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seatnights · 1 year

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HUGE TW : mental illness, eating disorder, depression, anxiety, thinking and emotions disorder, adhd, bdp, suicide mention, just rough stuff and emotion, negativity everywhere, so many insecurities (body, mental health…), venting SO MUCH. DONT READ IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH BODY ISSUES AND DARK THOUGHTS. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, THIS IS A BAD EXAMPLE.

don’t worry, it’s just some thoughts i needed to let go. this post is for me and for everyone who feels the same way. also, it was written at 3 am after a a bad and long day, probably during a mental breakdown, and my first language isn’t english so there’s going to be some grammar errors, everyone it’s warned.

to be heard and to be seen. everyone deserve a bit of it.

i just open tumblr and it’s filled with hate on co-star, possible girlfriend, people fic, other blogger deactivating and i just want to vent a bit honestly. it’s a whole mess.

i don’t feel safe here, i’ve never felt safe anywhere. there’s not even one fandom where i’ve felt understood and like i could say what i was thinking, and now it’s the same. i’m scared of saying anything. call me sensitive, i am. but why can’t I live like everyone else and still be sensitive? why do i have to change and become tough?

i’m always seen as the little one of the fandom (19, there’s 40s here) that doesn’t understand and it’s sensible and like, is it so bad?? the fact that i’m growing up and learning? i’m not stupid, just young. you don’t even know what i went and i’m going through.

i read everyday of how the actors i love are outspoken and just being MEN and loving skinny models and i hate the fact that this makes me insecure. it’s not like “i’m not pretty enough for him” because i don’t care, they don’t even know i exist. it’s the fact that i could be that person that they look in the street and say something bad about my look and body and make a joke to their friend. it’s the fact that i never go to comicon because what if they hate what they see? they’ll probably think i’m disgusting. i just want to feel pretty for them.

i just want to be acknowledged by them. to believe that they are thinking that i look good. i want their approval because i love them and i just want to feel good in my skin and feel pretty and i really wish someone would love me, physically and mentally, but i’m unlovable because i’m not pretty enough, smart enough, i’ll never be enough for anyone. i have to always try my best and fake smiles just to make up the fact that it’s me. but i’ll never be enough. and i hate the fact that i need their approval, because i shouldn’t need it, but i do. it feels like a necessity, like someone looking at me and acknowledging my existence and maybe think i’m good.

but i’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, old enough, outspoken enough. i’m just this weird little silly thing that is nice to everyone but i hate my self and i don’t even know who i am. too young to know what they want me to know, but i actually know too much.

and i like to fantasticate about fictional people who will love me for who i am but in reality no one loves me like that or will love me for my truest form. it’s just in my mind. it’s fake. no one will kiss me goodnight or ask my how my day was. no one care.

the actors that plays those fictional characters will probably dislike me. they’ll judge me for how i act, speak, look, say. not because they’re bad people but because they’re human and that’s what they do, say things about people. they’re just paid to be nice. there’s going to be someone who express their thoughts and rudely makes me feel bad, but for the ones who doesn’t express their thoughts: i know what they’re thinking about me in that moment (ex. when meeting at comicon) and i know in their head there’s some jokes and comment about my body, face, appearance, pronunciation, intelligence and whatever. and i wish with my whole soul that i could do and be so good that their thought would be only good one: she’s pretty, intelligent, seems cool.

but they’re not thinking that. they probably hate me. i’m just a stupid little teenager for them, mentally ill and inferior. it doesn’t matter how much time i invest in looking good or in studying what others people are interested about. i’ll always feel inferior.

oh and, i’ll just be one of the thousand fans for them, like it should be. and they’re my source of happiness but it doesn’t matter to them and it never will. i’m nothing to them. they’ll look at me and just think/say “she’s just a lil kid, doesn’t even know what she’s talking about” “why is she here, not even good enough for instagram photoshops”.

i really hope that they aren’t those type of person but i don’t have no idea. WE don’t have no idea, we don’t know them at all, it’s all a facade. what if???

i guess it doesn’t matter. i’ll never be one of the pretty girls you see on tv or just on the street, i’ll never find someone who’ll love me for who i am. i’ll always be inferior to everyone, and i should do better for them. i have to do better. i’m already alone, everyone hates me, even people that doesn’t know i exist. i have to become better, prettier, skinnier. i need to feel loved but i have to work for it. i have to be deserving of love. no one is gonna love me if i’m not deserving of it. be there for them, understand them, put them first. and maybe they’ll love me. or maybe not. maybe i’m just an unlovable person, not enough, inferior. i wasn’t even good when i was healthy and i really think that i can be good for someone when i’m mentally ill??? no one want a damaged, rotten person. no one love a broken, ugly, silly girl.

i can search their love and do anything to have it but I’ll never win. i’m never going to feel loved, to feel love, to love. no one ever loved me before, no one will start ever. it’s just how things go, you know? i’m inferior to everyone, i'm never going to have the possibility to feel feeling, love, anger, happiness, sadness.

i'm a void who stare at a void, and the other void stares back.

i’m never going to a comicon because i know that those actor/celebrities will make fun of me in private, with their friends. i know they’ll think i’m ridiculous, and ugly, not skinny, not their type, not enough. i’ll feel so ashamed to just go and have all of my insecurities proven. so stupid, and ugly, inferior, not thin enough, not woman enough, not curvy enough. and everyone’s opinions shouldn’t matter but it does. it does matter to me. a fucking lot. and i’m tired of feel sorry for trying and still not being enough.

just the thought that at a comicon i could talk to an actor and take photos: i’m scared. i’m scared bc i know that the moment they’ll see me they’ll know i’m inferior, because i’m just a teenager girl who doesn’t have a mind of her own, i’m not a beautiful woman, not tall, not skinny, not a model, not intelligent enough for them because i’m not going to know everything about the interest of the actor so i’ll be stupid. and every gift i could bring it would be stupid, childish, they’ll hate it, but they’ll smile at me politely and say “wow thank you it’s amazing” and never look back at it again.

i’m not special to anyone, especially to the people that are important to me, even worse if they are celebrities. i have nothing to give, im not capable of loving, making conversation, having friends because i’m not deserving and it doesn’t matter how much i try, my love will never be enough. im unlovable because im not skinny and pretty and no one is going to love you if you are unattractive but hey! type exist! yes, but all the people i love wants a model type and i’m not, also i need to be beautiful to make up for the fact that it’s still me after all. and i’m not intelligent how they want me to be, im not the science intelligent person, i’m the philosophy and emotive intelligent and what man wants that??? talk about emotion and be vulnerable? no one.

and i love women, and i’m sorry i’m not pretty enough for you, or too mentally ill to make you understand how much i care for you. i’m sorry i search men approval for everything, i wish it wasn’t like that.

and i just want to disappear. become skin and bones so someone would finally see me and care about me and makes me feel loved. but i don’t want to be seen, i don’t want anyone to look at me. don’t want them to know i’m nothing because I am nothing to anyone. i’m just a small piece of sand, scarred and ugly, and they are a whole sea. i don’t deserve them, but i wish i could do something to be deserving. i’m starving so i could be the very best girl, clean and pure. but i’m not pretty like the others so it doesn’t matter. no one wants to hear me talking, no one is interested in listening to me. i don’t deserve to be seen, heard, listened, perceived.

do better, no one care about me, i have no reason to stay. im trying to become the best i could be to feel just a little love, but my best is not enough and it’ll never be.

im not like other girls, other people. they’re nice, beautiful, so intelligent, interesting and wonderful. im not, i'm just a grain of sand who feels the entire weight of her life and others lives on her shoulder: people don’t care about me, they don’t even know i exist. but i feel them without knowing them in real life. i feel their disappointment, their sadness, their feelings. i care about theirs, they don’t even know mines exist. and i feel suffocated by this weight, it’s to heavy.

no one knows me and no one is willing to try to know me, because they know i have nothing to offer. i’m just someone who tries too much. i’ll give them everything and then beg to have something in return, just a little love, but i could be on my knees begging and screaming and dying and no one would notice. i fell ill and nobody cried, nobody noticed, nobody cared. they stare and judge but they don’t look, they don’t see.

but these are just the words of a teenage girl (i don’t even identify as one, but that’s another whole discussion) i’m probably just “crazy” and exaggerating, i don’t even know how hard life gets and my problems aren’t big; right?

at the end, it’s okay. i hope everyone will be happy. i’ll try to stay another day till i can. i know what i can’t have, i’ll survive without it. i’ll starve to be fed with love, but i know it’ll never arrive, because i didn’t do better, i wasn’t enough.

to be loved is to be heard and seen, i’ve never been both and i’ll never been.

to love is to listen and be there, to see and help. i should have been better, i’m sorry, i tried.

take care of yourself please <3

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