i feel like I'm gonna cry. not for any particular reason other than *gestures vaguely*

Origin Story Text Posts and Onion Headlines Part 9

Kira: one of these days i'm going to roll my eyes too hard and i'm going to go blind, i just walked into this room at a party and someone yelled "dibs!", I'm sorry you must be at least a level 4 friend to unlock my tragic backstory, I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting., how ones one turn their emotions off, idc (I do care), This Shit Again, i hope common sense is the next cool trend, no offense but i hate myself and i hope i die in my sleep, i need a tall boyfriend so he can get things for me off of tall places. i changed my mind boys are demons ill get a ladder, "your eyes hella red u been smokin??" no I been crying bitch leave me alone, why do ppl think its ok to waste my time, who let me adult I can't adult, japanese legend says that if you shut the fuck up you wouldn't be so annoying, "yall need to chill" says me, who isn't chill not even a little bit., here i am, cuter and more kissable than ever, and how many kisses am i receiving? zero, why doesn't anyone appreciate my sarcasm and bitterness as much as i do, what the hap is fuckening, current mood: angrily bisexual., buying clothes that aren't black is hard, are those feelings get them away from me, girlfriend: why don't you take off that battle armor and slip into something a bit more.....comfortable me: i am most comfortable when i am impervious to most forms of physical attack, "I need to you to totally straight with me-" *nervous bisexual laughter*, i can't stop laughing at the fact that i used to think that i was straight me a heterosexual, ever wonder how different your life would be if that one thing never happened, Youve heard of Best Buy, now get ready for... me (the best bi), ATTENTION! The rumors are true! i AM beautiful AND hilarious at the SAME TIME. yes it is a lot to take in take ur time my beauty is timeless, Fact: Bisexuals are open to everything. Coffee dates, crowded parties, underground robot fighting rings, secret witch covens. We're open minded., bi people are are wonderful and magical and their identity is so so valid pass it on, Your Safety Is Our Second Concern, anyway sorry I sound really gay and bitter, list of things i'm handling well currently 1., my life's resume: i tried, anyway *goes to push my glasses up my nose by the bridge and accidentally gets fingerprint on lens* fuck okay hold on, do you ever just look at someone and think "I'm glad your parents had sex", If I had a dollar every time someone called me ugly I'd have 0 dollars bitch you thought lmao, I may be short but you're still beneath me

Jean: me 300 times a day: im so done, that person you just called a nerd? they are a giant nerd. you made a good call on that one., "if u like someone just tell them!" yeah sure goodbye, why does life feel like i'm playing on expert difficulty, the robot apocalypse will be caused by people talking about the robot apocalypse so much that the robots will think that's what we want and they're just trying their best, i want to give him (Becket) things like blowjobs and self esteem, I am awake but at what price, me: *discussing w/ myself in my head* me: my thoughts exactly, I'm like four days past my bedtime, no offense but some of us *looks pointedly at self in mirror* need to fucking chill, reasons to date me: 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: please lol, "its dark im scared" don't worry bae i got this *stomps foot* *sketchers light up*, me: *talks for 30 minutes straight on a subject no one cares about just because i love sharing information*, me:*lies down* things:*continue to happen* me: lieS DOWN HARDER*, friend: you look stressed me: haha yeah it's the stress, it's raining but it's not men so what's the point

Cypress: is it gay in here or is it just me?, im the seductive malicious forest spirit your parents warned you about, me: hangs out w/ little kids and tries to reach them self love and feminist ideas, I am a dream girl I already know, i'm a good person i don't deserve to be mistaken for a heterosexual, *me flirting* hey wanna suffer together, "sit up straight" how dare you i'll sit as gay as i please, Area Women Not Listened To Again, "women are weaklings!" i'm strong enough to carry your corpse to the woods, I'm in love with this girl. She's gorgeous, smart, talented, funny as hell, and totally badass. That girl is me. boy: says something sexual or flirtatious me: right...anyway, "you can't wear that!!!! people will get the wrong impression!!!" the impression that i am a hot babe with an ass that just won't quit??" honey that ain't wrong that's just a fact

Becket: am i a complex carbohydrate because i am slowly breaking down, I'm usually that person who has no idea what's going on, no offense but what the fuck am I doing, eyebrow game strong?, more like eyeBAG game strong. i'm fucking exhausted. haha lol, au where i'm not crying, i expect the minimum and am still disappointed, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE who are simultaneously GIANT DORKS are my ULTIMATE WEAKNESS, me: knows exactly what i have to say me: stutters and fucks up a 5 word sentence, me, a sensitive and very emotional person who cries easily and can't take any criticism: i wanna fight someone

Liam: im fluent in talking shit, is it morally okay to pray that your crush's relationship doesn't work out, I walk this broken road on the boulevard of broken roads Don't know where it broke but it's only me and I broke the road, can you not date people that are not me? it's rude., i think i stole all of the wrong personality traits when when making my identity because no one fucking likes me??, hot people who know they're hot are the worst and can't be trusted, I thought you were in love? just with myself, *avoids even people i love w all heart*, I may look calm but in my head I've killed you three times, Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father's Murder, i bet you thought you'd seen the last of me, i try not to sound like an asshole but it's really hard because i am an asshole, why are 15 year olds so angry

Bean: wanna make a secret handshake it involves us touching our mouths together for three hours, don't look at me i'll fall in love with u, Do you ever look at a person and get the urge to just drop everything and yell I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU, here's a little song i like to call "i cherish our friendship so i won't tell you i would totally have sex with you if you asked"

Cyra: IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD I'M GOING TO GRAB YOUR FACE AND kiss it because you're cute , do you ever just want to hold someone in your arms for about 37 years, QUICK. PUT YOUR LIPS ON MINE IT'S AN EMERGENCY, @god thanks for making girls so pretty, they're just really cute and in love, my kink is a happy n fulfilling relationship, my seduction style is is genuinely caring about your life & wanting you to improve & be happy, otp: smol and tol, you can't be hot and just expect me to act normal

Jean and Kira: I'm Always Open To Feedback I Can Get Defensive About And Ultimately Ignore

The Squad: Group Of Good-Looking People All Headed Toward Same Place