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dissociacrip · 5 months

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i have an undiagnosed CTD and i feel u big time RE visible signs of aging and not having the opportunity to experience youth etc. and seeing posts dismissive of people using anti aging stuff. idk this ask is dumb but you’re like the only other person w a CTD who’s talked about signs of aging. other folks in the EDS community talk about ‘looking younger than their age’ bc of their smooth baby skin and it’s like lol can’t relate cuz i have visible smile lines, prematurely sagging skin and crows feet already. just makes me feel like utter shit. yknow.

i mean full transparency i am someone who gets told i look younger than i actually am (which probably contributes to the neuroses i have around aging because it's like "okay i'm still young i can still experience what i should have" lmao) and upon some slight research most of what i'm freaking out about might just be normal signs of aging that i'm having neuroses over because i have neuroses about aging in general. but also that slight research tells me the super prominent lines in my neck i've had since early high school aren't a part of normal aging (they're associated with posture and it's another thing that is associated w/ ~looking down at devices~ like reduced cervical lordosis is...but reduced cervical lordosis due to shit posture is something associated w/ hypotonia and my posture has, well, been irreparably shit since always), my face does seem like it sags ever so slightly but not to any major degree, i'm starting to get wrinkles between my brows, and idk how "normal" my hands look for my age (or in general) because i don't have a frame of reference:

like, i think i am mainly just being neurotic and i don't wanna pretend i'm at the same level as other people i've seen w/ more significant appearance changes due to disability because that feels dishonest. this probably looks pretty benign lol.

but as for why no one talks about this in the EDS community/EDS spaces on social media:

1. hEDS most common subtype, so

2. mainly dominated by people with hEDS, which

3. is a subtype that is typically associated with a non-significant degree of skin involvement; skin manifestations in hEDS tend to be mild vs. other subtypes (such as vEDS, where skin fragility is the most extreme), and

3. these people tend to center their own experiences with the hypermobile subtype of EDS and usually do not boost the voices or experiences of those w/ less common subtypes that are associated with more severe skin manifestations, which

4. is fucking annoying when it comes to things that blatantly disregard the fact that hEDS is not the only form of EDS and reducing EDS to joint problems which is a major facet of most forms of EDS and can be severely disabling, as well as progressive, but EDS is a complex condition because it affects much more than the joints (and some forms are associated w/ much less joint involvement, while others are associated with some joints being contractured rather than hypermobile!)

but like. looseness of the skin/face is collagen related. it's ligaments. my ligaments are already loose and my collagen doesn't (seemingly) work. on top of me having muscles that are also overly loose. i'm pulled down my gravity too much as it is. i hate that i lost so much time to my abusers. i want to be 20 or 21 again so that i'm around the same age as most of the friends i've made here instead of feeling like a weird outlier. it sucks. everything sucks.

this isn't a dumb ask at all but this response might be pretty dumb because it's mostly me being neurotic and still recovering from a mental episode and feeling guilty because it feels like i've been misleading while not meaning to. sorry. the dominance of people with hEDS in EDS circles is annoying as hell and alienating to a lot of people both within and without it and that's a big reason why i don't interact much with it anymore.

#asks #Anonymous #body log

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melias-cimitiere · 3 years

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MINORITY REPORT

People who are interested in being honest, true to themselves and to others, eager to learn truth about things (scientific, historical, etc) and acquire knowledge, please keep reading. Everyone else, carry on with your daily activities; this article will clearly not impact on you in any positive way.

There has been a growing concern during the last few years that people have a tendency to “save the tree and burn the forest”; this is a mentality of gross generalizations, over-simplistic attitudes towards right and wrong, and superficial ideological bubbles that do not take into account reality. When historical truth is no longer convenient, when people forget the right use of words and terms and come up with the trendy, politically correct speech while disregarding the established definitions, then watch out: Big Brother is about (the 1984 George Orwell concept).

Minorities’ rights

There is a large number of people who tend to be sympathetic towards any groups, just because they are labelled as a minority. Instead of examining what they stand for and who they truly are (given a historical perspective), they moralize on their behalf and fiercely try to protect them, with a simplistic and gullible attitude. Let’s try and ask some basic questions:

Are their rights more/less important than anyone else’s?

We should be talking about human rights, and not minorities’ rights. If these groups are human groups, then they have some rights; these rights are protected by United Nations and various Constitutions, and political assemblies worldwide, and any proven violation is condemned. Why should any human group have more (or less) rights than any other group?

Are the minorities always correct?

Of course not. Whoever believes this tends to be extremely naïve. For example, amidst the minorities hide some rather loathsome groups (or individuals), such as Nazis, KKK, international terrorists (like Isil/Isis/Daesh, Al-Qaeda etc). And what about the minority groups of suicide cults, slavery rings, drug-dealers, “black market” merchants (of weapons, substances, toxins, organs etc)? What about serial killers or pedophiles? As you can see, membership in a minority group doesn’t automatically make you correct in all things.

Issue of historical guilt

What is trendy or fashionable doesn’t make it necessarily better or right. Nowadays it is not trendy or fashionable to expose certain historical facts because certain groups feel discomfort. This is not new; in fact, it has been an issue with history and with science since the very beginning. When Galileo showed the Earth is round and spins around itself, it caused certain “waves”; people even demanded his death. We still have the Flat Earth Society despite scientific evidence of the contrary. With regards to history and warfare, you will not find any parties that are not guilty. In fact, nearly every nation in the world has committed atrocities, vandalism, slavery, aggressive occupation and its army/warriors raping innocent victims etc. In the history of Mankind there are very few true innocents.

If we do not acknowledge such occurrences as inherent in human nature and as potential threats for everyone, we are doomed to repeat them in the future. Fascism and Nazism is not only a German thing; Slavery isn’t just a “white thing”; Colonialism isn’t just a British thing. We need to address the issues, recognize and study what makes these happen, and confront them. We must all stand united against this, and not devolve into group mentality and us against the others. We need to challenge our own mindset and free ourselves from pre-conceived ideas. Minorities get overly sensitive when people criticize certain behaviors or the past. And yet, how can one hope to be free from prejudice, when one refuses to see the truth, opting to be part of the herd?

What is Racism?

“Prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized.”

“The belief that different races possess distinct characteristics, abilities, or qualities, especially so as to distinguish them as inferior or superior to one another.”

[Oxford Dictionary]

“policies, behaviours, rules, etc. that result in a continued unfair advantage to some people and unfair or harmful treatment of others based on race”.

Also:

“harmful or unfair things that people say, do, or think based on the belief that their own race makes them more intelligent, good, moral, etc. than people of other races”.

[Cambridge University]

So as you can see, racism doesn’t have to do with minorities specifically. Minority groups can also be racist to majority groups, or some nations/people claim to be superior or “God’s chosen” while this is blatantly racist and, by definition, a harmful and unfair behavior. On a final note, just because certain groups have been persecuted historically, this doesn’t justify them to persecute others while claiming to be victims of racism, as this would be hypocrisy.

What is Discrimination? How is it different to Prejudice?

1. “The unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people, especially on the grounds of race, age, sex, or disability.”

2. “Recognition and understanding of the difference between one thing and another”.

Usually people tend to forget the second definition, and over time, discrimination becomes something negative. What about, “a discriminative mind is a mark of wisdom?” Should you not pick and choose according to preference? Are all things the same? Obviously not. Prejudice, on the other hand, is always negative. It is wrong in so many ways to be prejudiced against people of any group; this doesn’t just apply to minorities. However, that doesn’t mean that a person cannot choose what he/she prefers. Preference is an act of freedom.

Some groups seem to imply that if a person says that he/she is heterosexual, that it means that they are homophobic. I hate prejudice; I support equal rights. I also fully support the second definition of discrimination; I do this all the time. I choose what I like to eat, where to hang out and who to have sex with. I have specific gender preferences; my choices don’t make me phobic of the other minority groups (another wrong use of the word phobic, meaning fear of something. Not wanting to have sex with specific types of peoples doesn’t mean I fear them, it simply means that I don’t like it and I prefer something else). I also choose what to read, what to reject, what kinds of music or movies to watch and so on. I’m sure you do all that too. So remember to use the words correctly.

What is antisemitism?

Semitic groups have been known to spread to a vast region in the Eastern Mediterranean all the way down to the Persian Gulf. Examples are: the Canaanites, the Akkadians, the Babylonians, and the Chaldeans that settled the Mesopotamian South where the Euphrates empties into the Gulf (from the tribe Kaldu – a Semitic tribe from the Amorites), the Jebusites, the Jewish tribes, the Arameans, and many more. So to pick just one of them and say it is the only Semitic group is doing disservice to the rest and is also appropriating people’s ethnic background.

Also, just because several of these groups were historically persecuted (Jews, Palestinians, small minorities in Iraq and Syria, etc) doesn’t give them immunity from blame when they are the ones committing crimes of racism or persecution. It has become a common thing in certain places from the Levant that one cannot bring about anything in discussion relating history or politics, from fear of offending their sensibilities. This has to stop. People should be freely discussing their opinions, and with the right evidence, they should be able to accept new data. Believing that people from minorities have indemnity from scrutiny is a naïve and socially dangerous stance.

Stereotyping and Reverse Pendulum Mentality

Protect battered mothers / women (but not battered fathers / men?)

Protect raped females (but what about raped males?)

Protect a specific group of a certain ethnic background while turning a blind eye towards other groups of different backgrounds whose rights are violated.

A child goes first (but what about elderly, mentally ill etc which are categories often neglected?)

Homophobic is a bad thing (and not heterophobic?)

A group or groups of different gender definitions must be protected (but shouldn’t all people’s choices on this matter be protected, no matter what?)

It is common, when society realizes that the rights of a certain minority have been violated (ie in the case of persecution, slavery, racist hostility and even killings because of that like the pogroms against Jews and other races), that society goes overboard and through overprotecting, refuse even the slightest of blame, even in documented cases. And yet, there have been plenty of people belonging to minority groups who were guilty of various crimes, including slavery, discrimination or collaborating with the enemy (and all these have been documented also). Minorities can easily become oppressors and they have done so, from ancient to modern times, as any student of history can testify.

Politically correct

We need to see some definitions of this; in the past, I used to pay a lot of notice and try to accommodate to that standard. Not so much now, and I will explain why.

“The avoidance of forms of expression or action that are perceived to exclude, marginalize, or insult groups of people who are socially disadvantaged or discriminated against.” [Oxford dictionary]

“Conforming to a belief that language and practices which could offend political sensibilities (as in matters of sex or race) should be eliminated” [Merriam-Webster]

“Someone who is politically correct believes that language and actions that could be offensive to others, especially those relating to sex and race, should be avoided.” [Cambridge University]

So look again the above definitions and note the words ‘perceived’ in the first, ‘conforming to a belief’ in the second, and ‘believes’ in the third. All these are subjective, thus arbitrary. If one wishes to be well-behaved, then by all means, one should take into account the sensibilities of others over various issues. However, in matters of spirituality, philosophy, history or science, one should care more about the objective truth and less about how people feel about certain aspects of the truth.

Examples include some of the following:

How many people died in a genocide (numbers differ according to which side you ask);

Is a certain behavior sign/symptom of mental illness (again, the psychiatrists will often tell a different story compared to members of various groups);

Are all people equal? (This often gets mistranslated as an inflammatory comment, aiming to annoy others meaning that they don’t deserve equal opportunities and rights. I am talking about people being equal in skills, IQ, innate abilities etc. Anyone who believes they are equal, must believe in that the humans are a race of robots coming from the same factory and production line.)

Thought Police vs Right to Free Speech

Seeking to prevent possible injustices before they even occur… seems pro-active and good, doesn’t it? Has anyone watched the film, Minority Report? If no, watch it. What about, Fahrenheit 451? Another excellent film (a bit old but a masterpiece). Do you believe in freedom? Can you say what you think without fear? Ask yourself if you should double-guess yourself every time you need to say or write something. People around you are a varied lot; many will not agree with what you say or do. Should you be made to feel intimidated by that? I don’t think so. You have a right to believe what you want and also your freedom of speech is safeguarded by the constitution.

Cultural Appropriation

A touchy subject for a lot of people. “Closed religions”? Kabbalah, deities, voodoo, Hindu beliefs, Native Indian spirit animals etc… the list goes on and on. Are we serious here? I mean, who makes these things up? Wake up people! There is NO closed religion. If a spiritual person or a person with respect approaches a concept or a deity/spirit and that deity/spirit accepts them, then it’s not up to the people to judge badly and condemn this approach! I can (and do) use whatever I want; my judgement is all I need, and that makes me a free man. Please, do not bend to such criticism; learn to think for yourselves. Learn, and experience things directly, if possible. You are born Free, like me. Do not bend to slave mentalities.

Constitutional Rights

Lastly, a bit of the obvious. Surely you are aware that any constitution of a country where there’s democracy and not a totalitarian regime safeguards certain freedoms. One of them is the right to think, speak, write and believe freely. Read up on your rights! Don’t take for granted what other people want you to believe; research yourself and then put them in their place. Protect those rights. People died to establish and to protect them in the past; now you got the ball, it’s your call.

#rights #minorities #stereotypes #appropriation #free speech #thought police #discrimination #prejudice #racism #constitutional freedom

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littlebabycrybtch · 3 years

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internet pleading session number 2 billion;;; for the love of god stop allowing ableism. stop leaving disability and mental illness allyship out of your activism. im dealing with this shit EVERY SINGLE day and so much of it is just inexcusable laziness and selfishness on the part of ignorant self proclaimed activists like. holy shit it is getting so. Unbearably fucking bad. i dont understand how ppl in modern day are letting it get this bad. its never been Good obviously but its like,,, we were being included in activism topics for a while and gaining a lot of traction with everybody else when all of a sudden smth happened (cringe culture) ((aka the normalization of validating whiny unnecessary judgments)) and we got totally left behind and ppl even turned on us. wtf like?? whats wrong with us when was there a meeting where yall unanimously decided we’re being kicked out of the ‘caring abt this groups Oppression’ board like. a lot of yall CONTRIBUTE TO IT? what right do you feel you have to act this way to us?????? holy shit stop abandoning us please im begging this shit is too hard to deal with like stop idk what on gods green fucking earth we are actually doing to you to make yall turn on us like htis and leave us and our oppression at Your Hands completely out of your mind but im tired of the utter disrespect and disregard for what i deal with. i fucking hate it here like jkshdfjksdf yall its hell enough to just Be autistic and/or psychotic .... its almost unfathomably cruel to just. be SO hateful abt that and not give a shit. idc if its weird or makes you uncomfortable bitch ur grown get over it!! im the one dealing with it firsthand!!!! ive had too many crying meltdowns asking why i was ‘made like this’, wondering what kind of punishment im going through to be put somewhere i literally am not meant to be, where every part of how i work is different than most other people, where im told to exist where nothing exists for me and no one will care, just to have everybody talking about ‘progress’ while they let ableism run literally RAMPANT with people saying the r word and making memes out of our severe psychological distress and trauma.

idc what anybody says about that stupid ass faux offense ‘you cant compare oppressions’ topic anymore bc tbh i NEED YOU , im begging bc i NEED YOU TO HELP ME AND SUPPORT ME for gods sake, and i dont really KNOW how to DO that anymore so like. yes im ‘comparing’ ableism to other shit yall care about, and asking outright why you Presume you get to think we’re different. why our history of forced lifelong imprisonment in asylums, our eugenics and experimentation, our still modern day medical abuse, parental abuse, and social abuse, is Different and Does Not Have To Matter Just Bc You Dont Want It To. if you can call people out for saying other slurs you can call out the r slur! you literally are showing you have the capabilities to do this, but just dont care abt us specifically!! that's FUCKED and you should know it!! if you openly fight back against disrespect towards the minorities you respect, but laugh at or even are part of the people mocking the cringe nd people, you are a self serving piece of shit!! we deserve respect. we deserve basic human respect no matter what, and we deserve more considering how much blood yall allistics and non psychotics have on your hands. i mean for gods sake how is that ignored, how does our shit mean absolutely Nothing to you!!! its one thing to have to deal with it, to be blatantly shown OVER and OVER again how LITTLE people can care, how they cant even BRING themselves to TOLERATE caring... thats whats so damaging. thats the real shit that makes me wish i wasnt me or wasnt here, bc god... i KNOW i cant even SAY smth like that, like ‘i wanna die’ without someone out there reading fighting back a giggle. without expecting an insult. cuz im an embarassing fucking r*tard whos display of feelings is just fucking weird and uncomfortable for people. im a stupid weird ass different ass bitch and no one feels they should have to care abt anything im going through bc im not easy to vibe with. and especially when my pleas for respect are like This, long and ranty and ~irrational~. bro. i try. how. the fuck am i supposed to Stay rational. im being Tormented day in and day out, and left to my own devices by ppl i thought would stay by my side. i feel like im losing my mind dealing with this alone......... so my question is, to all the ppl who call themselves a decent person. where are you hiding from this topic. where on earth ARE you guys lmao fuck

#long post

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firjii · 4 years

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Boomers are autistic/ADHD too

Yanno what I’m just saying it and maybe I’ll get called a traitor or whatever but that doesn’t stop this from being a distinct possibility: there’s a lot of untreated, undiagnosed, unacknowledged ADHD and autism among boomers. I notice it every single day and I can’t believe more people don’t talk about it.

Stay with me because this gets long.

They didn’t know shit for shit about the brain when boomers were children. Hyper or “disobedient” children were beaten or given some other utterly useless and frequently detrimental punishment. Institutionalization was considered totally acceptable in moderately severe autism cases. Therapy as we know it was typically reserved for people who were so cripplingly traumatized in some way that there was literally no other choice. It was usually damage control after the fact, not intervention.

Yes, autism and ADHD have some form of research history spanning several centuries, but your average regular person didn’t know that (and still doesn’t always, since the 20th century is often egregiously known as the century of “new” medical “fads”). Your average doctor didn’t necessarily know about it. It was a relatively fringe topic, so not all psychiatrists/psychologists learned it because it was a blip (or nothing) on the syllabus unless maybe you were specializing in children or developmental disabilities (and there......really weren’t a lot of either such specialist up to a certain point :///).

Everyone else affected by it but deemed functional or marriable enough to try living in the world just dealt with it, for better and worse. Many of the blatantly obvious signs we now use for diagnosis were lumped in as a personality type/trait at best or an intelligence marker at worst.

And I get where that comes from......sort of. Brian is a persistently loud talker, Amy is deeply claustrophobic, Sam gets nervous easier than some other people, Alex needs a tiny bit more time to hand copy an address. Who is ND on closer investigation? Maybe all, maybe none. You can show a few signs without them being part of a big dire diagnosis conspiracy. Far be it for me to try to call someone something they’re not.

But given how many people are disregarded or misdiagnosed in general for anything medically-related whatsoever, it’s too easy to use that line of thought to dismiss a legitimate case or just plain avoid a problem.

Some affected boomers thrived and found careers that valued (and even normalized!!) hyperfocusing, attention to detail, channeled hyperactivity, etc. (LOOKIN AT YOU, COMPUTER ENGINEERS AND VARIOUS TECHIE INVENTORS). Some of them had/have somewhat chaotic or strained home lives, but for all intents and purposes, they do or have done at least some of what they wanted to in life.

But many others didn’t. Think about all the kids who were called “unteachable” so they barely finished high school (for fuck’s sake it was hard to even get humane tutoring for dyslexia), could barely ever keep a job, and in some cases weren’t truly prepared for having kids because they struggled to take care of themselves as it was.

Think about the stay-at-home moms who turned into lowkey addicts or alcoholics to escape feelings of uselessness/insignificance simply because sometimes they forgot to or couldn’t do something that day and everyone around them shamed them about all those little things for years or decades. We like to joke about yuppy drunks (and yes that was/is a real problem), but it wasn’t always about disgusting social habits.

Many of that generation blames the problems they’re dealing with right now on age, and that’s a close enough approximation in practice that a lot of people don’t dispute it. To be fair, age does really do that shit to people: you forget things easier, you can’t always finish a task but you’re not sure why, you don’t always have the energy you want/need, etc. Sometimes age is just age.

But I remember differently. I remember seeing those things because I was dealing with them too and couldn’t understand why the grownups were so upset at themselves when actually mistake XYZ wasn’t really a huge crisis and wasn’t a big deal – because there were double standards, both external and self-imposed. No one questioned them much with me – a small child at the time – but they were a big shitting deal when it came to an outwardly functional adult. I remember all the oddities, quirks, and problems that these people were dealing with as young as their late 30s in some cases.

That’s not age, it’s a goddamn brain issue. Age is now complicating things, yes. But so many want to pretend that they were completely normal before they turned 50 or 60 or whatever, at which point they promptly and swiftly had an overnight change. That’s not fair to anyone. It’s emotionally ruthless and medically sloppy, and yet a lot of them go on believing it anyway.

I genuinely feel that this is a reason why some boomers are so baffled or disbelieving of ND issues in their own kids and their kids’ kids. They can sometimes see younger generations’ problems in their own lives and even relate to them, but they’re so used to it – and in many cases, got zero help in learning how to manage it – that they don’t get what the big deal is about shoehorning people into miserable, unhealthy, or borderline hazardous life patterns. They assume that the massive struggle, intense frustration, and subsequent other negative health side effects are just….part of life and you either sink or swim.

And I…....kinda get that mentality because putting stock in “no excuses” does push some people to do better?? And yes you should be mindful of self-imposed excuses stopping you from doing things??

But now that overall lack of acknowledgement means that we have multiple generations who still default to believing that most of their problems are solely voluntary and conscious decisions, always and exclusively their own fault, something that they “could” just walk away from forever if they “chose” to.

We have multiple generations who still assume that they’re alone in their problems and even that they kind of deserve shitty or abusive behavior from others because they’re “bad” and “should have seen it coming” or “need to smarten up.”

We have children and grown-ass adults alike who are totally unprepared to deal with lifelong problems on top of things like broken economies and increasingly demanding neurotypicals’ social standards (because yeah, even though us younger folks warmly welcome things like the shift from calling to texting, that can still reach absurd levels of maintenance and anxiety because now the older generations assume that just because a few people are extremely “with it” that the rest of us are too).

And all because some people are so terrified of labels that they’re also willing to totally deny the existence of some very real medical stuff even though they themselves might be dealing with it.

I’m not trying to excuse crappy parents, bad home environments, bad education experiences, or anything else negative. I’m also not trying to blame all of psychology’s faults on one generation.

I’m just saying that it’s not that surprising if you really stop and think about it.

Psychology and neurology have come a long way in a fairly short time (granted it still needs to go much further, but at least we’ve started) and it kinda makes you wonder if things would be different now if our parents and grandparents had known then what we know now.

ASD doesn’t have an age limit. Just because it’s close to impossible for some people (especially borderlines and maskers) to get a formal diagnosis once they’re legal adults doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist at 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, or 80. It’s more a question of whether anyone bothers to, well...ask questions.

So yes, some people are just unapologetic assholes who don’t want to hear the truth or entertain any notions other than their own, even after being presented with hard evidence. They’re obsessed with normality, sometimes to the point of fetishization. Fuck them entirely, I agree.

But don’t assume that the younger generations own the copyright on neurodivergency. We just happen to live in a time when it’s starting to be less deniable so some of us can take action sooner to deal with it.

#asd #autism #adhd #adult autism #boomers #adult adhd #generational problems #baby boomer generation #boomers vs millenials #boomers vs gen z

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zonkutonshorrifyingpeenie · 5 years

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Content and trigger warnings for: academic,psychological, and emotional abuse and discussions on red flags

In many ways, my mother’s obsession and love affair with Snape should have been the first red flag. Like, she would defend him to the point of ridiculousness if I even hinted at him not being a good person.

I’ll list a few other flags I probably should have paid more attention to.

Mother’s absolutely rabid refusal to wear head/earphones when she was listening to/watching something on her tablet in a common area of the house when there were other people in the same room.

The several instances where I expressed concern for my physical health and was blatantly ignored. The two main examples being a) that time I experienced paralysis from chronic pain and couldn’t leave my room/bed only to be yelled at when I finally could leave my room because I didn’t tell them I couldn’t get up (hint: i fucking did tell them that.) And when I defended myself they said “well you have your phone on you at all times you should have texted us”... I WAS FUCKING PARALIZED. and b) when I told my mother about my paralysis episodes and she promised to do something about it. Cut to three or four months later when I asked her again when nothing had been done, and she told me “sorry, I must not have been listening”

Mother’s frankly unhealthy obsession with queer literature (fairly contextual but still a red flag). And her denouncement of an entire book series because the author used a single word in a single context that she didn’t like (The word “rapey” turns up once to describe a character’s behaviour and somehow this destroys the entire book series)

Mother having this obsession with obtaining more craft materials than she will ever use or touch in her entire life. She was always bragging about her material collection going SABLE (stash acquired beyond life expectancy) as if it was a good thing.

Mother consistently trouted on about how tight money was and how budgeting was super important and how “no, we can’t get that thing cause we can’t afford it”. And then she purchased several hundred dollars worth of rabbit pelts and proceeded to mutilate them into a hood type thing that even a blind person could make better than she did. This did actually become a point of contention between us.

Mother’s constant. Neverending. God damn trouting and moaning about how she used to be a double PHD student, forensic scientist, and computer science lecturer; and how she lost it all cause her brain “broke”. It was more than a god damn decade ago and she’s done jack since. And yet, she was always striving for me to overcome my mental disabilities and do something with my life.

And finally (this is a bit of a long one)

Both my parents’ blatant disregard for my academic sanity. I struggled immensely through primary school (not helped by the merciless torment and bullying), and through most of secondary school as well. Out of the whole of secondary school, I had one (1) good class in year ten. I either barely passed or straight up failed all my other classes. My parents had always drilled into me that scientific brilliance was the only way forward. Cut to me in early secondary school (around year 7-9) having full blown meltdowns when I inevitably failed tests in science class. I actually had quite a few meltdowns in secondary school. Because of the narrative my parents’ pushed on me, I became unhealthily obsessed with my failures, to the point of actually contemplating suicide if I got below 60% in any subject. During the time I attended secondary school, I attempted suicide 5 times. The clearest example of my parents’ disconnection came from a math test in year ten. This test was ludicrously difficult, and had been given to the whole year level without much teaching of the concepts in it. Out of 150 odd students, only three actually passed the test. This was with a 40% pass, mind. I was one of the top scores in the year level, I got 39%. I was over the fucking moon and very excitedly showed off my score to my parents, happily babbling about how hard the test was and how I was one of the top students for it, and how proud I was with myself. My mother’s only comment? “Well why didn’t you pass, then?”

Cut to year 11. It’s halfway through the year, I’ve had many meetings with the principle, my teachers, and my house coordinator. My classes have been cut by 90%. I’m only doing maybe two class periods a day. I’m still failing all my classes. I eventually make the most “seriously close to actually working” suicide attempt a week before mid-year exams come up. Through a few more meetings after I’ve recovered, I am pulled out of school and do nothing for six months. My mother puts me onto an adult learning facility in the city, and I have a two hour meeting with the facility’s head course adviser. In this meeting, it is concluded without a single shadow of a doubt, that I am not an academic type, and would be much better, happier, and more fulfilled in a trades course. Mother does not take kindly to this. Through (literal) bloodshed, screaming matches, and tears, I am enrolled into a general artist trades course. I ultimately fail out of this too. The next year, mother enrols me into what is essentially a provisional trades school. For the first time in my entire schooling life, I do well. And not just well, exceptionally well. I’m acing everything the teachers are throwing at me, so much so that they’re literally giving me extra things to work on because I’m going through the coursework so fast. For the first time in my schooling life, I feel genuinely excited to attend every single day of class. I eventually graduate from this school with the highest distinction marks and awards they can possibly give me. But the thing that hurt and stung and devastated more than anything? Mother was parading me (and herself) around, claiming that it was her idea in the first place that I go to a trades school and that she supported me the entire way.

And if that doesn’t highlight everything wrong with that evil woman, I don’t know what will.

Sorry that this kind of turned into a rant on academic abuse, but shit still hurts, man.

#haretalks

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