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#there was a time in my life where i told myself i could never work a desk job
m4tthewsgf · 14 hours
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Moonlight (prologue)
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Pairing: Matt Sturniolo x y/n
A story where a boy who is terrified of love lays his eyes on a girl who's determined to save everyone else, but herself.
Warnings: slight cursing and mention of blood
Author's note: it's been a while since I've written something so this is actually quite exciting. this prologue is detrimental to the story, so pls do not skip it!!!!
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“John, come on! We're gonna miss it!” I tugged on my older brother's hand with anticipation. Even though my 15 year old body held just as much strength, it was still enough to make him stumble.
“Okay Little Bear, just give me a second, m’kay?” he looked down at me with a soft smile.
“Okay, but hurry! This only happens-”
“Every 20 years, I know” he chuckled and I scoffed. Obviously he knew, he was the one who told me that.
“Just let me grab my telescope and we'll be ready to go,” John reassured me while I impatiently strolled through our small living room.
It had been 3 years since dad left us to live with his new family and things were tough. Mom has been a wreck and started drinking consistently ever since the day he left, John has been working two jobs since my mother was jobless and I have been taking care of her and the house, as well as going to school everyday and trying to keep my grades as high as possible. I taught myself how to cook and clean. I made sure my mom and brother had something to eat, even if it was just a sandwich. I had to take care of them as much as I could. Especially my mom. She was heartbroken and I couldn’t bear seeing her like that. Even though she didn’t like me, for some reason I never got to understand, I couldn’t just let her rot. She may did not care about me, but I couldn’t not care about her. She was my mom, afterall.
I quickly glanced over at the black couch where she laid. A small smile appeared on my lips as I observed her state; the way she looked so calm and relaxed in her sleep, probably the calmest I've seen her in a while, the way she hugged that bottle of whiskey like her life depended on it. She hugged it as if it was her child; with so much protection and guardiance. My smile faded. The more I looked at the way she clinged onto that damn bottle, the more I felt like crying. I dozed off. I hadn't felt my mother's embrace in years. I was kind of getting jealous of that bottle. Why did that liquid that tasted just like poison matter more than I ever did to her? Why is it so important to her? How does one become a liquid? Maybe if I was one, she would then need me. She would then see me. She would then love me.
“Ready?” my brother thankfully interrupted my troubling thoughts. He placed a hand on my shoulder, making me jump a little at the sudden touch, and a concerned look creeped into his face once he saw my teary eyes.
“Hey, what's wrong?” he worried.
“I'm okay, J, just dozed off for too long. Let's go!” I faked a smile and finally dragged him out of the much suffocating house that did not feel at home.
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Long Island was truly beautiful at night. From the hill we were at, the Montauk Lighthouse could be seen, as its bright light lit up the dark, scary sea. But that didn't matter at the time. I could visit the lighthouse whenever I wanted to, whereas I couldn't see the Jupiter and Saturn conjunction again for another 20 years minimum.
I laid my soft, warm blanket on top of the freshly wet grass and sat on it with anticipation and excitement while I watched my brother put together the telescope. Once he did and tested it, he motioned me to walk over him which I did instantly.
“You should be able to see them here…” he trailed off as he adjusted the scope for me a couple of times before letting go.
“Can you? Can you see them?” John asked me.
“Wait, no. Let me just- Oh my god, I see them!”
“Really? Let me see, move!” he practically shoved me into the ground out of excitement, throwing me into a couple of rocks that ended up scratching my knee deeply.
“Ouch!” I hissed and quickly brought my injured leg towards my chest.
“Holy shit I can actually- shit, y/n/n” my brother turned his attention to me when he heard my screech, his enthusiasm long gone once he was met with a bloody knee of mine.
“Fuck, sorry kid, I didn't mean to hurt you” he quickly apologised and whipped the red liquid with his shirt.
“I have some stuff in the car, Imma go bring them real fast” he announced, but I stopped him before he could get up from the ground.
“J, it's okay. It's just a scratch” I groaned.
“Y/n, this is not just a scratch, it's deep. It will probably scar, I have to disinfect it” he argued, but I didn't care.
“You'll disinfect it later. Now, sit your ass down and enjoy this moment with your sister” I playfully slapped his shoulder and chuckled. I was in pain, but I just didn't pay any attention to it. That moment, at that hill, with that exact night sky was all I could pay attention to. These, and the person who was sitting right next to me.
“Oh look, there’s Aquila!” I excitedly told him and pointed at the constellation.
“You remember,” he chuckled after nodding his head.
“Of course I do, it’s your favourite,” I rolled my eyes at him. How could he even think I had forgotten?
“Do you know why it’s my favourite?” he challenged me and I smirked.
“Because it’s an eagle. Eagle is your favourite animal” I smiled, pleased.
“Damn, you really do listen,” he laughed and patted my head. I huffed with fake annoyance and turned my head to admire the rest of the stars, trying to find the rest of the constellations I was reading about. Silence took over us, until I decided to speak again.
“I love it when we do this” I smiled at him and he looked over at me.
“I love it too, kiddo. Sorry about your knee” he apologised once again and I shook my head.
“Well, if I'm being honest, I think some ice cream would totally make it better,” I joked and batted my lashes at him playfully.
“Oh I bet it would,” he scoffed but still laughed at my tactics.
I truly did love this. Everything about it. I loved how the autumny slight cold breeze grazed my skin, how the brown, dried out leaves cracked when I stepped on them, how I could finally drink hot beverages and wear my knitted sweaters. I loved how the stars that aligned on the eternal darkness that made up the night sky reminded me of my insignificance, of how nothing actually matters in this world. I loved how I could feel my brother's warmth and kindness only when it was just the two of us, doing the things we both loved and were passionate about.
But at the same time, the same way the night’s bright ornaments reminded me of my insignificance, they also made me actually remember it. Yes, nothing mattered, but so did I. I didn't matter. I didn't know if I could be someone who mattered. Maybe if I was someone or something else, I would matter. Perhaps an injured dog or cat who’s looking for a home, the president's wife, a bottle of whiskey…
That goddamn bottle of whiskey.
“Do you think if I was a bottle of whiskey, mom would need me?” I whispered almost inaudibly under my breath. I didn't know why I said that out loud, but I did, and I hoped that John didn't hear. However, when I heard him sigh deeply, I knew that he did and I mentally cursed myself.
“I know that mom’s approval is something you crave. And I know it hurts you a lot because you're not getting it,” he looked into my eyes, “But I also want you to know that you are enough just the way you are. I love you just the way you are and you matter a lot to me, just the way you are. Whenever you feel like you're insignificant, just remember this moment right here,” he pointed towards the ground, “See the moon?” he asked me. I nodded.
“As long as this bright, floating ball shines, you're not alone. As long as the moonlight shines, you're not unseen or unknown. You are just as important as the moonlight and as long as you shine, you'll never not be enough” John concluded with a loving smile and a soft voice. His eyes scammed all over my face trying to examine my features for any signs of self doubt that he wasn't able to erase from my internal conflict, but he was unable to find any.
Not because there wasn't any left, but because I knew how to mask it.
I flashed him a grateful smile. If I didn't have him, I wouldn't be able to survive. He was my rock. He was the person who showed me how love actually felt like, and I couldn't be more thankful for him. As long as I had him, everything would be okay.
“I love you, John” I muttered and engulfed my big brother into my arms. He responded quickly by wrapping his own around my clothed back.
“I love you more, Little Bear” he whispered against my hair and planted a kiss on the top of my head.
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abyssalpriest · 9 months
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Working with Leviathan be like
Leviathan: *completely both rewrites a severe trauma trigger back into something neutral and freeing, and further reconnects me to the Sky and myself off plane and pre-incarnation in the space of 24 hours* yeah nice, anyway we should play video games now I'm tired
#ramblings //#Emphasis on he works over the span of months but he really is a uh... A pool of water that doesn't drip into your mind until you open the#door. And you think you will be drowned when you do but he is so soothing. And he walks with you#And sometimes what he walks you through is really painful and it's like what the actual fuck am I doing but he stays there like#duh it's what I said would happen it's fine trust me#And you do and then it's like. Holy shit. Look what I walked through. Hope you're proud of me#leviathan //#ramblings //#Anyway. Friendship ended with Despise A Certain Game now Ending Of The Game Where She's Soothed And The Rain Fades is my friend#And. I didn't realise how much I'd become afraid to talk about me. I talk about Leviathan all the time as the sky but I don't.... Like#talking about myself as a part of the day sky and what that means. I have. Thanks to him. Had gateways opened to astral memories#that I was too scared to touch and.... I'm.... I think I'm ready to start recorroborating my info between brains in astral and physical#bodies..... I think..... I'm ready I'm... I am So fucking End Of Game Where Rain Fades right now and that makes me want to fucking bawl my#eyes out because a) I wasn't allowed in the cult I was in to go near that part of the game bc they told me the character there was alive and#she hated my guts and thought I was disgusting. And b) god the storyline involving her is just so so so so so relevant to my life post-cult#:( you know. Just :(#Diary //#The child returns to her mother the cycle is done the rain clears the ocean is infinite the workings of the cult I mean church are undone#And that doesn't scare me anymore? The cult was so.... Had me thinking that any time that game was brought up they were in control of it#and they would see me and it was their game and they made it alone and I could never just enjoy it as a video game.... It#Still hurts a little but leviathan walked me through allowing it to be neutral and admitting that I see myself in it. Because I tried my#hardest to not admit that thinking that if I did they'd be in my head but mo#No* it's... Its a communal thing. It's allowed to be relatable to a wide audience for neutral reasons. I don't have to break down when I see#it. And I'm allowed to talk about the Sky and I'm allowed to talk about where and when I met Leviathan and I'm allowed to not hide what I do#with him because others may take it as gross exaggerations for bragging rights - I'm allowed to be neutral. Just because at one point in my#life I thought astral projection was only for a select few does not mean now that I do it I have to hide it in case someone like me#takes their insecurity so far that they see my neutral declarations as an attack on them............. Anyway#The Day Sky. My beloved. You mean so much to me. I won't forget my purpose in this incarnation I will not hide it#Thanks Lev#I love that arguably calling him Lev is more controversial than calling him Tengri but it's Not just a nickname lmfao
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salsadifragola · 1 year
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silverislander · 3 months
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i know my anxiety is irrational and comprised of previous negative experiences instead of an accurate prediction of the future bc it still tries to make me feel bad about objectively funny things that no longer even align with my morals as a person
#did i ever tell yall abt how im the reason a choir i was in couldnt post a nice video. i singlehandedly ruined it#they were recording us reacting to the big revelation of where we would be going on our choir trip next year and we were HYPED UP#or at least i was. they were dragging it out and i was super excited#finally after 3 separate speeches and like 10mins of buildup (im not kidding) they told us we were going to...#literal drum roll. a guy in the drum section of the brass band was doing a drum roll. really funny guy i remember he was cool#... toronto!! (this was very exciting i had never been to toronto and i love getting to travel anywhere new)#and everyone was reacting positively and i loudly went 'OH MY GOD' bc i was excited#now the thing is. i had been trying not to swear anymore bc i felt like i did it too much (i was deep in religion at this point in my life#(the worst thing i would ever say was hell and that felt like a slur) (i was miserable 24/7 bc i had such high standards for myself)#and the other thing is. this was a church choir. we were IN the sanctuary at the time#multiple people turned to GLARE/stare at me and istg i felt smth inside me die a little i was beyond mortified#and i know they were recording our reaction bc i saw multiple people doing it. but no video was ever posted in the end 😭#i know 100% that was my fault bc i am very loud. you could absolutely hear me on that video + nobody else had that huge reaction#anyway. in the moment i was embarrassed but nowadays its so funny considering how i and those people turned out#i didnt even go on that trip i dropped out of the choir 3mos later bc i hated it there lmao#levi.txt#and now i think the fuck word is like top five most used words in my vocabulary and im not religious anymore. character growth#im nice to people and not weirdly judgemental abt whether their choices fit my moral standards#and most importantly of all im reasonably happy these days bc i dont try to make myself act like someone im not all the time!#i cant believe my brain still pulls that memory out sometimes to try and make me feel bad bc it just. does not work anymore
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andwewerehappy · 6 months
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had the big cry about them tonight. mostly him. keep daring the universe to prove me wrong when i say i’ll never see him again.
#i’ve been pathetic my whole life but i do think this is a new low for me.#he’s a 23yr old man with a girlfriend who works at a truck wash. like girl get a grip#but what if he was my soulmate :( in another universe he calls me up tonight and tells me he loves me too.#GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. and for what. for WHAT !!!! this really is one of those times where i wish i could zoom out and see the big picture#and see what this all was FOR. like what was the POINT of the last 8 months. this heartbreak this frustration this anxiety. for WHAT !!!#what if i never get over you.mp3 😐 what if i never get over. what if i never get closure. what if i never get back all the wasted words#i told you. what if it never gets better. what if this lasts forever and ever. i’m TRYING but then i close my eyes and i’m right back !!!#lost in that last goodbye !!! what if time doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do !!! what if i never get over you !!!#also i’m sure this is not All about him. it’s just manifesting as abt him right now. it will also be about Leaving in the bigger sense#as well. leaving home. leaving everyone here. moving. being in an apartment again. it’s going to be like college where i’ll be back home on#the weekends but. this also feels different. more permanent. keep telling myself it’s only a year. if i still feel like this after a year#i won’t stay. i’ll come back home. give it a try and see what happens.#this is not really leaving. this is not one of those things when you leave and you can never go back. this is not that.#and to think i thought i could up and move to seattle. god i’m such a joke.
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inkskinned · 28 days
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i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but as a content creator on this site, there's a part of me that's like. they absolutely just stole my work.
i'm not, like, unaware that tumblr has been shuffling downhill for years now. sometimes i play with the idea of switching platforms, turning myself into the shark. i often get tens of thousands of notes - i could be "doing numbers" on a platform that actually pays me to do so. i could have statistics that i could use to sell myself, i could rebrand and make content pay-to-play and make brand deals. i could have the other life, i mean.
but i don't want to. i like the quiet nature of tumblr. i like that it still feels like i'm writing poetry, not like i'm fulfilling ad spots. i like the community, and that i can sometimes still take someone by surprise and write something that really speaks to them. i like the tags and reading things like oh of course it's fucking inkskinned i love you inkskinned you gay mess. my girlfriend recently told me that people tag things "inkskinned" because they assume it is similar to tagging "creative writing". that's wild. i made this word up when i was 19, and have always assumed people tag me in things so i read it (and i often do). i have nothing but love and gratitude for you all, for this tiny scoop of family.
and i haven't made any money off it. i had opportunities, and i turned them down. i could have sold this thing like a thousand times. i thought about moving my work elsewhere - over and over and over i thought about it. i weighed each option specifically. but my tumblr felt like ... it's for you guys, only. if you're still here and reading this, you deserve to do it for free.
tumblr has now, most likely, skimmed my work (and yours) in order to make money. i will never see a single cent for that violation. something about landlords, i guess - my work pays their rent.
i just lost my job on valentine's day, and am working on scrambling for solutions. i am writing this to a blog that they will probably scrape with AI. and like, what number to do you think it was? do you think it was only a couple hundred thousand? no way it was close to a million, right? my time, effort, energy - it belongs to someone else now. how many silver pieces for them to completely sell out their user base.
and it's kind of like - funny? when it isn't very-sad. because i personally don't know what to do, ya know? i might as well move to a different platform, where my efforts are ai-scraped but could eventually pay me. where i know my privacy is the cost - but it could result in actual money. anyway. i need to figure out how i'm paying for meds. i need to email like six people about COBRA benefits.
my work is powering someone else's AI. it will be a beautiful fabricated poem, made from words i've already said.
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maiko-san · 2 months
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Catnap + Dogday x Reader ( Part 2 )
<<< Part 1 , Part 3 >>>
Relationship: Fluff
Character focused: Dogday, Fem! Reader
Plot : You're giving Dogday a groom after he got himself covered in mud.
A/n : I will try to include the other Smiling Critters in here, they deserve love too.
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A month has passed and things went on normally with your life. All the Smiling Critters get a minor check up everyday either by you or other coworkers.
These mascots work with children 24/7, they often are climbed on, tugged around or have paints/food stuck on their fur.
"I guess that's all of it"
"Oooh! My mane looks even prettier and shiny than before!"
You just finished cleaning up Craftycorn from all the glitters and paint off her white coat and cyan hair. Which took you half an hour to clean.
You put on a pink bow on her braided mane so she looks cuter.
"I really love how you do my mane! You know, we should do this more often! You're so creative, just like ME!"
" *chuckles* I'm glad that you like it, Craftycorn but I am NOT that creative as you are"
You dismiss the unicorn and give a handful of candy for her to enjoy. You call in the other mascot and Dogday pops his head in.
The dog is covered in mud from head to toe.
"Now, what did you get yourself into this time, Dogday?"
It was the third time this week.
Dogday only looks away, both hands on his back as he kicks his feet.
"KickinChicken and I got carried away while playing football, sorry..." /he lied.
You quirk an eyebrow, you know Dogday is really bad at lying. There are no muds at the football field since the field has fake grass carpet.
You wonder where he got all the mud from....oh well.
To Dogday, he likes being around you and wants to see you everyday but the other staff members didn't let him. Not even for a bit.
So the only way for the smiling critters to see you was to getting themselves dirty, either by accident or on purpose.
For Dogday, he did it on purpose so he could see you.
You usher the mascot on to the large bathtub so you could wash him up. You run the warm water over his body and rinsing the mud from his fur.
You know that they can clean themselves up but they seem to prefer having you to clean them.
It's a lot of work to clean a two story high mascot but it's fun.
You and the smiling critters would have a conversation, sometimes the smiling critters would tell them about their days.
Like a child telling their parents what they do at school.
"How's your day at the play care today?"
"It's really fun! We do a lot of things!"
"Oh, really? Tell me all about it. I'm curious"
"We play tag, we play hide n seek, we play red light green light with everyone! It was fun!"
"Did you have fun playing football with KickinChicken?"
"Oh, yes I did! The football was fun but what's even more fun is when you play in the mud!"
"Oh, really? KickinChicken just came a few hours ago and he told me he had fun playing skateboard"
"I—"
"Ha! Gotcha!"
You smirk as Dogday hangs his head down slightly. You scrub off the dirt from his ear and tell him that it's fine if he wants to see you.
Just don't get himself dirty all the time.
"The other staffs doesn't let me see you..."
"And why is that?"
"They said you stole their work...."
"....."
Recently your coworker has been glaring behind your back, gossiping and telling you to quit your job. Saying you were proud of your work which you never at all.
It is not entirely your fault that the mascots prefer you over them.
You knew how these mascots were treated before. It was during your interview at the playcare and your manager gave you a tour around the place.
You witnessed how the maintenance workers strapped these mascots in a tiny space and treated them like a wild animal.
"It is our fault wasn't it?"
"No, it's not. I'll deal with that matter myself and it is not yours to worry, alright"
You gave the canine mascot an assuring pat on the head which he leans into and his tail wagging behind him. You continue with your work and dry him in the blower machine and then you begin to groom his fur.
You notice that his fur had gotten longer by the day, so you decide to give him a little trim.
You hold his large paw, combing out the matted fur and snip some of them so it looks neat.
You did the same thing with his ears and chests.
Dogday watches you do you work, out of all staffs in this place. You are the nicest and the most gentle out of all staffs. You never strap them down or keep them in a small cage.
You treat them like a real person.
Like they used to be.
Dogday wants more from you, he wants to feel loved by someone. Someone that cares for him and everyone's well being unlike those scientists....
You care for him, so he will do the same to you.
You are his angel, after all....
"Alright, everything's done!"
You fix his collar and give his pendant a little shine. You decide to wrap a red scarf around his neck to compliment his orange colour.
"Is this for me, angel?"
"Yeah, it suits you well"
Dogday brings you into a tight hug, with his tail wagging aggressively behind his back. It seems the canine couldn't contain his excitement.
I mean, who doesn't like gifts? Especially from someone you like!
"Thank you! I will cherish it, always!"
"You're welcome, bud"
A/n : Since the first chapter received a good amount of views, here is the second chapter for all of you, sweeties!
I will assume that Dogday is the oldest out of all Smiling Critters, maybe around 13-15. We don't have a clue who Dogday really is but I decided to make him one of the older orphans.
Also, all the Smiling Critters in my stories share sibling relationships! and the reader is their oldest sibling or maybe parent figure! ☺️
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humansofnewyork · 6 months
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“Growing up I was very much in my own head, my own world. Instead of getting a babysitter my mom would just go to work and leave me at the house. We didn’t have a TV or anything. And when there’s no one to talk to, you just become your own friend. I’d look out the window and try to imagine myself doing things. Like: ‘What would it be like if I was standing on that roof? What sort of things would I see?’ But when you do that too much, at some point you get lost. I didn’t even feel alone. It’s hard to explain, because I haven’t experienced nothing else. But it's like: you don’t feel lonely if there’s never nobody else there. And there was never nobody else there. Alone was my normal. It was my comfortable. So when we first started dating, I didn’t know what to do. Every time we were alone I would speak non-stop. Then I’d stop myself mid-sentence and be like, ‘Damn. I’m speaking a lot. I need to shut up.’ And she’d be like: ‘No, just keep telling me what you were telling me.’ I was just so excited. I felt like l a kid with a new toy. I’m not calling her a toy, that’s not what I mean. But that’s how I felt. Like I don’t know how this works, but I can’t believe I have it. I’m in love now. For so long I’d told myself: ‘This is never going to happen.’ But then it actually happened. It was like: ‘What do I do? Where do I go now?’ Every day has been something new. Monday feels like Saturday, because every day has meaning. I’m figuring out about her, and about myself, and about the world. Like, I didn’t know you could have fun in winter. There’s so many indoor activities you can do, just simple things. Like wearing matching pajamas on New Years. I never knew about that stuff. It can be so fulfilling. Sometimes you don’t even have to do anything. Just having somebody sitting next to you makes you feel nice inside. And that’s how it is now. That’s how my life is. She’s my comfortable. When she’s not with me, I wish that she was. I feel what it feels to be alone.”
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Note
AITA for not having time to read my mutual's writing?
Met a mutual on here, bonded through fanfic, have been tight with them for a few years with pretty much no bumps in the relationship, just overall had a really good time hanging around them when I could. We both write a lot and share our writing, and occasionally we talk about that writing/workshop it in passing.
In the past few years I've gone through a ton of life changes. Most notably I went from a multi-person household to a single-person one, and I've been living alone in a prohibitively costly city for a while now working 40 hour weeks and barely scraping by. As soon as the transition started I spent the last of my free income on a shitty little laptop so I could still write, putting down words on my bus/train commutes in the morning and quite literally writing on my breaks at work because I feel insane when I can't create. I bring this up to really stress that I don't have the time for the hobby, I force myself to make the time and even then it never feels like enough.
The only thing I can really stand to do with my 3 hours of free time at night is hang out with my moots online. I'm an extrovert so being around people recharges me. If I don't have designated social time I get super depressed and can pretty much feel my soul withering away. I also feel like I should probably mention that I kinda have a slew of mental issues, personality disorders and PTSD and AuDHD and the works. Point being, shit is rough my dude, but I am a person who likes to work hard and face challenges head on and even though we strugglin, we doing it with a positive outlook.
But! I am an incredibly solution-oriented person and I have found what I personally believe to be a good balance. No one should have to live like this, but I do, and I have found a way to be happy. My writing and my social time is all load-bearing. It is not something I just choose to do on a whim, it's all planned and scheduled and I adhere to those routines very strictly because, I cannot stress this enough, I will go fucking bonkers if I don't.
I'm mutuals with a lot of writers obv, and I sadly don't have time to read their work anymore, unless I get some extra time on my days off or something gets cancelled or like, I end up taking a vacation. I carry a great amount of guilt for this, though, even though I logically know it's reasonable. I try to support them where I can, cheer them on when I see them writing and tell them how cool their ideas sound, hype them up even when I can't actually read & review.
One of the things I do is sometimes I leave a kudos on fic I haven't read. I'm not trying to be ingenuine, and if they asked me I'd tell them like 'Oh I didn't read it yet, just wanted to show support!' but to me it's kinda like ripping a paper tab off a poster so that other's feel inclined to do the same. Plus my pals get a little email and a hit of serotonin.
Except one of my acquaintances, the one I mentioned at the start here, saw that I left kudos on a couple pieces another mutual of mine wrote this year. They more or less blew up my DMs with a ton of accusatory (like, literally presented like a 'GOTCHA!') stuff about how I was selective in who's fic I read, more or less implying that I secretly held some sort of grudge or negative feeling toward them and was making the conscious decision not to read or interact with their writing because of. Something, I don't actually know what they were trying to say. They also told me they vented to their friends about this MULTIPLE times, but they never once approached me to let me know they were feeling paranoid or neglected, they literally just took the most bad faith reading of it possible and then presented that to me like it was something I intentionally did, while the whole time I was unaware.
I tried to explain to them the kudos thing, that I didn't do it to every story, just ones I caught/noticed in my busy schedule. And I laid all this out and asked, multiple times, what free time am I supposed to read with? They didn't answer, and doubled down, kept trying to show me 'proof' that I was shorting them and no one else. Once they started to realize how wrong they were they backed down, but they didn't really apologize, or admit they were wrong, and they tried to end our relationship and left every single server we were in together. Because of some other unrelated stuff going on in my life, I didn't really consider them to be a close friend, but they were someone I really held dear and would've walked through hell for if they'd asked.
I still feel like there is something I'm missing here, and that's why I wanted to ask if I'm TA. I'm a pretty good communicator but one of the things I told myself when talking down my disordered thoughts (guilt about this prior) was "no one in their right mind would use reading fanfic as a metric for friendship." Now that I've had that exact thing happen, I'm starting to think maybe those thoughts weren't so disordered. Maybe this IS a big deal, and I should think about it more, but I don't even know what the solution to that would be. I just. Don't have time to read something lovingly crafted and appreciate it for what it is. All the hours in my week are used up, I'd have to lose sleep for this and with my mental health the way it is that is not an option.
Feel free to be a brutal, my skin is thick. Thanks!
What are these acronyms?
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fairuzfan · 1 month
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I have concern that I may still be technically zionist despite claiming to be pro-palestine. This is because I knew very little about Palestine when October 7th happened, so in the time since I have been reluctant to have a stance on a two-state or one-Palestinian-state solution. I know now that almost all of Isreal is stolen land and recognize Isreal only exists due to colonialism, it took me a long time to learn that but I know it now. Before I knew that, I knew that regardless of the prior history that in current day Palestine is being subjected to a genocide. However, I struggle with politics and therefore struggle with understanding how a one-Palestinian-state could be achieved and have concern about what would happen to any genuinely innocent people who live in Isreal. To be clear, Isreal as a whole is guilty and I just have concern about what will happen to the portion of people in Isreal who are just as horrified as the rest of the world at what their government is doing. I do not personally know any Palestinians, so I have not known who to talk to about this especially since I do not want to overstep in any way. Theres more context I could provide but I wont because this is roughly the gist of where I am currently at when it comes to my concerns about whether or not I am still zionist. Do you have any reccomendations as to what I can do about my concerns? I am not sure whether or not I am overstepping right now by asking you this, but I do not know any other Palestians on a personal level that I can go to.
hey thanks for sending this in. i think we all have zionist biases that we have to unlearn, even i catch myself falling for it sometimes. so it's not necessarily a moral failing if you're trying to undo the zionism you've been taught. thanks for trying to undo it!
i do want to correct you a bit thought, in that *all* of israel is stolen land because israel is a settler colonial society. until it is relabeled as "Palestine" it can't not be stolen land.
I guess my advice is that you read scholarship and perspectives on palestinian thought and heritage. i can't tell you what a free palestine will look like but i can tell you what i imagine it to be. but what i can tell you is that the state of israel is fully intent on erasing all traces of palestinian life no matter what.
i guess i can tell you why "two state solutions" don't really work because there is no.... prevention of settlement building in the west bank and they'll never really promote *not* settling in the west bank. like i really cannot imagine a world where there aren't settlers on palestinian land no matter the case. and that's even not allowing palestinians the right of return to their homes and expecting them to give up what they dedicated their lives to. many palestinians in the west bank and gaza are themselves refugees because they were displaced in '48. so no matter what, palestinians will always get the short end of the stick and told to "just deal with it."
plus, why are we concerned with the supposed future danger towards israelis when the current, very real danger towards palestinians exists? shouldn't we prioritize actual events over hypothetical ones? why should we concern ourselves with the future when for palestinians its not a guarantee? i have no idea what's going to happen to gaza, for example.... shouldn't we prioritize that gaza lives on today?
i think i would question why you think israelis are inherently in danger in a one state solution? like do you assume that palestinians will all universally commit violence on all israelis? is it because you believe that hamas wants to kill every single israeli jew no matter what? if so, i think that's where your problem lies — in the assumption that peace can only be achieved through segregation just in a lighter form (because the state of israel relies on segregation as a principal of its existence as a jewish state). what about the palestinians who fear living side by side with the same people who raped, tortured, and murdered them for 75 years, or advocated for their deaths? aren't they inherently in more danger?
i mean palestinians have consistently been painted as the villains for more than 75 years. like in every aspect. i think to really truly be antizionist you need to prioritize palestinian concerns and worries over israeli ones because of how.... unwilling much of the world is to even consider them.
approaching zionism from an idea of an inequality structure is also necessary — rather than assuming its a one off system, we examine it as a perpetuation of multiple types of systems of inequality embedded into one. i recommend the institute for the critical study of zionism (click) for more information on this. There's also this book by Ismail Zayid written in the 80's (click) about the longtime violence the ideology of zionism has done to multiple communities, not just palestinians.
Here's a great reading list by palipunk about different aspects of palestinian thought and culture (click). i suggest looking through them to help decolonize our way of thought.
i might add on to this later if i think of something else to say.
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spacebarbarianweird · 2 months
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OK OK you just gotta hear me on this one,, Astarion and gn reader where reader is little spoon and Astarion can *sense* just how relaxed reader gets. Instead of their pulse racing from his touches they slow down. Muscles relaxed. Happy little sighs.
^^ he can’t handle this btw he’s absolutely fucking bewildered
A Person to Hold
Synopsis: Fluffy post-game epilogue
Tags: fluff
Read on AO3
Masterlist
Headcanons
He looks at you, unable to stop smiling.
"They deserve happiness. We all do. And I will forever be grateful to have found it with you," Astarion says.
You make a step forward with open arms. Astarion hugs you, closing his eyes like a content cat. 
A mere half year ago these hugs scared him. It was weird. It was scary. What did you want? Did you want to hurt him? Did you want his body?
No.
None of that.
You taught him not to be afraid. You hug him daily and if he occasionally flinches you don’t let him go. You hold him in your arms when he has nightmares and kiss away his tears when it's just too much.
"I feel bad keeping you all to myself! After all, I get to see you every night."
"Are you sure? You won't be bored?"
You kiss his cheek and leave. In a few seconds, you look back, trying to see if he hasn’t changed his mind. 
"Darling, I can spend some time with myself. Go on, go and mingle. And I will be there, when you’re ready. I will always be here, my love."
He hasn’t. Astarion sits down beside a campfire sensing its warmth.
He doesn't feel like talking. He didn't manage to make friends with the others and now can sense hostility from them. He is a vampire. His strength isn’t suppressed by the tadpole and apparently once the vampire's master is dead, spawns become lesser vampires. Astarion doesn't feel the difference, to be honest, but he knows people feel something is off with him.
Well, it doesn't matter. What matters is that he feels good. He has never thought his head might be so clear. He can make a working ambush plan in a blink of an eye and it won't lead to a disaster because he actually can think everything through. He can walk on ceilings and walls again, he regenerates before you manage to notice he is wounded. 
He has the world to explore, places to see, things to do. He is going to make up for all these decades of misery, to bury them under the pile of happy memories.
And he has you.
Probably the weirdest thing that could happen to him.
You, who forgave his lies and manipulations, who gave him the second chance when it was the stupidest thing to do. Who made him believe the world isn’t an evil place. 
You are the first person he sees when returns from his reverie. Your breathing soothes him, so does your heartbeat.
Astarion never had anything. Everything he had a right to was stripped away from him including his own life.
But now he has you.
To hold, to kiss, to talk. 
To travel together, to hunt monsters, to be independent adventurers. You are there to save him from nightmares. And he is there to save you from death.
How could he become so happy?
“I am going to sleep, are you with me or do you want to hunt?” he feels a soft “pat” on his shoulder.
How come he has you?
You are a bit drunk and very sleepy.
“Let’s go to the tent.”
“Good, I got used to sleeping with you by my side.”
Astarion looks around as if ashamed of what he is going to do and, having made sure no one sees you, takes you in his hands bridal-style.
You are weightless to him thanks to the vampiric strength. He could walk many miles carrying you and not getting tired.
In the tent, you get to your bedroll and immediately cover yourself with a thick blanket. Then, you open it a little, inviting Astarion to join.
He takes his clothes off and crawls to your side. The night is warm, so are you. But since you have to share your body heat with him, you sleep under the thickest fur blanket. 
You are his and he is yours. If a year ago someone told him that would be his future he would bitterly laugh.
Astarion presses your back to his chest, placing the chin on your shoulder.
Your muscles relax, the pulse slows down. You are falling asleep in his arms.
"My love, thank you" he whispers in you ear, tugging you closer
“Hm?”
“Thank you for finding me."
You squeeze his hand. “You were worth it.”
He doesn’t want to meditate. He wants to hold you like that until you wake up. Astarion concentrates on your breathing and heartbeat. You are already sound asleep.
“Sleep well, darling,” he kisses your cheek. “We still have plenty of things to do together.” 
--
Tag list
@tugoslovenka @marcynomercy @wintersire @vixstarria @not-so-lost-after-all @ashiro20 @theearthsfinalconfession @herstxrgirl @starlight-ipomoea @micropoe10 @astarion-imagine-archive @veillsar @elora-the-slutty-songstress @fayeriess @lumienyx @tallymonster @caitlincat-95 @tragedybunny @valeprati @lynnlovesthestars @marina-and-the-memes @waking-electric @ayselluna @connorsui @asterordinary @darkarchangel96
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lunarw0rks · 7 months
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humbly requesting ghost x reader where he thinks he’s too old and damaged for reader. i headcannon ghost to be anywhere between 35-38 and the reader would be early twenties. he’s all emo and “oh they’re too innocent, i’d hurt and ruin them” and reader is just like “i would die for this man.”
Too Old For You // Part One
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Summary: You've been crushing on him for a while now, even going as far as taking a stab for him. But it isn't enough for him to notice you; you're too young, too nice for someone like him.
Warning(s): medic!reader, fem!reader, age gap [reader is early twenties, ghost is mid/late thirties], mild injury/blood, hurt/no comfort
Word Count: 817
A/N: I enjoy hurting my own feelings :)
꒦꒷ MAIN MASTERLIST ꒷꒦ GHOST MASTERLIST // have a request? ˗ˏˋ ASK BOX | AO3 VER | PART TWO .ˎˊ˗
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“You’re an idiot, you know that?”
You did know that, by this point, at least. He had only told you about a hundred times.
“I can do this myself. It’s my job,” you let out a hiss as the Lieutenant purposefully wrapped the gauze tighter than necessary. You weren’t even supposed to be involved — you were supposed to keep hidden until the situation was handled.
He ripped off the end of it, fastening the small clip to keep the wrap in place. “Keep quiet,” he wanted to be irate. But you meant well, and that’s what bothered Simon the most. He, of all people, didn’t deserve to be the one you sacrificed yourself for. You were lucky it was a knife through the hand and not through the heart—where the intruder had been aiming the blade intended for him.
The gash in your palm would be a life-long reminder, doomed to leave a nasty scar.
Nothing says I’m in love with you like taking a stab in the hand for him, but it was abundantly clear he was too headstrong to let you be with him. Or was intentionally dismissing your signals entirely, you weren’t sure which one was more disheartening.
Ghost sets your injured hand back down, letting you admire his sloppy patchwork. It got the job done, it didn’t need to be an aesthetically-pleasing bandage. He used an alcohol wipe to cleanse the bloodstains on your forearm, now an unnecessary service. Perhaps it was his way of apologizing for you being injured on his behalf because he surely wasn’t expressing it through words.
You reached over with your unharmed hand and placed it over his, stopping his meticulous wiping, “I got this.”
The stubborn Lieutenant only flicked his gaze upwards from your hand on his, a brief scoff escaping his lips. Whatever the hell that meant. “Least I can do is get the damn blood off you, kid. Jumped in front of a bloody knife for me.”
Kid. It was like nails on a chalkboard to you.
He continued muttering and shaking his head in disapproval, running the alcohol wipe along your flesh until there was no trace of crimson.
It wasn’t a motive of stupidity, nor was it to prove yourself. You weren’t even a soldier, there would be no use trying to be tough in front of him. Your true motive was admiration for him, and even now, with a stab wound, he’s too mule-headed to let you in. Any longer, and you might just lose your mind entirely.
“Thought you would be relieved, I guess.” You shrugged, speaking with a small bit of defeat. “Knife was supposed to go right there.” A finger pointed at his heart but didn’t dare make contact. You knew better than that,.. Sort of.
Before you could finish outstretching your hand, his unoccupied one clamped over it, breaths a little heavier. Followed by a look that could only be described as intense contemplation; should I break this hand or continue to gently hold it?
“You don’t have the slightest clue what you’re doing, do you?” Simon questions, thumb instinctually caressing your knuckle to balance out the iron grip he maintained. “You’re confused.”
You were too young, too nice in his eyes. It was your job to be a healer, a good one, too. And his job? A trained killer. To him, it was too ironic, too striking of a contrast. An arrangement like that would never work—Simon was too mature, too damaged, downright unworthy of your kindness. At least that’s what he had himself convinced of, even after the knife incident.
You replied hastily, a slight tinge of frustration showing. “I’m not confused, Ghost. I know what I want—I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.” You would’ve done it again if it meant another chance at restarting this conversation. A conversation that now was nose-diving into a point of no return.
“You shouldn’t have done it at all,” he sighed, amber eyes flooded with internal conflict. His grip released with one swift movement, and now his palm rested on either side of you, but it wasn’t intimidation he was after. “I’m not the bloke you want to jump in front of a bullet for, trust me.”
“Simon—” You blurted amidst his attempts at swaying you, cradling your bandaged hand. What more would it take?
“—Ghost.” He interjected, taking several steps back from his looming position. If he didn’t walk away now, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from poisoning you.
It wasn’t right. You deserve someone better than him. “It’s Ghost. We’re not doin’ this, Kid. I’m not doing it.” His words were like a punch to the gut, more painful than a stab to the hand, that’s for sure.
The door to the infirmary slammed shut, only seconds before his footsteps faded into silence, stranding you with the solitude of rejection.
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star-eyed-angels · 3 months
Text
Secrets and Sleep
bang chan x gn reader
fluff 1.6k
where you spill your heart out to your sleeping boyfriend.
AN: A small thing I started when I was sad that morphed into something more hope you like it.
______
It’s nearly 2 a.m. as you lay in bed, your boyfriend at your side. With Chan’s habit of working through the night in the studio, it’s rare you have him in bed with you before the sun is up. But tonight he’d come home earlier, wanting to spend a little more time with you to ease his stress. Tonight that meant cuddling in bed after a takeout dinner. 
Now you found yourself wide awake with a sleeping Chan next to you. His body is turned towards you as he sleeps on his side, pillow smushed against the side of his face. 
You brush the curly hair delicately out of his face, smiling softly when he shifts closer to you. You’ve always thought he looked so beautiful while he slept. Looking nothing but relaxed. Exuding pure warmth and comfort when he sleeps. You tuck your hands back under your cheek resting on them as you watch Chans even breathing. Your eyes trail over his features slowly, a small smile on your face as you watch him. The room is quiet as you feel your heart squeeze with the need to speak. 
“So many nights I used to wish for someone. Nights I dreamed of finding love, the right love,” your voice is soft as you speak into the open room, being careful to not wake Chan from his sleep. “And then the universe sent me you… perfectly wrapped in your endless black hoodies and topped with your messy little curls,” you gently trace a finger around one of his curls. 
“I remember the first time I met you at the cafe. You hadn’t even been in the building for five minutes before I was spilling half my order into your lap,” you cover your face in embarrassment. A laugh escapes you as you recall the memory.  “God, I was absolutely mortified. And then you were the one apologizing to me.” 
“To be honest, I never thought someone could look like you and still be that nice. Hot and kind Mr. Bahng,” you snort out quietly. You remember his smile as he waved off your apologies. Even as the lingering bits of coffee dripped onto his lap. You think you hadn’t 
“But there you were. Being so kind even after I ruined your clothes. And then you just stuck, like me embarrassing myself in front of you just made us friends. You were so willing to bring me into your circle and into your life.” You pause, staring off into the room around you. 
The room is still quiet as you glance at the photos and decorations littered around the space. Memories of before and after your relationship started, pieces of furniture you’d bickered over before laughing at how much you sounded like an old married couple. Even the bed you sleep on holds the memory of putting it together and suffering with Chan as he struggled to interpret the instructions. You can't help but feel sentimental in your room, your home. Thinking about how it all started with meeting Chan.
“I don’t think I’ve ever told you how grateful I am to have you. Ever since we met, you’ve always been so kind and willing to help. Even without knowing you, I could see that. And when we became friends that didn’t change, you offered me someone to lean on and the opportunity to make my own little circle with your members. In the short time after we met you added so much joy to my life and I genuinely couldn't believe it.” 
You turn back to look at Chan, who is still asleep, his slow breaths the only sound in the room. 
“And then you asked me out and I had never been so nervous in my life.” The memory of when he asked you out warms your heart. You don’t think you’d ever seen him that nervous as he avoided eye contact with you. His ears and cheeks pink as he had stumbled over his words. To be fair you weren’t doing any better, with your barely controlled giggles and warm face.  You’d thanked whatever in the universe kept you standing on your feet as you listened to his confession. 
“I was scared, you know, to fall in love again. Even though I wanted it, I didn’t think it was for me…” You hesitate, but decide to continue, “Everyone before, they didn't- They didn’t make me feel like I was worth the effort… I felt like a chore really…
“I was so convinced that I was unlovable. Each and every heartbreak just made me feel I wasn’t worth the effort.You place your hand on his cheek, softly rubbing your thumb against it.
Your voice is soft as you continue, ”But you’ve never made me feel like I was invisible. Like I was a cutout in this relationship. When it comes to you, you’ve shown me what it really means to be in love.”
“The ways you love me, you’re so attentive, so caring, so.. You. I’ve never felt a love like this. I wish there was a greater word to use than love, because you do more than love me. It’s like you give me the world in every little thing you do for me.” You laugh, a hint of embarrassment making you warm even though Chan is sleeping quietly next to you. 
“We’ve been together for so long, yet you’re still here giving me butterflies like a schoolgirl crush. I know it's a little silly, but you just make me feel like I’m something special”. You pause, stopping the words on the tip of your tongue.
Even after all this time, the hesitation from past relationships makes you nervous. But one look at Chan makes your worries fall away. He’s been your safe place for almost as long as you’ve known him. Even with this. Even if the thought of saying it out loud scares you, you know Chan would never judge you. You smile as you look at him, taking a calming breath. Even in his sleep it still feels like he’s helping you to calm your nerves. 
“You make me feel like I’m worth a forever,” Your confession comes out in a shaky whisper. You pause, even in the still room it feels like the world may suddenly come crashing down at your confession. But nothing changes. The room is still quiet. Chan still sleeps peacefully next to you. Your heart is still slightly beating out of your body. But a weight on your chest has slightly been lifted.
“I know that being in a relationship isn’t easy. But even through all the ups and downs, I’ve never felt unloved by you. Even the hard days don't feel as hard.
“I know at the beginning, loving me was hard. A lot of the time I  let my fear of us get in the way… but you were always patient. You never pushed me, never made me do something I didn’t want to. It’s like you know me better than I know myself most days.
“And I just… I just really hope you know how much I love you. How I would bring heaven down for you if I could. Catch all the stars in the sky for you. I want to give you the world like you do for me. And I kinda really want to spend the rest of my life with you.
You pause smiling softly at him. You lean forward, gently brushing your lips across his forehead. “I don’t know if you feel the same, but I really hope you do,” you mumble softly. 
You place a gentle kiss against his skin, smiling as you lean back. 
“Sweet dreams my love,” you say softly, bringing your hand back down to your side. You watch Chan’s steady breathing, feeling your eyes get heavier with the need to sleep. The last thing you remember is moving closer to Chan, before you’re fast asleep next to him. 
_______
Chan has no secrets. He’s always been open with you. Even with the occasional surprise he still manages to give it away.
‘I did get you an anniversary gift. But I won’t tell you what it is.’
‘I’m planning your birthday party, what kind of cake do you want?’
Most people would be put off by this. Something about needing surprises to keep a relationship going. But you love Chan's openness. You love how he wants everything to go perfect, paying attention to every little detail.. It makes you feel special and you love it. Other than that, Chan has no secrets.
That is until tonight.
Tonight as he lays with his eyes closed next to you. He shifts closer to you sleepily as he feels your fingers near his hair. He’s about to open his eyes to look at you when you speak. His heart feels like it’s beating out of his chest as you open your heart out to him. He thought that he couldn’t fall even more in love with you, but here you are stealing his heart once again.He doesn’t think he’s ever felt more in love with you than this moment.
He fights the urge to jump up and trap you in his arms, to pepper every inch of your skin in kisses and tell you how much he loves you. He knows this is a delicate moment. One he’ll treasure for the rest of his life. 
So after tonight Chan has two secrets.
The first being that he’s not actually asleep next to you and can hear every word you’re saying. He figures he’ll tell you eventually. When the moment is right.
Which brings him to his second secret.
When he’s gonna give you the ring he plans to buy you first thing in the morning. His commitment to never stop showing you what you mean to him. A promise to a forever that you deserve.
A forever that he really wants to spend with you too.
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sar-soor · 4 months
Text
When I was a kid in school and we learned about poetry in English class, I hate to admit that I complained that I just didn't get it and that it just didn't move me.
I was in high school (living in Falasteen as a US citizen without a hawiyya) the first time I ever really sat down to read Mahmoud Darwish's work and suddenly I understood. The first line of poetry that ever moved me to tears (as in, I began sobbing uncontrollably) was from a poem in Unfortunately, It Was Paradise. One line, and it was over for me.
Where can I free myself of the homeland in my body?
As soon as I read it, everything clicked. All those years of trying and failing to see the merit in metaphors and similies and cut up line structures that I couldn't make any sense of were gone. I'd never connected to anything I read so viscerally. It was like someone stuck me in the chest with a metal rod and shocked me into feeling.
I'd never felt so seen or understood, especially as someone who (and I know most if not all diaspora Palestinians can relate to this) spent my entire life being told that Falasteen did not belong to my people, that my people never existed, that my identity was a farce, that my connection to Falasteen meant nothing because, in the eyes of the West and Zionists and world maps and Google searches, Palestine did not exist. I was told by teachers who lived on illegal settlements in the West Bank that the situation was "complex." I was told by teachers in the US growing up that I should be grateful for the fact that my family was able to come to this country when they did, that I was an American, that I should be proud of it. I was told by everyone (excluding fellow Palestinians, of course), constantly, that my big feelings about the land my grandparents had stolen from them and the home that I should have grown up being turned into a bar and the injustices that I witnessed with my own two eyes in both '48 and the West Bank meant nothing, that I should get over it, that the Nakba was done and over with and nothing could ever be done for the Palestinian people. I was told, again and again, in a million different ways, to let go of Falasteen, because the rest of the world had.
Where can I free myself of the homeland in my body?
Everything I'd ever been told, all the times I'd had my identity denied, or held against me, all of it boiled down to that line. My body reacted to seeing those words so immediately because they'd finally given voice to the feelings I'd been experiencing my entire life. I can't describe what reading those words does to me even now. I cannot describe what it means to know that someone in the world once felt the same way I do now, that this massive awful experience connects us, that the love we have for our home is felt just the same.
Mahmoud Darwish was a marvel and a master of his craft, and he was one of the most important and prolific Palestinian poets and activists of his time (and ever, in my opinion) for good reason. I owe my ability to connect with writing to him. I owe my ability to connect with my home, with the emotions and experiences I've had my entire life, to him.
Where can I free myself of the homeland in my body?
Falasteen lives within every Falasteeni person both inside and outside of the land. I will never be free of it, nor would I ever want to be.
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abilouwrites · 22 days
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Hihi I was hoping I could request enemies to lovers Zuko x fem!reader?
The reader is a traitor to the fire nation and can bend fire (also a street peformer before she joined the gaang? 👀) 💕💕
Omg getting a request just made my day I love these!!!
I hope you like it 🫶🫶🫶
YOURE STILL A TRAITOR
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Id like to say that my life is good, that I’m happy where I am but I’m not. I’m upset and frustrated; but most of all I’m living on the street, preforming stupid acrobatic tricks just to feed myself. I’ve left everything behind. My family and wealth but most importantly someone I never wanted to live without.
I’m upside down when I see them; soft flames coming from the soles of my bare feet. Resting on my forearms and twisting and contorting my body.
“You.” A teenaged girl approaches me and I turn right side up, “you’re a fire bender aren’t you!” She says, “what’s your name?”
“Uh” I stare at her and smile nervously, “y/n Huǒ” I repeat slowly, and quietly. People of the fire nation know the traitor I’ve become outside the walls of the fire nation. Meeting the avatar, going against my friends for his life. All because I believed in something greater than all of this.
“I know you” a boy says, bandana around his forehead, “your grandpa, Yújìn. I know- or knew him” He says
“Oh.” Realization hits my face, “you’re the avatar!” A short girl slaps me.
“Wow way to tell everyone!” She retorts, god are little kids sassy.
“You could teach Aang firebending” Katara says, it’s hard not to know someone’s name when there’s wanted posters all over town.
“I’m good at fire bending but I’m no master” I say, “I thought Prince Zuko abandoned the throne to teach you” I ask
“Well he’s uh.. learning a new way to firebend” Toph laughs a little and I smile awkwardly.
“I don’t bend very traditionally” I reply, “but if it will get me off the streets I guess why not” I stand up straighter and brush my hair out of my face.
“You brought that back?!” Zuko shouts, we’ve had a long history. One that includes a betrothal, and a knife to the gut. He looks at me with disgust which I’m not surprised at.
“I’m a girl. Not a thing!” I cry out, “the only reason I’m here is because Aang needs a firebending teacher because you suck!” I scoff out at him, there’s fire burning in his hands but I never raise mine.
He groans at me, “you’ve always been like this! Even when”
“Zuko I don’t want to talk about that” I warn, there’s a plea in my voice but he accepts that, “it was a long time ago”
“Yeah like it was that long ago” he sasses and I roll my eyes.
“Zuko!”
It doesn’t take long for things to settle down; I’m essentially useless now that Zuko has gotten his bending back. Even if he did it how I told him to do it all along but whatever.
The bickering still happens, and I want to throw a knife at him but part of me still loves him. I didn’t hate being betrothed to him as much as I thought I did.
“Did you ever miss us?” I ask him, “after you were banished. I refused to Azula to give away your location and then the Avatars when you wrote me” I confess, “so I left”
“I think. At first I did, but I don’t— I don’t think we would’ve worked together. We fight all the time. I hated you at first. And you hated me” He admits, looking down slightly. He sighs heavily
“Yeah. I guess. But I didn’t really hate- hate you” I admit, “I missed you. I liked knowing you”
He nods, “I did like knowing you too, you’ve changed so much. I mean your fire it’s pink” he laughs
“Maybe it’s from my bubbly personality” I tease, he laughs
“You. Have a bubbly personality!” He laughs and it’s so good to hear, “you were so shy, like if I sneezed too hard I would scare you”
I smile softly, “I’ve changed so much sense I was twelve” my hair falls around my face and he tucks the loose strand around my ear
“What now that you’re fourteen?” He teases softly, his hand lingers behind my ear. But he removes himself quickly.
“Zuko. Im fifteen” I remind him, it’s embarrassing when he says he knows how my heart flutters and I feel weak in the knees.
“I remember, once you turned eighteen we would’ve” he looks away with a blush on his cheeks
“Yeah. Gotten married” I laugh, and I keep laughing because the thought of getting married feels so small and childish to the war we’re supposed to be preparing for.
He laughs; rolling laughs that make me keep laughing. My laughs turn short and wheezy before his face straightens, “are you ok? Can you breathe?” His face turns to me and he smiles seeing my smile. It’s a smile that makes my cheeks hurt and heart race.
“As the Prince of the fire nation. I’m supposed to hate you. Because you’ve betrayed our nation. But as Zuko. As your Zuko. In this moment I don’t feel anything but hate. I feel love for you. A fire that I never want to put out” he tells me, scooting closer to me. I let him cradle my face, “I never hated you”
“I never hated you either” a weak laugh escapes me but he kisses me before it truly develops. It’s a kiss that devours me whole, wrapping itself into my heart and soul.
“If we make it through this. Let’s make good on that betrothal”
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thesmollestsnek · 10 months
Text
Death echoes
So a while ago, i found this dp x dc post that had a really interesting lore headcanon for Danny’s ghostly wail. Idk if I’ll be able to find it again, I’ll link it here if I do, but essentially it posited that every ghost has something called a “death echo”, which is an ability unique to them based heavily on their deaths. These echoes are the most powerful move in a ghost’s moveset, but they’re also extremely volatile and draining, typically damaging the ghost in some way when used, with Danny’s being his Wail because he died screaming. The original post then went on to some really cool halfa!Jason ideas based on these death echoes, but for this lil snippet with an extremely long intro I’d like to focus on Danny a bit more.
Edit: Apparently I may have extrapolated a lot of the actual lore behind these death echos myself? The inspiration post was a lot longer in my memories. Or I might've mushed multiple posts into one mental box and then forgot lol. So a lot of the actual detail from this point on is seemingly mostly original material? I think? Idk man, sometimes my brain spits out information without giving me any clues as to where it got that information. Anyway, this post got kinda long and since I'm... decently sure this is where I shifted from summarizing @ailithnight's post to writing all my own thoughts I figured here would be a good place to throw the cut lol.
So! with all of the context-for-the-context out of the way, let’s move on to the actual context for what I’m writing cause I can’t be bothered with writing an intro XD
Essentially, this is an au where Danny is an established member of the Justice League, or maybe one of the teen hero teams? I’m a slut for eternal teenager Danny, but maybe he’s enough of a powerhouse to be on the main team despite him both looking and acting like the dumbass fourteen year old he died as. Either way, he’s on a League/League-sanctioned mission and things go bad. Like, everyone-almost-dies bad. And so as a final desperation attack, Danny uses his Wail, a power he’s never told anyone on the league he even has. And it works, and they make it out, but after the fact everyone has. Questions. And because in this au death echoes are deeply personal, Danny dodges those questions, but the league coughbatmancough isn’t satisfied with that. So they push for answers. Answers Danny’s not willing to give, because. In my mind death echoes aren’t just based on how a person died, but also their experience of that death. What their last thoughts were. When Danny died the only thing that he could process beyond just an all-encompassing painpainpainpainpain was the sound of someone screaming. His screaming. And so his death echo is the sound of a fourteen year old child screaming in deathly pain and terror weaponized, which definitely gave the league Even More Questions than they would’ve had already. Which finally brings us to the actual snippet, which is a conversation between John Constantine, who was brought in for his experience with the supernatural once it became clear Danny wasn’t going to talk, and Danny himself. 
~~~~~~~
“So, kid. Batsy tells me you’ve been hiding some of your abilities, wanna tell me what's up with that? Call it an occultist's intuition, but somethin’ tells me you’re not just being stubborn for the hell of it.”
“It’s... complicated. And not anyone’s business, either!”
“Kid...”
“Why does it even matter?! It’s not something I want to or am even able to do on a regular basis! I saved the mission, can’t they just accept that and move on???”
Sighing, Constantine reached up to start massaging his brow. “Kid, you and I both know that ain’t gonna be enough. Now I know that some things are better left alone, but the rest of these idiots? They can’t accept that, Batsy especially. That man’s never left bloody well enough alone in his life”
He looked up just in time to see the otherworldly teen shrink into himself, looking every bit the child he was. “I know but... why? Why do they need to keep asking questions? And why do they only ask the ones that hurt to answer?”
A sharp glance. “The fuck kinda questions are they asking? Batman was speaking in more grunt than word, so I didn’t really catch all the details of what this power you’re supposedly hiding even is.”
Phantom shrinks even more into himself at that, and responds in a voice so small it’s more sigh than speech. “I... I can scream. And it breaks things and pushes people back. But it, it sounds. Bad. And it brings up bad memories and I don’t like to do it or listentoitoreventhinkaboutitandtheywon’tletmeforgetand-”
“Breathe kid. I know you don’t need to but just take a deep breath with me. Don’t you go getting lost in your own head on me now., Constantine reassured the kid automatically, the sheer hopelessness prompting action long before the words themselves could be understood. Then the rest of him caught up, and he had to pause. Looked up at the kid, saw just how distressed he was. A picture was starting to form in the back of his head, and Constantine didn’t like what he saw one bit. A last-resort power that the normally open Phantom was strangely reticent about. A scream so horrible sounding the rest of the league would not to stop asking questions about it. Terrible memories to match said scream. And one truly miserable child who couldn’t bear to even think about any of it. 
“Phantom... is that your Echo? Screaming?”
A miserable nod is his only response, the tears that had been welling up in the kid’s eyes finally starting to fall. Cursing softly to himself, Constantine stood to leave, bracing himself for the Bat’s inevitable questioning. “Well then you just take all the time you need love, and leave the rest to me. I’ll make sure the rest of those idiots know not to ask you about this ever again.”  And with that Constantine turned and strode towards the door, leaving the quietly sobbing child to collect himself in privacy.
~~~~~
I had a whole-ass lore dump conversation between Constantine and Batman planned here, explaining how death echoes are deeply personal, and asking about one is a taboo on par with, potentially even worse than, asking a ghost about their death outright. Because they are formed from an amalgamation of how a ghost died, their last thoughts, and their final emotions, in some ways asking a ghost about their Echo is like asking them to describe their death in painstaking detail. But uhhh... inspiration bug left. So yea. Side note, I’d like to apologize if my depiction of Constantine’s accent was Bad, I’m but a lowly USAmerican whose only exposure to British accents is through tv ^-^’
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