Top 10 enstars relationships (doesn't have to be romantic!)

im so glad i can draft ask responses because i cannot do this all in one go, im not that insane

1. madarei - who would've guessed! i know ive sorta defined myself with them, which wasnt intentional but i'm very very fond of characters who help eachother feel more human, and worthy of life. putting self sacrificial little gay people together is my favorite thing! they care too much about others it makes me lose it. i feel like the way madara can't not hate certain people contrasting with how rei can't not love certain people is interesting. i think the way they both retreat from connection because of how they view themselves as evil monsters is heartbreaking. they were both driven overseas at age 17 and grew up in weird situations. i think they deserve a break, both need more sleep and love, and they should also kiss probably

2. oh god here we go with the kaoru relationships chiakao - theyre so gay and stupid and oblivious are you Kidding me. chiaki's head over heels actually and kaoru has no idea. he also will not acknowledge how much he cares about this sunshine boy or why he feels the need to call him a sunshine boy and i feel like every pairing w kaoru is just trying to win kaoru over. get him to realize he also has a heart that beats a little too fast when in the same room as certain people. date plan is my favorite story is it obvious have i said this before idk i love kaoru so many people love kaoru Hey kaoru. there's a fic i really love where kaoru takes care of chiaki's wounds during 2nd year and it's so good. it establishes that chiaki is on his radar, but he wont acknowledge it and chiaki's just like 0_0 the entire time. i feel like kaoru's proud of him for how far he's come and that's probably a mutual feeling since they both changed a lot.

3. the oddballs - they make me sad catch me sobbing over the oddballs bot on twitter, their entire story is so aighdfgddgkxdg Flails hands in the air! kanata feels like the center to me despite rei's existence just because of how important the student council taking control of the fish cult is. taking lonely characters with extreme talent and skill n isolating them more is so evil and kanata specifically just???? adhhhghhghgghughh definitely appreciates and loves the others as dear friends, the beginning to him and shu's relationship is interesting to me of Course shu doesn't like him originally. but they have similarities in that they grew up with no friends, just one was praised and worshipped while the other was bullied. big difference there. also good lord my memory on everything with wataru is failing me right now just know i really like the oddballs. REI AND WATARU IN AQUARIUM MADE ME SO UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY.

4. reikao - are they popular and basic to some people? yeah. do i care? absolutely fucking not i love them, platonic or romantic it doesnt matter i really like them and i have a kaoru polycule rotating in my brain. i think the way rei gave kaoru the chances he needed to establish his identity as an idol is amazing and rei is soooo fond of him. so unbelievably fond of him <3 kaoru being able to get past his fear of commitment because his need to be helpful is stronger means everything to me, him helping rei out with leading undead. jzjfdjgkg loses my mind

5. crazy:b in general - theyre so dysfunctional i cant believe they manage to make it work. but at the same time i'm just incredibly fond of them. the way himeru sees kohaku as similar to kaname makes mecgkdhfhfh OUHGHHFFHHGG and the way kohaku does in a way reciprocate that brotherly affection. specifically loved when he was like "hey guys! listen t'himeru!!" rinne and niki are a disaster theres something so horribly silly about niki being at the center of madness constantly. poor guy. and it's not even that himeru and kohaku are necessarily disasters, it's just that rinne likes him most so he ends up the center of chaos. also he's the one working a normal job DGJDFJFDJ i think they all think too much and should voice their thoughts more, that'd solve many problems. im looking at rinne directly.

6. chiakana - ohhhh themmmmm the beloveds the angels i wanna cradle them in my arms. married couple but the happy married couple. i said this before but chiaki absolutely gets hurt constantly performing tricks, and kanata scolds him for not being careful and i think theyre best friends for life!!! i Love that chiaki teaches kanata so much and i love that like. chiaki meets this weird lonely guy and cares about him . chiaki has a big heart chiaki would risk drowning a million times to save kanata. THE LINE WHERE KANATA BECOMES RYUSEI BLUE MELTED MY HEART oigh ryuseitai OUHFJDHH also them hugging. that's all.

7. reikei - i try not to let them make me sad but if it happens it cant be helped... divorced </3 the way that rei still thought of keito as a childhood friend while keito was just overcome with jealousy Man keito has made a lot of mistakes in his life tjdjfjgjg my eloquence on this is so gone i think everything with deadmanz is a fucking nightmare rei im so sorry. i do think they can reconcile, like u say the enstars characters are really young and have an entire life ahead of them. i think about your reikei drabble when i think about them because it's cute and i love how you write keito

8. izukao - my friend got me into them Really fast, but then dance on ice ruined my life and now i need to see kaoru talk to izumi more. they constantly wanna impress eachother and kaoru is so casual with him it makes me lose it. the fact that izumi says kao's only redeeming quality is his looks? i dont believe you. you Gotta at least commend him for his dedication to u. i think kaoru's in love with him he just doesnt know it also i love their nicknames for eachother ALSO ADDING IN CHIAKI 3A trio my beloveds!!!! theyre disasters Ough. i love kaoru this entire post is just a lovepost to ksoru. he deserves so much love all these bitches love kaoru

9. narumika - Sidenote why is narumika the popular name and not aramika? is it because of the name naruchan and the fact she prefers that? it feels like a tododeku situation w inconsistent ship names but anyway awwwawwawaw theyre ride or die friends for life mika is arashi's poor little meow meow i forgot who said this to me but theyre So right. mika could do anything and arashi would not bat an eye, she'll support him til the end! the way she worries for mika's wellbeing is really sweet, and i think it's so good she's there for him. i'll admit i havent gotten too far as far as seeing/reading canon moments but know i will one day because im fond of them

10. rei and a forehead kiss goodnight

UM. I'm not that familiar with your interests other than deltarune so for the ask game I'll say Susie!

My overall opinion on the character: SUSIE. MY GIRL. THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER IN YHE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. she is so full of love and issues and joy and AAAAAGSHSGHSGSHS [biting sticks]

One virtue they have: she loves her friends. so much. She just has so much love in her heart all the time it makes me want to sob. she cares about her friends so so much the way she carries lancer when he isn't well and cheers kris up so easily after spamton neo and awkwardly shuffles her way through talking with noelle like oh my god. she's so happy she has friends. AGH

One flaw they have: on the flip side of that she DOES struggle with getting her emotions across, she doesn't like being particularly vulnerable, she has all this love in her heart but she can't just SAY that so she shows it in her own ways and then she unabashedly does it with her whole entire chest I love her. I'd pay for her therapy

Favorite moment from their arc: Oh man where to begin. the lancer fight of course is just sooooooo. "I don't wanna kill you man" WHAT IF I KILLED US ALLLLL and the ferris wheel scene with noelle was so sweet and silly and cute and gentle I aagahsgshsvjsdksjd starts snapping things in half.

Least favorite moment from their arc: I... do not have one. her arc has been pretty well written and coherent so far thank you toby fox

One relationship they have with another character: KRIS. RKIS. KRIS. HELLO ITS ME KRISUSIE FAN NUMBER 1 OHHHHH MY GOD THEY FUCKING GET EACHOTHER THEYRE BOTH THE OUTCASTS THEY BOTH ACT OUT FOR ATTENTION THEY BOTH HAVE THE SAME MORBID TEEN HUMOR SUSIE IS EVERYTHING KRIS WANTS TO BE AND KRIS IS EVERYTHING SUSIE WANTS TO BE. THEY FIT TOGETHER LIKE TWO PIECES OF A PUZZLE THEY'RE INSEPERABLE

One relationship I'd like to see explored from this character: loooots of people have said it before but more susie & toriel AND also susie & undyne. troubled youth and kind/batshit insane mentor figure... esp bc undyne is so close to susie, in terms of aggressively loving their friends

What I would have liked to see happen with them in the media: well we only have 2 chapters out obviously so I'm just gonna turn this into the theory section. I REALLY deeply truly believe in the "susie is the true protagonist and kris only seems like it/is forced to be it because of our involvement" theory. like. the way both of the darkworlds so far have deeply related to susie AND her love interest, only the secret bosses have related to kris, the way susies slowly learning and developing magic and all kinds of other things in the darkworlds, how she feels like the heart of the party, even just shots where she's at the center of it all and not kris. There's so much more oh my god but I haven't thought about deltarune like this in months so. Wah

*enters ask box* jesse x robaire pls 🥺

HEHEHSHSHDHWHSAKKS TYSM FOR THIS ASK <3

I hope u dont mind i made this a hc list !! I could def do a fanfic for u if u want that instead <33 btw im making this 2 sections, first is confessing then second is couple stuff HEHSHDJAH

jesse n robaire confession hc's !!

they mean sm to me :(( <3 *stuffs them into my pocket while sobbing violently*

i am a firm believer that jesse confessed while drunk

remember my drunk 4town hc's where jesse's the chill drunk ? yeah, he confessed in a painfully chill, relaxed way

robaire (who was sober) was sitting next to him on the tour bus, when suddenly a very drunk jesse puts his arm around him n says "y'know, i reallyyy like u. ahah"

jesse was so calm while ro was abt to go up in flames

aaron z slid t a 50$ bill since they made a bet about who would confess first, which aaron t happily won

robaire assumed he was jus saying that cos he's drunk n didn't think much abt it

^ is what i would say if it werent the ONLY THING HE COULD THINK ABT FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT

he was always the cool n collected member but today was not his day

he was blushing sm aaron t was abt to tease him on it before aaron z quickly pulled him back to his seat, giving him a glare that basically said "say anything n ill make sure the cops cant find ur body"

needless to say t smiled nervously n stayed in his seat for the rest of the car ride

ANYWAYYY back to jesro

robaire decided to vaguely bring it up the next day when jesse was sober,

"sooo, do u remember anything from last night?" type thing (he's not smooth when he's nervous shhh)

jesse thought about it for 3 damn seconds n said no, to which robaire gulped n contemplated whether or not he should tell him

"did i say anything weird?"

u confESSED TO UR BESTFEIEND WHAT DO U MEAN "DID I SAY ANYTHING WEIRD" YES U MF

robaire laughed to cover up his fear of what jesse would say next, then told him abt how he got touchy-feely w him n that he told him he "really liked him"

jesse pretty much choked on whatever he was eating at the time when he heard that

"oh- heh, did i?" ~nervous voice crack~

they ended up laughing abt it for a bit, making robaire think he really was jus saying it cos he was drunk :(( ueueue why am i hurting myself w my own hc im so sad rn thinking abt this

jesse (being the confident bitch he is) stopped n looked robaire in the eyes w a soft smile, n BAAM cue the romantic background music n the aarons watching from a distance, he TOLD ROBAIRE HE LIKES HIM FR WOOOOO clap clap clap

robaire.exe has stopped working

for a ~cool, collected~ guy, he was an absolute MESS after that, stuttering n blushing (if his hair were longer i bet loads of money he'd b twirling it /j)

he didnt think his bestfriend (slayyy friendzone him /j) would like him too??? like??? hello?????? he thought he was dreaming

nonetheless, he confessed his feelings for jesse too n they just sorta had that movie moment where they jus look at eachother w love eyes n stupid grins thats only romantic to the ppl doing it n probably awkward for ppl around them

aaron t jumped up from his hiding spot next to aaron z n screamed "JUST KISS ALREADY LOSERS" n quickly hid again, giggling while z rolled his eyes n smiled

nnnnnn now they were both flustered messes. great 🚶

from most confident guys in the band to shy bitches smh

spoiler alert; they didn't kiss </3 but thats okay bc

now we're onto...

dating hc's !!

slightly suggestive not that much tho

jesses kids already adored robaire n probably already knew that their dad had a crush on him bc of the drawings n paintings he had of him so they were ecstatic when they learned the two started dating <3

"so.. what do we call uncle robaire now??" "daddy2? dada?" -his kids having a super duper important meeting at their toy kitchen

robaire overheard this n quite literally started sobbing instantly

he went to jesses room where his ☆boyfriend☆ was n layed down next to him, when asked what happened all he could say was "uehdiadhaxikz... ur kidsksbsixj...theyre talking abt what they should call me now that we're todhaidgadaosoaudjajdjaowiw9uskznal"

obviously jesse had been w him long enough to understand him thru the sobs, n started rubbing circles on ro's back as a smile broke out on his face

robaire was literally this picture dont even try to argue w me on this:

the kids settled on dada n robaire sobbed aGAIN when they first called him it

he was like whispering "dont cry dont cry dont cry dont cry" to himself then excused himself to go to the bathroom to cry

"daddy, is dada okay? he looked sad" "oh dont worry hun he's fine"

he was in fact not fine (/pos) n jesse went n knocked on the bathroom door to check on him

robaire loves these kids to death n spoils them soooo much, jesse jokes about it making parenting way harder than it should be for him

onto other couple things now !!

their first official date was at a nearby art cafe where u could do pottery, paint, etc

they went w pottery like the cliche romantics they r ( ˘ ³˘)♥︎

think jesse guiding robaire, head resting on his shoulder, holding his boyfriends hands

screams WHEN IS IT MY TURN

they fucked up the first pot bc they kept making flirty little remarks about eachother (gay ppl 🙄 /j)

"jess i love u but if u make me fuck up another pot i will drop kick u into oblivion"

🏳️‍🌈 insert 'fuck me instead' joke from jesse 🏳️‍🌈

robaire may or may not have elbowed jesse for that

their first kiss was so extra like omg

during their france tour they found some time for themselves n went on a little date thru paris n at EXACTLY midnight (no it wasnt new years <3) while they were admiring the eiffel tower they leaned in n dkjaidhsi!!!!! <333

a fan actually saw n started squealing as quiet as they could so jesse n robaire wouldnt notice

they did notice . .

robaire (jesse was recovering from the kiss, red-faced as hell) asked the fan to keep it secret n not tell anyone about it since him n jesse wanted to keep it private until they were comfortable enough to tell ppl outside of their band, to which the fan agreed to

stan that fan for clear skin !!

they did eventually tell the press about it during an interview after they'd been together for around 2 months, it was vvvv difficult hiding it from paparazzi

before anyone (besides 4town n the fan) knew about them they had v light pda, like putting their arm around the others waist <3

they weren't rly big on pda so after everyone knew it was still just a little kiss on the cheek, holding hands, etc, they prefer doing couple things in private

like i stated way before, the kids love robaire, n they did a little date night for their dada's !! preparing a meal made of toy food, making the couch nice so they could relax n watch a movie together, n went straight to bed after bringing them drinks so they could have some alone time

jesse n his baby mama raised the twins so well <333

they spent the rest of the night cuddling, watching a movie n jus enjoying the company of one another

n the rest is history !! <3

i wouldn't mind making a part 2/fanfic tho ngl, i could go on abt them for ages HAHAHSIDHQI

anyhowww, thank u for reading !! sorry for the long post, they're just so skabidbsobdoabz <3333

When we had eachother

"You can escape a killing game, sure, but bad habits catch up to you. When you spend your whole life living for someone and theyre gone, what do you do?"

so sorry for not posting in awhile haha. i hope this makes up for it. its a little angsty though haha. the epilogue just gave me some ideas..

tw: main character death mentioned/grieving over loss

blythe walked quietly, quiet footsteps against the cracked concrete, hurried, as if she had somewhere important to go. could the others hear the sob that rested at the back of her throat, too? could passerbys notice the dead light in her eyes? would a bystander be able to pinpoint the exact number of shards her heart split into? 

maybe not, doubtfully so. 

but even a child would be able to notice the way she carried herself, shoulders slouched, gaze hazy as she searched for something even she wasn’t sure of in the grey clouds, clothes hanging loosely, hard to tell if she had just gotten out of bed or if she had perhaps just fallen asleep in those clothes the night before. 

truth was she hadn’t been able to sleep. closing her eyes was simply a shattered wish she knew would not be granted, but like a child who was too scared to tell their parents they knew about santa claus, she remained in bed still, if only to keep the fantasy alive, in some abstract form. 

as if anyone believed it. that she had ever been even half functional. even before him. even before all of this. she had always been a girl to be left on the sidewalk, nothing special, something to get bored of. to get thrown aside. to be alone. the girls dont like the boring dolls, no one wants a dog with no tricks, the boys dont like a girl that doesn’t stand out. 

she took in a deep breath as she stood at the gate. hesitating for a moment before pushing it open, grip tightening around the flowers she had gotten. she didn’t even know what type they were. not like he had a favorite. said he liked all flowers equally. 

so she got a bunch of them, as many as she could afford anyways, all of different colors. just for him. she wasn’t planning on eating tonight anyways. the food never tasted right in her throat. it felt like getting the first slice of someone else’s cake. intruding, selfish. she never had the energy to chew, anyways.

from concrete, to grass, to dirt. she stood in front of his grave. it had been a long funeral. he payed for it himself. she was left enough money to last her for the rest of her life, they said. but she hadn’t spent a cent of his money. she couldn’t find it in her heart to take more from him. even now. especially now.

her body tensed as she set the flowers down, with the rest. purple and yellow and blue. red and orange and pink. every color she could find. its what he deserved, even if he’d claimed otherwise in life. in death too, if he could. 

there was a feeling in the back of her throat again. where she hid the fine dust of her broken dreams, and the words she never had enough courage to say. they mixed together and formed a sob, the sob of a girl- a woman now, a widowed wife, who would never be anything worthwhile. who never grew stronger with the pain, she simply lived in spite of it. never having much more than that. she latched onto those who actually had something. be it brains or charm or even just a plan for the future beyond ‘live to see it’. because what’s the point of living when you have nothing to live for? 

it had become a much harder question to answer with each passing day. 

the tears rolled warm down her face, and she closed her eyes, but she had memorized the words since they had buried him. 

“Yaku Kusuri, April 20th - July 13th. Perhaps not in loving memory, but in memory i’m sure. i’ll have a great view of your wings from down here. So until then, soar.” 

he had requested it himself. wrote it in his will, along with everything else for the funeral. she was sure she would fly with him, despite what he believed. she would drag him up there, if she had to. 

that got a chuckle out of her. mournful and morbid and giddy. it had been so long since she laughed.

maybe she could learn to be okay. she’s sure he’d rather forgive her for keeping him waiting. 

just like she entered, she left quietly. the smile on her face being that of a woman who had risked loving. and although she had lost, it didn’t make it any less worth it. she wouldn’t trade their time together for the world. 

because it may have not been perfect, but it was to her. and what is love if not pain? isn’t that what it’s always been? if not from the feeling itself than from what it is like to live without it. 

but it still is pain. and it hurts.

but as she decided before, she would live, even if only to spite life. to spite everyone who left her on the sidewalk to rot. she would live. 

she has to, at this point.

rant time

im so mentally unwell. i keep crying and then just stopping, i dont even get the satisfaction of a proper sob. i had a breakdown on christmas eve and hid in the pantry and just started giggling and when my mum asked why i said i did it because ‘emillie couldnt find me there’ why do i feel the need to hide from myself you ask??? because im a humongous arsehole. I drove all my friends away, this year has been horrible, my childhood best friend committed suicide and the other one cut me off, i put all these expectations on myself for my foundation in art and i didnt meet them, i lost all of my friends because i couldnt handle a conversation and lashed out, tried to make up for it, and then lashed out again when things didnt go my way. I spent all summer in therapy whilst also working at a call centre for ppi and i think the only reason i did so well was because i wanted to hear people on the phone get mad at me and insult me and yell at me because my ex friends were all ignoring me and id rather have hatred and disappointment than nothing. I dont think im actually asexual because i think ive just been repressing my actual personality because no one ever seems to actually like me so i keep faking interests and i dont know what i actually like to do, if its an interest i developed on my own or if i subconciously developed it to fit in with people? i hate myself so fucking much, im ugly im fat and so i do dye my hair to seem cool and courageous and interesting but really im just some fat bitch with a mile long mean streak and i just have all this repressed anger and its coming out man oh fuck is it coming out.. the other day i had my earphones setting set so the audio only came out of one earbud and when i tried to fix it the screen was being weird and wouldnt let me and i got so frustrated i started crying and scratching my arm to buggary, i wanted to rip out my eyes and eat my own tongue. im all alone in my flat and i hate it because i feel like i have no one to talk to and i mean im pretty sure all my flat mates hate me anyway (they decided to do christmas gifts without me woo) and i have friends at uni but theyre going through a really hard time themselves (dead relatives, cheating on boyfriends, and other boy/girl troubles) and i dont want to dump more things on them and even if i did how does my shit compare to that? i have to go home in a few days and fuck i really dont want to. im gonna get those judgy looks and the familys a fucking joke - no one likes eachother and im tired of all the fucking secrets and lies. whos great uncle billy? why have i never met him? what did my gran do to piss him off so much? is my mum actually the racist my gran makes her out to be? what did my gran do to my mum? whats the actual reason shes been kicked out of the will? and why am i in the middle of it all. i i just dont want to exist, i dont want to die but i dont want to live. i just want to go into a box for a week and just breakdown, pull out all my teeth shave my head rip off my nails and stab myself in the face but come out completely fine and sane and ready to get back to uni. i cant sleep i dont want to eat but then i binge and i just want to vomit all my organs up and then sleep for three thousand years. im done man, im so fucking done. every year its ‘this is my year’ and it never is. im not even the most important person in my life id rather die than let anyone know how i actually am because theyve all got enough going on and i dont want to have another year of disappointment of friends deciding that im the weak link in the group and cutting me out. i must be so fuckign toxic cause theres only so many times you can convince yourself that youre not the problem and youve just met bad people and boy have i got a long line of people who would love to see me dead or hurt, i just want it all to end  i cant go on like this. i keep spending money i dont have and setting challenges for myself things to do so i wont off myself or walk into the woods and just never come back. this cycle in my head is killing me the i want to die but i cant but i want to cycle is rotting my brain from the inside out and its been such a long process that killing myself has become my coping mechanism. ive normalised my own pain for so long that its gotten to the point that this is just who i am. if i got rid of it or tried to get some help i dont even know who id be and im scared that shes worse than what i am now and id honestly rather off myself than prove everyone who ever hated me right

10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.