#theres defiance in not letting the hurt hurt you anymore
Note
choosing to believe they're doing a fake-breakup. it wouldnt make sense for their characters but neither does a real one so
ok anon after sleeping on it and finally doing my rewatch (which hurt A LOT, just as much as the first time), ive gotta say i rlly dont know. the preview leaves a lot to be interpreted. everything could be taken at face value and equally be explained away so its a preview i cant really dig into bc i feel like its intention is to send us spiralling into madness.
what i can do is try and gauge the story they're trying to tell knowing now what we got from ep 11 and certain things that'll be said and things we'll see in ep 12. my instant response to that preview upon first watch was what?? no?? thats not it, its not happening, it cant be real. this is all a ruse, its a joke, its fake. but upon my rewatch, contextualising everything through a new lens knowing whats in that preview, i can see the narrative threads coming together. i dont exactly know how to put it into words at the moment bc its all still v fresh and raw, but its like... i see both resignation and defiance if that makes sense??? i see an acknowledgement and acceptance of all the facts plain and simple, both those that are wonderful and beautiful and those that are unfair and hurtful. them running away was always a break to process, never a solution, and thats what they have to do. they have to take it all in and slowly over the ep i do see a coming to terms. but they also come to terms with the extent of their love and commitment.
i've watched some scenes a couple of times, mainly the kiss and the scenes in the bed (not to objectify but bc i think they're honestly beautiful and resonated with me a lot), and upon multiple watches i saw them differently every time. i see it first as what it is simply, an act to reaffirm and express their love. but then i see it as a stolen moment to be that close before everything is torn away. then i see it as as an act of defiance, as in no matter what the world tries to take from them they cant change the fact they've had that, been that close, been together. then i see it as vulnerability, them being in a place, an environment that feels safe for them, being with a person they can trust whole heartedly to bare their soul to. and its a lot more things and i dont know what it meant to them, if it was none of these or all of these, but i guess what im trying to say is that this ep wasn't simply an ode to a relationship destined to be lost. in bittersweetness there's also kind of rebellion, bc bittersweet moments are made when you know you shouldnt do something but do it anyway. in this ep in all its emotional moments i see unbreakable and unparalleled strength. and you can predict from that what you like. you can believe that means they will not break up, they have a plan, they will not let the world separate them again. or you can believe that they break up but that strength will live on and be the life force that pulls them towards the inevitability of them coming back together. im not in the headspace for prediction, but the fact i can see that strength still is enough for me.
and to get back to your ask, i think i ultimately dont know what i 'choose' to believe. a fake break up almost feels too much like a punch in the face, like i dont want this to be solved with more lies and deceit, especially not from pat and pran who have always had that forced on them and vehemently tried to reject it. and it feels like a cop out to have such an emotionally heavy ep and leave us with those crumbs to have it be fake. i know they like to mislead and play us with previews sometimes, but we're at a place where i don't want to play games, not with this much at stake. so i believe its real, bc as much as that hurts, i can see it. i said before id accept a break up if it made narrative sense. and after ep 10 it didnt make narrative sense to me, but i think that was my optimism talking. i believed in that moment that these two boys wanted to take on the world and fight it, but the enemy has always felt too big. its like they saw the monster in the distance and felt strong enough to fight it, but when you're right in front of it and its 10x bigger than you and you're faced with something that feels insurmountable, i just... i dont want them to be blamed for being weak. not everyone can take everything on. theyve both had the weight of the world thrust upon their shoulders for too long and being together only makes the weight heavier in some ways, bc you want to carry it for that other person even if it crushes you. thats a horrid truth, and at some point exhaustion kicks in and you just have to remove yourself. you have to see the world beyond those two houses on that street and realise yes there's places we could be together but that life is more complicated than that, and beyond those houses is also university and work and friends and family and everything else.
thats the thing about love, and specifically pat and pran's love. its always been so self contained for them, and that amplifies that feeling of it being the be all and end all, the feeling its the most important feeling in the world. but from the outside you can never know what its like on the inside. you look at other's love as something simple, small, just another facet of life. we've been allowed inside and we see it for how huge it feels for them, and thats why its hard for us to reconcile with the fact that now they're letting it go for something else. happiness should not have to come at the expense of pain, but sometimes it does, so what do you do?? what do you do when all options lead to hurt?? when the world feels so hostile to everything you are and wanna be, whats the step forward?? whats the sacrifice you have to make?? i think that sacrifice is time. they dont want to sacrifice people, their families or each other, so they sacrifice time, with a belief that time is enough to fix, time can mend, time can reunite as it has before and when it comes, that the best way to defy the world is to not look back on the time lost, but the time you have ahead, where finally the brightness of the future can shine.
(sos this was soooo ranty but this is the first times im putting my thoughts into words and theyre very messy and emotionally charged and my head and heart are fistfighting but yeah... its a lot)
#bad buddy#i apologise to all anons in my inbox replies will be messy and emotionally charged#im just trying to process this in my own way#and come to terms with what i actually think and not what others are thinking#and it might just be me as a person as someone who hasnt been hurt a lot to want to see beauty in heartbreak#tragedy is sometimes an inevitability#but if you wanna take anything away from the ep#take away the uncle's words#it tried to change pat and pran but no matter what the fundamentals of them and their truths are immoveable#they have come away with a sense of self that is now stronger#and maybe strong enough to deal with the hurt#theres defiance in not letting the hurt hurt you anymore#and pat and pran will always choose to defy in their small ways even if they cant say fuck it to everything#as long as they hold on to that#there's resolution that this is only temporary#and that one day the world will feel small enough to conquer#made by jemmo
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it started slow
a/n: im alive! for now! im getting my shit together again so i SHOULD be a little more regular with my writing inshallah. also, i think at this point yall should know that if you send a request, theres a 90% chance itll turn into a oneshot and,,,,,, im not sorry 🤷🏻♀️
Request: Bonjour, love I was wondering if you can do a Natasha X reader, where they get into a big fight because Nat has been spending more time with Carol, And after their fight the reader leaves, and Natasha's mad but Carol tells her that she has been spending way to much time with her. But can it have a good ending. Thank you
Word Count: 2231
Warnings: none
Pairing: Natasha x Reader
It started off with training.
Everyone trained with each other, it was nothing new. Sometimes you would train with Nat and sometimes you wouldn’t, it was just the luck of the draw. It wouldn’t hurt your feelings because at the end of the day, you were still a professional. Maybe you preferred training with Nat, but you weren’t unreasonable.
But the amount of times Nat “happened” to get paired with Carol for training was suspicious.
You had brought it up to her one night at dinner. Just a simple “you’ve been training with Carol a lot lately.” You weren’t trying to stir shit, but maybe you had sounded a little too accusing. But Nat just brushed it off, said it was on Fury’s orders. And who were you to argue against Fury? So what if Nat was training with Carol every morning, maybe it was for the best.
Then it carried on into the afternoons.
You would never tell Nat not to hang out with other people. Past experience had led you down that rabbit hole and there was no way on hell you would do that to someone else. Besides, you were ecstatic that Nat had other people to hang out with because she needed some fun in her life.
So Nat would end up going to lunch with Carol almost every other day, and you would send Nat a quick smile and tell her to have fun. Maybe those lunches went long sometimes and you wouldn’t see Nat again until the evenings. It was fine. It just meant she was having fun, right? Sure, it was taking away some of the only free time you two had, but it was fine.
But then it continued into the evenings and that was the last straw.
Sometimes Nat wouldn’t come back until ungodly hours of the night, or she wouldn’t even come back at all. You weren’t going to accuse her of cheating because, first and foremost, you trusted her with everything in your being. But it still hurt that she was spending her rare free time with someone that wasn’t you.
Now, you didn’t think yourself an unreasonable person. You didn’t think yourself a controlling person either. All of you had jobs to do, and if you weren’t a cohesive unit then things were going to go wrong. That was how the job had always been, and it wouldn’t change. That being said, you didn’t think it was such an awful thing to miss your girlfriend.
So when Nat came home at 3:34am (because you were both supposed to have a night in), you weren’t in the mood to compromise.
“It’s late,” Nat had said when she noticed you sitting at the kitchen table, four empty coffee cups scattered around you and another in your hands.
“Wasn’t sure you’d noticed,” you said, barely louder than a whisper.
“Why are you still up?” Nat asked as she took her boots off and hung up her coat. Like she hadn’t been gone all day and missed another date night.
“I was supposed to have a movie night with my girlfriend,” you said a little louder, “maybe you know where she was.”
Nat froze for the smallest fraction of a moment. If you hadn’t known her for as long as you had, you wouldn’t have even noticed it. Maybe you shouldn’t have noticed it. You should have just ignored it and let Nat lie her way out of whatever was going on because it would be easier. And just as quickly as it had happened, it ended.
“She was with Carol,” she said simply before leaning against the counter that she had moved to.
“What a surprise.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re always with Carol.”
“I am not,” Nat defended, and you could see the defiance in her eyes. The belief that she was right and there was no possibility of her being wrong. A look you absolutely adored when it wasn’t directed at you.
You didn’t want to get mad. Your whole life had consisted of keeping your cool in these tense moments. It should have been easy to stay calm under pressure. But the way Nat stood with her arms crossed defensively over her chest and the way she tried to appear nonchalant in her stance pissed you off. How could she not see it?
Did she think you were blind?
“When was the last time we had a lunch date?” You asked with a raised brow.
“Last week,” Nat shrugged.
“Two months ago,” you corrected.
“Then I’ll take you tomorrow.”
“I’m going on a mission tomorrow,” you shot back, your voice raised just enough to send a message. “You would know if you weren’t always with Carol.”
“What do you have against her?”
“Nothing!” You finally shouted as you shoved your chair back and stood up. “I have nothing against Carol! You deserve friends and people that love to spend time with you! But I have everything against you treating me like your second choice.”
Nat opened her mouth to argue, but you shot her a look that shut her up.
“I don’t care how often you hang out with friends, because it’s important,” you reiterated, “but I will not be second best in my own goddamn relationship.”
Nat continued to stare with that unreadable expression that you still had yet to understand. And it didn’t make you mad like you thought it would, no. No, actually, it made you sad. Sad because after telling your girlfriend that you felt like second best, she had nothing to say. She didn’t bat an eye.
And you couldn’t argue with that, could you?
No, you couldn’t. So you walked past Nat, grabbed your coat and keys, and left.
----------
Natasha didn’t move from her spot for almost 10 minutes after you left the Compound apartment. She hadn’t considered it “storming out,” but you had certainly left in a hurry. And right after you had shut the door the gears in her brain had started turning. You were wrong, she hadn’t treated you as second best.
Right?
No, of course she hadn’t.
Had she?
With a frustrated sigh, Natasha turned and grabbed her coat and left, making her way to the gym. If the past had taught her anything, Carol would still be there. Which would be great because then they could work out some anger and maybe even get a bit of advice. Not that Carol was good with relationship advice, but who else could Natasha ask?
I don’t treat you as second best, we do things all the time, Natasha thought as she walked down the sidewalk, hands shoved into the pockets of her coat.
I always come home to you, isn’t that enough? She crossed the street without looking, knowing that the cars would screech to a halt if need be.
There’s no way it’s been two months since our last lunch date. The coffee shop you both frequented passed by without so much as a glance from Natasha.
If I really treated you so bad, why didn’t you tell me sooner?
The doors to the gym posed no obstacle as Natasha shouldered them open and trudged inside. She had started the walk with a mission, a dedication to work out her frustration, but now that she had made it to her destination… now her chest felt constricted.
“Didn’t you go home?”
Natasha looked up from the hole she had subconsciously been staring into the floor and saw Carol wiping the nonexistent sweat from her neck. She had been training with Danvers long enough to know it was almost impossible for her to sweat. Damn enhancements.
“Had too much energy,” Natasha said as she shrugged her coat off and dropped it onto a bench.
“You sure?” Carol asked, an uncharacteristic uncertainty in her voice. But Natasha still didn’t turn around and instead worked on wrapping her wrists.
“Absolutely. On the mat, Danvers.”
She didn’t look up, knowing that Carol would meet her on the mat even if she wasn’t really sure about it. But they both met in the middle and Natasha finally looked up to see a look in Carol’s eyes. A look that Natasha knew meant Carol was not happy with her. But she knew there was no chance she would actually be called out on it.
With that being said, the both of them started sparring.
Something was off with the way Carol was fighting though, and no matter how much Natasha goaded her, it didn’t change. All she wanted was to get hit so hard that she could try to make sense of what you had said to her earlier. Maybe if Carol knocked her senseless then your argument would be logical.
“Nat,” Carol said after a lull, “go home.”
“A few more rounds,” Natasha shrugged before going at Carol again.
Only Carol took it seriously this time.
Now, Natasha was a master at hand-to-hand combat, there was no question about it. But when compared to the power of an infinity stone? It wasn’t fair; still surprising though. So when Natasha was slammed down onto the mat with Carol’s knee pressing against her chest, she was shocked.
And pissed.
“The fuck, Danvers?”
“You’re never home anymore,” Carol accused as she leaned down to be closer to Natasha’s face. “Go home.”
“It’s fine,” she shot back before trying to push Carol’s knee off. But she wasn’t kidding around and was using all her power to force Natasha to listen.
“When was the last time you took Y/N on a date?”
“None of your business,” Natasha said, but her heart started racing at the question.
“You’re always with me,” Carol accused again. “You need to go home.”
“Y/N’s not even at home,” Natasha admitted, shocking the both of them. “So what’s the point?”
The look Carol gave her was almost insulting. But she removed her knee nonetheless and helped her up to her feet. And the look she continued to receive forced Natasha to face things she didn’t want to because if Carol was giving her that look, then the odds of Natasha being wrong were… pretty high.
“Go home and wait,” Carol said with a pitied smile. “Trust me.”
And with that, Carol left. Didn’t even wait for Natasha to give confirmation that she would listen to the advice, but she didn’t need to. They both knew Natasha would listen because, if she were being honest with herself, Carol had managed to stay with Maria for years.
Maybe the air force had been good for something.
----------
It was weird to come home after so long apart. You and Nat would separate because of missions, obviously, but this… this was different. You hadn’t parted with a kiss and a warning to be careful. It was silence and fear and frustration all balled up in your stomach, and the distance had only made it worse.
You shouldn’t have been gone for so long, but you were too upset. Right after you had left and gotten back from your mission, you had called Fury to tell him you would be gone for a few weeks and that you needed space. Of course he had listened, but part of you had wished he would have made you stay. If you had stayed, you would have been able to force Nat to talk to you.
Because she was wrong and she needed to know, her pride be damned.
But after five weeks of a mission and cooling off, no one had called and instead of giving you time to calm down, it just made you more upset. So that was what led to you putting your key in the lock to your apartment once again. Part of you hoped Nat was in there.
The other part hoped she wasn’t.
“Oh thank god.”
A pair of arms wrapped around your waist the moment you opened the apartment door. The force of the collision was almost enough to knock you off your feet, but you managed to keep your footing. And just like that, with those familiar arms wrapped around you, your heart felt like it was home again.
“You were right,” Nat said quickly once you wrapped your arms around her shoulders in return. “You were right and I’m sorry.”
You pulled back just enough to be able to look her in the eyes. After so long together, you would know if she was telling the truth based on the look in her eyes. There was nothing but regret, sorrow, maybe a bit of fear. But most importantly, you saw truth.
“How long did it take you to admit that to yourself?” You asked her with a raised brow.
“I-,” she paused, her eyes flickering between yours. “A few hours.”
“That quickly?”
“Carol beat it into me,” Nat admitted, and your facade finally broke.
“You’re an idiot,” you chuckled before leaning down and leaving a light kiss on her lips.
“Your idiot,” she mumbled against your lips before moving forward for another kiss, this one deeper than the first.
You know you both needed to talk about it. A kiss and an “I’m sorry” wouldn’t be all it took, especially if there wasn’t a real understanding of what had gone wrong. But you could talk about it in the morning.
Right now, you needed to feel home again.
#requests#natasha romanoff#natasha romanoff x reader#natasha x reader#black widow#black widow x reader#black widow imagine#natasha romanoff imagine#marvel#marvel x reader#marvel imagine#my writing
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Emotions
Do you ever feel like... Things are so great but theres this one part of your life you wish you could change so that you could be more confident in yourself?
Fair warning: If you're my sister this might hurt you. So read at your own risk.
I do. Its like this small splinter that I just can't block out anymore.
When I was younger, I had none of my mother's attention. I was basically an outcast in my own family. There was even a time where my own sister called me a "mistake" which my mother quickly rejected the thought. Getting upset at my sister who said it.
But Deep inside I was hurt, because I even thought of that. But I couldn't tell my mom that at the time. I was so quiet, I never asked for money to go to sports events. Even though I wanted to.
I always did most of the chores, and sometimes ended up staying home alone. Because my sister... Well she had depression and she was trying to recover.
Me on the other hand, I was the completely stable kid. Only slight behavioral issues. Some lying and some defiance, but in the end I was still a good kid.
I usually confided in my mom's fiancee, who I considered my dad. I trusted him and he made good out of that trust. Teaching me about life and such. I felt like I belonged, but it was still hurting.
I wanted my mom back in my life, but it was always about my big sister... I get my sister has issues, but now I'm scared to even do anything.
On my sister's graduation, I decided to tell my sister what sort of dress I wanted to wear. It was the cutest thing, and I loved it. I felt excited! I was going to be feminine for once!
nope. My sister convinces me to be matching with her, and we get one pieces. Along with sunflower bracelets.
I'm standing there accepting it, looking in the mirror. I looked good, but I was hurt. My heart was hurting because I voiced it. I said what I wanted to wear, but I couldn't push back to say. HEY! I wanna do this!
Now I'm just a confused gal trying to making past the next marker and survive. Yeah, I don't have depression. But I have anxiety in a different form. I don't have panic attacks, I just randomly start biting my nails or I start to pick my face. If theres a pimple, I pop it.
I try to stop myself, and recently I've been able to avoid overall my face. My nails however...
Theres been alot of people telling me to get a nail polish for it, but thats not the solution I want. I want to feel like I dont need to bite my nails, I want to feel comfortable. But I'm still nervous.
My sister's left the house, but there are times where I'm scared that my mother. Who I have an amazing relationship with now, will leave me again. Then run off and push her own body to satisfy my sister's wants.
Again, I said "Wants". Everything's been about what my sister wants. She doesn't want to do anything. I have to do everything.
Chores are too much for her, I have to do them all.
There was even a point in time where I was in my room, peacefully resting. Suddenly my dad bursts into the door, telling me the floors flooded with water. I yell back that my sister had done the dishes today(for once). She had forgotten to turn the water off afterwards.
After that incident, I usually did the dishes. I had to make sure I get them done in the mornings before I went to school too. And to do that I woke up at 5-6 am. Got ready, all dressed and packed up. Then I went onto the bus at 7-7:30.
I was a tired kid, but I managed to get pretty good grades in all my classes. But for some reason, my sister didn't get very good grades. Which confused me, what was she spending all her time on?
Oh. Friends. That's what. So I was mostly on my own since I never felt like I belonged in a certain group. So I just... Walked away, Idk why im saying all this in a tumblr post. Maybe its because I secretly want my sister to see how bad I was hurt.
How badly I was affected... I have a part of me that blames her for alot of things. Small little splinters that slowly sunk in.
My discomfort for the color yellowish-green. (it was a nice shirt too... Ended up giving it
to her.)
My concern over money. (She'd always end up going everywhere and I got concerned if my mom could afford it, so I just didn't go.)
My fear of being hurt by people. (She'd say things like this person has a bad aura, when in reality this person just looked suspicious.)
The fact that I don't have much hobbies since me and her had similar interests. (I always felt like I was her shadow, and when I started to get into things, she just went like "Oh... ok bye!")
The sheer lack of attention I got.
She was always hogging my mom's attention. Leaving me all alone and I barely knew anything about my mom. At one point my dad told me to go get a gift for my mom. I didn't know what to get. I was crying so hard because this wasn't my fault.
After that, my dad apologized to me. Same with my mom, they both apologized. Then alot of crazy stuff happened including her moving out.
(the moving out part I want to keep seperate.)
I learned about my mom, about everything she likes. She saw how little she knew about me as well, and pretty soon she felt guilt as well.
How could she tell me to get her something, when she knew nothing about me.
For my 12th birthday I asked for rollerskates. We went to ripleys aquarium, and I was throughly enjoying myself. We saw the shrimp and the jellyfish. All the creatures in the sea was so fun to see... But then....
On my birthday- My sister suddenly says that she's anxious. (too many people around for her). Of course, I'm considerate but sometimes I wish I just put my foot down and said **"No! I wanna stay longer!"** But of course, I was the good kid.
So hey! Yeah, I felt all this. So a part of me hates you, but I still care about you. You're my sister, but did you ever really... Love me?
Thats my question for you. Instead of crying, I want you to really think. Whenever you gave me something, was it really something that made me happy? Or was it something that made only you happy?
Because the more I think of the past, the more I remember the times when I fake smiled. Following in your footsteps because you were always talking about your own issues when in reality you should've only spoken to a therapist like I did.
When shit got rough in school, I saw a therapist. I talked about my issues, there were even times when I just asked if I could have a nap or eat some lunch. It was the best place to just unwind.
-AH! another thing that confused the fuck outta me.
A really fricking nice teacher spent lots of money on you, gave you a place to hang out at during lunchtime. Was supportive even outside of school.
Then suddenly you say "No I didn't like them.."
**WHAT? THEY HELPED SO MUCH AND YOU SAY THAT?? IM SO CONFUSED?**
I loved that teacher btw, they were very supportive and always set up academic bowl and were really supportive. There was this one time I got sick on a trip, then when I finally got home. I got much better.
But that teacher kept checking on me, and making sure I had some food into me as I shivered from my illness.
That teacher was the best, and they were always really huggy and comfortable. They are a taurus so it makes sense they had this motherly feel around them.
Anyways- thats my piece for today. I just really needed to let this out.
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