah, id like to”

Like, fuck me gently with a chainsaw, i don’t wanna be your friend, dude. We don’t really have a lot in common, it’s kinda part of why we’re breaking up, remember?

The couples who usually stay friends after a breakup are the ones who have a ton in common and lose attraction for each other, whereas spence and i have eh not a lot a lot in common, and i reaaallyy attracted to him. That pairing doesn’t bode for great friends. That sets us up to be like fuck buddies again. No, i don’t wanna be friends. At least not now. I basically said we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but honestly, fuck that noise, ok? That’s basically u saying that I’m not attractive and that youd be fine just hanging out in groups and hitting on my friends.

Pass.

I’m glad i asked about romy tho. I always thought he had a thing for her and maybe that was why he wanted to end things. Theyd make a good match i guess. Both of them are incapable of expressing any emotions and are crazy stoners.

Man i am not gunna miss the potheads. Omigod. I worry so fucking much about his health and I’ve told him many times. Youll notice, if you read the records back, not once has he expressed interest in my health. Never commented on drinking or working out or anything really. Never worried about my safety ever. Not even after i was sexually assaulted, which i know is a low blow, but honestly..??? Where was the concern? Where was the fuck that guy attitude? If someone had groped spencer, you better believe i would say some shit. I would fucking destroy them. I wouldve done anything to keep him safe, including getting sexually assaulted so that i could get his drunk ass home. Whos gunna carry you back to your dorm anymore? Whos gunna take care of you when you’re throwing up from alcohol poisoning? Won’t be ANY of the people in your inner circle, I’ll tell you that much. Your friends don’t give a shit about your health and it shows and it broke my heart everytime. I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

And then offer you weed. Then you threw up again and they passed out. Ffucking what? call me overattentive, but thank god you had me those nights. When you passed out drunk behind a tent at BFtR or when you got too high at a wonderland party or when you drank too much at the alpha toga party and were throwing up in ralphs bags while your friends IGNORED YOU. whos gunna do that for you now? Are you gunna end up dead after a delta party one day because your friends don’t give a shit about you? I worried about this NONSTOP. Because i cared so much about you, and i still do. And i would worry every time youd leave the house and go to bars or whatever because i know that something like that is going to happen again, and I’m not gunna be there to pick up the pieces and give you a placw to sleep and make sure you drink water and take medicine and care about you. Tell me which one of your “friendsl is going to care about you the way i did. Cuz I’ve watched them all fail that test frankly and it breaks my heart.

But i guess.. that’s not my problem anymore. The days of getting you home safe after one too many is over. The nights of staying up till 5 am holding your hair up are over. The conversations I’ve tried to have about your health and hoping youd change those habits is over. Cuz it can’t be my problem anymore. Cuz i can’t watch you kill yourself anymore. I can’t watch you poison yourself everyday anymore. I can’t watch you hurt and hurt and shove it all down anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t watch you be high anymore. I can’t look at you with your eyes drooping anymore. I can’t worry about you taking weird drugs and acid and wondering if you’re okay anymore. Cuz I’m not your girlfriend anymore, and i can’t be your friend either. But i hope you get such a friend soon. I hope you find a better person to look after you a little. Cuz I’ve watched too many of your “friends” just inable you to do dumb dangerous shit. I can’t watch it anymore

I’m not gunna fight for us to stay together. I’m not gunna ask you to reconsider. I’m gunna (try to) not reach out. I don’t wanna talk. Theres nothing more to say. Anything else, all of this, is just me being angry. And needing to get out anger, but it doesn’t ever need to see him. He doesn’t need to hear how I’m feeling. He doesn’t need to see me suffer. He doesn’t need to hear that I’m angry or sad or doing well. He feels enough guilt as it is, and i don’t need to add to it.

But i can still be angry. And i can still be sad. And at some point, I’m gunna do okay. Because that’s how this shit goes. You go up and you go down and you have friends, real friends, there to catch you. And i hope you do too.

For now, it’s too hard. It’s too hard to look at my instagram with pictures of you. It’s too hard to see your face. It’s too hard to think about what to do about your mom and sister that follow me. It’s too hard to think about if i want to take the pictures down.. cuz what if you do..

I guess i should probably sleep.. but i just feel really fucking hollow. And really fucking heavy. And really fucking tired. But really fucking sad... like really fucking sad..

And i bet he’s feeling none of it. Cuz that’s what he does. He pushes everything away and never talks about how things affect him.

As we were talking, he said that this was the most he’s cried in the past years combined. And considering the last year he had, that is really fucking sad. In some ways it’s nice to know i had a big impact, but also like.. god.. he needs to be talking to someone. He needs a therapist. He needs help. He says he doesn’t, but he does. We dated for 10 months and he couldn’t talk about his dad. We never talked about my past. He really scimmed the surface of what a connection should be, and that’s really sad. And he ended it before he could make some real improvement because he was getting better.. really slowly but he was.

Idk what to do with myself. Idk how to feel or what to say or who to say it to. I want to sleep and i want to do yoga tomorrow. And i want to figure it out from there.

#samiswriting

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