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hitchell-mope · 4 years

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(Third Film. Jane’s birthday party)

Dizzy: I LOVE THIS FOOD! What is it?

Jane: Mal made them. Ben’s recipe. Uhhhh. Mac’n’Cheese cupcakes.

Dizzy: no matter what happens stop me when I’ve had 50.

Lonnie: and how many have you had already?

Dizzy: 25

Lonnie: ah.

(Dizzy runs off laughing like mad)

Lonnie: so when’s the string quartet coming

Jane: hopefully never

Lonnie: you’re not enjoying yourself are you?

Jane: I am. I am, it’s just. Mother made a schedule. No opening my presents until she gets here and she’s not here. And neither are the rest of our friends and I don’t want another geometry book or a rock polisher. I stopped collecting rocks when I was 10.

Lonnie: hey, hey. It’s alright. Party’ll pick up. Just wait til Mal gets here. We’ll finally see the famous routine

Jane (chuckling): infamous more like with all the cloak and dagger she’s put into it

Lonnie: I’d thought you’d seen it.

Jane: I have. Mal said there’s more to it though. Not for anyone over fifty. And mothers darn near a million

Lonnie: well. 99 thousand eight hundred and 37. And a half

(Both girls burst into a giggle fit. Half way up the embankment Chadeficent is arguing with a chaperone)

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): hey dickbrain. I’m on the list. Chad. Charming. My father pays your salary. So you can take this piece of scrap and shove it up your

Dizzy: what in Grimm’s name are you doing here?

Chadeficent (both voices): silence wretch

Jane: Chad. Are you ok?

Chadeficent (Maleficent’s voice): perfectly well my dear little girl

(Their eyes glow black. Jane gulps and rushes back to the others)

Jane: something’s wrong with chad!

Lonnie and Dizzy: what’s right with him?

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): none of you belong here. Not at court. Not as nobility. Not as anything else but housewives. And you “cousin” shouldn’t have left the poverty line. And I’m gonna make sure you bitches pay with your second class lives.

Lonnie: on with the misogyny full force then eh?

Dizzy and Jane: apparently.

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): it’s your bday isn’t it?

Jane (hesitantly): yes?

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): has mom sent you something?

Jane: a handmade dress.

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): I have something better

(He pulls out the wand. Everyone else takes a step back in shock)

Jane: it was you

Chadeficent (Maleficent’s voice): not just him

(They split apart and Maleficent stands before Jane. She’s grinning like the madwoman she is)

Maleficent: did you really think he had the brains to pull it off

Dizzy: where are my parents

Chad: who gives a flying fuck? Ones a whore and ones a half formed freak. They deserve what they’re gonna get.

Jane: run. EVERYBODY RUN. GET AWAY WHILE YOU CAN

Maleficent: thought you’d say that. Oh. Someone gave you a compact mirror. Lovely.

(She points at the present table and glass shards start shooting out sending everyone into a panic. Lonnie hoists dizzy up and the three girls run to the shore of the lake)

Dizzy: no wait stop. I can’t swim.

Lonnie: you’ve been. Here for a year!

Dizzy: they asked if I wanted lessons I said no.

Jane: that worked out well.

(Lonnie puts Dizzy down and turns to face her)

Lonnie: Dizzy I promise. I won’t let go. But you have got to trust. Do you?

Dizzy: yes

Jane: jump!

(They all dive into the lake, Dizzy clinging on to Lonnie for dear life. Jane’s eyes glow periwinkle blue and suddenly their standing on the lakes floor)

Dizzy: what happened?

Jane: magic. It’s a wonderful thing. In the right hand.

Lonnie: and right now one of the most powerful magical relics is in the hands of chad and Maleficent. We have to warn them. Ben at the very least needs to know.

(Back on the embankment chad hasn’t been paying attention to a single thing the girls have been doing. Instead he’s been scratching his skull with the wand)

Chad: ooh. I know what to do. Happy birthday Janey

(This is when “happy birthday happens. After the song he just stands there dumbly)

Chad: where’d everybody go?

Maleficent: never mind that. We must make haste to the palace. We must find the king if you ever want the throne

Chad: yay! (Maleficent’s takes control of his body) oof must ya do that every goddamn time? (Maleficent’s voice) it’s amusing to me.

(They disappear in a swirl of black smoke. Under the lake Jane’s been listening in on the conversation)

Jane: Ok they’ve gone. Dizzy. Lonnie. Be careful. When we break the surface you might get a head rush. It’ll pass. Fight it.

Lonnie: ok. Sure. Makes sense

Dizzy: can’t you just teleport us to land?

Jane: oh yeah. Didn’t think about it

(With a flash of periwinkle blue smoke the three are back on land. Dizzy immediately runs up to the food table and starts kissing it)

Dizzy: oh land I’ve missed you so

Lonnie: it was barely ten minutes

Dizzy: it was 10 minutes too long! Jane what are you doing

Jane: calling the king. Ben? Hi yes. Chad has the wand. He’s possessed-you know? Does anyone else know? Mal and the others. Ok. We’re in safe hands. Just stay in your office. No. No ones dead. Well. No one else. Well. Not yet. Rendezvous at your office? Perfect. Bye.

(She ends the call and starts going through the present table)

Dizzy: what are you doing?

Jane: looking for something (to herself) come on Abigail. You were my favourite babysitter. Come through for me. Do not leave me high and dry. AHA YES!

Lonnie and Dizzy: what?

Jane (turning around to show them): water bazooka

Dizzy: and what’s that going to do?

Jane (already wading back into the lake): help us. This lake is magic. You come into contact with it and any spell you were put under is removed.

Dizzy: so what? We’re gonna beat chad via a water gun fight?

Jane: bazooka. And sort of. If the others are put under, we shoot em with this and they’ll wake up. In theory.

Lonnie: ok that’s all well and good but it’s your mothers wand. The magic will only last until midnight.

Jane: my mother’s wand is being influenced by the mistress of all evil. Aka the first one to be revived from death 23 years ago

Lonnie (realising): oh crap. So our friends are our best shot basically.

Dizzy: as always.

(In Ben’s office, he’s enacting the protocols when Audrey skips in)

Audrey: it took forever but I finally found something for Jane. Carlos let me use the 3D printer and I made her a wand of her very own. It’s not magic but I think she might like it.

Ben: you need to get back to your room

Audrey: what? No

Ben: the party’s cancelled, go back to your room. I don’t want to use magic on you but I will if I have to. So please go back to your room!

Audrey: Florian you’re not making any sense

Ben (taken aback): you’ve never called me Florian before

Audrey: you’ve never not made any sense before. So what’s. Happening?

Ben: chad has the wand. And he’s possessed by Maleficent. We don’t know what he wants so the entire kingdom is going on lockdown until he’s stopped.

Audrey: oh no. Oh nononononononono. Oh it’s all my fault. I did this. I drove him to it

(She keeps rambling. Ben tries to get through to her but to no avail. Until he slaps her around the face)

Audrey: OW! That really hurt

Ben: I’m sorry you weren’t making any sense and I didn’t know best else to do and Carlos once did that to me and it worked and I’m so sorry

Audrey: s’ok. I probably would’ve done the same thing.

Ben: what do you mean it was your fault

Audrey: I dumped chad last night.

Ben: what?

Audrey: he was being a dick. Said I couldn’t hang out with Mal anymore. He tried to stop me from leaving. So I dumped him. And your eyes are glowing again.

(Ben blinks hard three times and the glowing stops)

Ben: sorry about that. And it’s not your fault. It’s his. Never apologise for knowing your own worth

Audrey: which is what you did when you broke up with

Ben: ah. Did I ever apologise for that?

Audrey: no. And you were right not to. I was a bitch. I still see murder in Evie’s eyes sometimes. And I deserve it. I sicced chad on Carlos. I’m surprised you didn’t have me executed

Ben: well Evie did suggest (laughing) ow

(Audrey just playfully slapped him on the arm)

Audrey: now we’re even

Ben: not yet. Ici tu vas madame

(He hands her a shot glass of wine)

Audrey: Pourquoi merci, gentil monsieur

(They down each glass in one. And promptly cough it back up)

Audrey: aw that’s. That’s bad.

Ben: haha yeah.

Audrey: why do we drink this again?

Ben: cause we’re french?

Audrey: possibly. (She looks at the bottle) and it’s out of date. Where’d you get it.

Ben: mom gave it to me. Said she was keeping it for her fiftieth wedding anniversary. That statement aged well.

Audrey: bin?

Ben: bin.

(He throws the bottle away

Ben: now you should really get back to your room. Activate the protocols Mal made. You should be safe

Audrey: ok.

(She leaves)

Ben: oh and hey. Don’t blame yourself for what Chad’s doung. He’s always been a dick. No one changes anyone. We change ourselves. He’s just done it wrong.

Audrey: sure. (To herself) then why do I feel like I’m still to blame?

(This is when “what if” happens)

(Elsewhere the six vks have just gone through the barrier into the island. And Mal is young again)

Mal: well that was surprisingly easy

Celia: it always is. Then the bullshittery happens.

Evie: explain.

Celia: your majesty. Chancellor. Follow me to your fathers lair.

Evie: this is gonna suck for me personally isn’t it?

Mal and Celia: probably

Carlos: hey mom. What do we do when you’re off on you feel good movie of the year thing?

Celia: my fathers arcade. I thought it’d be obvious

Carlos: yeah. You’d think.

Jay: there is a photobooth there you know?

Carlos: at your lead then

Gil: what about our bikes?

Celia: again. My fathers arcade. Oh so simple Legume

Gil: well not to me! I’m not Cj.

Evie: don’t mention that bitch Gil. Please. It’s like candy man. Say it enough it’ll show up.

Gil: I used to think that too. But brother said it’s an old legend and therefore not true

Mal: let him live, sis.

(Evie snarls)

Celia: c’mon end ladies we are burning daylight

(The wiz split up. The girls going to the lair. The boys going to the arcade. None of them see Harriet in the shadows drinking watching them and knocking back a hip flask. Back in Auradon a black cloud of smoke is descending across the land. And Doug is trying to comfort the twins)

Doug: it’s ok. Just stay here. I’ll get the blanket.

Squeaky: whas happening?

Doug: someone that doesn’t like us is trying to hurt us. But don’t worry. I won’t let them get to you.

The twins: ok.

(Around the the house is covered in blackness. The curse has reached them. The front door is blasted off its hinges)

Doug: I’ll protect you. I swear it. (To himself) ohh this is so “Harry Potterish” it’s disturbing

(He grabs a steak knife from the kitchen, deadbolts the door to the workshop, not noticing the smoke has already made contact with the twins, and runs to the front door. Chadeficent is standing there. He charges at them but they use magic to slam him into a wall and keep him there suspended two feet above the floor)

Doug: I always knew you were a dick! I just didn’t think you were this much of a dick

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): that’s pretty big talk coming from a dude with a ponytail. What should I do with him? Sleep is too good for a half breed (Maleficent’s voice) it is your choice my child. He is your enemy after (Chad’s voice, happy) ooh. You’re right ARGH

(Doug has just kicked them in the crotch. This makes them lose concentration and Doug drops to the ground)

Doug: yeah, not only are you a dick. But you have a dick. So. Byee

(He runs to the kitchen deadbolting the door as he goes. He turns around )

Chadeficent (both voices): boo

(They grab him by the neck and throw him through the wall. He lands on Evie’s worktop, smashing it in two)

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): I think I know what to do now

Doug (chuckling through bloodied teeth): what? What could you possibly do that you haven’t already done to me?

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): I was ya roommate. I’ve read ya journal

Doug (terrified): no. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The smoke knocks him out. And he wakes up in a bathroom at the shool. Chadeficent is staring at him through the full length bathroom mirror. Behind them is Doug’s unconscious body laid out almost peacefully on the floor)

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): see now this what you deserve.

Doug: HELP. HELP. HELP ME. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): oh c’mon dwarf you know that won’t work. They can’t hear you. You’re mute. Like you should be. Just like your idiot father.

(Doug looks like he’s going to throw up)

Doug: why. Why are you doing this

Chadeficent (Chad’s voice): because Ben is wrong. Women and half breeds and and fairies and djins have no place at court. Not in this world. Not in my world. Ooh. Someone’s coming. Best hide. You know what we’re like. How we don’t take well to the different.

(The mirror clouds up and they vanish leaving Doug alone. Chad almost smashes the mirror but he stops)

Chadeficent (Maleficent’s voice): that’s not how we do things. We gloat. And let them suffer. (Chad’s whiny voice) oh but whyuh? (Maleficent’s voice) because. Sooner or later they’ll come back. And he can see her heart break. (Chad’s voice) oooh. I like that. (Maleficent’s voice) come on now dear. Let’s face the king

(Back on the island the girls have just arrived at the lair. And Hadie is making his way to the door)

Hadie (opening the door to the lair): hello boys. Uh ha ha. You’re not Anthony and Grayson.

Mal (smugly): 🎶told ya🎶

Evie (slowly getting more high pitched): I was fourteen I was an idiot and no straight person has a gaydar!

Mal: then why did you say you did?

Evie: BECAUSE I WAS FOURTEEN AND AS I SAID I WAS AN IDIOT

Celia: now we’ve gotten that out of the way. Hadie. Meet your kid sisters. They’re here to see the big man

Hadie: Iris? Hestia?

Mal: I dunno who those people are but I’m Mal. She’s Evie. Where’s our father?

Hadie: dea uh dealing with, stuff. What did Maleficent do this time. I swear if she touched either of you

Mal: vous êtes donc au courant, bien, nous évite d'avoir à expliquer. maintenant, prendre est à notre père afin que nous puissions sauver notre royaume des griffes d'un garçon de salope de base hormonal qui est possédé par la maîtresse de tout mal.

Hadie: je suis à tes ordres, petite soeur

(He lets through the door)

Mal: ooh I like you

Hadie: right back atcha kid

Mal (chuckling sarcastically): ohhhh. I’m eighteen.

Hadie: so you can’t drink

Mal: ah I never said that

Hadie: beer or wine?

Mal: yes please

(They don’t notice that Evie’s sunk down behind a pillar)

Hadie: alrighty then. Dads asleep. Hangover

Mal: of course

Hadie: if you want my help just ask. Loving the highlights by the way.

Mal: I like having a big brother

(Mal goes to the couch where Hades is supposedly sleeping. She almost gets the ember from the coffee table. But hades grabs her hand)

Mal (chuckling nervously): aha. Hey dad?

Hades: Iris? IRIS!!!!

(He pulls her into a crushing bear hug)

Hades (maniacally): HAHAHAHAHAHA

Mal: AHAHAHAHAHAH

Hades: oh I’m so glad to see you. Oh my me I thought I’d killed all four of you. Tell me. Your sister. The boys. Are they ok?

Mal (strained because she’s being crushed by the hug): stop. Hugging me. (He lets her go). Evie’s fine. She’s got soot streaks, she’s hiding behind the pillar at the entrance, don’t think I didn’t see you chicken out E, and she’s insisting I’m wrong. Excuse me. Ahem. HA! I WAS RIGHT. YOU WERE WRONG. HAHA! Where was I? Oh yeah. Ben’s hair is fully purple and he’s growing wings. And jay’s ass, though apparently a tiny bit bruised, or so he says, I don’t really wanna know, is fine. Doug is also fine. We’re good. We’re all good.

Hades: and your brother?

Mal: right behind me. Daydrunk in the satin robe that doesn’t reach his knees

Hadie: I made it when I was 16. Growth spurts.

Mal: ahhh

Hades: your other brother. Probably know him. That doug boy stabbed him last year. Somewhere very tender and bruisable

(His voice drowns out as Mal realises in horror what he means)

Hades: ...I was gonna call him Icarus but his sister on his fathers side, paychotically vile little thing, named him after herself. Harry. I think. Harry Hook. Yeah?

Hadie: yeah. Yah. Yes. Harriet is such a bitch. First child born here. Thinks it gives her a tight to act like a Hera disciple. Oh dear

(Mal’s fainted. Her father and brother put her on the couch and Evie gets over herself and emerges from behind the pillar)

Evie: tell me she’s wrong. Tell me your lying. Tell me that thing, isn’t my brother.

Hades: I don’t lie Hest

Evie: MY NAME IS NOT HESTIA. MY NAME IS EVIE GRIMHILDE. MY MOTHER IS THE EVIL QUEEN. SHE PAID A MALE PROSTITUTE TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH HER EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO And KILLED HIM WHEN SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH ME. THAT IS IT. THAT IS MU HISTORY. I AM NOT THE BASTARD DAUGHTER OF A MORTALISED GOD.

Hades: your mother is a cheapskate (he changes from Sebastian Stan to John Barrowman) and as you can see my dear, I’m very much alive.

Hadie: she’s waking up. You ok kid?

Mal: what happened

Hades: you fainted when I told you Harry hook is your brother.

Mal: oh. Well. I would’ve guessed it eventually. Gods are whores. He’s a whore. It balances out

Hades: thank you for summarising our history so succinctly.

Mal: well it’s true. And why don’t you look like me

Hades: oh. Right. Um. (he changes from John Barrowman to Jesse L Martin) hello heh heh

(He smiles nervously)

Mal: Ahhh. Now that makes sense. And I didn’t faint because of the revelation. Though that is a nauseating concept. My fiancé’s in trouble. I have to get back home.

Hades: of course. Take the ember. It can help. Gods are a step above genie. So if you two Ben and Jay use it together you can burn him from the inside. Uh be careful though. You’re only half god. The boys aren’t even a millionth. It could backfire. Conflagrantly.

Mal: eh. That’s par the course for our plans. C’mon sis

(She start to leave with the other two in tow. But Evie throws out her arm to stop her)

Evie: nuh uh. We’re not going anywhere until we get answers. He owes us that much

(At the docks Facillier is taking a lunch break stroll. A huge plume of water shoots upwards and back down onto the pier drenching him. When the water dissipates Uma’s kneeling in front of him craddiling the barnacle covered Harry in a Pieta pose)

Uma: help me. Please dad. Help me

(In the forest back in Auradon the girls are slowly making progress)

Dizzy: I’m bored

Jane: well I’m sorry Dizz but he’s probably exkecting magic or a vehicle. So you’ll just have to be patient.

Dizzy: There’s not even any food.

Lonnie: time sensitive mission kiddo

Dizzy: I’m nearly fourteen.

Lonnie: meaning.

Dizzy: I want you to teach me how to fight.

Lonnie: really? Well. First things first. Movies. Books. Tv. Forget it. Improper practice. Not conducive to what we need to do. You gotta be gentle. But at the same time. You gotta be tough.

Dizzy: well that’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one

(This is when “lesson number one” happens. Back in Auradon Ben is practicing the violin. This is when “human” happens)

#disney descendants #zendaya!mal

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