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unfortunate-stranger-losers · 4 years

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All Those Things They Couldn’t Say - A Runaway Baudelaires AU

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Chapter Ten - The Baudelaires tour the Reptile Room

Eventually, Monty called for them, and the children made it back downstairs and found their way to the kitchen. They were surprised, upon entering, to see that Monty had indeed made a cake for them. Gustav and him sat at the table, and handed each child a piece before letting them choose their seat.

“Sunny doesn’t like soft foods, I’m sorry.” Violet said as they sat.

“That’s unusual for an infant,” Monty said, “But not for many snakes. Perhaps she would like a raw carrot?”

“Ooh-ee.” Sunny said, as he pulled a carrot from a bowl and passed it to her. “That would be lovely.”

“Thank you, you didn’t have to do this.” Violet inspected the cake. Perhaps he had poisoned it? No, Gustav was eating, too, and he’d let them select their own pieces…

“It’s really no trouble.” Monty smiled. He paused, and then said, “Your parents… told you about me?”

Violet hesitated. “Not a lot. We don’t know much.”

“But they designated you our first safehouse should we be separated.” Klaus explained.

“Well,” Monty grinned. “That is an honor.”

Gustav cleared his throat. He looked a bit more skeptical than Monty. “You said you were Beatrice and Bertrand’s children?”

The way he emphasized their father’s name confused Klaus a moment, trying to figure out why that was important. Violet quickly said, “Yes. They got married after running away. We… we can name facts about them, if you-”

“No, no, we believe you.” Monty said. “Like I said, you look just like your parents.”

“You knew them well?” Klaus asked.

Monty nodded. “We volunteered together.”

They tried to hold back sighs. “That’s nice.” Violet finally said. “We hate to impose, but… we just need somewhere to stay until our parents escape.”

“What exactly happened?” Gustav asked, leaning forwards. “You said that…”

“That Count Olaf captured them?” Violet stared very hard down at her food. “Yeah. He did. We… he…”

“He forged a telegram from one of our contacts.” Klaus decided that was the best way to put it. “And killed him. The telegram told us to come to the city and meet him, but it was a trap. They… they got our parents, we only got out because of Violet.”

“If you hadn’t run for Mother and Father,” Violet said quietly, “I would’ve been too frozen to think of anything, and we’d still be in his horrible clutches.”

“If I hadn’t run for Mother and Father, I wouldn’t have gotten this bruise.”

“But we would’ve been worse off.” Violet shook, remembering the Count’s hands running through her hair. “They put Sunny in a birdcage. When we escaped, we broke into a house that had a library, so we could use a dictionary to break the lock.”

“How did you do that?” Gustav asked, confused.

“We hit it until it fell off.” Klaus said.

“Oh.”

“A… a woman found us.” Violet started to fiddle with the edge of her shirt. “But she called the police. We got them to at least suspect Olaf of trying to hurt us, but we had to run. We… we came here. Sorry-”

“Don’t be sorry, children.” Monty leaned over and put a hand over Klaus, who was seated nearest to him. “You are in trouble, and you came to us, and we will protect you. Gustav, you said you administered medical treatment to their wounds?”

“As best I could.” Gustav considered. “I doubt a hospital would be wise. I assume you don’t legally exist?”

The kids shook their heads. “Bit hard to fill out a birth certificate on the run.” Klaus said.

“We could contact… some associates of ours.”

“Please don’t.” Violet said.

“Gustav,” Monty said carefully, “You know Beatrice and Bertrand… didn’t part on good terms with our associates. Let’s let the children stay awhile and figure out what to do.”

“Only if that’s okay.” Violet said cautiously.

“Of course.” Monty smiled. “You’re always welcome in my home. Now… do you children want to see my collection?”

“Raccolta?” Sunny asked, which meant, “What collection?”

“Why, my reptiles!” Monty stood up, holding out his hands to help the children to their feet. “I’m a herpetologist, after all! What kind of a herpetologist would I be if I didn’t have reptiles?”

“Is that the… reptile room?” Violet asked.

“It’s my Reptile Room, Violet!” Monty said. “And it’s filled with all sorts of wonderful creatures that Gustav and I are studying! Would you like to see?”

“Is it safe?”

Monty smiled. “It’s perfectly safe. I promise, so long as you keep a level head, no harm will come to you in the Reptile Room.”

Klaus, who had read a little about reptiles but never had the opportunity to study them, looked to Violet hopefully. “Vi, can we?”

She hesitated, and then nodded. “Sure. Why not?”

Klaus grinned and picked up Sunny, shouldering her as Violet carefully followed Monty, glancing back to see Gustav coming after them, watching them just as carefully.

Monty led them to the door underneath the stairs, and he showed them his top-of-the-line security system- a bunch of useless levers and gears, disguising the simple doorknob.

“Brilliant.” Klaus said.

“Ooh.” Sunny said.

Monty smiled and swung open the door, and Klaus immediately gasped and ran inside, a cheering Sunny in his arms.

The room, walled with glass, was filled to the brim with cages and containers, all with brightly-colored reptiles. Snakes and turtles, lizards and newts, everything the children could think of. Klaus immediately ran to a glass container, showing Sunny the two-headed cobra inside, while Violet found herself wandering to a large cage, holding three winged lizards, flapping between perches and chirping. She knelt by the complex lock, eyes widening.

“This is impressive.” she said, reaching for her hair ribbon.

“It has to be.” said Gustav, smiling. “The lizards keep escaping.”

“In fact, the only one we haven’t figured out how to lock up is our Incredibly Deadly Viper.” Monty said, smiling. He glanced towards a cage that was, indeed, swinging open, and said, “Speaking of which, where’ve- oh! There it is!”

Sunny giggled as the coal-black snake slithered over a hanging pole, made to look like a tree branch. It slid down, hissing in Sunny’s face; Klaus hesitated slightly, wondering if he should move back, but Sunny laughed and reached forwards, grabbing its head.

“Dr Montgomery,” Klaus said, eyeing the snake.

“Oh, please call me Monty.”

“Dr Montgomery,” Klaus continued, “Are there any snakes in here that are dangerous?”

“Why, of course.” Monty said. “You can’t study reptiles without coming across dangerous ones. Why, I have a cabinet filled with venom samples from every snake known to herpetology! But all the poisonous reptiles are kept in cages with sturdy locks. I promise you, children, they cannot harm you in here.”

Violet inspected another lock; these did seem to be very well-made, hard to remove. She looked up at the snake inside, and then she smiled a little. “This place is amazing.” she said. A crocodile, contained by the wall, let out a cry, sounding very much like it was saying Woe is me. Violet smiled, and then imitated its call. “Woe is me!”

Gustav, surprised, came over to her. “You have a very good impression of the broken-hearted crocodile.”

“I can imitate lots of different voices and sounds.” Violet shrugged. “But Klaus is better at forging-”

“Monty,” Klaus started, looking over at a far wall, “Are those books?”

“Of course! That’s my library! You may read whatever you wish from it.”

“We can read…” Klaus was enchanted.

“And you won’t call the police?” Violet asked, just to be sure. “They’ll just arrest our parents when they come for us.”

“No. Just us. And if you’re uncomfortable and want to leave, I’ll ensure you get to the next safehouse as soon as you can- I’m sure you have others?” the children nodded. “But please, make yourselves at home.”

Violet paused, and her and Klaus shared a look. They weren’t sure what they were to be expected to do in return. Every now and again they’d stayed in the guest room of some house or another, and their parents had done some chores or repaired a furnace or something.

“We could help around.” Violet said after a while. “I’m very good at repairing things.”

“I can clean the library, and I can read up on snakes to help with the care.” Klaus volunteered. “I’m sure we can think of something for Sunny to do…”

Monty smiled warmly, and walked over to Violet, putting a hand on her shoulder. “That won’t be necessary. That won’t be necessary at all. You’re guests in our home, and we will take care of you as best we can.”

Violet stared up at him, and felt some kind of peace wash over her.

He’d take care of them.

They all slept in the same room- for understandable reasons, they really didn’t want to be separated at the moment.

As Violet crawled into bed, Sunny curled up and snoring on the pillow beside her, she said, “I think we can trust him. For now.”

“Yeah.” Klaus nodded fervently. “So long as he doesn’t call the police or VFD on us. What do you think of Gustav?”

“Bit more suspicious.” Violet considered. “But he seems to listen to Monty. Be a bit careful around him, but I don’t think we have to worry too much.”

“Are you sure?”

Violet sild under the blankets, tucking them over Sunny, too. “I’m never sure. But- close as I can be, yes.”

“And do you think our parents can find us here?”

Violet shut her eyes. “They will.”

They have to.

#asoue #asoue netflix #asoue au #a series of unfortunate events #runaway baudelaires au #all those things they couldn't say #asoue fanfiction #my fanfic #mine

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thecloserkin · 5 years

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fic rec: Dante’s Stars by Pretani

fandom: A Series of Unfortunate Events

pairing: Violet Baudelaire/Klaus Baudelaire

word count: 94k, complete

Is it canon: Yes

Is it explicit: Yes

Is it endgame: Yes

Is it shippable: I’m fucking crying it’s so beautiful

Bottom line: The one and only Violet/Klaus epic, read it and bawl your eyes out (def read the warnings first tho)

It’s a canon-divergence AU where the Baudelaires stage their own deaths to escape Count Olaf. In canon the three Baudelaire orphans—inventor Violet, bookworm Klaus, and baby Sunny—are hounded from guardian to guardian by cartoonish villain Olaf, who will stop at nothing to get his hands on their fortune. Olaf murders or incapacitates every single adult who spares two seconds of sympathy for these kids, leaving a wide swathe of destruction in his wake. In this fic the Baudelaires have decided to wipe the slate clean and assume new identities.

I have mentioned in the past how salty I am about the Baudelaires’ characters being sidelined for Snicket the narrator, Olaf the villain, and/or sundry other bit-players (in the Netflix show the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender p much steals every scene they’re in). In canon we’re not really privy to the kids’ inner lives. This fic avoids that pitfall by sticking with tightly focused third-person Violet and Klaus POVs.

The thing this fic does really well is instill a pervasive sense of dread/paranoia which is remarkable because for the first 25% absolutely nothing ominous happens. The orphans get taken in by a slightly addled, very nice old lady and they just … live in her house. For free. While she cooks for them. And every morning Violet and Klaus hook up in her barn.

Ok back up so the ship they’re passengers on goes down in a storm, all hands lost, the Baudelaires are presumed drowned with the rest. Which is positively providential. The first event of any import to occur is that Klaus swipes some cash from a dead man’s wallet. Violet has ethical qualms but Klaus quashes them by pointing out that Sunny’s starving:

”I’d do anything for her,” he said. “Even become a thief or a murderer.”

Then his dark eyes found Violet’s. “I’d do it for you, too.”

So on the one hand I think this is rather extra. I mean, what possible use could a dead man have had for that money? Money that could put actual food in Sunny’s stomach. The Baudelaires are keenly aware that justice does not equal unquestioning obedience to authority and I think their exposure to a raft of tyrannical and unjust authority figures has hammered that home. They’re down with bending the rules because they know the rules are never even-handedly applied anyway (ie. the show trial at Hotel Denouement, the farcical final exam at Prufrock Academy). On the other hand I remember how uneasy they felt about stealing Hal’s keys in Hostile Hospital, and that was barely a misdemeanor! A friend of mine astutely pointed out how Violet is always trying to behave in any given situation the way their parents would have wished, whereas Klaus takes a pragmatic approach: do whatever keeps his sisters safe. And that is a very interesting contrast and one I want to see explored further.

They get on a train. Things that happen: Klaus notices when Violet is down in the dumps or angry or upset or in this case, wistfully jealous of other people who lead “normal” lives, bustling all around them. He’s not in love with her yet but noticing is the first step. Violet atm is super focused on being the elder sister, the adult in the room, the One In Charge. They get off the train and as soon as they blow into town Violet gets catcalled and propositioned. One of the themes of this fic is the horrendous baseline level of violence against women, some of it normalized and casual like the catcalling. The Big Bad Villain of the piece is literally a guy who’s murdered multiple girlfriends on account of them fridging his ass, since he appears to think that women owe him sex. And this man’s driving ambition is to add Violet to his list of conquests.

So often, men treated her as little more than an object … Klaus was different. He saw her, the woman she was inside.

HOW COULD SHE NOT FALL FOR HIM?? Is there another man she could learn to trust enough to fall in love with? However I’m getting ahead of the story. Klaus is still in the phase where he’s awakening to his attraction to Violet:

She was mother and sister, soft skin and tender strength, and he hid his face in her neck. Like a child, she rocked him gently, cradling his head.

I have to protect her, even if it’s from myself.

He couldn’t take this, his brave, beautiful sister, so near … the knowledge of what those men wanted to do to her. I”ll kill them … And what he wanted …

God but it kills me, Klaus thinking that his attraction to Violet is as noxious as those vile men and their rapacious stares. Klaus himself otoh is president of the Violet Baudelaire Fan Club. The contrast could not be more marked. Look at him building her up when she’s about ready to to give up on picking a lock because she’s lost her hair ribbon:

”I’m done, Klaus. I don’t have anything else to give”. ”Vi … “ he was pleading, willing her to believe in herself again, because he did. “You’re a brilliant inventor,” he told her. “It’s who you are. Nothing can take that away. You don’t need your ribbon.”

The unwarranted parallel that he draws between himself and a bunch of sexual predators is the source of so much angst and pining:

Is that what I am? A pervert?

She’ll blame herself for this

Well, well, well, if it isn’t ye olde I’m-Leaving-Her-For-Her-Own-Good-Lest-My-Perverted-Attraction-To-Her-Despoil-Her-Innocence. I am absolute trash for it every time, film at 11.

”I love you, Vi … I’m in love with you.” He said it like he was confessing to a crime, and she wanted to scream, to laugh and cry all at once.

THEIR LOVE IS A CRIME!!! Could these babies be more pure??

They’d always had an extraordinary connection. It was the reason for their seamless partnership, their ability to support one another … But now, the bond that had kept them alive was killing him. How could anything ever be right again?

”Vi, I’m sorry … I want to be your brother, but I can’t … I want to be more than that … I don’t know what to do.” ”Kiss me,” she said, “and be both.”

THATS IT THATS A WRAP I CAN NOW DIE HAPPY. That “kiss me and be both” is PERFECTION.

And she knew she’d never willingly give herself to anyone but him.

she’d loved him even then. Who could tell when they had crossed the line? It was already too late.

cross the line what line??? they were made for each other.

”You know, we missed the sunrise,” he said, nose to nose with his sister.

Violet and Klaus carve an extra hour out of their morning to go make out in the barn. I shit you not these kids spend a whole month without progressing past first base because Klaus doesn’t want to “pressure” Violet into anything she’s not ready for. Violet, for her part, is beginning to suspect there’s something wrong with her person; why hasn’t he even tried to take her top off? Thank you #Patriarchy for teaching us that desirability is the measure of a woman’s worth. God they are so thirsty. This bitch almost fell over the first time he touched her tits:

“Vi,” he spoke into her hair, voice breaking. “Tell me you don’t want this. Tell me to —“ But she only titled her head, to meet his mouth in a feverish kiss.

So Klaus and Sunny are having a snow fight and Violet tugs her glove off to tousle his hair and it’s THE SEXIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN BYE. True story after I read this fic I legitimately thought that “Vi” was a pet name Klaus called her by in canon, and when I finally finished the books much much later and realized that it wasn’t—well, it should have been.

There is a fairy tale about a princess who disguises herself in the skin of a donkey to escape the attentions of her lecherous father the king. Violet and Sunny discuss it. Violet points out that rape is wrong because rape is rape, because it is coercive, not because it’s incest. I love it when fic highlights the fairytale parallels to the Baudelaires’ situation, and I feel like Donkeyskin was such a spot-on choice because it’s all about surviving sexual assault and learning to make oneself vulnerable again afterwards? Klaus is the prince who sees through her disguise and falls head over heels in love with her CHANGE MY MIND. On the subject of happily ever after:

”Is that what you think I want? A fairytale? A walk down the aisle in a white dress?" He felt a lump forming in his throat. "Most girls think about those things, don't they?" "I don't," she told him. "I prefer not to. And as for children…well…I love them. That's why I don't want any of my own … how selfish would I be, to bring another little life into this? Another hostage they could use against us. Imagine how awful it would be if…" She shook her head. "No children… not ever. I couldn't protect them." And she turned to him with a soft look. "It's no sacrifice, Klaus. Not for me. I've already been through a… a wedding, you know." He felt her shudder, and she averted her eyes. "I won't be sorry if I never see another wedding dress again."

My dudes, when you have children each and every one of them is a hostage to fortune because of course they are. Also, Violet’s traumatized by the whole idea of being a bride, after going through the wringer of her fake wedding to Olaf. Olaf put Sunny in a cage to compel her compliance, and that’s what the Big Bad in this fic does too. He says things like “You’re a sick little bitch, aren’t you? Spreading your legs for your own brother” which turns their beautiful relationship into this ugly depraved thing to be ashamed of. I mean, this guy was literally a voyeur who would watch them from his hidey-hole while they were being intimate?? My god I would feel so unclean. And the worst part is, he overheard them calling each other by their real names not their aliases, so now he knows who they are and since the Baudelaires are still on the lamb this is bad. It gets pretty dark pretty fast.

“He won't want you anymore! No one's gonna want you when we're done!"

So he kidnaps and rapes Violet. Klaus and Sunny rescue her, dispatch the villain (Klaus’s earlier “I’d do anything” for his sisters, including becoming “a thief or a murderer,” acquires sudden resonance), and that’s when fucking Count Olaf shows up!!!! These kids just cannot catch a break. Turns out the Big Bad was actually working for Count Olaf all along. Olaf’s plan is still the same plan from The Bad Beginning where he plotted to steal the Baudelaire fortune by marrying Violet. Since Count Olaf has never in his life paid a henchman a salary, he was keeping the Big Bad sweet by promising to let him ravish Violet first. Let the full enormity of that sink in. Oh wait a minute Olaf isalso bent on knocking Violet up asap so the union can’t be dissolved on non-consummation grounds, or somesuch:

"You look at me as if I were a usurper, boy, about to steal something of yours. Tell me…" He gestured at Violet. "Is she yours?"

Why would you do this to me??????? This is so, so painful. Olaf uses an electric cattle prod on Klaus and makes Violet watch??? It’s ok though the Baudelaires prevail in the end, and emerge from the bloodstained ordeal as the family they are. My kink will forever be Violet and Klaus praising each other’s bravery and resourcefulness. They! Are! So! Proud! and! Supportive! Of! Each! Other! This line from earlier in the fic gets me every time:

I’ve failed them. This was his greatest fear, worse than death or any torment fate could devise. In his head, he imagined the struggle, saw his girls beaten and shot, felt each blow and bullet as if his own body were the target instead.

Klaus Baudelaire laying down his own body between the world and his sisters is really the only thing I care about:

And then her gaze fell to the marred canvas of his body.

I bet his back is a mess of burn marks ugh. Four weeks after Violet’s discharged from the hospital (practical Violet made sure to get the green light from the medical professionals) they finally have sex again, which is a relief—after the rape they were both hesitant to initiate sex because she thought she was damaged goods and he thought she wanted space? Silly kids. Oh and and here they are being mistaken by strangers for a pair of lovebirds:

One of the women sighed dreamily. "Did you ever see a more likely pair of turtledoves?" "Of course not," Mr. Poe sputtered, dabbing his brow with a handkerchief. "The very idea!" And he excused himself hurriedly, to make some phone calls. "Don't be silly," said the other. "They're siblings. Haven't you heard? … They're the Baudelaire orphans." "Well, I daresay," the first one went on, "anyone would've taken them for sweethearts."

I CANNOT WITH THESE TWO

The Baudelaires finally, finally come into their fortune free and clear. They put on their parents’ wedding rings and move to Canada. A cat (!!!) leaves baby Beatrice II in a basket outside their front door, and that completes their family. Nobody deserves good things more than these kids, and this fic ends exactly where it ought, describing “a rural life of moral simplicity.”

I read this fic years ago and it was w i l d rereading it again, thanks for coming along for the ride. If anyone wants to scream/cry about this fic in particular, or Violet and Klaus in general, feel free to send me an ask or message me ANYTIME

#fic rec #asoue #violet x klaus #Baudelairecest

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unfortunate-stranger-losers · 5 years

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Six Baudelaires AU, Part Three {AO3} {Masterlist} {Part One} {Part Two}

Chapter Three → in which Sunny cusses quite a bit

“The baby won’t stop biting!” Esme shouted.

“Well, put her in the glove compartment!” said Olaf, taking a swig from a bottle.

Sunny let out a feral hiss and flipped them all off.

She was not pleased to be here in the slightest, and she made absolutely certain that everybody around her was aware of this fact. They’d been driving for quite some time, and she was very proud of the fact that she had annoyed the shit out of all of the other passengers. The White-Faced Women were leaning against the window, while the Hook-Handed Man gave her a sympathetic glance and her former coworkers, sitting on the floor underneath the seats, covered their ears and groaned.

“Fuck you!” Sunny cheered again. “Weiss!” That last word meant something like, “Violet’s going to invent something that’ll kill you!” She had no doubt that her siblings had escaped their predicament, just like she had no doubt they would find one of their parents at Headquarters, and they would solve everything.

“She won’t fit.” Esme groaned, opening the glove compartment, only to see several costumes shoved in.

“Nin!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “Lilac will strangle you with her ribbon!”

“Can’t we just throw her out the window?” Esme asked.

“Esme, we need her for her fortune!” Olaf reminded her. “Besides, it’s dangerous to throw things out of car windows.”

He then immediately rolled down the car window and threw out his now empty bottle.

“Nat!” Sunny said, which meant, “Solitude will set venomous reptiles on you!”

“Are we there yet?” the Hook-Handed Man asked. “The kid’s threats are starting to make me nervous.”

“She’s a baby, hooky.” Olaf said. “She can’t hurt you.”

“Hyn!” “No, but Klaus can!”

“And we won’t reach headquarters for a while.” Olaf said. “But I know a decent camping spot in a few miles. We can stop at Mount Fraught before we set fire to the Valley of Four Drafts.”

“Mount Fraught will be cold this time of year.” Kevin said.

“It’s almost False Spring, it’ll be fine.” Olaf shrugged.

“Once we burn down Headquarters,” Esme said, “We’ll be looking for the Sugar Bowl, won’t we?”

“Yes, dear,” Olaf said, tiredly, “We’ll find your precious sugar bowl.”

“You know it’s not just precious to me, Olaf! It’s incredibly important! It-”

“Not in front of the prisoner!”

Sunny leaned over and bit Esme’s finger.

“Ow! You stupid brat!” Esme groaned.

“Bitch!” Sunny shouted back.

“Ugh, children do nothing but complain.” said one of the White-Faced Women.

“Yes.” said her sister. “Remember the Quagmires? They complained when we had them in the trunk, then in the cage, then the fountain.”

“We eventually got them to shut up.” Esme said. “And we got her horrible brother to stop being such a nuisance, no thanks to the lot of you. Olaf and I had to do that messy business ourselves, and while it was quite enjoyable, you know how much we hate actually working.”

Sunny opened her mouth, about to add a threat that Nick would slaughter them all, only to remember, with a jolt, that Nick wasn’t quite in the mood to fight. That still startled her quite a bit; she’d never known Nick to not want to fight someone. This new… this behavior he had at the moment was foreign to her, and incredibly scary.

Could that happen to me?

No. No, my siblings will find me first.

She glanced into the backseat, to see that the Hook-Handed Man actually did look a bit uncomfortable. She wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing, but she was snapped out of her thoughts when Colette said, “Are we going to pitch tents for camping? I’m pretty good at that!”

“Oh, no, we’ll just make the baby do that for us.” Olaf said. “Infant servants are pretty useful.”

“Which tent will she sleep in?” Hugo asked.

“Not ours!” a White-Faced Woman said. “I hear babies steal your breath while you sleep!”

“There’s a casserole dish she can sleep in.” Olaf said.

“Will that be safe?” Esme asked. “You just said we need her alive.”

“There’s holes she can breathe through, and the lid can protect her from snow gnats.”

“What are snow gnats?” Kevin asked.

“Annoying insects that travel in packs.” Olaf shrugged.

“Swarms.” Sunny corrected.

“See, there she goes in her stupid foreign language.” Esme said.

“Actually, she said-” the Hook-Handed Man began.

“Nobody cares!” Olaf said.

“I do.” Hugo said kindly. “I think it’s very interesting.”

“It’s not.” Olaf said. “And if you freaks want to remain employed here, you’ll learn to accept that I am always right.”

“Wrong.” Sunny said, and then she bit Esme again.

The Baudelaires walked by the river for several hours in silence. They carried the coats at first, before eventually passing them around to wear. Violet had three, to cover her hospital gown, and Solitude was wrapped in the poncho like a burrito, carried by Nick while she muttered to Babbitt.

“Will Babbitt be alright in this cold?” Klaus asked.

“Their species can completely freeze over in cold temperatures.” Solitude assured him. “So they may stop moving, almost look dead, but they’ll be alright, and they’ll unfreeze when we get somewhere warm. We’ll have to catch them up on whatever happens.”

“Are they frozen now?” Lilac asked, hugging her coat tightly around her.

Solitude shook her head. “Under the poncho, they’re fine. But they could freeze any time.”

Nick hugged her a little, and Violet said, “Do you think we’ll find somewhere warm to sleep? It’s getting a little dark.”

“There were lots of caves on the maps, where bears hibernate.” Klaus said. “Hopefully there aren’t any bears right now. Nick, you remember where they are?”

Nick nodded, still hugging Soli very close.

Lilac looked up, and then said, “Um, guys? What’s that?”

They looked up, to see what looked like an ominous cloud of tiny, white buzzing objects heading towards them.

Klaus considered. “I remember reading about mountainous insect life, but I can’t quite remember.”

“Try to remember, please.” Violet said.

“Those are snow gnats.” Nick said. “They live in cold mountain areas and have been known to group themselves into well-defined shapes.”

“They seem to be heading this way.” Violet said. “Are they harmless?”

Klaus considered. “I’m trying to remember… oh! Yeah, they’re ill-tempered and enjoy stinging people for no reason whatso- ow!”

The snow gnats had reached the Baudelaires, and they all let out cries as they were swiftly stung. The children started to run, with everyone but Nick, who was still holding onto Soli, waving their arms to try and shoo them away.

“Are the stings poisonous?” Lilac asked.

“Mildly!” Klaus said. “We should be fine so long as we don’t get stung too much- OW!”

“How do we- SHIT!- get rid of them?” Lilac asked, as they quickened their pace considerably.

“They don’t like fire!” Nick said, clutching Solitude to his chest so that she could get as few stings as possible. “Even the smell of smoke drives them away!”

“Smoke?” Violet shouted. “How are we supposed to get smoke out here?”

Lilac grabbed the last coat, and said, “At least cover your faces! Don’t- ow!- let them sting- ow! Shit!”

The Baudelaires followed her instructions, covering their faces with their coats, and as Solitude slowly moved her head to peer around, she shouted, “There!”

Distantly, they could see a very thin cloud of smoke. Not enough to be worrying, but enough that the Baudelaires sighed with relief. “Thank fuck. Everyone move!” Violet said.

They ran towards the smoke, and as they got closer, the snow gnats began to dissipate, until the Baudelaires were standing outside the entrance to a small cave, and the insects had all fled.

“Let’s go in.” Lilac said. “Hopefully they won’t follow us.”

“Hopefully we don’t awaken a hibernating animal.” Klaus said.

They stepped inside, and as their eyes adjusted to the dark, they could see the distant shapes of several small figures around a campfire, flickering softly in the damp area. One of the figures approached, and as she did, the Baudelaires very much wished they had taken their chances with the snow gnats.

“Oh, fuck.” Nick said.

“Hello, cakesniffers!” said Carmelita Spats. “What are you doing here?”

Sunny sat on the ice, poking at it with a stick.

Thankfully, she’d figured out quite quickly how to pitch a tent; it was very similar to the blanket forts Lilac used to make for them. The adults had left her alone for quite some time, preferring to discuss how exactly they would burn down VFD Headquarters, so she wandered over to the frozen waterfall. She’d never seen one before, and she could tell that the river was frozen enough to stand on, because she’d thrown rocks to see if she could break the ice.

She wondered if she could break through the frozen water with her stick, and maybe wash up a little. She was still covered in dirt from the Carnival, and she was starting to feel like she’d rather look like herself than a wolf baby, as her disguise wasn’t useful anymore.

“Hey, baby!”

Sunny glanced over her shoulder to see the Hook-Handed Man approaching. He knelt in front of her, holding out a small, toddler-sized coat and outfit in his hooks.

“I made you this.” he said. “Count Olaf would be very displeased if you were to freeze to death before he could get your fortune.”

Sunny wasn’t entirely sure how to respond; true, she was very cold, but it wasn’t as if this man was her ally.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

In response, Sunny pounded the ice again.

The Hook-Handed Man watched her a moment, and then he handed her the outfit and slammed the ice with his hook. It broke open, and Sunny could see the cold water underneath.

He smiled over at her, and hesitantly, she smiled back.

“You’ve, uh, got something on your face.” he said, laughing slightly. “Chabo.”

Sunny giggled, and hugged the outfit to herself. It felt very warm and comfortable. “Tank you.” she said.

“Oh, don’t say that.” the Hook-Handed Man said, straightening up. “I’m your captor, and you’re my prisoner.”

Sunny giggled, and then repeated, “Tank you!”

“Don’t say that so loud!” the henchman glanced towards the tents. “I better go before the boss realizes I’m gone. Don’t drown out here, alright?”

“Inmergo.” Sunny said. “Of course not, I can’t die before my siblings find me.”

He gave her a skeptical look, and then left. Sunny sighed and dipped her hands into the water, shivering in the cold. She brought the water to her face, wiping off some of the dirt. She glanced at her reflection in the ice.

There. She looked a bit more like herself.

Now her parents would be able to recognize her.

That night, as Sunny slept in the casserole dish, shivering in the cold and pulling the coat the Hook-Handed Man had made for her tighter around her, she wondered how warm her siblings were.

I’m sure Violet and Lilac made something to save them. And Nick and Klaus know these mountains, and Solitude can use Babbitt to track me- can frogs track? Babbitt certainly seems very good at finding things.

Sunny wished she could see the stars; though she’d never been camping before, her Mother and Nick had told her once that the best part of sleeping outside was the unobstructed view of the stars. But then she’d be colder, and she didn’t want to freeze before her siblings could get to her.

She wondered what was going to happen. They’d be here soon, surely, but… she still worried. It’d taken them a while to find Nick- no, no, that was just because they had to stay with Mr Poe. Her siblings couldn’t be far behind. They’d find her. They always would.

She thought of Nick again, and how scared he’d been recently. She hoped that whatever had happened to him went away, and he could be brave again, brave enough to help his siblings find her, and find VFD. And she hoped that her siblings weren’t too worried about her. She could take care of herself fine.

What would her siblings say if they were with her now? Solitude would let her play with Babbitt, to calm her down. Klaus and Nick would tell her stories, or read to her a little. Violet would try to invent something to get them out, or to make them warmer. And Lilac… Lilac would hold her, and tell her everything would be alright. And then she’d sing to her.

Slowly, Sunny sat up and pushed the lid of the casserole dish aside. And even though the cold wind hit her, it was worth it.

“You were right.” Sunny whispered, looking up at the bright, shining stars.

And, quietly, she began to hum.

#asoue #asoue netflix #asoue movie #a series of unfortunate events #six baudelaires au #six baudelaires official fic #the slippery slope #mine #my fanfic

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unfortunate-stranger-losers · 5 years

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Six Baudelaires AU, Part Two {AO3} {Masterlist} {Part One}

Chapter Ten → in which the In Auction is planned

“Lilac, when we get transferred to our next guardian,” Klaus said, “If they make us wear pinstripe suits, I’m going to strangle somebody.”

“I dunno.” Lilac said. “I kind of like them.”

“Of course you do, you goth bitch.” Nick said, tossing a pen for Solitude to catch.

Living with the Squalors was certainly interesting. The Baudelaires lived close to their old home, so when Esme went to work every morning, Jerome could take them out to see their old favorite spots. Violet and Lilac dragged everyone through the Verne Invention Museum, Klaus and Nick made them all visit the Akhmatova Bookstore to look for new encyclopedias or atlases that Jerome would graciously offer to buy for them, and Solitude was excited to go to a place she’d barely noticed before their unfortunate events began- a zoo, where her and Nick would plant themselves in the reptile sections and refuse to see anything else. Sunny didn’t really care to see much, but she did often request that they stop by the Fickle Fountain, where she’d dip her hands or feet in the water and giggle. Jerome would often take them out to lunch, too, or take them to some of his favorite places, and the Baudelaires loved to hear him talk about his memories of the mountains and how their Mother tried to teach him to whistle with crackers in his mouth.

But during the afternoons, the children would return to 667 Dark Avenue, and climb up the long, long, long staircase. When they got back to the penthouse, they’d have to navigate their way through the seventy-one rooms to find where they wanted to go. Only Nick had managed to memorize a path, but sometimes even he was tired or bored and took them down a wrong turn, or they were temporarily splitting up and the group without him got hopelessly lost. They rarely saw Jerome or Esme in the afternoons- though they didn’t mind missing Esme, who only talked about what was in and out and seemed to not notice the orphans at all.

Also, the Baudelaires had been given pinstripe suits in order to be as in as their guardians, but they didn’t fit well. They often had to push or pin up sleeves, and Lilac had to help Solitude and Sunny cut theirs. They added an extra pocket inside Solitude’s, though, to hide Babbitt, who didn’t quite like the loud city or confusing apartment, and spent almost all of their time sleeping in their owner’s pocket, whenever they weren’t in the bedroom, where Solitude would play with them.

While there were many bedrooms, the Baudelaires didn’t like the idea of being separate in such a confusing place, so they found a room with two bunk beds. Violet and Nick called dibs on the top bunks, and Solitude and Sunny slept on piled pillows on the floor, with Babbitt finding a nice bed for themself on a fabric cupholder on top of a desk. Unfortunately for the frog, it was a bit hard to find bugs inside the penthouse, so Solitude compensated by spoiling them with any bugs they happened across outside the penthouse, so long as Jerome wasn’t looking- apparently, herpetology was out, so the Baudelaires weren’t sure how he’d react to Solitude’s pet.

Currently, the Baudelaires were spread out in the living room. Nick and Klaus were trying to read through a book on Emily Dickinson that they’d bought the other day, while Violet and Lilac were going through the newspaper, trying to find something interesting, or some news on the search for Count Olaf. Sunny and Soli, meanwhile, were coloring over the discarded newspaper pages as Babbitt looked for a fly they thought they’d spotted.

“It’s a bit of a mixed bag living here.” Violet said. “I don’t like being in this apartment or having to conform to social norms, but I like being able to go into town.”

“Do you think arranged marriages are ever going to be in?” Nick asked, looking up concernedly. “Cause if Esme tries to marry me off to literally anyone, I’m gonna jump from the window.”

“You’re twelve, Nick, you can’t get married.” Lilac said quietly, trying not to think about how she’d almost been married just a few months ago.

“She seems like the kind of person who’d try to set me up with some rich kid.” Nick said. “And I’m never getting married, not even when I’m older. I’m gonna live alone in the woods, and the only one who can come visit me is Soli.”

“Ihering!” Soli said, which meant something like, “I’ll live with you and we can raise reptiles in the woods!”

“I don’t know what Ihering is,” said Esme, as she walked into the room, Jerome following behind her, “But it doesn’t sound very in.”

Violet quickly stood up, blocking Esme’s view of the corner, where Babbitt had just caught their fly. They quickly hopped back to Solitude, hiding in her pocket.

“Helllo, Baudelaires! How are you doing?” Jerome asked.

“We’re just reading up on Emily Dickinson.” Klaus said.

“Ah, yes. She’s in at the moment, perhaps we could invite her over.” Esme said.

“Emily Dickinson died in 1886.” Nick said.

“Well, that’s no matter.” Esme said. “Children, I came to tell you that I will be very busy. Tomorrow, we will be hosting the In Auction!”

“What’s the In Auction?” Lilac asked, while Nick gave Klaus a disgusted look.

“It is an auction,” Jerome said, “Where everyone gets together and bids on the innest items.”

“I always organize it,” Esme said, “And it’s a smashing event!”

“Smashi?” Sunny asked.

“No, she doesn’t mean we get to smash things.” Violet said quietly.

“It is a fabulous event!” Esme said. “And all the money goes to a good cause!”

“Which good cause?” Lilac asked.

“Me!” Esme clapped her hands together. “Every last bit of money goes to me! Isn’t that smashing?”

“Actually, dear,” Jerome said, “Don’t you think that this year we could give money to another cause? Like those starving people we read about in the paper.”

“Starving people can’t eat money.” Esme said. “Besides, if we give money to poor people, then they won’t be poor anymore. We’re going to make heaps of money this year. I had lunch with twelve millionaires this morning, and eleven of them are going to attend! The twelfth had a birthday party to attend.”

“This auction sounds like… an interesting event.” Lilac said carefully.

“Oh, Jerome, Gunther’s stopping by tonight, and I need you to take the kids out to dinner.” Esme said. “Can’t have six orphans running around distracting us from our work.”

“Who’s Gunther?” Klaus asked.

“The auctioneer!” Esme replied. “He’s the innest auctioneer in town, and he’s helping me organize! We’re discussing the catalog tonight, and we don’t want to be disturbed.”

“But, darling, I was going to teach the children to play chess tonight.” Jerome said.

“No, no, no.” Esme said. “I already made you a reservation at Cafe Salmonella for seven o’clock. It’s already six o’clock, so you should get moving. Hurry it up, you’ll have to get down the stairs.”

“I didn’t know we were going out tonight.” Klaus said. He and Lilac both shared a dislike of surprise outings, even more than their other siblings.

“Yes, isn’t it delightful?” Esme said. “You all have fun. Tell me all about how in your dinner was!”

“Will do.” Lilac said glumly, picking up Sunny.

Then she turned towards the door and let out a scream. Instantly, Nick leapt to his feet, picking up Solitude and retreating several steps. Klaus let out a gasp and ran to stand by Violet, who pushed him behind her and stared ahead.

Up ahead, Count Olaf had just entered the room.

The kids remained silent, staring in horror at the man. He was in disguise, once again- he wore high, shiny black boots that almost reached his knees, perfect for hiding a tattoo, and over one of his eyes was a monocle. He wore a long pinstripe suit, much like everybody who was in.

“Hello, please!” said Count Olaf. “Esme, are these the children, please, you were telling me about?”

“I- you-” Lilac began.

“Yes, these are the orphans!” Esme said. “Children, Jerome, this is Gunther, our auctioneer.”

“Ah, it is nice to meet you!” Jerome said.

“Please excuse the talking of me.” said Olaf, strutting in and smiling wickedly at the children. “Please, I am not fluent in the English language, please.”

“How…?” Violet asked.

“Where…?” Nick began.

“Bik…” Sunny trailed off.

Lilac recovered first, as Olaf approached her, holding out his hand. “I am happy to meet you, please.”

Lilac recoiled, and snarled, “We’ve met before. Many times before. This man is Count Olaf!”

“I am not understanding, please.” Gunther said. “Please, I am not fluent in the English language, please.”

“Yes, you are!” Kaus said.

“He’s in disguise!” Violet shouted. “And if you just take off his boots-”

“Gunther is the innest auctioneer in town!” Esme said. “I’m not going to make him get undressed just to make you feel better! Apologize to him and go off to dinner.”

“He’s Count Olaf!” Nick said. “Where are the Quagmires? What did you do to them?”

“Esme,” Jerome said, “The children do seem alarmed, maybe we should-”

“Maybe we should listen to me!” Esme said. “I am Esme Gigi Geniveve Squalor-”

She continued ranting about herself, as Jerome listened intently. As he did, Gunther leaned forwards and whispered, “I can’t be Count Olaf, please, because there’s a manhunt for him. I wouldn’t be allowed in, please. And also, if Count Olaf were to be captured, please, what would happen to the poor, poor Quagmires, all alone? Olaf’s the only one who knows where they are, and with him locked up, surely they would starve and die.”

“Whatever you’ve done to them, you’ll regret it.” Lilac hissed.

“What was that, child?” Esme turned around, finally finishing her speech.

“I…” Lilac bit her lip, and then stepped back. “I was just apologizing to Gunther. I see now that he isn’t who I thought he was.”

“Good!” Esme said, clapping. “Now, off to dinner! You don’t want to be late!”

“I’m glad everyone has stopped arguing.” Jerome said. “Children, I know what’ll make you feel better! Why don’t we slide down the bannister!”

The children looked at each other, and Solitude gave Olaf a death glare and muttered, “Fuck you,” thankfully quiet enough that the adults couldn’t hear. Lilac did, though, and she shot Solitude and Nick a glare of her own.

“Alright.” Klaus said. “Thank you, Jerome.”

“I’ll show Gunther the rest of the penthouse, and then we’ll get to work!” Esme cheered. “Ta-ta, children!”

“Ta-ta.” Sunny repeated, unenthusiastically.

Cafe Salmonella was certainly… interesting.

It was located in the Fish District of town, a place that looked, sounded and smelled like fish, due to the fact it was located near the docks of the city and had the scent of the fish that the fishermen hauled in. Cafe Salmonella itself had a theme, and that theme was salmon. The restaurant was colored like a salmon, salmon were painted onto the walls and ceilings, the waiters were dressed in salmon costumes, and every item of food served in the restaurant had something to do with salmon.

“How can they possibly make this much salmon-themed food?” Nick asked, glumly picking at his salmon ice cream. Solitude held out her hands, and he passed it to her; when Jerome looked the other way, she placed it on her lap as a treat for Babbitt.

“It’s apparently very in.” Jerome said.

“Yes. Lots of things are in.” Violet muttered.

“Jerome,” Lilac said quietly, “Do you think there’s something strange about Gunther?”

“Baudelaires,” Jerome said, “I’m surprised at you. Do you know what the word ‘xenophobe’ means?”

“Well, -phobe means ‘afraid of,’” Klaus said, “So I assume it means somebody who is afraid of something. Does ‘xeno’ mean Olaf?”

“No.” Jerome said. “It means stranger or foreigner. A xenophobe is someone who is afraid of people simply because they come from a different country, which is a silly reason to fear someone. I would have thought you three would be far too sensible to be xenophobes.”

“Of course we’re not!” Lilac said.

“Now, I don’t mean to scold you,” Jerome said, “I know you’ve had a very difficult time since your parents’ death, and Esme and I want to do all we can to provide a good, safe home for you. And our neighborhood is very fancy and safe, and if anyone saw Count Olaf, they would alert the authorities immediately.”

“But he was in disguise!” Violet shouted.

“Now, please don’t argue with me.” Jerome said. “I hate to argue.”

“Sometimes it’s useful and necessary to argue.” Lilac said.

“As siblings, we know that very well.” Nick said.

“I can’t think of a single argument that would be useful or necessary,” Jerome said. “For instance, Esme made reservations for us here, and I can’t stand the taste of salmon.”

“Huxley,” said Sunny, meaning, “Maybe if you had argued with her, you could have had a dinner you enjoyed.”

Jerome waved his hand, and their waiter approached. “I’d like to pay the bill. We don’t want the children to be up past their bedtimes.”

The waiter nodded. “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.”

Jerome blinked. “Why, of course it’s not.”

“Did you say-?” Lilac began.

The waiter didn’t pay attention to her, instead handing the bill to Jerome and moving away.

As they reached 667 Dark Avenue, the doorman let them in, saying, “Be careful in the lobby. Ocean decorating is in now, so it’s being repainted.”

“Oh, I wish we’d’ve known that.” Jerome said. “We could’ve brought you something from the fish district.”

“Snake?” Solitude asked, peering into the lobby. But as they walked in, they saw no reptile decorations- not even alligators or crocodiles. Solitude huffed and leaned against Nick.

“Has Gunther left?” Lilac asked the doorman.

He shook his head. “I haven’t seen anyone by the name of Gunther.”

“Have you seen anyone by the name of Count Olaf?” Nick asked. The doorman once again shook his head.

The children then headed up the long stairs, passing around Sunny and Solitude as they climbed with Jerome. When they reached the top of the penthouse, they saw Esme waiting for them, leaning against the door.

“Ah! You’re all back! Splendid! I thought I heard you coming!” said Esme. “Children, go to bed, and I’ll tell Jerome all about the In Auction we planned!”

“Is Gunther still here?” Violet asked nervously.

“Oh, no. He left a while ago.” Esme said.

“But the doorman-” Nick began.

“Don’t argue with me.” Esme said. “Off to bed.”

The Baudelaires hesitantly glanced towards each other, and then nodded.

They agreed to go to bed, but they were not planning on sleeping much.

#asoue #asoue netflix #asoue movie #a series of unfortunate events #six baudelaires au #six baudelaires official fic #the ersatz elevator #mine #my fanfic

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