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#that sleep changed my life no joke
funneylizzie · 1 year
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So how do you think it went when Casey Jr got to crash on a regular bed and sleep in (probably for the first time) like a normal teenager? Seeing as he probably didn't get those chances fighting for his life constantly with the Krang
OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH I THINK ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME.
Casey finally getting some proper rest for the first time in his life, after YEARS of sleeping with one eye open, in short naps spread throughout the day, after so many slow, agonizing, tiring nights where he had to be the lookout so the others could get some rest too. After FINALLY defeating the Kraang in his redo timeline, his brain is still so active. He has a hard time falling asleep, breaking a life long habit is not an easy thing to do!
The others will try to coax him into sleeping, give him a nice comfy place to sleep, whether it be a bed or the couch. Lots of blankets and pillows, they’re doing their best to show him the comforts of the present day because this boy has never gotten proper rest in his life.
It takes a while, but Casey FINALLY falls asleep during one of their movie marathons. He doesn’t intend to, but they were all just so comfy, and his brain finally took a moment to relax. This isn’t just asleep, it’s asleep asleep.
Boy is knocked for a good 20 hours after that, wakes up in a completely different room with blankets over him and the lights off. Dried drool on the side of his cheek, hair matted to one side, incredibly thirsty, doesn’t know what year it is, the wrinkles in the sheets and his clothes leaving little indent marks on his skin. He cannot form one single cohesive thought. It’s like one of those after school naps that just hit different
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scroldie · 3 months
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sorry ok i'm normal now. or maybe not. do i have to dig up my 1000 posts and rage pieces about The Economist and other things re: sayid and ben's fucked up dynamic or do you not have the next 1000 hours free
#i really need to sleep but now i'm awake lmfao. my blood pressure /JOKING#ultimately i think my attachment to sаyιd and my desire to see him happy and healthy and living a normal life where he realizes he's not th#bad monster he got used to thinking he was trumps any intrigue i have abt their dynamic and whatever affection i may have for ben#which you know. it Is there somehow. but i'm still angry at him &i'll never forgive him & i need him to be 10000 feet away from sаyιd#at all times. which drives me nuts bc hugo ends up sticking by ben for his mostly off-screen redemption arc. which i think makes sense#if ur gonna have someone redeem ur main antagonist it better be someone like hugo. but also it's just nuts bc hugo is like sаyιd's bestie#and sаyιd suffered so much bc of ben. ofc by that point in the show sаyιd has died twice and the second one is permanent...#ik he had his own agency and he was a grown man making his own decisions but it still doesn't change the fact that ben manipulated him#as he does for most other people but. idk idk i'm protective abt sаyιd ok he can go play his mind games w literally everybody else#it just sucks cz sаyιd has such a low perception of himself and everyone and his environment around him are forcing him to be the worst#version of himself and only reinforcing this false notion that he's born to kill etc#obviously that's not the case even though he's done horrible things in his life#his hands are not only meant for hurting but he's been forced to see it and himself that way ugh#his hands can protect and build just as much if not more. and we literally see him do both. yet he gets pushed to do violence#sorry lol looks like i don't need to srb everything i got a little sillay in the tags#op#💘.txt#sаyιd
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sunglassesmish · 11 months
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i need to start drinking more water. and eating better. and getting out/moving around more. yeah i used to be good at, or at least i tried to be, taking a walk everyday and drinking enough water. i may have fallen into old habits over the past year but i really want to change. but why is it so hard 😞
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weirdasscomments · 4 months
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starlightgatherer · 7 months
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wuh woh
#vince.txt ⚟#this is my tumblr so who give a shit but like#ill be honest? i do think im sort of running out of that usual steam i have to keep pushing#even after her death i felt like people just. pressured me wah too much to just pretend like nothing happened or anything#not even counting the subsequent treatment i received too 😀 after multiple requests for people to maybe not violate boundaries#like i dunno. maybe dont tell me to kill myself. or make jokes about car crashes and shit#or even make jokes about me not having a partner anymore 😟 i thought itd be easy but i suppose not#and then theres THIS current thing too which annoys me to all hell#it annoys me that some people can just do shit and get away with it and have their lives uninterrupted#whilst im stuck slowly bleeding out night after night not able to sleep anymore#or to look at certain people without completely breaking down#because the physical aspect does matter yeah. ill never be able to regain most of my sense of touch in that hand#im never gonna truly regain my dexterity either but#those aren't gonna be things that torture me for the rest of my life yk#day after day has been torment for me as of late#and i really don't think thats gonna change#not for a while at least. i know im strong and all but#i do think im at my wit's end. between people and my hand and the fact that ill never get closure on anything#november grows closer every single year after all too#I'll get over myself one of these days though
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boomerang109 · 6 months
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WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ITS OCTOBER TMRW
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themthistles · 1 year
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'survival shows are so bad and toxic and exploitative and misleading and biased :(' why are you still watching
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gothcarmelasoprano · 1 year
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maw why are these troll accounts linked through my ex best friends STILL following me
#im highly convinced at this stage she was the one that made the fake accounts#the gas thing is is that she was mainly an online friend and had she kept in touch with me at the time she wouldve known i was in the#studio in college preparing for my assignment for the semester so i dont fail like there were specific requirements we had to get done for#that week... and you think i would have that time to make fake accounts if anything itd be you and your online friends#emphasis on online because you could hardly make friends or even get a job here so you got one back home#the saddest thing is that the memes can be funny but its just what they represent in this whole situation that sours it completely#dont get me started on her friend she is honestly so polarising even from an outsider's perspective#ugh it doesnt annoy me anymore as it did because at the end of the day it has nothing to do with me but the fact that theyre STILL going on#about it makes me think that her and her online buddies have nothing else to do apart from being with themselves constantly#i had that life but no way did i want to live that way in my 20s 💀#i fucked up before that incident but isnt it convenient when we hardly spoke for a month just for the ~fake account~ to appear to stop#being friends like as awful as it sounds but itd actually be a lot easier just to say you dont want to be friends#instead of dragging outsiders into it like you do best#the saddest thing is that she was actually quite fake even before she went down a permanent online rabbit hole#and i was aware of it but because i was emotionally vulnerable at the time i never cut her off since i really wanted friends to talk to#play that cool girl alty idgaf attitude all you like but it doesn't change the fact that you're superficial no matter how much you mask it#ugh im hormonal and i cant sleep but at the same time its nice to be able to freely bc not as many people use tumblr anymore#i block those accounts not because im offended or im precious about my image but they do spam and its annoying af so i dont want that tbh#having pictures with a school friend whilst under the same breath making jokes of their dead brother is not a good look 😬#i did fucked up things as a result of coping with trauma and alienation as a teenager but this is actually low?#im sorry but it does it screams fake and im pretty sure that the fake treatment was given to me when we first became friends#fake people rarely ever change#i have to get ready for work in an hour this was unexpected#might vent later because i feel like i can do anything on this godforsaken website#the shocking thing to them is that they nothing on me if anything the 'proof' she showed me almost exposed her and her crowd#i have deleted my fb account but i still have the screenshots somewhere
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gideonisms · 1 year
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my fear of roaches is so severe now....yes I CAN grab them with a paper towel and throw them outside without breaking a sweat and yes I AM the bug catcher in most of my living situations but I'm dying inside and if a hot girl WANTED to fall in love with me and catch them for me from now on I would Not say no
#:/#my heart rate is still coming down. i'm at my aunt's so i don't have my tent so i'm just 🤢🤢😱💀#everyone else thinks i should squish them but the sound ...no. urhghgghhhh#well and also i have a thing about unsavory awful disgusting forms of life and how you know. we are all that to someone or something and#who am i really to kill things unnecessarily for walking in the wrong place#sometimes you have to like at my apartment it had to be a battle ground bc it was them or me but u know.#off the point off the point#i have to leave this state this country this universe this galaxy. goodbye#i simply cannot be here under these conditions (saw scary bug)!!! and i'm not happy!!!#also having weird feelings abt time with my family that i chose like it wasn't mandatory for me to be here and i did want to hang out#but i'm just feeling distant & off bc i'm so different than them ig? and my beliefs clash so much and it feels bad not to say anything#but i just can't think of anything to say that would be constructive sometimes#so it's like they'll make comments i don't love but that are kind of on the edge where it's like. how do i adress this it's just a joke or#like sometimes it's not but it's something so deeply tied to their whole belief system that like idek where to start bc#i don't really want them to change their religion etc. that's something they want for me and it sucks so i'd never expect that from others#because it sucks!#but yeah when i spend time away from them it's kinda like wow y'all are the people i love and i'm not sure how i feel about that#anyway. hm. getting weird after 2 am perhaps it's time to admit defeat petition whatever deity controls roaches for some peace & go to sleep
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vixered · 2 years
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anyway my new antidote to feeling severely mentally unstable is to go outside and spend like an hour in the chicken coop. because they don’t ask questions or judge you. they just like.. come up to you. and look at u questioningly. and sometimes peck at your freckles and scars or frayed parts of ur clothes. and then the especially friendly ones will jump up onto your back while you’re crouched over hanging out with them and occasionally take a gigantic shit on your shoulder or in your hair. and honestly it is healing.
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cursebreakerfarrier · 4 months
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My dog decided to wake me up at 2am to do her business on my fucking bedroom floor (and it’s fucking carpet)
#I don’t want to be tmi but I need to vent and it’s not as if that many people are around her at 2am anyway#she’s had like diarrhoea since yesterday and we have her working tablets just in case#because the last time she was like this she had the tablets and she was fine#and I was like ‘oh she’ll be fine tomorrow’#and then 2am comes and I don’t even get a chance to get out of bed after I’ve woken up#my family are asleep so I’ve been creeping around trying to clean up#and I’m FUCKING LIVID#I CANT BEGIN TO TELL YOU#CAN ANYTHING ELSE GO FUCKING WRONG#please refer to me a murphy from now on#actually gonna change my name now because the universe is playing some kind of sick joke so I might as well go along with it#the smell is going to haunt me#it’s windy outside so I can’t open my window too much so I’ve gone mad with the body spray to try and get rid of it 😭#just fucking kill me please 😭😭😭😭😭#and yeah I think my dog is okay now#she’s been banished to the downstairs toilet room where she used to sleep before sleeping in my room#I just hope she doesn’t do anything else tonight because no one will know until like 6/7am#you know that thing where it’s like oh you’re suffering? you must have been a bastard horrible person in your previous life?#well I must have been really fucking evil and I’m paying for it#and to top it all off my period is giving me hell and it’s making me too hot so I can’t sleep (thanks hormones)#*screams into pillow*#I HATE MY LIIIIIIIIFE#personal#rambles
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shooting-love-arrows · 4 months
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𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄! 𝐒𝐔𝐆𝐀𝐑 𝐃𝐀𝐃𝐃𝐘
PAIRING: 𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞! 𝐒𝐮𝐠𝐚𝐫 𝐃𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 x reader (gender not mentioned/implied/specified); SYNOPSIS: Your first meeting with him was anthing but charming. Especially when he cornered you to the point, where you know you'll have no choice but to submit. TW. implied age gap, manipulation, threatening (?), red flag, power imbalance;
𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭
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"How can I help you, sir?"
"Be my sugar baby."
You blinked owlishly, trying to process what this customer said and if it was on the menu. When in fact it turned out that it isn't and you connected the words and their meaning, you were ready to burst out laughing.
He can't be serious.
Just by looking at him, you can tell he occupies a high position in some fancy corporation. You were even ready to bet that he was a CEO! It was a mystery itself why he was here, in a food chain restaurant in the first place. An enigma why he even said something like that to you, a plain worker who is pretty much opposite in every aspect one could think of.
He is handsome, you give him that. Probably older than you, since his face was more defined and mature. His suit, which you imagned to be tailor-made, colonge that was so strong you could smell it from behind the counter and all the expensive accesories (I mean look at his watch! Worth univesity tuition installment or two!) he had on were probably worth more than what you owned now.
But no, you aren't stupid. Sleep deprived, yes. Hungry, yes. Broke, also unfortunately, yes. But not stupid.
This man must be high then. No other sane and sober and filthy rich man would propose something like that to the (broke) food chain worker during the first meeting.
You took a deep breath, reminding yourself to be calm. He is still your client and you are fighting to be this employee of the month. You can already envision your photo hanging by the cashier and feel the additional money in your bank account. You won't lose your cool now.
Instead, you plastered your best fake smile.
"I'm afraid that's not on our menu sir. Do you fancy something else?"
The man chuckled, as if you told the best and poshest joke known to mankind. Your eyebrow twitched, yet your smile didn't budget.
Calm down...he is high...let him laugh...employee of the month...additional money...!
"You're more amusing than I thought." 𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞! 𝐒𝐮𝐠𝐚𝐫 𝐃𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 wiped a stray tear from his eye. "Trust me sweetie, I love how you call me 'sir' but that doesn't change the fact that my request still stays. I want you to be my sugar baby."
"I'm afraid that's not possible, sir."
"Ho ho, everything is possible." 𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞! 𝐒𝐮𝐠𝐚𝐫 𝐃𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 hid his hands in the pocket of his pants. He was staring down at you, like you were the most interesting thing he saw in a long while. You began to feel uneasy and slightly curled into yourself. You didn't like how mischievous his smirk looked.
A beat of tense silence passed, before he spoke again.
"I won't back down, sweetie. You know, I've learned that when you really want something, you should fight for it till you'll achieve it. This situation is no different than a business. I provide you safety and money, while you agree to be mine and fulfill my (every) requests." He finished his speech with a smile worth a million dollars, showing off his pearly white and straight teeth.
"Sir -- "
"After all, you wouldn't want your current life to crumble, hm?" You froze when his expression became sinister and his voice lowered to the point of mocking. In your gut you began to feel dread. You knew this feeling bery well. It appears whenever you sense danger. Currently, this man in front of you was a person who you should be afraid of. One thing for sure, he wasn't lying when he said he can destroy you in a matter of one call.
Money rules the world.
"Your measly, little thing, who believes something will change. That it is just a stepping stone. But what if I make it your prison? Force you to be stuck here until you break under pressure? In the end, you'll still agree to be mine, sweetie. It depends on you if you want to suffer or not."
And destroy those who are too weak and gets crushed under its ruthless rule.
"This choice is yours." 𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞! 𝐒𝐮𝐠𝐚𝐫 𝐃𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 straightened his back and only now you realized he was holding a sheet of paper. "All you have to do is to sign this..."
You knew you have no choice.
"So pick carefully, sweetie."
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All of the published posts on this account/blog belongs to @shooting-love-arrows. I do not consent to my works being: translated, stolen, published or reposted on this and other sites. Likes, reblogs, comments are highly appreaciated. Thank you.
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DPXDC prompt. Dead on main. Singer! Phantom x Red Hood!Jason
Laws are easily changed if businessmen smell money.
Paulina and Sam suggest Danny to try to become a singer in order to change society's opinion about ghosts a little. In the end, the otherworldly sound of his voice can at least be used for the benefit of Realms.
And it seems like the Everlasting Trio is really liked by the public. At first they just release a few songs (Exams kill, Battle with myself, What an Autopsy Won't Show, Among the stars). But a mysterious atmosphere mixed with understandable teenage problems begins to take over teens playlists. Their fans want more and more.
So, when under the pressure of the public and profit-hungry bigwigs all bans on the presence of ecto creatures in the United States are lifted, the Trio goes on their first Tour.
~~~~~
Jason stumbles upon Phantom's songs completely by accident. It was painful to hear them for the first time but at the same time it was as if he could breathe again because he had found someone similar. Someone who understands, and who doesn't judge him for coming back wrong. Jason listens to his voice on repeat and the rage seems to recede and subside. There is sadness of loss and fear in the songs but most of them end bringing some hope and this thought gives Red Hood more strength not to break down for another day. and then another, and another..And one day, the green eyes in the mirror do not scare Jason but shows him that he belonging to something more. Todd can't explain it more precisely, but it was as if the waters of Lazarus inside him had calmed down and he was no longer enemies with them. He even jokes with Tim that he is finally rest in peace and ready to live a full undead life when his brother (God, his lil brother whom he wanted to hurt recently because of his own stupidity), asks him about his strange behavior.
~~~~~
Jason forgets how to breathe again. His favorite band, and most importantly his favorite vocalist, is coming to Gotham with a concert. For many years now, none of the nonresidents have dared to take such a risk, but it seems like Phantom has absolutely no instinct for self-preservation. Well, as a true fan, Red Hood will do his best so that none of the gothamites spoil the Trio's impression of their first concert here. Danny is beside himself with excitement. Their concert in the hometown of the Red Hood was approved. Of course, there is no chance that he would be able to meet such a busy vigilante but Phantom continues to dream. If he'll fly a little over the city instead of sleeping after rehearsals, maybe he'll get an autograph from at least one member of the bat clan.
~~~~~ Phantom: Thank you very much Mr. Nightwing sir. Just sign it for.. Nightwing: For a Phantom, right? Huh, I recognized you, my brother has poster in his room. Nice hairstyle by the way. Danny*urgently*: Which one of them?
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Nightwing: Jeez, and I thought it was just a stage image. Ghosts are kinda creepy. Terribly persistent, to be precise. And yeah, Jason, he absolutely not against you as a vigilante. You can safely ask Phantom to sign your helmet, I promise. Man was so happy when find out you're listening to his songs, you have no idea.
Jason *holds out a hand*. Nightwing: What? Jason: If you dared to meet Phantom before me, then where is my autograph? Nightwing: Em..oops? I gave him mine if it helps.
Jason: *sounds of an angry lazarus demon*.
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lowkeyremi · 1 month
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JJK CHARACTERS AND THEIR ICKS
basically things they do that make you upset. this is a joke so please do not attack me. y'all already know i never miss a chance to slander gojo!!! credit to my sweet mutual lene (@satorisoup) for giving me this idea!!! GO READ HER'S (if you're into haikyuu)
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Gojo
PLEASE. He 100% leaves his clothes on the floor and it really grates your nerve when the hamper is RIGHT THERE!!! and he just leaves them right in front of it. It's so embarrassing when you have guests over and they just pull a dirty sock from between the couch cushions.
Yuji
I love him but I just KNOW he leaves toothpaste in the sink. It's like he doesn't understand the concept of rinsing the sink out after you brush your teeth. You'll finally be making your way into the bathroom to brush your teeth and there's dried spit and toothpaste in the sink.
Megumi
Always. talks. back. It does not matter he always has something to say. "Well you could have just taken out the trash like I asked you to." and he'll say something snarky like, "Maybe if you weren't so soft spoken I would have heard you." BOY SHUT UP BEFORE YOU GET SLAPPED.
Geto
He is a HUGE gossip. "Mimiko was telling me about xyz yesterday." He just doesn't know when to shut up. People think Geto is a very quiet and kept to himself kind of person but when he knows you he will not stop talking shit.
Toji
There are so many things I could say but the worst of them all is the fact that he will wear the same pair of underwear more than twice. "Toji... are those the same fucking boxers you had on Thursday?" You can see the hem line of his boxers and it looks like the same pair from Thursday. He sets down his cup, "Uh, probably. What's today?" ... "IT'S SUNDAY. JUST WASH YOUR CLOTHES!"
Nanami
He's overbearing with tasks. He forgets that you know how to do things and will bug you until he knows you've done them. "Don't forget to take your car to get an oil change soon." You nod.
A few hours later when he returns home, "Have you gone down to get the oil ch-"
"Kento! The love of my life. I know. I'm going tomorrow." ... "Oh, okay. I'm sorry."
Nobara
Leaves her plate/bowl/etc on the table. You've reminded her on multiple occasions that she needs to do it but she just forgets. "Food was great!" She yells with a smile. In no time she's up from the table sprinting to the living room. "Nobara.. your plate." She freezes, "Oh shit right. I'll get it!"
Maki
She snores. It's not the cute kind either, it's the loud obnoxious kind that prevents you from sleeping. You've tried to get her to change her sleeping posture and find other ways to help but it does. not. matter. By the end of the night she will be holding you close. Your back pressed against her front and loud snores ringing in your ear.
Inumaki
Never gives you any kind of warning when he's going to fart he just does it. HE KNOWS they're a lethal weapon but finds it funny whenever you're screaming at him and gasping for air. God forbid he ever farts while you two are in bed because a dutch oven from him is probably enough to kill you.
Shoko
She laughs whenever you trip or get hurt in any kind of way. She doesn't even mean it she just does it. Like say she sees that the pavement is uneven she doesn't say anything and watches you trip, just to laugh about it. "Okay okay okay, I'm so *giggle* sorry. I should have said something, let me help you up."
Sukuna
Thinks because he's lived for a long time he knows everything and then he gets mad when, "This stupid little talking box won't work." (his phone) "This shit is broken again." He complains throwing it to you. "Dude.. it's powered off. 'Mr. I Know Everything.'" He rolls his eyes at you, "I do know everything you shit for brains." You scoff, "See if I ever help you turn on your 'talking box' again."
Choso
He's always second guessing you. He doesn't even realize it either. The two of you will be driving and he's like, "Are you sure you know where we're going? Should I pull up GPS." YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING CHILL. He's just really cautious though which is why he asks a million times.
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angelltheninth · 1 month
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Weak at the Knees
Pairing: Angel Dust x Reader
Tags: fluff, established relationship, kissing, flirting, long day at work, height difference, the term "Daddy" used once as a joke, Angel Dust's chest floof, Angel Dust's real name
Word count: 0.5k
A/N: I haven't been giving enough love to Angel Dust, I'm sorry! Lucifer really took over my brain.
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10. "You make my head spin and my knees shake."
Waiting for your boyfriend to get home always filled you with anxiety. Less now that you were living at the Hazbin Hotel but crept back up whenever he had to go to the Studio. Angel Dust was just doing his job, you didn't mind that part, he was your boyfriend, he could fuck anyone but he loved you. What made you anxious was the fact that Valentino was there.
"Worried for him too huh Nuggets?" The little demon pig oinked and pushed his snout against you in comfort. "He'll be home soon." You had no idea when you started thinking of the Hotel as your home but it was actually not that bad here.
The door clicked open, alerting you to Angel Dust's arrival. He walked in, clearly tired but forced a smile at you and Fat Nuggets. "Babe. Ya didn't have ta wait up for me."
"I didn't have to but I wanted to." Moving the little piglet you closed the distance between you and your boyfriend. His four arms pulled you against him, and you felt his grin against your lips. "Welcome back Anthony."
"Thanks babycakes." He kissed your cheek next, then your neck. "Were ya good while Daddy was away?"
"Yes." You pushed yourself up against his chest floof, taking in his natural scent that was hidden past the sweet smoke of the Studio.
For the life of him he couldn't hold his grin back, "I was asking Fat Nuggets but good ta know ya behaved too." Oh. You answered without thinking, "Don't be shy! I love that horny brain of yours." His hands lowered to your ass and pressed your body against his tall and lanky one.
"What can I say? You make my head spin and my knees shake." Honestly was a virtue right? You were on a path towards redemption... sometimes. Only on occasion.
"I'll make your knees weak alright. I got fucking railed today but that doesn't mean I can't rail ya. If you're up for it that is." Angel Dust always asked first. It was important that you said yes, with your words and your body.
Your body was in fact saying yes, but you took in the state of his. He was tired, way too tired. And you didn't want him to just get on his back for you. "Not tonight." Before he could ask why you started guiding him towards the bed, "I want all your strength for tomorrow morning. Charlie said something about a trip and I cannot go all day tomorrow without your dick."
"Quicke. You'll be all the needier for me." Angel Dusts quickly got changed for bed, normally he'd tease you by taking his clothes of slowly, but tonight he didn't have the energy. He pulled you against his chest, fully on top of him. One of his hands reached down to pet Fat Nuggets, "Night Fat Nuggets. Night, sweetheart."
"Good night boys. I love you." You nuzzled your face against his chest, your favorite pillow as sleep slowly overtook you both, Angel Dust first, then when his breath evened out you followed.
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iwanthermidnightz · 5 months
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When I was 24 I sat in a backstage dressing room in London, buzzing with anticipation. My backup singers and bandmates gathered around me in a scattered circle.Scissors emerged and I watched in the mirror as my locks of long curly hair fell in piles on the floor. There I was in my plaid button down shirt, grinning sheepishly as my tour mates and friends cheered on my haircut. This simple thing that everyone does. But I had a secret. For me. It was more than a change of hairstyle. When I was 24. I decided to completely reinvent myself.
How does a person reinvent herself, you ask? In any way I could think of. Musically, geographically, aesthetically, behaviorally, motivationally. And I did so joyfully. The curiosity I had felt the first murmurs of while making red had amplified into a pulsing heartbeat of restlessness in my bars. The risks I took when I toyed with pop sounds and sensibilities on red? I wanted to push it further. The sense of freedom I felt when traveling to big bustling cities? I wanted to live in one. The voices that had begun to shame me in new ways for dating like a normal young woman? I wanted to silence them.
You see, in the years preceding this, I had become the target of slut shaming, the intensity and relentlessness of which would be criticized and called out if it happened today. The jokes about my amount of boyfriends. The trivialization of my songwriting as if it were a predatory act of a boy crazy psychopath. The media co-signing of this narrative. I had to make it stop because it was starting to really hurt.
It became clear to me that for me there was no such thing as casual dating, or even having a male friend who you platonically hang out with. If I was seen with him, it was assumed I was sleeping with him. And so I swore off hanging out with guys, dating, flirting, or anything that could be weaponized against me by a culture that claimed to believe in liberating women but consistently treated me with the harsh moral codes of the Victorian era.
Being a consummate optimist, I assumed I could fix this if I simply changed my behavior. I swore off dating and decided to focus only on myself, my music, my growth. And my female friendships. If I only hung out with my female friends, people couldn't sensationalize or sexualize that, right? I would learn later on that people could and people would.
But none of that mattered then because I had a plan and I had a demeanor as trusting as a basket of golden retriever puppies. I had the keys to my own apartment in New York and I had new melodies bursting from my imagination. I had Max Martin and Shellback who were happy to help me explore this new sonic landscape I was enamored with. I had a new friend named Jack Antonoff who had made some cool tracks in his apartment. I had the idea that the album would be called 1989. And we would reference big 80's synths and write sky high choruses. I had sublime, inexplicable faith and I ran right toward it, in high heels and a crop top.
There was so much that I didn't know then, and looking back I see what a good thing that was. This time of my life was marked by right kind of naïveté, a hunger for adventure. And a sense of freedom I hadn't tasted before. It turns out that the cocktail of naïveté, hunger for adventure and freedom can lead to some nasty hangovers, metaphorically speaking. Of course everyone had something to say. But they always will. I learned lessons, paid prices, and tried to… don't say it don't say it. I'm sorry, I have to say it. Shake it off.
I’ll always be so incredibly grateful for how you loved and embraced this album. You, who followed my zig zag creative choices and cheered on my risks and experiments. You, who heard the wink and humor in "blank space" and maybe even empathized with the pain behind the satire. You, who saw the seeds of allyship and advocating for equality in "Welcome to New York". You, who knew that maybe a girl who surrounds herself with female friends in adulthood is making up for a lack of them in childhood (not starting a tyrannical hot girl cult). You, who saw that I reinvent myself for a million reasons, and that one of them is to try my very best to entertain you. You, who have had the grace to allow me the freedom to change.
I was born in 1989. Reinvented for the first time in 2014, and a part of me was reclaimed in 2023 with the re-release of this album I love so dearly.
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the magic you would sprinkle on my life for so long. This moment is a reflection of the woods we've wandered through and all this love between us still glowing in the darkest dark.
I present to you, with gratitude and wild wonder, my version of 1989.
It’s been waiting for you.
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