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iamafictionfreak · 2 years

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Tantric Healing and Tawan?

(Right. I wrote something at the start of the week that work, and family made impossible for me to have the time to upload. At the end I rambled a bit about what I think is to come in the latter half of the show. You don’t have to read it but since I took the time to write it I might as well reveal how the show’s screwing with me. Also, only ten gifs per post? How are we supposed to obsess appropriately??)

Let’s talk about this fandom’s favourite subject: Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex

No, SERIOUSLY. Let’s. Talk. About. The. Sex. Stuff. This girl can’t get passed it. Don’t you understand how incredible that scene was, how significant? Let’s not skip how they took a very base, very COMMON, very normal activity and elevated it into something so beautiful, something special, despite the circumstances.

Hand jobs can be as much an act of love as they can be a quickie in a bathroom.

This was no quickie in a bathroom.

This was a conversation – this was a mutual back and forth, a very passionate, explorative, exciting expression of the EVERYTHING both were feeling and goddamn, I don’t recall any other show – focusing on whatever sexuality – that has managed to so realistically pull something like this off.

It was so intimate, I felt like I was an intruder, except they were inviting us in as witnesses.

That moment was simultaneously a ‘how to’ for two men who want to fuck and evidence that a hand job can be seen as a dirty, base act in human sexual activity, just as it’s fundamental to the exploration of your love. It’s as much an act of love as sex or kissing. It’s simply more exposed. More intimate. More revealing in some ways.

With these two, these old hats when it comes to sex and the like, it shouldn’t be anything more than an act and it wasn’t. Let’s celebrate.

Kinn knows Porsche views sex as practical and a monetary earner and knows he’s never been in a relationship, just as Kinn knows he entertains escorts for stress relief and hasn’t kissed anyone – and meant it – in a long time. They both use sex for practical reasons because they don’t know how to trust people, and themselves, with more.

Saying Porsche is loose is as much a smack against Porsche’s self-neglect - and neglect in general - as it is against his feelings for Kinn.

Did Tawan cheat on him? Did Tawan abuse the trust Kinn put in him?

There has to be something beyond Tawan being his ex-boyfriend who he clearly loved, because Kinn’s behaviour is showing a massive scabbed over but never allowed to heal wound.

But back to casual sex. Porsche would have done anything for his brother. Nothing he necessarily regrets because it got his brother closer to his dream. Porsche knows Kinn understands that. To deliberately demean Porsche, was so far passed what he thought Kinn could do there.

It ties back to the way he’d fooled Vegas, the way he’d looked so content with Kinn’s entrance: he thought Kinn would read him and the situation and come up 10 out of 10.

Except Kinn is being battered on all sides: it’s no mistake that Kinn’s one area of freedom - Porsche - is where Kinn erupts, because he can trust Porsche with this, reveal this broken component that will always be part of him, that can’t help but be jealous, that twists situations because he’s been betrayed before. He’s being betrayed now, by his father. By Vegas. By his bodyguards.

Kinn ran away with himself on this haze of anger and mistrust – he knows Porsche hasn’t done anything, but he doesn’t understand why he wouldn’t.

Kinn’s a pain in the ass. He knows he’s difficult, impossible even, to handle at the best of times. It would take a very special man to want to stay with someone like Kinn.

Okay, we really need to go back to Tawan. Either Kinn knows he's alive, Kinn actually thinks he killed him/he’s dead, or daddy dearest took him out. Either way, Kinn loved Tawan and somehow it went to shit. Receiving the love of a Mafia Don in training would never be easy, but it can’t be that simple, not THIS story. He betrayed Kinn or Kinn did something that embarrassed the family because of Tawan. Whether Kinn knows Tawan’s alive isn’t a concern here – it’s that Kinn has been here before and I do think Porsche returning is significant precisely because it’s the opposite of what happened with Tawan.

Kinn could never, would never, engage in a relationship after that where the other party responds the same way. People are already trying to compare Porsche with Tawan, but I don’t think that’s right. I think on the surface, they appear that way and Kinn will be judged as having replaced one with the other. But Kinn is getting to know Porsche. He came back to Kinn of his own volition. He came back knowing Kinn can’t be 100% himself with him because of the responsibilities he has to his family.

Sensitive to this, Kinn has been moving slowly with Porsche. Genuinely terrified that Porsche made a mistake or will retract his overture because Kinn doesn’t know how to navigate this.

Notice how they haven’t had sex yet? Trust me, they didn’t off screen. It’s important.

Kinn knows his father is against this, for whatever reason. He’s waiting for Korn to respond in full – so far, his father has given Kinn verbal warnings, but eventually he’ll do more. Why he’s set against Kinn having a heart is beyond me: it can make you stronger, but clearly Korn has suffered because of it.

Unless he’s testing Kinn and hoping Kinn takes a stand against him. It’ll reveal that he’s ready to rule. But for now, Kinn doesn’t know how to do this. It went tits up last time and though he’s learned a lot since then, he still doesn’t know how to protect his partner without paradoxically exposing himself and vice versa.

He doesn’t order Pete to spy on Porsche because he distrusts him, he does it because he knows Vegas, and Porsche is tempting. Pete really didn’t help, he just stoked fires. All week, or longer, Kinn’s been the most helpless he’s ever felt: he’s had to watch this man he knows he’s fallen for be pulled away from him.

If Kinn were at the level of a Don he’d just tell everyone to fuck themselves and then he’d pull some stunt out of his ass to prove why pushing him is a mistake. But as it is, he’s even had to pretend that he doesn’t care whether Vegas poaches on Porsche. Much to Porsche’s dislike. Seriously, Porsche hates Kinn’s apathy.

Kinn’s not remotely apathetic in that last scene.

Porsche makes Kinn very aware of how not free he is, just as he provides Kinn with that route to freedom.

In an instant, that old fear erupts in an angry, toxic green mess of jealousy, loneliness, self-hate, and anger. Suspicion. As if he’s been betrayed again.

It’s just so much easier to guard himself and lash out. He needs to vent – and Porsche is supposed to get that, to see the problem with Vegas and know psychically what Vegas will do before he does it!!

He doesn’t allow himself to see the way Porsche relaxed on his arrival, but he does see the hurt in Porsche, and he wants it. He wants Porsche to be hurt and lash out at him, he wants this argument. In arguing, the truth can come out – it isn’t necessarily healthy, but it’s miles better than how they navigated their emotions in episode 5.

He wants to argue because he’s repressed every-fucking-thing and it’s at a boiling point. This is all desire and insidious levels of jealousy and fear. He can’t vent the way he wants to because until he knows Porsche is 100% in, he won’t allow himself to go there with him physically.

I think Porsche bringing up Tawan, in THAT moment, was incredibly interesting: like he’s deliberately pushing Kinn. Porsche wants Kinn riled to hell. But Kinn’s already there. Porsche is in front of him, shirtless. Another man had been all over him. KINN’S ALREADY THERE.

Notice the way Kinn reacts to the mention of Tawan. Whatever once happened, Kinn’s past it in one way. BUT. Kinn needs closure. Kinn has unresolved issues to the maximum. Until he gets it, his past will always be a weapon against him; one his father wields cruelly. One Vegas has tried to use to pull Porsche from him, much to his failure.

Porsche wasn’t supposed to use it against hm too. Even here.

Kinn doesn’t lock down, he rises like a fucking cobra and goes for the jugular. Believe it or not, again, it’s such an improvement to episode 5 because they’re leaning into the chemistry between them as opposed to pushing the other away. Here, they’re violently drawing each other in.

And he gets slapped for it. Gets to see the damage he caused in the one person who doesn’t deserve it. It pulls him out of a very dark spiral of history. Kinn doesn’t want to be the same as he’s been for so long; distrustful and too sharp for his own good.

(GIF by @liyazaki )

Kinn doesn’t let Porsche leave, they’re way past that. And he can’t. It’s instinctive now.

Porsche doesn’t want to leave; Porsche isn’t that weak: he’s a stallion. No, he lets Kinn pull him back.

There’s no way Kinn’s hands are lifting, not once they’re on Porsche’s skin; Kinn’s already gone on the guy, now he has a physical handhold. Unless Porsche makes it clear that he no longer wants Kinn, Kinn’s routed.

And he’s in agony.

Look how his eyes are closed here, how he knows he’s fucked up. But he also knows that Porsche isn’t running, knows that Porsche isn’t pushing him off either, like he did with Vegas. Kinn would let go if he did. Porsche is simply hurt.

( GIF by @laurenkmyers )

And he’s waiting.

That’s how they work. Porsche has the control in this area. Kinn pushes and pushes and pushes and Porsche lets him, antagonises him even. Kinn pushed too far in his effort to reach the truth and Porsche is still letting him keep him there, because he wants Kinn to make it right, because he wants to understand Kinn, as much as what he said hurt.

If Kinn does what Porsche needs him to do, it’ll prove that what Porsche has been feeling from Kinn is accurate: that Kinn’s in this with him.

The way he curls in on himself, expecting Kinn to respect his space whilst giving Kinn space to make this right. And Kinn unlike Vegas doesn’t force Porsche around, doesn’t press kisses where they aren’t wanted.

I know episode 6 made people feel like their relationship should be solid but for me, it was the opposite. Episode 6 broke open their world’s. How deep it goes is about to be revealed.

This wasn’t what Kinn wanted tonight, and Porsche walking out would ruin him. And he’s so fucking sorry for making a bad situation for Porsche, worse. For not being able to control old habits in time.

Porsche means everything to him and it’s terrifying but Kinn’s dying to connect.

I meant it. Kinn needs to reach Porsche in all the ways he knows. The ways of sex but he wishes he knew another way - he’s been holding back since the clusterfuck following their first time, because he did everything wrong and he’s scared of doing that again, of taking them some place further when Porsche isn’t ready. Kinn really needs to sex this guy up. Or down. Repeatedly.

@lutawolf once told me that sex is Kinn’s love language and I'm so gone on it.

Porsche too has held back. He’s figuring this out too, he’s learning Kinn, but he’s avoiding the places where it hurts.

Kinn desperately wants to show how much Porsche means to him, but he doesn’t know how to with words.

And Porsche is so still. Waiting for Kinn.

( GIF by @dingyuxi )

But notice as well how the atmosphere between them doesn’t dissipate. It’s still right there: not even just a pulse, it’s an entire weight of heat and want and fear and love and regret and a plea. And it doesn’t crush, it envelops them.

Devotion written on his skin; we haven’t seen Kinn be like this yet. Has Kinn worshipped before? It looks like worship.

It looks like love.

This scene was filled. There’s just so much there, in that tiny moment even – never mind the rest of the scene.

The apology Kinn writes on his skin with his own.

Feeling the truth of it, Porsche turns and then they’re both stood in the light. There’s this little noise Kinn makes as Porsche turns – turns slowly, like he understands how on edge Kinn is and is telling him that he’s not leaving – and it’s desperate, worried, hopeful.

On seeing what this really is, Kinn relaxes into his relief… but he doesn’t stop touching Porsche, breathing him in, taking him in, showing him just how much he’s feeling through touch and sensation.

He’s so full of feeling here – it’s all for Porsche.

Porsche’s scent.

His skin.

His hair.

Porsche’s attention.

Porsche.

Porsche isn’t leaving and Kinn’s just… seeing him… wanting him… pleading.

Kinn’s felt love before, but this is different – this is an altogether new traverse and words are failing him.

Wanting to prove he’s sorry, Kinn starts slow. Uses his mouth, mouths regret on Porsche’s skin even as he lavishes attention upon it. The way he inhales and laps at his throat, like he wants to eat him, like it’s not enough and then the kiss…

Kinn wouldn’t reach for Porsche without Porsche’s say so here. I’m going to skip the whole ask and nod thing because the fandom wrung that moment dry the other night.

(GIF by @moerusai )

I will focus for just a moment on Porsche’s hips and Kinn’s thumbs as they skate over them again. Porsche is delicious. He has beautiful hips; they could make models cry. Kinn’s very aware of his body: it’s his most favourite thing (yes, it helps that Apo is an Adonis and that the crew know that, but there’s a difference between knowing it and utilising it to its fullest here and Mile’s done wonderfully). You can see it in the worship of his hands, the respect in them.

(GIF by @namchyoon )

The way Kinn watches Porsche’s face as he jerks him off almost had my own eyes rolling into my head, Jesus. It’s CLEAR – God, is it – that Kinn’s extremely aroused just from Porsche’s pleasure, from Porsche letting him do this. The way Kinn’s relief has led him to letting go, led him to loving him and feeling each movement of his wrist as if he were him with the grip on his dick. And Porsche would never let him do this if he hadn’t forgiven him if he wasn’t accepting. It’s bliss.

Porsche has missed Kinn. These past weeks where he’s worked with Vegas, he’s shown in little ways that he really doesn’t want Vegas’s attention and he utilised an effective tactic to discover why. But the whole time, he wanted to go back to Kinn. I’m firm in the belief that he didn’t wear underwear because he was planning on visiting Kinn after a few drinks – drunk Porsche can be lush Porsche too, but he’s well acquainted with himself whilst he’s drunk, and he hadn’t drunk anywhere near enough for him to be that. No, he wanted to enjoy himself and them… go to Kinn.

To see his face, feel his touch, hear his voice, and not have to worry that Kinn will pull away.

He’s not pulling away.

He’s giving, but this time Porsche wants to show Kinn that he understands his regret, he forgives him and wants him. Very much. Wants to see him come undone more than he wants it for himself.

So, he opens Kinn’s pants, takes him in hand and surprises the shit out of Kinn who’s been more than willing to place Porsche’s pleasure about his own. He’s been waiting for permission to touch him again, but he hadn’t thought Porsche would…

Okay, Porsche kissed him in the middle of nowhere. That kiss could have ignited a thousand stars, but it’s not this. Porsche reciprocating is beyond anything that Kinn thought he would have here.

Porsche not only reading Kinn but wanting to give this to him? It releases the need in Kinn and watch him go brainless for a moment, watch his hand stop moving, watch him pull around to see Porsche’s face, to confirm why Porsche is doing this and-

( GIF by @tiedankelstotheocean )

It’s clear as day: the smug, happy, carnal desire in Porsche’s face from watching Kinn letting him reciprocate, from watching Kinn feel.

You know, I don’t think Porsche immediately took them both in hand – I think he started with Kinn and Kinn, so blown away and breathless enough to start that incredibly intoxicating gasping, had to let go of Porsche. Let Porsche take over.

And just like Kinn, Porsche is getting off on touching Kinn and hearing Kinn and watching Kinn, but it’s a very different kind of pleasure. He’s so quiet in comparison to Kinn, his long sighs almost drowned out by Kinn’s desperate, breathy moans.

The hand grip on Porsche’s hair, Kinn’s seat. His point of stability and control as the rest of him looses composure, and he does lose composure. It’s another point of freedom – his smiles are as wide if not wider than they were then they were both in the forest together, trusting Porsche who gets bolder and bolder, who eventually takes them both in hand and I don’t believe for a second that Porsche needed much after that to join him.

(GIF by @earthmix-myonethousandstar

But yes, the hand – keeping Porsche right there, both where Kinn wants him to be and where Porsche wants to be.

(GIF by @akindofemotionaltether )

When they both reach their mutual climax, Porsche’s is quiet, soft and easing whereas Kinn’s feels like his was ripped out of his gut.

Again, with Porsche in the driver’s seat, he pulls Kinn closer – seriously, they don’t give a shit about their surroundings: their penises are touching, and they’ve just orgasmed. They’re good where they are – because contact contact contact and the beautiful whimper from Kinn tells me he loves it too and please don’t stop wanting me Porsche.

It’s not surprising that Kinn’s quieting gasps turn into little sobs and pleas for comfort. Kinn really needed this. To have all the ugly feelings he was experiencing, destroyed. To feel like everything’s simple for a moment, to feel Porsche.

It wasn’t only Porsche he hurt.

What’s Next?

So, I went on about the sex – OF COURSE I DID – but not much about Tawan.

I think what we all need to breathe in and accept about Kinn’s history is that Kinn both learned a lot about himself from Tawan and that Tawan almost succeeded in ruining him.

Kinn’s love of bathing? That’s Tawan’s influence.

Kinn being a total Dominant? It’s likely that he either learned that he was one with Tawan or he became one because of Tawan.

Kinn’s distrust? Tawan in the physical personification of it.

Whether we like it or not, Tawan is going to be a huge roadblock for our leading couple.

Do I think that Kinn is still in love with Tawan?

No. As said earlier, I think Kinn’s issues all tie back to Tawan – the issues not revolving around his own parents, that is – and that Tawan might have power over him because of it. Of course, this won’t last, but if it’s accurate, Porsche is in for a rough time.

If Tawan can twist what Kinn is seeing, I think that Tawan might either push Kinn to fear his own feelings for Porsche – feelings that threaten to make his past love for Tawan look like Childs play – or he’ll push Kinn to tighten his control over Porsche and take steps back emotionally.

Or – and it’s just as bad – Tawan will make Kinn question whether Porsche is the mole.

The bitch.

We are not supposed to like this character. He’s here to make Porsche feel uneasy, unsafe and hurt. I'm guessing here's here because he wants Kinn or wants to destroy Kinn.

I’ve mentioned before that Vegas – obsessed as he is with Kinn – should be investigated to see if he’s poached on Kinn’s lovers. Like all of them. If we’re all right about him, Vegas is probably working with Tawan, which makes Vegas just as much the enemy I’m afraid.

Two potential sadists working together… fuck.

KinnPorsche have a ways to go yet before they’re working together to combat this. I’m extremely nervous about all the angst to come but I know we’ll get to a good place with them after the fact.

But I feel like the next episode is going to really lower our defences. After the bathroom scene – seriously, how audacious was it of them to do that in Vegas’s bathroom, talk about showing him whose boss – we’ll see our leads be more open about each other, more besotted. Happier.

And then, with the entrance of Tawan, it might shatter.

But. There’s hope.

So, we were all wrong about the pool scene following on from the ‘I’m by your side' moment. Pool scene happens episode 8/9 and from the way the fandom has once again broken down every piece of media we’ve been given, we now know that Apo’s favourite line won’t be happening till closer to the end of the season.

In Porsche returning to Kinn, it suggests he leaves Kinn. Kinn’s reaction – to pointing a gun in Porsche’s face – tells me that he might have lost Porsche’s trust and then has asked for Porsche to trust him anyway and Porsche has left him. I highly doubt that if this is factual, it’ll last more than one episode simply because they don’t have time.

This is an epic romance precisely because KinnPorsche are going to beat the odds, so don’t lose heart.

We also know that Mile’s favourite moment is Kinn’s profession of love… why do I think Kinn does this twice? Like, there’s more than one moment where he tells Porsche he loves him. The first moment preceding the pool scene, in private, and the second moment…

Guy’s, I do think that there’s going to be a scene – in front of God, his father, his bodyguards and everyone in existence – where Kinn openly declares Porsche as his equal, his love, his all. It’ll be the moment that ends the niggling insecurities in Porsche and it’ll show Kinn’s readiness to lead.

What else, what else…

Oh, the Mole. Who I still think is Big. Or Ken. Or both of them.

It’s not because they’ve taken to actively disliking Porsche from the get-go. It’s because Big’s already shown both an ability to be dubious and a need to please those with more power than him. He’s subservient to everyone – Big shows his respect and love through acts of service, but these acts of service are based on predetermined rules. As such, they have no value to Kinn and for Kim, Big’s just another weasel who can be bought.

It leads me to believe that Big is a little delusional and a lot blinded by whatever he’s feeling for Kinn.

Look at how he deals with Porsche when the little shit rubs it in his face that he’s just been to the spa with Kinn.

Firstly, Porsche CAN read Big and knew exactly where to target to have an effect.

Secondly, in retaliation, Big sends Porsche to take condoms and lube to Kinn’s room, knowing that Kinn’s right in the middle of entertaining his ‘guest’. He does it in the hopes that Kinn being gay will push Porsche away. The fact that Big automatically believes Kinn being gay will repel Porsche tells me more about Big than Porsche.

Is Big passively homophobic? Or is just that he has a deeply negative opinion of everyone who Kinn comes into contact with, because, you know, jealousy? Or is it because that’s all he’s known his entire life? Has he had to deal with dislike for being gay in the past?

I do think it centres more on Kinn than Big’s past and it backfires on the blind fool. When I say he’s delusional AND the mole, I mean that – IF I’M RIGHT – everything he’s doing, he thinks is for Kinn’s safety and happiness. It means he’s lying to himself. It means he’s very selfish. It means he doesn’t really see Kinn at all, he sees himself. It means he’ll miss certain dangers and allow others to continue. It means he’s actively participating in a plot to make Kinn miserable and more trapped than ever.

It means he, Vegas and Tawan are in cahoots. It means Big has been unknowingly preyed upon by two predators.

I only include Ken because he’s the biggest mystery of them all and that they seem to work together in almost everything.

That and they aren’t seen in the footage of the big shootout that we know is coming towards the end of the season. It’s extremely suggestive. It's also all conjecture.

Added at the last minute:

Lets talk about sex some more!

So, we have the upcoming pool sex which is delicious, but according to Apo and Mile’s, there’s a scene where they were the most nervous and it doesn’t involve the pool – it involves red lights??? Which, we haven’t had yet… unless you consider the warm glow of their first sex scene to be red lights- except it’s not, is it? We have more to come. Pun intended.

Considering they were jerking each other off just now, I’m a little afraid at what would make them the most nervous???

But also, you know, GIVE IT TO ME!

I do think we’ll get sex in the last two episodes. It’ll be the reuniting of our main leads. I also think/hope we’ll get felacio and we’ll have Porsche worshipping Kinn’s body at some point.

We know we’re getting a VegasPete scene, and I don’t think we’re prepared for that either.

I don’t think we’ll get a KimChay scene. I think they’ll kiss. Anything else… season 2?

Whelp, I’ve wrung this dry 😊

#kinnporsche #stupid work #stupid me #kinnporsche meta #stupid brain #THERE ARE MUCH BETTER METAS #this came through late and it's my bad #but I can now move on from that freaking scene

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