also like only getting to interact with family / being stuck unable to go anywhere in a suburban or otherwise car requisite environment / otherwise isolated is obviously not good but when people are like “going to school = developing normal correct social skills for kids” like as though even if [normal correct social skills] was a concept reflected in reality that the actual overall experiences people have in school totally taught them how to successfully interact with others. while it’s also like the “i hope kids are socializing the way they need to as much as they need to through school b/c that’s the only guaranteed avenue for it” = “adults better have all their social needs fulfilled through work =)” and like if people thought school was perfectly fine for them & surely everyone else & everything that happened socially was Healthy & Okay & turns around saying like well if a weird kid isn’t sent to school how can the crucible of their peers’ meritous reaction to their interaction efforts possibly forge them into a more normal person it’s like a “well My parents [used an abusive disciplinary tactic i’m asserting is okay for kids] & i turned out fine” situation when nt people by virtue of at least still being nt can claim that like yeah the bullying & fact that no actual socializing "teaching” goes on & is really abstract when it does & the ubiquity of concepts like “wow all the untouchable popular people who were assholes” etc etc like. again being isolated at home isn’t Good even if the home life is good, even if you Also go to school, but. same old same old concepts i guess like nd people can must should & will learn to be nt through the organic aba that is peers’ (&/or also teachers’) rejection of w/e ways they exist at school

dear jen, i'm in a little bit of an impasse.

i grew up in the deep countryside and moved to the city for grad school. i've been there for two years now and i can't take more, the big city is too overwhelming and i know i'd be happier back in the countryside.

the main problem is that there's basically no rural queer community in my country, and i'm afraid of being constantly lonely and having to deal with bigoted people all around me- for example, i could never have come out around where i grew up. how did you make the jump away from big cities (if you ever lived in one?)? how do i make peace with the fact that my physical and mental health needs are so distanced from my social needs ?

Ah.. country mouse in the big city. I grew up in a mid range town Cedar Rapids and moved to sort of a suburban rural community between Cedar Rapids and Iowa City in 4th grade. We had kind of a "best of both worlds". Not totally isolated but definitely rural.

I had friends from isolated small towns and after lots of experiences boiled it down to The Theatre. Yeah. Movie theaters. If a town had a movie theatre they had a small grocery store. Those two things meant they never HAD to leave town. Having food and entertainment nearby meant isolation from larger populations. If there was no theatre or grocery the teens and young adults were exposed to larger towns, other people, just out of necessity to get groceries and see movies (which in the 80's were the biggest form of teen enertainment next to malls and roller skating).

I did not go to the University of Iowa. Iowa City seemed WAY too large and distracting. I chose a small college in Kirksville Missouri. My parents (probably knowing I was a lesbian) were like "ARE YOU SURE?" Lol. Yep and off I went.

I did move to Iowa City for grad school (didn't finish) and that is where i met my first girlfriend and the bulk of my lesbian friend circle. Some people will laugh at me thinking Iowa CIty was BIG city. For me it was. In college I took road trips to Chicago, Minneapolis, St. Louis and Kansas City. And in my 20's travelled to New York and Washinton DC for gay prides and protestes so I know a "big" city and I Know I would miserable there.

I chose my house on a whim. That whim being my ex found it and loved it and when my femme girlfriend said "I want this house. Well, we got this house. LUCKILY it is fairly close to CR and IC. While I have only one neighbor (just the right number) who I can see and I live 2 miles from my town of 400 and some I can get to the bigger city in 20 minutes. I work in Iowa City. Isolation is something I can break if I need to or want to.

My suggestion is to seek out employment where you can own rural property but live with in an easy drive to a mid sized city. There is a lot to be said for not so huge metropoliton cities. The midwest, mid sized cities work incredibly hard to create a vibrant social scene. They sponsor art galleries, Artsy Fartsy parts of town for locally owned businesses. Down town enertainment venues etc.

Small town or rural living does not have to mean isolation. It can offer the best of both worlds. When I am done peopling I can drive the 30 or 45 minutes home and see no one from the outiside world if I don't want to. I can sit in silence of my front deck and watch the stars come out.

The internet has opened up the ability to search and explore areas to settle without visiting until you have narrowed the field.

IF my only choice was the big city I think I would seek out neighborhoods where they have an investment in their area. If there are neighborhood gatherings or a clear attempt to share the space as more than just individual homes. In other words, a place where everyone is connected as neighbors and puts time into making it a community. Sometimes pockets of neighbors can create a small town feel within a larger city. It can be nice to know that Carol next door will check on your cats or that Bob down the street waves hello and snowblows the whole side walk just to be nice.

American big cities definitely have these but I don't know how other countries work. Sometimes it is based on sharing an ethnic background but sometimes it is just a lucky gathering of the right types of people.

I know of a few other lesbians in my county. But beyond that all of my friends live within a decent driving distance with two gay bars with in 40 miles. Finding a balance is possible. But it takes research.

Facebook has some pages for rural LGBT+ people to connect and they can be helpful in giving advice on where they live and how it is for them. I bet discord or tumblr might have similar places to "meet" and find out about different regions in your country.