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#the violent resolution changes are part of the experience <3
un-pearable · 2 years
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he’s gonna make murder legal now!
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sjsmith56 · 7 months
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Here is my master list for Tumblr. All stories except for those noted otherwise are rated PG 13.
One Shots
A Better Choice - AU - Bucky volunteers for a charity to help their Christmas fundraising. Quite fluffy.
Aliens, Androids, and Wizards or The Best First Date Ever - An invasion by the big three interrupts Bucky’s date. Fluff.
Always Bumping Into Each Other - a nanny and her charge bump into Bucky during several dangerous situations. Fluff.
Amends - Bucky makes amends to a young woman whose father was one of his missions.
Another Time - Bucky as the Winter Soldier, experiences breaks in his programming that allows memories to filter through. Some memories are true but some are not.
How I Really Feel About You - Bucky and the Avengers watch Pride and Prejudice. Fluff.
Island Recluse - A woman writer searches for retired Bucky Barnes, to win a $10 million dollar prize.
It’s Been a Long, Long Time - Bucky has a recurring dream of a woman he met in WW2, who died in his arms. Very fluffy.
It Takes Two - AU - Bucky meets a recently divorced woman at the bar, finding they have a lot in common. Fluffy.
Promises Kept - Bucky, visiting a movie set, has issues with the stunt double portraying him.
Resolutions - Friends with benefits becomes something more. New Year’s Eve fluff.
Sergeant Barnes - Set in WW2 when the Howling Commandos have leave at their British base. Bucky prepares for a dance.
The Gift - AU - The Winter Soldier experiences his only Christmas as an individual with the Avengers before Bucky’s missing soul is reunited with him.
The Old Familiar Places - Bucky Barnes is impressed with a Broadway performer on opening night and shows up every night to hear her sing I’ll Be Seeing You. Fluffy.
Torn Stocking - Bucky helps a woman at the Stark Expo dance the night before he ships out. Fluffy.
Which Bucky Am I Writing Today? - a Bucky Barnes fanfic writer receives “help” from three different Bucky’s on her WIP.
Multi-part short fiction and long fiction
Away Mission - 4 part story. Bucky cuts all ties with the Avengers and his girlfriend, Sloan, deliberately keeping them in the dark when he is asked by Nick Fury to undertake a dangerous undercover mission. Each part has alternate POV between Sloan and Bucky.
Chance Encounter - coming soon. 3 part story (plus a small Drabble) of an act of courtesy leading to a major revelation for Bucky that will change his life.
Complicated - 3 part story of Bucky giving a ride to a runaway bride, that gets complicated.
Customer Service - 2 part story. Bucky shows up at the store where his ex-girlfriend works to return something. When Sam asks for help in buying Bucky a suit she helps him out. Angst and fluff.
Dates - 3 part story of Bucky meeting who is now living in his old apartment and goes on a first date, a second double date, then a third date needs help to happen. Fluff.
Eyes of the Father - coming soon. 30 part story beginning with Bucky on the run after the fall of HYDRA, a chance meeting with a woman writer, then their long-distance relationship. Rated for readers aged 18+ only. Some sexual content, violence, angst.
Finding Jade - 3 years after Thanos, another alien species invades Earth. The remaining Avengers rescue a telepathic woman who has an idea of how to defeat the Others. Rated for readers aged 18+ only. Sexual content.
Lord Buchanan - AU Lord Buchanan, born as James Buchanan Barnes, in the Kingdom of the Broken Lands, offers a young woman from a modern universe who has suddenly appeared his protection. Rated for readers aged 18+ only. Sexual content. Violent battles.
The Fae Elements - coming soon. Five part story. Bucky Barnes as a fae king in the modern world courting an environmental lawyer. The dark fae want her as well.
We Danced - 3 part story, Bucky meets a woman in Washington, reconnect in Paris then in New York, realizing they have something special. Mild sexual content.
You Get What You Need - Avengers AU. 2 part story. Bucky’s former girlfriend had a baby, and is now dying. A Bruce Banner medical treatment using Steve’s blood to recreate the serum is her only chance to survive.
Collections
From There to Here - Bucky Barnes One Shots - Collection of one shots with a common thread. Bucky’s past is explored with occasional present-day episodes of his courtship of a librarian.
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humanecosystem · 1 year
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Taking a step back and learning to deal with environmental crisis, nihilism
How do you handle the prospect of doom, of environmental catastrophe? As young people, how do we make our way through the world in good conscious and maintain a healthy mindset?
I recently watched a 5-episode series of The Great Simplification podcast with Nate Hagens that features the fascinating Daniel Schmachtenberger, a social philosopher and founder of The Consilience Project. One of these episodes (linked below) gets deep into experiences of youth, of personal struggles in coping with all the bad things that are normalized in society, including the problems that threaten our future. As we grow up and realize how screwed up everything is, the question of what we do next is paralyzing. 
Daniel details his own journey growing up and facing the world with blunt honesty. For Daniel, myself, and other young people, nihilism is a logical resolution for coping with violent, doomful realities. This kind of spiraling nihilistic thought, which is egged on nowadays with social media algorithms, can lead to very dark places. I have spent time in the trenches of depression and practiced means of escape, trying out mindfulness techniques with varying levels of success. One thing Daniel says, though, has helped me understand a new way out of negative spirals: we can work with our deep feelings of nihilism to discover purpose in life. 
When we recognize the devastating implications of climate change, habitat destruction, ocean acidification, our emotions are complicated. We are affected, to some degree, by the endangerment of species, by pollution of our air, land, and sea, and by existential fears of what the future will look like. 
We feel these effects most deeply when we have experienced the power of nature– the serenity and beauty it provides. The more benefits we receive, and the more we are mindful of these benefits, the more it can hurt us to see humanity haphazardly chugging along. 
Here is the revealing thing: If we believe enough in the sacred qualities of nature to be crushed by its calculated destruction, this is enough to prescribe oneself a duty to cherish and protect nature by whatever means possible. Assessing our emotions, practicing mindfulness and critical thinking are the best way to come to recognize what drives us (as well as what triggers us into negative thought spirals.) 
Avoiding social media and resisting the algorithm, reducing our consumption of resources in small ways, planting native species, supporting small farms and agriculture, contributing to wildlife conservation efforts… these are just some ways we can exercise our power to create positive change. Mindfulness of our connections to and relationships with the natural world is the most powerful fulcrum for knowing what to do. 
After listening to this episode, I began an exercise in mindfulness and gratitude. What does nature provide for me? 
I am grateful for the oceans and their waves and tides, and being able to swim in clean water. 
I am grateful for the colors of foliage, lush plants, and grass– the subtle regional differences in shades of green. 
I am grateful for biodiversity, how it yields strong crops, resilient populations, and cultural richness.
I am grateful for delicious vegetables and fruits of all kinds.
I am grateful for the smells of fresh air, of salty ocean air, and of rain.
I am grateful for the earth, geology and the fascinating compositions of natural landscapes.
I am grateful for the serenity that nature provides, and for the privilege to remove oneself from the built environment.
I am grateful for the knowledge of other modes of life, not just of humans across biomes but of other species, patterns and modes of survival.
I recommend making your own list, and use it to practice mindfulness and gratitude. Shifting focus to our benefits can help ground us, and grant us perspective in the midst of our complex environmental crisis.
This video is part 3 of the 5-part series, and if you have the time and mental bandwidth, I cannot recommend it enough.
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cattywompus1 · 1 year
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Food Poisoning and Toxic People
I had a lot of time this morning to reflect over my decisions made throughout the year. Granted, it was around 04:30 with stabbing cramps in my gut as I voided my bowels in the most violently disgusting way we humans can. The night before, I had eaten some venison...which in and of itself can be a lovely experience. It’s delicious, lean, and goes wonderfully with a mushroom leek gravy and some cranberry sauce. No. The problem laid in the fact that it was my friend’s first time cooking a deer that he’d hunted, so he didn’t know that you should never have wild game anything less than well-done for safety concerns. I knew that he was inexperienced, but accepted the plate of venison smothered in the aforementioned gravy. Ravenous as I was, I didn’t notice that the meat was a smidge on the...red...side for about half of my meal. My bad. At this point, I decided to sleuth around in the kitchen to see what I could find. Lo and behold, I found the leg joint that the meat had been carved from...VERY undercooked and rather red, with deep red juices nearly overflowing from the pan. This boy had fucked up. I had fucked up by not checking when I knew that he was new to this. At this point, I should have stopped eating entirely and had a chaser of Pepto Bismol to ease my passage...but no. No, I decided to be stubborn and finish cooking my portion in the microwave. A free lesson to everyone who may eventually read this: While you may cook the meat by doing this, if it’s been sitting out for a long while or if the food was contaminated during the preparation process to begin with prior to cooking, you will still have problems. This is because, while the heat will kill the bacteria, it will do nothing for the toxins the bacteria have already produced, which is what will make you feel ill. I mean, at least the bacteria are dead and are no longer around to make more toxins or wreak havoc on your intestinal flora, but the problem of the toxins still exists. But, yes, I decided to be stubbornly polite and finish my plate and “Of course I’ll have more, it’s delicious!”. So yes. Poor decisions made by past Cattywompus came to bite the then present Cattywompus in the ass...quite literally. This went on for hours. Plenty of time for self hatred and introspection. New Years Resolution: Don’t be so polite you find yourself shitting out half of your digestive tract at the asscrack of dawn. Sounds like a promising resolution. We’ll see how we do. 
So how does this factor in toxic people (see title)? Well, during my introspection upon the porcelain throne, I thought about a toxic friend who I think (hope) has finally gotten the hint that our relationship is over. It was a friendship I’d had for years. Nearly a decade now. Unfortunately, I’m a bit of a pushover and people pleaser (I’ve gotten better! Kind of!), so this relationship mostly consisted of a LOT of give and very little take. A non-exhaustive list includes: always rescheduling around their plans, making time several times a week for 3 hour phone calls (dialed that back quick once pharmacy school started), spending 7/8 of those phone calls just listening and the other 1/8 being picked apart for what I had to say, my opinions never really being taken into account, being picked apart about my appearance (clothes, weight, hair, teeth), always being the one giving rides, always being the one to pay when we went out, being unable to talk about differences in beliefs (they are very much a “my way or the highway” in ALL matters sort of person), etc. So, yeah. It wasn’t pleasant. I spent years weaning them off of me, as a dependence on my presence had formed. I had seen a small part of me in them and tried to help them figure shit out because it would have been great to have that at one point...but now I see that they allowed those aspects of themself to continue onward despite the many opportunities to grow and change. We may have had some similarities...but I had made the effort to learn and adapt and move past the bullshit (perhaps another story for another time, but probably not, lol, it’s a bit too heavy for an online forum). So I’ve let them go. And while the process has been painful and I feel a little guilty, it’s also quite freeing.
As I sat on the toilet this morning, experiencing something that no living being wants to experience, I was hit with a bit of clarity: Getting rid of a toxic person is like dealing with food poisoning. You feel really bad around this person and experience pain and distress. You know that you have to purge them from your life and you know it’s gonna suck ass (heh), but you know that you’ll feel sooooo much better once they’re gone. It’s gonna burn, it’s gonna stink, and it’s gonna be an overall shitty experience (snort)...but you’ll feel so much better once you rehydrate and move on. This time, you’ll be a little bit wiser to the kinds of people that you can’t stomach being around. And you’ll know to not eat fucking undercooked venison, goddamnit.
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I deeply appreciate how ATLA depicts all the main characters responses to trauma. Aang’s, for me, however, stands out for its rareness in media. And we are not hammered over the head with the idea that Aang (or any other characters) repeatedly act certain ways because of a single traumatic event. Sure, there are key moments in our lives when a certain event comes to the forefront, but no one experiences the world as constant flashbacks. Rather, we see only in retrospect the way our sarcastic sense of humor or our heightened friendliness were protective responses to a deep emotional injury. Being able to understand Aang’s approach to loss is essential for the show. The structure of the series is founded on his arc (despite an incredible foil provided by Zuko). Our little air nomad initially confronts the loss of his people with a full-on meltdown in the episode “The Southern Air Temple,” where Katara’s offering of familial belonging soothes him. But this kind of outburst is not Aang’s primary response (and actually the literally out-of-character apocalyptic tantrums align with Aang’s overall process of grieving). Instead of constantly brooding (hey Zuko!), Aang leans heavily toward the monk’s pacifist teachings and toward his assumed destiny “to save the world.” He becomes overtly accommodating and joyful, constantly trying to see “the good” in everything with a perfectionist’s zeal. This is not to ascribe his bubbliness only to his trauma. Rather, he comes to emphasize this part of his personality for reasons related to the negative emotions he struggles to face.  Book 1: Water
In the first season, Aang is simply rediscovering his place in the world. “Water is the element of change. The people of the water tribe are capable of adapting to many things. They have a sense of community and love that holds them together.” This is vital to Aang as he initially faces his experience. He won’t get through this if he is not prepared for his life to change. Even if he hadn’t been frozen for 100 years, his world would never be the same. This fact involves eventually finding new people that he feels safe with. After such a massive loss, he’s learning who to trust, and also often making mistakes; not only does he find Sokka and Katara (and I’d argue he’s actually slow to truly open up to them), this is the season where he helps save a fire nation citizen who betrays him to soldiers, befriends the rebel extremist Jet, and attempts to befriend an actively belligerent Zuko (his moral complexity had only JUST! been revealed to the kid!). He’s constantly offering trust to others and seeking their approval in opposition to the deep well of shame and guilt he carries as a survivor of violence. This is also the season where Aang swears off firebending after burning Katara in an overeager attempt to master the element (one will note how fire throughout the series is aligned with, above all else, assertiveness and yang). Aang is so eager to be seen as morally good to others that he refuses to risk any possible harm to them.  And asserting himself carries a danger, in one sense, that he might make a mistake and lose someone’s positive regard, and, in another sense, that he is replicating the anger and violence he’s witnessed. He has no relationship to his anger at this stage of his grief, so it comes out uncontrollably, both in firebending and the Avatar State. It’s through the patience of his new family that he can begin to feel unashamed about his past and about the ways his shame is finding (sometimes violent) expression in the present. Book 2: Earth In the second season he begins to trust himself and stand his ground. Earth, after all, is the element of substance, persistence, and endurance. The “Bitter Work” episode encapsulates how Aang must come to a more sturdy sense of his values. First, there is the transition of pedagogical style. While Katara emphasized support and kindness, Toph insists on blunt and threatening instruction, not for a lack of care towards Aang. Instead, it’s so Aang learns how to stop placing the desires of others above his own--to stop accommodating everyone else above his own needs. Toph taunts Aang by stealing one of the few keepsakes from the monastery that he holds onto. This attachment to the lost airbending culture is echoed in the larger arc with Appa. And, by the end of this episode, it is Aang’s attachment to Sokka that allows him to stand firm. This foreshadows the capital T Tragic downfall in the “Crossroads of Destiny.” Aang gives up his attachment to the other member of his new found family, Katara, despite his moral qualms. Although he has access to all the power of the Avatar state, his sacrifice is not rewarded. Season 2 illustrates Aang coming to terms with his values. He is learning about what he stands for, what holds meaning to him. Understanding himself also includes integrating his grief, and there’s a lonely and dangerous aspect to that exploration. We see Aang’s anger and hopelessness over longer stretches rather than outbursts in this season. It’s hard to watch and hard to root for him. That depressive state leads to actions that counter his previous sense of morality, as he decisively kills an animal, treats his friends unkindly, and blames others for his loss. Letting these harsher feelings emerge is an experiment, and most people discover their boundaries by crossing them. Finding ways to hold compassion for himself, even the harm he causes others, is the other side of this process. Our past and our challenging emotions are a part of us, but they are only a part. Since Aang now has a strong sense of community and is learning to be himself rather than simply seeking validation, we also see him having more healthy boundaries with new people. He’s no longer befriending villains in the second season! He’s respectful and trusting enough, but he’s not putting himself in vulnerable situations nor blindly trusting everyone. Instead, he’s more likely to listen to his friends’ opinions or think about how the monks might’ve been critical towards something (they’re complaints about Ba Sing Se, for example). By knowing what he cares for, he can know himself, the powerful, loving, grief-struck monk. And he can trust that, though he might not be everyone’s favorite person, he does not need to feel ashamed or guilty for who he is or what he’s been through. Book 3: Fire However, despite a sense of self and a sense of belonging, Aang and the group still find themselves constantly asking for permission throughout their time in Ba Sing Se. It’s in the third season, Fire, that initiative and assertiveness become the focus. And who better to provide guidance in this than the official prince of “you never think these things through,” Zuko. It’s no longer a time for avoidance or sturdy defensiveness. It is the season of action. Fire is the element of power, desire, and will, all of which require us to impact others.  We see the motif of initiative throughout the season: the rebels attempt to storm the Firelord on the Day of the Black Sun; Aang attempts to share his feelings and kiss Katara; Katara bends Hama and a couple of fire nation soldiers to her will. In each of these examples, the initiators face disgrace. Positive intent does not bring forth success, by any means, only more consequences to be dealt with. This is perhaps Aang’s biggest challenge. He is afraid that his actions will fail, or worse, they will succeed but he will be wrong in what he has chosen. The sequencing in the series, here, is important. We have already seen how Aang has worked to care for (and appreciate) the well-being of others and how he has learned to care for his own needs. With this in mind, he should be able to trust that his actions will derive from these wells of compassion. But easier said than done. Compassion can also trap him into indecision, hearkening back to his avoidant mistake in the storm, in which the whole mess began. Aang’s internal conflict, here, becomes more pronounced as the finale draws nearer. I think it’s especially significant that we witness Aang disagreeing with his mentors and friends. He must act in a way that will contradict and even threaten his sources of support if he is to trust his own desires. Even the fandom disagrees about the choice Aang makes, which further highlights the fact that making a decisive choice is contentious. There is no point in believing it will grant you love or admiration or success. For someone who began (and spent much of) the series regularly sacrificing himself just to bring others peace, Aang’s decision to prioritize his own interests despite the very explicit possibility of failure is the ultimate growth his character can have and the ultimate representation of him processing his trauma. (This arc was echoed and made even more explicit in many ways with Adora in the She-ra finale.) The last significant time Aang followed his desire, in his mind, was when he escaped the Air Temple in the storm. To want something, to trust his desire and act on it, is an act of incredible courage for him, and whether it succeeded or failed, whether anyone agrees or disagrees with it, it offered Aang a sense of peace and resolution. Now I appreciate and love Zuko’s iconic redemption arc, but Aang’s subtler arc, which subverts the “chosen one” narrative and broke ground to represent a prevalent emotional experience, stands out to me as the foundation for the show I love so much.
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a-lil-bi-furious · 3 years
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Scisaac :D
oof, thank you for this ask, and I am so sorry this took so long to respond. It’s finals season and I grossly underestimated how much I have to do 😅 But here it is, in all it's (hopefully understandable) rambling glory: Scisaac
*aggressively hits ship button* 
1) What made you ship it?
I’ve been on the Scisaac train for a looooong time now. When I was first watching Teen Wolf, during my own very teen-y but non-wolfy years, I don’t think I actually started to ship them until a bit into 3A. When I re-watched the show, though, that scene in the club with “No, I mean you. I don’t want you to get hurt.” had me as done for as Isaac. (There’s this lovely gif set someone made, too, that’s just a close up on their hands during the syringe hand-off, and all the subtle, soft finger brushing makes me go feral.) Anyway, that scene was the shipping spark, but it wasn’t really what established Scisaac as an important relationship to me.
For me, the scene in the clinic with the dog (in 2x11 “Battlefield”) is what really cemented that. It’s funny, because this scene really isn’t a shipping scene, right? This is a learning moment which focuses more on resident-mentor Alan Deaton extending to Isaac the opportunity to learn how to use his abilities for something other than anger and power. And I love it so much for that! But the interaction between Scott and Isaac makes me weak. Because you’ve got Isaac--this jaded, abused kid who holds a lot of resentment and fear and accepted the bite, most likely, to feel like he had some modicum of control in his life and the strength to not feel helpless anymore, and in the end externalized all of that rage--experiencing this moment of raw vulnerability with two people who, by all counts, should want nothing to do with him. And we can talk about how that moment in the club was probably one of the first times anyone has shown genuine concern for Isaac’s well-being (and how this act of kindness was coming from someone he’s been hostile to) in who knows how long, but what about the first moment Isaac acts in compassion and tenderness? How long has it been since he considered himself capable of feeling something that wasn’t pain, fear, or that deep seated fury which swallows everything else? How long has it been since Isaac knew any language other than violence? For a moment he’s cracked open and everything is overwhelming and rather than using his hands as weapon and shield, he’s using them to heal. He cries, and for a moment he’s even startled--maybe scared. And what does Scott do? He immediately offers a point of connection and consolation (“It’s okay, I cried the first time he showed me, too.”)
Scott has this heart which is (sometimes dangerously) open and exposed. He cares and he believes so deeply in humanity and goodness that even when he’s spent weeks(?) fighting Isaac, distrusting Isaac, he’s also been worrying about Isaac. And the way Scott acts in this scene is so soft and curious as he’s standing by, watching. It’s like he’s just been waiting for Isaac to let his guard down just enough to step outside of what Derek’s been teaching him (about anger and control, just like he did Scott). And he gets this tiny little smile on his face as he watches it happen, because I can imagine he knows almost exactly how Isaac is feeling. Scott presents it differently and he often buries it down, but he’s angry too. All the time, at so many things, but he chooses to channel his energy into helping other people. And seeing Isaac, who up until this moment has mostly shown animosity and apathy, brought to tears when he learns he can take pain from others just proves to Scott that the tenderness pays off, that caring heals. Everyone is capable of kindness if they choose it, and to watch Isaac open himself up a little bit to that option--one that hasn’t been available to him for a long time--is incredibly rewarding. It just was such a warm, vulnerable, and genuine exchange between all three of them, and given how closed off Isaac is it was a significant indicator of the safety he was starting to feel around Scott. 
2) What are your favorite things about the ship?
re: above, my favorite thing about this ship is how tender and vulnerable each of them can be with the other (in their own ways) and how they challenge each other in ways they both really need. Scott encourages Isaac to turn away from aggression as a solution and to focus more on others, on compassionate and peaceful forms of resolution. (It’s uhhh....a work in progress.) Scott softens Isaac in a way I think he really needs. Conversely,  Isaac challenges Scott in ways he really needs. Isaac encourages him to place more focus on himself and actually attend to his needs. And also? I just think they would have fun, because Isaac = trouble and Scott 100% enjoys shenanigans more than he acts like he does. He’s a little shit at heart, and I’m here for Isaac encouraging that.
Also, I think their relationship has a good balance because they’re very different people, but I think that they have some points of relation that run deep in ways many people wouldn’t understand. For one thing, I think that Scott has a foundation of understanding for Isaac’s experience of childhood abuse and how this informs his behavior. This is entirely up to interpretation because the show never specified beyond the time Rafael accidentally(?) pushed Scott down the stairs, but even if Scott didn’t experience physical abuse outside of this incident, it’s pretty clear that Rafael is an angry, violent drunk and that the relationship in that home was toxic and (judging by his interactions with Scott and Melissa) likely emotionally abusive. It probably wasn’t always that way; it wasn’t always that way for Isaac either. The abuse that Isaac endured was different and more severe (at least in a physical sense), and whereas Scott’s dad left when he was ten, Isaac was stuck with his dad until the kanima killed him. But I think that experience of living in a home that doesn’t feel safe is something they both share. Isaac’s initial reaction seems to be to run away or retreat when he’s unsafe, but Scott’s is to make it a safe place. I could ramble on and on, but what I’m getting at is just that I think even with extremely different personalities and ideologies, they’d be able to understand each other in very specific, personal ways and help each other cope. I’m also a huge sucker for the fact that Isaac showed up on the McCall’s doorstep and that Scott’s home literally became his home--but, really, Scott became his home. And rather than run or hide when things are scary, he defends his home now (metaphorical and physical) and keeps building it up again. (And yeah, sometimes defense means beating a guy he already hated senseless over Scott not healing and then Scott probably being less than pleased about it, but it’s a learning curve okay?)
3) Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? 
I’m not sure what the general opinions are on this ship, especially now. But the most unpopular opinion I probably have is about Isaac’s temperament. A lot of people have a tendency to kind of take aforementioned softness and turn Isaac into a very gentle, sweet, puppy-like character, which I just don’t think is realistic. Really and truly, Isaac’s a sarcastic asshole with anger issues and not a whole lot of tact. And, though I tend to think he softens up quite a bit with Scott, I don’t think that changes the nature of his behavior, if that makes sense? I actually think part of the reason Isaac is a good match for Scott in the first place is because he’s this way. Scott has a tendency to ignore his own needs, which often means his wellbeing suffers. Isaac’s the kind of person to point out the bullshit, no sugar-coating, and stubbornly counter Scott’s attempts to excuse his own self-neglect at every turn. Isaac is loyal and caring, yes, but he’s pushy and aggressive about it. And I honestly think Scott needs a partner who won’t put up with his self-sacrifice; he needs someone who’s going to be persistent, because Scott also tends to be pretty obstinate.
In conclusion, I love them your honor. 
(Send me a ship and I’ll ramble about why I do/don’t ship it!)
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writersrealmbts · 3 years
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Treasured Hoard: Part 4
Part 3
Description: Dragon Hoseok! You’re spelunking when you come across a dragon, and suddenly your life is a lot more complicated as he adds you to his hoard.
Warnings: Not really
Posted: 02/18/2021
Tags: Dragon!Hoseok, Shapeshifter!Hosoek, Hoseok X Reader
Mostly Fluff: 1,541 words
A/N: Got stuck in Clearwater Springs and the one person who acknowledged my questions said they’d like for my to post something in it’s place. So, in honor of Hobi’s birthday, have another dragon hobi piece.
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“Ok.”
You looked up from your book, still a little sleepy. “Hmm?”
“Ok. We can go outside. Together for now, but we can go outside.” Hoseok looked nervous, but resolute.
You glanced at your book. “Now?”
“Well…if you don’t want—”
“Okay, just let me grab my shoes just in case I want them—and a jacket! And pants!” You scrambled toward your room, unable to stop the grin as it all settled into you. You were going outside!
Hoseok looked dazed and nervous when you came back out, eyeing your messenger bag with suspicion.
“For snacks and books!” You explained giddily, running to your kitchen area and grabbing some stuff to quickly make some sandwiches and snacks then hurrying back to him. “Okay, I’m ready!”
Hoseok looked frozen.
You grabbed his hand and shook it violently. “Sunlight! Me, you, and sunlight! We can read! Do you have your book?”
He shook his head.
You groaned and ran to find his book, putting it in your bag and then rushing over. “Okay. We’re ready.”
He was just staring at you, looking terrified.
“Hobi? I’m not going to leave you. You’re my best dragon friend,” You reassured him, taking his hand again. “I’m just really happy to go outside with you.”
Hoseok slowly nodded. “Right. Okay. I need to…change.”
You nodded, backing up so he could shift into a dragon.
He was a really cool dragon, everything you’d imagined a dragon to look like—but better and cooler and handsomer. You hadn’t even known that a dragon could be handsome until you met Hoseok. You loved the way his scales shone in the light, and the varying shades of green in his scales—the darker scales fading to a pale green on his underbelly. You could only imagine how magnificent he would be in the sunlight.
“You’re magnificent,” You whispered, then hurried to climb up onto his back as he seemed to get bashful.
Hoseok was moving sort of jerkily, stiff as he started walking toward the big chamber opening, but after a moment he took off and he was smooth and graceful as he shot through the cave and up through the opening….
And into the sunshine, among the trees and the sky, and birds and life and the rest of the world.
But the sunlight on your skin, the warmth of it…it was heavenly.
And then there was the whole experience of flying.
The wind, the rush, the way your stomach seemed to float inside you and move around as he swooped up to the sky and then down toward the ground.
He landed, craning his head back to look at you, as if worried.
You grinned at him and slid down. “That was so cool. Oh my gosh! IT’s such a pretty day! Do you know any good places for reading?”
He shook his head, then shifted into human form. “I haven’t really done any reading out here.”
“Alright, then we’ll find a spot together!” You took his hand and tugged him along, grinning at every tree, every fluttering leaf, every dappled shadow on the ground, because sunlight and nature was beautiful.
“This makes you really happy,” He murmured, and you just barely heard it.
You paused, turning toward him. “It does. You trusting me and bringing me out here...it makes me very, very happy. Elated.”
“Elated,” He repeated, hints of a smile coming through.
“Now, I want to settle in a spot where we’re in the shade but with the sun nearby in case we get a chill. I just don’t want to get a sunburn.”
“Sunburn?”
You eyed him and his pretty golden skin. “Ah. Right. You probably don’t burn. I do. My skin gets red and it hurts and feels like I’m on fire and then it itches and peels and there are only temporary solutions for relieving the pain. Very unhappy. Plus it can cause issues in humans as they get older, like skin cancer and aging spots.”
“Shade. Got it. There’s a nice clearing over that way.” He pointed.
You nodded and bounced that way. “This book I’m reading is really good. You have the rest of the series, right?”
“Yeah, it’s one of my favorites. I like this book that you recommended for me, too. I like how the dragons are portrayed. It’s very similar to us,” He said, almost shyly.
“I know it’s a little bit of a girly book,” You said. “I grabbed the other book you were reading as well since they’re together.”
“It’s intriguing, any sort of work that has dragons in it,” Hoseok answered. “It’s interesting to see how they’re portrayed.”
“Is it really similar to how dragons actually are?”
He nodded. “Somewhat. I mean, each dragon has different values so their hoard is different. I’m sort of eclectic for collecting anything that catches my interest. My uncle mostly collected books, so he also collected bookshelves--which are similar to your kitchen boxes--”
“Cabinets. I know what bookshelves are, we have them in our home, remember?”
“Right. A friend of mine picked up my eclectic tendencies and collects multiple things, but he really likes wood and bonsai trees. My sister collects cars and motorcycles.”
You tilted your head. “Hobi?”
“Yes?”
“What did you do with my car?”
He turned sheepish. “Uh…”
You sighed. “Did she like my car?”
He nodded. “She didn’t have that model yet.”
You nodded. “I might have some things in it still.”
“We can visit sometime. She wanted to see my newest treasure anyway,” Hoseok said lightly, as though he wasn’t suggesting taking you to meet his sister, whom you hadn’t known existed until a few seconds ago.
“Can all dragons shift into a human form?”
“No. It can be taught, but not everyone can do it, and there are also very few people who would want to do it. My mother still freaks out about having laid an egg instead of having a humanoid child,” Hoseok answered thoughtfully. “I’ve heard tell of a dragon whose father is a were-cat, and he can shift through all three forms. Collects bells. Or so I’m told. And then there’s a dragon far to the north that’s part werewolf, and he can and will shift into all three. People joke about him collecting balls. I want to meet him someday. I’m curious as to what he’ll be like.”
“And your father collects gold?”
“Yes. My grandmother collects silver, and my grandfather collects jewels. They’re more traditional dragons, though, and that doesn’t exactly mean that they’ve never had different things in their collection. My father used to collect lamps and lights before switching to gold when he discovered the old hoard of a dragon that had died. My grandfather started out collecting glassware, but he kept accidentally breaking it. My mother was the one who turned him to jewels, actually. She pointed out that many jewels had the same sort of gleam that he loved so much in glass, but were all much sturdier and less prone to breaking. His first jewel was one that matched the color of my grandmother’s scales. She was very flattered.”
“Right, that’s another thing I was wondering--are scale colors inherited, or just a matter of fate?”
He considered it for a while. “Well, my sister has purple scales. I have green. My father has blue. My grandmother is blue. My grandfather is a burgundy color. My mother, when she makes herself into a dragon, is pink--much to her chagrin. She said she wanted to be a blue or green or something darker. But she’s very pink. Like your sweatshirt, but just a shade paler.”
“Really? Pink?”
“The other witches would mock her if they weren’t still in awe of her ability to change into a dragon. Or, so she says,” Hoseok admitted with a shrug.
You paused, looking around the clearing and nodded in satisfaction. “This looks perfect.”
He nodded, following you to an area and sitting with you, accepting both of his books quietly.
“See, isn’t this nice?” You asked quietly. “The sunshine, our books, and us.”
He smiled softly. “It is nice.”
You wiggled to get more comfortable, then tucked into your book and rested your head on his shoulder as he seemed to settle with his book. You knew how important it was for him to take you outside of the safety of his caves, how important it was that you make him understand that you wouldn’t be leaving him.
Because you knew that you had no intention of leaving him. You liked living with him. Throughout the migration, he’d let you explain more about your human life and he was doing better about a lot of things, but he still didn’t know a lot. And he’d been more relaxed around you, letting his habits slip loose of the tight rein he’d held. You loved his sound effects and the way he would say things cutely, and his volume just filled the caves and made them less lonely. He was fascinated by the dishes you cooked.
He was fascinating.
Plus, it honestly felt like he considered your smile payment enough for anything. And he made you smile more and more each day.
He was your treasure, almost as much as you were his.
Part 3  ~  Part 5
Masterlist ~ Hoseok Masterpost
Tagging: @alex--awesome--22​  @missmoxxiesworld​  @bryvada​ @knjhe​  @i-dont-even-know-fck​
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readyplayerhobi · 4 years
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Flower | 17
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; Hoseok x Reader
; Genre: Angst, very slight fluff
; Word Count: 6k
; Warnings: Emotional breakdown, depiction of a panic/anxiety attack, in depth discussion/description of depression, brief mentions of suicide, lack of self-worth, self-hatred, self-doubt, dissociation
; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?
; A/N: I haven’t proof read because...well I don’t really want to re-read it. So forgive me for any mistakes! It’s early by a day because I’ve missed a few weeks so I want you all to have something on what is a rainy night here in England <3
PLEASE make sure to read the warnings on this one. This chapter is very hard hitting for anyone who has suffered depression/anxiety. I put myself back in the position I was in last year when I had my own breakdown and I know people have said before that I write in a way that makes you feel what the character is feeling. Therefore, please don’t read if you’re going to be affected by the warnings! And please also be kind if you don’t agree with the way I depicted this. This is how my own depression and anxiety affected me, only I didn’t have a Hoseok in my life. The experiences the reader goes through in this are the ones I personally have experienced. It’s still a reader insert, don’t worry. She after all has a lot of things I don’t, and I’m also okay, so don’t worry on that front either! If you feel upset about anything after reading this, please consider reaching out to friends, family, professionals or a helpline that specialises in it!
And remember throughout everything...you’re not alone! You’re not worthless and you are loved. <3
-
Leaning against the railing outside your work building, you let out a deep and heavy sigh as you read through the email you’d just received. It’s a rejection email. The third rejection email you’d received today and the twenty-third you’d received in two weeks.
After an in-depth talk with your parents and support from Chungha, Soyeon and Hoseok, you’d decided to finally try and get that career change you’d always wanted. Though you’d pointed out that you didn’t know what you wanted from life anymore.
You didn’t know what you wanted full stop. 
One of the things that you’d been most afraid of when you’d realised that your relationship with Hoseok was turning into something genuine and real, had been what was going to come after. Not in terms of breaking up, though that did terrify you as well, but how your mental state was going to cope.
You’d tried to explain it to the girls a few times in an effort to get them to understand what went on in your rollercoaster of a mind, and you’d clumsily told Hoseok a few months ago. Or you’d tried at least. 
Talking about your emotions wasn’t easy for you and the fear of being too honest about something so crippling with someone who meant so much to you already had scared you away from telling him too much. Your mind had balked at it, afraid that if he found out just how bad you got sometimes that he might just leave before he got in too deep.
So you’d given him a very bare bones explanation of what happened to you sometimes. He probably didn’t think too much of it at the moment as you’d been pretty cheerful throughout the start of your relationship; the bliss of him overriding any of your deep seated depression and anxieties.
Hoseok was obviously aware that you suffered from anxiety and had been very caring in regards to that, but it was entirely different to be with someone in the grip of a depressive episode. Your form of depression could almost be charted, it was that easy to see what was coming, and you’d been so afraid for the last few weeks.
The lethargy and disinterest that associated itself so strongly with your depression had been creeping back into your life slowly. It had frightened you, but you just didn’t know how to combat it. Doing things that were big or made you extremely happy always seemed to come with a huge cost, and the cost was unfortunately your mental health.
Every single time you felt exhilarating highs in your emotions, the feelings so joyful and euphoric from your excitement and pure happiness, you suffered a plunging crash afterwards that often felt like it sucked the joy out of your life. It was something you’d tried to cope with for years now, and sometimes you could go months upon months without feeling like it was affecting you.
But the happiness of finding Hoseok and all of the early stages of your relationship, from the first kiss to sex and meeting your parents, had finally waned. The last few weeks had the deep sense of unhappiness that plagued your negative moods spreading quickly.
It had started as usual with the slowly losing interest in going out; the energy you’d once had to be social outside of your apartment dying until the idea of anything other than work or grocery shopping was too much effort. Then had come the lack of interest in anything.
You’d always found it hard to see that you were slipping, only recognising it properly when you would realise that you’d been laid on your bed or the couch for hours on end, doing nothing at all. Any attempts to find something to watch on television failed as your brain couldn’t find anything interesting enough to keep it’s attention, games sat unplayed as you couldn’t find the energy to turn them on while even just reading bored you.
In particularly bad spells, such as your final year of college when you’d been so afraid of failing but also afraid of having to go into the real world, you struggled to find the energy to even get out of bed. Hygiene only became a thing because of your severe distaste of being unclean, but other than that your bed often became your home.
You would sleep for hours upon hours, napping the day’s away as you consoled yourself with the knowledge that you didn’t have anything to do and so therefore didn’t need to get up. Even though a small voice in the back of your mind told you that no, you should get up. You should do something.
That small voice was drowned out often though. Vanishing on a fast current of melancholy. It frightened you that you were experiencing that now again, even with the wonderful light and joy that was Hoseok in your life. Waking up long after he’d already gotten up on the weekend and realising that you didn’t want to get up and follow him, that not even the comfort of his arms was enough to soothe the jagged hole inside your soul that seemed to grow deeper and wider with every day that passed.
Applying for the jobs had been an appeasement to those in your life who were worried about you. You knew that Hoseok could tell something was wrong, but he just didn’t seem to know what to do or how to help. Understandable really, as you didn’t tell him what was wrong.
But staring down at your phone screen, the black letters bold against the white background that once more proclaimed you weren’t good enough, you felt something deep inside you break. Something that you hadn’t realised was holding on by the thinnest thread, chafing away with each negative thought that had passed through your mind over the years.
What’s the point?
The insipid question whispers through your mind.
Why am I trying?
A second slithers into place, taking comfort with its neighbour.
Why am I doing this?
A third nestles safely between the two brooding thoughts.
I’ll never be good enough for anything.
Leaning your head forehead, you let it rest on your hand on the railing, eyes closing as your other hand tightens on your phone. The hopelessness that your mind has spun to life explodes to life, multiplying into countless thoughts of desolation and gloom that somehow combine together to make your head feel heavy and your limbs tired.
Slumping down onto the ground, you turn and let your back press against the railings. It was your lunch currently and you were at the back of the parking lot that faced your building, the facade blank with no clue as to what was going on inside. 
Blinking slowly, you realise that your breath is stuttering, almost choking itself. Like your throat is closing around nothing while your heart races a thousand miles a minute. Glancing down, you realise that your hands are shaking violently and you try to swallow, the movement so hard. And then you press a palm to your chest, a small whimper leaving your mouth as you simply try to breath.
But it all feels too much. It’s all just too much.
There’s nothing inside your head but despondency and yet your body feels too much, like it can’t cope. Your mind swings violently between the white fuzz of nothing and the sheer panic of a looming sense of dread, the fear of failure, rejection. The fear that you meant nothing and your life was nothing.
I can’t do this anymore.
It’s a simple thought, only five words long and it dances through your mind like a leaf on the breeze. Effortless and simple. 
For a few seconds you think nothing of it, the part of your mind that wasn’t well agreeing with it and conceding that there was no point anymore. You weren’t doing anything useful in life anyway and you doubted anyone would truly notice if you’d gone. A cog in the machine of life, that’s all you were.
And cogs could be replaced after all.
But then that tiny voice that had been washed away earlier appeared again, resolute and defiant against the tidal waves of desolation that swamped it. The tiny kernel of hope and happiness that you’d once had, that had slowly grown and blossomed into a tree with roots so deep it couldn’t be moved. It was a little dejected and a little threadbare from lack of nourishment, but it was there all the same.
The part of you that didn’t want to give up, the part of you that wanted to fight for your life. The part that had spurred you to confidence to message Hoseok, that had encouraged you to keep going in college. The part of you that told you it didn’t want to give up, didn’t want to give in.
Your lungs are heaving now, body hunched over as you grip your legs so tightly, head pressed to your knees while salty tears drip down your face. A heartbeat that feels like it’s working overtime is so loud you can feel it in your chest, the tension in your arms and torso so strong that your muscles hurt from the ache of holding them for so long.
Eyes hot and stinging as the tears overflow, you press hard on your chest and try to regulate your breathing. Try to calm yourself down, to bring yourself back from the precipice of the pain and panic that you feel. The overwhelming rollercoaster of your emotions is giving you whiplash, the melancholy you had been swept with being beaten savagely by the fear of your inability to breath and the panic of how dark your thoughts had gotten.
You needed to talk to someone, you needed to see someone. You needed someone there, someone to tell you that it was okay. That you weren’t worthless. That you had value, that you were loved. That you would be missed. That life wouldn’t be okay without you, that you were needed and necessary. Someone to push away your thoughts for long enough to just let you think clearly.
You don’t even realise you’ve dialled his number, fingers moving on autopilot as if your body is trying to help when your mind has become so paralysed. It’s not until his voice finally manages to pierce through the incessant self-flagellation that your mind is undertaking that you blink in confusion, brow creasing as you wonder why he’s here.
Glancing up, you wipe away at the tears that keep falling and stare at your phone, squinting to focus. The familiar smiling face of your boyfriend stares back, a photo taken weeks back on a date day to the beach. Your heart clenched tightly and your breath shudders, the wheezing sound as your lungs work hard to try and get oxygen loud as you have the odd mixture of desperation to talk to him along with the dread of annoying him.
One of the things you’ve always hated was talking about these personal issues with people. Even though you knew rationally that people would rather you tell them about what was worrying and upsetting you, the gleefully self-destructive part of your mind told you that you were annoying them with your concerns.
But Hoseok was talking through the small speaker, his voice loud against the quiet scenery around you with only your hyperventilated breathing being the odd noise. And then his words finally made sense, the syllables that had broken through your ennui turning into sounds you understood.
It was the confusion in them that caused you to listen properly at first, the way he said your name repeatedly before the ragged sound of your breathing obviously began to register. Then your name became more frantic, the fear in his voice slicing through your own inner wail of despair.
“Y/N? Hello? Y/N are you there? Hellooo? Y/N? Are you okay? Hey, are you...Y/N are you crying? Y/N? Talk to me, come on. Answer me sweetheart, baby answer me. Y/N what’s wrong? Are you crying? Y/N please answer.” His voice is getting progressively louder, the concern and worry louder and you suddenly feel even more self-loathing at the knowledge you’ve panicked him.
“Hobi.” It’s all you can get out though, the word pushing past the tightness of your throat as it contracts so violently, air struggling to get past. Clutching your chest, you recognise an odd wailing sound that escapes with each breath outwards. Hands shaking, you press the phone to your ear and let out a broken sob, trying to talk to him.
“Baby, baby what’s wrong? Has something happened? Are you okay? Have you had an accident? Is it your parents?” He fires questions at you quickly, trying to find some answer as to why his girlfriend has called him in the middle of a workday only to be sobbing and wailing down the phone at him.
Particularly when you both knew how much you despised talking on the phone.
But just the sound of his voice is soothing to the frayed nerves within you, a balm to the deep and aching pain that lurks inside. It’s not enough to pull you out your breakdown, not yet at least. This isn’t a film and television show and you’re aware enough to realise that real life doesn’t happen like that.
God you felt warm, so warm. So unbelievably warm but the sweat on your skin is cold, like you’re ill. Squeezing your eyes shut, you choke as you inhale too fast and your diaphragm jerks in a way that has you almost hiccuping.
Even though he doesn’t actually know what’s happening, Hoseok still manages to do the right thing. Because he stops his own panicked questions, his voice suddenly stabilises and a calm tone taking over.
“Okay baby...baby, listen to me. Okay, you’re okay. You’re gonna be okay. It’s going to be okay sweetheart, I swear. Come on, can you hear me?” A torn sound of acknowledgement leaves you, your muscles aching with tiredness from how hard you’ve held yourself.
“That’s good, that’s really good baby. I want you to listen to me, okay? Listen to what I say and then do it for me. I want you to try and breathe in, take a big breath. Really big, come on, do it with me,” You hear him inhale loudly and you try to follow, the shakiness overtaking. “And now it let out. Nice and slow, come on. Do it again.”
He continues on encouraging you through it, his deep voice that you’ve fallen so deeply for so soothing and reassuring. It almost makes you want to cry just hearing it, but you listen to what he says. Closing your own eyes and simply focusing on inhaling and exhaling, pushing all the negativity away until all that’s left is breathing.
Finally, after what feels like an hour, you realise that your breaths are jerky but almost stable. Deep breathes in and out help your body to relax itself, muscles releasing while the demons of depression and anxiety take a step back in your mind. They’re still there, you can feel them hovering over the edges, but you feel like you can cope again.
Wiping at your face once more, you sniff and almost burst into tears again when you realise how utterly pathetic you feel. How stupid you are to fall apart like that over a job rejection of all things. And those demons inch forward, whispering into the fragile parts of you.
“Y/N, are you with me? Are you okay?” Leaning your head back against the railing, you nod quietly before remembering he’s not actually there. The first time you try to speak, your voice is croaky and what sounds like a bubble pops in your throat.
The second time works though. “I’m here. I’m...Hobi...I just...I can’t.” 
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the words cause you to start crying once more. But this time, there’s none of the panic and fear behind them. These tears are blazingly hot, your skin prickling from the salt of them while your head pounds from the previous crying and emotional ride you’d just gone through.
This time, your tears were because you simply wanted him there. You wanted to just bury yourself in his arms and try to forget what had happened.
“Okay, okay. I don’t know what’s wrong, but do you think you can go back to work? Or do you need to come home?” The very idea of going back into the office, sitting at your desk and doing all the mindless jobs that you loathe and despise with every fibre of your being fills you with a surge of feelings that makes you gasp in pain, head shaking rapidly.
You can’t, not today. You can’t go back to that, you can’t go back to the thoughts that this is going to be your life. That this is all you’ll ever be. All you’ll ever be worth. That you’ll never be good enough for anything.
“No.” It’s whimpered out, so soft and quiet but carrying a level of pain that you can’t even begin to properly explain to him. He understands though, a quiet sigh of his own as he obviously considers what to do.
“Okay...go in and ask them if you can take the rest of the day off. Tell them you’re ill. That you’ve been throwing up or something, whatever it takes. Are you okay to drive? Or do you want me to come get you?” Glancing over at your car, the Hyundai your dad had helped you to buy that was a dream compared to your previous car, you chew on your lip as you wipe at your face.
“I can drive. I can drive, it’s not far.” 
“Good. Go home and rest. I’ll be home when I can. Do you want to talk about whatever just happened when I do?” Looking down at the ground, you consider it before sniffling quietly.
“Yeah. I think I should.” Your voice cracks on the last word, yet more tears filling your eyes as your lip trembles dangerously. The thought of telling him is terrifying, but you feel like you’ve gone too far down this dark road now. And you don’t want to walk down it alone anymore, not when what you’re finding is so terrifying and scary.
“Okay. I’ll see you at home then.”
-
It was surprisingly easy to get your boss to let you go home early, easier than you thought it would have been. But maybe you looked a little worse than someone who had been throwing up, given the puffiness of your eyes and the overall haggard appearance you’d managed to take on. You didn’t look well, which worked in your favour in terms of being able to go home.
But you didn’t look well because you weren’t well. And you knew this.
As soon as you got home, you’d practically torn off your clothes before slipping on a well worn pair of soft grey leggings and a fuzzy sweatshirt, the material so soft on your body. It’s approaching the end of November and you revel in the warmth it offers you, curling on the couch into a tight ball with your head buried into the velvety Pusheen pillow that Hoseok had bought you a few weeks ago.
The soft padding of tiny paws on the wood floor alerts you to an incoming presence and you smile tiredly when Kasumi jumps up onto the couch with you, chirping at you quietly before butting her head against yours. Gently, you stroke at her fur and sigh as she settles, her head buried firmly into your neck and her small body vibrating as she purrs away happily.
“Are you happy my little purrbaby? Yeah?” You whisper to her, running your thumb over her silken ears before pressing your nose against her sleek fur. “My favourite little girl, aren’t you? A purry baby.”
The next few minutes consist of you just muttering nonsense to her as usual, your hand stroking automatically as you revel in the solid warmth of her against you. She remains where she is, paws flexing open and closed as the she pads at your chest and you can’t help the tiny smile that escapes as she does so.
“I love you, yes I do.” Maybe it’s a sign of how bad of a person you are that the only person you feel even remotely comfortable saying that to is your own cat. A cat who can’t answer back. Though maybe that’s the point. She relies on you for survival, therefore her love is a given.
Other’s though?
Her ears twitch suddenly and her eyes widen, that familiar look of alarm taking over her feline features and causing her to jerk upright. Frowning, you coo to her before realising you can hear the door opening.
A quick glance at the clock tells you that it’s not even 2pm and your brow creases in confusion. You go to question whoever it is, only he appears from the hallway into the room and your throat tightens immediately.
Hoseok isn’t wearing a fancy suit this time, instead just a pair of black jeans with a black button-up, his socks a contrast in white. His work had since changed their dress code policy to smart-casual, hence his jeans. But he wasn’t supposed to finish until 5pm.
“Why are you here?” Your words aren’t nearly as solid as you intended them to be, the sounds shaky and he lets out a tiny sigh.
“You really think I was gonna stay at work for the next few hours after my girlfriend, who hates using the phone, calls me and all I can hear is hyperventilating and crying? And then she’s so not okay that she actually goes home? No way. I’m gonna work the time back later but I felt that you shouldn’t be alone right now.” He makes it all sound so simple, like there wasn’t even a question in his mind about what he’d do.
It chips away at something inside you, a chink in the solid wall of protection you’d built over the years that held back all your deepest and darkest fears and concerns from others. And in an instant, that wall shatters in a tsunami of emotion.
Lips trembling violently while your vision blurs from the tears filling it, you simply open your arms to him and whimper out his name in a tone so broken and lost that it almost makes Hoseok cry just hearing it. Not that you know that, nor can you see the way his face crumples for a moment at seeing you break so quickly.
You don’t see because the tears block your vision of him, but you feel it when he sits on the couch next to you and wraps you in his arms. Without a word, you squeeze your arms around him so tightly, as if you were afraid that if you let go then he’d vanish.
And you let yourself break in the comfort of his embrace, in the safety of presence and the reassurance of his stability. A horrible sound of pure agony escapes your throat, dragged from the deepest depths and a part of you is surprised at it. At how much pain it encapsulates.
Once you start though, you can’t stop and you simply cry into Hoseok’s arms, letting yourself go in a way that you never have before. Exposing your vulnerabilities and all the jagged points of pain inside your psyche that you’d kept hidden for so long, afraid that no one would care or would see them as a sign of weakness if you let them out.
Hoseok doesn’t judge you though, he doesn’t complain or sigh in annoyance. Instead, he spends the next ten minutes simply hugging you so tightly to him, his hands stroking your back in long movements that soothe you and reassure you that he’s here, that he cares. Vaguely, you recognise him whispering things to you but you don’t put enough thought into what he’s saying.
The earlier breakdown you’d suffered had been frightening and painful; the fear of not understanding what was happening properly combining with the gaping hole of self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. This didn’t feel like a breakdown though. It felt cathartic almost, like each sob that escaped you, each tear that wet Hoseok’s shirt was another weight being lifted off your mind and shoulders.
By the time you finally calm down enough until the tears are silent and the only noise you make is the hiccuped breathing of someone who’s cried so hard their throat and eyes hurt, you feel almost relaxed. Maybe crying was a good thing sometimes, but you knew that it was because you’d come to terms with the fact that you had to talk about your issues and most importantly, you had to reach out to others for help.
Now the room is completely quiet, only broken by the occasional sniffle from you. You’d expected him to start asking questions immediately but he doesn’t, instead just holding you in a protective embrace while you calm down.
Oddly, it makes you feel a little better that he doesn’t freak out or pepper you with questions. His reassuring presence helps to calm your frayed nerves and you find yourself playing with one of the buttons on his shirt, bottom lip pouting out as you realise his shirt is plastered to his chest from your tears.
“I’m sorry about your shirt.” You whisper, voice hoarse and low. There’s no response for a second before he lets out a breathy laugh, warm lips pressing to your hairline affectionately.
“That’s fine. It’s just a shirt,” Hoseok pauses, shifting to hug you in a more comfortable position on the couch. “Do you want to talk about it?”
The way he leaves the question open for you lets you know that he’s giving you an out, a way to turn him down. You know he wouldn’t be particularly happy if you didn’t talk about what had caused you to have such a breakdown, but he would acknowledge your decision.
“I just...I got another rejection.” Fingers smooth at the wrinkles in his shirt, the text from the email running through your mind once more and you can practically feel your spirit sinking again. “I don’t know, it just...it got too much. I know it sounds really stupid and I can’t really explain it all or anything but...it was just too much. Everything has been too much lately and yet I just feel so empty and uncaring.”
Hoseok doesn’t interrupt you, letting you spill out your inner thoughts to him, even if they don’t make a lot of sense. 
“I’ve been...I mean...lately I...I’m not...I’m not okay.” Your voice wavers dangerously, lip trembling and you tighten your hand on the fabric of his shirt. “I just feel...I can’t...I can’t, I just can’t. I don’t feel like I can do this anymore, it’s just so hard. So hard to get up and go to work when I hate my fucking job. It’s like my mind is dying every second in there and my soul is shrivelling up too. But I’m not good enough to get out and I’ll never get out and all I can think is...is this it? Is this going to be my life? Is this all I’ll ever do? Is this all I’ll ever be worth? Is this all I’ll do? And the thought of this being all I do for the rest of my life is...I mean...I just...I can’t Hoseok. I can’t, I can’t do it. I don’t even want to wake up if I have to do this forever.”
The words are rushed from you, blurring together as you feel the deep hysteria and panic rising within you once more. Hands clenching his shirt are shaking while your breath is coming a little faster again and your poor, swollen eyes are stinging from the heat of yet more tears. You’d have thought you had none left to cry.
“It’s like everything is weighing me down, all of it. My job, my lack of career, my finances and just me as a person. It’s all building in my head and I just...I can’t. But at the same time I feel nothing inside. I wake up and wonder why I’m bothering to get up because I have nothing to do, I can’t focus on shows or games or books. I’m lethargic and unhappy and the idea of going out just makes me want to cry. I drove home from the store the other day and the entire time I felt like there was a hive of bees in my stomach, all angry and my heart was racing. I didn’t even know what I was anxious about! That’s not normal and it happens all the time. I’ve tried, for you and my parents and friends but it always comes back. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t.” You’re not entirely sure what you can’t do, but you say it so forcefully that Hoseok simply nods.
He doesn’t speak at first, contemplating what to say and trying to remember what his therapist had discussed with him all those years ago when he’d gone. It was hard, because obviously your case wasn’t like his. But he wanted to help, or at least try and guide you in the right direction. Because you were reaching out, and he wanted to be the one to hold you steady while you fought your way out of the darkness.
“How long have you been feeling like this? I’ve noticed you pulling away recently, I didn’t want to push you on it though.” Hoseok admits, his voice soothing as he runs a thumb along your cheek, wiping your tears away.
Almost childishly, you shrug. “I don’t know. It comes and goes. I always...I hate doing things that make me happy or excited because I always crash after. And the longer my happiness goes on, the harder and further I crash after. It’s like my mind can’t cope with just...being...normal.”
Hoseok shakes his head firmly then, pulling back slightly to get you to look at him. His eyes are worried and his expression is concerned, but you can tell he’s determined. You can also tell that you’ve just said something that he disagrees with.
“Don’t call yourself not normal. At the risk of sounding like some lame quote from the early 2010s, there’s no such thing as normal. You’re just...you’re not okay right now. I think we can both tell that. And there’s nothing wrong with not being okay. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you’re having mental health problems and I hope you won’t be angry with me for saying it but...this...today...baby I think you need to see a doctor or something. I can’t tell you what will help because I don’t know, and I don’t want to mess it up. But you have to want to get help.”
Looking down at your hands, you sniff quietly as you contemplate what he’s said. As per usual, he’s said it sweetly and in a way that isn’t offensive. The very idea of admitting that you had mental health issues made you quail inside, wanting to tell him that he was wrong and you were fine. 
But he wasn’t wrong...and you weren’t fine. 
“What if they don’t believe me? Or tell me it’s just in my head? Or that I’m just sad or something? And what if work finds out and they get angry at me? People will tell me I’m just faking it or something, looking for attention.” The stereotypes slip from your lips without you realising it but you’re worried.
Despite the push for being more open around mental health lately, you know that people still don’t view it positively. That admitting depression or anxiety can often come with an eye roll or an exasperated sigh. You knew how it went, you weren’t depressed you were just tired or weren’t willing to put in effort and so forth.
But you knew it wasn’t that. It couldn’t be, not when it felt so real and strong.
“Sweetheart, if they think at your work then fuck them. You already hate that place and you’re looking for something new. Don’t let them get to you, you are more important than anyone there. And if they want to act like shit around something as serious as this, then they don’t deserve you. Your doctor should listen, and if they don’t then make them listen. They’re there for you, not the other way around. It’s in your head purely because it’s your mental health and it can be helped. I won’t lie, it’s probably not gonna get cured. But you’ll find ways to cope. And I’ll be here for you. So will your parents and your friends. We care for you and we want you to be okay.” He rubs at your arms then, his touch warm even through the soft material of your sweater.
“I’ve watched you draw into yourself and it’s worried me for a while now. But if you’re willing to reach out to me at your lowest, which I’m going to assume that breakdown was your lowest, then I think you want help. I can’t make it go away, but I can help support you while you get your feet back under you. Will you consider going to the doctor? Please?”
Pushing your head into his neck harder, you sniff hard and pushing the sleeves of your sweater past your hands. Your heart races at the thought of discussing your personal issues with someone you don’t know, but you know Hoseok is right. You need help, you need to reach out.
Swallowing hard, you realise that you need to do what he’s suggesting. You don’t want to get back to that point where you realised you didn’t care if you lived or died anymore. Because you wanted your life to get better. You just didn’t have the tools to pull yourself out of the swamp.
“Okay. I’ll go.” His body relaxes imperceptibly at your agreement and you feel bad, realising how worried he must have been for you. But that worry vanishes when he tilts your head up to his, a sweet smile on his face before he kisses you gently.
“Good. You won’t regret it, I swear. And thank you. For trusting me enough to call me when you were afraid and for telling me now. I want to try and help you anyway I can. I know what it’s like to feel very lost and afraid. I just got angry at the world though. So...please talk to me when you’re not feeling okay, even if you think I’m going to be annoyed or can’t be bothered. Because I’d rather you talk and vent to me than do something else.” And suddenly, you realise he’s got tears in his own eyes.
Reluctant tears you can tell, the way he gives a small smile that’s forced, his dimples showing but no real happiness behind it. Swallowing, your own smile wobbles too as you realise that he must have been so worried.
“I will. I swear. I swear.” His lips press to your forehead, resting there long after he’s finished his kiss and you simply embrace it, absorbing his deep feelings to you that you can tell he has even though he doesn’t say a word. Unsurprising really, because you feel all the positive and warm feelings you have towards him blossoming through the hollowness in your chest.
He’s not going to fix you and you both know that. But you’re surprised to realise that you don’t want him to either. That this is something you have to start yourself. For your own peace of mind but also so that you don’t become reliant on him while pressuring Hoseok with something as precarious as your mental health.
You’ve reached out for help finally, and now you just need to accept the help you’re given in turn.
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eliemo · 4 years
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All Gone- Part 3
Next part of my fan work for the Labelled Universe by @snowdice
Sorry this part took a bit longer to upload, but its also a longer chapter! 
TW: kidnapping, violence, panic and mention of drugs (nothing too bad, just sedatives and stuff) 
Virgil woke with what he quickly decided was the absolute worst headache he’d ever had in his entire life. 
And with how many times he’d woken up in varying degrees of pain, that was really saying something. At least he’d had morphine when he’d opened his eyes to a bullet wound. 
Now though, it felt like somebody had taken a meat cleaver to his skull, his head throbbing in time to his racing heartbeat, his whole body trembling and burning like he’d been dunked in lava. 
Jesus, he wasn’t even sure he could move. 
Virgil tried to open his eyes, quickly backtracking and squeezing them shut when even a sliver of dim light felt like a million tiny knives burrowing into his brain. 
He bit back a groan as a wave of nausea washed over him, overwhelming and awful as he lay perfectly still against something cold and hard. 
Hadn’t he been at school? He thought so. It had been the week from Hell- his foggy, pounding brain could at least piece that together. 
Between school work piling up as the year came to an end, stress from a new villain rising in power, and the fight with Logan, Virgil was--
Logan. 
This time, Virgil’s eyes did fly open, his sudden panic as memories came flooding back not nearly enough to smother the cry of pain as agony shot through his whole body at the movement. 
Logan had been right in front of him, calling to him from the car, panicked and afraid as arms wrapped around Virgil and dragged him into the dark. 
There’s been a stabbing pain in his neck, something cold and sharp pressing into his skin before he’d passed out. 
Oh god, had he been drugged? How long had he been out?
It couldn’t have been too long, he reasoned against the rising panic. Logan wouldn’t let him stay kidnapped for long. Logan would find him, kick the shit out of whoever had taken Virgil, and bring him home to a fretting Patton. 
It would be fine. It was ok. No need to freak out like a baby, Logan was probably on his way right now to--
“Are you awake, Shadow Caster?” 
That made Virgil freeze, panic intensifying because last time he checked he definitely was not wearing his mask. He’d just been trying to get home after band practice. 
There were feet suddenly moving in his line of sight, and Virgil shrank back out of instinct, tensing at the feeling of someone looming over him, in far too much pain to try scrambling away. 
 “Well, hey.” The man was crouching down, still too close and too tall, and Virgil squeezed his eyes shut as he moved closer. “What’s the matter, Shadow? Scared?” 
It was that horrible sickly sweet tone, the one Virgil had heard so many times before that reeked of false kindness, drenched in eager giddiness at the power they had over him. 
Virgil couldn’t move from where he lay on the floor, and he was quickly realizing that wasn’t just from the fear. His body, aside from the lingering pain, felt heavy and cold, limbs slow and unresponsive. 
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the man said. “Do you prefer Virgil?”
Virgil felt like he was going to be sick, hearing his real name somehow so much worse, the reality of the entire situation hitting all at once, too many memories flooding back. 
He couldn’t even concentrate long enough to form anything more than a measly shadow against his ankle. Nothing that would be of any help. 
Virgil risked a glance up, furiously forcing back the tears that threatened to spill over at what he saw. 
It was the man from the news, the one Logan had been working tirelessly to track down. The one that clearly had no qualms with killing innocents. 
And he knew who Virgil was behind the mask. He’d taken him right in front of Logan. 
“What do you want?” Virgil asked in a breathy rush, cringing at how shaky his voice was. He couldn’t see most of his kidnapper’s face behind the black mask, but his eyes were practically glowing with amusement. 
“Here,” he said, and Virgil couldn;t even try to hold back the whimper that escaped when the man reached forward, shrinking back and shutting his eyes. “Let’s get you off the floor.” 
Virgil tried to protest, tried to kick and scramble away, tried to do anything in his power to make sure this man didn’t touch him, but in the end it was useless. 
Virgil’s body was still slow and uncooperative, and the man moved too fast. Before he knew it there was a hand fisted in his shirt, another squeezing his wrist, and Virgil was roughly yanked to his feet and dragged to the nearest wall, forced to sit up and lean against it. 
It wasn’t any better than laying on the floor, despite being a bit less vulnerable, and the sudden movements had only sent more bursts of stabbing pain through his body, stars dancing along his already hazy vision. 
He grit his teeth and said nothing, now staring resolutely at the man’s black jeans in front of him. 
“You’re sixteen, right?” the masked man asked. Virgil didn’t answer. “Poor kid. Do your parents know about your little bank robbing habit?” 
Virgil forced himself not to flinch, wishing he had the strength to curl up into a ball, feeling far too vulnerable and exposed. 
He barely went out as Shadow Caster anymore, spending the free time he did have training with Logan, and he definitely hadn’t stolen since moving in Logan and Patton. 
The man’s hand was suddenly moving without warning, too fast and too close to Virgil’s face, and he couldn’t fight back against a violent flinch this time, ears burning when the man laughed. 
“I don’t need to hurt you,” he said, a hand now rested on Virgil’s shoulder. It was too tight, too confining, to be anything even remotely gentle. “Your dad seemed real upset when I picked you up. We don’t want to keep him worrying much longer, right?” 
Virgil tired (and failed) to steady his breathing, dissolving mostly into hiccuping gasps, ignoring the nagging panic that came with each second Logan failed to make his entrance. 
He...he was coming, right? Virgil knew they’d fought that morning, and he’d been unfairly short tempered when he’d known Logan was already stressed but...but that wouldn’t mean…
Virgil didn’t realize he’d been hit until the pain registered, seconds after the deafening crack that rose up in the empty room, the man’s hand now missing one of his black gloves. 
“Are you paying attention to me, Shadow Caster?” 
It wasn;t the first time he’d been slapped, obviously, and definitely not the first time he’d heard that demand afterwards. Of course, this situation was arguably a bit different. 
He’d literally been kidnapped, he had no obligation to cower and submit to this adult’s wants. Logan was coming- he was. Virgil was still alive for a reason. He could afford to be defiant. 
But a bit of rational thought wasn’t nearly enough to erase a lifetime worth of conditioning. Virgil found himself pressing back even further against the wall, fighting to raise heavy, trembling hands up to block his face from another hit, unable to raise his eyes from the floor. 
“S-sorry,” he stuttered out, hating himself for turning so weak so quickly. He wondered, briefly, if Logan would be disappointed. “I...what do you want?” 
The man’s eyes practically lit up at the obvious fear, and Virgil shuddered under the weight of his excitement. He hoped his own expression wasn’t giving away how badly that slap had hurt. 
“I sent your friend Bluebird a nice little picture,” he said. “Figured he’d want to know the kid that used to follow him around had gotten into a little...predicament. Smart guy like him should be able to find our location, right?” 
Virgil forced himself to breathe, the mark on his face burning like acid. He had enough experience to know that it would probably leave a nasty bruise. 
“He’s...he’ll be here.” 
“Yeah?” It was impossible to tell for sure behind the mask, but Virgil thought the man was smirking. “You’ve already been here about two hours now.” 
Two hours? And Logan still hadn’t…
No. No. It was fine. It was all going to be ok. Logan would find him. He would. 
“He’ll be here,” Virgil repeated, barely audible, more for himself than anything. “And he’ll kick your ass.” 
Virgil expected the slap this time, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less, a new burst of pain exploding across his already throbbing cheek. 
“Tell you what,” the man said, casually, like Virgil wasn’t hunched over himself and fighting back tears. “Let’s make a deal, ok? Just in case he doesn’t.” 
Virgil didn’t answer, just stared resolutely down at his feet, shivering  and uselessly trying not to dissolve into sobs. 
God, he just wanted to go home. 
“I’ll let you go right now,” he said. “All I need is the Bird’s name. His real name. Tell me who he is, and you’re good to go.” 
And there was no way in hell Virgil was ever going to accept that. It wasn’t even a question. Not for a second. 
He was just glad this guy was apparently too stupid to connect Virgil’s recent adoption with the superhero’s identity. 
“No,” he spat, and quickly cringed back when the man’s hand raised again. “Wh-why don't you just...figure it out yourself? You found me.” 
“It’s not hard to find some street kid, Shadow. Not if you try hard enough. Bluebird’s another story.” 
Virgil swallowed, fairly sure he could taste some blood in his mouth as he hunched his shoulders and braced himself, knowing what was coming. 
“I don’t know who he is.” 
It was a fist that connected with his face this time, real anger finally leaking through the man’s giddy facade, and Virgil definitely tasted blood now. 
 “Don’t lie to me, kid.” 
“I-I’m not--” 
He honestly couldn’t tell if he’d been punched again, all of the pain was starting to blend together into one horrible wave of agony. But even as he feels himself roughly shoved to the ground, something digging into the back of his neck, his answer never changed. 
He was used to beatings. He could...he could take it. And yeah, maybe he’d gotten used to living under Logan and Patton’s safety the last year. Maybe it was worse because there was absolutely nothing stopping this man from killing him in seconds. 
But there wasn’t a second where he considered giving Logan up. Because even if he died...Logan would be ok. The only people to ever show him a shred of kindness in his life would be safe. 
And that was...that was…
He didn’t even have time to finish his thought before the weight on top of him was ripped away, the sudden change in pressure only making the pain flare up worse than before, and Virgil cried out in alarm. 
There were noises around him, too far away to make out, and much too loud to bring any semblance of calm. There were voices, he thought, angry and demanding, followed by deafening crashes and thuds. 
Had he done something wrong again? Everything hurt so bad and he couldn’t lift his head to even see where he was anymore. He shouldn’t be this weak. He should be able to get up and run while he could. He needed to get away, he needed--
There was a crash, louder than any of the other sounds, and Virgil thought he heard someone scream. A second later, he realized it could have been him. 
But the crash had definitely been close this time, like someone had hit the wall right above him, and Virgil used what was left of his fading strength to curl into himself, doing what he could to protect his face. 
Something sharp scraped against his arms and legs as he moved, stabbing pain joining the rest of the constant hurt, but he didn’t pay it any mind. 
And then, despite the fact that he hadn’t opened his eyes or lifted his head, Virgil is painfully aware of a presence making its way back towards him, looming over him, ready to hurt him all over again. 
But he wasn’t giving this guy any answers. 
“Virgil--” 
“I-I’m...I’m not telling you who-who he is, I’m not--” 
Oh god, Virgil can’t breathe. He can feel the panic rising up, stronger than the pain and drowsiness, and his chest aches with his labored, frantic breaths. 
There’s a hand on his shoulder and Virgil couldn’t help the sob that escaped as he flinched back, back slamming into the wall. 
“Please d-dont.” He was begging now, desperate and scared, unable to stop himself. “Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me I’m--”
“Virgil, it’s me.” The hand loosened slightly, but didn’t let go. “It’s just me. I found you, you’re safe.” 
And that...that sounded like…
“Look at me, Virgil. Please. I...I need to see that you’re alright.” 
Virgil found himself obeying, not moving from where he was curled up on the floor, but glancing up just enough to see Bluebird on his knees in front of him, gloved hand on Virgil’s hoodie. 
He couldn’t remember deciding to speak, barely able to hear his own pitiful voice. But it was there all the same, small and unsure. “D...dad?” 
There’s a beat of silence, Bluebird--Logan-- watching him with poorly concealed worry, before he clears his throat and replies. 
“Hello, Virgil. I assume you’re ready to go home.”
Virgil had broken down within seconds. He didn’t bother to hold back any sobs this time, still not strong enough to move from the floor, but Logan quickly gathers Virgil in his arms, murmuring frantic reassurances and what sounded like apologies. 
Logan held him close to his chet, Virgil pressed close enough to hear his heartbeat, fast and strong and real. 
Virgil felt himself being moved, but there was no panic that came with the motion, just another wave of pain and dizziness. Logan said something when he cried out in pain, hold briefly tightening, but Virgil was asleep before he could hear it. 
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lizparkcr · 3 years
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ok so im trying to avoid having emotions about the shitshow that is the local elections so i dont yknow breakdown and ive been meaning to make a post for ages abt muriel’s route i have so many thoughts. obvious spoilers ahead not that i have more than like 2 followers who play arcana game
firstly....i was kinda underwhelmed with the second half/ending of his route. disclaimer i haven’t replayed it and haven’t got the reversed ending, only upright, and my memory sucks and i played it a while ago. SO, things that I....don’t understand:
1. SUCH a massive deal is made out of muriel (and MC) having to learn to fight, the plot literally hinges on it, only for it to swing off the plot all together into oblivion and for the final showdown to be....a series of literal games.* And I wouldn’t disagree with this as an ending tbh!!!! I think it’s fucking great actually -- a non-violent resolution to further signify Muriel’s journey from violence and isolation to peace and fun and family, and tbh sort of a massive fuck you to lucio; LITERALLY RETURNING to the coliseum only to BEAT Lucio WITHOUT returning to the violence that lucio forced on him, turning it into a place of actual joy. Like fuck!!  BUT with the whole first part it just doesn’t fucking fit lmao? Muriel could have faced his demons in the beginning without learning to fight at all, he still could have had that journey. Morga could have just traveled with them right? Or even better he could have refused to fight and then the ending would have been even better. We could have had a moment of Morga acknowledging their strength??? Acknowledging their non-violent victory WITH PRIDE??? Bringing her to reflect on her choices as a mother and a leader??? Devs why couldn’t we have had that :(  I may be remembering wrong but the apparent necessity of Morga teaching them to fight is the biggest source of tension for at least a book. It’s the reason for his first kiss with the MC!  Also yeah speaking of tension with Morga 
2. SUCH a big deal is made out of morga becoming/reflecting as (?) a mother figure to muriel (which in itself is a very bold way to go story-wise)....only for her to be killed off. Again, I don’t disagree with this decision, I like her but story-wise it could fit. But I can’t help feel like it was really premature. This is something I feel all routes suffer from, and perhaps I am expecting too much from a game that can be played for free very easily, but every single route has pacing problems, none more than Muriel’s imo. Considering the maternal aspect of Morga (for both her and Muriel!) is sooooo fucking loaded and intense like, you cannot drop that and then kill her and not really mention her for the rest of the story. Her “ghost” made an appearance sometime later and a few sentences were said and that was it. Her and Muriel’s past was so brushed over  and idk clearly they didn’t have the time or money or whatever to develop it which is a real shame. Their journeys could have run parallel or gone in opposite directions literally anything but Morga dying in a moment of weakness from a cheap trick by lucio :/ bc YEAH like that was not actually weakness but certainly what morga considers weakness!!! that mistake could have split her away from muriel+MC entirely OR brought them closer together. she could have been disgusted with herself and decided once and for all to let go of lucio as a son and go her own way to destroy him, or she could have woken up to what she can do differently now and work with Muriel and co and let go of lucio that way. idk man it was just a waste
Right then....onto the romance. or. lack of :( this is completely subjective, I know some people were v happy with it but like, this could not have been a drier route and im so fucking sad about it. There were definitely some sweet moments, but that was sort of it for me. I get what they were going for, but it’s personally sad to me that Muriel’s contentedness seems to have come at the expense of sensual intimacy/tension. like there was just absolutely no spice whatsoever. I saw someone describe the MC relationship as basically platonic and...yeah. Very little intimacy that wasn’t like, cuddling or holding hands, which since there wasn’t much to build on anyway just came across as nice but unexciting. It felt like it became too easy and too normal too quickly?  Naturally touch was such a precious and important thing in the beginning as Muriel was learning to trust, but that just did not get explored imo. The first kiss wasn’t...the worst, but it was sort of OOC to me. They could have got so deep with that first kiss -- the opportunity, the trust, the choice. “Happy accident” scenarios can be great and definitely could have worked for his story, but for the first kiss i was like oh ok we’re here now?? and..muriel’s ok with that considering we were just uhh sobbing about his forced servitude and violence?? idk how i haven’t mentioned it yet but the way the tone was all over the fucking shop in that book gave me serious whiplash. Anyway  it’s so disappointing bc c’monnnnn this whole relationship is brand new to BOTH mc and muriel.  At the start every touch is a small turning point and i think they did that so well, you feel excited at the development and where it will go, but then it’s like “ok well we’re together now so everything is easy and breezy”. you can create emotional tension (the good kind) through touch EVEN if they’re both ace. which the MC is not bc its the self insert character so. yeah. i feel like im probably being a bit harsh in retrospect but this is what has stuck with me. 
This leads me to Muriel himself, and what to me was the biggest opportunity to do blow everyone’s minds bc he was SUCH a mystery before his route. Dark and brooding but shy and caring, anti-social through anxiety and fear but lonely, his reluctant but consistent support of Asra and his friends. And that was all teased in the beginning! ....and then completely fell flat. Similar to my first point: they had some deep emotional development going, Muriel literally coming face to face with the past he never knew, and the past he wishes he could forget, learning to actually be around people, learning to trust people (and ngl i fucking loved the beginning stages with MC so much), and overcoming his anxiety and pessimism. He and MC literally travel together alone for weeks. WEEKS! And much of that is skipped by. We have big emotional scenes but not much in between. And then...and yknow im not sure where it changes...after khamgalai dies? (and dont get me started on that what the fuck was the point of THAT?) after MC goes to the arcane realms? I can’t remember but at some point it’s like...all tension is gone lmao. Including tension between MC and Muriel, and he becomes quite two dimensional. It was just rushed.  Vesuvia is in ruins, Nadia and co chased out of the palace, Lucio taking control etc but like...it doesn’t feel like it matters? Im really not saying that his route has to be all doom and gloom at all but don’t MAKE it doom and gloom and then do a 180 yknow? I remember Julian’s route in particular being so fucking tense, even though I knew I got the upright ending, that dinner scene was...phew. (and i do get that naturally the first 3 routes are bound to be a more exciting experience bc i was less familiar w the game etc but still, there was just 0 tension). 
im not even gonna talk about the MC’s past reveal bc i have issues with it in every route so whatever 
so yeah i love muriel and i still like the arcana but it’s writing and pacing is just so inconsistent and it makes me sad. I will continue to fanon Muriel’s route to death. 
*It’s occurred to me that the reversed ending may be more violent and actually fit with where the story seemed to be going in the start, but I stand by the opinion that it doesn’t matter because it still doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t have to play the reverse ending to be like “oh ok that was the point of that” bc it should make sense and serve purpose in both endings, which i dont think it does.
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dcmeterwrites · 3 years
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who is that walking on the quad ? that’s CYNTHIA WINCHESTER, of course. she may look like elizabeth debicki but the twenty eight year old is actually a doctoral student studying management. on game days, she’s judicious and honest ; during finals week, she’s strict and prideful. if you catch her at a party, she’s probably dancing to orpheus under the influence by the buttertones.
— RUNDOWN.
full name: cynthia irene winchester
name meaning: the goddess artemis, peace

date of birth: november 27th
place of birth: chelsea, united kingdom

age: twenty-eight

star sign:
 sagittarius
year: first

department: business
clubs: none
alignment: true neutral
mbti: isfp
spoken languages: english ( native speaker ), french ( fluent ), german ( proficient ), russian ( intermediate ), mandarin ( intermediate )
mother’s name: isla winchester née mcclare
father’s name: conrad winchester
siblings, if any: cordelia, casper, cressida, and charles winchester
birth order: oldest, older twin
height: 6′3″
hair colour: blonde
eye colour: blue
— BACKSTORY. 
as the eldest of five winchester heirs, a great deal of pressure was placed on cynthia from a very early age. sit up straight, learn your forks and spoons and knives, laugh a certain way, wave without moving the elbow. it was hammered into her. 
in order to survive in that world, she convinced herself of one thing — that life was a matter of complete self-restraint. she attended her flute lessons and loved them, but not too much. loved studying literature, but not too much. loved playing with her siblings, rowing in the summers, having picnics, sunday roasts, winter evenings by the fireplace — but not too much. 
it pained her deeply to see her siblings miss the fundamental principle of not too much. where cressida went one route, steeling herself into something artificially robotic and serious and never once allowing herself a laugh, the other sister delia went the other way entirely. threw herself with nothing but mirth into everything she did. casper too erred on the side of caution, living life to its reckless fullest. 
she never wanted to cut their fun short. some part of it brought joy into her life, when she didn’t allow herself to have it directly. but as her parents breathed down her neck, she cared less and less about protecting them, coddling them really. it only led to scoldings. 
cynthia was a good student, though not exceptional. if she had any skill in abundance, it was an uncanny intuition to see people for who they were, which did her favours in predicting reactions and decisions.
after finishing up her a-levels, she headed right to st. andrew’s for a bachelor’s degree in economics. her twin charles took a similar route, though she purposefully chose a different institution than him — mostly to avoid him. 
for better or for worse, he had always been an uncomfortable shadow on her side. while he was slightly worse than her in his behaviour, in his manner, in his academic and extra curricular achievements, their parents thought he could do no wrong.
nevertheless, after her mba degree at the london business school were over with, it was pretty clear what she were meant to do next. her endgame was likely to own a considerable share in the hotel business, own a few, operate a big one in new york or paris or london. it was laid out before her like a carpet. 
so she worked in public relations for the winchester family of hotels, nothing she wasn’t expecting. you had to start somewhere, and she was well-suited to be a fresh, likeable face for the company, speaking to investors, to the public and even to officials from the tourism department. all good. 
she made her life her work. when it came to the matter of romance, the principle of not too much returned in full swing. she’d go on dates, but none of them interested her very deeply, and left suitors with dashed expectations. perhaps she didn’t let herself be interested by them at all.
all the while, deep cracks emerged in the family. cora was simply not suited to the business, and before they could process it, she was across the pond, at some strange university that cynthia had never heard of. she couldn’t lie — it hurt. but by that point, she was resolute that cora had to grow up like the rest of them, and give up her silly dreams and wishes. 
at least she was doing well for herself. soon the winchester hotels were the talk of every major city in the world, the perfect option for any kind of customer. perhaps now, she’d finally get a chance at her management tasks, actually handling staff and making changes to the way things worked.
fat fucking chance. she was invited to a fancy gala with the family, mum, dad, cress, charles, even casper had been wrangled out of whatever european hamlet he hid away in — for what was apparently a grand announcement. she’d never been giddier in her life to hear those magical words.
i am pleased to leave the management of our family hotels to charlie. 
well, shit. that was one decision she could not predict. 
to say she was confused was a bit of an understatement. she hadn’t just been on equal terms with charlie in terms of performance, she’d exceeded him. he was lazing about on the board of directors while their dad pulled the weight, and while she increased the reputation of their brand tenfold. 
for the first time in her life really, she allowed herself a little too much. she demanded an explanation from her parents, and was met only with “ well, we didn’t think you’d care for the job. ”
right. because she never did show she cared.
losing out on that opportunity was a rough wake up call, that she’d expected too many things to go her way based on her achievements alone, rather than any passion. worse yet,  the announcement wasn’t exactly the sort of thing you could reverse on a whim. 
working at the hotels any longer drained her completely, knowing it was for nothing. and at least she had the decency to quit when she knew she wasn’t doing a good job. quitting meant disapproval and losing rights to certain family assets, but it was what it was.
years of repressed passions bubbled to the surface. suddenly she felt violent, wanting to do nothing more than to throw every last inch of her life away and start new, start different. but how the hell could she do that — where would she go ?
it struck her then. somewhere that the people around her hadn’t heard of. somewhere like riverbank. going back to school wasn’t exactly on her bucket list, but she was a bit desperate for a change of scene — and what a scene it was, wide open skies and suburbia and youth. besides, she hadn’t spoken much to cora beyond a few emails in her sister’s freshman year. she did miss her, even if missing was mixed up with disapproval and envy. 
so cynthia cut her hair, got a new look, less elegant colours and skirts and dresses, more pantsuits and dress shirts. applied for a doctoral degree in management science — she could wrangle up something based on her experience. and then she set out, selling off the remnants of her london life, and deleting far too many contacts off her phone on impulse. 
her financial situation was thrown for a bit of a loop, however. her source of steady income was gone, her claims to property were distant, and her doctoral degree was fucking expensive. her bank account is slowly wearing down, but it’s still good enough to keep her in a nice apartment by herself. 
well, there’s the question of meeting with cora at some point, but she’s mustering up courage for that. such a thing needed planning.
everything’s a bit too much. so it’ll take some getting used to. 
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takeiteasypeasybaby · 4 years
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Save Me: Chapter 30 - Resolution
~Hey guys! Chapter 30 is out now :) Molly takes a break from Alexandria in order to become a better person and live her life free from Negan’s hold...I hope y’all are having a good week <3 I can’t believe i’ve published thirty chapters of Save Me!! I couldn't have done this without all of your support, love you all <3~
There was change in the air at Alexandria, but for Molly things would only feel different once she began a new life, far away from Negan.
Negan's POV//
I had stayed in the Doc's office for about a week until the cell was made, then I was transported there.
It must have been an old basement because I only had a small window to look out of and when you did, you were at grass level.
I couldn't see Molly's house, the pricks made sure of that.
Two weeks passed and she never came, I doubted she ever would, I just hoped she was safe.
All I did from morning till night was sit there on my bed which had a thin mattress or look out of the window and listen in on people's conversations.
I hated not doing anything or talking to anyone, it was driving me crazy.
But that was the point I guessed, they wanted to break me like I had tried to do to them.
One morning the door swung open and Rick came to stand in front of the bars, he wanted to have a chat.
We had those weekly.
'It was a hard day. Hardest we've had in a while. A man lost his arm and the project is behind schedule' he said as he pulled up a chair to sit down.
I sat in the darkness and watched him.
'People were at each other's throats. Thing is though, as bad as it was, when the day was done they came together' he said confidently.
He meant my Saviours and his people.
'Not all of them, but enough' he continued.
At least some were still loyal to me. They were waiting for me to rise again, which I would.
'They chose to be together, you see what I'm getting at? No matter what happens, it's human nature to come together. That's just what we do' Rick said sternly.
I just smiled in disbelief.
'That's a real pretty picture you paint there Rick. When do I get to see it?' I asked hoarsely.
'Never. You can die behind these bars, you know that' he said slowly.
I scoffed and said 'well then, don't I get some final request? Why don't you bring Molly to me?'.
'Don't you get tired of acting like you're still in charge?!' Rick asked chuckling to himself.
I scowled when I knew he would never let me see her.
'Do you?' I asked provokingly.
'You think that just because they all had a little wienie roast that you got all this on lock? When it finally goes to shit and it will, make sure you come back and you tell me all about that day too' I spat at him.
'We're thriving without you, Molly is thriving without you. We're building a future just like I said we would' he said now standing up and coming close to the bars.
I had gotten under his skin, but unlike before, he knew he was getting under mine by mentioning Molly.
'Building it for who? For Carl?' I retorted teasingly.
'You don't speak his name' he growled.
'Your family's gone Rick. Same as mine. That bridge you're buildin, it's not the future. It's a monument to the dead' I said as I stood slowly and walked towards the bars.
'You're not saving the world Rick, you're just getting it ready for me' I added, smiling at him.
He was terrified when I said that, he was doubting himself already.
Soon he would fall and I would be leader again, then I could get Molly back.
I smiled at the thought as Rick walked away.
Molly's POV//
It was beautiful.
Tara was coming home soon and then I would have to give her my answer but looking around, I saw people connecting and working together.
Building work in Alexandria had started as the clean up was finished.
I saw Rick's plans, they were perfect. It was gonna be a goddamn paradise.
Just what Carl had envisioned, fields of crops and vegetables, a church, windmill, hydroelectricity from the lake.
We were finally bringing civilisation back.
Many Saviours like Laura and Diane were on board, joking and laughing with the others.
It was nice to see people setting aside their differences, trust was still along way off but now at least we had a common goal.
I oversaw the crop plantation and food supply.
I had experience of that stuff and the Saviours working for me liked that I was once one of them, or so they thought.
Sometimes it felt like I was the one bridging the gap, whenever a Saviour had an issue they would come to me because I knew them on a personal level.
They understood that I wasn't Negan and never would be, but I guess I gave them comfort during this period of fragile change.
I loved it here, it felt good to have a leadership role again, like I'd had at the Sanctuary but without the darkness and brutality.
Some days I completely forgot that Negan was here, especially when I was busy.
It was only when things seemed to slow down or stop that I felt him nearby.
It was like he was watching me, from that tiny window.
I never looked in that direction but I felt it.
That was why I needed to leave, even for just a while.
I needed to break that bond because it still felt like we were tied to one another with string and it would only snap if one of us made it so.
I had decided.
I marched with determination to the cell where he was, fully knowing that I wasn't ready but emotion got the better of me and I needed to know.
I made sure to sneak past the guards during their shift change and I pulled open the door and walked inside.
I had never seen the cell before but it looked like hell.
It was dark and stifling with very little breeze.
I hadn't seen Negan since the throat slash and I knew it would be almost impossible to talk to him but there would be no conversation, just one question.
I stood strong with a confident stance as I strode towards the bars, seeing his shadow grow larger as he came closer, when finally he was illuminated by a streak of light from the window.
I physically restrained myself from audibly gasping at seeing his face, instead we just stared into each others eyes.
He spoke first, like he always did.
'Rick told me that you're doing well. I'm glad' he said almost smiling.
I cut straight through this.
'Cut the crap. You're gonna answer one question then we're done, is that clear?' I said sternly as I folded my arms.
He just stared at me, with more hurt in his eyes than before.
'After everything you owe me at least that...' I said, trying to prevent my voice from cracking through the pain.
He now knew exactly what was running through my mind, he knew my question and it's answer.
'Ask me' he whispered as he looked down to the ground and placed his hands in his pockets.
I exhaled, my eyes started to well up and I bit my lip to stop from trembling.
'Was any of it real or were you just using me to get to Rick?' I asked hesitantly.
He paused for a moment, his face freezing, leaving just his eyes tracing parts of the concrete floor.
He inhaled, gathering his composure and looked straight into my eyes and said calmly, 'no...you we're just a means to an end. I need you to fall in love with me so I could use you as leverage'.
My eyes didn't stray from his as he spoke these words to me, I was paralysed with heartache as I felt my tears cease rising.
I nodded as I moved closer to the bars and replied coldly, 'thank you'.
I turned on my heels and darted for the door, he didn't try to stop me.
I swung the door open so that it hit against the wall and stormed out.
It was only once I was out of the cell and I walked back up the stairs that I let myself feel.
All my emotions came flooding in at once, overwhelming me.
I struggled to breathe as I gasped through screams of tears.
Of course some looked at me as I stormed to my house, with one hand covering my mouth and the other placed on my stomach to control my breathing, I didn't care.
I just needed to get away from him.
He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me.
Negan's POV//
'Fuck!' I whispered as I gripped the bars and pressed my forehead against them in frustration.
I had to let her go, she needed to live without me.
She hated me and I loved her more than ever.
She looked so beautiful, she was glowing.
If there was any time where she would be the light in my life, it was now.
I needed her more than ever but she was no longer in my reach.
I sat back down onto my bed and held my head in my hands.
The door swung violently open as Michonne walked in.
'Well look who it is' I said sarcastically.
'What did you say to her?' she said sternly as she folded her arms.
I sighed, saying 'ah you see, that's none of your concern'.
She moved closer to the bars.
'Molly's well-being is my concern. You need to let her go, she can't be happy if you're around' she said.
'I agree, that's what i'm trying to do. But quit bullshitting me, you're not gonna kill me' I said smirking.
'You're right i'm not, even though Molly would be better off. But, she would never forgive me, so for now, you live' she said smiling sarcastically as she was about to walk out the door.
She turned around slowly and said, 'If you care about her at all, leave her be'.
'That's why I'm doing this Michonne, I want her to be happy. But, she'll have to hear what I have to say eventually' I replied as she walked away.
I heard her stop before she walked outside, she must have been contemplating what I told her.
Molly's POV//
As soon as I got to my house, I ran upstairs and curled into a ball on my bedroom floor and just sobbed for hours.
Everything that I had risked, that I had lost for that man.
I hated him, but never more so than I hated myself.
At least when I thought that he loved me, there was a purpose but now there was nothing.
Nothing left here for me anymore. I had decided.
I waited at the gates for Tara to return.
All day I thought about my decision and whether it was right, but I knew in my heart that I had to.
All of sudden, from my binoculars I saw Tara approaching, followed by a large group of women.
I smiled when I saw her, they must have been from Oceanside.
'Open the gates!' I shouted down to Daryl who nodded and slid them open.
In came Tara and I climbed down the steps and pulled her in for a hug.
'God I've missed you!' I said chuckling as we embraced.
The women all came inside the compound and stood around admiring the place.
'Molly, I'd like you to meet the people of Oceanside. They've agreed to help us' Tara said as she ushered to the women.
Suddenly a young woman emerged from the group and marched towards me and Tara.
'Hi, I'm Cindy, the leader' she said as we shook hands.
'Thank you so much for being a part of this' I said as we smiled at each other.
Tara whispered to me that she was a nice person.
Tara kept her eyes firmly on Cindy's so I knew something was going on between them.
'Please, follow me. I would like to introduce you all to our leader, Rick Grimes' I said as I pointed over to Rick.
Rick was about to leave for the bridge repairs (the bridge was vital for connecting Hilltop to Alexandria for a faster route).
They followed me and Tara over to Rick.
Cindy looked at me, puzzled and said 'I thought you were the leader?'.
I chuckled, saying 'oh, no. I never could be'.
She just said 'hm' while she frowned in disappointment.
Rick had shown them around Alexandria, the plans for the future of the place, the function of uniting the communities and how Oceanside would contribute and also gain from this.
They were in agreement and seemed excited about the prospect of greater security and prospects.
They had promised to stay and help build the bridge but would return to Oceanside afterwards.
Many were opposed to working with the Saviours after what they did to their brothers and husbands but tried their best to all come together.
Meanwhile, I pulled Tara to one side and told her my decision.
'I've made up my mind' I said smiling at her.
'So...' she said slowly.
'I'm going to Hilltop for a couple years. I'll help with their agricultural development and then I'll come back to Alexandria' I said as she squealed and pulled me in to a tight squeeze.
'Okay, okay, cutting off my circulation now' I said breathlessly.
She just chuckled and said 'it's best, I hope you know that'.
I just nodded and smiled.
'But are you sure you wanna go today and leave Cindy all alone?' I said teasingly as we walked to the gates.
She stopped me with a hand on my arm and said 'what d'ya mean?'.
'Oh cut the crap, I see everything that goes on, alright. Especially with you. You like her!' I said smiling smugly.
She sighed and chuckled, saying 'yeah, okay fine...she said she'll come to Hilltop to see me!'.
'Ooooo' I said mockingly.
'Shut up' she said with faux annoyance and pushed my arm.
'You got everything?' she said as she climbed into the car.
I looked behind me one last time, mainly at the cell.
'Yeah, yeah there's nothing I've left' I said slowly and sadly.
I climbed into the front seat and then we were off.
'See ya in a couple years Alexandria!' Tara said enthusiastically as we put on our shades.
I wore my old black ray bans and Tara wearing her ridiculous orange ones and pulled away from the gates.
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aspoonofsugar · 5 years
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The Guild Arc and some Major Themes
The aim of this meta is not to give a full analysis of the Guild Arc, but merely to use said arc to discuss some major themes the arc introduces/explores and some characters linked to them. Because of that the analysis will concentrate only on a bunch of characters and themes without worrying about other crucial ones.
To be more specific the characters explored here will be the following.
1) Atsushi and Lucy
2) Mori
3) Kyouka
Some considerations will be made also about other characters and the final paragraph will discuss some events happening in the current arc.
ATSUSHI AND LUCY: LONELINESS AND IMAGINATION
The war among the Guild, the Mafia and the ADA is opened by the fight in Anne’s room which is important on several levels.
First of all, this fight highlights Lucy and Atsushi’s similarities:
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Both are orphans and have found a new place in the world thanks to their abilities. At the same time, they obviously hate their abilties to an extent:
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One of the main points of Atsushi’s arc is that he can not completely accept the violent parts of himself symbolised by the tiger. He has been refusing this side of himself so much that he was not conscious of it until Dazai revealed the truth to him.
Lucy’s ability is highly symbolic as well.
As a matter of fact Anne is clearly an alter-ego of Lucy herself. On one hand she is stronger than Lucy and will fight for her. On the other hand she also looks monstrous and scary.
These two attributes represent the fact that Lucy’s way of coping with her loneliness is a double-edged sword.
This is because Lucy’s solution is to basically find a refuge in her own head represented by her “room”. The room is a place where Lucy has basically complete control over things and where she can be the strongest, whereas in the real world she is weak and bullied.
However, no matter how strong she is in this world of her creation, she is bound to remain lonely exactly because she refuses to escape her own head and to truly connect with others. She chooses to bring people in by force instead and forces them to stay with her by catching them and collecting them as if they were dolls.
This is why what Atsushi tells her is important:
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Loneliness is a matter of imagination because it is a feeling rooted in the perception of one-self and of others. Both Lucy and Atsushi used to feel different and worse than others, but the truth is that all people have similar feelings and the point is realizing this.
For example, this is what happens to Atsushi when he is targeted by the mafia and leaves the Agency because he is sure he will bring only misfortune to them. However, he quickly realizes that what happens to the members of the agency is not something for him to decide since 1) the mafia still chose to attack them and 2) they were strong enough to defeat the mafia:
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Here, maybe for the first time ever, Atsushi feels that not everything is on his shoulders and depends from him. Because of that, he is able to move on and later on he is able to help Lucy do the same.
All in all, their battle in Anne’s room is nothing more than a fight to force Lucy to open her mind:
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As Lucy herself states she doesn’t know how to use the key because she doesn’t know how to healthily communicate with people and is not able to open herself up to others.
Of course the point is that in the end there is no magical key, but only Lucy herself can choose to go out from her mind:
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The result is that she is able to move on and to genuinely connect with Atsushi when they meet again. Atsushi shows her that there are other people like her and that if she understands this, she may be able to create bonds with others. This is why during their second meeting this exchange happens:
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Lucy can’t stay in her room forever and this is why she asks Atsushi to come back for her. Basically she has accepted that she needs to connect with others and chooses to trust Atsushi.
This is interesting because, after her development, it turns out that Lucy’s ability is at its best when used to help others:
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In the end, the true value of her power did not lie in Anne’s strength or in using it to kidnap people, but rather in letting people escape boundaries (the ability is used to overcome the effects of time, to let Atsushi escape a room and to let both him and Kyouka move around despite being wanted). This is something which fits the idea of Lucy’s ability representing “an escape into one’s imagination”. After all, what does imagination do if not letting people escape boundaries? Lucy used it to isolate herself, but once she starts sharing her power with others, she becomes more powerful to the point that she is considered Dazai’s queen in the current arc.
At the same time, in her second meeting with Atsushi, Lucy points out something important:
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It is not a mystery that Atsushi’s development lies into accepting his negative traits, so that he can overcome the hero complex the orphanage director made him develop. This hero complex is built on the assumption that Atsushi is worthless and has a right to live only if he helps others and is a good person. This way of thinking is obviously detrimental and may lead Atsushi to self-destruction.
The story has made very clear so far that to overcome this mindset Atsushi needs to reconcile with Akutagawa. I am not going to talk much about it here and I am simply linking two metas on Atsushi and Akutagawa’s relationship. They were made by @hamliet (this) and by @linkspooky (this).
The point is that Akutagawa represents everything Atsushi doesn’t want to accept about himself (the violence, the possibility of being left behind, how pathetic and wrong it is to let one’s worth being decided by others’ praise etc.). At the same time Atsushi is the same for Akutagawa.
Moreover, Atsushi and Akutagawa are also complementary as Dazai explains here:
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However, their complementarity should not be considered only on a functional level, but also on a symbolic one.
On one hand Atsushi’s ability lets him turn into a beast he is scared of and can’t control. He literally hides the tiger from both others and himself.
On the other hand Akutagawa transforms his coat into a beast and so he projects a violent persona.
Atsushi hides his aggressiveness, whereas Akutagawa wears it proudly and hides his vulnerability.
In short, they are both the same and opposite and this is why they can’t stand each other. This is also why they balance each other like yin and yang:
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Now, let’s consider this:
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It is obvious that Lucy and Akutagawa have a similar attitude when it comes to Atsushi in the sense that they are both envious of him. They think that Atsushi is blessed in ways they are not despite how similar they are. Atsushi is an orphan and an ability user like them, but despite this, he is receiving love while Lucy and Akutagawa are trapped in unhealthy environments where they constantly need to prove their value if they don’t want to be tossed away. They have also both lost against Atsushi once and have important moments with him while on Moby Dick.
In short, both Lucy and Akutagawa are there to remind Atsushi of his past self and they both need Atsushi to develop. Atsushi is struggling when it comes to his relationship with Akutagawa, but has successfully managed to get through Lucy and to influence her. So it makes sense that she has done the same for him. What is more, Lucy’s contribution to Atsushi’s arc has consisted in making him realize a very simple truth aka that if the ADA and the mafia join forces they can easily defeat the Guild.
This is something obvious, but Atsushi never considered it because he associates the mafia with something bad. This is obviously because of his bad experiences with the organization. However, even if the mafia is destructive and is surely not a noble organization, they can still be of help:
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It is not by chance that Atsushi has this realization while falling from the sky and so while he is observing things from an unusual perspective. As a matter of fact this simply adds to the symbolic change of POV he is experiencing and which has been triggered by Lucy.
At the same time, it is interesting that just after having this realization he is able to successfully control the tiger and to turn into it completely for the only time so far in the story:
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This scene summarizes Atsushi’s need to overcome his self-hate and to accept his power which is violent, but has also helped him to survive so far.
This acceptance will mostly happen through Atsushi’s acceptance of Akutagawa at one point. At the same time, on a macro level, the story needs a resolution of some type between the Mafia and the Ada since it is obvious that the two organizations are linked because of the past of many characters in the ADA being linked to the mafia somehow. Dazai, Yosano and Fukuzawa all have a past which involves one or more members of the mafia, for example.
In short, when it comes to Atsushi’s personal journey, him proposing to work with the mafia is a step in the direction of accepting his less noble parts.
Of couse, Atsushi’s wish to work together with the mafia is not so easy to realize both when it comes to Atsushi himself (he has still to settle his conflict with Akutagawa) and when it comes to others as well.
The difficulty of this integration when it comes to the two organizations, rather than to Atsushi as a character will be explored in the next part of the meta.
MORI AND GAME THEORY
Another important thing which happens during the battle in Anne’s room is Mori’s introduction:
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He is immediately associated with Game Theory.
In short, Game Theory is a discipline born to study human conflicts through a mathematical and abstract approach which involves mental games.
One of the most famous of these games is the Prisoner’s Dilemma:
Two members of a criminal gang are arrested and imprisoned. Each prisoner is in solitary confinement with no means of communicating with the other. The prosecutors lack sufficient evidence to convict the pair on the principal charge, but they have enough to convict both on a lesser charge. Simultaneously, the prosecutors offer each prisoner a bargain. Each prisoner is given the opportunity either to betray the other by testifying that the other committed the crime, or to cooperate with the other by remaining silent. The offer is:
If A and B each betray the other, each of them serves two years in prison
If A betrays B but B remains silent, A will be set free and B will serve three years in prison (and vice versa)
If A and B both remain silent, both of them will serve only one year in prison (on the lesser charge).
Given this dilemma, the most logical thing for an individual to do is to betray their partner no matter what. As a matter of fact, if they betray their partner without being betrayed the person will be free, whereas if both betray each other the person will still avoid the three years penalty which is the worst possible scenario. This is called a defeatist attitude. However, the prisoner’s dilemma also suggests that if both players were to cooperate (and so did not betray each other) their individual gains would be better than the ones they get when they both defeat (aka they betray each other). This is called a cooperative attitude.
This dilemma, or at least the core idea behind this dilemma (aka the choice between cooperation and defection) is important for the resolution of the Guild arc and for Mori’s character especially.
As a matter of fact it is clear that Mori is a defeatist:
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This is a very clear explanation of why a defeatist approach is considered the best when it comes to individual gain. By being a defeatist in a prisoner dilemma (and in some other similar dilemmas) one is sure not to lose when compared to others.
However, what is interesting is that this approach puts individual gain before the common one and this clearly shows how much of a contradictive character Mori is.
As a matter of fact, Mori’s philosophy is summarized here:
“A leader is both the head of the organization and the organization’s slave. For the survival and profit of the organization, they gladly put themselves through any manner of filth. They develop their subordinates and put them where they best fit and, if necessary, they use and dispose of them. (...) All for the organization and for the protection of this beloved city.”
He argues that he is acting for the greater good and that he is ready to sacrifice people and to be cruel to protect Yokohama. However, in the scene before he is embracing an attitude which (by default) gives priority to an individual or a group over society.
This is because, as the chapter A Tower of Silence, A Feast of Crows explores, Mori is actually thorn between opposite feelings:
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On one hand Mori manipulated the events of the Dark Era’s arc to have Dazai leave the mafia. On the other hand he has also asked Dazai to come back to the organization as an executive.
These two behaviours are opposite and underline an inconsistency. Mori should either want Dazai to stay away from the organization because he could kill him or Dazai to come back as an executive. He should not wish for both things since it is not logical. However, he keeps wavering between the two:
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He affirms he has no regrets over his past actions, but a second later he says something which implies he has. All in all, Mori’s motivations to agree to a temporally alliance are not rational, but emotional. Firstly, he makes the decision and only later he rationalizes it:
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This is shown also by the fact that Mori’s contribution to the “alliance” between the mafia and the ADA is not really to give the other organization full support, but merely to re-create a specific partnership he himself had wanted and to which he is clearly emotionally linked to an extent. All in all, Mori acts out of nostalgia.
In short, even if Mori is said to be the embodyment of logic and he justifies his misdeeds (both to others and to himself) as necessary to obtain greater results, he has an emotional side which clearly influences his decisions both for the better (accepting a temporary alliance) and for the worse (killing Odasaku to drive Dazai away).
However, this “emotional” side of Mori has at least two major problems which are symbolically represented by his ability.
Mori’s ability is called Vita Sexualis and it lets him create Elise. I would like to interprete this ability in two ways which are interconnected.
1) First of all, as others underlined, the fact that the entity created through an ability called Vita Sexualis is a child is symbolic of Mori’s willingness to pray on weaker people and of his inability to care about another person in a healthy way.
This is shown many times when more focus is given to Mori’s relationships. He became fond of Yosano because of her ability, projected his own issues on Dazai and groomed him, forced Chuuya to join the mafia because of his strength. He justifies all these actions by saying that he is trying to obtain beneficial results for everybody else, but what becomes clear is that Mori sees others as tools even when he develops some kind of twisted attachment to them:
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Here, Elise is annoyed because she states Mori is the one who forced her to save him. Basically she is saying that she has no freedom and this summarizes how Mori organizes his own relationships with others. He manipulates them and tries to control them exactly like he does with Elise.
In short, Elise is a metaphor of Mori’s twisted attachment to others and of its unhealthy aspects.
2) Elise is called after a character of The Dancing Girl which talks about a Japanese student in love with a German dancer. The main character must choose between her and his career and in the end he chooses the latter leaving the pregnant girl behind. As a result the girl has a nervous breakdown.
I think the plot of this short story fits Mori pretty well since he is said to be ready to sacrifice his sobordinates to reach his personal objectives.
In conclusion, I think Elise perfectly shows Mori’s attitude towards attachment and personal relationships. He might potentially be able to develop them, but he chooses to completely manipulate and control this part of himself (which remains underdeveloped like a child) and even to discard it in order to reach his objectives.
Finally, I would like to highlight that Atsushi’s reasons to demand an alliance and Mori’s ones to accept it are outlined in two consecutive chapters called after two quotes by the two respective authors.
This is interesting because it lets us build a comparison between them.
On one hand Atsushi represents the future. He is inexperienced, but he is ready to try new things without regrets.
On the other hand Mori represents the past. He is part of an older generation and has some regrets about his past, but will refuse to properly face them and will keep hiding behind a mask of logic and utilitarianism.
Atsushi claims that the head may herr, but never the blood, whereas Mori strongly refuses this philosophy and keeps offering apparently logic arguments to preserve himself. These approaches are opposite and can’t be reconciled. At the same time they highlight another thing.
One of the reasons why the integration between the two organizations and in general among the different sides of Yokohama is so difficutl is not only because of the characters’ personal problems (unwillingness to cooperate, old grudges etc.), but also because the younger characters who have the best chance to change things find themselves in a flawed system they inherited by older characters.
All in all the series explores the theme of having to deal with the consequences of one’s parents’ actions (both negative and positive) and the characters all need to make themselves independent from parental and mentor figures, so that they can become their own people.
KYOKA AND A PARENT’S LEGACY
When it comes to the struggle of overcoming one’s parents’ legacy many characters could be discussed.
For example, Akutagawa and Atsushi’s conflict is basically built on them projecting the complexes they acquired because of their respective mentors on each other.
Similarly, even older characters like Ranpo, Yosano, Chuuya, Dazai and even Mori and Fukuzawa have to deal with parental figures.
However, among all the characters, I think the best suited to explore this theme from a symbolic point of view is Kyoka.
Kyoka is (together with Kenji) the youngest member of the agency and it is generally one of the youngest characters of the series.
What is more, Kyoka has been influenced by both Akutagawa and Atsushi:
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Both Akutagawa and Atsushi have been trying to give her a reason to live and in doing so they have both imitated Dazai.
Dazai linked Akutagawa’s sense of worth to his strength, so Akutagawa did the same to Kyouka hoping that this would have given her a reason to live.
Since Kyoka attempted suicide at the beginning of the series, it is obvious that this approach did not work.
Atsushi on the other hand was saved by Dazai even if he saw himself as worthless. So he does the same with Kyoka and gives her a taste of a new possible life.
In short, it is as if Kyoka has experienced both sides of Dazai through Akutagawa and Atsushi. Both methods have been attempted with her and maybe it is exactly because of this that Kyoka needs Dazai’s encouragement to break free from her belief that she is no good:
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These words are symbolically said while both Akutagawa and Atsushi are fighting against a common enemy to save the city. Kyouka knows them both and must find her own personal way to live which is probably a synthesis between theirs.
Because of this, she is also in the perfect situation to understand them both and we were shown hints that she does:
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She is starting to see the true reason behind Akutagawa’s cruel behaviour and the unhealthy ones behind Atsushi’s noble one. She probably understands both and because of this she is also able to see their limits.
Having to deal with positive and negative aspects of one’s upbringing is also at the root of Kyoka’s ability.
Demon Snow is an inherited ability. Kyoka’s mother transferred it to her daughter before dying. In other words, the demon is nothing more than a legacy and it has both positive and negative traits linked to Kyoka’s parents themselves.
1) Demon Snow is associated by Kyoka to the act of killing. As a matter of fact the demon killed her parents and later on she is turned into an assassin by the mafia because of this ability.
In other words the demon symbolizes her talent as an assassin which she both has and despises:
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However, it is later revealed that Kyoka’s own father used to work as an assassin and her mother was at least part of this violent world as well. So, in a sense, Demon Snow is a symbol of this side of Kyoka’s parents.
2) Demon Snow is also an embodyment of her parents’ love:
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As a matter of fact both her parents chose to die in order to protect Kyouka and her mother gave her the demon, so that she could be protected by it.
In short, the demon itself is a complicated legacy Kyoka has to struggle with. On one hand her parents loved her and did the best they could to protect her. On the other hand their involvement in a violent world made so that both of them died early and left Kyoka alone. What is more, even if Demon Snow was given to Kyoka to protect her (and it will surely do so in the future), its presence made so that the government used Kyoka as a scapegoat for her parents’ death and the mafia turned her into an assassin.
All in all Kyoka is a child left alone too soon and too suddenly and she has trouble coming to terms with it. In order to do so she needs to understand her parents and what they left to her better. So it makes sense that her arc so far has been also about her gaining a better control of Demon Snow:
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She has shown new tricks while fighting Akutagawa, which hints at the fact she is slowly making Demon Snow her own ability. Let’s underline, for example, that among her likes there are ghosts and that she has become able to make Demon Snow intangible.
This struggle to make Demon Snow her own and at the same time to better understand it (and so to better understand her past and herself) is perfectly illustrated thanks to the symbolic use of Kyoka’s phone:
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This phone was given to Kyouka, so that she could call her mother if she needed. So the fact that the demon can only be controlled through that phone underlines two things aka her being unable to overcome her parents’ death and her dependance on others guiding her.
In short, Kyoka is a child who is in desperate need of guidance, but is in an environment where she is manipulated. After all the two people who use the phone are Akutagawa aka his superior and Koujo who is basically a motherly figure. They are two people who have authority when it comes to Kyoka and are supposed to guide her, but fail to do so.
For Kyoka to grow she needs two things.
She needs to assert her individuality:
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She needs a safe place where she can nurture this new found and frail sense of self.
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As a matter of fact, one can’t expect a child to save herself no matter how much willingness she has.
This is where the agency and Fukuzawa come in:
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Fukuzawa is a mentor/father figure for the members of the agency and basically adopts Kyoka on the spot. Let’s highlight that his ability is perfect for a father figure since it works by firstly accepting a person as a member of a group (a “family”) and then by letting this person gain a major control on their gift. Let’s add that to be accepted a person must show to hold some ideals and that the control given changes from individual to individual. These conditions describe the agency pretty well. All in all the agency is a place where different people sharing a desire to help others meet and are given the chance to be themselves.
Fukuzawa’s ability which supports instead of controlling takes the place of the phone and gives Kyoka the chance to grow.
As previously stated many other characters will have to take similar steps into overcoming their parental figures’ legacies.
In a sense, Cannibalism is an arc which perfectly shows both this and the fact that almost all the characters are far from succeeding, as for now.
In Cannibalism the leaders of the two organizations are out of commission. However, the two people who are supposed to temporally lead the two groups fail in almost opposite ways. Chuuya is too aggressive in his leadership and ends up in a trap because of his personal feelings, whereas Kunikida’s leadership is too weak. After all, by the end the majority of the agency prefers to fight the mafia head on together with Ranpo instead of continuing the investigation  with Kunikida. And even when it comes to the investigation it is Atsushi the one who insists on it while Kunikida can’t choose between the two options given to him. We can say that Chuuya doesn’t consider other options and so doesn’t think enough, while Kunikida thinks too much to the point that he is stopped in his tracks.
What is more, the arc makes perfectly clear that both Chuuya and Ranpo are two people who still depend a lot from respectively Mori and Fukuzawa aka the adults who took them in as kids and that they see as role models. It is because of this that the two fight and this almost leads to the destruction of the city and of both organizations.
Finally it is interesting that even Mori and Fukuzawa fall into the trap and they too need the intervention of their former teacher to stop:
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LOVED ONES AND THE GREATER GOOD
Finally I would like to discuss briefly a foiling introduced in the Guild arc, but still ongoing and which will probably be important later on.
I am talking about the foiling between Mori and Fitzgerald.
As explained above Mori is a character whose philosophy is built around the idea that he is doing what he is doing because of the greater good. The section dedicated to him highlights some contradictions between this idea and Mori’s actions, but the imporant thing here is to recognize that this is the narrative Mori builds.
Fitzgerald tells himself a completely different one:
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He is doing what he is doing for his own family and subordinates.
Let’s highlight that, while Mori affirms he will discard people to obtain a positive result for the city, Fitzgerald is ready to completely destroy Yokohama if it means his subordinates won’t have to suffer anymore.
However, Fitzgerald is just as contradictive as Mori is. After all, by the end of the Guild arc many of his subordinates have suffered because of him.
Lucy has been treated coldly just because she failed one mission.
Mitchell is in a coma and Hawthorne called Fitzgerald out on this.
Steinbeck resents Fitzgerald because of his actions.
Melville lost Moby Dick.
All in all we can say Fitzgerald did a pretty poor job when it came to him taking care of his comrades.
However, he has been clearly set up for redemption and it is clear that his way to climb back up consists in him facing his former subordinates (like Hawthorne, Mitchell and Steinbeck) and saving them.
Mori on the other hand has not been set up for redemption so far and the current arc has (so far) given more focus on his darkest tendencies.
We’ll see where they go, but as for now, it is interesting that they are basically opposite and that their extreme behaviours are both portrayed as wrong exactly because they are extreme.
Tossing people away when they are not useful anymore can’t lead to the greater good, but only caring about a bunch of loved ones and being utterly dismissive of others isn’t the right option.
The ADA is depicted as an organization which is in the middle. On one hand they are meant to help people and society. On the other hand they treat each other like family. The point is not about choosing between loved ones and the greater good, but rather to find an equilibrium between them.
Wishing to follow an ideal and creating bonds are both human needs and they must be recognized as such in both their beautiful parts and their limits. It is especially important to be conscious that each one of them can lead to disaster if it is not balanced by the other.
This is what Fyodor is trying to do with his schemes after all.
Both in Cannibalism and in the Decay of Angels arc Fyodor is taking things dear to his targets and twisting them, so that they become the reason why chaos happens.
In Cannibalism he targets the two leaders of the mafia and of the ADA knowing that their subordinates will be willing to do all they can to save them and that the two leaders as well will act to protect their subordinates.
The characters are so lost in Fyodor’s manipulation that Natsume himself needs to come back to remind his mentees the core idea of the tripartite tactic aka a strategy born to preserve the peace of Yokohama.
In the current arc what Fyodor is targeting is the ideals of both the Agency and of the Hunting Dogs.
Both organizations want to fight injustice and to protect people. However, it is precisely because of this that their members are easily manipulated:
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The agency had been advised beforehand to refuse the job, but they still take it and this is why they fall in Fyodor’s trap. If they had just accepted for once to let someone else save the hostages or if they had worked more closely with the police they could have avoided the Decay of Angels’ set-up.
Similarly the Hunting Dogs are so obsessed by the idea that they are the heroes who should punish criminals that they don’t even realize that the people they are trying to kill are innocent. They are so sure to be the right side that they can’t see that they have become pawns of that same criminal organization that they are supposed to stop:
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All in all this is a perfect strategy for an organization called the decay of angels because it uses people’s desire to be in the right and it twists and taints it.
However, if the previous arc was solved thanks to the acceptance of having to fight together for a greater good, this arc will probably show the importance of people’s feelings:
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All in all, the people who know the detectives are sure of their innocence and this is true not only for their friends and allies, but also for their former enemies:
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This highlights the importance of getting to know people instead of quickly condemning them and it also ties with another fact.
Despite the fantastic worldbuilding element of a book which can turn fiction into reality, the point of the arc is that the ADA is victim of a false narrative which paints them as criminals. It is something which can happen in the real world too despite the lack of magic and special abilities. The reason why this narrative is so quickly accepted is not just that the book is playing with everyone’s heads, but also this:
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The police and some politicians have been resenting the agency since before and have been trying to destroy it. This is because all in all the agency is made by a bunch of people society wanted to discard. However, they found a place who accepted them and showed society they could be of help. Despite this, a part of society is still suspicious of them, of their abilities and of their past crimes. This is why they are all so quick to accept the narrative built by Fyodor no matter how many times in the past the agency helped the police or the country.
In short, the current arc is also an arc where society is criticized as an imperfect structure. At the same time, the ADA finds itself once again between two organizations with opposite beliefs.
On one hand the Hunging Dogs have chosen to follow society rules and orders without nuance. On the other hand the Decay of Angels is a group of terrorists who want to destroy society.
The ADA will probably find a happy medium between the two stances which are both being criticized by the narrative.
CONCLUSION
This analysis tried to outline some recurring themes in the story and some characters used to explore them. It also tried to show some connections among the major arcs we have had so far.
As a summary I would say that the themes discussed are the following ones:
1) The necessity to integrate with the parts of one-self an individual refuses to aknowledge. This is true also for society in general.
2) The necessity to find an equilibrium between feelings and rationality, people and ideals.
3) The necessity to grow up and to make oneself independent from one’s parents. This can also lead to a better understanding of one’s parents as well since it lets the individual see them like their own people instead than simply their parents.
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opalgelance · 4 years
Text
thoughts on steven universe future
td;lr overall opinion: steven universe future is better than most of the original steven universe, especially seasons 3-5, but there are still some real iffy plotlines in future
i hate that the diamonds were redeemed but at the same time, the happy clouds blue and yellow putting gems back together scenes were so pure
it simultaneously warms my heart and infuriates me 
but we finally got a blue diamond song, god i love her voice
EDIT: also steven basically tortured white diamond and nearly killed her and it was pretty disturbing bc steven is 1. in a really bad mental state, like way darker than i thought they’d show him go, since this is technically a kids show and 2. was also kind of trying to hurt himself, which both hit me really hard bc i had similar periods of blazing anger, wanting to self harm and harm others that i felt had wronged me when i was a teenager, but its also what white deserves
ncsndlljklkcndkls i want to enjoy this show so bad but,,, steven having ptsd makes him a violent douche??? diamonds killed who knows how many gems in their reign and never really felt bad about it in original su but now they’re supportive life coaches??? no thank you
on more positive notes, i loved how priyanka described mental health and how she treated steven throughout the entire check up, she was so nonconfrontational and whenever he felt stressed she deescalated the situation,,, it was so good
the animation is the best its been since season 2. the poses are clean, very well drawn, and on model. there are more action scenes than like 90% of steven universe and they’re animated way better, like theres actual fighting and motion asjksacbcbj no one is stiffly posed, no one has strange proportions, no one is drastically changing sizes in between shots (well besides steven in growing pains onward but when he does change size its supposed to be like that lol)
i liked seeing the real roses but didnt love it? i wish we saw more of the roses designs up close, and i wish they fit a little more with the other quartzes? it might be just because its era 3, but the roses were all way more unique than jaspers and amethysts generally seem to be. i like that they were more unique designs and had different personalities, but surely the diamonds wouldnt have tolerated that back in era 1 or even era 2, had the rose quartzes not been bubbled? also i get that they’re reminiscent of pink bc she created them, but hippie and superfan were so naive, more so than other quartzes. if each quartz group was slightly different, it would make a little more sense tbh like if quartzes were the entire gem army, but each group was slightly different. i always liked the idea that rose quartzes were either the defense or the healers of the gem army.
little homeschool and guidance were fun and genuinely enjoyable, considering not a whole ton happens in them. i wish townie episodes had been more like them. like you could replace the gems with random humans, but it would still be a fun episode? idk, maybe involving the humans in gem stuff wouldve made better townie episodes, like lars and the cool kids. it wouldve probably helped steven feel more “human” too, if the human and gem worlds collided a bit more in the series.
bluebird was... an ok episode, but im not sure how well it will fit into what i feel like the end will be, where every episode of future featured someone steven helped or affected in some way, and they all come together to help steven when he corrupts. or rather, i guess if bluebird did say something, it would feel more hollow bc steven didnt help them lol the gems and universes were just friendly to them, and thats it. it wasnt as bad as a very special episode (my least favorite episode of future), but it felt like a townie episode with no townies LOL at least we got a new fusion i guess
a very special episode was just,,, infuriating. there was that weird football scene where they just like,,, talk about screen resolution for a minute then play the full commercial for little homeworld we just saw last episode???? i did genuinely enjoy the rainbow scenes, but it just built up to not nothing. oh no, it was something alright. the whole episode was just future vision and then theres like a minute long psa??? it felt like that wacky randomness that would have happened in like, ok ko, teen titans go, or clarence jaskjcbkcjbskb
mr universe is tied with dear old dad episode as my least favorite greg episode. i get how both of them feel. greg wanted to tell steven about how he escaped from his miserable childhood and remade who he was, no longer a demayo but a universe. the problem imo was that greg became way too absorbed in the past. it reminds me a bit of s1 pearl, how she’d proudly recount gem battles and basked in the glory of fighting for their freedom, but she struggled when she had to recount the more unsavory parts of war. and that really affected amethyst, since she didnt fight in the glorified war pearl told her and steven about. amethyst was the byproduct of one of the bad parts of the war, and that became part of her identity, until on the run, where pearl finally realized that she needed to tell amethyst that she wasnt bad. amethyst’s creation may have fractionally hurt the earth, but that wasnt her fault. it wasnt her fault that she emerged too late to fight either. and it wasnt her fault that she existed. sounds familiar to to stevens rant in the van. 
steven didnt ask to be made. he didnt ask to be the half gem half human son of a diamond. but he grew up being told about how great his mom was, and that while no one would ever say it, she was gone because of him. to create steven, rose had to die. it was roses decision, but as the product of that decision, steven feels responsible. not only that, but being told constantly about his amazing mother, steven felt like he had to live up to her, had to be like her, had to replace her in the gems and greg’s lives. throughout the series, steven is constantly either trying to be like his mother, until he realizes its ok to be himself. but then the question is posed; is steven even himself? or is he still part of rose? and once he finds out that he’s steven, and has always been steven, he’s still reeling from the realization that his mother was pink diamond. and that really shows in future, where steven is becoming like pink. at first he doesnt even know, because besides the jungle moon dream, him and the audience never knew about this side of pink. this angry, short tempered, diamond who lashes out mostly physically. and unlike before, no one’s telling steven about pink (besides pink pearl) hes finding out firsthand, and this pink mode is basically being forced on him by his gem. steven has little to no control over this form. hes not trying to live up to his mother, or wondering if he is her, like before. now, he’s losing control to whatever programming is in his gem.
but back to mr universe. in the van, greg is going on and on about how lucky steven is, and how free steven is, but how can either of them compare their lives to each other? the similarities just arent there. steven is right, greg and pink were “raised” in very similar “households”. both had their wishes and desires suppressed by controlling, abusive parents. we know pink was abused mentally, verbally and physically (being physically dragged away from the screen by yellow in jungle moon, stevonnie being grabbed and thrown into the time out cell by yellow, when she still thought steven was pink), but greg at the very least was mentally assaulted. but they diverge from here. as greg said, he thought disco was back. rose started a war. you cant compare them any further. 
but at the same time, steven was raised completely differently. he was raised in a home with love and freedom, but he was also not given the opportunity to be a normal kid. theres a difference being forcing your kid to do something and not giving them the chance to try something. steven was never given the option to go to school (well in the comics he was but i guess thats not canon now since it seems like steven wishes he went to school?) he was never given the option to live in a house, or go to the mall with friends. the only other kids he knew were the boardwalk kids, but even then, he doesnt seem very close with them. for such an outgoing, friendly kid, steven wasnt given many opportunities to make friends. steven’s upbringing was very relaxed, yes, but it was too relaxed. he needed more structure, and more importantly, more humanity. i always thought it was weird, how little steven seems to have interacted with humans before connie, considering that his mother so desperately wanted steven to experience being human. yes the show is about gems, (and yes, i dont like most townie episodes), but steven was never shown doing a lot of “human” kid things inbetween episodes. the episode never started with him coming home from a friends house, he hardly ever spent time with friends other than connie in little scenes. like he was never called for a mission while playing cards with peedee, or coming home after an after school activity. any scenes like that were either just steven by himself, or with greg, and occasionally connie. but connie is a new addition to his life. how many years has he been doing fun stuff with only his dad for company, or by himself? yknow, “non traditional” childhoods and living situations are becoming more and more common in media, rather than the “two parents in a suburb house” thing, but steven’s life is beyond any unusual childhood any other kid would have. i mean he’s never even been to the doctor! which is probably for several reasons, like the fact that he apparently doesnt have a ssn, he can heal himself, has a damn gemstone in his stomach, and is half alien. but still, thats not something he has in common with other kids. no matter how much love and freedom he was given, steven was raised as an outcast.
i agree with the notion that both greg and steven were both right and wrong in mr universe. i guess they both have that in common with rose lol 
greg should have read the room better, realized that his pep talk wasnt the support and apology steven needed to hear. but steven shouldnt have acted out in the way he did. i get that’s the “theme” of steven’s spiral, maybe for the younger audience to better understand how steven is acting? but crashing his dad’s van that gregs been living in for like 20 years? fucking SHATTERING jasper? that’s going way too far to prove a point. it would have been better to maybe mirror story for steven, where marty and greg are arguing, marty is watching the road and they narrowly avoid hitting a car. but crashing the car could have been pretty serious, especially for greg. now jasper, that episode shouldnt have been approved. steven should not have shattered jasper. he fucking killed her. rose/pink didnt even shatter anyone. and if it wasnt for steven getting another superpower out of nowhere, jasper would have stayed that way. he should have just cracked her gem, poofing her in the process. the rest of the episode wouldve played out exactly the same.
anyways ive been writing this for like 2 hours but i feel better letting it all out. if you enjoy future keep enjoying it! it’s definitely more like a B+ compared to season 3-5′s general C-/D+. but please take into consideration future has some themes that people personally relate to, like mental health, and that you shouldnt shit on someone elses opinions that are based on their own personal experiences. especially if you dont have mental health issues, dont keep pushing your opinion and telling people that personally relate to future’s themes that they’re wrong? thats fucked up man
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freckliedan · 4 years
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I'm sorry, I really disagree with you. I don't think anyone HAS to accept critisicm unless that person is like, their teacher. Anons and others of tumblr are not that. She wrote something that was very deep and very personal, tagged it as such, and posted in on the internet. All things that are allowed. Logging off when you don't want to see hate is totally reasonable- if someone was screaming in your face, walking away is a good response. I don't understand the way people reacted to this.
I guess, she just doesn't have to aplogise because people are telling her to. It was all her choice-posting it, taking it down, etc. It might be sad or make people angry if she doesn't react the way they'd like, but thats part of being on the internet. It goes both ways here. I'm really not trying to come at people all up in arms- I understand there is upset. But that is part of being a bloody human, let alone on the internet. For something like a fic? We don't get to tell her what to do.
I'm like specifically not anon here cos I really don't want to argue or seem hostile. Discussion is good, I'm not here to hate on you or anyone. I hope it didn't come across that way.
hi b! thank you so much for your messages, especially the last one clarifying tone! you weren’t coming across as hostile, especially because of being off anon, but i always tend to doubt myself when reading tone so it meant a lot to have a clear confirmation that i was reading things right 💛 and also thank you because i’m really glad for the chance to have a discussion with someone who has a different point of view from me; i always worry a lot about what will happen if i only talk with/listen to people who think similarly to me and it means the world to me when people who disagree with my thoughts are comfy having conversations with me.
i’m worried that i haven’t been entirely clear expressing my point of view, and that that’s a part of what you don’t agree with? because i agree with a lot of what you’ve said, and that makes me think the disagreement might be because i’m not communicating clearly? (my apologies if this gets quite long, my instinct is always to over-explain things & it comes not from a place of condescension but from a desire to make as much sense as possible)
tl;dr for the contents below the cut:
overall the message that i’m trying to send is not that sarah should apologize/change her behavior or that her leaving tumblr due to the hateful messages she was receiving at the same time as legitimate criticism was wrong. the message i’m trying to send is that due to her pattern of behavior, i don't think she’s willing to hold herself accountable for her actions, and that because of that/because the only person anyone can control is themself it’s up to us as a community to decide whether we’re okay with sarah’s actions and are going to support her by not acting on anything, or if we’re not okay with her actions and if we’re not, what actions we’re going to take about this situation. (this was going to be my final paragraph but i put it here instead).
i’m going to number these just to try to add a little organization in my responses to everything?
1) you’re right that nobody has to accept criticism from anyone; the only person anyone can control is themself, and i would never push the idea that the best resolution to a conflict situation is changing someone else's behavior/the only way to resolve something is for someone else’s behavior to change. what i am saying is that in society, it is generally accepted that an appropriate response to being told that something you did/said was in the wrong is evaluating whether what you did or said was hurtful, and if it was going on to apologize and change your behavior as best you're able in the future.(the reason i included evaluating whether what you did or said was hurtful is because sometimes abusers tell their victims that they are bad or in the wrong for setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, which isn’t a bad or wrong thing at all, and even though that’s not the topic of this post i don’t want to put the message into the world that literally 100% of the time people must apologize and change their behavior when told they’ve hurt someone. evaluation of the situation is important).and there is no literal law or rule that says you have to apologize and modify your behavior when someone tells you you've done something hurtful and their criticism/call in is an accurate assessment of the situatoin, but in general? refusing to apologize and change when it’s true that you’ve hurt someone is the asshole thing to do.and even though there’s no rule saying someone has to apologize, it's very socially accepted that if you say "hey, this thing you did hurt me/someone i care about and i don't know if you realized, so i'm telling you with the assumption that you don't want to hurt other people again in the future" and the other person says "there's no rule saying i have to accept criticism or apologize to anyone"? that person is kind of an asshole and you can choose not to spend time around them or interact with them in the future.
so like, nobody has to accept criticism from others but refusing to accept any criticism whatsoever often means people probably won’t want to spend time around you because you clearly don’t care about others’ feelings?
i'm not saying sarah has to accept criticism or apologise, i'm saying that if sarah continually shows a disregard for other people's wellbeing by refusing to accept criticism, it's reasonable for people to choose not to interact with her anymore. 
i’ve been blocked by her and her friends since (i believe) january, when i was sending supportive asks to a minor who was recieving violent anon hate for making room on his blog for other minors who were uncomfortable with the teenagers fanfic; i have the people who blocked me blocked in return, because before now i was choosing to deal with this by following my own advice and refusing to interact with individuals who have behaved hurtfully and refused to change but at this point in time feel it necessary to speak out for the reasons i listed in my long reply on a post about the current discourse (link for context, though i think that post may be why i got these asks?)
2) also, i agree with you that disengaging when you’re receiving hateful messages is incredibly valid and honestly the smartest thing for anyone’s mental health when conflict gets out of control on tumblr. i don’t consider the hateful messages sarah was getting to have been constructive criticism of the kind i’ve previously been describing in this post; i’m fully against anyone sending anon hate for any reason. amber answered an ask about this (link) and i agree with everything amber said. for me, it is both true that the anon hate sarah received was horrible and inexcusable and that i cannot continue standing by while she refuses to be held accountable for the impact of her actions, regardless of her intent.
3) i think in response to you not understanding the way people reacted to this, that’s probably connected to the one place where we do have a major difference in the way we’re thinking? specifically the part where you said “She wrote something that was very deep and very personal, tagged it as such, and posted in on the internet. All things that are allowed.”
you’re right that there’s no laws or literal rules preventing what she did, and i think i’ve repeatedly said that i understand and support people writing fic to cope with their own experiences, but that sarah crossed a line when posting this fic specifically. amber covers that really well in her response to an ask, as well (link). please read what amber said; i am in total agreement with them. 
what you said about sarah’s fic-that it was very deep and very personal- is also true about what dan shared with us in basically i’m gay. publishing a fic that uses dan’s trauma in the way that sarah did is incredibly dehumanizing and it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach with horror. dan and phil are human people, and it’s never okay to take ownership over another person’s trauma like that.
does that make sense? i don’t mean to have an aggressive or hostile tone whatsoever either, and i can’t tell whether i’ve succeeded in avoiding that in this reply.
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vulpesmellifera · 4 years
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1 and 4?
Thanks for asking, anonymous person! <3
1. Describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic.
I guess a typical me fic is one where the protagonist experiences a shift in thinking, an arc that leads to meaningful character change...not to say most stories don’t have that. Character growth in a story is part of why we’re reading the story, usually, right? But, I guess, for me, it’s about staying trapped in one way of thinking, and then bursting out, and taking control of your own narrative. Coming into living authentically. Treasuring yourself and others. Cutting off those who aren’t good to us. Stopping doing the things that make us unhappy. Creating your life’s meaning. So as much as a typical me-fic might include mythology and fairytales and various lines of philosophical thinking, the core portion that excites me most is bringing about that character transformation.
I explained this to my SO once, and they said, “Oh, you’re talking about anagnorisis.” I’m mostly ignorant of literary devices, so I didn’t even know there was a name for this, and I read Aristotle’s Poetics so long ago that I didn’t even recall that he described literary devices. (Note to self: reread Poetics.) So yeah, the anagnorisis, or “a moment in a plot or story...wherein the main character either recognizes or identifies his/her true nature, recognizes the other character’s true identity, discovers the true nature of his situation, or that of the others – leading to the resolution of the story,” is what I live for. (Definition taken from literarydevices.net.) And I love to have it framed within mythology/folktale/fairytale themes, or echoes of philosophical thought. 
When I try to write a fic without these themes, it’s honestly harder for me to do. I’ve tried to write longer fics without these sort of heavy-handed themes, and it just doesn’t excite me as much as a writer. So, that’s my comfort zone. 
4. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them?
While I always have projects I actively make myself work on, a lot of them slide in and out of my consciousness. I’m currently writing Magnetic North, Esquisse, and I’m just days away from starting The Killing Principle. Finishing up that outline right now and I can’t wait to really start writing it. This past weekend, I outlined Into the Gloaming, and last week I outlined A Song for a Siren. I’m editing Taking Flight and passing chapters to my betas. I’ve been writing notes for A Hue of Loss and A Glass Obscured. And just this past 24 hours, my mind has been yelling a new story at me. It’s for Halloween. I’ll share about that one:
Greg is descended from a line of spiritual mediums. He joins the police force because victims of violent deaths have reached out to him through dreams and through automatic drawing. It’s not always clear what they want, but he works doggedly to bring them justice, earning him promotion through the ranks quickly. But it’s tiresome work. It haunts him when he can’t help someone. Finding Sherlock Holmes is a dream come true - someone who can help him quickly bring peace to these ghosts and to his sleep. Then Sherlock dies. 
When a particularly horrifying case shows up on the DI’s desk, in his dreams, and in his drawings, he goes to the next best person for help: Mycroft Holmes. 
The questions are here:
 https://vulpesmellifera.tumblr.com/post/611478197807235072/40-questions-meme-for-fic-writers
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