When Vicky Needed Honey

(An OC Kiss Week collaboration between @super-unpredictable98 and @misskittysmagicportal. No warnings, just mother/daughter love. Moonwalkers/The Umbrella Academy AU)

I woke up with that weird feeling again. I looked over at Klaus, still pretty much asleep, and grunted. On my way to the bathroom I prayed and prayed, but no luck. My period was nowhere to be found. A couple of days, I can understand, an entire week is a bit more worrying.

The last few days I've been feeling kinda sick, but it could be stress. I've been feeling kinda tired, understandable after two apocalypses. I've been feeling a little dizzy, which could easily be from the time travel... But my period wouldn't come, so that was starting to freak me out.

"Hey, Vanya... Would you buy a pregnancy test for me?" I rehearsed in front of the mirror. "No, no, I should ask Allison. She has a daughter, she'd understand, right?"

I nearly jumped when Klaus shifted in his sleep, I hoped with all my might he didn't hear what I just said. I sat on the edge of the tub and let my head roll back. How the fuck did we let that happen? We always wear a condom!

Well, technically a condom has 98% of effectiveness, according to the box, which I was reading as I thought about it. That means... 2 out of 100 women will get pregnant. With the amount of sex we have, it wouldn't be surprising that I could become part of this 2%. Damn it, Klaus! Why do you have to be so charming? Blame it on three decades of suppressed desire I guess.

I had to talk to someone, someone who wouldn't judge me, someone I could trust. There was only one person I could think of, so I went back into the room and as silently as possible, I slid the black briefcase from under our bed. The date was already set, so all I had to do was open it.

I felt that familiar pull of time travel, that endless rope that dragged me across the universe, which seemed to take forever, even though it was less than a second. As soon as I landed, I regretted it, my stomach did not like the disturbance and I felt like I was about to throw up.

"Vicky? Are you ok?" I felt a gentle hand on my back and took a few deep breaths before being able to turn back.

"Honey! Thank fucking God you're here! I need to talk to you."

"Is it Klaus? It's Klaus. Oh my god, tell me he's alright"

"Alright, I think we should sit down for this one..."

Honey nodded with a smile and took my hand as we made our way to the couch. I chewed on my bottom lip for a little while, thinking of the best way to say it, but I didn't wanna admit it:

"So, I'm gonna say it and I need you to listen because it's very complex," I started. "I think I'm pregnant, and I feel horrible because I don't want to be. Not that I don't want any kids, I do, in the future. The problem is that we just came out of the second apocalypse, everything is a mess, my family is all over the place. I love Klaus more than anything, so I don't wanna throw this onto him, you know? He's been through so much already!"

"Sweetie..."

"And I'm terrified of not being a good mother, the only mother I ever had was a robot. I love her to bits, but what if all I can give my child is robot-love? I don't even know what it feels like, my birth mom clearly didn't love me, she chose to give me away for money, I understand she wasn't expecting to get pregnant out of the blue, but... I don't understand why she couldn't love me. I feel so selfish and so stupid for letting this happen, and I keep thinking about my biological mom, I'm freaking out here," I started sobbing. "You're the only person I can talk to."

**

Honey began to live for the sound of her “kids” popping by the apartment. She brought the books home with her more often in case Klaus would come by to learn more about himself. Or Luther who really just wanted the tiny woman to hold him the way a robot never could. And Diego who well, was always hitting on her. Allison and Vicky and Vanya helped her feel not so alone.

Yeah, they were her children. They were mostly older than Honey. The discarded. The outcast. Who suffered abuse. They were the bought and sold to a billionaire. They were a magical pregnancy and 43 terrified women, one she would become 15 years from now. Thank God she already knew what one of those felt like.

Honey was checking on Sugar and Sunny as they napped. The large crow with his beak buried in his ebony feathers kept one large yellow eye on them from above. Sunny was enamored with the corvid. Klaus, despite being 35 years older than himself, was deeply jealous.

It was from their room, after hearing a familiar VOIP sound in the living room, that Honey just felt in her body something was wrong. There was an anxiety emanating from Vicky whose back was to her.

“Vicky? Are you ok?” Honey gently touched the woman. She wanted to hug her, but opted for minor affection.

Vicky's expression in response worried Honey. “Is it Klaus? It's Klaus. Oh my god, tell me he's alright.” Her lip started to tremble. For a clone of Leon, Klaus was infused with his mother.

Half an hour later, Honey could only stare slack-jawed over Vicky's guts being spilled all over the couch. So to speak.

Honey took Vicky’s hand and did what her mom would do. What she and Julia found themselves doing with their children. Whether they were full grown men or toddlers. Honey kissed Vicky's hand several times and held it over her heart.

“First of all, I can't speak for your birth mother or the others. I know Klaus told me it was a spontaneous pregnancy. Like BAM! We're suddenly giving birth. For me, even being 45,” Honey shivered dramatically, “I would rather kill Reginald and take you all. But whatever the other women did. That's on them.

“But! If anyone knows about an unexpected pregnancy, it's me. She's asleep in the other room with her brother. I think I realized I was knocked up, I just ignored it until Leon mentioned something about my body being new. We NEVER used protection. Pills in the sixties were for married women only. The fact that we had sex for over a year before anything happened is a freaking miracle.

I took two tests in the flat. Then at the clinic. Just a few weeks before, abortion became legal AND funded by the NHS. I told no one, went and made that woman tell me every single step of the process. I asked how easy the adoption process in the UK is. I wasn't keeping it no matter what.”

Now Honey took both of Vicky’s hands, “You have so many readily available options.” She kissed them both again, “But please just let Klaus know. It's YOUR choice. YOURS. Ultimately, I changed my mind. I had her on my own. Pregnancy, birth, her first six months. I wasn't even on the same continent as Leon. But if my baby would have half his looks, and his way of loving, and even an OUNCE of his heart, Leon deserved to be a dad. I WANTED to have his baby. I don't regret my decision. I don't want to regret yours either. We all love you.”

Honey kissed Vicky's forehead, “I mean I'm your mom now.”

**

I would've started crying if I wasn't already, it felt so good to finally have someone to hold my hand. I can only imagine dad's reaction if I told him I was pregnant with Klaus' baby... It was awesome to not be judged for once.

"I wanna tell him, I'm just scared... If I really am pregnant, I wanna keep it, but what if he doesn't like it? What if he doesn't wanna be a dad?"

My desperate rambling was interrupted by a blue surge of energy right in the middle of the room, that could only mean one thing... Klaus and Five fell from it with a loud thud.

I had to cover my mouth not to scream, my heart nearly jumped out of my chest, but Honey seemed pleased with the new visitors.

"Jesus Vicky... I woke up and you were gone, I was worried!" Klaus squeezed me in a tight hug.

"I told you she was fine, Victoria can handle herself," Five rolled his eyes. "It's not like she can get hurt."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to disappear."

Klaus moved to give Honey a hug as well, she kissed his forehead and urged him to sit down between us.

"I know this face, Scnucki..." Klaus placed his hand on my cheek. "What's wrong?"

I looked over at Honey and she gave me a reassuring nod. With a sigh, I took Klaus' hand, tracing the 'hello' with the tip of my finger.

"Klausie," I tried to muster the courage to say it. "I know the timing might not be the best, things are a little crazy right now, but I think I might be..."

"Might be...?" He stared at me nervously.

"Pregnant."

Klaus' mouth dropped and he widened his eyes. Shit! Shit! He hates it, he wasn't happy. He was gonna leave me right there and then.

"But we always..."

"I know, but apparently condoms are only 98% effective."

"You two really abuse your luck," Five mused.

"Timing isn't great, but if you want to keep it, I'm with you. It's our baby," a smile tugged at Klaus' lips. "And I love you, so..."

"Actually," I got up as fast as I could. "I love you too, but I'm not pregnant. If you guys will excuse me, I gotta go to the toilet, like right now!"

**

Honey watched as Vicky ran off to the bathroom. She was left with a bewildered Klaus, slack jawed over everything that quickly took place. She could only snort as Leon popped up from the same corner Vicky had just flown around. Mouth agape identical to his clone.

“Alright love,” Leon kissed her on the cheek. “Never told me the kids were coming ‘round for a visit.” He eyed up Five, still uncertain of him.

Klaus dramatically planted a fist on his hip, “Im thirty-six.”

“Too right. What's going on? Is Vicky ok she looked barmy.”

“Well we were almost grandparents.”

“GRANDPARENTS?! I'm thirty! Bloody hell I can't keep track of the ten we have now. Can't handle a baby, mate. Not coming from you. No offense.”

“All of it taken,” Klaus quipped.

“Well we don't need to worry about it. Pretty sure Vicky just overwhelmingly got her period. Better luck next time!”

Every single person in the room nearly knocked Honey flat with a loud in unison “NEXT TIME?”

She wouldn't make that mistake again.

19-08-2021

 “I think I’ve never had more chaotic year than this one,” I confessed one evening when we drove in a car somewhere. My SO gave me a warm look and I checked to the back seat where my Charlie-baby was sleeping. If somone would have told me year and a half ago that 2021 will be a true turnaround in my life, when I will throw away all the life chains and take full control, I would have rolled mye eyes and gotten back to my endless vicious circle of career. I think ever since 17-years old I have followed the norms the society has set up: graduate high school, sprint through university, meanwhile make sure you work so you won’t get drowned in depts, get a job for your field of interest, in the meantime take some loan for some random house and if you have a moment, please, make some babies. Ever since I was a child, I knew right away: that’s not me. I don’t know what it is that makes me want to break these frames. But, oh well, there is no point to raise my voice for my own good as all the other people around me are nicely stable in the system. Some of my exes are on the same line: if you are not a parent by age 31 and do not own a gorgeous house in the suburbs while paying a sickly huge loan, meanwhile ignoring your family, friends and hobbies to make ends meet just so you could work yourself to deah by age 40, then you are a loser.

Few weeks ago in Saaremaa, while tipping my toes and feet into the warm and comforting waters of Estonian sea, I realized where I have drifted with my life. Only now I have started to realized that, f**k me sideways, I am actually a living human being. A LIVING person. I LIVE.

About 2 months ago, near summer solstice, I finally felt the finalizing ticking in my brain that pushed me gently to the edge of unknown. “Will you?” the life asked and motioned me to jump. “Or will you stay here forever, wondering what’s down there?” And so, with shivering hands, I clicked ‘send’ button on the mail that delivered my resignation letter to my boss. Done. Over half a year full of mental terror and a slow suicide will come to an end. At this point I had insane regrets. How am I supposed to throw away an opportunity and 6-year long career just because I do not want to live anymore? Now you’re probably thinking I am being a drama queen and overexaggerating. Oh, dear god, no. There were days, where everything started to tumble down in one go: my love life, my family relations, friends and work relations. On these days I switched myself and my phone off, listened to some serious melancholic tunes, sat alone for hours or drove around with a car and now, admitting for the first time: I hoped that something will happen and I do not need to live here anymore. I admitted this once also in my therapy, that I have frozen up while driving, not really giving a damn about my leg on gas pedal and about the speed.

I am once again a fat, useless, lazy, clumsy, slow and unorganized. Blessed with sore black eyes, a girl with unstable nervs and flaked nails. And all this just to give myself to a work which does not appreciate any sacrifices I make.

And I did it. This is MY life. My path and my decision, I ain’t going anywhere and even if I do, I’ll go with a smile on my face and as a queen for a day.

Few days ago I realized with full heart that this was one of the most important decisions in my life. I went for a run, as I have started to pick it up again. I went and set a goal to run approx 20 minutes. I had time. No rush. Only responsibility waiting for me was one project to improve a home page of our fresh company, but there was no strict deadline nor a passive aggressive boss-lady stalking my every move and making sure I am around even off-hours. So, my 20 minute run became to a 1 hour run, which was successful, nicely progressive and easy. I enjoyed every minute, because I was present. I had nowhere to hurry. I did not worry about the future or the past. I was just excisted. And I breathed.

I think I have cried more this year than in total for all past years. In my 9 to 5 appartment cubical lifestyle I always pushed away everything that demanded at least some movement out of comfort zone. For exaxmple I always closed in when my ex partner had an idea to do some changes. Well, true, his changes did not comply with my dreams. I did not want to get a huge loan to buy a house and sprint out 2 babies just because ,,Martin and Marge had their second kid in their gorgeous house and Martin is only 1 year older than me.” OK, is nice for them I guess? Every time these silly arguments started to come up, I switched myself off into my safety bubble, all alone. I let no emotions, chaotic situatons to influence myself and I just slowly flew on my laid down path, with eyepatches on. I always knew I want something different. I wanted to fight and be heard. Every time there was a conflict at work, with a friend or family member or with a partner, I eliminated it in the early stages and just ignored the rest.

And when these eyepatches were finally removed, everything else followed. I had no pink glasses or filters for emotons. Real life was there for me, but not always in a bad way. Real life offered everything, you only had to have guts to reach out and take it, with all its plusses and minuses. Take it, dominate, take responsibility, but don’t just float by. Get yourself togeter, notice, do, learn and experience. If not now then... when?

This half of a year has thrown so many obstacles and opportunities on my way and I have caught most of them. I guess one of the most difficult period was spending some insane time at a house in the middle of nowhere, without any water or normal comforts. This has made me appreciate small benefts of our everyday life.

I think I have mentioned this earlier as well, that February and March were probaby the hardest months this year. I was given a challenge to overcome and boy, it was tough. Namely, I got pregnant. As a woman who has never wanted to become a mom due to several and long reasons which I will not discuss today, I was in a cocmplete shock. I felt happy, scared, angry. Why now? Universe has its twisted sense of humour and it turned out that the pregnancy is not carriable for medical reasons and abortion is a must. I did not have a single day to stay home and mourn and endure grief. Oh, no, they needed me back to work ASAP. So I ignored the pain of loss and carried on with even more enormous work tempo to keep up. This period started a chain reaction which pulled me cruelsomely to the edge of the cliff. Work does not sleep, it waits impatiently. Even on these two horrible days I had to go through with the process, I did some work since I had become irreplacable.

All the emotions sealed up just blasted out as soon as some smaller bebble hit my bicycle. I cried hysterically, screamed. There were no days where my eyes weren’t bloodshot and with dark underlines.

In some sort of a sick twisted way I felt good, since I was needed, everything depends on me and I am sure it will get paid off nicely in the end when I have worked until my nose bleeds. In this tunnel vision I did not realize that skipped recovery and unresolved grief had made me this maniacal, delusional self-centered zombie, who lived for her workdays. All my free time I spent worrying about next work day. I did not notice anymore how my mom is doing, how are my friends and what is my partner up to. Every time we went off to one of our van trips I just existed somewhere in my thoughts about how much there is still to do. And it’s even more sadder, that I did not even notice myself anymore in the free world.

“Yea, but how would you go on?” was the main question I was asked when with a shaky voice I admitted that I need to quit my job right now and don’t want to take such responsibilities for a while now, only for myself. Everyone can do it. If there is a will, there is a way.

I am happy that I have at least won almost the entire battle with eating disorder, although I have to admint I am not proud over the inner criticizm about my body, which has grown 8 kg heavier since last summer. This means I still have days I hide under baggy clothes and just wait until these dark thoughts pass. There are days where I absolutely veto going to the beach because ‘it’s cold’. Actually I am reminding myself of that year where I had a killer six-pack, hip bones and tiny bikinies fit me so well, but now I look more like a curvy, slightly soft female not nearly showing signs of being physically active. Although, I am now in that golden zone where my weight is not going up nor down almost at all, no matter how much or little or what kind of foods I eat (plant based always of course). I guess it is positive, my body has found it’s perfect zone, but I--- don’t really like it. This mentality here is something now that I have to work with, with all my spare and peaceful time.

Since 25 July I am (f)unemloyed. And happy. I have made sure that I will be secured, will not be homeless and have food and I have a first step of a plan prepared. Priority for now is to help myself out of this destructive black hole that influences not only me but other close ones as well.

I don’t have black shadows under my eyes anymore. I sleep deep, without any random wake ups, I finally have time and motivation to cook, bake and test out recipes that have been collecting dust since forever. From day to day I get back to introduce myself to my long lost hobbies like kite surf, reading, writing, drawing and yoga.

I have finally startrd to realize that next to me there are people that I love unconditionally and to whom I have shown insanely rude attitude. Have you ever felt that re-falling in love again? I am currently feeling it with tripple multiplications, because I have once again fallen in so much love with my dog, my boyfriend and my hero on this topsy-turvy road, my family, friends and life itself.

I will not even take a glance anymore to that 100 promises I made earlier this year. Life is just so much different with completely new challenges. If anything, then I can mark this time period here as my new and fresh chapter for my life.

I am beyond disgusted with what this country has became. First of all, Facebook and Twitter are the most communist organizations I have ever seen. Americans seem to enjoy it anymore, the communism. In regards to masks I often hear “well China wears them so we can” why the hell do you want to be anything like a communist country? Could you imagine leaving your communist country to get away from shit like that, then ending up stuck somewhere on the east or west coast here with strict mask mandates and you go out of business over communist like lockdowns? 

For those of you still functioning in denial that censorship is acceptable as long as its censoring what you specifically want, Poland is suing them over the censorship. Hmmm, a country that was censored and attacked by the Germans, is saying that it is wrong? Weird!

I never thought I would see something that resembles so much of the early Holocaust (keyword there is EARLY for those who are confused about the Holocaust and think it was only about killing Jewish people when it took years to get to that point, years of censorship and book burning Hitler did not start his first day off committing genocide, all it took was telling everyone the Jews were “sick” though) in my lifetime. 

So, while other countries are having MASS protests against lockdowns and masks, basically every country in Europe not really Scandanavia because masks are not “mandated” only required, Americans are over here fighting a non existent race war. Literally white people fighting white people for the most part. If you want to give and land back as “respirations” by the way, news flash, this IS ALL NATIVE AMERICAN LAND!!! I guess Natives just do not whine enough, nor do they have a giant mob of white people with them burning down black owned businesses in their protests, you do not even hear about them because they actually protest peacefully. Or maybe people just do not give a shit because only 1% of the population is even over 5% Native American that is including every relative in my family since half of my family is full Native American. I am talking actually registered with a tribe, not claiming to be 1/64th Cherokee. So if you want to go there with the “African Americans are shot more based on their population” actually no, Natives are. If 1 Native American is shot a year by police (which there is always more than that they are so unimportant they are lumped into an “other” category) I live in a state where nothing but white people were shot 2 years in a row by police. My little brother got in a car wreck, has a pulse for 40 minutes, was only 15 miles away from the hospital and the police never took him to the hospital they just waited for his pulse to stop then threw his warm body in a body bag. How is that any better than what they did to Floyd, no they did not shoot either one of them but both lives could have been saved. 

This morning I saw a man murdered his own mother and father, and a cop trying to save them, where is the outrage over things like that? Where is the outrage about the little girl playing in her yard who was shot by a black man simply since she was white? Where is the outrage for the woman who was shot point black in the head for saying “all lives matter” they did not even attempt to catch her killer. There has not been 1 update on that since summer 2020. Where is the outrage over the multiple black people, including a child, who were killed in the “no cop” zone in Seattle last summer? Why are they pursuing the capitol rioters as if they are serial killers, for taking selfies in the capitol while Minneapolis and Portland (I live in Oregon by the way I have seen Portland first hand) look like a third world country? Why does the cop who shot a capitol rioter, not even have to face trial? Seems to me people are 100% ok with murder, as long as it fits their race/political agenda. They base whether or not they are ok with murder on race and/or political affiliation. 

Back to Scandinavia real quick, who has way better healthcare and a much longer life expectancy than USA by the way, they are recommending pregnant or breastfeeding women wait to take the experimental elixir still in trials until 2023. USA is over here shoving it down pregnant womens throat just like they do every jab. Its ridiculous. NOT every scientist agrees with this, just your little handful of pre selected elite the news shows does. Even Australia is making fun of us and they are quite the shitshow of their own. When other countrys’ news stations are being more honest than our own we really are not doing well as a nation.

Now back to the mask bullshit... how do you people function ignoring the fact that OVER 10 STATES HAD NO MASK MANDATES AND EVERYTHING WAS OPEN ALL YEAR! Are you that reliant on mainstream media you can not simply google, the statistics and mandates of other states? And see that states with no mask laws that have been fully open have no higher number, all the states that are constantly having the highest infected population and deaths are mask mandated democratic ran states. Dear lord... its like the huge majority of people who live in Democrat ran states start their day with CNN and NBC, and refuse to believe anything unless it comes out of Faucis mouth. Also very sick of hearing “where is your degree” when Bill fucking Gates has absolutely no medical training at all and is the “worlds best doctor” according to google. Its nauseating how delusional people are.

I am actually OSHA certified too I worked in a construction office for several years. According to OSHAs own handbook, anything smaller than 50 microns in size you need a fitted respirator for. Otherwise its useless. Men had to shave their beards for jobs where a “mask” was required with particles smaller than 50 microns to ensure it fit

For the record I don’t give a shit if you want to wear a muzzle, outside, in your car, whatever, put it on your small child (that one really gets me they even have to wear them outside for sports in Oregon) or inject yourself and your child with a jab still in trials until 2023, until you start demanding I do too. If your mask and jab work, don't worry about other people! You must not have very much faith in them. The same people who scream “my body my choice” about abortions are the same people demanding I wear a mask and take jabs not even approved. Even if it was approved, every single recall there is thousands, was once “safe and approved” by the FDA. People have way too much faith in these for profit organizations. 

The Day I Lost My Baby...

I was raised in an Irish family, my great-grandmother was full blooded Irish. My grandmother was 100% British. We were raised Catholic. I was born and raised in a Philadelphia suburb. My mother was born and raised in the South. 

I joined the Navy in 1991; I wanted a chance to become a nurse, to travel and see the world...and...to get away.  My first 2 years in the Navy were spent in Bethesda, what was then was the National Naval Medical Center, but is now Walter Reed.  In 1993, I became pregnant.  I was elated and in love with the life I was carrying inside me.  Sadly, I was being pressured to terminate the pregnancy; by my mother, my boyfriend at the time, and my grandmother.  I spent each day flipping through pages of the different stages of fetal development wondering what the little life inside me looked like that week.  As each week progressed, my baby was growing and changing, but my decision to end my pregnancy was not changing...I did not want to end my pregnancy, but I did.  

It has been 30 years since my abortion.  I remember the cold room, being alone, the coldness of the doctor and the nurse...the coldness of the table.  I was wide awake for the procedure; I had a cervical block.  I didn’t want to be asleep for this horrible choice I was making; I deserved to be awake and feel everything.  I guess this was my penitence.  Interesting how we abuse ourselves.  I felt my uterus contract and the pain that came each time...not unlike the pain my baby must have felt.  I was 13 weeks.  My baby had vocal cords, intestines, a bladder,  tiny bones, hair follicles and could even swallow. My baby...had a heart...something I clearly didn’t have.  After my abortion I had a setback; the doctor did an incomplete abortion.  I had horrible abdominal pain and went to the bathroom.  What I saw next was so horrifying I can still see it like it was yesterday.  The toilet filled with blood...and the partial remains of my baby...floating in the water.  I was so overcome with horror, fear, disbelief and angst.  I was rushed to the emergency room and admitted for observation. The doctor called my baby’s remains, “tissue”.  Tissue.  That’s what my baby was now.  Tissue.  I asked him point blank if that tissue was the remainder of my baby...he said, “yes”.  I laid on the gurney crying.  I was experiencing the loss of my baby one more time.  I was experiencing the consequences of my decision.  Maybe it was karma.  

I vowed, as I laid on the cold, hard hospital bed, to never, ever have children.  At least I was blessed to experience the joys and pains of the first trimester.  The cravings, the nausea, the loss of appetite, and the fatigue.  I was blessed to know what it felt like to plan for my baby’s entry into the world; I window shopped at Carter’s for baby clothes, I window shopped for strollers, I daydreamed about my baby’s first day of kindergarten, I planned names, I read books about breast feeding.  I began to plan for daycare.  But...it never happened.  My mother, my grandmother, my boyfriend pressured me daily, berated me for being unmarried, guilted me for wanting my baby, admonished me for potentially “ruining” his life, shamed me for my selfish choice to have a child.  I cried every single moment of the day for weeks.  13 weeks.  30 years later...and I still cry.  

I made a vow to myself when I arose from that table. I would never allow myself to become pregnant again. I...didn’t...deserve...children.  I am almost 50.  I am post-menopausal and have no children.  I kept my promise to myself; and yes...it is painful...it is a darkness that surrounds me and consumes me.  Every May I remind myself that my child would be a year older.  I mourn in private.  In silence.  I love babies and children.  I can’t hold them for too long.  I can’t be around them too long.  It reminds me of what I once had or could have had.  It reminds me of the crime I committed.  Because for the last 30 years I have chosen to live in my past.  The fact that I murdered a life.  This is my penitence.  I deserve this.  No amount of therapy has cured me. No amount of medication has made me whole.  No words can relieve the torture I have bestowed upon myself.  

If you are pregnant...right now, and trying to decide what choice to make...remember this; it is your body, your life, your child’s life.  Live your life for you. Not for others.  Make your own choices...even if that means losing a family member, boyfriend or husband for making a choice.  

Do not make the choices I made.  

1068

What internet browser do you use?  Chrome. It’s what I’m used to, but I also think it looks the cleanest among the other available browsers.

What brand water do you drink? (Smart Water, Dasani, etc) I never reach for imported water brands like Evian because what is the point?? The local bottled water brands we have like Summit and Absolute work fine and already do a great job of quenching my thirst.

Do you have a job? Yes and I go back tomorrow and I’m cringing thinking about it. I love my job, but I wish it wasn’t so mercilessly hectic for 9 straight hours, 5 days a week. I like to think that I was hired right at the start of all the simultaneous Christmas campaigns of our clients which is why everything seemed busy; so I’m hoping the workload will start to die down a little bit now that all the holidays are over.

Are you full-time or part-time? Full-time.

Are you watching TV right now?  Nope. I was watching on YouTube earlier, but I decided to focus on this.

Or are you listening to music? No. It’s silent here in the living room, just the way I want it to currently be.

Would you go to jail for 3 years for $1,000,000? I don’t think that’s enough money for a dare that big.

When's your birthday?  April 21st.

Thoughts on kids?  I’m a lot less idealistic about them now. I used to want kids with my only formula being “I’ll do the exact opposite of what my mom did with me.” but I realized it’s so much more complicated than that. Raising a kid/kids is a whole damn job in itself and I see that with how my cousins of the same age, but from different families, have been acting. My cousins from one family are really spoiled and entitled, and I can’t last in a room with them for more than a minute; but my cousins in another family are so ridiculously well-behaved I can’t even start to fathom how respectful and kind they are. That observation has scared me away from kids in the meantime, because I still have to figure out how to not fuck such a responsibility up.

Worst punishment you've ever received by your parents?  The worst thing they ever did was take away my laptop privileges for an indefinite period when I was 11, when they caught me being a dumbass on social media and cursing all over the place. It’s a reasonable punishment per se, but that was also a time when the internet was starting to become a resource and requirement for homework and school projects; so my parents didn’t know how many things I failed to submit because they didn’t allow me on the internet.

Are you the type who is completely against abortion? I am pro-choice and pro-pregnant people should be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies. I don’t like the idea of abortion, but I’ve always believed people should have access to resources to learn more about it, to a healthy culture that embraces it as an option, and to actual facilities that will enable them to receive one if the need be.

Have you ever read a book that actually changed your outlook on life? No, I don’t think so. Not yet at least.

Does your favorite flower hold any meaning to you? Peonies don’t mean anything in particular. I just think they look pretty.

What would you do if your favorite animal became endangered?  I can’t imagine dogs ever getting endangered, but hypothetically I’d be crushed. I’d do the same thing I would do with other endangered animals, which is to spread the word about their situation and what can be done to save them from getting even fewer in number.

Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette?  No. I never cared for makeup. I’m turning 23 and still don’t feel the need to invest in it...should I be worried?

Do you own a tripod for your camera? We used to, but I have not seen it in a long time.

Are your nails always painted?  They never are.

What's one thing you've had a toxic reaction to? A breakup. < This was true for me too, at least for a time. Another one would be the barbecue that my uncle bought for a family gathering once that was definitely contaminated with something...shit gave me food poisoning at 3 AM and made me think my half-naked self was going to die right then and there in the bathroom.

Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for?  We only ever decorate for Christmas, so I guess it wins by default.

Were you popular in school? By the second half of high school I was hanging out with the popular groups and getting invited to popular kid things, but I never wanted to claim to be popular myself. I still liked letting my friends take the spotlight.

Are there any foods that often give you heartburn or indigestion?  Is there something you intend to buy in the near future?  Is anyone in your family artistically talented? What about musically? What cute behaviors or characteristics does/do your pet(s) have?  What's the screensaver on your computer?  Crossing these out as I believe this survey is a shuffle of questions from many different surveys...? and I have already answered these five in a past survey I recently finished.

What’s the sexiest thing about a guy? I don’t really care for guys, I think... I still haven’t made up my mind about them yet, but all I know is I definitely have not felt seriously attracted to any irl man my whole life.

What’s the sexiest thing about a girl?  THIGHS

Who were you with at midnight on January 1, 2021?  Who was the last person to send you a message on social media?  ^ What qualities does this person have, that you appreciate? What was the last thing that caused you to scowl, or frown?  Have you smiled at any point during the last hour?  What was the last thing you consulted Google for? So, did anyone send you a "Happy New Year" message when midnight hit? When was the last time you were on a carousel?  What is the closest you have ever been to an elephant? Have you ever played Halo?  Have you ever read a National Geographic magazine?  When was the last time you had a pillow fight?  Name somebody who you think deserves more respect: In your own words, define what the word sexy means.  What is the most popular tourist attraction where you live?  Without looking - do you know what brand your underwear is? Are you any good at volleyball?  Have you ever had a water balloon fight?  Same situation as above. What an interesting order of questions, hehe. Still having fun with this though!

Do you think some babies are ugly?  Newborns are super wrinkly and make the strangest facial expressions from time to time. That won’t stop me from cooing at them, though.

Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? I’ve never been there. Is it like a standard birthday party events place for kids?

Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC? In time, maybe. 

Do you love stuff-crusted pizza?  Yessssss.

Do you apply lotion after you bathe? I don’t, but I should probably pick it up as a habit seeing how dry my skin can get.

What’s your favorite color? Pastel pink. < Same!

Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Gabie.

Has a YouTube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? I’ve never even posted a video on YouTube.

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? Not my spot of choice, so maybe not.

Do you like Robert Frost poems?  I’m only familiar with one and I’m having a little trouble remembering it rn haha.

Do you go to church every Sunday?  We used to go to church, yeah; back when it was okay to. Our local church has allowed face-to-face masses again (but with very limited attendees) but my mom has preferred for us to stay home, so for the last few months we’ve been watching livestreams of Sunday mass every week.

Have you ever been in a relationship on-and-off for more than a year?  I would say Gab and I were on-and-off, but it went on a lot longer than a year. The total time would amount to six years.

If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. Or modeling, if I could only pull it off.

What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? I seriously don’t care. I skip out on bras all the time because I honestly personally don’t need them, and everyone should be allowed to feel and act the same way.

What is the last thing you tried on in a store? I never do this. Even before Covid, I’ve felt iffy about trying clothes that many others have already put on and were probably not washed 100% well. I’d rather get something, try it on at home, decide if it’s a good fit or not, and then return it ASAP if it ends up being the latter.

Is sleeping naked more comfortable than in clothes?  My mom doesn’t knock so I’ve always been scared to try sleeping naked (and she also throws a fit if she catches me locking my door, which is like - then why did you even buy a doorknob with a lock??), but I definitely see the appeal.

Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone?  Yes for the more part lmao, but I don’t know if I’ve ever made out in a dream.

Do you feel as though you have a good memory, or are you forgetful at times? Do you feel that your short-term memory or long-term memory is better? Have you ever had a concussion or some other sort of brain injury before?  Do you have any sort of mental illnesses or disorders? What do they involve?  What’s the longest that your hair has ever been? How about the shortest? When is the last time that you got it cut? What are some ways that you style your hair? Do you use any sorts of products in it?  Who was the last person to truly get on your nerves? What do you think caused you to feel that way? 

Do you recycle? Is this through choice or do you live somewhere where it’s compulsory? Through choice. Waste management is sadly not much of a priority here, if at all.

Do you prefer plain, carbonated, or flavored water? Do you think you drink enough water throughout the day?  I have never tried the latter two. Water has always been tasteless and plain to me, and I never understood the point of customizing something that’s meant to be tasteless and uncarbonated. There are days where I’m able to have several glasses and other days where I unconsciously skip out on water until dinner.

Have you ever needed to call the police, ambulance, or fire department? Fortunately I’ve never had to call any of these.

When was the last time you visited the library? What was the purpose of your visit? I wasssssss maybe having something printed? If it wasn’t that, I was probably returning a book.

Do you see a lot of wild animals where you live? Are any of them dangerous? None of that here, especially since I live in the city. A sighting of a wild animal outside of a zoo or eco-park would definitely make national news, like that time an ostrich was seen running around a private village many months ago.

Aside from when you were born, have you ever had to stay the night in the hospital? Yep, from a dengue scare that turned out to be just a simple low platelet count.

Have you ever experienced a panic attack?  Yes, but they are extremely rare. The last time I had one was maybe two or three years ago. Unfortunately I think all my panic attacks were caused by and involved my mom.

Would you ever want to go into the medical profession? Was your answer different pre-COVID?  For a time, when I was hating journalism in college, I was daydreaming about the idea of shifting to biology and making the drastic swerve to med school. But I knew a love of memorizing and biology topics won’t be enough for me to be successful in the medical field, so I quickly shot the idea down.

Where you live, are people paying attention to whatever restrictions are in place to help control COVID? Many? People are definitely following and have been obedient with protocol in different places. Some cities are also still strict with maintaining their checkpoints and banning tourists from entering their area just yet. It’s the government that hasn’t really been making the effort to put measures to contain the virus.

Do you get a real or artificial Christmas tree?  Artificial. I don’t know if getting real trees for Christmas trees is a thing here.

What’s your favourite type/flavor of popcorn?  Cheddar cheese.

Do you drink oat milk? Nopes. I’d like to try it just to say that I have (and I might end up loving it too), but I have yet to look up what foods or drinks it works best with.

Do you love thrifting?  Sure, sometimes I get good finds from it.

Do you consider using only lowercase letters your aesthetic?  Sometimes I’ll use it in a Powerpoint or a tweet, but I wouldn’t say it’s an aesthetic that defines me as a person.

Do you say “mood?”  Too much.

Do you own fairy lights?  No. I wanted those before, but I’m not so sure if I still do now.

Do you own glass straws because the metal ones kind of gross you out because you can’t tell if they are clean or not? I don’t own glass straws. Most places have changed their cups into a design that you can sip directly from, anyway.

Have you made a TikTok? No, don’t care.

Do you own airpods?  No, but would like a pair.

Are you afraid of Mercury in retrograde? I really don’t care.

Do you make life choices based on astrology?  No, I don’t believe in it. It scares me how much some people rely on it and use it as an actual moral compass or judgment system. It doesn’t harm anyone so I never actively speak out against astrology, but it scares me nonetheless.

How many pairs of converse shoes do you own?  One pair. I used to own another one, but my mom threw it out several years ago.

Number of jeans in your closet:  I would say like 10-12.

What accent do you have?  Philippine English/Americanized Filipino, I guess.

Do you have a big butt? I’d say it’s decently-sized.

Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? Yeah, before.

Have you graduated?  Both high school and college, yup.

Rihanna or Lady GaGa?  I like Rihanna’s music more, but I love Gaga’s outfits, concepts, and stage presence more. Do you use fake eyelashes?  No. I had to use them twice, but I’d never seek them out on my own.

Which was the last book that really captivated you? It’s been a while since I encountered a book like this.

What makeup brands do you use?  I don’t use makeup.

First Rant I Guess :/

Aight, so hi i guess, I’m Yumi, 18 almost 19 year old chick who has a bit to get off my chest. So, most of the things that are bothering me right now are the things me and my boyfriend don’t see eye to eye on. See he is more of a left leaning centrist and me im more conservitive, but not fucking a trump ass kisser like a lot of people are that have simmilar beliefs than me. 

I have no problem dating someone whos more liberal than me as we both generally think the same way when it comes to social issues: hating someone off of something that they can’t control (race, sexuality, gender, etc.) is fucking stupid. We both aren’t religious, as I like to base my true beliefs off of science and facts, like science has proved being gay is just something you’re born with, same thing with being born in the wrong sex’s body, and eugenics is fucking stupid, cause real science calls its bullshit. But like I also believe in the possibility of ghosts n shit, but again I don’t think it’s 100% real but, it’s like how people believe in aliens n shit. 

But because I put most of my beliefs into what science says, I am Pro-Life on every level. I want contraceptives to be more readily avalible, better sex-ed, more access to wellfare for struggling familes, teen parents, and single parents, and abortion to be restricted to only if the mother’s life is in danger and either one is gonna die anyways. I also don’t support the death penalty.

Growing up in a mostly liberal home, has it rough times, especially getting into arguments with my very democrat sister. But my boyfriend can be just as stubborn as her. 

We have arguments a lot about abortion. If I knew life didn’t start at conception, I wouldn’t give a shit, but because it does I hate the fact people get abortions, it makes me physically ill. But he thinks that life starts when you think or have a brain, but in most high school biology says that life starts when the sperm and the egg meets and creates a zygote. He says I base my opinions too much off emotion, even though he rather force me to get an abortion than step up and be a father at 20.

My dream is to get married and become a mother, I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. Now he doesn’t want to have sex with me as often because i’m not on birth control and I don’t believe in abortion. We use condoms, so its not like we rely on withdrawl, which we never did, but he’s like fucking paranoid about getting me pregnant. He thinks that if I get pregnant before he’s 25, the kid is gonna grow up in poverty, in a home that doesn’t love him and wish he was just aborted. No, that kid would know that his mother loved him and his father wish he died in the womb.

I truly love my boyfriend with all my heart, and I want to get married to him one day, but I know damn well, it’s my baby over him any day. If he didn’t get his shit together and stepped up, I don’t want his unstable ass near my kid. But he thinks I would be in the same mental space as him, but I wouldn’t. Ever since I became sexually active in my last year of high school, I had a plan that if I got pregnant before I’m moved out and married, I’ll get a job and grow a pair. All on my own. And it’s not like i’m oblivious to what struggles parent hood brings, my mom raised me by herself after my dad died. We did struggle but it was because of my mom’s desicions when it came to where and how she worked. I’d get a nothing job and start college online so I can give my child a better future than what I had.

But I wouldn’t even be thinking of having kids right now if he was moving along in our relationship. He’s 6 months older than me but acts like he’s younger. He kept saying that we’d move in together, we never did. Now he doesn’t even have a set plan when he wants to get married, at least I know when he wants to have kids. I feel like we’ve been frozen in place and we aren’t moving forwards or backwards. I want to have a future with this guy but i don’t know how to make i happen if he keeps playing chicken with our relationship.

I try to talk to him about it, but he’ll just say he doesn’t remember agreeing to move in with me, or we’re just teenagers we can’t get married. we’re too young, blah blah blah.

He goes by whatever his narc of mother tells him about relationships (even though she’s been in three failed marriages and lied about how bad of men they were/are), his sister that sometimes is too up high on her high horse until she does what she said not to do, and his brother that says he cares about his but tortured him as a child and now finacially fucking him as an adult. I don’t think anything besides the whole being a parent thing is his own choice and not just things his family told him what is right or wrong.

Lindsay Denton: Headcanons, Questions, and Musings

Headcanons:

Lindsay played Brick by Ben Folds Five for the week she took off after her abortion.

Dryden’s been messing around behind Lindsay’s back for ages. He’s emotionally abusive and gas lights her until she becomes what we see in Line of Duty. Also explains his wife’s alcoholism, he’s been doing the same to her.

DenDen started slowly. A few after work drinks, late nights in the office, out of town conferences. Pushing a little further each time until Lindsay barely even registers the line they’ve crossed. Dryden has always made their meetings more clandestine than needed, pretending his wife is super insecure about them (I mean, she probably is), but he’s orchestrated it so things are slightly less appropriate each time (THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED).

She’s Autistic, has Aspergers- she’s so black and white and struggles to get on with others. Dogged and obsessive. Her own sense of moral justice and an inability to let the people who have wronged her go. Her professional, but let’s face it, underwhelming appearance. Loves rules and knows them back to front.

At some point, Lindsay and Dryden were genuinely in love (I NEED this, okay?)

Dryden talked Lindsay into having the abortion even though it was the last thing that she wanted. He said they couldn’t start a family at the time. But if she got the abortion he would finally leave his wife. Afterwards he abandoned her and then she had no proof the baby was his.

Lindsay actually got details about the ambush, she’s hidden them somewhere and will be revealed at some point.

She didn’t die. Don’t ask me how. I don’t know how but it didn’t happen.

Alternatively: Steve at the very least went to her funeral. Really, so did Hastings and Kate. Hastings had to admit that in the end she gave her life for a just cause that was in the pursuit of truth. Kate wants to support Steve, and maybe she feels a little bit bad about how Lindsay seemed to cop all the flack for the ambush where everyone else got off squeaky clean.

Gene Hunt’s constantly flustered by his new DI. Wishes she was a bit more flirty but appreciates her appearance.

Questions:

Why didn’t she just blackmail Dryden? Yes, I’m sure they were discreet, but we know from canon that she’s sneaky. Wouldn’t have taken much surely, his wife must have a clue. His aftershave, his DNA, him leaving some case notes at her place. Surely there was something that she could use against him.

Why didn’t she have the baby and then blackmail him/get him for child support? Once the baby came along she could get a DNA test and he would no longer be able to deny it was his. We know Lindsay’s able to plan out something for the long term.

Was the affair actually five years? Dryden admits he “shagged her a couple of times” (clearly a real gentleman) but didn’t admit to an affair per se. We’re going on Denton’s word and some hotel clerk. As much as I love Lindsay, she knows how to manipulate people and situations.

Why did she care that much about being a police officer??? Clearly nobody in her office liked her. Did she really make that much of a difference? Why couldn’t she just take the money? Especially at the end of season three. With 100 grand she could have lived her life safely and probably as happily as she ever could.

The necklace that Carly commented on in the bathroom was the same one Lindsay was wearing in 3.04 Move On. I have no idea what this means, if somebody has any theories, please let me know. I mean, we know Lindsay’s all about practicality. I assume her things were sold when she was in jail and she wasn’t wearing it when she was arrested the final time. She did say her mum brought it for her, but surely there were nicer things she would have preferred to keep? Maybe she bought a replica to feel closer to her mum.

Theories/Musings:

Lindsay got Bella after her and Dryden split up. She’s accepted she’s going to be some poor, old, spinster who listens to Adele and really just wants something to love - and to lover her : ( She wanted a dog because she knows they’re generally more affectionate but after the downsize, she didn’t have space for one.

Lindsay got Bella off her Mum (@lindsayelizabethdenton, I’m stealing this from you) after graduating the academy and has had her ever since

Dryden got Bella for Lindsay after he made her get the abortion, as some sort of misguided replacement (I really don’t like Dryden, okay?)

Dryden got Bella for Lindsay as a promise of their relationship meaning something without really having to do anything.

Lindsay got the abortion at 13 weeks. That probably means she had the 12 week scan. She probably went alone (she really wanted to tell her mum).

She told her mum she was pregnant once she got to the 12 week mark and then had to tell her she miscarried after the abortion. They’re both crushed and Lindsay fears her mum decline is in some way associated with the news.

Her mum has met Dryden a few times. Lindsay seems happy with him but Elizabeth has a few questions that never seem to get answered. But if Lindsay’s happy that’s all that matters.

At some point, the office found out about Lindsay and Dryden, as always, he’s quick with the PR and paints her as willing to do anything for a promotion. She’s a good officer and he had promoted her. It turns the station against her and shortly after it’s revealed, Dryden gets himself a transfer, leaving Lindsay to cop all the abuse. The office (it’s full of men) make smutty comments at her and her Sarge makes a pass. None of the women like her either because they think she’s a homewrecker.

Lindsay’s an alcoholic, maybe this one should be a headcanon, like every scene we see of her, she’s drinking.

Lindsay was having it off with other people behind Dryden’s back. That’s why he refused to accept the baby was his.

Lindsay wanted to keep the baby even after Dryden refused to help. He threatened her job, made it clear that she would have no money, told her it would not be fair on the baby. In the end she agreed, she only wanted what was best for it but never forgave herself.

She had an affair (not sure if that’s the right word considering the inbalance of power) with some officer or higher up at the prison. That’s how she got the keyboard in her cell. Much like Dryden it started off as a friendship, slowly became more. Truth be told, she would have done just about anything to get a keyboard and it’s nice to have five minutes with someone saying “Bent Bitch”, “Stand away from the door” or “Answering only yes or no…”

 I’m sure I have more and will probably add to this. Open to debate on anything. 

:( man. The terf hate thing doesn't bother me most of the time but like. When u see a group of people who you like/ consider to be thoughtful people/ admire for their activism say these things.... Like I'm scared to talk about it but I'm sure (n this has happened many times before) that if u have a convo w anti terf peeps but make sure to use the correct™ genderist language they'll agree w us. Idk this just really sucks and I wish they could see things as they are. How do you deal with this?

Honey I really wish I had an answer. I 1000% know what you’re talking about. I wish I could say there was some magic way to not let it bother you, but I can’t. I CAN say though that it gets a lot easier. Like, I don’t bat an eye at people telling me to get raped or kill myself or whatever in my inbox anymore. I actually kinda find it amusing lol. And if it’s not on anon, I’ll just go report the person who sent it and then block them, because they’re not worth my time. But what gets me sometimes is the same thing you talked about. When it’s people I thought would be smart enough to, ya know, not defend literal grown ass men putting on tutus and calling themselves 5 year old girls named, like, Vixxen.

So I guess my advice to you is advice that I need to remind myself of too. Instead of letting it get us frustrated or angry, let’s just take it head on. Fuck it. Seriously, just say fuck it. When it’s someone like a celebrity or something, there’s no way we’re gonna be able to talk to them, let alone change their mind. So it’s not worth being upset about. Who cares what they believe? They probably haven’t paid their taxes in a decade, so who cares. If it’s someone you know, obviously it’s a lot more difficult. I’m very strategically only friends with people who don’t buy into all the trans bullshit, but A LOT of my cousins are very, uh...libfemmy. But I just talk about my opinion on things to them anyway. I use the liberal language a bit more because it does make people not immediately tune out, which helps a lot. It’s better to keep calm, and just talk. Not yell, but be clear you’re not gonna fall for the victim charade when they start quoting the “1 in 12” nonsense or whatever else the trans cult has came up with. And go in knowing you’re not gonna change their minds, and that that’s ok. Seriously, it’s totally and completely 100% ok if you don’t change anybody’s mind. Lord knows I’ve tried with several people and they’re still out there thinking dicks can be female lol

Most importantly, if you find yourself too jaded or too tired of all this shit, please just click right out of this hellsite. Seriously. This place is poison, it really is. It’s gonna be hard now with the whole worldwide quarantine and all...but real life activism is important. I guess I lied earlier lol, I do have somewhat of an answer for you on how I handle all this bullshit when I get down. I work with young pregnant women and girls as a volunteer. I’ve been in their shoes, and it really helps to have someone who knows what it’s like. By the time I found out about my own pregnancy as a result of rape as a teenager, it was too late to legally abort it. The family that i chose to adopt the baby got me a midwife, and that midwife and I became very close. Now, she introduces me to other pregnant young women and girls she meets through her own volunteer work, and I walk them through all their options: abortion, keeping it, open adoption, closed adoption, etc. and I give them my phone number and let them know they can call me whenever they need to talk. I go with them as a friend to get the abortion if they want, or to look through books of adoptive families and help them choose between the ones they like.

The reason I’m saying all this is because volunteering like that, being there for these girls in a way that no one was really there for me...it keeps me sane, honestly. Whenever I’m bummed about something stupid a TIM did or said, I remember that I’ve done more for women than he could ever even dream of. That I’ve left a positive impact out there, on the real, tangible, physical world. So, if you can, I highly recommend volunteering somewhere. I know it sounds cheesy as shit, but really. And idk how old you are, but if you’re in highschool, a lot of colleges like to see volunteer work on applications, so it could be good for your future, too! It doesn’t even have to be about feminism. Go volenteer to walk dogs at your local pet shelter, or help out at a homeless shelter. Another thing I do when my disability acts up really bad and I’m incapable of leaving my bed is I do free design work for local charities and feminist groups. So if you’re artistic, reach out to any small charity you like and ask if they need someone to design some posters, tee shirts, or images for their website!

Even in quarantine, shelter animals need to be taken care of, charities/non profits need websites maintained, women’s shelters need pads and tampons, homeless people need food....there’s still so much you can do. So yeah, that’s definitely my recommendation. Fuck these assholes, ok? Who gives a shit what they think. Who gives a fuck if some man thinks we’re bitches for refusing to call him a woman. Who cares. We’re better than that. You’re better than that. It’s really hard, I know, but I promise it does get easier to laugh at it all💕

Things that were, things that are, and things that may be...

I’ll warn you right now this post might get rather long, so I’ll be sure to put most of it under the line. And also warn that this post contains very personal talk about severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, abortion and suicide.

I’ve made various posts over time on this hellsite. I call it that cause...it really can be at times. But it’s also a place I can vent and put my thoughts out into the world, even if I know no one will notice or will really pay attention to it. This one though, this one is probably the most personal.

I’ll start off by explaining I’ve suffered from depression the majority of my life. I can’t possibly tell you how or when it truly started, but I can recognize now that it was there since I was young. It went hand in hand with my growing anxiety that was born of being isolated and over protected and sheltered in a small town with small minds. It’s possible it all came from the fact I was molested as a child. Up till I was at least ten. Which is the last time I let him come near me. My grandfather was a ‘war hero’. A ‘pillar of the small community’. A ‘good man and a good father’. A ‘wonderful husband’. But he also didn’t keep his hands to himself. And I never told anyone. Not my mom. Not my dad. Not my sweet grandmother. No one. They still don’t know. But my therapists and my husband and closests friends now do. I’m not as ashamed of it anymore. I realized only recently I shouldn’t be, it wasn’t my fault. And I’m not the one who should have ever felt such shame and guilt.

But keeping that secret since I was so little and never dealing with it left it’s mark on my small mind. A mark that festered and grew into fear and anxiety and self hatred.

Then I realized I was into girls. I felt...out of place. I wasn’t really shamed of that per se. But it WAS a small town. I got picked on by those that knew. Those that guessed. And those that just didn’t like how quiet I was. I was the “girl to talk to if if you wanted to ‘experiment’” to most of the girls in school. I mostly went along with it cause...how exactly did you say no to some of the most popular girls in school and not end up the target of some serious Mean Girl shit? Right? So I started my experimenting early. My girlfriend at the time got jealous easy and she wasn’t happy about none of it...but she was also closeted and afraid of people finding out. There was a point she became a source of bullying just to throw people off.  I grew cautious of telling people. I didn’t want to be targeted anymore. I didn’t want to be used. I didn’t want to be looked at as a freak. Another secret I had to keep. Another thing I had to hide. I’m more open about it now. I still haven’t pin pointed what I am myself. And that’s ok. It really is. FOr everyone who’s unsure it’s ok. No matter your age or how long you’ve had to figure it out.

I met my husband in high school. He was a bright point in those times for me. (And a dark one too, it was high school after all. Drama.) We were on and off more than once. Him being a hormonal guy and me being the idiot that kept forgiving him when he’d come crying back to me when his attempt to move on was rejected harshly. (he’s a wonderful man but he can still act like a teenager sometimes.)

And yes, we did get married. Which leads me to another stressful point in my life. I was left on my own shortly after our marriage. My husband practically volunteered to go be sent overseas. He had to ‘prove himself’. He had to ‘get away’. And so he left. We weren’t prepared. I certainly wasn’t. For nearly a whole year I was left on my own. In a tiny apartment. At first I was ok...until both cars broke down. I had no ride and I was too scared and anxious to ask for help. Cause the one time I did I got guilt tripped about being a burden to my husband by someone he worked with giving me a ride. and the manager of the apartment was a ‘military hater’. So she wasn’t happy about us. So I felt trapped. Alone. Scared. Isolated. And I gained 100+ pounds from ordering out cause I had no way to leave. It was  dark time and I was a mess and the apartment went to shit cause of it too. It was my first mental break. I didn’t recognize it then. I do now though. When my husband returned it was to a barely kept together apartment and a wife that was suddenly overweight and mentally unsound. It was a stressful time. I tried to get help...but they did nothing but throw medication at me that didn’t work.

One of the many reasons I don’t fully trust doctors.

Fast forwarding by a lot, skipping over quite a few little things that went on that probably had some affect on me. But we’re gonna go with big things for now. We’re in alabama now. I need a job. Jody helps me get one at a bowling alley on base. It’s my first job after FIVE YEARS of me trying and searching with little luck. The place was ok at first. But things went downhill fast. The promised hours were not what I got. The manager ran two buildings and the one I was at was the one she hated the most. (She admitted this often.) She micromanged everything. Talked down to everyone. Expected more than was could be given.

I was doing the job of 10 other people at that place. And for not enough hours and during the BUSIEST times of the week. The weekends. Most people will scoff at that. “Only the weekends? Pffft! You wimp! You child! That’s nothing!” Yeah. Maybe it is. But those three days of work? They were awful. They were draining and it got to the point I would actually cry before having to go back cause it was so bad. I hated it. But I kept trying cause I felt guilty. I felt weak. And I didn’t want to disappoint my husband who HELPED me get the job. During all this stress I found out I was pregnant. (this part is very upsetting for me and might be for others too. I apologize to anyone who is still reading this.) I didn’t know how to feel when I looked at that stupid pee stick. I was dumbfounded. I told my husband and...his reaction broke my heart. He panicked. Badly. He had to be sure. We went to a doctor. They confirmed. Their ‘Congratulations’ hurt me. It cut too deep. Cause I knew what my husband wanted to do. He wasn’t ready and he was panicking with every day.

He had me convinced we couldn’t do it. I knew it was bull. I knew it wasn’t true. The military would have paid him MORE to have the baby. I knew it. THey increase pay for such things. But I didn’t know how to fight him on it. I didn’t want him to hate me. I didn’t want him to regret or resent me. So...I went along. I agreed.

I know I told some people that it was done cause it was affecting my health. I lied. I felt too ashamed to tell the truth. I didn’t want to say “we got rid of it cause we weren’t ready”. Cause that wasn’t all true. HE wasn’t ready. I was more than so. I always wanted kids. At least one. But he...

He once told me “If it happens then it happens and we’ll deal”...that was clearly not the case. The abortion broke me. Both mentally and emotionally and physically. I hurt. So much. I still have nightmares at times. Not as often anymore thankfully. But back then it was almost every night afterwards. I...I went back to work. I had to. What else could I do? But not long after returning I just couldn’t anymore. I saw a therapist and he was kind. Understanding. I wasn’t used to that from doctors in the military. He helped some. But it was a temporary thing. Not a full time therapist. But even with his help I could stick it. I had to get away from that job and I needed time.

So I quit...And I felt ashamed and guilty cause I was handed that job on a silver platter and I couldn��t stick to it. I did for 4 years but I still felt horrible.

I stopped seeing that doctor. I stopped taking my meds. I just...tried to move on on my own. I tried to find other things to do. I had my friends online and they helped a lot. I disappeared into my writing. I distracted myself for a long, long time. Then things started going downhill ‘last year’, of 2019. Money getting tighter. Friends getting busy. Some of my favorite places to hang out online, RP forums mostly, were slowing or dying and shutting down. Some of the people I called friends weren’t talking to me anymore. I knew some were just busy and dealing with their own lives but it still felt painful and I felt alone again. Even with a house of three dogs, a roommate, a husband...I felt unwanted. Unloved. Useless. worthless. Pitiful. Shameful. Painful. I couldn’t sleep right. I was staying up for DAYS straight cause of my nightmares and insomnia and my brain just not turning off. I barely ate. My husband had started doing new better work but also college classes and had NO TIME. No time to talk. No time to sit with me anymore. No time. And I knew he needed space to work. I understood that. I wasn’t stupid. It wasn’t that he didn’t care he was just too busy to focus on anything but. Yet it still hurt. I was alone. I felt hollow and full of nothing but darkness at the same time. As dramatic as that sounds. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to not be a burden. I didn’t want the people I knew to feel they had to bother with me anymore. They wouldn’t need to worry or care or bother checking on me anymore. No more emotional mess that is me. No more mother hen monster fussing. No more pestering to hang out. No more.

I had a plan. I had a method. I had a place. All I needed was to wait for my husband to leave in the morning. Make sure the roommate was still sleeping in like always. And I’d take care of it all. I’d stop being a pest, a burden, a mess, a black mark on the lives of those I knew. I’d stop being a disappointment, a failure, a weakling, a pathetic excuse of life.

But one night...I realized those thoughts were wrong. just a moment. Just a spark of a thought. Through the dark fog that dominated my mind. And I sat down and talked to my husband. I told him what was wrong. I told him what I had planned to do. And he took me to someone as soon as possible. They sent me to a hospital (by the way 16 hours waiting in a hospital room is AWFUL and hospitals should be ashamed). And THEY sent me to a Behavioral Health Facility. A nut house. Yeah. BHF is just the nice way to name it. I was there for three days. It seemed to help. I calmed down. I discovered I had diabetes while there too.  I continued to seek treatment. I got my therapist. I got my psychiatrist. I have help now. Continuous help. Consistent help. And I’ve stayed on my meds this time. All this started in May 2019. I went into the BHF on May 10, 2019 and I’ve done my best to stick with everything. I’ve realized a lot about myself and I’m working on a lot of things. I’m hoping to keep getting better. There are a lot of people that helped along the way. People that kept me from doing something I’d regret sooner. Some that helped me more than they could ever realize and I wish I still talked to them. But I know they’ve had life keep them down. I want to thank them right now for being there for me. Misty, Tahki, Jessi, Tana, Fishy, Oobi, Verg, Aru, Naan, that one person who kept answering my depressing blogs and cheering me up ( I’m so sorry I can’t remember your name at this time I feel horrid), There are so many others...I want to thank you all. I’d @ you but I don’t want to disturb you with this long ass mess. I love you guys. Always will. I’m sorry for not talking to any of you more. But know I’m still here. And I’m still thinking of you. Always.

The Handmaid's Tale - ‘Under His Eye’ Review

Sorry I'm late. I kept putting off writing about this episode. Never a good sign.

Maybe it was because the episode began and ended with the increasing number of gutwrenching hangings – five just this week, according to June. They're like the Fenway Park scene at the beginning of season two but worse, because they're real. That red rope looked obscene somehow, with a slight touch of the ridiculous. It looked at first as if the handmaids were playing tug of war. I'm sure that was intentional. Not sure why.

June's pious walking partner, Ofmatthew, is having a difficult pregnancy this time; June showed her some sympathy early on when Ofmatthew felt sick at the hanging. Not so much at the end of the episode when June discovered that Ofmatthew is Aunt Lydia's spy, watching over June and "protecting her from herself." I wish I could say I was surprised.

Why was June so careless in Loaves and Fishes when she contacted the MacKenzie's unfortunate Martha, who was hung before she even got a character name of her own? (Her terrified face at the gallows made me cry.) And yes, I'm a mom, I get June's desperation, but talking Eleanor Lawrence into going for a casual walk to Hannah's school was monumentally stupid and reckless.

Because even seeing Hannah, much less grabbing her somehow, was impossible. High walls with barbed wire, watch towers, guardians with machine guns, and how come those guardians didn't see June scouting the perimeter? Her red cloak is highly visible on purpose – as she has said, like blood on snow. And of course, now that Ofmatthew has tattled to Aunt Lydia, the MacKenzies took Hannah out of that school and left Boston entirely. Hannah is now lost to June, possibly forever.

Eleanor Lawrence is clearly an ally and she did her best, but she's bipolar and has no filter and the way she was carrying on because she couldn't have a tour of the school only brought more attention on herself and June. Endangering Eleanor is certainly not going to make Commander Lawrence happy, since he adores her and is very protective of her. I'm surprised Lawrence didn't blow his stack at June, or worse. June could lose her cushy non-rape set-up at the Lawrences so easily, and wind up at the end of a rope herself.

Losing it with Ofmatthew, screaming "You fucking bitch!" wasn't wise or careful of June, either. June has plot armor. Let's face it, any handmaid that did what June got away with in this episode would be in the Colonies, or worse.

Checking in with DC's new power couple

Am I supposed to care about Serena's marriage? I so do not. Unless the ups and downs of the Waterfords will eventually lead to them to the Resistance, but is that even a possibility any more? I thought that was where Serena was going, but not if she's dancing romantically with the husband who freaking had her freaking finger cut freaking off.

Seriously, though, maybe I'm just thinking about Footloose, but why would Gilead allow dancing at all, much less something as sexy and suggestive as a tango? I was even under the impression that Fred and Serena couldn't have sex because they couldn't procreate. The Wives at the dance were joking about guardians as sex objects, or was it the waiters? I'm confused, and if I'm confused, the writers didn't do their jobs very well.

Olivia Winslow showed Serena an available home as yet "unrestored," meaning there was still stuff left from the family that used to live there. Shoes and coats by the door, photos of a mom and dad and their three kids, how could anyone look at that house and not feel for that family? I think Serena felt something. Olivia, not so much.

Meanwhile in Canada

The continuing story in Canada usually makes me feel a little better, gives me a little hope. Not this time.

Emily was interviewed by the Swiss mediator Lena about the incredibly violent things she did while she was a freaking slave and being held captive and raped against her will and nearly worked into a grave at a death camp, and can you tell this made me angry? Does the world really not know what is going on in Gilead? Sylvia's face was shocked and angry and fortunately, supportive.

And I loved Emily and Moira doing some serious bonding at the café. They may not know the same lesbian hangouts in Boston, but they certainly have PTSD and the worst of handmaid experiences in common. I liked how they tied the hangings and June to Emily and Moira and their murders, the Wife in the Colonies, the Commander at Jezebels. All of these women have been forced to kill. Look what they've turned us into.

But the thing is, the second time I watched this episode, all I could think of was where it had to be going. Emily went with Moira to protest the Minister of Border Security who wouldn't declare Gilead refugees safe from deportation. High Commander Winslow and Fred Waterford were talking about negotiating an extradition treaty with Canada not just for baby Nichole, but for "the others."

Emily and Moira are technically criminals, and omigod. They're going to be extradited back to Gilead, aren't they? I can't think of anything worse that could happen on this show, and the worst possible things happen on this show. Seriously, it might be too much for me. The Handmaid's Tale is hard enough to watch as it is.

Bits:

— I always enjoy the scenes in Loaves and Fishes. This time the announcement was that bee tokens can now be used for both bee pollen and honey. The handmaids were noticing the new mouth coverings, but apparently June hasn't shared what they're for.

— Was June actually hinting to Ofmatthew that she thought about abortion when she became pregnant with Nichole? That was another thing June did in this episode that made me crazy. Too reckless. What was she thinking?

— Naomi Putnam referred to June as a "ripe handmaid." Like a peach or an avocado. I remember Serena referring to them as apples, too.

— The Lawrences didn't have children of their own because of Eleanor's condition, because they were always "adjusting her dosage."

— What is the point of a school for girls if they can never read and write, anyway?

— Ofmatthew is played by Ashleigh LaThrop, who is also in The 100 this season. She must be doing a great job because I despise her and feel sorry for her at the same time.

— I want Emily and Syl and Oliver and Moira and Luke and Erin and Nichole to hightail it somewhere, right the heck now. Would they be safe in what's left of the United States, Alaska and Hawaii?

Quotes:

June: "Fruit cocktail? Really?" Alma: "I'm crappy at improv."

Serena: "Who lived here before?" Olivia: "I think they were Baptists."

June: "Where's the Commander?" Beth: "I don't know. In some commander place doing commander things?"

Eleanor: (to the baby) "We thought you were gonna die. But you didn't."

Moira: (to Emily) "How can we not have any gay in common? Jeez, I'm pretty sure that this is the first time this has ever happened in all of lesbian history."

Emily: "I killed a Wife. In the Colonies. I poisoned her. I'm not sorry." Moira: "I killed a Commander. I didn't have to, he was asleep, but I did it anyway." Emily: "Look what they've turned us into." Moira: "You killed anybody since you've been out?" Emily: "No. You?" Moira: "Nope. So I think we're good."

The images that stayed with me were that long, improbably red rope, and Serena and Fred improbably doing the tango. The common key word there is "improbable." Two out of four red ropes, perhaps? What did you guys think?

---

Billie Doux loves good television and spends way too much time writing about it.

|| I’m A Mess ||

who: Chris Murray and Dr. Marietta Winslow with mentions of Brittany Pierce, Santana Lopez, Sam Evans, Mercedes Jones and Noah Puckerman 

when: Friday Morning

why: Chris has therapy

“Chris… Chris are you with me?” Chris blinked a few times, his mind completely elsewhere other than in the small room he was seated in. He looked around at the blank walls, painted what he could only assume was supposed to be a calming grey. It looked much like his own office where he met his clients. Comfy seats, walls that made his patients feel safe. And pictures of him and his family that made him relatable so his patients felt that they could talk to him. He knew the tricks were just that. Tricks. Which was why he was having such a hard time in this particular session. “What?” he finally replied. “I asked if you were okay,” Dr. Winslow leaned foward. “We started talking about your family and you sorta blanked out.” Christ adjusted in his seat and shrugged. “What do you want me to say Doc?” The older woman sighed and leaned back. “Chris… this isnt new for you. Not only do you do this for a living but we’ve been meeting each other for nearly two months and you’ve made progress but today it’s like you dont actually want to be here. So why are you here?” “Because I’m paying you $100 an hour,” he quipped, not earning a response from her. He sighed deeply and rubbed his now sweating hands on his pants before clearing his throat. “I’ve just been having a hard time.” “Chris,” she said again. “You were diagnosed with depression, something that millions of people deal with. And on top of that, your life hasnt exactly been a walk in the park. Your mother died when you were a child, and your father shipped you off to live with relatives when you were 16. You became a father at 17, and eventually married a woman who tried to kill your cousin. You have had more than a hard time…I just want to help you. Or we can sit here for the rest of the hour and not talk at all.” He tried to ignore the ripping in his chest and stared out the window. “Today was hard,” he started. “I didnt wanna get out of bed this morning. I felt pretty empty and I know you said these new meds would kick in soon but I feel like I’m drowning…. Last night I couldnt sleep and I just stared at Brittany… I just kept wondering why the hell she was with me.: “Why do you think she’s with you?” Dr. Winslow asked. “Do you want the real answer or what I tell myself?” “Both.” Chris swallowed and looked down at the ground, knowing that honesty was actually the best policy. He wasnt dumb, he knew that if he was going to be able to manage the storm that was his brain, he needed to lay all his shit bare. Even if it made him feel gross. “Most days I tell myself it’s because she loves me. Because she realized that she wanted to be with me. Other days I think it’s just because we have Ari. Because I’m convenient. Because... Puck isnt here.” He hated thinking it. That he was second best and that he didnt deserve to be with Brittany. Most days he was okay. Most days he knew he deserved to be happy. But those days were overshadowed by the days when he felt completely and utterly useless and unwanted. Dr. Winslow nodded. “Have you always felt like that?” “I dont know,” he shrugged. “Maybe? I always wondered what if we hadnt gotten pregnant? What if she’d had an abortion or if we just hadnt dated at all… would we be together right now?” “And?” “And… the answer scares me.” “Why?” “Because I knew that had we not had Ari. Had we not dated at all, I’d still have been with Santana and I would’ve married her…And she’d still be with Puck. He mightve still cheated but it wouldnt’ve been with Steph and maybe just maybe he’d still be alive.” “That’s a lot to put on yourself Chris. How does that make you feel?” “I dont know. I know that I love Brittany. So much. And I dont regret a single bit of our life together. And I want to be with her forever. But had she and Puck not broken up, she wouldnt have given me the time of day.” She nodded. “Does that make you feel insecure? Or unworthy?” Chris shrugged with a small nod.. “Look I know I’m good looking. I know I’m charming. I can turn it on whenever I want but the people who I fall in love with rarely love me back. Shawn was too deep in the closet to admit ever feeling anything for me. And Santana well I cant blame her because she barely loved herself when we dated as kids. And Stephanie was insane and cheated on me repeatedly. What makes me so sure Brittany is different?” “Is this why you have such a hard time thinking of marrying her?” Chris licked his lips and frowned. “Maybe? I wanna give her the world but marriage just sounds like something I never wanna do again. I mean everyone’s marriage has fallen apart. Charice and Dylan are divorced, Sam and Cedes never even made it down the aisle even though they’ve tried a combined number of three times. Why would I be the exception?” Dr. Winslow sighed softly and leaned forward. “Chris… I think when it comes to dating you’ve faced a lot of rejection. With Shawn, he rejected not only his sexuality but you as well. With Santana, she hid a lot of things from you and while I dont believe you were perfect, I think that’s added to your current mindset. With Stephanie, she cheated on you and then hurt someone you care about. I think it’s totally valid that you feel like marriage isnt something you want because you are yet to feel stable in any romantic relationship you’ve been in. But I think right now is a chance for you to try creating your own stability.” “How so?” he questioned. “Chris, have you told Brittany you’ve been meeting with me yet?” He started to shake his head. “Doc, I told you I cant. Look we’ve all been through so much shit the last year, I cant add this on. She’s already having a hard time with Cedes being gone and these new damn friends of hers that frankly suck. If I add depressed boyfriend to that, I dont know what she’ll do.” “Perhaps you arent giving her the chance to react. You’re basically taking her option away because you’re afraid she’ll reject you… maybe this even plays into the fact that you feel like you need to be the shoulder for everyone else. It’s a coping mechanism. You deal with other’s problems because maybe if they see you have a use for them they wont reject you much like your romantic partners and even your own family did as a youth.” Chris winced and clutched his chest due to the honesty in her words. “Ouch… Jesus Doc.” She shrugged a shoulder. “You dont pay me to lie to you,” she said. “Next week, I want to hear that you’ve not only told Brittany but that you’ve given her a chance to prove that you are in a stable, healthy relationship. One that wont end in rejection. Allow her to prove you wrong Chris.” Chris nodded, not wanting to do what she said but knowing that it would be helpful. “What if she proves me right?” he whispered. “Then you two made a beautiful little girl. And being with her taught you a lot. But she isnt the one you’re gonna end up with and that’s okay too. Stability starts in you first. Not in someone else.” Chris sighed loudly and rubbed the back of his head before standing. “Wow Doc, I feel like they need to pay you the big bucks.” “Aw Chris,” she grinned. “They already do. See you next week?” “Next week it is.”

I know it isn’t ALL men... but...

....it doesn’t have to be.  I wrote this some time ago, when I was in counseling for depression and anxiety. I didn’t share this with the person I was seeing but getting it down on paper helped me. I don’t hate all men. I don’t hate men, period. Men don’t do shit like this. However I have absolutely no respect for males who engage in and perpetuate the sort of actions you are gonna be reading about. Fuck those fuckers with the vehicles they ride around in. And fuck the fucking females/people who support them. And fuck the society that is fine with half of its population living in fear of the other half. Also, my apologies for the gendered pronouns here. I tried to fix some of them but I really can’t read this again right now.  

Yes, I know that "not all men" are doing awful things to women. There are four men in my life now that are very important to me that I know full well would never mistreat a woman. I'm married to one, I birthed another and the other two are good friends. I am also certain that at least two of those four would kill a man who was caught raping me or my daughter or any other female. Hell, possibly all four of them. I know that two of them wouldn't lose a wink of sleep about that death, either. They would “sleep the sleep of the just.” I don't think it would much bother the others either. So yes, I know the truth of "Not all men."

I also know the reality that enough men do things that entirely TOO MANY women have good reason to not trust the lot of you. I certainly have enough reason to wish ill upon a significant segment of your gender, fellas. And it is very personal. Probably not at YOU, sir, specifically, but in general? Oh, fuck yeah.

    Introduction to bad thing with guys (well, society, really) was the fact that my mother was single. My father paid $100/month in child support so there's that, but my mom raised me. I remember hearing people talk shit about single mothers; now they are talking shit about wanting to ban abortions and talking shit about cutting welfare and generally dumping on single mothers. I never heard anything about how awful men were for getting women pregnant and running off, just how it was HER fault for "getting herself pregnant" and then having to raise that child alone. If men were so fucking superior then why were there so many single mothers? Why were so many women going without child support? Fuck anyone who has talked shit about single parents because you're part of the fucking problem.

    When I was around ten years old I started developing breasts. Ten. That's 4th grade. I remember going over to some couple's house with my grandfather to deliver some clothes and towels and bedding to a family who lost their house in a fire. My grandfather took some stuff in and the old guy (old enough to have grandkids) had come out to "help." While my grandfather was in the house, the old pervert groped my breasts. I remember him saying something supposedly flattering about me being pretty but it was just creepy. He then said "We don't want anyone to know about this, now do we?" I was a child, I agreed just to get him away from me, though he made me feel dirty. He took a box in and I trailed along with another box. His wife offered me a piece of candy when I was inside. I was standing close to my grandfather. I don't know if she knew what her husband was about or not. The pervert said "Take two, You got two hands, don't you?" I knew he was buying me off. I took two anyway.     I never said anything. What would I say or how would I say it? I knew that shit wasn't right, though. I started being wary of old strange guys after that. I became more aware of older dudes LOOKING at me because of what that one male did to me. That isn't an awareness a child should have. Not all men, but it was that one fucking creep. And all those other creeps leering at me as a child.

    Second thing that I remember was my step-father. First and foremost, I LOVE my mother so no shit-talking about her. Fucking NONE. You all can keep your cock-holsters shut. Also my mother died a couple of years ago (surprise Stage 4 cancer) and I am still not over it. I don’t think I ever will be.     My mother was happy with this guy while they were dating. They met sometime when I was in late 5th grade or the summer between 5th and 6th. My mom was a teacher and coached (and won state championships) for the extra pittance they paid her for coaching, which was, of course, less than what the male coaches got. (Yes, another problem I have with the patriarchy). This guy was divorced and his ex-wife had the kids. Divorced dad, nothing to see here, right?     I was SUPER-STOKED when I heard they were getting married. I was gonna have a DAD! He was going to do shit with me and teach me stuff that other dads taught their kids and it was going to be great! He was going to threaten my dates and teach me to work on a car and whatever else dads do with their daughters. Then one day when he and I were hanging out, he said "Give me a kiss." I was like, sure, dads kiss their kids all the time, right? So I went to give him a peck and he turned it into a harder kiss than just a peck on the lips. He quickly backed off and said "it must be something in the air" or some shit like that. I believed him, though it made me a little leery of him. But I forgave it and assumed it was some anomaly. Elementary school kid at that time, remember? The wedding wasn't a huge affair. My mom wasn't much for pomp and circumstance, plus it was her second marriage. (My father married her so she would have his military benefits for prenatal care and delivery but they were divorced after that.)     It was after the wedding that things started to change a little between them. Mom told me later that he courted her one way and married her another, but that was some years after they got divorced. What started for me was ongoing sexual harassment and some occasional mild molestation (he never got me naked, he never stuck his fingers inside me, he never stuck his dick on or in me). He made it QUITE clear that he wanted to fuck me. I was twelve when this full court press started. He would buy me gifts, he would try to get me to watch soft-core porn when my mom wasn't around. He would corner me while I was doing laundry. I'm pretty sure he would creep into my room at night to watch me. He would grab me and try to feel my breasts up. He told me one time, when I was riding with him one winter, that if I was cold he could warm me up. I learned that he felt guilty when I would cry, which I would. I was scared and I knew what he wanted, even if I didn't know the HOW of it.

    I was NAIVE, dear reader. Horribly naive. Naive on a "Bless my little pea-picking heart" level. I didn't tell my mom about what was going on because I thought he made her happy and I could put up with his occasional shit to make sure she was happy. She was always involving me in things she was doing. She'd let me read her book collection and recommend books to me, she and I would sing together. She'd take me shopping for clothes and make really good recommendations, to the point that I about gave up picking clothes because she had really good taste and I always ended liking what she bought for me. I would occasionally get money off of that guy when he would have me count cash for him. I only later figured out that he was doing shady shit on the side and was having me count what he had because he wanted to somehow impress (?) me or convince me to crawl into bed with him. Given that I heard he was upset over losing a bag of corn when it hit the road and burst, I suspect he was moonshining with some other dudes. That or just dealing drugs. Or both. Don't know, don't care.

    The breaking point was when he came into my room one night when I was sixteen. He and mom were sleeping in separate rooms by this time. I woke up and he was pouring chloroform on my pillow. He would drip some, wait a second, drip some, wait a second. I was waking up and thought I was dreaming. (The chemical he got from where he was working, claimed he could sniff it and get rid of headaches. We didn't question him and there wasn’t Google back in them days of Apple IIe computers to check on that.) I sat up and asked him what he was doing. He lunged for me and grabbed me legs as I scurried back on my bed. The light was on behind him. I don't believe he had a stitch of clothing on but I couldn't tell, not between the light and my not having my glasses on. He tried to pull me towards him but I screamed. He stood up, said "Alright alright I'm leaving" and walked out of my room. I grabbed a pair of scissors like a knife and ran to my mom's room upstairs. I told her what had just happened. She stormed downstairs like Baba Yaga and I heard arguing. What I remember is this: Her: What the fuck is going on?!!? Him: I don't know. I feel like I'm going crazy. (I knew it was bullshit because this had been going on a while. I never told her how long it had been happening.) Her: NOT AROUND (my name) YOU'RE NOT! GET OUT!     After a few minutes she came back upstairs where I was in her bed. She was shaking a little. I know she was furious and probably guilty that she didn't have any idea that shit was going on in his head.     I asked her "Are you OK?" and she laughed, the same laugh I have when I am between fury and tears, and said "I should be asking you that." I told her I was fine. We didn't talk about that night until years later. I was safe and secure with her. When I needed her, she was there for me and hell's fury was with her. They got divorced on a one year separation because she didn't want to put me through a trial about his treatment of me. Well, she never told me the reason for the wait, but I wasn't stupid. Naive, yes, but not stupid…not generally anyway. They divorced when I was between my sophomore and junior year in HS, if I recall correctly. That isn't really a date I've ever wanted to celebrate.     Not all men, but it WAS that one.

      Years later, I moved in with a guy and eventually got pregnant because of one instance in bad math in timing my cycles. I could have stayed at home but I was in my early 20's and full of the stupid that comes with that decade. (I absolutely do not miss those years and am sometimes terrified that reincarnation is real and I'll have to go through my teens and 20's again.) He was abusive when he was drinking. He was nicer when he was stoned. We were stupid poor. I had a minimum wage, ~25hrs a week part time job as a cashier at a grocery store and he worked as a painter for a shady guy. We made rent and the bills had a TV. I saw his potential (instead of seeing him) and thought I could help him reach it. Still being naive, though by now it was bordering on being stupid. But I was the idealist then, full of sunshine and rainbows and believing in fairies and spirits and the like. I remember us having an argument and him grabbing me by my neck and throwing me over a coffee table and onto a couch. Another time I was in another room and he threw a glass bowl so that it smashed against a wall near me. One time we were having sex and it started hurting and I asked him to stop but he didn't. I kept asking but he didn't until he climaxed. I was crying and he was strutting around the room. That’s rape, by the way. He did a great job of gaslighting, plus I didn't want to go home so soon after leaving and being an abject failure in making my own way.     After I found out I was pregnant, he suggested we wait a while then he could push me down the outside stairs to our 2nd floor apartment. We didn't want a baby but I thought he was joking. He wasn't, actually, because I had enlisted on a delayed plan because my chosen school wouldn't start again for a number of weeks. By the time I would be able to go through basic, I would be too far along in my pregnancy for the military to allow me in. I couldn't afford an abortion so I got whatever amounts to a release from the service. I guess he was hoping I'd be his meal ticket and that didn't happen. At the pregnancy center I was going to, an official there pulled me off in a room by ourselves and told me that they had a couple willing to adopt and would give me $10,000 for the baby. I really thought about it but I didn't know what sort of people they were. I never met them. They could have been wonderful or they could have been a nightmare. I sometimes wish I had taken them up on the offer as it would have saved my son from the third guy.     Not all men, but it was that one.

    I was humiliated to have to move back home but I did. My mom was with me when I had my son. She doted on him and bought him all kinds of shit. That was awesome. I didn't have a social life because I was a mother. I did get out a few times but always felt guilty for leaving my kid with my family as he was my responsibility. An acquaintance of mine got me to go with her to a martial arts class. The instructor seemed really nice. He let me work around the studio to offset the cost of classes. I was good at the marital art and really enjoyed it. I eventually moved in with him. He was older and didn't mind my son, whom he later adopted. Everything was fine for a while then he started his shit.     I remember he stopped playing chess with me because "You were good enough that you would beat me one day." He slowly started with the abuse. It was mental and emotional. I saw the signs but was thinking that no one would want to date someone as young as I was (23) who had a baby. Yes, I know, it was stupid but I was still starry-eyed and also horribly lacking in self-confidence. We talked about marriage and his occasional hateful comments decreased in frequency. I thought that marriage would help because he wouldn't have to worry about me leaving him. Besides, it wasn't that often and I thought things would get better. Plus he had a good job and his evening side job of teaching as well as another business that I took care of during the day. I never EVER got paid though.     Things didn't get better. He became more abusive to my son, overly punishing him for wrongdoings. I learned later that when I wasn't at the martial arts school he would treat the boy even more harshly, though out of the eye of everyone else. He said my son had delicate sinuses which is why he had a nosebleed one time. If dinner wasn't on time, he'd yell at me or just NOT talk to me at all. Same with bills not being paid on a certain day. I had to get specific brands of foods. I was left with keeping up with the house bills and the business bills while he just strolled around as a bad-ass black belt. Well, he never did any work at the business but he did know everything, even if he didn't. He had a limited amount of stories he'd tell over and over and always had to one-up anything anyone else talked about. Except for my awful periods. (I was later diagnosed with PMDD) He wouldn’t one-up me on those.     One day we met some Mormon missionaries. They were very polite and had a persuasive tale to tell us. We were interested and started taking lessons. It seemed that after each one we would later discuss them and would have questions for the next lesson. And those questions were answered during the course of the lesson. It seemed like some divine sign and we joined the church. And for a WHILE, things went really good. I was convinced that us finding this church was the answer to our problems. Home life got a lot better and there was more peace around the home. It lasted for about a year before the old behaviors started reappearing.     In our maybe 8th year together I got pregnant (birth control fail) and we had a daughter. His behavior calmed again while I was pregnant. He got angry with me for something (probably me being sarcastic because I was fucking tired in my last trimester). We were passing in the narrow hallway and he body checked me with his shoulder so that I stumbled back into the wall. He walked on by and didn't say anything.

    After I had my daughter (he was with me the entire time in labor, honestly concerned about me) and came home, he refused to make me anything to eat so I'd have to get up to do it myself because he was told that I needed to move around. This was two days after I'd pushed out a baby weighing over nine pounds, and after I'd had my tubes tied the day after her birth, and of course, vaginal stitches. I was fucking hurting. I'd have to get the food out the fridge (the church people had showered us with casseroles so we didn't have to cook for over a week) and nuke the food and put the shit away and gimp back to my chair to eat. I was nursing because I could, which was probably a good thing as I'm pretty sure if we were bottle feeding I'd have to do all that crap as well. He rarely helped with her, though. When we were at the business I ran, he'd come get her only when he saw someone pulling up so when they came in, they'd see him with the baby whom he'd bring back to me while he talked business with them. As if I wasn't working it the back or anything. When I had to run the noisy machines, he would refuse to take her home (about 3/4 mile away) or even outside so I'd have to call a friend of ours to come run the noisy machines so I could take her outside.

    The breaking point was about a year and a half after the girl was born. They were going to a tournament and the boy had forgotten his belt (he was fucking eleven years old and I'm pretty sure that he was told to pack all sorts of shit up and not just his stuff). So instead of just going to get the belt or buying one at the tournament, this person loses his fucking mind and hits the kid then grabs him by the hair of his head, shakes him a little and yells into his face "I hate you. I HATE you!" then shoves him away. I stepped between them while holding the girl, terrified that he would hit me and her as well but he didn't. I realized then that his shit was never going to stop and that if I didn't leave then my son and I at least would end up as domestic violence statistics. I called my mom, who would come over every now and then to visit, when Captain Controlling would allow it. She came over when he wasn't around and I loaded up stuff I needed and she took it over to her house. This went on for a week or so until I'd gotten the important things. He went off one day to do I don't care what and she came over, got the three of us and we fucking left.

    Because I ended up with a female attorney that was even less useful than a dry fuck with an oversized, 60 grit sandpaper dildo, I had to allow for joint custody even though I'd kept a journal. He paid child support right on time, though and would buy school supplies if they were needed. He never complained about the cheap child support or providing for the kids but he has only recently admitted that he did wrong by us. I guess that's something, but the apology won't erase the damage.     Oh... yeah, the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. Fuck them. I went to talk to one of the leaders about three years before this crap happened. It was a wonder he didn't just pat me on the head and send me on my way. He didn't take me seriously at all. Then when I'd left the house, I went to talk to the bishop about what was going on. I let him read a couple of entries in my journal. I told him this sort of thing had been going on for several years. That motherfucking piece of shit tells me "You need to forgive him and move back in and make your family whole again." I could not fucking believe I just heard those words come out of his mouth. Was not the Spirit of the Lord supposed to be with him and let him know when truth is being spoken and when someone needed help? I was in fear for my life and that bastard tells me I am wrong for leaving. I spoke with a matriarch in the church and she told me the bishop was right. At that point I was done with the church. DONE. I knew good and well that they were full of shit. Abuse is supposed to be very much against church standards, but apparently it wasn't as important as maintaining the appearance of solid family units.

    I also spoke with my mother's pastor after I'd left. I told him what had been going on and how the religious leaders had responded and he told me that they were right, that I should work on making my family whole.

    For those of you wondering why I didn’t try to fix it? I wasn't the one heaping on the abuse. I wasn't the one refusing to go to counseling or talk to a doctor or anything. I did my best to make that marriage work but one cannot carry something meant to be carried by two.     Oh... did someone say that I broke my marriage vows by getting divorced? Fuck you, too. He broke his marriage vows the minute he spoke with hate intending to hurt, the minute he laid his hands on us in anger. There is nothing loving or honorable about treatment like that. You don't abuse something you cherish.

    So yes, not all men, but it was that one, and the three male religious leaders who didn't care and the bitch who also told me I was wrong for leaving. That right there is one abuser and four assholes enabling the abuse. Plus however many other people who knew and never spoke up.

        I am currently married to an absolutely amazing man who, while he grew up in a physically abusive household, has never ever raised his voice or his hand to me. We each worship the ground that the other walks on. He has been a rock for me. He's one of those who most assuredly is an example of #notallmen.     Yes, guys, I know it's NOT ALL MEN but it was four who had direct influence over me and two other men who could have stepped up but chose instead to sit back on their asses and believe the facade of my last abuser or some religious bullshit over the truth of my own words. It was all those other men who knew my son's adopted father was abusing him and did nothing, who said nothing. It was all those men who knew I was being abused and did nothing, either with my daughter’s father or my son’s. They knew. They saw things and they did nothing.  Not all men do this, but it's enough of your gender that are shitting in the well and poisoning it for every other human that has to drink from it. And it’s women who know this is going on and condemn the abused for trying to leave it. It’s people in power who know and look the other way. It’s anyone who sees these horrible wrongs and doesn’t speak out. To this day hearing male voices raised in anger frightens me. When I see a balding guy with a moustache and glasses, I feel fear. Those males have caused me and people like me to look at every man with suspicion because we have learned that #notallmen can be trusted, that #notallmen are safe to be around and it is foolish to assume any guy is nice. They all are until they aren’t.

Summary of My Favorite Quotes from the Enty Podcast (3/11):

Hey, I’m going to have to splice up the podcast audio because it is too long as is for Tumblr. I’ll try and do that tonight. But, I transcribed my favorite parts yesterday so I’ll post those for now. 

I bolded the comments by Enty I enjoyed the most and put my comments in (parentheses) and italized. If nothing else this is a good refresher for the timeline of these two, her and JJ, and the Fatih of it all ;) 

Enjoy!

-----

"Diane Kruger is an interesting story to me. And she is probably, she and Norman Reedus, are probably the #1 request I get...And it's, I don't know, it's the same. You know? Norman cheats, she forgives. She cheats, he doesn't care. That's kind of the thing."

(I still maintain this isn’t any real type of relationship. I mean he obviously is getting it a lot of other places besides her, meaning she just doesn’t do it for him, even in the bedroom. She just sticks arounf like the girl who hooked up with a guy and now is there every night watching him ignore her and flirt with everyone else in the room. Take the hint d. It is pretty pathetic, especially at this point.)

"I've never heard that they fight a lot. I think that they just...don't care. You know? Maybe they're just... Their apathetic, that's a good word.”

(That’s because he never wanted this to be serious or last this long. It is like two strangers sitting together at a table.)

[Talks about her ex-husband and their relationship]

[Talks about her and Joshua, more just friends than in love and there was overlap between Joshua and her ex-husband]

[Norman has let it slip that there is nothing "kinky" about Diane] 

(aka boring as fuck in bed lol! Let’s be real the man loves sex and I bet he enjoys mixing it up a bit at times, she obviously doesn’t fulfill him. I bet she just lays there lol!)

"Norman will have sex with anybody. He'll make the moves on anybody. And obviously, this is something Diane wanted... It happened Dec 2015, that's when the first inkling of it came up. And of course, she was still with Joshua at that time. And this totally makes sense, the story went that Norman and Diane were tipsy and he was on whiskey, she was on vodka, and they were making out in front of everybody. That totally sounds like every single Norman Reedus hookup ever! Okay? I've been writing Norman Reedus tips and they are all exactly the same. Comic con... drunk, go back to the hotel room, have sex, repeat the next day. That's his thing.

So when you hear the story and they’re in the bar and their drunk, I totally get it. There you know what happened. I 100% believe that's what happened and I think that perhaps Diane thought then maybe there was more to it or something? [he giggles at the thought] So, yeah they made out. Then she got him into a chair and she's straddling him. Which would lead you to believe that maybe things with Joshua aren't that great..."

(So again he was three sheets to the wind and that was the only reason she got him to make out with her. I go back to what I was told about on lookers saying he looked very uncomfortable when she was straddling him. So I have to wonder if his whiskey buzz had worn off by then and he wondered wtf he had just done.

And yeah she probably thought he would worship her ass and she would have him in the palm of her hand. But, I guess she really doesn’t know who he is and that to him this act wasn’t a serious thing. She legit was in his mind probably equivalent to a one night stand. Although Enty didn’t say anything about them leaving together and if I remember correctly he left alone not long after she straddled him and made an ass out of them both.)

[Talk about how awful she looked in this situation because she hadn't put it out there that she and Joshua had split when she was seen making out with Norman. She looks awful and "Norman doesn't care..."]

(He didn’t care because she wasn’t anything he was very interested in and it was a one time thing in his mind. Also remember when he heard she lied to him about not being with JJ anymore he ghosted her and pimp Fabienne had to pull him back in with a work related excuse.)

"Now she had said in an April 2016 article that she had never met Norman before filming Sky. She said, "We share a lot of intimate scenes and I was scared about meeting him and not being able to have a drink with him or talk with him." and "I would not recommend having your better half on set, when you have to film intimate scenes with another man," she said. I think that they were filming the movie, they start hooking up, and Joshua visits the set and he can see.”

(Funny drinking with him is the first thing that comes to mind before even talking to him! lol! Her only love besides herself is the bottle!)

(Also this is where I personally disagree. I do not think they hooked up on set. I think she tried several times but after she lied to him that trust for her was gone with him. Also, he had to have seen she was trying to latch onto him and not wanting anything serious I doubt he would be messing around with her when she was following him around like a puppy.  But, that’s my opinion.)

“The weird part was you had this happen in Dec 2015. But Diane and Josh didn't announce their split until July 2016. So 8 months after the fact. So what you had was everybody just blasting Diane Kruger for 8 months. And hurting Pacey, everybody loves Pacey. Nobody likes Diane Kruger. They don't have an emotional attachment to Diane Kruger...”

(”Nobody likes Diane Kruger.” - HAHAHA! Ain’t that the truth! Because she is a cold-hearted b*tch to everyone!)

“Over the time of the blog I've down 75 photos of Diane Kruger..75 pictures. She's maybe, maybe, wearing jeans in 2 of them. And I think it took me a decade to see her in a pair of jeans. I always thought about her who cared more about herself and fashion than anything else. And that Joshua was more like an accessory that had to be there. Much like a handbag or a pair of sunglasses...I think Joshua was always an accessory. And then Norman Reedus became that luxury item that you splurge on and break the bank with. And that's kind of what she wanted and Norman's that kind of guy for it.

(Well she certainly broke her career chasing after a man who didn’t want her!)

(I love the accessory comment because it really is true. When she was with JJ I always could tell she really only loved being with him for the camera and media attention. Norman is the very same thing to her, nothing more than her meal ticket to have an excuse to be in the media because otherwise no one cares about her or her career. She is a user.)

"Let's go back to 'Everybody Likes Pacey.'... Everybody in general public likes Pacey and Diane let herself be hammered for 7 or 8 months, 'homewrecker, homewrecker, homewrecker!" And what did they say about Norman Reedus? "Eh, It's Norman." So who's taking the brunt? Diane. Who's getting the sympathy votes? Joshua...

Anyway. She said about it in an interview in 2017 about why they waited until July of 2016. She says, "That break up was a long time coming. Also, we broke up many months before we said we were broken up, so by the time I made that decision it didn't feel like it was so urgent anymore. You don't break up overnight after 10 years, you know what I mean? It wasn't like an urgent, 'omg I can't sleep at night thing,' It felt liberating that I didn't have to worry about that anymore. So that I could immerse myself 100% into something else. That something else was the German language movie, "In the Fade."" Hmmm! "A role she won best actress at Canne's film festival in May."

“Okay. So, do you think that In the Fade coincided with that first time that she got pregnant? Right? So, maybe Diane was seeing Norman but he was seeing 50 other people. So, Diane and the director of In the Fade! 

(I heard she has had a few abortions, not miscarriages btw)

And Diane of course... This is how bad she is at this. By letting herself get hammered for 7 or 8 months... After 8 months of letting herself get hammered, she finally tries to get her friends to blame Josh, claiming he messed around for years and holding her career back because he was jealous. [sighs] Pacey doesn't have anything to be jealous about and Joshua Jackson can work all day long... But he was holding her back and he was jealous? She was working all the time. I don't think he was holding her back. The thing is she's never gonna be an A list actress, it's just not in the cards for her. People don't like her and now they like her less. Her cue scores are terrible!”

(She is never going to be an A list celeb. If she was meant to she would be by now. All she has ever been is a mediocre nobody who has to use men to get media attention.)

[Talks about Joshua's team saying she cheated and she was ruthlessly obsessed with her career over the relationship.]

"And again, I think that she... You can't tell everything about someone by the way someone dresses. But when you're seen at any kind of casual place and you're the one person who's wearing a chanel suit or a chanel dress, when everyone else is in shorts and flip flops or jeans and sneakers, and it happens all the time! It just gives everybody the impression that 'oh she thinks she is so much better than us.' And in Diane's case, she does think she's better than everybody. And maybe she is! I'm not saying she's not. 

I'm just not a huge fan of Diane Kruger. And I don't know a lot of people who are!

(My favorite line of the whole podcast lmao! SO TRUE!)

"And when they say, 'oh her friends,' I thought to myself what friends does she have? She doesn't. She has some guy friends. And I suppose they could have stuck up for her. But, she doesn't. Go look. Go back and find older pictures of her and see if you can find pictures of her hugging other women at parties or something. Maybe a co-star she's hugging on the red carpet that she's just filmed with and you'll never see her with that actress again. She's just not very loved..."

"She's hooking up with Norman but Norman's hooking up with 55 other people."

"They were totally platonic, they were separated... She was just, there." (Art exhibit Dec 2016)

Feb 2016 - garage pap pics

(with Fatih also through this time)

March 2017 - pap walk from hell

"I'm not saying she reads the site. But, I will say a lot of publicists read the site. Whenever I have a blind about Diane Kruger and like Norman hooking up with a co-star, that he hooks up with from time to time or regularly or frequently. Whenever I write something like that, remarkably, magically she will have some kind of post, usually within hours, but always by the next day, where she's facetiming him or an instagram post talking about how much in love they are. It's always like that. You never see those posts from her until there's something negative written and then the next day boom it's there!"

(It is a definite pattern for her! She basically ignores him unless someone starts questioning her rag fake storyline of “romance.” So contrived and she is so predictable!)

"So they had their child in November of 2018. So if you backtrack that she would have gotten pregnant in what? February? January? Something like that... So, let's say they were together from December 2017 and started trying to have the baby... There is that time though were you can definitely make the case that she was with the in the fade director. And I wonder, because there are plenty of rumors, that Norman Reedus, that he got a vasectomy. Because he's having so much sex with the comic con people right? And condoms break. And he didn't want to have 50 kids running all over, dressed as Walking Dead characters. So I've always wondered I don't know chemicals or something, it's possible. Plus she's 42 and she had a miscarriage before. Which is to be expected when you're having a baby and your over 40."

(She was with Fatih most of November and nearly all of December 2017. She barely saw Norman except in Costa when she was told to bring friends because he wasn’t hanging with her. So, being that cold to her I doubt they were screwing.)

(Also remember that article saying in March of 2018 she was seen in that warehouse district with Fatih? That was right after she trolled baby bump on the set of The Operative. If she was pregnant with Norman’s kid why would she be meeting up in secret with Fatih?)

(I also have always believed he was snipped. He enjoys himself too much not to be and have no accidental kids in 20 years since planned Mingus.)

"She's always been very private about the child...And here's the thing, she has never really been private about anything! You can always get her photo, right? Streets, red carpets, she'll do it all, met gala. She very, very, much wants to have her picture taken. She's that kind of actress who needs that publicity to stay relevant. Okay? Because she has to force herself out amongst it. She's not the type of person that the paparazzi gets all excited about. So she needs to push it. She needs to push where she is. She needs to do those kind of things.

Having a child of Norman Reedus and Diane Kruger, living in New York, you push that baby out in a stoller? You're gonna get some pictures. You're going to be in the tabloids every single day. And that's the kind of thing she needs to keep her career going at 42 years old... People are interested, it's more about Norman, but they want to know about this baby.

There is a lot of speculation that he is not the dad. Sperm wise or other. And the vasectomy thing, yes you can get them reversed. But it could be, has anybody's wondered, it could be perhaps that she doesn't want the child photographed. She has done her instagram thing, 'please do not like or retweet or anything like that about photos of the baby.' And I wonder if that's because the baby doesn't exactly look like Norman. So I want to know if she used a sperm donor. And I think that it's highly likely that she did. To me that makes more sense then him reversing a vasectomy.

(I definitely 1000% believe this kid is not his. Sperm donor or surrogate still makes most sense to me. And yeah why hide the baby? She is not private at all and LOVED trolling that this was his kid when it was in her womb - supposedly. So, why hide it now? She is lying about something with this kid and if it doesn’t look like him that would definitely explain it!)

He is a kind of guy who likes to have fun. You know? If they do end up splitting I think what you'll see is.. I wonder if he'll even, if... the true tell will be if he spends a lot of time on visits and things like that, if he's co-parenting, or if he just kind of fades away.”

“I think he thinks that she's trying to hang onto him. Which may very well be. Because since the time that she's been with Norman she makes much more news. She and Josh were kind of boring. But they were there and they were taking pictures all the time and they would get themselves out. But Norman's on a whole other level because so many people are fascinated with his life and the ins and outs of it and there are all these kinds of walking dead message boards... And like I said, I get the most requests for them out of anything.

(Norman isn’t wrong. She is desperate to hang onto him. But it has nothing to do with loving him and everything to do with loving the media attention.)

But it always is, when you have actresses and actors who always get their pictures taken but then all of a sudden become reluctant when it comes to the children and then you wonder, okay is this the real children?” 

(I think he meant is this the real parent.)

“And I don't understand Diane, because Norman doesn't seem her type really. He chain smokes, he drinks every night, he's always on the road, he loves comic cons. It doesn't seem as if the parental life is for him. Ya know? He will.. He loves going back to work! In Georgia, away, he knows that Diane's not coming down to Georgia. 

(No media attention in GA and she isn’t allowed to pap the set.)

He canceled a convention he was scheduled to attend because Diane basically made him. She doesn't like him meeting the female fans. She gets super jealous. And he likes meeting the female fans. And if she keeps trying to keep him from seeing stuff, it's not gonna work.

(What’s interesting to me is it seems like he let her semi tag along for years when she didn’t say anything or bother him about his hook ups. But lately she has been getting more and more jealous - probably because she knows he has lost all interest in her, which is why she trolled the pregnancy in the first place. But, she is going to wreck herself by doing this. It is obvious Norman loves his freedom and wants to be able to do whatever the fuck he wants. The more demanding she gets the more she will push him away. 

(p.s. fuck you for making him cancel a con, jealous bitch! If you were so comitted and in love with each other he wouldn’t prefer other women to you. Face reality and fug off!)

What's interesting is when Norman goes to these comic cons, he was still wanting to take pictures with everybody, every single female fan. He was, 'take a picture, take a picture, take a picture,' he doesn't care. Now though he doesn't want the photos taken, with Diane [being so jealous], because it interferes. Because then she gives him a hard time and then he can't go. The hooking up that goes on it's just, it's crazy.”

-----

Alright! That’s what I got! I don’t know if he is going to out more or not. He seemed like he wanted to dig around and see if he could find out if she had a sperm donor. I am still on the fence about her even carrying a kid! I also wanted to know a little more about the TH. So, I guess we will have to see if he outs more!

I’ll try and get the audio up soon after I splice it into parts!

I wanna hear about Shay!!!

hell yeah you do 

here’s the Shay tag on my personal blog 

Shay is honestly my favorite OMC I’ve ever created like. he’s such a mess and he’s awful and he’s my mf baby

full legal name: Seamus Kenny (Shay hates his father with a passion and refuses to use the man’s surname. The day he turned 18, he applied to legally change his last name and uses his mother’s maiden name ‘Mulroney’) hometown: Ann Arbor, Michigan zodiac chart: aries sun, leo moon, leo venus, virgo mercury  (I said what I said) best qualities: charming, funny, playful, charismatic, confident, fun, protective, loyal as fuck when he’s actually committedworst qualities: lazy af when it comes to anything but working out or hockey or sex,  volatile, horrible temper, not only will start a fight but will gladly finish it, workaholic (tends to work out or practice to the point of making himself sick because he can’t stop hearing his father’s voice in his head telling him over and over again how he’s not enough), an absolute douchebag to 99% of girls once he’s gotten what he’s wanted (though he never makes false promises either, typically if you’re let down or disappointed it’s because you projected your own expectations onto him which he never promised to live up to)bad habits: drinks too much, speeds around town way too fast in his big black dodge ram, sleeps around a whole heck of a lot, will stay up for three days straight and then sleep for a week good at: hockey, sex, video gamesage: I typically play Shay between 18-21 character influences: nathan scott of one tree hill; chuck of between backstory: Shay’s parents had a rocky marriage founded on shaky ground that ended rather abruptly when Shay was around three. Emotionally (and often physically) abusive, Arthur Kenny (Shay’s father) was never overly loving toward his first wife and resented having to marry her after she refused to get an abortion when pregnant with Shay. He held that against Shay as well, consistently holding the boy to an impossibly high standard of perfection that was absolutely unattainable and berating him from a young age when he inevitably failed to meet expectations. 

Just after his third birthday, Arthur left Karen for his mistress when the latter became pregnant. Because Karen was unemployed and Arthur was the successful (and very wealthy) owner of a local construction company, Arthur got full custody of his son easily. Though he was always clean, fed and well dressed, Shay grew up almost on the outside of a picture perfect family. Arthur was often doting and loving towards Delilah (his second wife) and spoiled Denver (their child together) rotten. 

Unable to really see the landscape of what was going on, Denver Kenny grew up wanting to love her older brother and be loved in return. Resenting the girl for having everything he never did, their relationship was always volatile at best (but under the anger, Shay would kill for her and all his friends know better than to try anything with the girl).

Pouring all of his anger into sports and school, Shay gets near perfect grades because he doesn’t have a choice (even though he learned fairly quickly in middle school that the smarter cute girls would let him copy their homework without much fuss). He captained his high school hockey team and led the school to three state championship rings (as well as one national). 

Though his ego doesn’t allow him to take any other position besides center forward, Shay is known as one of the dirtiest checking offensive players in the midwest. He gets kicked out of games on a semi-regular basis but his fearless, fiery defense of the team when anyone takes dirty shots at them inspires fierce loyalty from the rest of the boys, who would follow him into hell. Though Arthur has successfully convinced Shay he’s shit at most things, Shay knows he was born to play hockey. Though he struggles with personal relationships and focusing when it comes to studying, hockey is the one thing he knows no one can take away from him. He doesn’t believe in underdogs or Cinderella stories. His motto is ‘work hard, win hard, play hard’.

Handsome, talented and easily the richest kid in a town far too small for his ego (or his anger), Shay grew up taking his pent up emotions out in the form of bullying around school. Though most of that changed when he hit puberty in his mid-teens and started having sex. Known as a bit of a slut with the girls around town, Shay is somewhat shameless about ‘chasing skirts’. Though his ego and perfectionist streak made him learn to be really good in bed, he tends to be an asshole after. It’s rare that Shay steadily dates anyone (plenty of girls are in love with the idea of him but very few can actually handle the basket of daddy and mommy issues this kid comes with), and when he does things tend to fizzle out after just a couple of months. 

Earning a full scholarship to Michigan University, Shay finds a lot more happiness with the freedom of college. He is absolutely a 100% backwards baseball cap wearing, beer pong playing, hung over in his best friend’s bathtub, high at denny’s at 2am laughing about nothing, gets really needy for kisses and cuddles when he’s drunk frat boy. 

My headcanon for Shay is that eventually he gets signed by the Penguins and works through most of his anger and settles down with a girl who gets his issues and isn’t afraid of them (or his ugly, dark side) and yes I love Shay Mulroney with my whole heart.  

Why you cannot be “pro life” and be a feminist

(TW: mentions of rape, abuse, gore, death and objectification may be mentioned)

Hey, you may yourself be “pro life” and have been sent this because you're a brick wall and/or this person does not have time for you or you could be an actual person with common sense and be pro choice who just wants to help grow your knowledge and understanding of the feminist movement and your debating skills. Ether way welcome, glad to have you.

I think we should disprove some idiotic points “pro life” feminists like to bring up:

“I’m fine with other women getting abortions, i just think its wrong”

*collective eye roll from all pro choicers* Alright there are two reasons i put this point first.

1. because i feel like you wouldn't even read up to this point if it weren't the first point because you're actively too lazy to read up on literally anything and 2. because i myself have had this point so much i lost count. Ill get to why abortion isn't wrong in a bit but just to say YOU’RE NOT “PRO LIFE” YOU’RE PRO CHOICE!!! The reason i said “you're actively too lazy to read up on literally anything” is because the literal definition of pro choice is

pro-choice

prəʊˈtʃɔɪs/

adjective advocating the legal right of a woman  to choose whether or not she will have an abortion.

That literally describes exactly what bs has just drivelled out your damn mouth. You're ok with a person having the choice. You seriously go and say you're pro life when you don't even know what it means. For gods sake the safari app is right there, you couldn't look something up before you embarrass yourself on the internet?

But anyway you're pro choice, pro choice means you're ok with others having the choice even if you wouldn't. Have a nice day.

“Most abortions are gender based, meaning more girls get aborted because they're girls”

Sorry but you need to get your priorities straight, there are so many things wrong with what you just said. First off, transphobia much? Second, I along with anyone with morals would place a fully grown pregnant person with responsibilities, relationships and memories over that of something that is about as alive as a blade of grass that has a vagina. Do you think that a person with a uterus is lesser than something that is barely alive? yeah......... yeah thats why you're not a feminist.

But anyway i don't think you know what gender based abortions really happen for. 99% of the time gender based abortions are in places where the parents are desperate for a boy and cannot have more than one or two children. Places such as china with its one child policy. The parents want to continue the family last name and also continue the businesses (because businesses are usually passed down from father to son). China is flooded with parentless girls already because so many parents abandon them because they wanted a boy, we don't need to add that.

Im in no way ok with gender based abortions but because these people are so desperate to have a boy if abortion became illegal in counties like these violence against women and death of women via massive blood loss with increase rapidly due to coat hanger abortions and husbands hitting their wives in hope to kill the foetus. It’s ether you're ok with violence and horrific torture of millions of people world wide or you're gonna let people have abortions when they need ones.

Hey heres an idea, instead of taking away a right to abortion from women, why don't you do what most feminists who aren't lazy do and try to get rid of the patriarchal idealistic surrounding gender based abortions. Thats actually useful and helps us get to equality, while being anti abortion stops that.

“Some abortions harm women!!!”

According the the NHS (the uk healthcare service) 1 in 1000 legal and medical abortions cause damage to the uterus in abortions carried out between 12-24 weeks. Most of these damages are mild infections that can be treated with antibiotics. 

Id also like to remind you that illegal abortions cause wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more damage to someones uterus than a safe and legal one. So your argument is kinda stupid. Like “some women are hurt by legal abortions so lets make it illegal and have EVERY woman be hurt but abortions! I'm fighting for women rights here guys trust me.” Birth is much more dangerous than abortion as well.

Also.... if you're talking about emotional harm...95% of people don't regret their abortion.

“Its against my religion”

Your religion applies to you, not others. NEXT.

“It doesn't say anywhere that I have to be pro choice to be a feminist”

I’m sorry do you have anything in that thick skull of yours?

feminismˈfɛmɪnɪz(ə)m/

noun

the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.

Newsflash, you can’t advocate for equality when you see women as incubators. Also, yes you do see women as incubators. You think that if a person gets pregnant and doesn't want it or finds out that it is horrifically deformed or already dead that they should  keep it and have it. You’re kidding me right? That is the most misogynistic and sexist thing I have ever heard and its is 100% what you're ok with.

Let me tell you what you're also ok with that is completely anti feminist:

1. Child abuse

I will get into that next

2. Back ally/coat hanger abortions

You're pro people getting hurt via illegal abortions. You're ok with people killing themselves via mass blood loss all because you're selfish enough ignore their desperation. Have you read the stories of illegal abortions before it was legal? They're horrific. You're no feminist if you're ok with pregnant people killing themselves because a right was taken away from them.

3. Rape

No one consents to rape. Its kinda like someone stabs someone else and you tell the person who was stabbed “Don't go to the hospital! You'll be fine! You can handle it.” No one should be forced to continue a pregnancy if they didn't consent to becoming pregnant. you're no feminist if you think people should suffer like that and drag their trauma out. You're punishing people for being raped. Thats worse than victim blaming. Sick.

4. Self harm

People throw themselves down the stairs, punch themselves and even starve themselves to kill the foetus. Why should they be subjected to that when they could have a safe one? You're evil if you think people should be hurt for accidentally getting themselves pregnant then you're no feminist.

5. Poverty

Do you know how much a child costs? $14,000 per year. If you're working a minimum wage job which pays $15,080 per year, thats not good news for you. The fact you’re fine with single mothers or fathers struggling to feed themselves all because of a mistake they made once is NOT ok in any way.

6. People loosing their right to education

You're ok with people missing valuable education time because they need to look after their child and/or give birth? Resulting in them severely denting their life which links to argument 5. ...You’re getting what i mean now right?

7. CHILDREN.BEING.TRAUMATISED.AND.HURT

A 12 year old being forced to have a child isn't ok sorry. There is no way you're in the right for saying they should. Their body isn't built to have a child yet so they're more likely to die or be in immense pain. The labour will be way way way longer than an adults. If you think a child should be put through that, what is wrong with you? You’re so evil I cannot muster and you're the exact opposite of a feminist.

8. The objectification of women

By forcing people to go through with pregnancies you're feeding the patriarchal idea that women are here to give birth to and look after children. You're saying that women are incubators and exist to be impregnated. You're saying that women are lesser than something that doesn't know it’s alive and that she is a slave to the person who got her pregnant and the thing inside her. Thats like so unfeminist its amazing. Thanks.

“Why can’t they just give it for adoption?”

The percentage of adopted children who are abuse is 25%. 25%!!!!! Children who are adopted are also more likely to have depression and commit suicide. In fact, if you're a foster child you're 4 times more likely to commit suicide than a child with a known birth parent. Gay parents are also allowed to be refused to adopt my some agencies, where are you yelling about that? Why are you telling people not to abort when you should be protesting this abuse and homophobia? You're telling me you'd rather see a child suffer and have their whole life messed up than just let a person have an abortion? You're sick.

“Im only ok with it if it’s rape”

So a person has to have their body violated for them to get the rights to it? Consent to sex is NOT consent to pregnancy. Condom effectiveness have gone down to 85%. Its kinda like saying that you're only ok with STD medication if it was due to rape. You can consent to sex but not being infected, so its not their fault. So thats the same with being pregnant.

“I think people should take responsibility for their actions”

Well, they are. Aborting the foetus is taking responsibility for their action. And its rather anti feminist of you to think people should be punished for life because of a mistake.

“Its my choice to be pro life and feminism gives you the right to chose what you believe”

That sentence was a direct contradiction to what you believe. Feminism gives you the right to choose yes but who are you to feel that you can take away that same right to choose to other women. Are you that entitled that you think your choice to be “pro life” is greater than other peoples right to a choice? 

Your choice to be pro life is also not feminist at all. Kinda like me saying I'm pro lgbt but then kicking my child out if they're gay.  People choose to be racist, people choose to be homophobes. Your choice is your choice yes but everyone has a right to tell you why that choice is wrong.

“But babies are cute!”

...okay...? First off, that shit isn’t a baby. It’s a cluster of cells or a foetus. Second, what does that matter? Something being cute doesn’t put it on some kinda pedestal. I like boa constrictors are cute, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t shoot one in the face if it was trying to constrict my friend.

A thing being cute doesn’t make it more important. In fact it’s very ignorant of you to say that something being cute puts it above others.

You're not a feminist. Just say you hate people with uteruses and go

The Burden of Perceived Motherhood

What is a woman’s life worth, outside of her ability to have children or conceive? Seemingly nothing. Who is a woman, if not a mother or a potential mother? Seemingly no one. This is, by and large, the average belief held by the average person. It may not be so blatant with some, but the fact of the matter is that the majority of people – whether they be religious or not, feminist or not, progressives or conservatives – refuse to detach motherhood from womanhood. How can you be a woman if you are not a mother, and do not want to be one? This insidious attitude rests within the societal collective mind, popping up in various forms and demanding that we as women must adhere to our “biological destiny”. This malignant and pervasive perspective tells a woman she must have children – it’s expected of her to want them, to seek out a future of births and diapers and raising babies – and if this woman does not want this for herself, this perception tells her that she is too stupid to understand her own wants and needs. Silly woman,you don’t know yourself that well. Stupid woman, you don’t understand the kind of decision you’re making.

It is, frankly, insulting.

I very recently experienced something rather troubling; a reminder of the adamant belief held by most that a woman’s fate rests in her uterus. I call this belief perceived motherhood – where people expect you to have a child even when you don’t want one. They belittle you by insisting that you don’t know what you actually want out of life. This happened to me not from strangers, or religious fanatics, but my own self-proclaimed and otherwise liberal ‘friends’. These two friends – one a woman (W) and one a man (M) – are people who have known me for nearly a decade. I have been adamantly childfree for longer than that. This is something about my own life that I’ve been incredibly vocal and steadfast about. I have never wavered in my decision to refrain from procreating, nor will I. They know this. Yet what they said to me was a supremely hurtful reminder that to many I’m not a person – just an incubator.

It started with the both of them saying that they could see me having children, but only boys. Something about me, my personality, screamed baby boys. At this early point in the conversation, I was fine and playing along, even if I did disagree. It was all in good spirit anyways – just playful ribbing. Except that it wasn’t. What I thought were silly jokes was actually a deeply rooted belief that they both held that I would be a mother one day, no matter what. When they said to me, “Yeah, A, you’re totally gonna have boys.” I replied, “No, not this womb. Closed for business!”

They pushed. W: “You say that, but you’re wrong! People always have ironic stuff happen to them, like my aunt. She made fun of my mom for having an ugly baby, and then BAM – she was the one with the ugly baby.”

M: “Yeah, you’re gonna find a man who dicks you so good that you’ll keep the baby.”

At this point, although I was getting agitated, I continued to play along because I still thought they were teasing me. I never would’ve guessed that my own longtime friends thought so little of me, or of my values and wants. I said to them, “Maybe you guys don’t understand English as well as I thought ya’ll did. NO –” I pointed to my lower stomach “– salida!”

M: “No, A, you’re gonna find a man and he’s gonna get you pregnant. You’re gonna have kids.”

A: “I’ll abort them. They ain’t surviving the wasteland of my vagina.”

R: “No, see, they’re gonna be like Charlie [Kelly; a character from ‘It’s Always Sunny’]. The abortion won’t take. You’ll try and try and he’ll live. You won’t abort him because you can’t.”

A: “Nope, not happening. There isn’t a sperm strong enough out there to survive my kind of abortion – it’s not gonna happen.”

This, unbelievably, went on for some time. There even came a point where R said to me verbatim, “Look at your boobs, those were made for milking.” and Z agreed, saying, “Yeah, you can feed, like, six kids with those.”

Milking. Because I’m an animal. Not a person. Because my large breasts make me unfit for anything but childrearing. To them, I’m a pair of tits and ass (or rather, tits and vag).

I wanted the conversation to end. I was uncomfortable, flabbergasted by the ‘milking’ comment and frankly so done with the topic of children. I just wanted to go home. But they continued, bringing up with delight scenarios in which I would be forced to have children against my will.

Yes, you read that right. My own friends excitedly told me about a variety of futures in which I was forced to carry a child to term – and bear the burden of all the consequences associated with pregnancy and birth. To any rational person, that should be considered utterly heinous. Oftentimes, many abusers will sabotage forms birth control and force their wives or girlfriends to carry a child to term in order to further entangle them in the relationship. The unfortunate woman is more reluctant, or even outright unable to leave the volatile, unhealthy relationship when a child is involved. In some ways, forced birth can even be considered rape. At it’s core, it’s a violation of a person’s basic human rights: the right to choose what happens to their own body.

R said to me, “Ohh, what if you’re in a coma and you’re pregnant and you have kids like that! Or like ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ [a show we’d both been watching, about a religious society which takes away women’s rights and forces them to be sex slaves with the ultimate goal of birth] where you have sex with three different men before you get pregnant [referencing how, in the show, if the slaves don’t give birth after 3 “assignments” they get shuttled off to a radioactive wasteland to die] –”

At this point I cut her off. I’d had enough; I was blind with rage at the references to The Handmaid’s Tale. Fury flowed through me at the thought that my ‘friends’ were so desperate to see me have children that my forced pregnancy was a happy and likely scenario to them (remember, they were talking about how everyone has ‘ironic’ lives). This wasn’t joking anymore; it wasn’t even joking to begin with, really. Because they have said before that they just can’t see me as anything but a mother. And that night, they were saying it again – but with a fervor and insistency that both angered and frightened me.

I told them off. I told them that I was not getting pregnant because I hate the idea of being a mother. I see pregnant women and I get angry (this is an issue due to my own upbringing; I’ll get to it soon). I think of pregnancy and I want to vomit. I absolutely 100% abhor the idea of a parasite growing inside of me, feeding on my body, my nutrients, crushing my organs and generally fucking with me.

I’ve been forced to care for my younger sibling as though I was her mother from a very young age; when I was older, I was forced to care for my ailing parents alongside my sibling. I’ve never been allowed to be a child. I’ve never been given the opportunity to have fun and live life carefree, without any worry. Many of my peers were able to be young and enjoy it. I had to sacrifice all that so my family wouldn’t suffer. I couldn’t go to college, I couldn’t seek out a career that I enjoyed. Ultimately, I couldn’t even enjoy my own earnings because they went to caring for my brat sister and my parents who, in their senility, were reverting to child-like thinking and mannerisms. In essence, I was a mother of three.

Let me tell you now, with full conviction and in all sincerity and seriousness: I despise having dependents. I never, EVER want to be in a situation where someone needs me or they’ll die/suffer again. The stress of doing what I had to do gave me moderate depression. I was hospitalized, constantly felt despair and anguish, and felt like there was no hope for me. I could not live the life I wanted, or be the person that I truly was, because of my dependents.

I hate it, and I will do anything to avoid it happening again.

I also grew up in a Muslim household, with a fanatical family who frequently told me (among other disgusting things) that I am destined to be a mother, and that if I won’t bear children no man will want me; I will die alone and unhappy. I both reject and detest the sentiment – I am a person outside of my ability or willingness to conceive.

Furthermore, I have experienced some of the things the women in The Handmaid’s Tale do. I was almost a teen bride, the only thing standing in the way was my father miraculously saying no, he wouldn’t sell me to a stranger just yet. I have visited my parent’s country of origin and was forced to wear hijab. In that country, I was subjected to a number of demeaning things, such as a curfew, not being allowed entrance to places, being hit, being threatened with violence, being told not to entice men by crossing my legs – you get the idea.

I remember encountering so many women who were my age at the time (15) and even younger being married off. I remember meeting a woman who was married to a man three times her age when she was twelve years old; at the time she was in her early thirties, and had continued the tradition with her own daughters. She became a great-grandmother in my time there. Above all, I experienced people from every side hounding on me that I was a woman, therefore I would also be a mother. No matter what. Womanhood = motherhood. I, apparently, could not be one without the other. These are things about my past my friends know, which is why their comments hurt me so much.

I know what I want for myself. I don’t want children. I won’t have them. I sincerely believe in the phrase “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”. I am a human being, with certain inalienable rights. One of these rights is to choose what happens to my body. I can be an organ donor. I can get buried instead of cremated. I can have tattoos and cut my hair. And, ultimately, I can choose to never have my womb put to use. I knew, from the ripe old age of eleven, that I didn’t want to be a mother. Just about everything else in my life that I’ve experienced has reinforced this.

I shouldn’t even have to say why I don’t want children. It should be as simple as “I don’t want them” and that’s that. But instead, people hound and badger and question – and in doing so, belittle those they are speaking to. As I said earlier, it is evident that women, though we may have our rights in the western world, are still thought of primarily as mothers.

I am a person god fucking damn it! I am a person, first and foremost, and my life has value and meaning outside of children. I can impact society for the better without being a mother. I can accomplish great feats without being a mother. I can learn and create and help society and people progress – all without ever having given birth. And even if I don’t do these things, my life holds meaning. I’m important, not because I’m a potential mother, but because I am a human being.

I am intelligent, I am caring and creative and enjoy history and want to work for the CDC or the WHO one day. I want to be a part of the trips to Mars. I like writing fiction. Noir is one of my favorite genres. I like fashion and minimalism and want to better myself physically and mentally. I see many futures and possibilities for myself. I hope I can become a scientist, like I want. I hope I can help eradicate disease.

I am a person, simple as that. Kids don’t make me who I am. I have worth, by virtue of being me. No one can take that from me. No one will.

I stand strong in the face of this burden of perceived motherhood because I know who I am, I know what I want out of life, and no one is going to take my liberty from me.

“I am the master of my fate

 I am the captain of my soul”

 -         ‘Invictus’, William Ernest Henley