i just really want to kiss him so badly!!

trying so hard to distract myself from thinking about H but i’m just going in circles; i took out the trash from the kitchen and imagined him taking out the trash too. i swept the dining room and imagined him sitting down and eating dinner with me. i made my bed and i wondered if he makes his or not. i cleaned the bathtub and i wondered about what products he uses, what shampoo and body wash he prefers. i made a pot of coffee and thought about how he limits himself to just one cup a day, otherwise he drinks earl grey and reuses the same tea bag all day. i thought about what he might be doing, reading my essay, listening to his music, playing his guitar. i ate some pretzels and thought about how he sneaks them while he thinks nobody is watching him, but i am. i organized my desk and thought about how messy his is, books, golf balls, white out, tape, pencils, index cards, sharpies. i folded the sweater i wore when he asked me if i stole his outfit and said we were matching. i imagined what his girlfriend might look like, i imagine that she’s young and beautiful and cooler than me. i talked to my mom on the phone and i thought about when he’d asked me about my family and i asked about his. it seems i can’t do much else but think about him.

the biggest heartbreak is thinking you and your teacher crush had a special bond, but then they treat you like just another student. the thought of him having a new favorite student, or having one all this time that wasn't me in the first place, makes me sick to my stomach

TC Vent? Even though U and I are still on good terms, it’s just sort of a brain dump about recent events and how they’ve been affecting my mindset.

It’s so tough to support him and love him in everything he wants, when that “everything” could possibly include another girl, a staff member, who is so compatible with him and is always found talking to or laughing with him, making similar gestures that he does, acting similar to him in tiny, barely noticeable ways, and is so talented in ways that he would probably love in a woman. And, obviously, she’s around his age too….which is so perfect for him, but it really hurts me

A week or two ago, we spent the whole jazz class teasing him about the possibility of him liking this girl, and I was egging him on and teasing him so much about how smiley he was, explaining to him just why we all thought they’d be perfect together; I told him about their chemistry and how closely they stood to each other and their similar behaviors, etcetera, telling him every little thing I noticed that would be so, so perfect for him. In that moment, I felt so happy, playfully messing with U and making him all smiley and helpless, covering his face, to the point where, in a hushed, flustered voice, with wide, desperate eyes, he told me to stop making fun of just how giddy he was. I laughed at his desperation and his cute, antsy attitude. It reminded me of myself.

But it was about another girl, someone who I think is probably perfect for him. Part of me wants to believe that one of the reasons he asked me to stop, among sparing him more embarrassment, was because he might have known that the thought of the two together would eat me up inside. And if he was thinking that…he’d be right. As the school day had continued, I went from being all giggly and smiley to finally realizing that he would have someone perfect for him. Someone who would give him the love that I would have given, someone who would make his life more fun and full of surprise and adventure, someone who he could focus all of his attention on.

If the two of them actually got together….I, naturally, would support them in every endeavor. Because I love him, and want the best for him, and I know the girl would treat him well. But that would also mean that it’d be the end of my (fantastical) relationship with him. My delusional interpretations of our extended moments of eye contact, the way he would say my name, his body language around me, the way he’d smile or laugh or tease. All of that would be over…. but at least he would be happy.

Since then, apart from one brief mention of her, I never heard him talk about her again. In fact, they haven’t been around each other that often either. And things with him and I have resumed as normal….with the interactions that leave my face red and a smile etched on my lips by the end of class.

But after all of that time spent encouraging him that she was perfect for him, and that there was something there between them, even if he’s never brought it up after that, the entire ordeal kind of snapped my mind back into reality. Ever since then, bit by bit, I’ve become sort of depressed and miserable at the thought of my infatuation with him, because I now recognize how impossible that would really be. A girl like me, young but not super smart or confident or attractive or talented, could never compete with a lot of other girls who are his age, and have a more stereotypically attractive body type.

It’s just super unrealistic, and while I still love him to bits, and still desire to have something with him (a desire I would never follow through with, of course), I have to accept the truth. Though he is so perfect in every way, shape, and form, and even my father mentioned that this director of mine, so devoted, genuine, driven, and humorous, would be the exact type of person that he sees me having a committed relationship with in the future…. it probably won’t happen. Even if he were to love me too…. I don’t know how it could ever work out.

It’s just tough to recognize that.

I think I just miss the way he made me feel

bro what's the point of having a tc if he can't just show up whenever i'm sad and feel when i'm thinking about him and talk to me properly and reassure me that my friends don't hate me and kiss my hands and let me hug him and js do whatever with me use me n shit and we can give each other gifts and he can be my muse and i can be the candle he lights after a hard day or a cigarette idk wtf men do and we can rant about our days and live together and he does my hair before school but he drives his car and i take the bus so nobody suspects a thing and we pretend everything's just normal and we keep secrets from everyone else and he lets me lie to him to make shit exciting and we just live life how it's meant to be lived instead of me sitting here whining on my blog and him living a normal family life with his wife and kids as if i don't exist like i can make your life soooo much better man if only you wanted that

ngl.... i think my crush is coming back

and now im remebering all the convos i had with him when i lost attraction to him oh my goodness AHHH

1 month. 1 month and it's all over. its already sinking in and i hate it.

"it was nice while it lasted, right?" "it was nice while it lasted..."

Throw back to that time I cried while talking to T about my grades (she was very disappointed, and I was very anxious)

She started to yell at me for being "all over the place". That if I was going to be this sensitive, I wouldn't get anywhere in life, and kids my age just cry for anything and everything. She said it seemed like I didn't study enough, or didn't read all the content.

My friend (R) got lower than me. T told her she knew R was a smart girl, she was just studying the wrong way. To make flashcards, and message her with any doubts. That everything would be okay.

I fucking hate T, but I hate how she makes me feel more. How I've maybe twisted her hand into despising me? Maybe she believes I'm not trying hard enough? Or it's that I'm not pretty enough? I don't want to like her but my heart jumps to defend her.

M came up to my desk during class today and said that i could come visit him in his office tomorrow since i'm missing one of his classes! How scary but exiting!

he’s not making advances, he’s doing his job. he doesn’t see me how i see him because i am just 1 out of the 150+ students he sees. he doesn’t go home every day and feel stupid because there’s so much he wants to say but can’t tell me. all the attraction i feel towards him is just part of my imagination. my best memories are just fantasies.

I feel like my soul has deeply attached to yours,

Like we’re meant to be together in this lifetime.

There’s no point in trying to fight it,

The universe will make a way for us.

Beginning in this lifetime,

And every lifetime following it.

My love, my light,

My soulmate

I love everything about him. His weird habits, his flaws, his huge, goofy grin, his voice, his laugh, his demeanor, his slight cockiness/egotistical nature, his stature, his interesting sense of casual fashion, I could go on and on. I just can’t help but appreciate and fall in love with every new thing I learn or hear about him.

I’ve actually never thought about the possibility of actually being romantically involved with a TC as much as I have thought about it with U, and it hurts realizing that it couldn’t happen. Any girl his age could fall for him easily, and he could find someone perfect for him any time….but that’s just so tough to swallow. I wish he felt the same and that it could be me. Even if he did, it would be so tough to express that.

I want to reach out to him again really bad, maybe even just as an apology for the years of emails he probably didn’t care much about.

I don’t know. But listen, I checked his fb (forgive me, I was curious. I hadn’t checked in months) and he is dating somebody now! Like myyygoshhh :((( and on top of that I left on bad terms way back in February and I don’t know how to recover from that.

Long story short: there’s a lot I need to say to this man and I don’t feel like it’s right to even send a “hello” in his direction.

i look best through her eyes

in her perspective

when she's deciding how to smile at me

whenever i cry in school i feel very stupid for it but i cant help imagine him comforting me

still id rather take a bullet than cry infront of him because id feel too embarassed