maybe if i repeat i will not be fucking bitter about the fact that california got yet another show when they've had 3 concerts there already and still no news about a possible euro tour like a mantra it will actually work :)

I'm so afraid of having people worry or stress about me I'll never actually talk to them about how I'm feeling. I really think I need to talk to someone though. I'm okay in that I go about my days, I'm still doing why I have to do and I'm able to rationalize why I'm feeling this way. I just don't know how to move past it. I thought I did, I guess Part of me constantly doing for other people is so I don't have to focus on myself. I literally hate talking about myself, I'm almost incapable of talking about my feelings to people, I can write them here cause nobody in my life will see this. The past year an a half has been the hardest in my fucking life. I spent a month in a court room watching people who ruined my fathers life already try and discredit his livelihood, his work ethic and his character. I listened for a month to a heartless bastard try and tear my father apart, try and down play how his quality of life isn't totally ruined even when this next surgery could leave him a quadriplegic, that doesn't mean anything to them though. A slight setback compared to what everyone else is going through, I got shingles, for 4 weeks I had the worst pains, at times I literally could not touch my skin at all u till the nerve pain went away. My best friend and mother of 4 beautiful babies tried to take her life due to post- parting depression, I thank god everyday she's still here and is better. On top of all that, the first thing that started off the 2 year streak of heartbreak and I don't think anything can be as emotionally, and physically painful as losing someone who was a brother to me, he was my fucking brother and he took his own life. The entire situation kills me, I'm heart broken for him of course I miss him every day of my life but like I can't just think about him and not think about everything else that connects to it. I was handling it alright I guess, I kept busy taking care of my grandmother and driving my dad to his doctors appts and hospitals and court I had enough to keep me occupied. So when my grandmother really started getting bad I went to her everyday, sometimes once, twice, three times a day. In October when she really just stopped eating or drinking, responding to any of us, my mom and I slept there every night. We knew it was her time, she practically was begging god to take her a few weeks before. My mom and I slept in chairs for over a week, we finally told my dad and siblings to all come my sister and brother in law came from Maryland my other sister from the city. We sat till 330am talking at her bedside, as soon as everybody left, my mom and I got in our chairs and I was holding her hand about to sleep she started to go, her breathing was getting slower and slower, and I watched her take her last gasp for air. She was 92 and she's suffered so much I was happy she was at peace but I selfishly still needed her. She gave me a purpose, she is the only person who needed me and made me feel like what I do is worth something. My entire life has literally been centered around her. I quit sports to take care of her, I used to stay up till 5am after getting home from class at 11pm to be there when she would hallucinate and yell to calm her so she wouldn't wake everyone else up at night. One year for some reason I woke up really depressed on my birthday and went to her and she didn't even remember who I was when I walked in but she still made me feel so good, eventually she realized who I was and continued to tell me she loved me the most. I didn't work to be there for her and I wouldn't change any of it, she's the most magnificent women, the strongest women there ever was she deserved to be at peace. But now I'm left to figure out a life with out her. I was crushed when John died for so many reasons but i was still always sure of myself, sure of my purpose and what I wanted... i think, idk anymore. When Lady G passed, im heartbroken only because I miss her presence, I am happy she's at peace with my grandpa and her son again. I've had crazy anxiety since she passed away though. My brother in law went through something similar, he took care of his grandmother and she passed and he get a little lost. He was telling me to occupy myself with photography, really start practicing my guitar, start working out again, go back to school like I've been wanting. I've still yet to do any of that because then the day after my grandma passed away my other grandma was hospitalized, I spent two weeks in pa with my aunt going to the hospital everyday, told she has 10 masses in her brain, telling us they're sure it's cancer we're waiting for a biopsy result to confirm. It wasn't cancer it wasn't fatal she will have more than the next three months, because of her autoimmune disease it gave a chance for some parasite to cause a major infection in her brain causing lesions in her brain. So now we know what her problem is, now a new problem they can't treat the autoimmune disease and the brain infection at the same time. They have to stop treatment completely for her immune disease to help fight the infection, another problem, she's allergic to penicillin and one other antibiotic, they figured out some other ones but it's a combination of things idk not as effective. I spent a month watching my grandma die and then before I could burry her, I was expecting to lose my other grandmother. She was out of the hospital for 2 months and today she went back in for a lung infection, possibly due to the parasite, nothing fucking makes sense. They're telling us ten different things all the time I don't even think they know if they can get rid of it. Now my dad has a lung infection which he may end up hospitalized again if it doesn't get under control because he's got lung disease from 9/11 and like clock work for years he would be hospitalized for two weeks at a time. Bonus he's also allergic to penicillin, if he can't get rid of this infection completely he may have to wait longer for his next spine surgery. I need a fucking job and I don't know which way is up lately. Everyday is something and I take one step to lose 3, I don't know how to help myself and better myself when everybody else is going through what they're going through and I feel like I'm being pulled every which way yet still standing still. I can't focus on anything, at all, ever anymore. I watched a kids movie today and his brother died and I started crying then the fucking robot played a video of the kid and I started crying, I saw a meditalks post of a spinal fusion and I teared up terrified that this will be his 4th spine surgery, will it leave him paralyzed, will it be the last or will it be successful and help him be able to feel better for once. Everything's stressing me the fuck out and the only thing I've been able to do about it is type these fucking post to help clear my head. And it helps for a little while until the next thing comes along. I want to actually feel the vibes I give off to people. When I'm laughing and playing and joking I want that to be genuine, I want to be able to tell people I'm good and believe it and for it to be true. I'm blessed more than I could ever deserve, I know this. I really pray that when everybody and everything is settled again, why my grandmas out of the hospital again, when my dads feeling better, when we finally complete this move, I pray that I can finally focus on myself. I need to rebuild myself, mentally, physically, spiritually and professionally. To better help others you need to better yourself first. I need to get back on track. I'm feeling stuck, I've been at a standstill but I'm trying, I need to try harder. I'll get to where I'm supposed to be. It's just so hard when I still feel that hole in my chest. I still feel an actual emptiness and I don't know if it'll ever go away, I'm learning to live with it but it's just so hard.