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tacuaches · 2 years

Text

Nostalgia

what i’m listening to: Remind Me by Röyksopp

i am well aware that i say this a lot, but in all honesty the passage of time has me fucked up. lately, i've become aware of how my taste in music is what kids would now call dad rock as millennials are now in their late 20s to early 40s and are starting families of their own.

maybe it is because i was raised by millennials to where i grew up like a mini version of one as i, for the most part, listen to a majority of the music my parents do and enjoy. hell, from an early age my mother instilled a love for my chemical romance in me because she used the welcome to the black parade album to cope with the loss of her father. and it wouldn't be until middle school to where i would begin to transition into my 2010s emo/scene kid revival phase when it would hit me.

i actually remember it quite distinctly as a friend and i had been in my apartment going through my mother's ipad to find music to listen to when she excitedly found out we had mcr on there (i had said in the moment that it was my mom's.) my friend had thought it was so cool that we listened to mcr and that they were such a good band and thus began my descent into the alt culture.

i shouldn't shouldn't be surprised by it, really, at the age of 7 i would sing lithium by nirvana during karaoke along with zombie by the cranberries. but as i cling onto these bands that i grew up with (and really what my parents grew up with) it haunts me to think that it's now on the classic rock station. to me still it feels like 1991 was 10 years ago, but in reality it was 30 years ago which feels so wrong in a way? i mean it takes me out to realise 2011 was 10 years ago despite my brother being 11, but even then i have the hardest grasp on the fact that he's that old as it feels like just last week he was the annoying little toddler dressed up as muno from yo gabba gabba.

maybe this is a side effect of growing older - your concept of time becomes skewed as the days blend together before soon becoming months and eventually years. maybe this is how my father feels when he looks at me and tells me he remembers when i was a chubby child and sporting what he calls duck lips before eventually shaking his head as if dispelling the memory away from where it came.

he often apologises me for missing out on my life as my parents divorced when i was 8 and my mother got me while he had me weekends. i tell him he really shouldn't worry about it as i don't remember most of my childhood anyways, maybe from the years long resentment i held for my mother or from some trauma i've repressed. possibly it is a combination of the two, i'm not too sure.

there's this weird duality to it, really, i've repressed so much and yet i still wish to go back in time for somethings as i miss the feelings that they've brought me. in particular i miss people and animals that are no longer in my life usually it is the dead, but i also miss the ones that i have parted ways with whether it be on bad terms or good ones. maybe it's the cancerian in me and how i miss family - found or blood.

i think that's what it is and why i have such a complex relationship with yearning for the past and being unable to let things go. why i cant unfollow friends i share with my ex even though i never want to see her again, but they are still my friends (or at least i hope they are, even though a majority of them decided to stay friends with her while i went off into isolation to cope with the fact she left me for my cousin's friend.)

whatever it is, i think i shouldn't ruminate on it much longer as the past is still the past and it won't do much good fixating on it because it won't change and i can only become better from here on out.

with that i wish you a very nice rest of your day and want you to know that i love you and hope you stay hydrated.

what i’m doing: watching You're Next on Hulu

what i’m drinking: heb brand coca-cola

what i’m eating: chips and salsa

where i’m at: sitting at the kitchen table in my house

what i’m wearing: a Ghost t-shirt and shorts

date and time: 13 November 2021 - 01:41

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