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trashlie · 10 months

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In Which I Demonstrate that Nol Cannot Deny Shinae; the man is down bad

(I need someone to understand HOW CLOSE I cam to titling this “I can’t deny your eyes, you know I try to read between the lines” i’m so sorry i’m so very on my pop-punk bullshit right now)

One of my favorite dynamics of Shinae and Nol as a pairing and just in general part of how they interact is that it has been shown to us time and time again that Shinae has so much more power (for lack of better word lol) over Nol than I think has been given credit for sometimes. I think often people get very caught up in how Nol’s so very torn in his battle of what he wants vs what he thinks he deserves and the hurt that he ends up causing that sometimes they miss what the true root of it is: that though Nol genuinely believes he does not deserve good things as well as he believes harm will befall all those he cares about and thus he should stay away from the people he loves to protect them - he can’t. He fails. He tries over and over, he gave Kousuke his word, he makes the effort to pull away, but in the end he always caves, he always fails.

When it comes to Shinae, his resolve crumbles.

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

It’s such an important dynamic BECAUSE Nol is such a victim of what he believes and has been made to believe it’s hard to get through to him. How do you convince someone that all the abuse that has traumatized him wasn’t true. How do you take someone like him who has been made to feel that he is nothing but a worthless mistake, that he only creates problems, that he is a monster, that he brings doom wherever he goes that it’s not so? Especially with his own father telling him these things, with Kousuke tearing him down at every opportunity, with what happened when he was locked away, with the fact that Yui can, in fact, bring harm. And has?

And yet, despite believing these things, despite internalizing that abuse to the extent that he cannot see anything else - his resolve still crumbles. Shinae has such an effect on him that I think deserves to be talked about, because she sees him when others don’t, she cares for him when others are accustomed to him caring for them, she picks up on these little things without being fully aware of them and in turn, Nol cannot help but want to stay close to pull her closer. And that’s exactly why he has to distance himself from her, from his friends - but we know the harder he struggles, the harder it becomes to maintain his resolve.

I’m a sucker for it! I love watching the war on his face, the expressions that shift, the way he tries to weasel out of situations and ultimately fail because he can’t very well tell her to her face that he can’t be close to her, that he can’t stay her friend. But because he can never draw that boundary, he keeps moving the line in the sand. It doesn’t matter; he always fails in the end.

This dynamic begins really early in! Shinae I think we could argue some other earlier moments also quality, but for this I want to specifically focus on post-formal moments, because I think what I love especially about this dynamic is that Nol has given Kousuke his word, has determined that he put Shinae in danger by taking interest in her and engaging in an indulgent friendship, and that for the sake of protecting her from further harm (and also due to his feelings of guilt) he needs to keep his distance and ease out of his friendship with her.

But post-formal it’s not so easy. Shinae has gone from trying to fend him off to a stick to openly expressing concern for him. She now takes a leaf out his book and reaches out to him - over and over and over.

It would be easy to not call her back. Catch up later and casually brush her off that he had a big family thing, that he fell asleep early. And yet, in the end, he fails and he winds up returning her call. Even though it’s a call for her reassurance, it’s just as much a call for him, taking in her concern for him, that little admission that maybe he is the villain like they think. He has a way of slipping up with Shinae, always confessing something real. She disarms him as much as she pulls him in and GOD I cannot help but adore this dynamic!

Another thing that goes hand in hand with this dynamic is that not only does Nol struggle to maintain that distance and create a berth of space between them, but he also continues to struggle to not go above and beyond for her. Shinae isn’t good at accepting favors or letting people do things for them, and I think if she knew that he completely took the blame for her tardiness in addition to going out of his way to go pick her up, she probably would get pretty annoyed. But as it stands, he does exactly that - not only takes the blame, but goes out of his way to pick her up.

It’s something about his expression after their call, when he looks like he’s torn on what to do, or perhaps torn on what is the best option? Torn on knowing that part of him has already made up his mind he’ll go to her even though he’s trying to convince himself he shouldn’t? He struggles with her at all times and ultimately she always has that effect on him - he just is unable to make himself resist, to NOT go to her, to NOT help her.

(It’s like when he gets mad at how Kousuke is treating her as an employee and calls him out on it! It’s things he doesn’t need to do, but it’s the fact that he can’t help it that betrays how much he cares, how much she affects him, how much he is unable to just walk away.)

Nol definitely seems aware of this, too. The moment he gives her the opportunity, he won’t be able to push that distance, so he tries to take advantage in the moments he can. Finding Shinae in the locker room leaves him the opportunity to sneak out, but unfortunately for him she takes notice of him and stops him in his tracks. Part of it is, of course, what he told Kousuke - that he can’t just suddenly cut her off without explaining why, and it’s difficult to ease things when she’s the one who keeps reaching out now, keeps grabbing on to him.

But again, we see that his undoing is that he cares. He’s never seen her like this and she’s willing to actually open up and talk about what’s bothering him? It’s so unlike her! (I love him telling her she has to use words because he can’t help her otherwise lol)

But what this moment demonstrates is, again, just one of my favorite parts - even when he TRIES to distance himself - he angles himself away from her, body turned away - he always ends up angled right back in. Nol and Shinae have this magnetic draw with each other and even when he makes the effort to turn away from her, he can’t help but be drawn back in, angle right back in to her. It’s something really fun to take note of when you reread, watching the way they just veer in towards each other, drift towards each other.

I’m sure he isn’t aware of it. She sure doesn’t seem to be! It’s just gravitational. Where she is, he will move towards. Where he is, she will drift towards. Their body language conveys that closeness!

For MANY reasons, the moment they share after work, before Shinae starts her shift at the Wac is one of my FAVORITES. I always feel like it’s the clearest representation of this dynamic, too, of how Nol tries to point himself away, tries to push that distance, but he can’t and he even admits why! Nothing will stop him from caring - she has just wormed her way into his life, wormed her way into his heart. He cares about what happens to her, how she’s treated, how she’s doing, how she’s feeling. He cares and he can’t just stop being her friend! He cares and he can’t just pretend he doesn’t.

It must take a lot of effort for him to consciously be aware of this - having to be conscious about turning away from her, of creating that space that’s so hard maintain.

None of it was supposed to be real to matter and yet here he is, helpless against her, unable to stop himself from caring.

To Nol’s credit, we do see him trying to make more effort - but also to his credit, the harder he tries to pull away, the harder Shinae fights. It’s funny and kind of ironic, because he’s one of the reasons she’s trying so hard. He’s the one who has helped her see value in herself and to open up and rely on others, and as a result, she’s practicing all of her new friend skills on him. How is he supposed to keep pushing her away when she’s literally calling him out (because she now knows him well enough to do that!) AND she’s making him talk through things.

Shinae doesn’t want another Alyssa repeat and she’s not going to let Nol get away with just pulling away without an explanation. What else can he do?

I like that’s really surprised he actually stayed - he could have faked a call from Nana that he had to head home, could have found some other excuse. But she demanded he would wait and he gave her his word.

I love them ;A;

Time and time again, she disarms him. Time and time again his resolve is put to the test and fails when it concerns his feelings, how much he cares, what kind of significance she has to him. Shinae saying out loud that their friendship must not have meant anything being the trigger that makes him finally act on what he always denies himself - a hand reaching out to her over and over that never makes contact, that he always talks himself out of finally making contact and pulling her into that tight, clinging embrace. On the one hand, we know it began as fake, that it wasn’t supposed to mean anything and certainly not to him.

But we know it was so real. We know that there was a moment where he went from trying to help Dieter, to trying to help her instead, to befriending her for his own enjoyment. It was all so very real, even if it hurts in the end. It was all so real to him and even if he needs her to be angry at him, even if he (thinks he) needs to walk away and leave all of this behind, he still can’t bear to have her think none of it meant anything, none of it was real, none of it mattered when it mattered so much to him. When it mattered so much that he finally embraced her!!!!!!!

EVEN IN THIS MOMENT! HIS RESOLVE CRUMBLES. And though he’s able to pull himself together enough to do what he set out to do, let’s not forget that it was only because he was reminded her of injury, of what he believes was the culmination of him befriending someone and pulling them into the nightmare wake he leaves where he goes. It was only because he was reminded that she could have been another life taken from him that he was able to walk away.

(And yknow. Proceeded to retch as a result. alfjakfjkafjkafjk)

He goes as far as blocking Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi, because he knows he’ll cave. Because he can’t bear to see their messages, to ignore their calls, to see how much they are trying how hard they are fighting and reaching out, because just like when Shinae questioned if any of it was real, he knows he’ll cave. He has to implement a means of denying himself access to them, to nearly physically block them out.

And yet, in that moment, at a party he doesn’t want to be at on a day he doesn’t want to exist on the eve of him serving time for a crime he doesn’t deserve, he goes and looks at his spam.

He knows what’s in there waiting for him. He knows what he’s going to see.

He still does it, anyway.

And there she is, a message received just now about feelings he feels but thinks he isn’t allowed that he shouldn’t have.

I love this pathetic man, please I need more.

He tries SO hard, even after hearing Shinae’s unprompted love soliloquy heartfelt sentimental explanation of what Nol means to her, to turn his back, but he can’t.

His mother’s words are right there, and though they aimed for Rand, they come to land with him. The world can’t punish you forever. Does he not deserve their love, their friendship, the people who matter to him? Does he not deserve to be left alone by the world, to live his life as much as anyone else?

Even when everything he fears lingers over him - he’ll regret this because nothing good comes of indulging, because nothing good comes from letting them in because not only does it put them in danger but it makes it harder and harder for him.

Like, not to be cheesy but we already know I am so - every time he lets them down, every time he breaks their hearts, he breaks his own, too.

There’s no more fighting it. There’s only them and an empty hospital room, and a rare of sense of peace and calm, his head on her shoulder, finding comforting (literally) leaning on someone for once. For one moment, he grants himself an opportunity to stop trying to be so strong, to give in to seeking comfort.

When she reassures him he’s not at Hirahara Memorial and he actually turns his face in towards the crook of her neck? Allowing himself to indulge in this peace in this comfort in this warmth?

GODDDDDDDD I love it he deserves it I want MORE

And just like that, he’s no longer fighting. I’m including these even though it’s not really a “Nol tried to refrain and failed in the end” because a. we deserve them and b. I think by virtue of Nol acting on his desires and indulging in what he wants while Soushi and Dieter are sleeping in the bed on the other side of them counts enough for this list. Because refraining is no longer on the brain. Because everything Shinae does disarms him and he can’t even pretend to keep the wall up anymore.

Shinae gets so embarrassed about giving him her gift because she feels like it pales compared to what Dieter did, but probably also because there is a sense of sentimentality to it as well, and it doesn’t miss Nol. It’s the fact that it’s their Orange of Fate, what she drew on his face, and the words she uttered when they first met that have now been taken back.

It’s how he went from being told all people suck that she wants no friendship to chasing him outside of his school and fighting so hard for him, calling and texting and trying to reach him, it’s how she took advantage of the opportunity when it presented itself to tell him how she feels and what he means and she got so shy about him seeing this gift and it strikes him so much because he knows what he means to her and she means it, too, she’s that special to him, too

And the hand that earlier in the night reached for the spot she denied him does it once again and this time his fingers are in her hair, this time he’s so close in her space, this time he doesn’t deny himself what he wants and what he wants is to be so close to her, what he wants is to stay in this dream as long as he possibly can

And the most indulgent of them all.

Let’s not pretend this is not for him. Let’s not pretend this is the most indulgently he’s ever acted on what he wants. Shinae outrules fullbody dancing and he’s like oh bet? lmaoooooo

He wants the dance. He wanted it back in Minhyuk’s room before Kousuke showed up and everything went to hell. He wants it now and he’s acting on it. There’s no reason - present in his mind lol - for him to refuse what he wants.

He has refrained SO MUCH. He has refrained for SO LONG. So many times he reached out to her. The dance offer at the Kim formal that Kousuke stared him down into rejecting. Every time he’s felt suffocated by the weight of the world, by the burden of the guilt he carries, by the inherent belief that he’s a monster incapable of providing good, every time he’s been reminded he only brings people pain, every little moment that reminds him he doesn’t deserve any of the things he seeks out, the enjoyment he indulges in. So much of it has weighed him down and in that moment he acts on it

on what he wants

on what he needs

on what he feels

He acts on the feelings that she is special that she brings him comfort that he wants and wants when she’s in his proximity

He acts on the dream from which he’s afraid to wake and he asks her to dance with him

Despite his back injury. Despite the whole night reminding him that pain follows him wherever he goes. Despite their friends sleeping just a bed over.

He gives in and he indulges.

Honorable mention goes to Nol staying outside Shinae’s door at Hirahara Memorial, despite this being a place of trauma and fear for him, despite how much he hates hospitals, despite Kousuke sending him away. It gets honorable mention because I acknowledge part of what compels him to stay outside her door is that he feels so guilty and he needs to see/know for himself that she’s okay - but I think it still counts because of just how compelling it is for him. That this is a person he has grown to care about so much already, a person who we now know he literally is alive for/because, since it was only when he saw her in the pool that he determined he couldn’t stay down there and had to return to the surface to save her, to carry on as Yeonggi for a little longer.

He stays outside her hospital room because he can’t help it.

He could go home, he could change out of his damp clothes, he could crawl into bed and try to forget this whole nightmare of a night, if only for a few hours, but instead he stays outside her room, unable to leave.

At every opportunity, Nol is so compelled by Shinae.

He cannot deny her.

If Shinae wants it, he will ultimately yield it to her like he has his heart.

I’m being good and not including anything from 231 but JUST YOU WAIT FOR THE FOLLOW UP, especially those of you who don’t fast pass. JUST YOU WAIT.

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Stalkyoo #Aegi #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #I would howl in the tags but I've already done my howling throughout this post lmao #this is my FAVORITE Stalkyoo dynamic #i love how Shinae disarms him and he admits little bits of truth #i love how she gets to him in a way no one else has simply by SEEING him #simply by caring about him #because no one else does it like her and when she does it just pierces him #how can he help but want more #how can he help but indulge #how can he help but fall for this person he can never truly turn away from #this person to who he's always drawn #he tries to turn away to face away and next thing he knows his whole body is angled towards her occupying the same space #the way he physically NEEDS to be near her and doesn't always clock it LMAO #WHEN HE PUT HIS FINGERS IN HER HAIR LIKE THAT AFLKJAFAFJLAFJAKLAFKAFJALJAFKJAF #AFLJAFLKJAFLKJFKLJLFAF #AFLJAFLKAJFKAFJAF #I HAVEN'T RECOVERED OKAY #i love him i love them #i love that he cannot deny her he cannot resist her #he has seen the forest for the trees and god they are so majestic god they are so beautiful and fantastical #HOWLS

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bropunzeling · 10 days

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For the director’s cut, literally any part of keep a close eye. Because Sasha 😍

ooh ty :) i'll do a bit from near the beginning:

Sasha’s already had to be in too many rooms this year. Five in ten games, and two to start the season at that. It isn’t the kind of tally he wants to be keeping. [it's always interesting to write a fic set early in a season then see how everyone is doing now haha like, oh they're fine] Technically an A could stand in for him, take his place, but Aaron is out, and Matthew—

Sasha can do it. Matthew does so much for them on the ice. Sasha can watch out for the boys in here. He won’t lay this at Matthew’s feet. [something that i did not have space to fully unpack but loved to hint at was like, in this premise where someone has to observe the winner's room, sasha has been doing this by himself for basically a whole season? i think initially it's like, you know, aaron was out for a while, hornquist was out for the year relatively fast, and it would take a while to trust the new guy with This (even if like. they were kind of in love from the start lmao). so sasha's seen a lot of weird handjobs and blowjobs! it would wear on a person! and also, even now that he does trust matthew, he still doesn't want to put this on matthew, for reasons of the heart :)]

Five times in ten games, and this is the first time that Matthew’s been tapped this season. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes guys have arrangements; sometimes they pick based on who played the best on a losing team; sometimes it’s spite. [one of the fun things about writing a winner's room fic for a same-team-pairing is thinking of all the reasons people who have played the concept a little more straight have thrown guys together] This time—who knows. Seems unlikely it’ll be a grudge. Wrong conference, and everyone kicked Chicago’s ass last year. [rip chicago! sucks to suck!]

Sasha forgot how it felt, though, being in here with Matthew. The way Matthew rubs his hands together as he scans the room, getting out that last bit of energy. [fidgety boy!] The way he goes to sit on the bed pushed up against the wall, rather than stand around in the middle of the room. How his knee bounces as he waits. [this whole fic is obviously themed around observation and what people see versus are not yet ready to see, but i really like this part as a like -- sasha already knows what matthew is like in here. they've had a year of experience, they're really familiar, it's a kind of comfort in a very uncomfortable situation]

For his part, Sasha takes up his habitual spot on the opposite side of the room, where he can lean against the cold, white cinder block wall and have as much of a view as he needs. [again, reinforcing sasha's discomfort and his responsibility to watch through the environment! or at least that's what i was aiming for haha]

Meghan nods at them both, then closes the door.

They wait for a minute, two. Sasha spends those minutes looking around the room, not that he needs to. All winner’s rooms look the same. Same walls, same mats for floors. A bed, a sink and mirror, a small cabinet with CBA-mandated condoms and lube, in case anyone wants to push the time limit and get more creative than a hand or a mouth. A digital clock above the door. [in my beloved pal maggie hopetorun's great great matthew/leon winner's room fic she did an incredible job of describing the physical spaces of the rooms and what would have to be in there; i was probably subliminally influenced by her here lol. but i thought a lot about having a contract mandate how many unexpired condoms you gotta keep on hand.]

There’s never a chair for the captain. Sasha can watch, but he can’t get comfortable. After all, he lost, too. [this just feels like the kind of petty thing this league would do asdkfl]

Now it’s been more than five minutes; getting closer to ten. Longer than usual. Matthew jiggles his knee; folds his hands in his lap; unfolds them and drops them to grab at the cheap, thin sheets that cover a cheap, thin mattress. [again: fidgety boy! but also i just like the repetition of "cheap, thin" here] The bed makes crinkling plastic sounds as Matthew shifts; the mattress protector is cheap, too. The only thing not making noise is Matthew’s mouth. Matthew talks a lot, but it’s different when they’re in here. No point in rehashing the game, no point in strategizing about what they’ll do when they play Columbus, no point in cracking jokes or making easy conversation. [one of the interesting points of like, winner's room fic generally and matthew characterization specifically is like, how would you feel during the anticipatory moments, you know? and it's like (a) matthew doesn't want to talk before the weird sex ritual but also (b) he's comfortable enough with sasha that he doesn't have to chatter away his mild nerves (i'd imagine that you'd never really get over having to do the weird sex ritual no matter how long you've been doing it, if im honest!)]

No point in Sasha saying anything, either. Matthew doesn’t need any reassurances, and Sasha doesn’t know if he would want them. [i mean, he doesn't need them, but he would probably appreciate them coming from you, my guy!]

At eight minutes of waiting, Matthew shifts again. The noise draws Sasha’s eye, and he finds himself making eye contact. Watching as Matthew swallows; as his mouth opens, like he’s going to say something. [i like this moment to serve as reinforcement: matthew fidgeting, sasha watching him, and then the way it functions as a mirror to the eye contact at the end of this particular sex scene -- here, the glance is more like, casually observational and not so fraught, whereas by the end of the scene it packs an emotional punch] [related, but one of the things im proudest of with this fic is like, having such a charged moment (sexually, emotionally) where the two people who are into each other aren't touching each other -- and the vibe is different than, say, a "make someone jealous" premise where presumably the other party is into it, you know? anyway, that was just a really fun thing to play with!]

There’s the noise of someone else punching in the code, of the door swinging open. But Sasha isn’t watching the door, even though he should. [writing sasha for the first time was a little intimidating. i think i landed on a lot of like, sasha having an idea of what he should do (as a captain, leader, friend, guy meant to keep matthew safe in a weird situation, etc.) and the ways in which matthew makes it hard for him to stick to the known contours of his life] Sasha’s watching Matthew, and—

He’s never been sure how to describe it, the change in Matthew’s face. It’s like Matthew slides into someone else, putting on an expression that’s been kept in a box, only to be worn in the room. [i looooove this lil beat. matthew tkachuk man of many faces! one of my most consistent characterization notes for him, because i find it really really fascinating how he plays with image and posturing! especially in the weird sex ritual context. and, of course, sasha noticing all of those different faces, because sasha watches matthew all of the time :)]

#ask meme

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