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chrisbangs · 2 years

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찬이의 Berry’s “방” 🐺 Ep. 172 - Home

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givemewallywestorgivemedeath · 5 months

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Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

#started anti depressants recently. kinda had an epiphany. i can't hate who i was. if i met me now i wouldn't blame that tiny child #for their rancid beliefs or for being dragged to protests. because thats a CHILD. i HAVE met kids in that position and i feel nothing but #pity and anger on their behalf. so why am i holding that version of myself to a higher standard?#i could not have known what i know now at 6 or 8 or 10. the same way that i could not have written a college level essay at that age #but i did what i could. in my own 8 y/o way. i believed in love and humanity and happiness. i was just misguided in the 'hows' of it all #and i am so so so so so proud. of every single microscopic step that i took. every question i asked. every thought that i hid and protected #and pondered secretly at night until new ideas and doubts bloomed like a dandelion through the pavement #and I'm so proud that i chased that doubt. that i asked why why why why until their ears bled and their voices were raw #until their answers stopped adding up. until i sought knowledge elsewhere with a mind dehydrated and malnourished and begging for knowledge #in any form i could get. i just. if i could hug that kid? if i could right now reach out and give that terrified and lonely child a hug?#i would. a million times over.#anyway sorry for the intense personal rant I'm just going through it rn and I'm like.... actually feeling alright #its wild. did you guys know about this??? anti depressants make you NOT depressed??? shits insane fam #irl #personal

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thelastharbinger · 9 months

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Tidbits of ATSV That I Enjoyed (Or Alternatively: Just Miles Being The Most Endearing Spidey Ever)

Miles patting The Spot's head after successfully webbing him (I don't see this as condescending, but rather him still engaging with the humanity of a villain like Spot) and ~very assertively~ telling/asking him not to escape.

"I'm like Robin Hood-if he gave to himself."

Miles' spidey senses going off when he arrives late to his dad's party because there's nothing more frightening than Brown parents when they're mad at you. Beware the chancla or correa!

O.k. So we all know there are different versions of the movie out there. You may already know that one of the slight differences is when Miles goes to save Inspector Singh. There's a version where you can hear Gwen's voice in the distant background yelling no! when she thinks Miles gets crushed under the rubble, and there's another where she's silent as she webs to him. Now, I have found ANOTHER version (online) where her shouting is even more at the forefront. She's practically screaming and sounds more desperate, (prolly because it's close to the same way her Peter Parker died so she's reliving trauma) and the fear in her voice is palpable. That one haunts me.

Jefferson trying to equate studying for his police exams to childbirth, which Rio quickly nips in the bud.

Ganke having a soccer poster of Son Heung Min, a famous Korean footballer who currently plays for the Premier League Tottenham Hotspur and is captain of the South Korean national team.

Miles having a Sashimi (his universe's version of Supreme, but I just like the idea that Miles loves eating sashimi. Like I know that kid has good taste in food) poster in his bedroom.

The fact that Miles kept in touch with Aunt May for long enough after the events of ITSV that he helps her move.

The Spot saying he was one of the more handsome scientists at Alchemax according to his colleagues.

Miles and Gwen having the same collectible toys, the only difference being that he keeps his in the box and she doesn't.

"Hey, don't try to wow me with big words, man," *in deep manly voice* "I do crosswords every day"- Miles after Spot points out Alchemax as "the crucible of our connection!"

Miles going, "This job is so dumb sometimes" after he tries to web Spot at the deli, but it goes through a hole and lands on his face.

"Nahhh, he seems more Dominican to me." Kinda want Miles to meet a native Dominican Spidey because that dynamic would highkey fuck hard *pun not intended*. They would repair relations between our two islands-PR&DR.

"Almost there Mami *smiley face* *cowboy* prayer hands*"

The college admissions coach at Visions Academy straight up saying, "That's your story! Now, just stick to the script..." Ma'am what???

"Calmate Mami, eso no es my fault."

"I've hit a lot of different villains with a lot of different food...I'm just trying to lighten the mood."

Miles in his angsty teen era and smart-mouthing everyone around him. Love that for him.

"He almost killed his mom as a baby, I mean, look at those shoulders." No but for real tho. Those shoulders are as wide as a truck. Kim Seokjin who??? (if you understood that reference, ily).

Miles writing a love letter to his dad in 2 cakes.

Gwen at the water tower chowing and saying how feelings make her hungry after her and Miles talked about how they can't be together cause it would end in tragedy. Like Gwen, come again?!

Also, Miles' and Gwen's talk at the Williamsburg Bank Building being lowkey the catalyst for the 2nd/3rd acts of the film. Without them both kind of silently admitting their feelings for each other, Miles probably wouldn't have chased after her the way he did. Pretty sure you know the rest.

"I bet she doesn't even speak Spanish," and Jeff going "Que barbaridad" in his very broken Spanish. Queue Rio's bombastic side eye.

Both Gwen and Miles referring to Spot as a Villain Of The Week, even though neither of them have spoken about Spot to each other.

"I was bitten by a-wouldnt you like to know? Know what I mean?" SIR. Chill. This movie is for children.

The Spot inverting himself, going from a white mass with black spots to a gaping black hole with smaller white spirals. It's giving Junji Ito.

The irony of Pavitr exclaiming, "Well that was another easy adventure for Spider-Man!" right before an incoming canon event. HIS. He was about to experience his first big loss, and his happy-go-lucky nature would've been challenged.

Miguel saying conyo! when all the Spideys start pointing at each other.

"!Cállate!" "Nosy!" Sidebar: we don't talk about Gwen's banter with bad guys enough. She's so funny!

A lot of the Peters saying hi to Gwen as she passes HQ because she is canonically the one lost love--the love interest they all would've ended up with had she not died, so they all have an affection for her.

Web-Slinger going "Giddy up!" Cause he's swinging up.

Miles offering his fresh new takes on how to deal with the Spot upon meeting Miguel, saying "He just wants to be taken seriously. Like we all do." MILES YOU BEAUTIFUL, COMPASSIONATE GOLDEN SUNFLOWER BOY I LOVE YOUUUUU.

Hobie referring to Peter B. as Humbling Reality Spider-Man, which considering how steeped in tragedy the Spidey lore is, is really saying something.

Miguel's nonono no puedo más no puedo más. His misery is very funny and delightful to me. Little bitch ass.

"You know you're the only Spider-Man who isn't funny." Yes! More Miguel slander in the next one, please! Little bitch ass.

"Snitch!"

Miles shouting out Peter's name for help whilst Miguel pins and lays into him the fact that he's an anomaly. This after he momentarily glitches back to his ITSV store-bought suit. Mimicking the way-in also the first movie-Miles shouting out Peter's name for his own rescue as Doc Ock attacks him at the research facility. Because even though he feels hurt by Peter at this point, that's still his dad mentor and he still instinctively looks to him for protection. Rip my heart out why don't you!

Gwen sneaking back into her and her dad's place just to get that printed polaroid of her and Miles, a pic she already has on her phone.

Earth-42 Miles wearing Nike while our Miles wears Jordans.

#hi. ive seen this movie 8x in theaters and twice on pirating sites. i am unwell #also sorry not sorry for the miguel slander. i am a miles loyalist thru and thru thst bitch is on thin ice #but also literally can't get over gwen “it really is so nice to get to talk to you. me & him its different. in every other universe...stacy #cause directly underneath that she's actually saying. “i missed you. and what i have with you i literally do not have with anyone else and.#you dont know this but ive met hundreds and thousands of spiderpeople. nd even in my friendship with hobie its not like what i have with yo #and im actually really smitten with you. the one person i shouldn't be smitten with bc there is no happy ending for us. and idk...#if i should hold off. and im letting you know all this so that you can decide for me. whether to take that lesp of faith or not with you. &#hope that say yes and make the first move so that i cant but help to just sink into you.“#AND IT MAKES SENSE! SHE MET HIM JUST AS HE WAS LIVING THROUGH AN EXPERIENCE SHE DID. OF BECOMING SPIDEY. AND RIGHT AFTER #SUFFERING THE GREATEST TRAGEDY OF HER LIFE WHICH SHE WAS ABOUT TO BEAR WITNESS THRU WITH HIM. SHE WAS THERE FOR HIS UNCLE DYING AND WATCHED #HIM BECOME SPIDERMAN. WE FORGET THAT THEY ACTUALLY WENT THRU SOME HEAVY THINGS TOGETHER. THEYRE TRAUMABONDED. I KNOW THATS NOT WHAT THAT WO #ACTUALLY MEANS. BUT IT MAKES SENSE THAT SHE CAN ONLY TALK TO MILES BC THEY PERFECTLY UNDERSTAND EO.#anyways idk why im shouting. im high rn. but crazy how all of that meaning was subtly thrown in there. like we got a confession scene folks #from gwen of all people! i love that for me.#also back to miguel: so i know he's hot. but if a hot person were to ever be rude to a waiter we agree theyre no longer hot right? right.#atsv #miles morales #itsv #miguel o'hara #the spot #ghostflower #gwiles #gwen stacy #ghost spider #gwen x miles #rio morales #across the spider verse #into the spider verse

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mins-fins · 1 month

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BIG CHEERS AND APPLAUSE!!

#thank you all for loving park jisung just as much as i do 🫶#okay okay but seriously i am so HAPPY rn about how positively ooy is being received cause i was scared of getting little to no feedback #BUT LOOK AT THIS #100 NOTES IN THREE DAYS????#THATS A NEW ISA RECORD #sorry i am just very super happy im literally jumping up and squealing right now

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asterbats · 11 months

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drew my new kitten as a “warmup” but have to stop here because shes being a rascal

#her name at the shelter was pog btw. like the game but now her full name is cricket pogchamp #cat #cricket #pets #artists on tumblr #drew some blue in her eyes. bad at picking colors from irl that much but shes got a very small blue ring in there still #though shes close to having her regular eyes. i think they will be yellow?#i love her but whew cant wait til shes big......... will probably update what she looks like #tried to make her look deliberately worried with her whiskers btw. she seems sad but she was abnormally snuggly on day 1 #she cried in the carrier and hid under my drawer for like 5 minutes then instantly got to exploring and 1 hour in she showed her belly #which. im a first time cat owner but im told thats absolutely insane for a kitten on day 1 #shes already sleeping on me and stuff and snuggling next to me.... playing w her is the hard part bc lack of energy #idk if itll ever be enough for her but i am trying! i want her to be happy. also i think rn she mostly likes me when im sitting #otherwise she darts away when i walk around. i think bc im like this weird giant to her #oh also shes apparently just tiny? bc her mom was small too so she'll probably grow up to be a small cat #everyones going on abt how my aunts cats were bigger at her age sdklfjsdlfds (8 weeks almost 9!)

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raspberryjellybrains · 11 months

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its been a billion years since I posted anything meaningful about mcga but I'm thinking about Alex helping Magnus with clothes.

I think Blitzen would love to help style Magnus, but I think he might accidentally end up being a bit overbearing, albeit with good intentions. He wants to help, but would probably end up tripping over his own fashion opinions more often than not, and Magnus would want to make his friend happy too much to actually voice his own opinions consistently. But Alex would understand that identity through fashion is something slow to be discovered on your own. It's not instant, it's a slow process of trying things and finding out what makes you feel good physically and emotionally. You can't pressure a person finding their own style, especially someone who's never had much room to do so and will likely feel guilty about making that room. She's gone through the process, and she'd probably be more than happy to help someone with it too.

I'm thinking about them going around to different stores and finding that Magnus likes second hand and low-end boutique stuff more than anything. Alex letting him onto her etsy account and buying his first piece of jewelry, taking him around to all of her favorite stores where she's greeted as a friend. Yeah, they could do all this in Valhalla, but where's the fun in that?

I think Magnus would like earth tones and dark, muted colors. He would avoid synthetic materials for their unnaturally soft textures and blue would make rare appearances. Alex would parade him around in his first pair of White Guy Khaki Shorts in five years, glowing with a silly sort of pride and Magnus feeling something kindle back to life in his chest at a growing collection or flannels, just like his mom. I'm imagining Magnus learning what it's like to live with his body, rather than despite it, and feel comfortable with himself in his surroundings for the first time since he was a little kid, taking a hike in the woods. And I'm thinking of Alex holding his hand the whole time.

#feeling sooooo sos normal rn #and i dont mean to make this post and trample the people who feel clothing has no bearing on their comfort or self perception #i just want to talk about how much it can mean to someone trying to find who they really are and come to terms with that person #and when i say style i dont mean aesthetic or fashion. i simply mean personal preferences for comfort and look (if that matters)#your personal style can literally be cheap graphic tees and basketball shorts and if that makes you happy then have fun!! live your truth!!#this is just me noting that magnus seems to almost intentionally avoid clothes except to mention discomfort and i think he should get a #happier relationship with his outer appearance than he has especially considering the royal fuckery thats happened with his bodily autonomy #and confidence within the context of the series #i might be crazy and projecting but i just want to give him something kind. as a treat.#and alex does seem to enjoy sharing her passions with those she cares about!! its quality time without any kind of social expectations #regarding the nature of their attachment. she can just spend time with someone she likes doing something she likes no strings attached.#im sure its qlso fun to gently heckle things throughout the process with someone whos gonna just nod along 💀#im thinking way too hard about this #but im gonna hit post and know. i am still thinking.#magnus chase #alex fierro #mcga #mcga headcannon #raspberry rambles

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wowitsverycool · 1 year

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sometimes i really vibe with disco elysiums brief moments of quiet apathetic misery that are distinctly intimate in the way they cradle you with melancholy’s ice cold hands. you almost want to savor the despair, pull it over you and be consumed by that awful, beautiful feeling of hopelessness. regret can taste so good. it’s a place other than the future, past, or present -- a realm of its own. time moves on, always ticking, travelling down one road forever, but here there is only sinking. to the depths of water you fall, the sound of rushing water so hypnotic and suffocating. a sensation in the back of your neck, the relaxing weight of resignation. as you’re anchored to the bottom, your mind detaches and floats to the surface. fine. you don’t need that here anyway. you don’t think, you only suffer. all that awaits you here is suffering. isnt it wonderful that you can predict everything here perfectly? there are no variables, just a buzzing in your chest aided by your concrete-filled lungs. it’s like they’re glowing. you once swam through your thoughts, but now you sink like a rock. she floats above it all, of course she does. she peers into the water and her reflection fragments in the waves. she can’t even see you. she would look away anyway. oh, beautiful, beautiful suffering, never leave me. all i have left is what you take from me.

that’s what it feels like to me anyway lol haha!!

#'omg harrier du bois is just like me fr'#<- words of a well adjusted happy person who doesn't have issues they need to work through #im having such a normal fucking time right now you don't even know #its 1:29 am right now i probably just need to sleep #the shivering i get when i stay up later affects my thought process a little i've noticed #'wow.. i feel like im floating through water rn.. thats so deep..' youre literally just tired and kind of dehydrated go to bed #or a vampire just bit you #but given how interesting your life usually is #its probably the former #disco elysium #why am i tagging this? because i thrive off regret did you not read the post

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hecksupremechips · 28 days

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Teehee I got hugged today 🥰

#the klock keeps ticking #it was literally like 2 seconds but idk im like WOOOOO #like it wasnt long enough for me to be all satisfied touch wise nah im so starved itd take all night and day man #and also this particular person is uh. very special ahem. and it was like #i wrapped my arms around them best I could and i could just feel their hips and like their body squish under my hands #cuz theyre so squishy and sturdy at the same time it felt safe and its like. thats really scary actually #ive never ever felt safe hugging anyone this kinda thing is brand new to me #touch in general is new to me. at least consensual touch that i wanted and initiated #and i just felt really nervous cuz like i really love this person but sometimes its hard cuz like ‘guys’ dont hug each other often #or at least not in a case like this where we’re friends but theres this sorta avoidance around anything romantic #cuz we’re both very awkward and also uh. trying not to cross certain boundaries just yet we need time #but unfortunately im so aaaaa rn and touch starved and i was like im just gonna bite the bullet and ask if we can hug LIKE A DAMN GAY ASS #its like fuck i may as well propose marriage and get on all fours while im at it aaghhhhh why am i like this #but it was fine they werent weirded out or anything. not visibly anyway. and they hugged me!!!#me! of all people! im like so happy we got to hug but im also really pissed cuz it was really brief and i didnt get to memorize how they #felt and now im just like grrrrr. fucking tease why must i be so tortured i get the smallest taste and then poof its gone #i just wanna cuddle and hug them for hours and pull their hair and feel their body all over and uhhhhhhhhh #ahem. i may be getting too gay here huh. damn itttt. fuck me. how do you ask your mate if you can explore bodies #in a way that definitely isnt platonic without making things weird

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tittysuckersworld · 1 month

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THE PEOPLES LIKE MINE ARTTTTT AAAAAAA

#i legit screamed a lil #which is bad cause really gotta sleep #but golly golly golly #wish i could just make a buncha fanarts rn #have at least 3 really good fics/poem thingies asked and have permission to make art for #so gonna do that hopefully soon #i just need to get school work done then work on the other stuffs yes #golly geebers glob heckers am so happy constantly now what #the beuty of humanity and connection never ceases to amaze me #asked in la class for a discussion if peopkes would give the housing to people with alergies or guide dogs and insted of choosing a side #they asked questions and proposed actually really really good ideas for how to find a semi sutible middle ground #and like so many really good artists and writers and just amazing people so much more all of sudden im getting to talk to a lil #and the mutuals/artists ive loved for a wile have been getting even better at arts and im wufbsudbsh #gosh i need to find the person again cause remember they felt down about their art but its just so so stunninggggg #like is so amazing i love art i love others creations i love how can just see so much positivity in world #being a sap but i dont care people can be so good!! people want to be good!!!!!! even if horid things are happening and some people are ick #the majority will try to be good in own ways and thats smth #thats all can hope for #i may just only be looking for positives but heck it im a lil positive thinker now abd the world has such beuty in small and big thingies

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girlwithfish · 4 months

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i feel stupid bc i couldnt leave an abusive relationship for two and a half years. clown emoji ur sooo dumb and stupid and weak and everyone thinks im stupid and i shouldnt date anyone bc im too stupid and will get abused again. how i am feelijg rn and ik this is very stupid

#had semi productive conversation w my sister but i just feel bad rn #and im trying to not rely on Guy but he did call me while i was talking w my sister and i rly wanna talk to him on the phone before i go to #sleep itd cheer me up a bit but thats bad!!!!#like ik i should b happy w myself blabla but im sorry i want love. is this so evil #idk #and my sister said it feels like idc how my family feels abt me dating so im gonna try to have a better conversation w my mom #but it just makes me think they think im dumb or dont think im constantly terrified of getting in the same situation #but she said its cuz i dont talk abt it so i understand #but itsl ike . of course im terrified and scared and anxious and im dealing w it alone and ik maybe i shouldnt but i am #Idk #anddd she said it was hard for everyone to see me in a relationship like that and i was brainwashed #which i understand too and now i feel guilty as fuck and like i did bad and im an evil person or not evil just stupidnand #some stupid robot who is too dumb to not be abused HAHA #yay :)

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volfoss · 5 months

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It's really funny looking back at my old concepts for this doll/character and seeing oh I was going for x vibe and now that I'm redoing it (and with better techniques/tools/practice kind of) it's going so much better than it did before

#twist rambles #like. why did i want to do full acrylic on the lips 😭 it does NOT look like real lip texture i promise #this is mostly thanks to a VERY helpful bjd forum member who was very patient with me but i feel that even tho I've taken over 6 months off #doing faceups this one is better than the one i tried to do last on her. weirdly parallel to the first faceup i did on cordy tbh bc that was #after YEARS of not practicing or doing it but doing more art related stuff. and it turned out very well for the time i was doing it #and thats how this is going. i think doing digital art has helped a lot weirdly like I'm working in more subtle layers and building it up #which works better for well. guy w insanely shaky hands disease (esp rn. ive been up nearly 24 hrs). so im glad its going well so far :)#hope that will continue bc i rly am happy w it thus far. rn just waiting for like 5 min until the sealant is dry and then... more eyebrow #work :/ <- hates doing the eyebrows. would love to never ever ever have to do eyebrows again okay.

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latejulys · 5 months

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they really didn't lie about the anua toner being 🔛🔝

#it's SOOOO good #i've only been using it for 4 days but i literally am Glowing rn #really happy with how my skin is it was alr good before (thank GODD for genes else i'm DONE fr no thanks to my habits n lifestyle)-#-but now its saurr much better 😋#on the downside i've been on tumbler dot com so much more making all these posts n thats when i know i'm becoming an Online Girl again LMFA #anyway it is what it is <333333333 mwah #y.txt

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strwbrymlkshake · 1 year

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LOVE ME THE MOST THE MOST YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!!!!! LOVE ME THE MOST I NEED TO BE THE ONLY THING IN YOUR MIND

#mine #🎸#vibrating at immense speeds rn ajskwkfllflwncf the MOST THE MOST ever #the only thing in your mind i need to be the BEST the most loved augh im not doing anything wrong but its still not ENOUGH #why cant i be satisfied. but at the same time LOVE ME MORE AND MORE AND MORE UNTIL LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE EXISTS #i need to add more fuel to the fire of our love but i dont know what to do exactly... clearly mentioning the issue didnt work #idk i literally want him to kill me or something i need to be consumed by love. ah all of our mutual friends are quickly going to #learn how fucking mentally ill i can get. im not ready for them to but if hes telling them these things then theyre gonna KNOW #love me more more more i thought you used to be scared of how much you loved me. obsess over me again!!!!!!#if im not the one doing anything wrong what is the problem. what is preventing you from loving me the most you possibly can!!!#if its something with me I'll just kill that part of me. ugh he wouldnt want me partaking in unhealthy thoughts like this #so what is there to do? i need to drown in the grain silo of love. there isnt enough to drown in rn though... i cant just #make him love me more. an evil oriented solution would be to make everyone hate him so he just loves me but thats a horrible thing to do #and id feel bad about it forever. so im not gonna do THAT i want him to be happy. but even when hes happy he isnt loving me intensely #i need to be desired i need to be ripped open like a phone book –_–#everyone is learning how insane abt him i am and its kind of embarrassing. well my feelings i guess. it is embarrassing to have feelings #if this whole situation was an asmr youd be listening to it willingly. but its NOT arent you supposed to like me like this #im overthinking this hes probably just depressed which is making it difficult to be insane

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silenthillbunni · 6 months

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🎂🧸🚬

#now my least favorite day has started .... >.<#i normally dislike my birthdays but this one... this one is rough. more than any before #and ofc i got to start this shitty day with a headache :D so idk how well i'll sleep #i just hate hate my birthday so much. there's nothing abt me being born that is worthy to celebrate #and ngl.. it hurts that im not important to anyone. no one to congratulate me.. my sisters wont. no family or relatives.. no friends #like i dont even exist. my mom hasnt even said anything yet #tho i lowkey hope she'll forget abt it bc i dont wanna think abt it. i hate this day. why was i born lol #and i am extra dramatic abt this i think bc i have never been allowed to think that my birthday matters or that this is a special day #everyone have always shown me how little i matter and how much they do not care abt me. or my birthday lmao #like im selfish and demanding if i even wish for just one congrats. im not allowed to want to feel special or cared for #so thats why im extra emo abt it lol. T-T #i just cant help but feel soooo fkn bad rn but i have no one to talk to or distract myself abt it #my mom wanted to watch tv and have it be quiet. it is night now i get it. but i feel so so alone #nd worthless and useless and uloved. i dont matter i dont matter i know! but i wish i did. i rlly wish that i mattered...#anyway... gnna try not to kms today. life goes on. even if it all fkn sucks and i never get to feel happy fkn ever

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soldier-poet-king · 1 year

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I'm irrationally cranky and miserable and have been wanting to kill someone recently and it's like....oh I can't figure out why this is....

But also I'm like.....extreme traffic this week and having to drive in this godforsaken city instead of take the bus + medical anxiety + multiple OCD episodes + general winter blegh + work is being annoying and making me feel off + family drama + etc etc etc

#franposting #everything is a lot and im >:(#normally i can tell when its mental health or hormone mood swings #this is just like. life kicking me gently but without stopping #work is highly boring rn and so i have nothing to do #and im sitting reading ebooks while listening to this ancient ass collection of reels #which is like. fine. i should be happy to read #and i am! but also i feel guilty bad and its making me feel EVEN MORE OUT OF SORTS #even tho ive already asked TWICE if theres anything else i can be puttering away on at my computer #while i work with the reels #and theres literally no way to make this process faster #its two boxes of reeles from the 60s. most lakcing labels. some double track some quadruple #figure out what the fuck is on them #and ofc bc its tape theres no real play at 1.5x speed #thats not how it works and not to be a zillenial but HOLY SHIT its so boring and such a bad system #and i have 50+ OF THESE #each ranging anywhere from 1.5 to 10 hrs #most being at least 6

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fulcrvm · 10 months

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the last two+ months have been probably the most emotionally exhausting time ive ever had, but. good news. i have been drawing again. or, trying to. and it still makes me nauseous to pick up my pen and think of everything that led up to it (i dont want to think of the past year as a waste of time and money though it feels like it sometimes). but i have been drawing. and none of it's turning out fantastic and still, i think i just needed to remind myself how much i love art and making things and watching movies and reading comics and remembering why i want to do what i want to do. and progress is progress. i am happy with this for now.

#Yes its still the most unfortunate thing to be possibly kicked out from your dream major youve worked specifically for three years #and i have absolutely no idea how to feel about possibly getting a bfa in a major i dont really care about (esp one thats so similar but -#not quite)#but ill be fine in the long run. and im happy to use my newly free time to nurse my brain back to... idk. not feeling traumatised about art #i dont think ill get to do a lot of the art projects i wanted to initially. im too tired. one day ill get back to them #this is rough. i dont know what to think. but shakey progress is still progress #also please no unsolicited advice on this specific post i am not in the mind for it rn #//

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