#surely i can't be weak for. wtvr but like. all that is smth that is not up to me. trying that w how i oft feel i don't belong in this world
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i'll succeed with everything. definitely.
#🌙.vent#last one fr then i think i have enough energy to fix my account. bcs. i don't really care. anymore. gna gaslight myself into being fine 🤍#smiling felt painful earlier but oh well! this is stupid anyways i shldn't think too much. this is so stupid#i have so much thoughts but yk what i will stop writing n force myself to do wtvr the fuck n yh fuck everything i'll stop overthinking i'll#just be myself. i thrive the most when i just be myself <3.. no wait i was gen doing a bit better but every time i think back n. 🥹 it Hurts#but. why the hell am i letting these stupid things bring me down. i've never really been the type to hide or bring myself down or. yeah#i shouldn't think too much on it all i know eventually i'll always succeed :< that said tho i am rlly v tired i just wna be invisible#for a while. see what'll happen if i just disappear or cut myself off from the world. if anything wld change if i'll be 'gone' in some way#but no that's bad n destructive behavior i Shouldn't but sometimes when i get stressed enough i lack any care to. stop myself maybe. but.#i made promises to myself. a lot of promises to myself in my past n to my future that. i won't do anything i'll regret. holding unto tmrrw.#the future. holding unto that sense of hope has kept me alive. even if i'll always be full of regret and disappointment i want to live to#to love and to succeed and to be free and to. fight the world & find my freedom in reality. thats hard for me n i probably dont deserve it#maybe that's precisely why i'll forge on ahead. to prove that wrong. to be kind to the other part of me that has kept me alive#it sucks bcs while. like i just said i don't think i deserve certain things. at heart i know my main truth wld be that ik i'm deserving#bcs i'm human too :< but both ends r just intense in my head n when times r draining it gets harder to. yeah#idk what i'm writing anymore but no matter how hard it gets i need to succeed. i need to improve i need something better#i'll work hard enough so i could be at peace. have freedom in my own way. 'fly' as i'm meant to and as i've always wished to#that said though ik i'll succeed in terms of several of my passions but when it comes to people.... i always feel like i fail there T_T#every time i'm distant i'm aware of how it affects me negatively but then i try to deny it at times bcs 'i just need myself blah blah'#surely i can't be weak for. wtvr but like. all that is smth that is not up to me. trying that w how i oft feel i don't belong in this world#i can't help but think that there'll always be better ppl than me for others. not that i think low of myself but its hard to feel i 'fit in#? it's a lonely world for me n i still can relate w others n socialize n wtvr n all but it just hurts. this is stupid :c thoughts like#'my friends wld be better off without me' or 'i dont contribute much anyways' & 'not much would change if i'll be gone' hurt me bcs#i do want to believe that i'm loved & cared for too in this world but.. it hurts its one of my weakest points. a hell i can't escape.#but i'm fine with it. it's my fault. my mind's fault. idk i live in my own lil world most of the time n i feel too different from others#so it's always been hard for me to reach out since i don't think it would be particularly wanted from me but i do love helping others#unconditionally n. my family's always been here from the start i can always trust them. fuck my old friends though i have trust issues#i'm working on that n i know all i shld technically fix w myself but it's easier said than done n. genuinely i rlly want to improve.#but i wonder if i'm too harsh n perfectionistic about it. making it counterintuitive. sigh. idk what i'm writing anymore i'm a mess#i'm fine. when i'm stressed n overwhelmed it's just v easy for me to lose sight of myself. i'll be fine i think soon. just need to remember
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