13. “What did you swallow?” for Val! sjfjsjjfk

Prompt: Drabble List #3 Asker: dudethatsgay Prompt: 13. "What did you swallow?" Characters: Valaria Colter, Arcade Gannon ____ Emerging out of vault 22 the Mojave sun was blinding. They had been in the vault for what must have been an hour or more. No vault is what one would describe as bright but vault 22 was much darker than your standard metal tomb. Arcade put his hand to his brow to try and readjust to the light, while Valaria reached in her satchel and pulled out her sunglasses. Arcade turned to Val to ask if she had any injuries they should take a look at before continuing on, after all there were a lot of unknown creatures in that vault. Many got much too close for comfort. He was about to pose his question when he saw Val swallow something then quickly stuff a knife and some dark object back into her satchel. "What was that," questioned Arcade. Val, as nonchalantly as she could, looked at arcade and asked, "what was what?" "What do you mean 'what was what'? What did you swallow?" "When?" "No way, you're not getting out of it this time. What did you just eat," insisted Arcade shorty. When Val didn't want to admit to something she would usually try to confuse what she would call the opposing party. Arcade had become very used to this in his time traveling with her but this time he wasn't about to let it go. "Fine," muttered Val. She then reached into her satchel again pulling back out the dark object. She held her arm out splaying her hand to present what looked to be some kind of plant. Arcade wasn't exactly well versed in horticulture but he knew enough to be able to reliably tell the difference between fruits and vegetables. With this, however, he could not. Even cut in half to see its cross-section he couldn't tell exactly what this was, he had never seen anything like it. "Where did you get that," asked Arcade exasperatedly. He already knew the answer but he wanted to be sure. "Picked it up when we were in 22. One of the rooms was full of the stuff," remarked Val. "Terminal inside said somethin about them making a super-food in there that'd replace fruits, vegetables, and meats all together. Thought it might be somethin I'd like to trying seeing as how I don't have much room in my bags for food." "So you just picked up a unknown plant, in a vault filled with unnatural abominations, and decided to eat it." "Yup that about sums it up, Archy" Arcade looked entirely dead inside. He couldn't really say he was surprised as this wasn't the first time she had done something like this, but he was still very unenthused at this turn of events. He reached forward and nocked the fruit half from her hand grabbing her arm, and pulling her away from the vault. If it had been anyone else pulling at her she would have laid them out then and there, but she knew Arcade always meant well. Instead she just followed along begrudgingly barely keeping her feet under her with his brisk pace. "So where are we going now," huffed Val. "The fort. We're getting you looked at and maybe your stomach pumped," sighed Arcade.

Val rolled her eyes. She knew this meant it was about to be the start of another very long and boring day at the fort. Days at the fort usually were, but especially when Arcade had them run tests. "Fine then, lets get going," said Val, as if she ever had a choice.

Song for Soul: Young Blood by The Districts

I wanted to share this song by The Districts because music is such an important part of my life. Sometime mid-February, I started a playlist on Spotify called “Blue Rage” - feel free to give it a listen. It’s a collection of songs that do a really good job of summing up how I feel and how I like to listen to music. I can become absorbed in all of my anger and frustration and sadness and just get lost in the sound. Each song has its own mood and this alt-rock playlist as a collective has just been my mood for the past couple months.

And as a dancer, I am very in tune to the way a song sounds. But the words in these songs have been the most powerful words I’ve heard in a while. The lyrics can be so acutely sympathetic or just total ambiguous expression. And I just wanted to share some of the lyrics from this song because this is the song that I felt the first shreds of understanding about my situation.

“Love is patient and wise, but it's not always kind when you learn how it leaves So nimble and lithe, through your fingers like sand It never lingers I'm grating my hands”

It really was this overwhelmingly sudden experience. When mom began going through menopause, the doctor’s noticed a mass that was concerning and so she had a hysterectomy. And the first round of chemo that followed was always spoken of as a preventative countermeasure. She always made sure that I wouldn’t worry because I was in Fayetteville away from everything. I never thought it was something to worry about. We were so sure it was nothing that I didn’t tell my friends. I didn’t talk about. I didn’t even think about it.

And it was equally naive as it was terrifying. My mom always told me she would have to be wheeled out of the building before she would retire. She worked so hard and was so active and healthy I never thought to worry that this would slow her down. She was my mom. She was invincible. And she rang that bell.

And then we were told that it didn’t work. That the whole time cancer had been growing and the doctor’s have no idea what to do. And so she went to MD Anderson in Texas- the best freaking cancer hospital in the country. And they still didn’t know what was going on. And it’s hard to remember all of the details because she would just call me and update. Or text me. And so I was so removed from the situation it was hard to understand how scary it was for her. Because she was so brave to me.

And then  "We got our first bit of good news today! The CA125 tumor marker test that was done in June was 78 and the one done last week after the first cycle of the new drugs was 14.5!!! The Dr. is excited, I am excited, so very hopeful and thankful and doing a happy dance. Hoping to work that number down to zero!💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻" Is the text I received today from my amazing mom. Doing a happy dance and flipping the bird to cancer today.” That was on September 12th, 2017.

My patience is waning, I'm growing tired In the scorn of the weather, my fickle heart fades And I can't make the grade But I'll graduate gently without stories worth singing, of my own Just need a little romance I just need a little time Just need a little young love, to ease my mind

This is perhaps the most succinct verse I have ever heard. After the good news, I began to feel comfortable with mom’s condition, began to have hope again. My life was normal again and I was excited for the future, not scared of it. I went to the International Sculpture Conference in Kansas City and networked with some inspiring people and finally felt fuel for the fire to pursue my two degrees. I finally felt like I wasn’t crazy- that people like me are out there and I can really make a career for myself combining engineering and art. And I went to Austin City Limits with my friends and saw the Gorillaz- a favorite band of mine. And I saw Arcade Fire front row with a best friend in Kansas City. And I celebrated Halloween in Dallas seeing Ghostland Observatory with my friends. And then I went to Chicago with my best friend to celebrate our 21st birthdays. Our birthdays are a day apart and during finals week, so we decided to celebrate afterwards with a week of celebration in one of my favorite cities.

And while we were in Chicago, we were staying in this beautiful, historic house where we played pool one night and just had a lowkey evening. Then his mom called in the middle of our game and he took a few minutes to talk to her. I realized then that I hadn’t shared much of my time in Chicago with my mom yet- hadn’t called or texted except to say we made it safely. He told me that I should call my mom more. I said he was right. It would be my New Year’s Resolution to try and call my mom whenever I had free time. On my way home from class, while I’m eating dinner, when I’m taking a study break. That it wasn’t that I didn’t love talking to my mom, I just got busy.

And I want to make it very clear that that was my relationship with my mother. She was so supportive of me doing my thing and traveling and experiencing what life had to offer. I mean, when she was young she moved to LA. And what sucks is that I want to write more about how that unfolded for her but I don’t know all the details. If I had three things I could ask my mom today, one of them would be to know the entire chronicle of her life... there’s so much I still want to know.

And then I came home to the entire family at my house. They broke the news. I had what I didn’t know would be my last words. I was a total fucking wreck. I suddenly felt so bad for gallivanting across the country for the past year. I suddenly felt so sick at my stomach I’m surprised I didn’t vomit. That was the most jarring moment of my short life so far. Just over Thanksgiving she was prepping the mountains of delicious food she makes every year. The pain and the drugs and the chemo made her tired, but she was up. She was alert. She was my mom.

My ears ring, teeth grind, think I'd be able better off blind, she said So that I won't picture it I've yet to grow patient, I've yet to grow kind Love was patient and wise, but didn't stay through time Preoccupied we were, now my smile's breaking But if I learn to relax all my muscles in vain Float on the waves see if your heart still remains, it's as wide as the ocean The birds in the sky

And we had one last Christmas together. And she was gone the morning of December 26th, 2017. 

And she had only just found out that there was nothing more to do -  That she should go into hospice care -  On the day I told my friend it would be my Resolution to call her more -  Four days before she was gone. 

It's a long way down from the top to the bottom It's a long way back to a high from where I am

I live my life in the upside down. Everything is the same but shifted. I have lost a limb and I’ve been bleeding out. I’ve been losing sleep and health and hope. I have been spewing grief and insecurity. I patched myself up with apathy and discipline but I want to be healing.

It’s in my nature to just push forward. To just keep working. That life isn’t fair but it is what you make it. And I’ve learned that from the best. From someone who made their life what they wanted- who worked harder than anyone- who loved and laughed with all her heart.

And so I want to talk about this stuff now. I want to get some stuff off my chest now. Because with as much physical work I am trying to do everyday, I need to. I am dedicated to my studies. I am determined to keep a healthy diet and workout regularly. I am motivated to see my friends. I am in love with my significant other. 

I’m on the long way back to being me.