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#there's a fight at the haligtree burial grounds (crack)
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I just started inpatient work today, so I don’t have the energy to say anything but this: Malenia is 99.9999% a lesbian, but if she were to ever get with a guy, it would not be what the average Tarnished OC writer thinks she would go for. You know the type: super buff and sexy; can beat her without breaking a sweat; swoops in to fix all of her problems because obviously he knows better, since he’s on NG+12.
You know the only type of guy Malenia would ever possibly go for? The fantasy equivalent of Clark from Connecticut.
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Malenia waking up and very slowly preparing to fight the Tarnished in her cutscene is the equivalent of gurgling in annoyance when your alarm wakes you up in the morning, rolling around for five minutes as you try and fail to go back to sleep, and stretching your body to the point of screaming before you drag your sleepy ass out of bed.
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Here’s a headcanon that’s both crack and semi-serious: If Malenia were to become friends with the Tarnished, so long as they don’t harm herself, her brother, or the Haligtree, she’d basically be the equivalent of a very tired but supportive aunt.
She’d sigh at their antics and put out their metaphorical and figurative fires before going back to bed. They’d bring her random shiny rocks like a magpie and she’s just be like ‘IDK what I’m gonna do with these’, but sets them on her nightstand regardless. If they need help with a boss, they’d grumble, but she’d grab her sword and trudge along so long as Miquella was safe and guarded. She’d support their seemingly endless lust for Morgott while also asking them to please kindly stop staring up his robes, because that’s very rude and also borders on harassment (and also you can’t see anything because he’s furry, so what’s the point?).
Basically, she’s a soccer mom that hates soccer but shows up to your games anyway, with love in her heart but vodka mixed with lemonade in her thermos.
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Malenia watching all the Godrick thirst on her dash be like: “ Curious. Is this the kind of man that straight women like? Simpering, pathetic, and felled by a weak breeze?”
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Malenia be like: “ Okay, so who’s going to tell Varre that Rogier is pregnant with Mohg’s child, and can I be present to see his reaction?”
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Miquella’s classical education briefly makes an appearance as he plays an impossibly tiny violin in Varre’s honor.
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Conversation
Malenia, watching the big baby-and-brother-murder-drama unfolding on the dash: Children, canst thou not lighten up a little?
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△ Malenia: How good are you in bed?
(Send me a △ and ask a really invasive question aimed at my character)
Malenia immediately punches you in the face with her sword hand and steals your pocket change while you curl upon the ground, whining and holding your bloody nose. " Seven." She says flatly, kicking you in the side for good measure before walking off.
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Malenia steps on a Lego brick.
Since both of her feet are artificial, she feels nothing, and her boss fight continues as normal. She then gathers the bricks and uses them to build a tiny Divine Tower, which she gifts to Miquella after he wakes up from his latest growth nap.
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Malenia doesn’t know why she had to be the one to tell Mei that kindness, respect, and reassurance were all she needed to seduce Morgott, but eh. So long as it all worked out. Maybe she’s not so bad at relationship advice after all.
Kind of ironic, considering it took far too long for her to realize Finlay had feelings for her...
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Anyone who is suffering from an unreasonable and inexplicable desire to simp for the Dung Eater is now entitled to a free cookbook from Malenia. She has a whole stack of them in her boss room and is sitting on her throne with her arms crossed and an unusually stern expression on her face.
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@blccdrose replied to your post “Miquella’s classical education briefly makes an...”:
I bring you juice you fucking crispy ass cornhusk
Should Miquella tell him that the ‘crispy-ass cornhusk’ was just a protective flesh covering while he grew inside? Nah. It was more fun to let Varre think he was some twenty-meter tall, organic alabaster lord.
Instead, Miquella puts away the first violin, pulls out an even SMALLER one, and starts to play a jaunty tune.
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Send “strip!” to Malenia to have her punch you in the face with her metal arm and then steal your pocket money while you writhe on the ground.
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flex with me girl.
Malenia just smirks and flexes her flesh and blood left arm. It's clear that she doesn't use having only one as an excuse to skip upper body day.
(Finlay, meanwhile, swoons in the back while going 'OOOOH MISS MALENIA OOOOH'.)
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