Tumgik
#theres just so much to do and im being crushed by the weight of it all
opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#srry to be all vent posts and no art but the stress is high rn#i feel a little better now. i forgot how much i love working with the culture collection#i go in when theres no one there and i just spend a few hours listening to podcasts as i move slime from tube to tube#it forces me to do one thing bc once i start i cant stop. i just like it a lot. i havent done for like the last 2 semesters bc we had the#money to pay a student to do it. and at the time i was in the thick of taking photosynthesis measures and it was causing me a lot of pain#and transfering was like the one lab task i liked to do so it felt like i was being punished. i could no longer do the thing most aligned#with my interests. and i just let it go bc in my brain im not allowed to do things that i enjoy. if i enjoy it its not hard enough.#so i just let it go. and let myself be crushed under the weight of things i don't enjoy and now here we r#a little light has returned to me#and its not all bad. i am looking forward to giving a lecture next week. i like communicating info to others and deciding what to talk abt#ill try to make it fun. if i have the time. and im looking forward to my meeting tomorrow morning. everyone ive met with so far does really#cool research. id be happy to wind up anywhere. but if i get into the big scary uk uni then i have to go there bc the project is so perfect#i dont dare get my hopes up. and tho my interview today wasnt the best i learned some really cool things by talking to the guy and im more#prepared moving forward.#however i did agree to make both my sisters sticker sheets for xmas and that is gonna take so much time i might die. so ya kno rip#but like i said. not all bad.#unrelated
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ofmermaidstories · 1 month
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(This is all about ''Something (just like this'' :], i apolagize in advance)
Theres an auther (you, i'm thinking of you) that has given sutch weight to the simple human pains everyone has, let them cary a greaf in every breath they're mentioned, i can't help but ache with the mc as one because i get it, i understand and even if i handn't felt the same pain that crushes your hope of ever being loved in the same way you do, if i hadn't though myself cynical and bitter the way she does i still think i'd get it.
I still think i'd be able to see myself cradle my heart like an infant, even though it's an old ugly, terrable creature.
The plots so ritch it's unbalivable that i get to read your works for free, like i knew it was her bestfried the second our artist glaced over her sholder and saw her drawing kids with guns in masks. But it was her best-fucking-fried, who dies without answering her livid questioning.
It's her constant self awair bitternes to the person she is that just-
Chefs fucking kiss.
Like the way she views herself and everyone else she thinks threatens the few things she sees as good in her with a sort of cynicalnes, but through herself that is bloody perfect.
Shes insane for the shit she pulls, Gods i love her.
I cannot expres enough of my love for the way you craft your words, the story and the way you put so mutch care into it makes me ill.
Izuku is caprured so well, his whole being being intertwined with Katsukies-....i am going feral as we speak.
Also her being an artist so acuretly presented, it's insane, the way she is about her skill, her talents, her works and her instuments and the way there are these little moments she wants to capture is so stupidly accurate to how i see the world as a creative. Always hungry and always craving to make, even when im no where near a peace of paper or even the shittiest of pens.
Im grinning and in fucking tears. (As i was writing all of this in my notes i wasn t even that far into the last chapter.)
Holy fuck, god i fucking despise Hana. And i get why, and im amazed at how her resoning, her pain and anger dosn't justify(?) shit when i've seen a lot of things where someones inhumane actions get swept under the rug cus they were hurting quietly, or something.
She was like a quirk nazi. Nothing redeams(?) that, y'know?
Auther i am shaking you by the sholders, and im sorry if my nails dig in too deep but holy fuck. Breathings hard, fic so good my rib cage has started to feel too small for my heart, and my lungs, and the hole your story has carved inbetween all of it.
Fic so good i haven't even gotten to the end and i want to thank you for, for all this has done to me. I'm shit with fics where there are a lot of words, no matter how mutch i love the characters and yet, and yet somehow this is one of the 100k + fanfics i have enjoyed every gut wrenching second of.
I feel like vomiting
In fact
I might.
They all need therapy after this, methinks.
(I know this is long and loopy, and my english (my second language) is not great, and that ultametly i kinda said nothing but i needed you to see (at least a little bit of) how insanely wonderful your craft is)
Anywho, i still haven't finished, and that was a lot of words, but i hope you have a lovely 24 h, i wish you the best with all of your future works. "Something (just like this)" has...given me brain damadge i'm guessing.
Blue, there is nothing to apologise for, I think you are wonderful. 🥺 You said everything. 🥺 From this message alone—from you taking the time to write it, and send it, I can tell you that there’s nothing about your heart that’s old or ugly or terrible. If anything, I think it’s golden—like the afternoon sun, reflecting all that good light back until it’s too much to hold. 🥹🫀✨
But okay, lemme try and do the thoughtfulness of this ask some justice. 🥹💕 God, to be honest I kinda worried about Hana, and her place in the story. Like—knowing how it was going to end. I think a lot of us will end up parting ways with people in our life that were important—and some, unfortunately, for ugly reasons. Hana’s betrayal is like, so extreme, so dramatic and terrible. And it doesn’t just hurt Reader, it hurt other people, kids. Like sure, Hana was hurt—but then she turned around and hurt others, willingly. And there’s no justice for the ones she directly affects. You’re right, Blue. You can’t redeem that—you can only pick up the pieces around it.
Tbh, I think Reader’s bitterness would’ve made building a life after it all that much harder, if it weren’t for other people. 🥹 Like—Scribbles cynical nature was such a fun part of writing the fic, lmao, and it absolutely would’ve made life that much harder for her in the aftermath if she didn’t have support. 🥹 I think someone like Scribbles, who barely trusts themselves, was a good match/contrast for Izuku who—like, even in canon is learning to overcome the worst of his most fear-driven habits. It gives him the ability to see Scribbles in a way that—that she needed. 🥺
Bluey!!! You’re an artist too??? Like our Reader. 🥹 The need to document everything is so real lmao. Like—it’s constant!! An insatiable way of looking at the world. 🥹 How do I capture this, how can I do this. I literally just had that feeling the other night, driving home under a perfectly straight trail of cloud like a comet’s tail. The sky was that perfect, indigo glow, and there was a single star alongside of it and it genuinely looked like the trail of a meteorite streaking over the sky and I wanted to remember everything about it. I wanted to draw it, write it, anything to keep it.
Blue, you have said so many kind things about my writing. 🥺 Either in this ask or in the tags of other things. And!!! It means so much to me, every time. 🥺 This is what I mean when I say you have a reflective, golden heart. 🥹💛🌿 I’m always going to be glad that like, I could write something that made you wanna reach out and say hello, lmao, but mostly I’m just glad you’re here. ☀️
(Also, as an aside—you mentioned a song, in the tags of one post a little while ago. I wanted you to know that I immediately ran to spotify to try and find it, lmao, and listen to it and like, now it lives in my likes and every time I listen to it I think of you and also of maybe trying to write a Bakugou worthy of the association, lmao. It’s such a sweet song, Blue, thank-you for the new music 🌷)
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mochiwrites · 2 months
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“The plan has changed. I’ve hired someone to do what you couldn’t do the first time.”
NONONONONONONONONO GRIAN PLEASE GRIAN NO GRIAN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GRIAN NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONNONONONONONO
THAT TEASER YOU POSTED SOME TIME AGO MAKES THIS SO MUCH WORSE NONONONONONONONONONONONO
He knows what he has to do, what he’s meant to do. It’s the role he’s been cast to play. 
Secret life parallels oh lordy lord. i am SO UNWELL. no. NOOOOOOO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i legitimately dont have any words. the only way i can properly express how im feeling right now is just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
He’s not naive and hopeful like Grian is, or as kind as Mumbo can be. He’s selfish and cruel, and his loyalty is fickle. 
this is legitimately one of my favorite parts of scar's character actually. i don't have the brain power to properly analyze this, but something about how honest he is about this is so. augh. this trait is what's ultimately going to be his demise (at least, he thinks so). he'll lose grian and mumbo (possibly through death) because he chooses tubbo over mumbo and grian. he knows and he's not proud of it but it's vital to his survival anyways so he does nothing to fight it.
i dont think i make sense at all and theres a great possibility ive mischaracterized him entirely (it wouldnt be the first time, sadly) but i love it regardless. i love how flawed he is. how flawed they all are. i love how tragic their stories are. grian with his unwavering hope and optimism that gets constantly tested (and possibly crushed at some point) and scar with his insistence to not get close that eventually stabs him in the back and mumbo with his guarded but oh so big heart that he's tentatively given out only to get hurt in some way. please correct me if any of this is wrong, btw, id rather be corrected than live in ignorance of the truth
No amount of rope can pull him out. It’ll snap apart under the weight of his actions, so why try? There’s no real point in it. 
this is why you need a grian, scar. sigh.
He needs to stop being Scar and start being the Grim Reaper. He sucks in a breath, throwing Scar away.
oh this is fantastic because scar cares so deeply for them and would do just about anything to protect them, because as much as he tries not to, scar cares and loves. but that's exactly the problem because he cares for and loves tubbo so much he'd do just about anything to protect him, including sacrificing grian and mumbo. but scar couldn't possibly do that when he cares for them so much. so he weaponizes the grim reaper, who doesn't care for anyone or anything besides getting the job done.
im genuinely just rambling here there's zero coherence to be found in any of this
“We figured we should take advantage of the peace while we can,"
wow youre really just pulling out all the stops to make this hurt as much as possible arent you
But even then… surely it wouldn’t take this long to heal. 
this is SOOOOO CONCERNING are you KIDDING ME???? MUMBO PLEASEEEEEEEEE YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME MAN😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Maybe we can come back tomorrow earlier.” 
i have you say you are incredible at setting the mood. having an idea of what's about to happen as a third party, watching it all unfold. grian and mumbo being right there and nearly getting to the truth, but not quite getting it because they trust scar. BECAUSE THEY TRUST SCAR!! grum and jrum being there adding to the innocence of it all and amplifying how unsettling scar's actions are. "maybe we can come back tomorrow" when there's not going to BE a tomorrow for them (assuming scar succeeds). it's so tense. it's so anxiety-inducing. it's such an intense sense of foreboding and it has my heart rate genuinely going up. infinite props to you.
He aims for Mumbo’s shoulder.
might be overthinking this but i hate that this implies the possibility that scar informed this assassin with ways to make the killing easier
He grits his teeth as he pulls another glyph from his pocket. He slams it between his hands, vines wrapping up around his arms.
GRIAN'S GLYPHS LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO!! IT'S EVEN COOLER THAN ID IMAGINED HEHE
“Did you get hit at all?” He does a quick scan of the changeling for any injuries.
you're really making this hurt
“Dad!” the two boys cry, the word not registering to any of them in the moment. 
AAAAAAAAAA YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY STOP IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Blood splatters on the ground in thick drops, spilling in the grooves of the cobble path. 
i havent read ahead and i swear to god if this is grian sacrificing himself for mumbo and he turns around and sees grian's body on the pavement and screams "GRIAN!" and that's what the teaser was and that's how it ends my brain is going to be filled with unspeakable screaming until it gets confirmation that he's okay.
“GRIAN!”
I WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT. I WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE GUESSED CORRECTLY. I WASNT. THAT WASNT. IM. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
IM. I HAVE NO WORDS. I HAVEN'T A SINGLE COHERENT SENTENCE. I AM JUST. WOW. IM. WHAT. NO. NO?????? NO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HFGJFHKFHGJFK WELL. HI LMAO
reading through all of this with a big grin because excitement and Also knowing what happens next >:3c I'd apologize about the teaser thing but I am Not sorry WHEEZE
but in regards to the scar stuff, you're 100% right, yeah, along with grian and mumbo. they're all flawed characters just trying to do the right thing with the cards they've been dealt. their best qualities are Easily their greatest weaknesses. and none of them realize it but y'know. that's what being human is all about! :D
aND THE GRIM REAPER YEAHHHH. I talk about it all the time but I genuinely love scar being the grim reaper. weaponizing it in this chapter. he's such an interesting character to both study and write
but !!!! very glad to see that the first bomb of three has landed appropriately! :D
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gg-selvish · 11 months
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sapnap/unresolved georgenap in rules
someone on retrospring asked me for sapnap's perspective in rules because it's pretty underdevlopped in the fic so here's my answer so i have it saved because it was fun to talk about
ok i. ran out of time for sapnap in rules and i will be the first to admit that. sapnaps arc isnt very as satisfyingly resolved as dreams and thats because the dnf damage was just so intense and so fresh it took priority over longterm hurt but. theres a lot there that he went through thats implied and also in my personal headcanons of unwritten lore that implications stem from that i dont describe well or explore enough in the actual fic (sorry self burn booooooo)
rules is sapnap fell first george fell harder. 100%. its established in chapter 1 that sapnap had a crush on george since they were young and it was implied that george knew about it for most of the time of their friendship because it would be brought up casually/jokingly and while george thought it was lighthearted (and, once they got together, irrelevant) it was pure torture for sapnap.
loving both of your best friends is very difficult, if you could imagine. in my head dreamnap eased into each other better than georgenap did (emotionally) but... thats not really hard to do. dream and him established probably pretty similarly to treacherous in that it didnt take too long for them to realize their feelings for each other, but in rules george is more present so they get together faster because as we all know dreamnap are kind of scared of each other while george is the worlds biggest instigator. dnn complete each other yadda yadda im getting sidetracked
so they establish that they want each other and start this relationship but we're gonna math it out. sapnap isnt getting words of affirmation (outside of e-sex like praise no i love yous) or physical touch from george. he's getting words of affirmation from dream but limited physical touch due to The Rules (wooooooo). another thing thats quick in the fic is that dreamnap kinda lock away from each other because they Want to be together and theyre Not Allowed To so u can imagine the strain that would put on all of their dynamics. theyre so close but limited to compromise with someone who cant even say i love you or touch them like its Hard bro and theres resentment that comes from that piled atop the years of teasing for feelings that sapnap can never even be sure are reciprocated are u kidding????
so not only is there this prodding and underlying making fun of sapnaps feelings at regular interverals and overall memeing on him for YEARS theres george putting him in a painful position in the relationship too. more resentment. the piles getting pretty high, huh? and then they meet. theyre together. and its george but its also someone completely different. suddenly he's being worshipped and touched like gold with the kindest words whispered and he slips into subspace and feels so safe and he loves george so much why does it have to be so hard?
so he settles for when it's not hard.
he consents to cosigning the breaking of dreams heart and lets george sleep with him alone because for just a few minutes or hours he can pretend he means something to george. because he has doubts. maybe id go so far as to say theres times where he really doesnt believe him at all. but he does believe him when he's combing fingers through his hair and letting him taste love on his tongue
i think a lot about dreamnap in oklahoma. how sapnap felt to sleep in the same bed as dream and want to be with him alone the way they were when george was on call but he cant. all the while knowing if george was in his place he could do whatever he wants because hes on another wavelength
more resentment. george always wins, isn't that so unfair?
and when sapnap comes back different. that line is important and holds a lot of weight. thats when he got tired of george being unfair and dragging him through the mud and he wanted to be strong against someone who makes him weak so he tries so hard even though hes being torn in two and he's so tired, can you imagine? so he stops the unsafe scene. more resentment builds. he's done with george. he cant take this anymore. hes ruining everything and so he pulls away from him even more
and then he gets drunk and george crawls under his skin and he fails and can you imagine how much he was beating himself in the head for that? after being so strong and maybe he felt excluded a little because of it but he wasnt being weak and then george fucking makes him weak again and dream catches him and it all blows up because he was weak
and still. even with sapnap and him on the chopping block. george does not say i love you.
sapnap defends him in the fight. and george still doesnt say it.
it takes dream taking him apart and nearly forcing vulnerability. and sure sapnap is told first but was it because of him? do you think he'll always wonder if it was always going to be dream fixing george and never him? do you think he would feel resentful about that as well?
there's a lot of negativity in him. he's been really dragged through it and treated like shit and theres a part of me who has this perspective and sees rules!george apologists and wonders if theyre thinking about any of this. if any of it is even detectable in the tiny one liners i slipped in because i was going too fast
rules is about george at face value, but it's also kind of about dream, and it's definitely about sapnap.
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narwhalandchill · 6 months
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FINALLY FINISHED 4.1 AQ!!!!! (General thoughts also Lot of childe thoughts + 4.1 spoilers obvi and 4.2 leaks warning, LONG)
ok OK OK that was actually insane holy fuck. i was mad initially when childe lacking voicelines in 4.1 leaked but like bro was Still a central character im cool! im cool! keep it up in 4.2!!!!
FIRSTLY. i was fucking right i KNEW the oratrice was ALWAYS onto childe being connected to the primordial sea through 'it' GOD the sheer fucking amount of "theories" i saw that were like oh its all just arlecchinos machinations nothing abyssal whale is an easter egg (?) childes poor mood is bc hes drugged with sinthe by arle (??????) etc etc etc. eat my fucking ass. i saw this shit coming YEARS ago i knew i fucking knew.
honestly its just like my dearest ajax to minmax his K/D ratio to the point that he becomes the murder weapon to a case that started when he was like 5 like what a legend. he is so talented. 🥰🥰🥰🥰
im still highkey on the copium camp that the leaked humanoid phase of the ptahur fight wouldnt literally be childe tho. unironically mostly bc i think its simply a crime against him to let foul legacys visual design AND ptahurs whale design serve cunt that hard only to do the ugliest most generic possible rectangle shaped dark armor guy for A Boss Fight. Like cmon. the purple cyclops look with the flowing galaxy cape and fluffy collar was The Shit. give us extra galaxy effect pastel purple water-y polar star motif-y foul legacy design for childes magical girl powerup not That. tho if childes only gonna look ugly before he asserts his claim over the whales power and then gets a cunty powerup then all is forgiven 🥰
AND WE SAW THE WHALE I WAS LITERALLY GIDDY WATCHING THE CUTSCENE. knew it was coming bc i spoiled myself on purpose by watching it on yt i Had to see it but. ITS SO GOOD. God. and then 4.2 we will fight them both??? & the boss title is "devourer of the stars"???? like its so fucking abysspilled and real i feel like a starving middle ages peasant being fed from the royal banquet table ive waited SO LONG. foul legacy is called devouring deep and 'it' is Litetally titled devourer. this isnt a fucking coincidenceee im in love . WILF i said what i said
anyway i do agree that in terms of lore implications i dont think its unrealistic at all for it and its will to overwhelm ajax temporarily like that thing is the devourer of stars which. Might i remind people literally means devouring fate in the world of genshin and constellations. a world ending entity. but also at the same time this might be me being insane and abysspilled (always looking for a reason for apologism yk) but like. theres no direct confirmation either way whether ptahurs intentions with childe are really malicious at all. he awakened it, theyre linked and its calling for him and sure thats bad for fontainians' projected life expectancy but we cant assume much else. i mean childe was in the deep sea he might be snezhnayan so immune to anti french bathwater but bro couldve been drowning maybe the whale helped out a pal. and the music in the cutscene was more wonder than terror too? fanon guys are just coping bc they dont want childe to get worse when thats just much sexier Trust (she says, overtaken by constant paranoia that somehow theyll pull a 180 and damsel-ify him with no actual narrative weight or satisfaction for his arc ahahaha)
(but like me when i havent read tusk of monoceros caeli item desc and understood that the all-devouring desire to crush everything in his path like the solipsism represented by the image of a whale cruising through the celestial heights is very explicitly stated to be a part of himself childe chooses to gleefully embrace do not fucking try me you illiterates. sorry i got emotional for a sec back to 4.1)
AND LIKE NO I DID NOT MISS THAT NEUVILLETTE DID NEVER IN FACT CLAIM PTAHURS SENTENCE UPON FONTAINE WAS UNJUSTIFIED. JUST THAT IT WAS TOO HARSH. so like listen listen listen. (pulls up my abyss is justified the gods are false the sky is fake so bringing ruin upon the world in the greatest sin against an artificial system is actually making the sinner the one delivering heavenly justice---- conspiracy whiteboard) ANYWAY point is childe tartaglia ajax should get to torch celestia and im going to kiss him on the mouth when he does. No one @ me. but actually neuvillette genuinely APOLOGIZED for overturning ptahurs authority to deliver its sentence. im gonna read into this so hard it might be reaching but who am i if not behaving down bad horrendously about the abyss and the prospect of a cosmic eldritch entity shattering celestias world order into pieces,?? this is my Brand
act III has so much hate but i thought it was fine SJSJSKSJFKFIDKFK it did what it set out to do and it certainly isnt as interesting as act IV but it did So much of the foundational work for the next act and managed to work well enough. it got a bit repetitive so like no it wasnt perfect at all but idk when u go in with the right mindset its perfectly competent. but i can see it feel horrible when u Really just wanna get to the action parts so like its fine if ppl dislike it jsjajsk not too pressed either way
anyway i find it so cute how many people are reacting to travelers dreams of childes pov as this like omg theyre in sync and not like. An explicit confirmation that visions are mass surveillance tools p much 💀💀💀💀 like its not even ON HIM and he can still be tracked how is this endearing im so lost JSFFJSJSJ
honestly beyond the obvious childe brainrot its hard to even go off about just any specific character bc EVERYONE got it so good. chlorinde dodged the sara allegations im SO fucking happy for her!!! even if it wasnt that much its already far off from that travesty!!! her and wrios dynamic is so fucking funny i adore them and wasnt expecting it at all.
wrio is fucking GREAT! i absolutely lived for every single line of dialogue he had like mans literally the funniest person in fontaine. silver powercreep. but not just that bc hes actually so fucking good and interesting and intriguing and i loved the overall role he played. the whole power play he did w lyney and that entire confrontation played so well with both his and lyneys character im just. this was a certified banger. the house of hearth sibs were all great and lyneys characterization had So much depth and nuance i really liked the way he wasnt dropping his and lynettes backstory in 4.0 just to trauma dump but that it was all actual setup for his minor/major breakdown during act IV and that payoff was so worth it!!! arle chiding him for his pride too. listen to your dad lyney.
speaking of Whom.
oh my god oh my god arle arle arle. this woman had me actually fucking blushing like. Her ENERGY. The Poise. the Threat. the Pressure. the veneer of perfectly conducted civil friendliness that feels more threatening than if she just put a knife to my neck (which. she could. id thank her)??? how shes genuinely LIVID at furina and about the prophecy and just kept pressing at her?????? no woman in this goddamn game has had an effect like this on me i feel so weak im such a fucking dyke oh my god. HER VOICE. HER FUCKING VOICE. EVERY SENTENCE OUT OF HER MOUTH I WAS EATING IT UP. that like. idk how to even call it that like dry breathy quality to her voice is just?????? i was transfixed i was obsessed i was hypnotized.
and ofc she didnt really gaf about childe much SJAJSKSJFKSKSKDKD but like unironically funniest fucking mental image from this AQ was the concept of if arlecchino ever somehow got arrested in another nation CHILDE would be her attorney like. 😭😭😭😭😭😭 HELP (logically ik he would do fine lmao hes smart and literally feeds his ego by being good at his job you guys are just so fucking rude comparing him to 6d chess zhongli in liyue AQ. thats zhongli being too galaxy brain not anyone else being dumb)
honestly i love love love this fucked up strict but seemingly truly genuine in her own fucked up way parental figure that she appears to be?? like this isnt redeeming her this is making her interesting as fuck and i do love that. the fact that shes generally very reasonable and collected but that you can just Feel the danger lurking underneath is literally So attractive i might keel over.
and like FINALLY a nation where its not all the fatuis fault!!! well it is all childes fault (so proud of him. thats my man!!) but you get what i mean GSJSKDK. arlecchino actually offering up her cooperation at the end just feels so refreshing and nice like ahhh. feels good feels organic.
so. neuvillette is the reincarnated hydro sovereign. whos surprised. (silence) yeah fucking thought so. honestly neuvi was both incredibly interesting and good but also his clueless moments of not picking up on jokes and banter are So autistic like if i hadnt already pulled him by the point i started doing act IV i wouldve the second he started sharing his autism diagnosis with us. so like im ecstatic to have him both on my main and NA alt actually.
ALSO. Confirmed that gnoses are based on stolen authority from the sovereigns. as a scalie enthusiast i Always had a hunch sth like this was up but having it confirmed is fucking excellent. and like it feels very much like furina/focalors (r they separate ppl or not? Huh?? is the gnosis in the oratrice?) r gonna allow neuvillette to tackle the bathwater problem by surrendering the authority over hydro back to its rightful heir n thats prolly gonna be a part of how fontaine dodges the prophecy. but its still very hmmmmmm
sigewinnes traitor moment actually caught me off guard it was SO funny. like she was actually fooling us i loved that. sure she always had good intentions and everything but still iconic. in general just how wrio and gang outplayed us in the fortress of merupide was great like it just really emphasizes how bro Runs the place for real for real and it was excellent. the massive ship was kind of out of left field tho. inb4 ptahur just crushes that thing anyway lmaooooo
theres probably more still but uh this is already too long JSJSKSKDK anyway yes i did enjoy acts III and IV very much how did you notice. sorry for the length of this crazed frenzy but not sorry actually. it feels so nice to get fed finally. im so hype for 4.2.
edit: wait i forgor furina. honestly im not gonna lie i was too mesmerized by arlecchino to pay that much attention to her so sorry about that but like GAJSKDJDKDK she was great too!!!
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alliumcola · 2 years
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Our life is pretty detached from the outside , whether that be the literal outdoors or just the outside world . When i do slip out though , and waste time running through grass and taking pictures of bugs and feeding the ducks and watering the garden , i feel happy !!
not complete though . Theres always this horrid guilt itching at me that i’m wasting time and need to be doing smth productive . That im MEANT to be doing something else and i’m actively ruining things by not understanding what yet .
But whenever i accomplish things or when i fight to win something or reach some big milestone, the feeling still never wavers . Nothing feels like its “THE BIG REASON” i’m here .
i think thats why stuff like learning all the medical terms n whatnot of being a system scared me so bad . There were all these roles and terms and symptoms and it felt so dehumanizing . i spent so much time trying to figure ME out but instead of introspecting on myself for who as i am as a person or what i believe in or what i like, i just kept trying to force labels onto myself and see if i could live up to it , but thats just NOT what a person is . People dont HAVE purposes or BIG REASONS to be alive .
i dont think that feeling applies to just being an alter though . Just existing in general , as a person , the weight of expectations to live out to be smth is so crushing that its hard to even begin crafting an identity from it . I still dont know why im here ( as though anyone knows why they are ) but i’m gonna stop trying to push so much on myself bcos i’m here whether i understand it or not - So i might as well try and just do things that make me happy !!
maybe thats who i am . just some messy ball of confusion and happiness trying to find its shape
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pinkseas · 10 months
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[parasocial bestie] you still did progress anyhow and das really really good!!! focus on ur trip the attention might mess up da writing vibe and thought process tho i trust 10000000% on ur gigantic shiny brain what you do on ur writing <333333
ALSO WHAT BREAKUP THERES A??? NO YOU DID NOT TALK ABOUT IT HERE JUST ZHONGVEN RECENTLY 😭😭😭😭 pls elaborate please dump it all on me i am sitting i am preparing the Tea i am Sipping for the oncoming angst silly whatever i am expecting and the piping hot tea stays no matter what reaction LETS GOOOO 🍵🔥
SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM OMG THANK GOSH I DIDNT TALK ABOUT IT OKAY OKAY SO.
im so excited omgggggg also good morning !!!!!!! :DDD <33333
okay SO. this is actually basically just an idea i initially had for a Different piece of media taken and recycled.
xiaolumi. modern au. lumine and aether move to xiao's town and start at his school when they're like 13 or 14.
aether befriends half of their year in half the day. lumine is quieter, sticks closer to those who are the same. scara, xiao <- im absolutely not biased in any way. aether is chatty but quiet once you get to know him, lumine is quiet but chatty once you get to know her.
she and xiao share loads of classes and work well together and very much want to be closer to each other but dont exactly know how, there's this sort of tension there that neither of them can figure out to save their lives. they're still very close, just. definitely not as much as they could be. and they endure CONSTANT teasing through their school years from friends and family alike about them liking each other/having crushes on each other/"so when's the wedding?" type stuff. people will try to get them together and they just kind of awkwardly laugh it off and dont really know what to do about it. they don't like each other like that. do they?
its never been a question of whether or not they love each other. never. of course they do. but in college they make new friends, and those new friends not ONLY assume they're together from the very start but also jump right in on the teasing after learning that they're not and they finally think okay. fuck it. lets just try dating.
it lasts... a week? two weeks? three? they've never, ever felt further apart from one another. it's strange and weird and they do not like it, even with all the congratulating and claps on the back and celebration that its "finally" happened.
they break up. they make it very clear to all of their friends that they've broken up. and they're scared !! they're scared. they've been each other's closest friend for years now. what they had worked so well for both of them and now they feel theyve ruined it and they're so scared that it's gone for good.
but the breakup is a huge weight off their shoulders. there's a little bit of distance until one day lumine makes a joke about it and suddenly they fall back into rhythm like nothing ever happened. more jokes about the breakup and about each other being shitty partners are integrated right into their vocubulary, and suddenly, somehow, they're closer than ever before. that tension that'd always been between them seems to vanish, they become so COMFORTABLE with each other in a way they weren't quite able to achieve beforehand
venti is probably a pretty big part of it. i am so ready to shove the aroace agenda onto everyone. they meet him in college and he's friendly and carefree and kind and he befriends them both pretty easily, is one of the few who never teases. he does ask, after the fact, about the breakup and how it felt-- but hes respectful and he doesnt come at it from a romantic standpoint and he helps one of them (i havent really decided but Probably xiao) work through a lot of those feelings and what they mean.
lumine and aether end up having a pretty serious conversation about it. lumine has always, always known that she loves xiao, that she's in love with xiao. that hasn't changed. its just... not that kind of love. aether listens. he helps her to better understand, and he starts to understand, too.
"lumine. all that matters to me is that youre happy. are you happy?" and she is. she really, really is.
lumine and xiao do talk about it eventually, too. lumine asks xiao if he loves her. not because she wants or expects to hear a yes, just because she wants to know. wants to understand his feelings, too. and he describes it-- the depth of his care, how important she is to him, describes exactly how he feels and does not once use the word love to do so. he doesnt really know if its love. he doesnt know if any of it is. and lumine tells him that that's okay. that it doesnt have to be love. they're on the same page, they understand, that's what matters.
the Biggest Focus if i were to write it would be that huge comfort and the weight off their shoulders afterwards. the characters i first had this thought for were slightly younger teenagers, one with a huge crush on the other thats so intense they barely manage to befriend them out of shyness, and the thought was that they'd finally date, it would suck, theyd break up, and suddenly without all the perceived romantic feelings in the way there'd be nothing stopping them from being besties. i do think it works a little better with that and in theory i could change this around so that xiao and lumine meet later on and both have ""crushes"" on each other and dont know each other super well before getting together? i actually do kind of like that thought now. fawk. erm. ill Probably end up doing that if i ever do this :sob:
BUT ANYWAYS yeah that's the whole idea/premise smile. breakup fic my <3333333
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scalproie · 1 year
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mk and subscorp!
I'll do subscorp in another ask so here's mk!
001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:
• Favorite character: I sure wonder 💙❄️💙
• Least Favorite character: honestly I dont really have a least favorite character as much as I mourn their wasted potential, so to that list you can add like... all the new additions to the playable roster of mk11. and also Kotal Kahn. on paper? his concept is pretty interesting. In execution? Boring and I dont like him.
• 5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): subscorp because I have eyes that can see, sareehan, uuuuuuh kenshi/ermac cause I find it funny and uuuuuuuuuh idk. cageblade liutana and taneela. idk im a boring bitch when it comes to ships
• Character I find most attractive: I SURE WONDER 💙❄️💙 but ngl scorpion and kitana have it going on too
• Character I would marry: none idc
• Character I would be best friends with: I guess I could vibe with takeda? but other than that idk and idc I dont ask myself these kind of questions
• a random thought: literally the only medium on which I feel the mk storytelling can reach its full potential is in a downright animated show. Defenders Of The Realms is definitely not the perfect mk show on account on being from the 90s and very clearly aimed at kids, but it has a lot more value a lot of mk fans give it in terms of characterization, and with the success of hyperviolent and gorey shows like Invincible and the likes, WB NEEDS to greenlight a few seasons of a mk show. There is simply too much characters with their own storylines to fit in a single movie in a satisfying way, just look at the legends movies, BUT if the screentime was split in like, 60% Raiden + the shaolin monks against Outworld, 20% Cage + the special forces and 20% Ninja drama for one episode, then 20%-60%-20% the next, then 20%-20%-60% the next, well I think it could work a lot better in terms of pacing, narrative, and character development. Plus the characters of mk are SUPER SIMPLE AND BASIC, aka the best kind of character to add depths to. The games actually kind of already do that in the current timeline, focusing on only one character at a time to progress the game's story, but its held back by the gameplay, ironically, because unless you're a wierdo like me, people dont usually wanna sit thru 20min of cutscenes where the characters do nothing but talk about their feelings, especially in the haha gorefest video game.
• An unpopular opinion: hot take followed by a cold take: d'vorah owns as a character both in her unique design and her role in the story, I wish she could kill more fan-favorite characters. BUT it sucks when said fan-favorite characters could be killed by other characters with a lot more satisfying weight in the narrative and that I can think of them at the top of my head.
• My Canon OTP: lol i wish
• My Non-canon OTP: lmao💙💛
• Most Badass Character: I could be predictable and just say sub zero again but ngl half the cast are like, some of the most badass characters I've seen in a while.
• Most Epic Villain: I am partial to The Shangster, funny evil grandpa, and yknow what add Quan Chi too, but ONLY when hes funny
• Pairing I am not a fan of: lol 90% of what this fandom comes up with, it ranges from "i dont really care but cute!" to "yeah I dont see it" to "I actively despise this".
• Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): mandatory sindel mention, uuuuuuh the whole cast? at some point? Love those characters so much but theres like 11 games, 6 movies and some comics so of course Im gonna be angry with some decisions.
• Favourite Friendship: Jax and Sonya :)
• Character I most identify with: subz when hes looking at the realms merging and hes about to be crushed by the falling ceiling but hes pushed away by scorpion
• Character I wish I could be: scorpion when hes waking up off-screen in subz's arms after getting caught in an explosion of the One Being
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fraener · 7 months
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9/15/23
each day i get a little closer to happiness and freedom again and notice by looking back how unhappy ive been. my hearts been reaching for anything lately, ive felt stagnant in my relationship and in a lot of ways unseen...i think ive been incredibly bored and lonely for a long time now. this was one of the worst years ive had in a while for so many reasons, but ive been wondering the last few days why on earth i saw fit to let myself get so isolated. i felt at the time i was making every effort to prevent that but i felt crushed by the weight of being treated poorly by people i used to spend time with and just sort of feeling closed off from h. been nearly a year and i still feel closed off. it becomes more pronounced when were out but he often seemingly ruefully squirrels himself away in a corner and watches me talk to other people but doesnt try and participate himself. theres that arrogant kind of shyness that i hate so much again. the expectation that the only kind of social interaction worth keeping up is if someone goes out of their way to engage with you and keeps doing so even if you arent engaging with them. im especially gregarious in most situations so i normally dont notice when people are treating me that way, but i dont like seeing it so close to home. we had a tiff recently because i started hanging out with o again where h actually did hurt me a little and it broke my heart. it took so much to get under his shell enough for him to admit why he was treating me so poorly and it really came to light hed benefit a lot from therapy i think. ive been having a not affair with my coworker where weve been spending sort of questionable time together, feels like romance but we dont ever touch. last time we went out really felt like a date which was nice but hes married so on some level we arent able to enjoy each others company too much. its been scratching an itch for me to have a lot of similarity and humor with someone again, and to learn new things about someone and argue with someone and play. last night he wasnt there at the show but i had such an incredible time talking with everyone and it scratched the very same itch...k came for a visit and i re-met some people from p's birthday party that i really enjoyed talking to. my heart felt so full seeing everyone and there felt like so much possibility before me. it felt like i was coming home to a village after being gone a long time. i dont want to go back where i was this year, i wanna go home to the dark pews and puppeteers and string instruments and laughter and stolen glances and what little magic this place has to offer. what a terrible year it was! i think ill start going to the honky tonk again and spending a lot more time with s and p and j. i really think the big thing missing for me was going to shows with people i like and just being in big group merriment in general. not sure how much longer things will go on with h, he hasnt been kissing me lately and i cant tell if its because i told him i needed space or because of something else. hes been kind of touchy though and the thing where each of you are being sarcastic is being taken seriously because theres something not being talked about under there is starting to happen a lot. i cant tell how much more lonely ill be if we break up. might be the same but probably much worse. i love h but i feel like i dont know where he is and feels very far away, and maybe has felt that way the whole time. i think i thought wed get along better by now. schools starting up again in one week so ill see what happens i guess. i feel ready for change though, in a much bigger and more settled way than i have all year. whatever comes will come and that will be that.
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kmr95 · 9 months
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in franks voice a good weird funny real human "hi you reached frank from the ymca" hah so one can dream but maybe but very slim chance since theres billions of real humans who wanna go to ivy league like alan tuing attended princeton so did einstein. ivy league might very small chance let me in for diversity since i am autistic or i have very high functiong asd or aspergers of course again well its difficult to tell since im close to neurotypical thankfully so I do wish autism or down syncdome wasnt veggatables sorry again if i offend anybody. I used to go to a autism summer cap in 2016 and i met real friendly humans and some of the counselors were from the uk. again real humans come and go in life so even real friends or relatives I don’t see often or never sen like my aunt myrtle or cousin barbara etc. cousin barbaras son has asd as well. Its sad though real friends like Irene befriend a fake ass mom of course so to more same old same old idiots who say i type analog silicon or digitized text walls well again you didnt take english class or attended prestigious schools like rutgers like frank did and you don't know what paragraphs look like obviously. i type paragraphs simply again not so long so i space them. again my real friend from the ymca frank beltane or frank stabile he told me about his nicknames before he died so he passed away but i will remember him for being a real friend a real human a good weird smart simple and funny. he studied sociology. oh course i will raise my adopted boy or fe"male" and call them frank ymca reid hah even before he died of course and raise them with physical verbal discipline and i will raise them of course again with eabos. Ill remain a virgin forever. in 2022 age 26-27 I realized a simple fact everything's always been old school.
alan turing went to the most prestigious school of course but was he being simple to think of eabos well no. he was an immigrant like ashley bernards parents again. ashley bernard she is great at math again like alan turing or charlie wills or abdul etc ashley bernard is mixed no accent she is tri lingual. I have only talked to her dad and messaged her relatives this month june or last month. I dont wanna talk to ashley right now because again nobody is special and eabos. I havent talked or messaged ashley bernard in like 5 months of course. last time i saw her in real life or analog was halloween 2022 again. you might know this refernence my name is ken "come on little bill" matthew reid or my long nickname rolls off tongue hah. i slapped kids in high school silly idiotic game and i snitched on one of the kids because well again I was a selfish idiot again thinking i was special and i was worried schools like rutgers or ivy league would judge me but you know things don't bother me as much anymore since knowing eabos and we all have something to hide as humans/ imperfect idiots again so i did do something sort of with dogs when i was 13 so i wont be vulgar again. my free will.
so anyway i hate bill cosby etc. of course so rape abortion to fe"males" is bad and inhumane. rape because you want a fe'male" or male so bad is still wrong but rape to be evil fake is really bad again. I feel yucky but again fe"male" humans are the weirdest human gender so its just how life is and it turns on most males in a good weird way and a bad weird way. when i was a teen or a minor i got motivated by a fe"male" deanna johnson in high school and i put a pic of her on my weight bar yuck and i had crush on brianna sanders from jack and jill group or nicki guerco in high school etc. so many real humans on earth overpopulated again overwheming a good and bad weird. it's also risky to drive and I have sped in my life before I knew eabos. I almost got killed riding my bike on the road in 2016 a bus almost hit me and my fake ass mom passed out while i was driving and she had injurys which i don't feel bad for of course. my ribs hurt and the air bags came out this happened in 2019 i could have died not be able to tell eabos obviously again. i am guilty of speeding on the turnpike or highway going over 100 to catch a flight in trenton but it was very late at night in 2018 and another time in 2018. some idiots in 2022 speed in the home life neighborhood like 100 mph like at glassworks my home life again. i have sped in my home life in freehold and in glassworks but like only 40 50 but it's still wrong. my real friend again elliott peyton told me twice about his real friend dying and he sped and drove far to the hospital. hopefully he was in great hands but sadly he died like frank. i wish my real friends got to meet my other real friends like frank from the ymca. so again obviously ill care what real humans and fake evil humans say analog silicon way or digitized me fighting fire with fire until you care. I will dismiss you not read or see what you care about. until you get or care what i say about eabos of course again.
#military #army #marines #navy #usa #worldwar2 #wwII #life #turing #chatgpt #reddit #twitch #tumblr #twitter #youtube #algorithm #google #tech #technology #callofduty #sports #comedy #fun #Princeton #ivyleague #marryville #ymca #frank #cancer
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the-kipsabian · 1 year
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hiya night. just wanted to stop by and say i’ve been thinking about you today. i miss you too. i know you’re having a rubbish time rn, it’s so rough and sucks so much and you absolutely don’t deserve this crushing weight on you. doesn’t matter what the sad chemicals in your brain try and tell you, you deserve better than this, and i wish there was something i could do to help. but you, me, all of us, are gonna pull through my bab. it’s gonna work out, it has to. love you, appreciate you, shaking your hand in Lifely Sufferings & Solidarity. it’s a shit old time, this life, and idk why i’m still around to be dead honest. but ppl like you makes it worth enduring, just that little bit extra, and maybe that’s all i need <3
sledge, my dear
ive been keeping this since last night and i kept coming back to it all day to just look at it and all the nice and heartfelt words on it
im not gonna lie, life is garbage right now, and theres not much i can do about it myself, for i am too tired most of the time to find joy in the little things, really. so seeing little reminders like this are extra special right now. i know youve been feeling it too, being the one thrusted with family drama and infighting is the absolute worst thing, and i really hope you can be free from that and the feelings it causes soon, cause you deserve nothing but the best things on this garbage space rock we are forced to live on
i love you. more than words can express. more than i can explain. i know these are just words im typing on my phone on the internet, but i need you to trust me; i mean them from the bottom of my tiny dark heart
i hope youre safe and having a nice break with some good, relaxing tea. i love you, and i hope you know it 💜
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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 years
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...
#i have demons battling it out in my brain#one says: nothing creative/fun can be designated as work#the other says: but literally u have to do these creative/fun things for work#idk why my brain is like: it is only work if u r suffering or doing something difficult#but its v stressful bc it means i do unfun things all day at normal hrs of the day (or avoid doing them)#and then spend the rest of my time doing the more fun stuff which stretches my 'work' time to strange long hrs#but if i do them at normal hrs i feel like im gonna die#its terrible. and ive got at least 12+ hours worth of fun stuff i have to do on the lab computer rn#so guess whose gonna be getting up at 4am multiple times this week assuming nothing else comes up#also i have to draw a thing#which is why im getting a headache bc ive spent so much time today messing with procreate and trying to figure out a style#and my brain is like: u r wasting time!!!! u need to be more productive#but i have to figure out how to use the app??? also its sunday#theres just so much to do and im being crushed by the weight of it all#my brain keeps doing that angry buzzing then while i run so fun times#i think im figuring out the digital art thing tho#and that means ill have to redraw a bunch of stuff i did for the lab bc it all looks trash now and the style is gonna be inconsistant#sigh... idk y i do this to myself but here we are#srry for being so ranty lately. ive been feeling not great so ive withdrawn from socalizing and thus have no outlet lol#unrelated#ah fuck i really need to work on manuscript stuff tho#okay: this week i will read a bunch of annoying photosynthesis papers or else. i will i will. writing progress will be made
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lemongogo · 6 years
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sujan stevens’ music always helps me feel better ,
lmk who some of your fav artists are (music or visual)
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boyywithluv · 3 years
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thepictureofsdr · 2 years
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I don’t know if you have done this before, but… I want to hear all your thoughts about Alastair? I finished COI like yesterday and I need content.
okay anon I really hope you follow me and you see this bc this ask has been sitting here for months and ive thought about it every day bc you're literally getting my thesis (seriously send me an ask if you see this I feel so bad that it took so long)
im just gonna start from the beginning because this boy is so just absolutely incredible. he's so strong willed and persevering but also so kind and caring? like this boy gave up his childhood to protect his little sister and mum and has never asked for anything in return, he's never once complained or used it as leverage or anything bad at all. hes just one of those people who's good for the sake of being good, similar to him following Thomas to make sure he was safe. no one would've known had Thomas not been caught. we have no clue how much this kind boy has done out of the goodness of his heart because he never tells anyone and never asks for anything in return. he just wants to help people and make sure everyone around him is okay. he's genuinely empathetic and he's so good at understanding people and he puts the effort in and he's just filled with so much love???
and thats what makes the academy so much more painful. its not like he was a natural bully. think about his childhood, this the boy who played with cordelia and taught her to fight and later protected her from every bad thing in the world. this is the boy who when left to his own devices in Paris just wanders off to movies and museums and just wants to sit down with a book and talk about it with someone. so imagine how crushed by guilt he is? like he's probably carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders 24/7 because he cant move on and forgive himself for the academy. and its not even like he's a Gideon figure who had to learn to be kind after escaping a bad situation, he was always instinctually kind, which means he's been feeling guilt since the bullying began and it wasn't even a choice on his part, it was the only option he saw after a year of bullying and taunting and being physically beaten and his breaking point was the reputation of his baby sister being put at risk. its not like he wanted to do this or was raised to think it was right, he felt forced to do something he knew was wrong, to do something he never wanted to do and still hates himself for.
and the most painful part of it all is that he thinks thats him. he believes he's bad, he thinks he's this cruel bully who has to change and apologize and grow, he thinks he's this cracked mangled warped excuse for a human being when in reality he's still that kind person who empathizes with people and adores art. but he cant see that. and he continues to punish himself, and push people away, and convince himself he isn't worth anything. the second he's allowed to be himself, he returns to his natural state of love but he cant see that and sometimes I just wanna shove myself into the book and hug him and remind him that he's a genuinely good person and that he doesn't need to change because he never was and never will be the bad person he thinks he is he just has to learn how to live with freedom. theres something so beautiful about how he's been surrounded by hatred his whole life yet he hasn't really let it touch him. he's still willing to let people in through his hundreds of walls (for their sake, not because he thinks he deserves love, but because they need help) and he hasn't become some cynical pessimist, he still has love and hope and appreciation for the beauty around him and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
also I see a lot of people say he isn't caring or kind which is so? like yes he's snappish and blunt sometimes but kindness doesn't only exist in the form of cuddly and warm people, anyone can be caring no matter their disposition.
and I personally think he's one of the most tragic characters in this universe. because he's been alone the entire time. he has no friends, and the "friend group" everyone seems to think he has are the boys he aligned himself with out of desperation so they wouldn't topple his delicate family or beat him to bruises everyday. his father was 90% of his problems, his mother was emotionally absent, and you cant have a camaraderie with the person you're trying to protect, its not like he could confide in cordelia when the things he needed to talk about were the things he wanted to keep from her. and then we add on his one relationship which was toxic to the point of genuine trauma. he's had absolutely no support system for every single hard part of his life. he hasn't had a single person be there for him just for the sake of caring for him. he's had to face his alcoholic father, his bullying, his abuse, becoming a bully and despising the person he sees in the mirror, he's had to face every single hardship alone. he's had to stay afloat with no life raft, no hand of help, absolutely nothing. he had one stable friendship, Thomas, and that ended in tears IN PUBLIC (thanks for that one Matthew)
and even after all the effort he's put in to show progress and show change he's turned away time after time, being told that his apologies are worthless and his progress means nothing. and what does he do with that? he keeps trying. he continues to improve himself, continues to do good because that just who he is. he's someone who wants good.
I also dont think we talk enough about he's never experienced healthy love??? like can someone please help this boy? abusive father, absent mother = no idea what healthy parents look like. took over as a parental figure = no idea what a healthy sibling relationship looks like. parents had an extremely unhealthy marriage = no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. constantly moved around and was bullied at the academy = no idea what a healthy friendship looks like. also he probably had to leave so many potential close relationships every time they moved he's only just beginning to experience permanence. this poor boy has never experienced unconditional unselfish love in his life. he has no idea what its like to be able to depend on someone, he has no idea what its like to be loved for existing, no idea what its like to receive without expectation of return. he literally doesn't know what its like to be loved how fucking sad is that. he's never had someone be there for him and care and love him and want him to be happy LIKE WHAT THE FUCK???
every single person in this universe of books has had SOMEONE, a lover, a parabatai, a parent, literally at least one figure of reliability and affection and alastair is just out here braving one of the most tragic lives ive ever read ALONE.
but the fact that he's healing and he's dyed his hair back and broke off contact with ch*rles and began to confide in cordelia and actually had coherent emotional conversation with Thomas?? he's slowly moving on and healing and im so proud of him because he's so strong and he hasn't let any of the literal trauma mill events of his life break him or turn him into someone cruel and spiteful god he's just so GOOD. also the parents are gonna fucking love him I just know it will is gonna drag him into book debates and Gideon is gonna resurrect Elias so he can kill the bastard himself its gonna be great. also alastair is gonna be besties with lucie and Christopher just calling it now.
and I just wanna add in how smart he is?? like he's fluent in multiple languages, well read and written in them as well, he has opinions on high art and watches movies and reads the newspaper and brings a book with him everywhere and he plays the piano and he sings and he's interested in true crime and he's well educated and he understands / gets involved in politics and he's a good fighter and he's good with runes and he understands emotions and seems to have a basic understanding of psychology and he's interested in science LIKE WHAT CANT HE DO??!! also Im just in the mood to hype my boy up lets not forget that he's attractive and elegant and even Matthew of all people complimented his eyebrows.
im honestly not sure how to wrap this up and if I remember I have more to say I WILL come back and edit it, this is just all I can think of for the moment. in conclusion I love this boy so fucking much he is my WORLD and im sorry if this is too much but you said all and I adore him to the world and back and thank you for prompting me to ramble this literally took half an hour
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thesolotomyhan · 3 years
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being pregnant with miguel angel felix gallardo’s kid but leaving him would include
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a/n: the way i went full 180 and wrote this because i LIVE for angst and im here to share my pain with you all,, also! this came out as a preggo hc but it follows up with the angst- um i hope you all enjoy my mess
Taglist: @ fandomnerd16  @visintaes @sheeshgivemeabreak @artemiseamoon @ all-tings-diego
let me know if you want to be tagged!
tODO POR TU CULPA ANON IM CRYING BEFORE I EVEN BEGIN-
i just need to say this to mend my broken heart but,, can you imagine miguel angel being so fucking elated the day you tell him you’re pregnant-
like im imagining you surprising him with this neatly wrapped box you give him once he comes home,,
your nervous form standing there when he gives you that stupid laugh when he picks up the box like, “whats this, amor?”
just- his smile getting bigger as he starts to unwrap the box,, pulling out this onesie you put in there-
and there’s this shine in his eyes as he holds it up,, looking at you with so much adoration,,
“estas- embarazada, tesoro?” I SOB because i know nothing feels better than to hear from you,, his dama, is pregnant with his kid, :((
and just him walking up to you,, kissing your forehead as his hands caress your stomach, lightly laughing into your hair- i :(
ok but i can feel it in me that since day one,, he would have you never leave the house no matter what because he doesnt want you out and about without him there cuidandote,,
he just gets low key worried because he doesn’t want you to get hurt while he’s working, and not be there for you right away,, so i know he would have someone with you at all times
like personal maids to do anything you ever need because he doesnt want you touching one plate or moving one foot-
he just w o r r i e s about you putting strength in anything that could harm the baby even if youve only been pregnant for a month-
se preocupa el cabron
and also him doubling security just for the sake of something ever happening,, i just- he doesn’t want absolutamente NADA que te pase ok :(
i cant- hes always telling you that you can call him whenever you need to if you want from the littlest problem to the biggest-
“por cualquier cosa, no importa la hora, you call me first, mi amor, tu eres lo mas importante para mi” -
hes just trying his hardest to be as supportive as he can for you,, im tearing up
also someone PLEASE tell me im not the only one that imagines him sitting down on a couch and having you either sitting on his lap or curled into him-
him caressing your hair and kissing the top of your head,, his hand intertwined with yours thats sitting on your stomach-
like its such a soft fucking moment that he cherishes and just looks forward to the day when he imagines holding your baby in his arms- i :((
and i can see him being the type to bring you all and every snack/food he sees on the street on his way home for you to have,,
just the way he’ll come home to you,, fresh pan dulce in his hand or ice cream as he walks up to you,, smile on his face when he leans down to kiss you-
“te traje algo para ti y el niño, amor” and his hand rubbing your stomach -i cannot handle this right now,,
god, he would also be the one to always have you sleeping on his chest,, wanting to be as close to you and his bebe when he falls asleep,,
but also him staring at the ceiling,, thinking of names he likes for your baby,, and just him blurting them out randomly when he really likes one,
i cant-and the little smile on his face when he hears you softly giggle into his chest,, sleepily telling him if you like that name or not- im crying i wow-
ok now listen,, -i want you to imagine with me somewhere at the point of your pregnancy where you find out the gender of your baby ok-
i can imagine you wouldnt have told miguel about you going to the doctors maybe because you wanted to surprise him or maybe it just crossed your mind and you forgot to tell him-
but whatever the reason,, you wouldve wanted to give him the news at his office at hotel americas because youre too excited to wait until later to tell him,,
and i just imagine you carrying this first ever picture in your hand of your baby, this smile on your face as you head up,, i
but right when you round the corner down to his office, you bump into this lady, still trying to button her shirt up, adjusting her outfit and not even acknowledging you as she walks all giggly away from you-
and from this point,, you already know something isnt right even tho you want to so badly brush it off, you cant,
not when you look down the hall where miguels office door was left open-
god, just the nagging tension pulling on your shoulder every time you take a step closer to his door,,
and the moment you push the door open,, its like a weight was dropped on your heart because there miguel stands, right behind his desk, adjusting the collar of his shirt, his hair all messed up and sticking out everywhere-
just- the whole world feeling like it stopped when he looks up at you, standing there in the doorway,, looking at him with so much resentment in your eyes because you fucking know what happen ed when everything clicked for you- i
“mija, que haces aqui? you should be at home, resting-” and like just the way hes trying to play it off like you didnt just catch him angers you even more, your tense form looking at him and teeth gritting- 
“who was that vieja, miguel?”
and just woW him giving you that fucking scoff he does as he smiles at you, moving to start walking up to you,,
“que vieja, mijita?”
i- and the way you give him this dry laugh,, not even noticing your hand starting to crumble the picture in your hand- “no soy pendeja miguel, diME quien era esa mujer” your voice starting to slowly crack,, your eyes filling with angry tears as you back away from him-
i fucking CRY at the thought of desperate miguel trying to hold your arms and calm you down,, and just holding your body against his when you start to struggle out of his hold,, his voice rising to get you to calm down when you start to hit his chest like- como pudiste? after everything we’ve been through, me enganas, como nada-?”
i just- his hands trying to stop you from pushing him away and get ahold of you- “BASTA mija, ella no es nada para mi, let me fix this, tu eres la mejor cosa para mi” i- and him looking at you todo perdido when you push him away angrily,, wanting to get as much space away from him
and theres this tense ass moment where you can barely even look at him through your eyes,, taking a shaky breath like- “cuantas mas hay,,,, dime la verdad-”
but-  ,just him looking down, silent becasue he cant bring himself to lie to you again,, not with they way he can feel his heart in his throat if he even tries to- “dejame arreglar esto, profavor mi amor, i never wanted to hurt you”
i cant- just the way he can see your heart break further when he looks at you,, hurting the one person he promised to never destroy,, 
and his own feeling like it fucking shatters as he watches you toss your ring at him,, your words further crushing him - “nunca pense que llegaria el dia en que te dijera that i dont love you anymore after what you did”-
and just, your muffled cries struggling to leave your mouth as you turn around,, not even noticing when the crumpled picture of your baby falls to the floor-
your legs moving without even thinking towards his door,, not once glancing back at him when he tries to call out your name as you slam the door behind you- i 
THIS IS YOUR FAULT ANON
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