Tw ED

😭😭 so a couple months ago(before I relapsed again) I invited my friends over for a sleepover which is gonna be today💀that’s why I can’t fast today. The only reason I even invited them was just so I could talk to one of them. I think one of my friends also has an ed I’m not sure though.. maybe we all have EDs lol. We’re all thin. One of them is a small portion Queen💅 the other told me at are last sleep over that she actually feels guilty eating around other people and that so feels even more guilty if she doesn’t finish her plate if everyone else does. Also once I told friend A(guilty girl) that I was 89 lbs and she said she weighed less than me in a shocked voice. Could have been some way to make me feel bad but idk she might have been lying. But then again you probably don’t expect to see someone 19 inch waist and you weigh less then them. Anyway, at the last sleep over me and friend A stayed up all night and shit. And we had a somewhat deep conversation. I wanted to continue it tonight(I can’t do it during the day cuz friend B(small potion queen)will try to turn every deep conversation into a silly one)and since my parents don’t know friend A’s parents very well, she can’t sleep over(friend B can tho) friend A is just gonna stay over for a bit ig. It’s kinda annoying cuz I have more in common with friend A, but I’ll live as long as friend B doesn’t get to comfortable and start acting like a 5 year old all of the sudden for literally no reason. Otherwise friend B is somewhat pleasant to be around(sadly no deep convo’s tho☹️) but that’s not the real problem. Eating is… I got to choose the food cuz it was at my house duh, but my mom acted like I was trying to starve them when I made our meal 300cal so now it’s 500cal. It’s a lot more than I would like and my mom still wants to get them soda. If they do actually have EDs they’ll hate that. Plus they can also have bread(I don’t like bread) I’ll probably try to pick at my food and shit and not finish anything I eat. It’ll be hard but i really don’t want binge, and i try eating normally I will. I will also give options for the calories tho. I’ll let them choose what and how much they want(I hope it doesn’t cause to much stress) they can choose between a 200 or 300 cal ramen or just have bread or just fruit or whatever. I’m honestly scared that I’ll binge(when I eat in front of others I tend to get super nervous and binge which makes them think I have a super metabolism lol, I hate when they make jokes like “you’ll eat anything” or “wow that’s a lot” or “you eat a lot for your size” though) funny enough another friend of mine used to skinny shame me a lot like “your so skinny” or “that’s because your so skinny” or “you don’t eat(me literally eat ten buckets of candy I don’t even like)” that shit ya know? She stopped now, either she realized it was rude and pointless or I’m not skinny to her anymore(I did gain 10 lbs but also lost 3 inches of my waist) so idk. Anyway I just invited friends A and B to my sleepover. And I’m kinda dreading it, I didn’t lose enough weight so I’m dry fast until 3:30pm and eating at 5:30pm (which will mean a 24 hr water fast and a 22 hr dry fast). I really hope it helps me lose weight today 🤞also I can’t purge cuz one of them will be sleeping over💀💀😭😭😭

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skyglow:

(alternative title: photo dump of a midnight desert run)

IDK i just feel like

actively sexual Jon Sims 🤝 skinny Martin Blackwood

-go against what is VERY strongly implied to be canon and can be interestingly explored in fanworks that actually go into depth about the character’s relationship with their sexuality/body and I have seen some works that do in fact do that and are amazing but often instead of that, at best, a lazy excuse is thrown in to justify making these characters more “palatable” for established norms even though literally 99% of all popular characters (including the majority of characters IN TMA) are either canonically or mainly interpreted to be non sex averse and thin and you can literally just pick one of those characters for smut/drawing only “““conventionally attractive”“ people

I keep saying I should find a new hobby, but actually starting anything is so challenging for some reason and i can't tell if it's an adhd thing, depression thing, perfectionist thing, or some concoction of all three.

That said I have felt less depressed this year! Not sure if the TMS helped but having my middle ear myoclonus episodes only be 2 hours long instead of 8+ as of the beginning of the year probably helps. Still hoping that will go away eventually.

This week I'm gonna apply for my american passport, maybe then I'll feel more american?? It means a lil' trip to santa cruz on tuesday because otherwise I have to wait a month for an appointment.

waaaaghhh

Not to be a jingfu on main, but it's so cute that Jing Yuan thought of Fu Xuan with those jelly beans

you ever think you're doing amazingly and then one day pulls the entire thing apart and you've gone back three steps and feel like shit again

Iv been crying so much more recently int he past few month I feel like I'm going crazy, I keep freaking out and losing it and hating myself more and more

And now my eyes sting while I'm crying and that hurts and I don't know what to do I don't know

I think i sound very uh flat n monotone normally, but a lot of ppl disagree.. my perception of my self is sooo skewed

I'm halfway to my goal weight!!! 🥳🥳🥳

starting to belive that statistic about college students putting on weight while living on campus. having unrestricted access to unlimited ammounts of preprepared food has not done wonders for my weight let me tell you.

so i still have an eating disorder…

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and so starts my hell

(venting in tags)