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mvssmallow · 6 years

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Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 25: …of marshmallows.

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November isn’t really what he expected. He had hoped for the best and expected the worst. November was a good song that ended too soon. Or a car ride that was too fast. He was a knife and November was a damm gun fight.

One minute he’s on their roof, eating take-away, a little bit sore but feeling content just sitting there and eating in silence.

The next thing he knows, Jiwon is pulling up in front of the Daily Grind offices to pick him up after work. He’s in that white shirt again, this time with fitted black jeans, black boots and the smell of that Jo Malone perfume that only gets used on special occasions.

That hair was still a mess though. Some things never change.

“Hey.” Jiwon greets him with a wide smile as always.

But he stops in his tracks to take everything in. He has a sixth sense about Jiwon and it’s almost never wrong. “Oh my god.”

Jiwon must have expected it because he laughs and shakes his head. “Oh my god, what?”

“Something happened. What happened?” He demands with a pointed accusatory finger.

Jiwon rolls his eyes and sighs. “Just get in the car, Hanbin. Your paranoia is showing.”

He stays frozen in his spot on the pavement and he knows it must look weird but he doesn’t care, the passersby can walk around him. “No. Something happened to you. Tell me.”

“I’ll tell you in the car.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No! I want to know now-”

“Hanbin? Please just get in the car.” Jiwon pleads in a tired voice.

A few curious heads turn in their direction and he feels a small prick of worry creeping up his neck but it’s nothing compared to the anxiety in his chest. They just stare at each other for a moment and he expects Jiwon to back down but he doesn’t.

When did that even happen? Since when did Jiwon even learn how to do that? Since when did he let Jiwon defeat him?

“Okay, fine. Drama queen.” He mutters before walking to the passengers side that Jiwon holds open for him.

“Oh my god…” Jiwon says under his breath as he climbs into the other seat and reverses out of the parking spot and down a quieter side road. They don’t get very far before he’s reach the end of his patience.

“JIWON.” He whines.

“Wait….let me find a park….”

There really isn’t one on the street so they drive down a dark and partially deserted underground carpark. It’s as ominous as the cloud hovering over his head.

“Okay.” Jiwon starts, cutting the engine and pulling his seatbelt off. “Don’t freak out but-”

“Well, that’s a dumb thing to say-”

A hand clamps down on his thigh in warming. “Hanbin…”

He sits back in his seat with what he knows is a childish huff. “Okay, sorry. Go on…”

“Okay. So ummm, I had a meeting with BeatBox today. You probably figured that out by now. They said they liked the mixtape and wanted to talk about signing me up for a 3 year deal. I was going to just sign right there and then but I remembered what you said about reading all the fine print so I said I wanted to take it home and think about it and……Hanbin? Are you even listening?”

No he wasn’t. He stopped listening after “signing me up for a 3 year deal”.

The hand on his thigh squeezes it lightly and Jiwon peers into his face with worry. “Are you okay?”

He shakes head. “No. I’m …..just give me a second.”

He climbs out the car to take a few deep breaths and stare into the darkness. Now he understands why Jiwon wanted to drive him somewhere more secluded, to a place where he can freak out properly without embarrassing himself in public.

When he gets back in the car, Jiwon is looking at him with a big toothy grin. “Feel better? Thought I told you not to freak out?”

“And I thought I told you that I hate surprises. Looks like nobody is getting what they want.”

Jiwon’s hand finds it way up his neck and across his cheek. “Yeah, this is such bad news.”

“Where’s the contract? I want to read it.” He asks, eyes searching around the car.

Jiwon sighs a second time and ruffles his hair until it’s a matching shaggy mess. “Why did I even think this would be some memorable romantic moment…..”

A heavy white envelope is dropped into his lap. “There. Go nuts. I’ll just be over here, waiting for my boyfriend to congratulate me like a normal person would. No big deal.”

He pulls the contract out of the envelope and the sheer weight and number of pages is terrifying. So this is how Jiwon’s new life begins. He can hardly believe that any of it even came true. It wasn’t so long ago that they were still dreaming of this together.

There’s a whiny noise of irritation next to him. “Biggest day of my life and I’m upstaged by a word document. Great.”

He smiles to himself before sliding the contract back in its envelope and throwing it into the backseat. He thinks about waiting until they drive home but the parking lot is still empty so he climbs into Jiwon’s lap and hovers inches over his face. “Is this romantic enough for you?”

Jiwon is staring at his lips. He’s so obvious that it’s adorable.

He doesn’t know how long they just kiss for but by the time he comes up for air, he forgets where they are.

“You just like me for my contract don’t you?” Jiwon murmurs, hands roaming under his shirt and scratching down his back.

He licks into Jiwon’s mouth again and bites at his pouty lower lip. “Mmm, yeah. I love your big thick contract. I’m going to read it all night long. My eyes are going to be so sore when I’m done.”

Fingers dig painfully into his back and Jiwon groans. “Don’t say stuff like that unless you want me to do something about it.”

He pulls at Jiwon’s hair to get better access to his lips. “Why do you think I said it….”

There’s a laugh that he can hear in his ears and feel in his mouth. When they pull apart a second time, he’s breathless and getting lightheaded.

“So,” Jiwon says quietly, reaching up brush some warm fingers across his cheek. “You proud of me yet?”

He sits back and studies Jiwon’s face for a moment. There’s a smile, there’s always a smile, but there’s also the slightest tinge of insecurity. He’d never pick up on it if not for the fact that he sees it almost every day in the mirror.

He’s caught between feeling offended and guilty. Offended that Jiwon would even doubt him but guilty because he knows he never tells Jiwon how he really feels about him.

“Of course I am. I was proud of you even before you got this deal. You know that right?”

“Oh….Okay.” Jiwon replies with a smaller lopsided smile. “You’re kind of taking this better than I thought you would.”

He shrugs. “I always knew this was going to happen for you eventually. I was just waiting for the rest of the world to catch up.”

Jiwon sighs again and frowns. “Can I tell you something else?”

“Yeah.”

“Once I sign the contract, it’s going to be crazy busy.”

He leans forward and wraps his arms around Jiwon’s body again. “I know. It’s going to be a wild ride.”

“You’ll be there for it, right?”

His heart fractures just a little bit at the way Jiwon is so unsure of himself now, despite the amount of times he’s won and keeps on winning. Part of him understands it, the way insecurities creep into everything no matter how hard you push them away, but the other part can’t understand it at all. Jiwon has everything going for him. A whole new life to begin. What was there to even be scared about?

“I’ll be wherever you want me to be.”

*****

June invites them out to dinner to celebrate. He doesn’t really want to go. He doesn’t know how long he can keep this version of Jiwon all to himself for. It’s selfish but love is selfish sometimes and there’s nothing he can do to get rid of it’s greed.

But it’s nice. And he’s just happy to watch Jiwon laugh and bicker with June over things that weren’t even worth bickering over: like if he’s going to dedicate a song to each of them or if he’s going to make embarrassing hip-hop videos or when he’s going to buy June a Porsche.

There’s a nudge at his elbow as Yoyo leans across the table and asks him how he took the good news today.

“Did he text you? Because that’s about as romantic as I expect him to be.” Yoyo says, nibbling on a breadstick. “He told us he moved in with you via a post-it. It literally said; at hbin’s house now.”

“Because you guys aren’t worth a 10 cent text.” Jiwon interjects snidely.

June looks at him with a shake of his head. “See how he disrespects us? This is what I’ve been trying to warn you about for 6 months. It’s not too late to leave. If you’re into tattooed music guys, I can set you up with this guy that’s been coming to the shop lately. Kinda looks like a bunny too.”

Jiwon makes a disgusting noise. “Are you talking about that Jungkook kid? No way. He goes to my gym, he’s a little punk.”

“At least he can perform on stage without his pants falling down.” Yoyo says quietly into his glass of wine.

“I told you, that was deliberate. All the guys were doing it!”

June leans towards him again. “Seriously though Hanbin, if you ever want out, just let me know. I think you’ve suffered for 5 months longer than any human man should have to.”

He laughs at Jiwon’s indignant face as there’s another burst of argument.

Yoyo sighs, leaning back in his chair. “They’re like this every single time they’re within a 5 mile radius of each other. If anyone has suffered, it’s me. Please don’t leave okay? I need you as a buffer.”

“I won’t.” He says with a chuckle.

They end up talking about award shows over the entrees, music videos over the main course and how rich Jiwon will be over dessert. He loves thinking about Jiwon’s future and all the things he will get to do but there’s still that selfish part of him that resurfaces again, the part that doesn’t really want to share Jiwon with anyone. The more people that Jiwon meets, the more likely he’ll eventually find the guy who he is probably meant to end up with.

He can feel a frown forming so he occupies his mouth with cake instead. There’s a hand that sneaks behind his back to draw him slightly closer and for the billionth time in 25 years, he just wishes he was a regular person who knew how to act normally and didn’t have a brain that tries to ruin every single situation with pessimism.

By the time a second round of dessert is ordered Jiwon’s hand leaves his back to rest on his upper thigh. He likes it. Not because it’s possessive, and it was a little bit, but because he likes the feeling that they’re always connected, even when they’re not talking to each other. The conversation goes on without him so he reaches under the table and traces over all the prominent veins on the surface of Jiwon’s hand.

He really should’ve stopped drinking 3 glasses ago but someone keeps setting down something new in front of him. Either he drank too fast or Jiwon was drinking too slow because when he looks over with glazed eyes, all he can focus on is how Jiwon’s bottom lip always sticks out so much.

There’s a burst of laughter and suddenly his eyes are caught in Jiwon’s too-sober gaze. “What?”

“Nothing.” He shakes his head but even as he does it, he can’t even tear his eyes away from that face. Jiwon smiles at him before turning away. The hand under the table squeezes tighter around his thigh.

They share a rowdy and chaotic taxi home and and he doesn’t remember what was said in the backseat, just snippets of laughter, an old song on the radio, the cool air from an opened window, the way the night sky and sparkling lights whiz by and Jiwon’s hand still on his leg.

He wants to remember everything.

****

November felt so different. It wasn’t really a month. It was more like a circus with something happening at every turn. It was like someone just hit the fast-forward button on their life and now all they could do was try to keep up.

In the week after his BeatBox meeting, he felt something change in himself. Hanbin was right, he had never been expected to do anything or have any real responsibility for anyone but himself. Maybe there had been some kind of parental pressure to find a wife and settled down but after awhile even his parents must have come to terms with his need for independence and freedom.

But now he wasn’t just a single entity anymore. He wasn’t just Jiwon. Not really. He belonged to someone and to something. It went against all 26 years of living freely and doing what he wanted, whenever he wanted. He will never tell Hanbin about all those nights where he freaked out about falling in love because….well, he isn’t someone who falls in love, he barely even knew what that was like. Maybe he thought he knew but when Hanbin came along, it just proved beyond a shadow of doubt that he didn’t know anything.

He wasn’t just Jiwon. He was Jiwon-And-Hanbin, said in the same breath as June-And-Yunheong. Donghyuk-And-Coffee. Chicken-And-Beer. Music-And-Lyrics.

He was in a unit and he had actual responsibilities now: to himself, to Hanbin, to their life and their future. He wasn’t just living for himself anymore. The choices he makes affects someone else, just like the mistakes he makes will.

It was…..terrifying and claustrophobic and he doesn’t really know how to deal with it when it all finally hits him at 2 in the morning.

His first instinct is to just run away.

But there’s a hand that rubs his back when he tosses and turns a few too many times. “You okay?” Hanbin asks in a sleepy voice.

He doesn’t know. Is he okay?

“I’m fine. Go back to sleep.” He replies, probably not convincing anybody, least of all Hanbin.

“What is it? You want to tell me?”

The back rub is soothing and he wishes it wasn’t because it makes it harder for him to leave their bed and this conversation. “I’m just……I don’t know. Maybe this isn’t meant to happen like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like if I fuck it up, it’s not just me who has to deal with it. It’s you and the record label and the producer who went out of his way to get me the contract. I just wanted to make music and perform but this is turning out to be a whole big deal and I’m just…..I don’t want a whole big deal….and I don’t want you to expect anything from me because I might just disappoint you.”

He doesn’t really hear it until he gets to the end. He’s freaking out. He hasn’t had one in a long time.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Hanbins says gently in his ear and turns him around so he can bury his head into the smaller, but somehow more softer, chest. “I don’t really care if you fuck things up. I told you. I don’t care if things never get any better than this. You can fuck things up as many times as you want but I know you, I know you’re going to be great at this. You’re already great and you haven’t even started.”

He shakes his head.

“You are. You know you are. You always have been. You went out and got everything you said you wanted to get. It’s more than I’ve ever done Jiwon. You’re the opposite of a disappointment.”

“I don’t want things to change.” He says into Hanbin’s chest, wondering where the hell all his confidence and optimism went. Maybe he had been living in some bubble for too long. Maybe this is what it’s like living a normal adult life, complete with all it’s complications. “I don’t want to sign a contract that locks me in for three years. What if they make me tour for like 12 months straight? What if you can’t come with me?”

There’s a chuckle underneath him. “Did you even read anything besides the first page of that contract?”

“It’s too long.” He grumbles.

“Well, I read the whole thing and it doesn’t even say anything about a tour until year 2. You write and record for the sixth months, then they’ll try you out in clubs and events. If people like you, they’ll put you on the promo rounds. If that goes well, they’ll push for either a mini-album or a full album, depending on how popular you get. You won’t be going on any crazy 12 month tour for years.”

He knows it’s meant to make him feel better but it doesn’t really. “What if no-one likes me?”

“You must be kidding right?” Hanbin asks in an amused tone. “You know you have fangirls and guys already don’t you?”

“I don’t know.” He’s getting pathetic and whiny but he can’t help it.

There’s a hand carding softly through his hair. “Think of it this way, BeatBox could’ve picked anyone but they picked you. They’ve been to so many mic nights and they still picked you. It wasn’t an accident. They planned it. And they have plans for you. All you need to do is show up. It’s in their interest not to let you fail. And besides, you’ll always have me. If it helps.” Hanbin concludes with a laugh.

He’s known for a while now that there are days where Hanbin needs him in some way, whether it’s just a little physical contact or a lot of emotional support but the more time that passes and the more he grows up, the more he realises he needs Hanbin just as much.

“Can you read all my contracts?”

“Even if you don’t ask.”

“And come to all my shows?”

“Even if I’m not invited.”

“And maybe not date any other rappers?”

“Now you’re just being unrealistic, Jiwon.”

He shoves at Hanbin’s chest and gets that adorable high pitched giggle in return.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” Hanbin laughs. “I already got the most ridiculous one, everyone else would be a total downgrade now.”

He settles back into Hanbin’s chest. “Why does everything have to be so complicated when you grow up?”

“Because adults like complicating things and business ruins art. But that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.”

He hmms in response and just enjoys the warm comfortable silence of their bed.

There’s a long sigh underneath him. “I can’t sleep now.”

“Me either. Sorry, I woke you.”

“It’s okay.” Hanbin yawns and stretches out. “I’m kinda thirsty. Do you want anything?”

“I really feel like a hot chocolate. With those marshmallows.”

“Are you also five years old?”

“Yes.”

****

November is throwing everything at him.

One minute he’s in their bed, having a dream about pudgy cheeks and bunny smiles and the next thing he knows, Jiwon is having a mid-adult-crisis and he’s now standing in their kitchen trying to find the mini-marshmallows for the hot chocolate.

Jiwon shuffles in eventually, looking like a crumpled mess as always. He hopes that never changes.

“Why did you get up? I was going to bring it to you.”

“Got lonely waiting.” Jiwon shrugs.

“It’s been like seven minutes.”

Jiwon takes the packet of marshmallows from his hands, throws it on the kitchen counter and just pulls him into a tight hug. He doesn’t really say anything or explain. Just holds on tight and whispers the same thing over and over again.

He gets the bittersweet feeling that one day, in the not-too-distant-future when they’re both too busy, he will miss this moment. He misses it even though he’s still right in the middle of it and can feel the way the seconds tick closer and closer towards the end.

Because every beginning must have an end right?

He grabs the back of Jiwon’s shirt and holds on just as tight. Maybe he can make this last longer. Maybe some beginnings don’t have to end.

****

Soundtrack: Spring Day (piano cover) | Airplane (piano cover)

#jiwon is five years old #Cloudy With A Chance #CWAC #double b #ikon #hanbin #bobby #sorry for the gifs-i just can't find my ikon harddrive anywhere!

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