"Yes! Show me the power of the Red Crown! I have missed it so..."

Hey! There’s something that’s been playing on my mind for a while now and would be great to get a reasoned male perspective on this. I think you’re really measured in your views, so would appreciate some input - but if you can’t be bothered, that’s no problem at all!

I’ve been with my partner for a few years now but the last year or so has been… rocky. He’s really busy at work so we barely see each other, and he’s too tired to really do anything when we have time. The issue for me is he’s got this female colleague he’s super close with and “likes spending time” with her. He’s said he finds her physically attractive but that they’re just friends. He goes for coffees and lunches with her during work (which, fine), will stay and have drinks with her on nights out after other colleagues have left, and talks to her about our relationship issues. Apparently the entire office is really close, but he’s closer with her because they’re more senior. Recently, he was complaining that we hadn’t seen each other in three days (we live together) but went for a walk with her within 30 mins of saying this. I’ve said I’m super uncomfortable with this and whilst I don’t think there’s anything untoward going on necessarily, I’m concerned he’s got a thing for her. He says he doesn’t and doesn’t see an issue with their relationship because they work in a stressful environment so have a comradeship if you will etc.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable and overreacting. My female friends say they’d be uncomfortable with that too, but I don’t know if a dude might see things differently. Would love to hear your thoughts - and sorry for the mega long trauma dump!

This lines up in some ways with something I had going on in my early 20's.

I typed up 2 pages of stuff and realized it was just me going on a Garison Kilor style story that would have come around to the point eventually but would have crossed 12 time zones in the process.

(love his stories tho, saw the guy live it was incredible no scripts or prompts just a guy tellin a story) - almost did it again

My deal wasn't quite the same, lines up in a lot of places though.

I am not a professional so this is all lay stuff based on personal experience.

There needs to be some kind of boundaries created, work time, breaks and even the occasional wind down scotch not something to make an issue of unless there's a actual problem or some kind of thing in either of your histories that would make it less so.

When he's home, work should be on the back burner, if he's not bringing projects home to work on (better not be unless he's getting paid) pretty well everything to do with work needs to cease.

important for his mental health as well as the health of the relationship

I don't think that it's too much to ask though, keep your work stuff including people at work, random exceptions to be made as you said they're friends and the friendship extends beyond work so if she calls him up in tears because her hot Spanish lover Raymondo left her for the pool boy that's a very good time for a exception to be made, usually is with Raymondo he's a man whore like that.

In all seriousness though, there needs to be a separation between work and home it's something that all parties involved need to know and respect, generally speaking.

No clue what the industry is, but if it's as stressful as you let on as I put up a little bit, he needs to disconnect from that when he can just for his own sanity.

I don't think you're being unreasonable wanting him to spend not work time with you, and also letting him know it's making you uncomfortable isn't unreasonable either, honesty being very important in relationships.

But ya I would discuss boundaries and what is your together time and what that means, I hate ultimatums so not something I'd include personally, but a good talk seems in order.

Keep a note pad if you guys have a tendency to drift off topic so you can remember what the other topics were, little chatting cheat like having 37 wikipedia tabs open but for conversation.

I'll be keeping y'all on my prayer list for a while.