#tbh before it I didn’t realize I was....lonely and wanted companionship like that. I have missed just being friends with them ofc | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

valwentinefics · 3 years

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Altruism Ch. 4 - Zemo x F!Reader x Bucky

A/n: Sorry this took so long to come out, I’m not a fan of this chapter but tbh am I ever a fan of anything I write? Even though I’ve lost passion for this series I’m determined to finish it. If you want to read something I’m passionate about check out my series First Impressions

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Avengers Tower - 2015

Y/n let out a sigh as she picked at her food alone in the kitchen of the tower, wishing for companionship. She realized it was selfish of her to want so much attention from her comrades, if she even had the right to call them that with how little she did in her eyes, but as she had their wounds scarred into her skin she wished they would at least spend some time with her. She was unbearably lonely, her interactions with the Avengers always brief and polite yet leaving her longing for more.

The sound of footsteps entering the kitchen had her raising her eyes from the cereal bowl to look at the newcomer, Steve Rogers. He was the only person she could even think of calling a friend and she was grateful to have him around her. Although the others did show concern for her pain when she took their wounds away, Steve was the only one who stuck around to help her out when he didn’t have to.

“How’s the search for your friend?” She asked, talking about the Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes.

He pulled up a chair to the table and let out a sigh. “Still nothing. How’s the wound? I saw the knife wound on Nat, it didn’t look pleasant.” He commented, looking at the bandages wrapped around her torso that peaked out from the bottom of her bunched up tank top.

“I can handle it, It’s healing slower than usual because of how deep it was though.” Y/n told him, taking in a mouthful of her cereal.

“You know you don’t need to do this, you could always just live your life peacefully. You’re covered in scars that don’t belong to you and you’re always handling everyone else’s pain. It’s not the life you deserve.”

“It may not be the life I deserve but it’s the life I’ve chosen. It hurts a lot, but I don’t regret my choices. Me healing you guys, it’s for the greater good. It gets you all back onto the field faster so you can save more people. My pain doesn’t matter when it’s for such a good cause.” She explained, believing every word.

Steve placed his hand on her free one. “Your pain matters Y/n. You’re too selfless.” He said, his brilliant blue eyes staring into hers, and she realized he had a bit of green in them. “My friend Bucky would have loved you, you know that? If things were different I would be insisting you two go on a date.” He looked away from her and down at the table, his mind seeming to start being clouded with bitter nostalgia.

“Steve, hey,” She said, getting his attention. “You’ll find him, I know it. He saved you, you know he’s in there. It’s only a matter of time.” Steve gave her a small smile but stayed silent. It wasn’t uncomfortable like one would expect, but secure and filled with pondering as they both thought about each other's words.

Madripoor - 2024

Y/n woke up on the ground with her ears ringing. What had happened before wasn’t coming to mind instantly, but she didn’t have time to dwell on it with Bucky’s face in hers, a panicked expression painted onto it.

“Get up, get up!” He shouted with worry, grabbing her arm and pulling her to cover where Sam and Sharon were already. The sound of gunshots rang out around her as she patted herself down in search of her gun, finding it nowhere. Bucky noticed her panic and pulled her into his body protectively with his vibranium arm while he used his free hand to shoot at the enemies.

“Are any of you injured?” Y/n asked, her voice barely rising above the chaos.

“I am!” Sharon lifted up the side of her shirt to reveal a bullet wound. Y/n began to move over to her but Bucky held her back.

“Y/n, no.” Bucky protested, running out of bullets and throwing down his gun.

“Yes, I’m useless in a fight, if I heal you guys we have a better chance.” She explained.

“But that means you’ll be even harder to protect!” Sam added. He never liked Y/n using her powers, just like Bucky and Steve, but he accepted it was her choice. Right now his main protest was her slowing down their escape.

“Leave me here. I have faster healing if I do get hit. As long as I have cover I’ll be fine. Just remember to come back for me.”

“No!” Sam protested.

“Out of the question!” Bucky argued.

“Hurry up and come to a decision, I’m out of bullets!” Sharon yelled, dropping her gun.

“Do either of you have a better plan?” Y/n asked the men who looked at eachother with resignation. Hesitantly Bucky’s arm loosened around her and she moved to Sharon, lifting up her shirt and pressing both hands against the bloody wound, letting out a cry as she felt the wound and pain forming on her body. After a few moments she moved away, noticing Sharon's body relaxing with relief.

The three of them stood up as Y/n tucked herself into a corner, looking at them with a comforting smile as she clutched her side where the wound appeared. “Go, I’ll be fine!” She said to the group.

Bucky and Sam hesitated but ultimately ended up running after Sharon, leaving Y/n alone with the vision of Bucky’s worried eyes stuck in her mind. She didn’t know why the parting look he gave her seared itself into her mind, but despite their expression the thought of them brought her comfort as she brought her knees to her chest, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to drown out the sound of gunshots that only grew in intensity. The sound of an explosion and more bullets pulled a whimper from her throat as she worried about Bucky and the others. Soon it was unbearably silent.

“Schatz…” She heard a voice speak softly in a different language. She opened her eyes to meet the brown ones of a purple masked man, the coat making her realize it was Zemo. He moved closer, putting his gun away to show that he was no threat to her. “You’re injured.” He noticed the dark stain of blood showing through her clothing.

“Sharon had a bullet wound. Are you hurt? I can help you.” She offered, moving closer to him.

He shook his head. “You’re too selfless. Bad people will take advantage of it. You shouldn’t offer your help so easily.” He explained, picking her up in a swift movement as he seemed to regain his urgency.

“You don’t have to carry me you know.” She said, although she felt her body melting into his touch. She felt protected in the man's arms, as much as she knew she shouldn’t. He had done so much to Bucky, he was a bad man, and yet she was finding comfort in him yet again. No matter how hard she tried, something kept drawing her to him, leaving a fuzzy feeling in her chest that she only had felt around Bucky. She ignored it though. It was absurd to think she could be growing feelings for the man in such a short time, yet the guilt was nagging at her.

“We’ll be too slow with you walking, besides I don’t want you to hurt yourself more than you already have.” Zemo said as he moved away from the covered area quickly, seeming to take all the routes that avoided the attackers.

“Why do you care?” Y/n asked, confused.

“Perhaps I’ll tell you one day. For now I prefer to keep my cards close.”

Zemo’s Jet 2024

The jet was silent as Zemo stared at Y/n’s sleeping form across from him, Bucky sitting across from a sleeping Sam and looking out the window. The reflection of Zemo’s gaze on Y/n made him clench his vibranium fist, turning his head to look at the two.

“What are you playing at Zemo?” Bucky growled, getting the Sokovian man’s attention.

“I’m not doing anything James.” He tilted his head in confusion which only made Bucky’s face contort with anger. “Unless you mean with Y/n, then I’m just admiring a beautiful woman.”

Bucky longed to reach over and choke the man as he had done before but he didn’t want to wake Y/n’s peaceful form. “Stay away from her Zemo, she had nothing to do with the destruction in Sokovia.”

Zemo nodded. “I’m aware, she was part of the healing process instead. Tell me, James, why wasn’t she told of my reasons for what I’ve done. I can tell you didn’t let her know, she would have been far more kind to me if you had. Were you concerned it would sway her loyalty?”

“Shut it Zemo…” Bucky glared. That was partially the reason, the other being that he and Steve had worried she would be a wreck knowing the group she had cherished so much had ruined a man's life and drove him to such extremes.

“She deserves to know, you know that.” Zemo said as he picked up his glass of champagne, taking a sip.

Bucky stayed silent, but it was clear he agreed. He worried though, that Y/n finding out why Zemo did what he had done would make her agree with the man that was clearly growing interested in her. Bucky knew it was a selfish reason to keep the truth from her, but his heart hurt at the thought of her falling for the man. He wished Sharon hadn’t interrupted him that night in Madripoor so he could have confessed his feelings before this rivalry was formed between him and Zemo.

“I don’t intend to harm her, but I’m sure you’ve already figured that out.” Zemo continued. “Our feelings for her are the same, I wonder though, who will she choose.”

Taglist: @yaskna @noavengers @lostghostgirl94 @whatawildone @lady-latte @chipster-21 @viviace @writeroutoftime @spookycereal-s @nadder37 @ajeff855 @safiakillspop @thiccmemechicc @sgold @southernbadgirl10th @mochminnie @gorgeourrific-nerd @idiotic-canadian If I missed you, added you on accident, or you would like to be added/removed let me know!

#bucky barnes x reader #zemo x reader #helmut zemo x reader #baron zemo x reader

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srcbin-blog · 5 years

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﹤ 𝙹𝚄𝙽𝙶 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝙴𝚈𝙴𝙾𝙽, 𝚂𝙷𝙴/𝙷𝙴𝚁, 𝙲𝙸𝚂 𝙵𝙴𝙼𝙰𝙻𝙴 ﹥; * - hello 𝑹𝑶𝑩𝑰𝑵 𝑺𝑬𝑶. long time no see. i know a lot about you. like how you're 𝑻𝑾𝑬𝑵𝑻𝒀-𝑶𝑵𝑬, how you're a 𝑪𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑼𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑪𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬 major, and in fact.. how you 𝑬𝑿𝑬𝑪𝑼𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝑨 𝑫𝑶𝑺 𝑨𝑻𝑻𝑨𝑪𝑲 𝑶𝑵 𝑨 𝑪𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑨𝑵𝒀 𝑻𝑯𝑨𝑻 𝑹𝑬𝑱𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑰𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑵𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑷 𝑨𝑷𝑷𝑳𝑰𝑪𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵, 𝑪𝑶𝑺𝑻𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑻𝑯𝑬𝑴 𝑻𝑯𝑶𝑼𝑺𝑨𝑵𝑫𝑺 𝑶𝑭 𝑫𝑶𝑳𝑳𝑨𝑹𝑺 𝑰𝑵 𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑭𝑰𝑻. would be a shame if it got out, wouldn't it ? so let's play a game. 𝚃𝚁𝚄𝚃𝙷 𝙾𝚁 𝙳𝙰𝚁𝙴 ?

♡ whaddup it’s dri !!! & here’s robin, prime example of what can go wrong if you were a golden child and have to confront the fact that you’re not hot shit anymore SKJFHGDS she’s like a brand brand new muse so i apologize in advance if this is a Mess

* ╱ 𝒃 𝒂 𝒄 𝒌 𝒈 𝒓 𝒐 𝒖 𝒏 𝒅

♡ growing up, she was the girl everyone’s parents wanted their kid to be like — well-behaved, studious, etc. — and was easily the cause of annoyance to her friends whenever she visited their homes. they didn’t hate her, but they were incredibly envious because it seemed as though their parents tended to treat her so well, almost like a daughter they wished they had.

♡ if only things were like that in her actual home !! her parents paid very little attention to her, and it’s obvious that her being born was a hassle in the way of their own pursuits. her mother was the editor-in-chief for a fashion magazine and her father was a patent attorney, but robin’s nanny was more like a parent to her than they ever were. they enrolled her in whatever programs they could — piano lessons, violin lessons, test prep, you name it — just to get her out of their hair.

♡ she caught on to the fact that her parents didn’t really love her early on, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to try to have a family dynamic a lot of her classmates seemed to have. her desire for parental love and validation led her to overachieve in .. basically all aspects. robin figured that maybe if she proved herself to have been worthy of .. giving birth to SDGDSKGSD maybe her parents would learn to love her.

♡ yea things didn’t really work out like that, and if anything, her parents got even busier as she got older. taking her schoolwork and extracurriculars quite seriously, in high school, she was second chair violin (she beat herself up other this), captain of her robotics team, among several other smaller feats. but to all these they’d only award her with something along the lines of “that’s nice.” she often had to give other parents excuses as to why only her nanny showed up to orchestra concerts, leaving a reputation that her parents were always busy busy!!

♡ she came to terms with the fact that her parents will just never seem to care for her and that’s facts! but her desire to succeed and prove herself worthy of something, whatever that was of this point, became like an addiction. weird, but it’s kind of comforting to know that she at least has this, her reputation of being an ideal daughter. because even if her parents don’t think so, it’s nice that other people do.

♡ going into college for computer science (emphasis cybersecurity) was Stressful for her tho because of all the new challenges and competition!! she dealt with so much impostor syndrome and almost snapped ... so many times KLSHDGSD but as she would always do, she threw herself into her work 2 Distract Herself from this crisis. sleeping in the library? her fun hobby!! burnout??? almost like a personality trait!! she could literally be hungover and she’d force herself to study but she’d still find herself performing not the Very Best ... luv a downward spiral !!

♡ things kinda started to change a Lot when she started applying to internships her second yr :0 things started to change bc she kept getting rejected LKSJDHGSD this ?? freaked her out !! the first time was like a kick to the face sure .. but the second time was like a stab in the back .. n by the third time ?? she snapped !! she couldn’t take it anymore ! (see: secret 4 more detailz)

♡ in the time following .. she started to .. mayhaps Chill a lil bit .. a lot bit .. SLJDGHSDG she still has her overachiever tendencies practically ingrained in her personality but she’s kinda givin up .. she’s like what’s the point if no one thinks i’m worthy !! she’s a crisis wrapped in a pretty bow jus trying to find herself bc once her golden child identity was ripped from her hands .. she doesn’t know what she has left ;/

* ╱ 𝒑 𝒆 𝒓 𝒔 𝒐 𝒏 𝒂 𝒍 𝒊 𝒕 𝒚

♡ for someone who used to think she was hot shit, robin’s actually a really easy friend to make ?? is it bc she’s lonely ?? Maybe !! she isn’t the type to initiate conversations, though, so oftentimes people are afraid to approach her bc of her rbf mixed with sleep deprivation

♡ no one really ever expected her to be a partier when she got to college, but it sure proved to be a nice distraction from everything else going on in her life !! catch her with a mixed drink on a friday night chattin with some dudez

♡ someone PLEASE love her LSDJHGKSDG she tries to find love n companionship everywhere but never tries to force it — the moment a partner shows any sense of disinterest she gets scared and walks away. she’ll try to find slivers of affection here and there, but she doesn’t believe she’s actually deserving of love.

♡ feels weird about breaking rules but easily falls victim to the bandwagon effect nowadays !! she’s walking the fine line between being chaotic and having it together, it’s only a matter of time until she goes full chaos, maybe erebus gna pull the #trigger on tht :0

♡ stress relief is being chaotic on the sims 4 and making sims only to like .. kill them off in a fire or have them fight because for a girl who can hold a grudge, she can’t handle irl confrontation

* ╱ 𝒔 𝒆 𝒄 𝒓 𝒆 𝒕

♡ so yeah like i mentioned earlier, miss robin kept getting rejected from internships and she really just Could Not Take It !! whoever said third time’s the charm is a Liar !!!

♡ long story short .. she’s ends up so frustrated .. so spiteful .. that she literally executes a DOS attack on the company that rejected her DSGSDSDKLG the server was down for almost a full day before coming back online, and she costed the company thousands of dollars in revenue

♡ she never spoke about it after the fact, she felt pretty disgusted of herself once she had realized what she had done .. a girl was having a crisis ! and she fucking hacked a whole ass company KLJDGSD her Power !!

♡ robin’s not a complete fool, though, and she took the necessary precautions to make sure they couldn’t trace it back to her (but tbh it also could’ve just looked like their servers were overloaded n it was Their Mistake) but yea this gal hid her ip and the whole shebang !! she’s taken cybersecurity classes she knows what’s up !

♡ it’s been about two years since, but she is still haunted by what she did and the potential of getting caught keeps her up at night bc 1) she will go to jail and 2) her parents will Really never love her at this rate KLJDSGS

#⟨ 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 ╱ 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 。 ⟩#error.intro #me writing an intro is rly just me taking a concept n making it worse n worse huh .

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a-personifiedchaosx · 6 years

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Headcanon: Jack’s relationship with Pitch/His stance with the Guardians during the movie

This is gonna get a bit lengthy, so I’m throwing this all under a read more to help keep your dashes a bit neater <3 ( I’m… so sorry mobile peeps;; )

So something got me thinking about Jack’s relationship with Pitch within the context of the movie; I think while listening to a song that I thought was extremely fitting for them. ( Which was ‘Hollowman – Trapt ‘ for those who are curious! ) It’s one of the things that really jumped out at me at first when I saw the movie in theaters, and I really appreciate how their dynamic is a bit different than the ‘norm’ for a protagonist with Jack’s personality.

I’ll start by saying that, in tune with the rest of the movie, Jack and Pitch are not strangers to one another. ( Even in the movie already seems to either have met or know each other pre-movie, and among the guardians the only ones that haven’t met face to face before the movie seems to be North/Tooth and Jack. ) When North mentions Pitch, Jack just says jokingly ‘The boogeyman?’ and during the confrontation at the Tooth Palace, Pitch recognizes him and calls him out by name.

Speaking of the Tooth Palace, this is the first time we see Pitch and Jack in the same setting together, and if you pay attention mostly to Jack compared to the Guardians, you can notice how while he’s apprehensive and on the defense, he’s not really… antagonistic towards Pitch. Like look at Bunnymund; he was glaring since the moment Pitch appeared, and Tooth tried to attack him. But these are Jack’s expressions:

When Pitch first appears and talks about his goal, you can see the empathy in Jack’s eyes; cause he knows what it’s like to desperately want to be seen. And even those moments when he does glare, it’s half-hearted; like in a detached kind of way, since while what he’s saying is terrible for the guardians, it doesn’t really affect him personally. Not at that point at least. And when all the guardians start to chase Pitch, we see the scene focused on Jack being the very last to kind of jump off the platform and chase after them.

It was while thinking about this that I realized something: In the movie, Jack’s position has been neutral in regards to everything going on between Pitch and the Guardians for about 50% if not more than half of the movie. Until the Antarctica/Memories scene, Jack’s only been doing what he’s had to do to help himself, and honestly he still wasn’t fully invested with being one of the Guardians until he knew about his past. I’ll explain this more as I go on.

So Pitch leaves, and Tooth mentions what she really protects as the tooth fairy an about the memories in the teeth. It was only when she mentioned the teeth – and that she had Jack’s teeth and memories too – that Jack really seems to come alive and get himself invested in helping them. ( Especially with North saying ‘If you help us, then we’ll give you your memories.’ ) Obviously, in the following scenes, he let down his walls a bit and bonded with the group a bit more; to the point where when Tooth apologizes for not knowing about his memories he just says that they should focus on her. He was really beginning to feel a bit like one of the group… and then comes the slap in the face in the form of Jamie being able to see everyone except for him, which seems to remind him more vividly about his number one goal: the teeth.

When Pitch and Jack meet again it’s on top of the roof after Jack takes down one of the nightmares. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a thousand times—I love how the movie allows Jack to be scared/wary of Pitch. You can see in the way he looks here – minus the initial surprise of Pitch coming up behind him – that he makes him uneasy, but he collects himself when there’s a bit more distance between them; shouting ‘You made it my fight when you stole those teeth!’ in response to Pitch saying ‘For a neutral party, you’re spending a lot of time with them. This isn’t your fight.’

Notice how Jack doesn’t defend him being with the Guardians; he doesn’t try to say that he’s one of them or anything. For him, this is just about his teeth; his number one priority. Judging by Pitch’s reaction, it’s safe to say that he didn’t know about Jack’s lost memories before this moment either, as he puts two and two together later on and uses that as his leverage.

While Sandy’s ‘death’ affects all of them, it affects Jack pretty badly too, and I think there is a bit more to him blaming himself for not being able to save Sandy. At this point he’s more and more conflicted: he wants his memories and doesn’t believe he’s truly a guardians, but at the same time he’s starting to let himself become attached to the attention the guardians are giving him and wants desperately to fit in, even if he doesn’t believe he will. Jack feels guilty because he feels like he caused his death by being too reckless about getting his memories.

Okay, my favorite scene: Pitch’s Liar. In another headcanon post I mentioned this scene I think when I went on to say that Jack is extremely impulsive and has a dangerous amount of curiosity. Instead of focusing on the tooth fairies after finding them, he catches sight of the teeth and suddenly that’s ALL he can focus on, rummaging through to look for his own box. Only a moment later, he’s face to face with Pitch.

Pitch taunts and basically mentally abuses Jack for the duration of their interaction and brings up his new confliction with the guardians and himself: “You want the answers so badly. You want to take them and fly off with them, but you’re afraid of what the guardians will think. You’re afraid of disappointing them.” There’s nothing about him accepting being a Guardian or even wanting to. Jack’s just scared of what they’ll think about him if they know what when he gets his teeth, he’s gotten what he ever wanted. He’s gotten close to them and wants their approval; he doesn’t want this new attention and companionship to go away, and that’s what Pitch is hinting towards.

And basically his worst fears all happen anyway. Easter is ruined and Baby Tooth is taken, but he has his memories. In the start, he thought that he wouldn’t care about this dilemma but now he’s face to face with the people he considered his friends hurting because of him, and knowing that it’s his fault that all of this happened. And to pour salt into the wound, they reject him. They don’t hear him out and just push him away. “We should of never trusted you!” Just like what Pitch was saying: ‘They’ll never accept you. Not really.’

The Antarctica scene is one of the most telling about their relationship. It’s the first time we really see Jack genuinely angry at Pitch and he immediately tries to attack him when he approaches. Pitch tries to use Jack’s empathy in order to get him on his side, playing to his past and open wounds in order so that he’d heard him out. ( “We don’t have to be alone, Jack. I believe in you.” / “All those years in the shadows and I thought no one else knew what this felt like. Now I see I was wrong.” )

Honestly?? I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this, but the chance of Jack completely turning around and joining Pitch could have been pretty high. They are similar in a lot of ways: unbelieved-in, alone, ignored, etc. Jack sees himself in Pitch, and I think that played a huge role in why he heard him out or even why he wasn’t fully invested in fighting him. Jack could of ended up like Pitch a long time ago tbh: and he knows that. And for the first time, he’s looking at Pitch outside of himself and he’s realizing that while they are the same in a lot of ways, Jack can be different. So he declines teaming up with him, which angers Pitch, and basically attempts to kills him. ( They don’t put it in so many words because y’know kids – EVEN THOUGH THEY SHOWED JACK’S DEATH BUT GO OFF I GUESS – but we know what it was. )

When Jack got his memories, he finally understands why the Man in the Moon choose him and started to realize that maybe he can be a guardian after all. There’s some good in him after all, even through the years of mistakes and loneness, and he was chosen for a reason; not just some mistake. So he gets out and helps the Guardians fight Pitch as one of them for the first time in the movie.

Now even after all of that, I’ve noticed a few things in Jack’s final interactions with Pitch. First: right before Sandy comes back and Pitch goes to attack him, Jack doesn’t really try to defend himself. His reaction was a bit longer than what someone would actually do if they were gonna get hit, and he doesn’t put his staff up to protect himself or anything; he just half hearted lifts his arm. ( And then Sandy coming back saves him. ) And if you look at Pitch’s expression, he was going in to kill. That wasn’t any blow, that was intended as a finishing blow. But for some reason, Jack didn’t react in an urgent matter.

I believe it’s because even though he’s come to terms with the fact that he and Pitch are different and that Pitch’s actions can’t be excused, he still emphasizes with him. This is further proven by these two other looks that he gives him:

On the left, it’s the look Jack gives Pitch when Jamie runs through him ( you can see the concern and just the knowing about how bad it feels to be walked through and unbelieved. ) and the right is when Pitch is dragged away by his nightmares. He understands that Pitch is beyond saving, but at the same time… you can see that Jack wants to try. He knows that he could of very well been Pitch, and even if he accepts his position as Guardian now, he wants to reach out and actually try to help Pitch.

Even when Jack felt animosity towards Pitch, underneath is just a desperate need to be able to reach out and help him; to pull him out of those shadows and to be able to give him the companionship that Jack himself had longed for. Honestly, if we ever get a sequel in our lifetime, I need them to show something of the sort. Cause Jack connects more to Pitch than he does towards any of the Guardians.

#; ( headcanon tag )#long post tw #// this shit is about 3 pages on word i'm so sorry #i feel like it's 90% useless rambling/recaping and 10% actual analysis but #here xD <3

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xylianna · 6 years

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🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 I have had a lot of rum today and will totally star for star with you....of course I will probably be sober by the time you get to this... MORNING RUM IT IS!!!!

48 STARS? SERIOUSLY DO YOU WANT MY LIFE STORY? CAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET IT.

1. my first pet was a rabbit named Carmel

2. my first cat was a yellow tabby named Orlith (Moreta’s queen dragon in the Dragonriders of Pern books)

3. my other two cats have been named Wolf and Lynx. Wolf is my old lady cat, 18 years old. Lynx I had to rehome when I moved a few years ago. Orlith died years ago, the poor thing.

4. I learned how to hunt because I live in an area that is THE THING and also animals are tasty. I spent hours tracking a damn pheasant on my first hunt but because of my shitty eyesight/lack of depth perception, couldn’t see it, so my dad shot it. He still credited me with the kill since I tracked it.

5. I like to go fishing, if by fishing you mean “sit on the boat and read a book because its pretty on the water”

6. I like spreadsheets a little too much. Google Sheets means I can have them EVERYWHERE.

7. I love to sing, and its the one thing I’m actually a bit arrogant about. At least, I feel like its arrogance. Maybe its just being truthful? I have a really good voice. I trained it for a lot of years. it’s one of the few things I can do that almost always lifts my mood.

8. I hadn’t seen any live concerts in ages, and then in 2016 I saw Final Fantasy A New World and the Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses

9. I have next to no confidence in anything outside my singing and it still boggles my mind that people like my writing. this isn’t me fishing for compliments, I’m honestly astounded. I read other people’s stuff and I’m blown away that those same people like mine, when theirs is just so fucking amazing.

10. sometimes I go anywhere between a day or a week without contacting anybody just to see if anyone bothers to talk to me if I don’t reach out first. the results usually make me more sad than before I tried. and make me question most my ‘friendships’.

11. I’ve been single for two years and I kinda hate it, but don’t expect it to change anytime soon. part of the reason is i’m picky AF. most of the reason is I have little to no social life.

12. I’m pagan and I am deeply spiritual but I generally don’t discuss it at all if I’m not asked by a close friend, because to me spirituality and religion is DEEPLY personal

13. I have never slept with a woman who hasn’t decided afterwards that she’s straight. this is probably why I’ve dated so few women. while logically I know there’s no correlation between my performance and their declarations (especially as my more recent ex-gf is dating another woman now), its still a pretty big ego blow.

14. Sorry I just answering this to sing for like 10 minutes. Currently trying to type while singing “Missing” by Evanescence. ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST!

15. i hate going to movies alone and will actively buy people tickets just so I don’t have to

16. I hate cooking for just me when my son isn’t home, so instead I tend to batch cook and freeze a bunch to enable lazy dinners down the road

17. I’m a really good cook :D

18. Tomorrow I play D&D! I play once a month with a small group of family and friends. This is the third group I’ve had for the same campaign and I don’t think I’ll ever see the end at this rate, haha.

19. I also play WoW. In WoW, I play Xylianna, the Paladin. In D&D I play a Fighter. I like swords okay?

20. work sucked this week but I have rum now :D

21. I had cancer when I was 17. In 2 months will be my 18th anniversary of being cancer free. I celebrate that more than my birthday, or my wedding anniversary before I was divorced. Nothing gets you to pare the bullshit out of your life faster than getting that diagnosis, let me tell you.

22. HOW THE FUCK AM I ONLY ON NUMBER 22 WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME *gets a third drink*

23. In my local kink community, my ‘scene name’ is one of my first OTP’s.

24. If 23 didn’t warn you, I’m going to talk about BDSM now. I’m a switch insofar as I’ll top without any real hint of dominance since I LOATHE the responsibility of being a dom. Iggy in Discretion/What Would Happen is totally based off me, because I vastly prefer to give over control since my entire fucking life is me running everything. I run my dept at work, I run my house, I run my gaming group, I run my karaoke group. Sometimes I just need a break okay?

25. also gimme dat pain

26. and I’ll give you some, too, because I enjoy service topping

27. Consent is Sexy, okay? I go out of my way to portray consent being constantly re-established in my bdsm fics particularly, because its never okay to assume that just because I was allowed to do X last week, its okay to do X this week. I mean obviously in an established relationship, it would be different, but even then CONSENT AND COMMUNCATION, SO FUCKING SEXY

28. I wish I could play a string instrument. I bought a guitar and tried to learn it but it turns out I am not good at teaching myself something so different from what I already know, haha. Chords are confusing to me for some reason. Or I made them more confusing than they had to be.

29. I am embarrassed to admit how many years its been since I picked up one of my clarinets. I wish I could find a local ensemble to join, but, that would mean reaching out and asking and aahhhhhh *hides*

30. I would also totally lose my shit if I could find a choral group to join that wasn’t attached to a Christian church. no offense at all to christian churches, but I feel a bit dishonest joining a group connected to a faith I don’t share, you know?

31. when I go to xmas eve church with my mom at her church, my brother-in-law’s mother does indeed make me join choir for that night, and its great!

32. i’m intensely lonely most of the time but I pretend i’m not because indulging in the feeling won’t change anything. and tbh part of it is my fault for isolating myself.

33. I have chronic severe depressive disorder coupled with a side of anxiety. So I feel like shit, and I worry about it, LOL

34. Prior to November 2017 NaNoWriMo, I hadn’t written in over 10 years, save for a couple 300ish word short stories.

35. part of me is terrified certain family members will find my AO3/Tumblr. I actually talked to my psychologist about this fear at my last appointment. We agreed that if they go to so much trouble as to find my internet alter ego, they deserve to be offended by my work. Fuck ‘em.

36. just once I wish I could feel the support I give my family given to me. I have one supportive family member and its not even blood. my brother-in-law is my best friend, for real. my Warder (if you follow WoT), bonded in balefire. I wish the rest of my family would care about me, but I’m working on accepting they just won’t.

37. I love learning languages for the same reason I love studying music, and I love writing - my goal is to communicate as effectively as possible, make people really understand, and the more avenues open to me the better

38. when I get a little drunk, I forget English and speak a mashup of Spanish, German, and Japanese

39. I have to go to karaoke tomorrow night for the first time since I was sexually harassed at karaoke last October, and I’m kinda terrified

40. I get very down on myself when I realize in my writing I do no world building and very little serious plotting. I basically write angst, or love, or smut. I’m trying to be okay with that, but I admit I feel like I don’t do a good enough job.

41. wow way to kill the mood, Xy. honestly, if anyone is still reading this, you get a fucking medal. i’m not that interesting, and I probably should have stopped writing this long ago.

42. I really wish life would give me a fucking break, you know? but that’s not how it works. you gotta make your own breaks, and I’m too gods-damned tired to try at present. Maybe I’ll try later this year.

43. I wish I lived alone. Ironic, since I’m lonely 99% of the time. But having a roommate isn’t the same as having companionship and sometimes I just want to not listen to someone else’s blaring TV or have someone else walk thru the house while I’m writing at the table or have someone comment on my singing (even if its complimentary)

44. WOW I GOT DEPRESSED LETS LIGHTEN THINGS UP SHALL WE? I love apple scented shit.

45. I own at least 10 pairs of kitty ears, and two tails. In fact I am wearing ears to karaoke tomorrow. Meow.

46. I want the relationship I write for Gladnis in my Discretion series BUT I’M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH FAM

47. my son is 8 yrs old and he’s honestly the best thing i’ve done with my life, and he is the thing I am most proud of, even topping my joy in beating cancer

48. in 2016 I lost 120 pounds. in 2017 i gained 30 back. in 2018… we’ll see.

HOLY FUCK THAT WAS HARD I DESERVE MORE RUM NOW OKAY

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