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inaris-mage-of-storms · 7 months

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(A little continuation of Muscle Memory, anyone?)

The day went well, more or less - only one little ol' fire, and it was put out practically right away! Honestly, Tango probably wouldn't even have remembered it happened if not for the way Jimmy's brow furrowed and the corners of his mouth turned down as he frowned at the scorch marks inside the microwave.

"I don't know what happened! I could have sworn I - " Jimmy turned his head and coughed into his elbow. "I really thought the pizza was already in there. Sorry."

"Hey, it's okay!" Tango nudged Jimmy's shoulder with his own. Skizz glanced over from where he was locking the door and flipping the sign to 'closed' before grabbing the mop. "You did amazing. We would have been in so much trouble without you."

He expected Jimmy to smile. He didn't expect the smile to feel so weak, to fail to reach those bright hazel eyes that were usually so determined.

"I could have been a lot faster," said Jimmy. "Forgot what I was doing a couple of times, and that definitely slowed you down. You and Skizz work so hard, and I just - "

Skizz leaned the mop against the wall and took Jimmy's face in both his hands, squishing his cheeks. "You stop that right now! You are an integral part of this kitchen, an excellent chef, and - woah, you're kind of hot, dude, are you okay?"

"Heh." Jimmy's smile was a little more genuine now, but the flush on his face wasn't from Skizz's words. "Bro, right in front of my rancher?"

It was Tango's turn to frown, mentally kicking himself for not realizing sooner that something was up. When Skizz let go, Tango put a hand on Jimmy's forehead, confirming for himself what was wrong. "You should have said something if you weren't feeling well. We could have done without you for a little bit. I mean, not well, because you're a superstar, but we could have managed."

"I'm fine, really," Jimmy insisted. "I'm just a little, tiny bit - um. Maybe a lot bit dizzy." He let his head fall forward onto Tango's shoulder. "Didn't want to be a bother," he mumbled.

"Hoh boy. You wanna get him home while I finish up here, Top?" Skizz looked as worried as Tango felt.

"I can still help clean up!" Jimmy straightened back up, trying to look as alert as possible, but whatever illness was about to hit him was catching up fast now that he didn't have the urgency of a busy restaurant to keep him moving. "I can't leave you to do all the work when you two already do so much more than - "

"Jimmy. You work just as hard as we do, maybe harder," said Tango firmly. "You are not a bother. There isn't much left to do, and Skizz can handle the rest of it just fine, okay? Let us take care of you."

Tango knew from his own experience that telling Jimmy to stop thinking like that would be ineffective. He knew from his own experience that it might take him a while to truly believe the compliments, if he ever did at all - but it didn't matter. Tango would remind Jimmy of his worth a hundred times a day for a hundred years if he had to.

"Okay," said Jimmy in a small voice. "Can - can we get some ginger ale on the way?"

Tango smiled. "Yeah, we can do that. Wanna veg on the couch and watch some bad movies?"

Jimmy nodded, looking absolutely miserable now that he wasn't trying to hide it, and Tango wanted to have him bundled in a blanket ten minutes ago. Skizz shooed them out, assuring Jimmy that he would be fine, honest, he just had to finish the mopping and a couple of dishes and he would be right behind them, and if Jimmy didn't stop fretting and leave right now then he was going to be carried home.

"Gosh, I think he means it," grinned Jimmy, letting Tango take his hand and pull him out of the restaurant.

"Oh, he does," said Tango with his own grin. "Impulse tried the same thing as you, once. And I do mean once. Skizz scooped him up like a sack of potatoes and dumped him in bed. The look on his face was priceless."

His grin faded a little when Jimmy's laugh turned into a cough, and it wasn't long before he had him safely home and tucked against his side while they flipped through TV channels. The restaurant would have to be closed for a few days - Skizz could handle closing up on his own, but running the entire place by himself was too much to ask. Tango was sure Jimmy would insist he was fine on his own, but he wasn't going to hear of it, and he knew Skizz would agree.

"You're not a bother," he whispered against Jimmy's forehead, even though Jimmy had dozed off at least three cheesy plot developments ago. A hundred times a day, if he had to; whatever it took to re-train the muscle memory of Jimmy's self-depreciation into self-worth instead.

}{ Part Three }{

#file: storm writes things #team rancher #jimmy kept coughing on stream since he's still recovering from being sick and i am always a sucker for being comforted while ill in fics #so this is what y'all get today #a little something to tide you over until the next chapter of the canary au comes out tomorrow

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oldguardleatherdog · 8 months

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let me start by saying, I'm okay to agree to disagree on this, and I respect you greatly as my queer elder. I hesitate to even send this because I don't think this cause is worth dogpiling (and not even the fun way) on anyone against and , like , I will continue to follow and admire you as a mutual who has been through a lot of the hell that I'm going through right now and got to a place I want to someday be. (for context, I am currently housing & food insecure and am trying to live in a queer-accepting city)

Posting will never be praxis, you are my brother in arms no matter what you call trump or cops or whatever. There are some fat liberation blogs that take issue with calling cops "pigs" for a lot of the reasons I bristle at calling Trump a fatass, and like, if someone is actively fighting cops who can and will actively hurt me and my found family, I don't care what names they shout while doing it. So I see where you are coming from and I'm glad you fight for me. I fight for us too, in what little ways I can while I keep me and my found family afloat. I do better work in the community just by existing around people as a living breathing transgender than I could do in a million posts on this website.

I do think that this is a valuable conversation to have, though, even though you are completely right that this is a trivial thing and not at all the bigger, more real issue at hand. I think it's still important, on online platforms such as this, to talk about how we refer to the other people on this planet.

Think about why you didn't call Trump a "retard". You certainly could have, it doesn't *not* apply to some of his behavior. I know people of our generations once used that word a lot, and we don't anymore. Why and when did we change that? I honestly don't remember. For me, my aunt was medically classified as "retarded" and she was the best person I'd ever met, so I decided that word shouldn't mean bad things. The first time I ever hit someone was over them using that word in a derogative way. it wasn't about "mental illness positivity" it was about humanizing the people that word has been used against - people who have been stigmatized and oppressed with that word.

Right now, hopefully, the same thing is happening to the word "obese". Fat people are less likely to be hired, granted loans or secure housing. they can be kicked out of airplanes and fired from their jobs because of their body size. There have been laws proposed to take fat children away from their parents and "treatments" proposed to wire children's jaws shut and starve them to make them thinner. They are often medically mistreated and misdiagnosed. I once went to a doctor with an ear infection and instead of antibiotics, he prescribed me *bariatric surgery.* I have been refused transgender top-surgery because of my BMI, which keeps me at a passively higher risk for self-injury and worse.

I do not care about body positivity. Honestly, between being fat, trans, and poor, I'm at a point where I've given up on ever feeling good about my body again. All I care about is getting jobs and meds and keeping a roof over my family's head and food on our table. Normalizing the idea that fat is a bad thing that anyone can change continues that stigma. When you use Fat as an insult, you are saying fat=bad. Fat is a neutral thing that some bodies can be, like short or tall or lean. The revolution needs to be intersectional, and body size is another axis of oppression that needs to be acknowledged, just like sexuality, gender, race, class, disability, etc.

If you've gotten this far, thank you for hearing me out. I'm sorry that others are just performatively parroting the same things over and over. Civility is bullshit, and if you still want to use body shaming as one of the ways you fight against bigotry, it doesn't really matter to me. Just as long as you acknowledge anti-fat bias as part of that bigotry too.

Thank you for writing and sharing your life experiences with me, and for your solidarity as well. You're striving to make your way as part of a despised minority in a world that's turned unspeakably harsh toward you in an aggressively mean way seemingly overnight, and I admire you for the life you have lived, for your courage and perseverance during this difficult time where resources are scant and your housing and food security is uncertain at best.

(FWIW, after I was bombed out of my Lower Manhattan home on September 11th, my income went from six figures down to nothing overnight, and I was homeless and destitute for years. Twenty years ago, I was where you are now, and I can tell you that what you're enduring today will not last forever, that there is light and hope and blessing in your future, that you're not as alone as you might think, that you must never give up.)

What more can I do to make the point that "fat" has nothing to do with this? As I've said, I grew up obese, and it wasn't until I enlisted in the Army at age 17 that I was able to free myself from my violent and abusive family and unlock the potential of the body that had been hidden under layers of fat and shame all my life. I know that my path is not for everybody, that many others are not so fortunate, and I ceased long ago to think that fat equals bad or lack of character or any other pejorative attitude that society has attached to it for generations. I hope I've made that clear and that you take my word as truth.

I am not saying "let's fat-shame Donald Trump to make him feel bad." I am saying that I'm deeply troubled by the LGBTQ+ community prioritizing hurt feelings over the very real damage that's being done to us right now all over the country by Trump, his minions, his proxies, and his cult of bloodthirsty followers and worshippers. Trump's accomplices in Congress and state legislatures and Moms For Liberty are taking over school boards all over the country, banning books and emptying library shelves and harassing teachers and librarians to the point where they're being run out of town, where the State of Missouri has defunded its entire public library system rather than follow a court order to restore books banned just for featuring LGBTQ+ characters.

DeSantis and Abbott have put in place policies that are unspeakably brutal, that are forcing trans people in Florida to slowly and brutally revert to their pre-transition state, that have given health care providers in Florida the right to deny treatment to you and me and all LGBTQ+ people because we are gay, lesbian, non-binary, trans... but God forbid we should call Trump mean names!

We've seen what happens when we buy into the "when they go low, we go high" fantasy pipe dream. This is not the way the world works, it has never been, and we need to put this loser idea in the trash bin where it belongs once and for all.

We're being attacked and harmed in unspeakable ways that are happening now. This is not theoretical or hypothetical. It's happening to us, to those we love, this minute and every minute of every day. And worse is in the pipeline - they're writing laws that will place us under virtual house arrest, that will regulate where we're allowed to go in our own cities and towns, when we're allowed to be seen in public, when and where we can shop, how we're allowed to dress, even what we're allowed to say and SING, for Christ's sake!

And I'm supposed to be concerned about some minuscule hypothetical percentage of my own people being OFFENDED because I'm somehow being insensitive and violating some trivial picayune social justice warrior philosophy, because there's a possibility of some fragile flower taking it personally, and that I should shut my mouth and let the MAGA nutjobs run roughshod over us? Oh, come let Daddy kiss it! while our brothers and sisters are suffering in real time. Sickening.

Anyone who has a problem with my stance doesn't have to follow me or emulate my proven effective tactics as an activist with 37 years of successfully defending our rights under my belt if they're so dainty and delicate and easily bruised. Everyone else that sees this for the strawman bullshit it is, get ready to hit the streets with bullhorns and whistles once again. We've got work to do.

Your arguments are strong and well-reasoned, and I accept and acknowledge everything you're saying. We can disagree on this, certainly, and still work together to turn back the progress that the MAGAs are making, restore our rights, and protect ourselves and each other. But that will require the snowflake contingent among us to get their collective head out of their collective ass, stop whining, and get with the damn program. Calling me names and telling me I'm being a bad gay activist is a waste of time and energy that should be spent fighting the fascists and the haters who are out to kill us.

And to you, my friend and fellow traveler with a radiantly beautiful soul and spirit, I urge you to hang in there, to keep the faith, to keep caring about life, to work with me to secure our own future and the future of our kind. I send to you my very best wishes, energy, and prayers that you will find your way to a place of health, security, stability, and love for yourself and for this precious community to whom we've both dedicated our lives, who mean the world to us.

Yours In Service, Animal J. Smith

#what more can i do to protect you all #to get you to realize the mortal danger we're in #to put the suffering of our own people ahead of our feelings #to join me in this fight that's eminently winnable #to get you off your butts and your high horses and get to work #to do something - anything - to help save us and save yourself from what they're planning to do to us and are already doing #to think of anyone but yourself for a damn change #to show me and the world your incredible courage in the face of evil #to restore our rights and roll back this tide of hatred and death that's about to overpower us #to make sure that my life's work these past four decades has not been wasted #to let me at long last step back from the front lines and cherish my time left on earth at 61 with AIDS and love my family #to be the dog and the man they need and deserve and long for #to lay down my sword and shield at last #please please please do this for me - it would be your greatest gift #for god's sake wake up #queer activism #queer is not a slur #it's a fucking battle cry #god i am so scared for us all #information gladly given

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psychoticallytrans · 11 months

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This is gonna be a weird question, and im sorry in advance if i dont word it the best. is it possible to only have temporary psychosis, or, i guess, episodic psychosis? im bipolar (type 2, i *think*, my psychiatrist isnt one for divvying the two up tbqh and im not either) and back when i wasnt medicated, during 2021ish, i had what was most likely a psychotic depression episode (and have probably had more before, but my memory is really bad). i didnt get that diagnosed; i told my school counsellor about how i was feeling and she just kinda went "thats... a little out of my paygrade" sdfghjk. now that im medicated i dont have those kinds of episodes anymore, but, well--my symptoms have gotten worse lately, likely due to stress (i am a trans man, easily clockable as trans, living in florida, plus i've had life stuff going on) and i suppose im just wondering if you have any advice for trying to catch an episode before i'm near the end of it. sorry if this is technically easily-google-able, but i'll be honest, i dont trust random articles more than i trust people with the conditions they're talking about, given how stigmatized a lot of mental illnesses are. thank you for your time !! have a good day !!

No, it's not weird at all! It's certainly not easy to google, if you want accurate information. I'm glad you felt comfortable coming here to ask. Psychosis is a symptom. Specifically, it's a response to stress. Some disorders, like bipolar, make you more prone to it than average, lowering the amount of stress that needs to be applied for you to experience psychosis. For some people, the bar is zero stress applied for them to experience psychosis. For most people, the bar is pretty high, requiring major stress sustained over days for them to experience it- and when the stress is removed, they are no longer psychotic. In other words, the vast majority of people's psychosis is temporary!

It sounds like that for you, the amount of stress required is lower than most, and you're looking out for how to manage an episode. That's a great question to be asking, and I'm glad you're taking care of and looking out for yourself.

The first thing is to think back to your first episode, and think about what symptoms you experienced. Were there hallucinations? Delusions? What were they about, and how did they feel? Identifying what you experienced can help you figure out if you have an episode coming up. For me, the first thing is always hearing things that aren't there, like footsteps. Figuring out what your first thing is can help a lot. Next, think about what might help you figure out what is and isn't real. For visual hallucinations, a lot of people use their phones to check by looking through the camera app. For auditory ones, earplugs and recording then playing back sound are both common ones. For hallucinated smells, most people use nose plugs, but I use essential oils because they work better for me. I cannot smell anything past them, so anything that doesn't smell like the oil ain't real. For taste, I hear a lot of people use an ice cube on the tongue, but I don't have those. Anyone who does, please chime in! For tactile ones, usually touching the spot yourself will help.

Delusions are more complicated, especially when you're in the middle of them. The strategy that works best for me is basically examining my thoughts. First, I figure out if it's rational or not by applying logic. Why am I thinking this? Does it have a good reason behind it? Next, is this thought going to harm me or other people? If not, I leave it alone. You can choose to examine your benign delusions if you like, I just choose not to.

If it is (a common one that falls into this category for me is paranoia about leaving my home when I need groceries), I essentially start laying out an argument against myself, using my past experiences and research to resist the irrational thought (ex. going to the store is safe, even if it wasn't I can kick most people's asses, and if I can't do that I can scream loud enough to alert anyone within about a quarter mile, and even if something crap happens to me, I'm trained in First Aid and regularly update my training.). This can be difficult, and sometimes fails for me.

I also noted that you specifically had psychotic depression. this ca make things harder, because it's hard to do things when you're depressed. I recommend prepping for the possibility of an episode. Find ways to make your life easier. A list of self-accommodations you may find helpful:

Get some meals you can microwave. Make sure your meds are right next to something you can take them with. Try to keep enough clean laundry around that you won't have to do laundry during the episode. Disposable dishes and utensils are another great accommodation. Have a big trash bin you can pile trash into, and a misc box or hamper so that you can shove shit in it that you don't have the energy to put away, so you still have a floor to walk on safely.

The episode will be over, eventually, and you'll need to take care of whatever happened during it, but the better you take care of yourself during it, the faster it will be over.

If anyone else has advice, please feel free to add on!

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theschizophrenicchristmasgoblin · 1 month

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The Bin Chronicles

The first thing you need to know about me is that I will not be - in any sense of the word - a reliable narrator.

In fact, being an unreliable narrator is exactly what makes me so uncomfortably authentic. I’m a person who struggles with mental illness writing about having a mentally ill experience in multiple mental facilities with other mentally ill individuals.

If you resonate with what you’re about to hear, I’m deeply sorry and hope you’re getting the care and support you need. If you don’t resonate with my story and are simply reading for entertainment, welcome.

Disclaimer about the word bin*

In case you’re wondering what “bin” means in the title of the book, The Bin Chronicles, let me tell you. It is shorthand for the term “looney bin”. It’s an affectionate joking term that some people use to refer to the psych ward. If anyone asks, I made it up.

Chapter 1 - The Drive

Clutching my bleeding forearm to my chest, I tried to wade through my sandbag heavy thoughts. Were the handfuls of ibuprofen I downed ever going to kick in? Would I get charged extra if I bled out in the Uber I impulsively scheduled? Should I have texted all those friends to see if they were awake enough to convince me to go to the ER? Did I even deserve to go to the hospital for something like this?

The piercing headlights of the approaching white sedan broke through my worrying. It was decided. At 1:39 AM on August 20th, 2023, I was going to head to the Massachusetts General Hospital emergency room for severe self-harm.

I’d like to say something inspiring such as “getting in the backseat of that Uber was one of the bravest choices I’ve ever made”. But I’d be lying. It didn’t feel like a brave choice. I didn’t even really want to get help. I just knew that the voice in my head telling me that I needed to cut deep enough to require stitches needed to be taken seriously.

The only memory my increasingly painkiller sedated brain encoded was the irony of being in this particular car. Never in my life have I had a kinder driver. He went above and beyond and offered me a phone charger and water. That had never happened to me before. Meanwhile, I was having one of the worst nights of my life. His warmth made the hot tears roll down my cheeks even harder, as the juxtaposition of a stranger’s kindness compared to my own deadly self-hatred felt like too much to bear. It would have looked like a completely normal ride had I not been holding my injured arm to my chest.

Now that the anxiety of whether or not I should get into the Uber subsided, a new worry popped up. Was the cut deep enough? If not, would they turn me away? I was determined to finally go inpatient and in my deranged mind I thought the only way to get there was to have a medical emergency. As these thoughts multiplied, I remember trying to take in the city and its beautiful florescent lights. For a split second, I felt true serenity being one of the only cars on the highway. With my arm starting to throb and soak through the gauze, the tranquility didn’t last.

Suddenly, everything looked familiar. I had worked at Massachusetts General Hospital for a year as a research coordinator. I recognized Flour Bakery + Cafe, the little coffee shop with the best butter chicken sandwich around, and the old watering hole where we used to drink after work, Harvard Gardens. I got to retrace my daily commute on Staniford Street passing a Domino’s pizza that made me salivate (yes I like Domino’s, don’t turn your nose up at me!) and a sub shop I never got to try, turning right onto Cambridge Street where I could never resist the Whole Foods next to my work at lunch time. Streets usually jampacked and bustling with cars and pedestrians commuting to and from work were eerily empty. No babies crying, dogs barking, no full hands with lunches and coffee or music blaring while bicyclists rode past. As I finally reached the main entrance of Mass General, a feeling of dread set in. I knew that I wouldn’t be going home that night.

I got out of the car. Part of me thought about getting right back in. I guess in that moment I did two things: I fulfilled my mission of taking myself to the ER and I not only admitted I needed help but brought myself to the place that could keep me safe. Once inside, I talked with the woman at the front desk. Everyone there was incredibly calm and kind and I immediately felt a sense of relief. They asked me some basic demographic intake questions like my age, DOB, the nature of the visit, whether or not I had current suicidal thoughts. Unlike my previous ER visit earlier that week, the first thing they did when they saw me was stitch me up. I’ll never forget that the provider doing them said it was almost too superficial to require stitches. While many people might feel comforted by that fact, I felt discouraged. I felt like I hadn’t made the cut deep enough which in turn made me believe I didn’t deserve to be at the hospital. I didn’t see the psych triage team that morning, but I finally fell asleep in a recliner.

Before I explain any further, let me tell you how I put myself in this minacious situation.

…

The weeks leading up to Mass General and eventually McLean Hospital were not pretty. I had been going through a depressive episode for the past 6 months if not longer, but during those last two weeks things had gotten much worse. One of the things I struggle with when I’m depressed is hygiene. Usually that takes the form of not taking my prescribed pills or brushing my teeth. Graphic, I know. Sometimes it involves not brushing my hair or taking showers too infrequently. This time it was all of the above. I felt hopeless consistently and I stopped enjoying things that had otherwise brought me joy.

At that time, I really enjoyed smoking weed and drinking daily. I stopped them both cold turkey. Another source of enjoyment for me was watching TV with my partner every day. During this period, I stopped being able to pay attention to our shows. Instead, I spent most of my time watching myself from outside and above my body. I couldn’t watch TV or hold a conversation without dissociating. Dissociation is a break in how your mind processes information. Dissociation can cause feelings of disconnectedness from your thoughts, feelings, memories, or surroundings. It can also mess with identity and sense of time. It can be a natural response to trauma, a way to cope with stressful experiences, or a symptom of mental illnesses like PTSD, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder to name a few. Alternatively, it is sometimes a side effect of alcohol or taking or coming off of medications. For me, I either view myself from outside my body or stare blankly while being bombarded with anxious thoughts or none at all until someone snaps me out of it.

As soon as I lost interest in those aforementioned activities, I couldn’t bring myself to go back to them. I stopped eating. I struggle with a self-diagnosed weed-induced binge eating disorder where most of the time I restrict my food intake except for when I’m high. Once I stopped smoking, I lost my appetite completely. I wasn’t even restricting; I just had no energy to eat. I didn’t see the point in it anymore.

I couldn’t keep myself up past 8:30 at night. I’d blame it on the medications I was taking, but I can’t even do that because my psychiatrist and I took the one medication that was impacting my sleep, Abilify, out of the mix. Abilify is an antipsychotic that treats many different mental health conditions such as schizophrenia, bipolar I, autism spectrum disorder, and Tourette syndrome. What it does is balance the levels of dopamine and serotonin in the brain to help regulate moods, behaviors, and thoughts. We decided to stop the medication because I wasn’t feeling any positive or negative effects and I didn’t feel like it was contributing to our goal of getting me out of my depressed funk.

Now I had nothing to blame for my change in sleep but my depression. I would later learn from McLean how important it is to change the narrative from “my depression made me do this” to “my experience with depression made me feel this way”. It might sound like a small change, but what it does is stop you from making your illness your whole identity. Personifying depression can give it a life of its own, and it can be empowering to separate yourself from it by making these small linguistic changes. Now that I have that information, I can reframe the narrative to recognize that one of the symptoms of depression is sleep disturbance and that I was at the time experiencing that symptom rather than blame my depression as a whole for the situation.

I started moving slowly. I felt like I was wading through water any time I had to stand. My energy was at an all-time low. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed on the weekends and went right to bed when I got home from work. My bones ached. I felt tired all the time. I felt worthless. I felt like my life had no meaning, like I was merely a husk of my former self. I didn’t feel like I had any value to offer or bring to the world anymore.

I stopped paying attention at work because I couldn’t focus. I cried constantly and isolated myself from the rest of my coworkers. I had to step away from meetings because I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t able to keep up with my social life. I stopped calling my friends and didn’t return their calls when they reached to check in. This may sound like I’m beating a dead horse, and it most definitely is redundant, but I want to highlight what the signs of depression were for me. I hope this helps you to identify it in yourself or in someone else.[MOU1]

I felt like there was no reason for me to live and I fantasized about ending my life. I thought about all the ways in which I could kill myself and how to make it as painless as possible for my loved ones. I had recurring dreams about overdosing on painkillers. To make matters worse, I promised myself that I wouldn’t fail. I knew I didn’t want to end up fucking it up like I did the last time I attempted in 2020. I didn’t want to end up in the hospital or disfigured in some way. I just wanted it all to end.

On August 16th I cut so deeply that I needed stitches. I was on the phone with my partner Beau as he was driving home from work, and I just started cutting and couldn’t stop. The cut was actually a few days old, and it was already relatively deep. I’ve started doing this new thing where I cut in the same spot over and over again. I’m not sure why I switched from hurting myself in multiple places to the same one, but I know that this change is dangerous. It’s dangerous because it deepens the cut which can lead to needing hospital-level care.

Completely on brand, I decided to reopen this old wound and make it deep enough to require stitches. I think the reason I did this was because the other day when I made the initial cut, I called my ex roommate who is studying to be a doctor and she said that it might need stitches. Upon further inspection, she said it should heal on its own. I absolutely hated that she was right, and I wanted to prove her wrong. Welcome to my fucked up brain.

So on August 16th I reopened the wound and slashed at it until my partner came home from work. I couldn’t feel anything while it was happening, and I dissociate[MOU2] d as I watched myself deepen the cut from above my body. Before my partner got home I started rehearsing my smile and my coyness. But as soon as he opened the door, I caved. My cut was bleeding through the gauze, and it was having trouble clotting which was unsurprisingly really hard to hide.

I told him I thought I needed to go to the hospital. So off we went to Newton Wellesley Hospital. It was a surreal experience driving to the emergency room. I wasn’t in an ambulance, just a regular car. And there was that damn irony again, we could have been going anywhere. [MOU3] [MOU4] There I was, bleeding in the passenger seat, but there was no indication to the rest of the world that there was an emergent situation. No one knew I was hurting, inside and out, or that there was a wound acute enough to require stitches.

When we got to the hospital, Beau had me get out of the car so he could park. Upon entering the hospital, I was dismayed at how long the line was. I went all the way to the back and tried not to listen to other people’s conversations. I could smell the hospital: the pungent soapy yet flat geriatric scent that stops you from wanting to take a full deep breath in, the eye-watering bleach that they had used for God knows what, and the stench of stale discomfort and worry. I finally reached the front of the line and it was my turn to tell them why I was there. I strained to get the words out. “I’m here for self-harm”.

Suddenly, I’m treated like VIP. I don’t have to go back to the waiting room like everybody else. I now get to stay at the front of the line, and someone comes to check on me every 5 minutes. Finally, I’m brought back to a different part of the hospital along with a middle aged man who drank too much and took a spill. He keeps insisting that he’s not an alcoholic, and it becomes clear to me why they put us on the same unit: we were both there in a special part of the ER for those who purposefully harmed ourselves in some way. Or maybe it was that we were all dangers to ourselves. [MOU5] I was put on a bed in the hallway but I wasn’t there for long because someone from the psych[MOU6] team came to get me before offering me medical attention. The Psychiatry Triage team at Newton-Wellesley consists of independently licensed social workers. The way it works is people coming through the ER are first evaluated by the Emergency Department clinical team to ensure they are medically cleared. Then the social workers psychiatrically assess the patient to decide what the best level of care is for them. Looking back on this, it’s definitely weird that I wasn’t medically cleared first. Anyways, a nurse came to get me to help me put on scrubs. From there, the social worker and I went into an empty room and I was told to take any seat. I picked one and then was told to find another one, which to delirious me was the first sign that something wasn’t quite right.

The social worker sat far away from me and constantly had to lean in to hear me better. I told her what was going on, and that I wanted to do an outpatient program for Borderline Personality Disorder at McLean Hospital. This is a diagnosis I received in 2021. She laughed in my face and said it would take way too long to get off that waitlist. She asked me once if I wanted to go inpatient[MOU7] , but didn’t give me any information about the process. I declined, and she asked me why I had come to the hospital in the first place. I gestured toward my arm.

What is inpatient treatment you may ask? Here’s what I wish I knew when I was asked if I wanted to go…inpatient treatment is meant to be a short time in a psychiatric hospital to keep people safe during a mental health crisis. This is the most intensive treatment option for mental health, otherwise known as the highest level of care. What this term describes is different types of mental health treatment. This level of care includes hospitalization, whereas the lowest level of care refers to weekly or less often outpatient therapy sessions. Outpatient refers to a level of care in a non-residential setting where patients can live at home while participating in treatment. There are two main types of inpatient care: hospitalization and residential treatment. Hospitalizations are designed to be short term, often an overnight stay up to a few weeks long, and residential treatment often lasts 30 days or more. The focus of inpatient care is stabilization of the patient and developing a treatment plan for continuing their care once they are discharged. Hospitalizations are often thought of as a necessary safe place for those who are experiencing crisis, while residential treatment can help someone avoid a crisis before it escalates to that level. Inpatient can be voluntary which means you agree to seeking intensive care, or it can be involuntary which is referred to as involuntary or compulsory hospitalization where the person does not want to be at this level of care[MOU8] .

For context, inpatient units often look more like a college dorm than a hospital floor. There are both single and double rooms that often have their own bathroom that is shared with the adjacent room. There are also both group therapy and individual therapy rooms where you meet with psychiatrists, therapists, and group facilitators daily. There are common areas for eating, family visits, relaxing in places such as sensory rooms where there are comfortable chairs, fidget toys, and more, there’s always a nurses station where you take your meds, and there are offices for the staff and clinicians who you meet with on a weekly if not more frequent basis. This depends on if you are in a residential or hospital setting. These units are locked or secured environments, meaning that you cannot leave the unit without supervision. On the floor are a team of professionals including psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, case workers, nurses, nutritionists, recreational therapists, occupational therapists, and mental health technicians to name a few.

After this awful interaction with the social worker, I was brought back to my hallway bed and was told to sit tight. A doctor came over and questioned if I even needed stitches, so I showed him my arm and he quickly covered it back up and agreed. To give you a visual, puffy fat [MOU9] was visible from my open wound[MOU10] . At first the deep groove filled up with dark red blood and you couldn’t see anything underneath. When they finally removed the rudimentary bandage I had made, that’s when you could see the true damage. According to my boyfriend the cut was about 3 inches long by an inch wide. While the left side of it was thinner, the right side of the wound was gaping. Yellow fat was visible almost in the shape of a bubble drawn flower and it was protruding a tiny bit past the wound. I could see a small black spot that I later learned was a vein. The fat looked bumpy and textured. No butterfly bandage could hold together what I had done to myself.

Hospital staff came over with an EKG and then they finally put me in my own room where x ray came over to look at my arm. Then the doctor entered the room with a huge syringe. He squirted it into my open wound with no regard for my pain tolerance. Then he began sewing the skin on my upper arm back together. Oddly enough, he never asked if the numbing medicine had kicked in. I can’t quite describe the feeling of the needle, but it was strange, dull, and felt far away due to the numbness. It looked exactly like stitching clothing, a long needle with a thin piece of string except there was a hook for the stitch which entered my arm on either side of the wound. This created small holes that filled with blood too. He told me not to look but I couldn’t help myself. I was grotesquely in awe. As he dabbed at the blood flowing from my open wound I thought I might be sick. When he was done, I had 7 blue stitches on my left arm. The doctor left as quickly as he came.

Then the nurse who had helped me undress and put on scrubs came back in. I told her that I had had an awful experience talking to the social worker. She said, “I’m sorry” and then walked out. Anothernurse overheard the conversation and said she could talk to the social worker for me. I almost let her advocate for me, but I was too scared that the social worker would come in and try to talk to me again, so I said no. She said she could look in the nurses station to see if another social worker was available. I thanked her. She came back with a list of crisis hotline numbers. I left disappointed with no aftercare plan in place. I texted my therapist about it, and she said that particular social worker was known to be a bitch. It’s still insane to me that the last thing I got that night was stitches when that’s all I went in for. It would be understandable to delay my stitches if they had properly gotten me set up with inpatient or outpatient care, but as you can tell that was not the case. I vowed to not go back to Newton Wellesley in the event of another mental health crisis.

…

When I returned home, my therapist made it clear that if I self-harmed again I needed to go directly to the hospital. Her and my psychiatrist both thought I needed to go back to the hospital regardless, but I didn’t want to leave work. I thought that leaving work for a medical emergency meant I wasn’t a good employee. That I wasn’t dedicated enough. To this day, I still feel that way.

Alas, I hung in there. For those of you who don’t go to therapy, therapists often use the phrase “hang in there” when the session is over and you’ve just unloaded five years’ worth of trauma into a fifty-five minute slot. I have always hated the phrase because I feel like it is minimizing. You’re contemplating ending your life? Just hang in there[MOU11] . Anyways, I “hung in there” for three more days.

I don’t remember what time it was on August 19th that I made my decision. In my head I suddenly had a plan. I would pretend for the rest of the day that everything was fine, that I was in a positive mood, and then at night I would cut to the degree of needing stitches again and take myself to the ER. I was actually really nice and generous that day. I bought my roommate and partner dinner and drinks. I kept up appearances. My partner commented on how good of a mood I was in and I cheerily agreed, suggesting that my depression must have finally gone away. On the inside, I was on a mission. All I wanted was for my boyfriend to go to sleep that night. I didn’t want him to take me to the ER because he had already helped me get to the ER for self-harm three days prior. It didn’t feel fair to have him take me for a second time in the matter of one week.

Somehow, I forced myself to watch part of a movie with him. As soon as he started to doze off, I got to work on my plan. I located my scissors. I went into the bathroom. I normally cut horizontally on my left arm. In perfect dissonance, I decided to cut vertically on my right arm. The pair of scissors I was using had gotten dull from years of use. I could barely cut my skin. It was also awkward because I’m a righty, so using my left hand to cut vertically was a challenge. I was listening to Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan [MOU12] on repeat. The pre chorus and chorus really haunt me.

“Stayed on the line with you the entire night

‘Til you let it out and let it in

Don’t let this darkness fool you

All lights turned off can be turned on

I’ll drive, I’ll drive all night

I’ll call your mom”

At the time I didn’t realize how much I was contemplating suicide. The idea of having someone on the phone with me who I could talk to about these feelings rather than acton them would have changed the course of my life. Having someone remind me that the darkness that I was feeling was temporary might have made me make a different decision. That night, I really needed someone to call my mom.

I took one earbud out of my ear so I could hear if my partner woke up. In the bathroom I felt too far away from my room, so I moved to the couch. I used my flashlight on my phone to see what I was doing. He stirred. I freaked out. He got up to use the bathroom and I quickly shut off the flashlight and put a blanket over the bloody scissors and blood-soaked napkins. Somehow he didn’t get suspicious and went back to bed. I started thinking about what I would take with me to the ER. Underwear is a must. Computer, computer charger. Piece of paper from work about FMLA resources. Phone charger. Scrub pants. Comfy clothes.

I got a plastic bag for my dirty supplies. While cutting didn’t hurt on the 16th, it hurt every second on the early morning of the 20th. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I packed my bag, took one last look at my room, and left my apartment. As soon as I got outside I started hyperventilating. In a very unlike me fashion, I proceeded to text a bunch of my friends to ask if they were up. 2 responded, 1 was busy. I called my friend from home and told her I needed to go to the hospital. She stayed on the phone with me until I got in the Uber.

#bipolor #borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #self h@rm #suicide squad #mental health #mental illness #actually mentally ill #mental instability #mental institution #inpatient

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frankieispunkk · 10 months

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Part 2 here ^^^

The intimacy of being understood. Marcus pike x plus sized afab reader.

Part 3,getting to know you.

Minors dni,mentions of sex (smut later on in fic) mentions of drugs,slight mentions of ED,mentions of mental illnesses.

Reader is autistic and plus sized (AFAB) no other physical characteristics mentioned <3

Its around 11pm when we get back to Marcus’s little apartment,it’s nice and cozy in the suburbs of DC,there is a lot of art and old school movie posters on the walls,but it’s very neat. “Well this my humble little abode” Marcus chuckles,

“It’s very cozy,and much cleaner than my place” I laugh softly,his place reminds me of his personality,warm and welcoming,with a tinge of artsiness. “This place would of been my dream at 17” I laugh,”it’s so cool” I say while looking around at all the little details he had put into the place. “Ngl it was my dream to live somewhere like this too,maybe a little bit bigger I must admit but,somewhere I could call home and make it my own all that is missing is a cat to be honest” he laughs,”well I’ve got a cat who I’m sure would love to meet you!” “You do?” “Yeah his name is whiskey,after agent whiskey from the movie,the kingsman golden circle.” “I always thought you looked like Pedro pascal actually,the actor who plays him” I chuckle softly. “Oh yeah,narcos right?,my ex girlfriend always said I looked like Javier Peña,just needed the moustache” he laughs she always had a crush on him. “Your ex girlfriend had good taste” I say winking,”but then again she was a fool to let you go” I say leaning in closer. “Well the way I see it if me and my ex were still together then I wouldn’t of met the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen” he whispers softly “you mean that?” I say softly,”every single word” we are extremely close right now and honestly im getting flustered,I haven’t had physical contact (not even a kiss) in 3 years and Marcus’s breath over me is making me dying to just kiss him. “Can I kiss you” he whispers softly

“You read my mind” I chuckle,our lips meet in the most romantic kiss I’ve ever experienced in my life,it’s like our body’s were made to fit together. A thousand fireworks go off in my mind as we continue to share the passionate kiss,everything about this is perfect,everything.

“That was…amazing” Marcus says breathlessly

“You can say that again” I laugh into his neck,”it’s like our lips were made for each other”

“Can I do it again?” he chuckles

“Fuck yes” our lips meet again and this time it’s slightly more desperate than before,Marcus’s hands roaming my body and settling on my ass,and my anxiety immediately kicks in. I try my hardest for it not to take over me,for the thoughts of my ex to be put to the back of my mind while I enjoy the moment with Marcus,but it’s no good. Marcus notices the change in mood almost immediately,”you ok honey?” “We don’t have to take this any further than you want to take it” and that’s it,the flood gates open and I’m crying into Marcus’s shoulder. “I said I wasn’t going to do this,I said I was not going to let my past ruin what we have,I’m sorry” I sob “hey look at me darling,there is nothing wrong with taking this slow,if you aren’t ready for sex yet then you aren’t ready,we can take this at your pace ok?” “I know you haven’t told me much about your past experiences but what I do know is,they didn’t deserve you. Any man would be lucky to ever make love to you,and I’m so sorry I took it to far sweetheart. I just…haven’t done this in a while. Let’s get to know each other’s bodies before taking that step,and no I don’t mean sexually,I mean what you like and don’t like,both physically and sexually if you are willing to talk about it.” Marcus softly caresses my cheek while sitting down next to me on the sofa. “What caused the trigger response love?” “Do you know or is it just something that happens?”

After I finally calm down and find my voice again I decide to tell him everything. “I was going to tell this a little later,I should of told you earlier but I was scared it will make you put off,I’m autistic and have adhd and sometimes physical touch (especially if I’m not in control of it) really throws me off,and past boyfriends haven’t taken that into consideration and thought it was stupid or strange. I think it’s the build up to sex i really worry about,I can’t shut my brain up at the best of times but when I’m intimate with someone it ramps the thoughts up to 1000%,I know all people get insecure and worried about sex but it’s slightly different for me,it’s someone invading my personal space (sounds selfish I know) especially if it’s missionary it’s very hard for me to cope with someone breathing on me constantly,plus I have to think…do they like my body,am I making the right sounds? Are they enjoying themselves? Am I just sat here like a sack of potatoes right now? Shall I be talking dirty?” “ It’s basically a million thoughts at once and it gets overwhelming” i sigh softly,”im sorry for putting all this on you”.

Marcus takes a deep breath “baby you shouldn’t have to shy away from anything with me,you’re no lesser person because you are autistic,it makes you unique and I am going try to absolute hardest to support you through everything.and I will wait until the time is right,until your completely ready to take next step,I won’t be angry or upset with you because you don’t want to have sex With me for whatever reason. And if it makes you feel better,honestly I’d like it if you were the one in control. And if it makes you feel more comfortable and confident then it’s what we’ll do when the time is right. Marcus leans over and kisses my cheek,”you’re so amazing,never forget that darling”. “Now shall put on a movie and we can have some hot chocolate with extra cream?” He chuckles,”sounds amazing” I smile up at him, how the fuck did I get so lucky?i’m falling head over heals for this guy and I’m certainly not mad about it.

#Spotify #marcus pike x plus sized reader #marcus pike x you #pedro pascal characters #autisic #marcus pike fic #fluff

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qwuilty · 1 year

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God I love ur takes on p1 dude so much!!! Do u have more hcs to share!!! Angsty and not :0?

Yeah i think i can share some, pardon if any of them are a bit of a run on sentence though, math homework has fried my brain a little XD (warning for like, discussion of military related trauma sorry if the warning is bad again my brain is fried <:'') )

As i said before I'm starting to come more around to the idea he enlisted after dropping out of college, if you've been around like. Any US high school or college you've probably seen recruiters perched in the halls like vultures (though it's probably more so nowadays honestly) and i think that feeling of complete failure, mixed with his need to try and 'redeem' himself by doing something 'good with himself' after may have pushed him to do so. And by all means, physically he was capable. He wasn't a star athlete but he was fairly well built and able to make it through training, it was mentally where things went wrong.

I think already he was a pretty high stress person with bad coping mechanisms, but actually having to be there on a field of combat, where slight mistakes could very well mean you never return home, i think that REALLY fucked with him. It's when his insomnia started getting worse, this looming fear of something going wrong, and it all boiled over to the ordeal i headcanon as to why he got kicked out.

After a long bout of insomnia, sleepless nights on edge as he dealt with auditory hallucinations, trying to keep himself up in one piece to not Fuck This One Chance Up as it were, it lead to a pretty bad incident one night. He (thought) he was the only one awake out of everyone else there, having a very bad night of nagging fear that there was going to be an attack on everyone else with "warning signs" (most likely small, unrelated issues blown out of proportion) and another soldier, very unaware of his current state accidentally snuck up on him asking for a light and scared him absolutely shitless.

Needless to say, startling a man very much on the edge thinking he may have to be the only one awake to keep his fellow men from dying that night was a very bad idea, thankfully someone spotted them before he choked them to death, but he was deemed unfit to serve after his 'sudden' outburst.

But even if he hadn't served full time, i think that kind of experience REALLY fucked with him, partially why he tanked so hard mentally on top of the existing college stuff and his sense of being a failure. I mainly think of the events of Postal 1 as kind of a tale of hundreds, millions of little things that lead to one big implosion, but it's one of those things to others that comes "out of nowhere" because he tried very hard to seem like he was ok.

I'm also more partial to him having served just out of logical sense, it makes sense for him to have prior training to explain how he's able to go against the military and SWAT force, why one of his first places to go after finding out about the 'virus' was the air-force, use of terms like 'flyboy', 'solider', 'grunt' and all. So i think on top of his already existing mental illnesses, the time served in the military added on additional PTSD explaining why he had auditory hallucinations of gunshots at night and fell back into his bad mental state.

This was mainly just kind of one big long headcanon explanation, but i hope you enjoyed it nonetheless!

#postal 1 #postal #postal dude #long post #i dont know if read more fully works for asks nowadays so i wanna be safe #also this is more indulgent but. i really think mama by mcr fits for him and i have been listening it to a lot thinking over these hcs #(i dont know if this needs tagging for stuff? if so let me know and ill add them ^^)#an additional one i just have as an. indulgent Hes Just Like Me HC is him having ocd. but yknow not the funny haha media clean freak ocd #like. actual irl ocd with the horrifying intrusive thoughts. i did kind of touch on that in my first hc dump #with him having it mostly related to morality crisises but also just. as a treat i will sprinkle every now and then some ocd-having p1 hcs

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hella1975 · 1 year

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hey I have life advice to ask and if it's not cool then just go ahead and delete this-

I'm gonna be 17 soon and I was pulled out of school due to stuff I couldn't really control, so I dont really have a college/university to expect in about 2 years ish if I cant pull through out of my depression/anxiety and take the GED tests (american testing, its like a substitute for a highschool diploma, which is.... shit idk the differences to england but either way if I cant study and complete 4 giant tests, colleges/universities wont be available to me. I think.). I really could just move about anywhere I'm able to, and there's this place that I really, really love. I've done everything I can to know about it besides GOING there, because it is incredibly far away from my home. Really fucking far. It's been smth of an idea of mine I've held on to a year, like all the towns and places I dive into I just keep coming back to that spot. It feels like the one, like I can't really see myself growing old because of my depression but I can SEE it there, and I've never felt that.

The thing is I know from a few older mutuals of mine (and just other adults in gen) that things can change and while you might go to uni/college for [X Thing] you'll come out with something else you found so you'll now have [Y Thing]. like what you're expecting or want is going to change as you learn more or delve into it. I don't know how much I should take that to heart really? There's this fear that's been placed into me that I can't actually think for myself if I'm always going to be changing. I'm so confident about this rn but what about later? Sorry if this freaks you out too JFNSJMW like we're about 2-3 years apart but it just feels like so MUCH, I wanted your advice since you've got the uni experience I might miss out on

(My family is fine really like they're not going to kick me out or anything, they've just got other problems ig that I'd like to escape from because a lot of what they do has me just.. stuck with myself. It sucks being a teenager because I'm just in the middle of it all)

hi anonstie! sorry for the slow reply to this, i hope im not too late to any decision making. thank you so much for trusting me with this, it's a really scary situation for any teenager deciding on something that seems so defining, let alone with mental illness factors and possible family pressures. trust me I GET THAT. so everything i say is my opinion very tainted by my own bias and personal experiences, but you know that and asked me anyway so im gonna assume we're clear on that okay:

so as someone who not only has the uni experience but overall LOVES uni like could not have picked a better option i love my uni life i love my friends i love my independence so much that i stick doing a subject i HATE bc i love my life here so much - coming from someone in that position, you want to know what i think? if you're not sure about going to uni and genuinely think you'd be happier elsewhere, do not go. im being so serious. university is a challenge, and people know that, but you have to take what you think it's gonna be like and double how hard it really is. it's a fucking culture shock and a half and even those who settle in well (i like to think i did) still have trouble finding their feet, and it's fucking scary. you have to have a level of certainty to manage it. idk maybe im being too extreme here but ive seen so many people who regret uni and are the loneliest they've ever been, and if you already have mental illness weighing on you that's not a boat you want to be in even if you might not end up like that.

the option does not vanish just because you didn't do it at the 'correct' age. i can see ur stress around the exams and while i know fuck all about american education, i refuse to believe there's no ways around it or ways to redo at a later time, or even if you do just wind up with not very good qualifications, somewhere will take you. i was convinced that if i didnt get out of my hometwon at 18 with the natural progression in academia then i would be stuck there forever, and part of me still believes that no matter how silly it is, which is why i outright refuse to drop my subject even on the days when it eats me alive, because i think if i drop out i'll get stuck in my hometown. uni was an escape for me and that's one of the reasons i love it so much. but over time, while it still lingers i wont pretend it doesnt, ive realised how wrong that mindset is. there's so many types of people at university. some people come onto campus with their children. some people are middle-aged. some people just did a gap year. my own flatmate is a second year uni student just like us but she's a year older bc she dropped out of first year bc of covid and reapplied. uni made me realise how common MESSINESS is. i hardly know anyone who got here on the really straight and narrow route, and maybe that's just part of being the covid cohort who knows but there's not a 'correct' way of doing things.

idk i think school is very rigid UNTIL you reach eighteen, and bc the universe is such a bitch you only realise how fluid everything gets post-eighteen ONCE YOUVE MADE THE DECISIONS.

so yeah, if you want to know what i think? chase that place that's calling to you. worst case scenario is it lets you down but you finally scratch the itch; that alone is something to live for. if you ever change your mind, university and that path isn't going anywhere. there's always so much choice, we just sometimes box ourselves in until it feels like there isnt

#i feel for you genuinely you couldnt pay me any money in the world to be 18 and scared again #it's truly fucked how little guidance we get just to turn a corner and realise everything truly is fine #like geniunely things work themselves out and adulthood teaches you that #there are scary awful horrible horrible times of course. but you have autonomy and there's always options #it's not as overwhelming anymore #ask

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menacetosocietyy · 1 year

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TW: mental illness, mentions of suicidal shit, homelessness.

If I'm inactive it's because I might be homeless soon and I have no way to change it unless I make a gofundme to accept donations, or take out more loans.

Idk how to put the keep reading thingy on mobile I'm sorry

My parents are kicking me out.

Any and all advice is appreciated

Homelessness here is a death sentence- if someone else doesn't kill me, the elements will. I also have 2 cats I refuse to give up and they're my unofficial ESA's.

I do not have anywhere to go if I am kicked out, basically no one can afford to live themselves nevermind supporting someone else. I also have medication that I need to take (antidepressants, adhd, anxiety) in order to be able to function as a semi-normal person- especially for school.

Note: I am not mentally well enough to work while in school, I've tried many times. Each time has caused a suicide attempt or severe panic attacks resulting in being fired. I've tried working instead of school, same shit and minimum wage isn't enough for shit here. The career I am studying for is the only thing I can even tolerate on a bad day, but enjoy on good-normal days. So a job is not an option for me because experience shows from my past- I will simply end this subscription to life. But I don't actually want to die, I just want my pain and suffering to end.

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cherryblossom-nightscape · 2 years

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My submas aus

okay so! i asked if ya’ll wanted to see my other submas aus that had things already written for them, some people expressed interest, sorry for not posting this sooner i was super scared to do this but i think i can do this now.... also i can’t link stuff so i’ll put down the tag i’ll use/have used for the writings for these aus. now that iv’e cleared things up ill list my aus Robo emmet au about: After Emmet had been attacked and killed by a wild Zoroark after visiting lostlorn forest without his pokemon, Ingo rebuilds Emmet as a robot out of desperation, adding a few things to the robot to make emmet more safe than he was before, including an internal pokedex, a “lost mode”, an internal reminder to not leave the house without pokeballs and some self defence mechanisims, things kick off when emmet returns from “vacation” and ingo realises emmet is more protective than normal..... (might have a pla arc) chapters; 4 (the first three are very short) -My robo emmet au -Elesa asks too many questions -Welcome back emmet -Emmet returns (and gets mad) all the works are tagged with #robo emmet au Mythical fusion au about: after being kidnapped by team plasma Emmet and Ingo are fused with victini and meloetta in a normally fatal experiment, after they escape they realise they have new quirks, desperate to not be captured by team plasma again they hide these quirks and move houses every week around the unova region while still working as subway bosses in the daytime and trying to hide this fact from everyone else as well No chapters posted yet will be tagged #mythical fusion au #victini!emmet #meloetta!ingo Making new friends au about: After ingo and emmet get weirdly worded texts asking them to meet a friend in different places their tracks are seperated and they both are on a new adventure. (it’s an au because instead of ingo falling into hisui, ingo and emmet are tasked to meet someone) No chapters posted yet will be tagged #making new friends au Seperated personalities au about: after an incident Ingo and emmet have been seperated into 7 parts of their personalities, they need to hide this fact from elesa and everyone else (and they fail) (supposed to be a comedic au) No chapters posted yet will be tagged #seperated personalities au Desperation and Dreams au about: after Emmet gets mentally troubled with ingo’s death he makes a desperate decision and fails, the new depot agent, Zane and their musharna decide to help in their own way No chapters posted yet will be tagged #desperation and dreams au Unknown vampires au about: Surprise!!! its a monster au!!! uhh ingo and emmet have been turned into vampires and don’t know they have, elesa is a key instrument to helping them realise this No chapters posted yet will be tagged #unknown vampires au

#submas aus #that's the only tag im giving this #anywho now that iv'e posted this i hope ya'll will like these aus #they've been sitting in a word doc for a couple of days now

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conspiritusnosterchorus · 9 days

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The uncircumcised heathen are "the sons of Belial" (ib. xv. 32). Jewish Encyclopedia I was accused of antisemitism when I quoted this article against some of the claims they made about "sons of Belial" and Belial himself. Not to mention I was accused of anti-islam when I said my ex is a muslim who harbors a hatred toward Christians (fact) so im not sure what was anti-islam about my personal relationship with my ex, it's the only thing i said "my ex is a muslim". The power of western-educated people that purport supremacy over other sources of information. i guess.

They also ignored my experience with other wives and consorts of Belial and claimed I'm level 2-3 possessed (as far as I know, this person wasn't a Catholic priest or anyone really, just a random person in a server) by Belial and told me i need to cut all contact with him. (Which is the leading theme of the spiritual harassment I've experienced, to cut connections and ties with Belial. but by this person to "help against alleged, baseless claim of being demonically possessed" - way to take the side of the harassers - to cut off the threat that can help against these problematic beings! or at worst, fear-mongering a severely ill person who has been unable to get psychiatric help and is so oversensitive to medication that can't be medicated - this is actually a fact, my psychiatric doctor told me there's no available medications for me to try anymore-- but go off i guess). Not to mention the idea they seemed to have, that all Christians and Jews worship the same God, instead of Christians worshipping a dead guy as a god, or like some theorize a Christian Egregore (which in my opinion each sect has their own version (egregore) of this Christian god - it's a stolen book and their own lore is all over the place and cherry picked - dead sea scrolls and all that isn't accepted from these writings into the official book and teachings). It's been told to me by several people how the Abrahamic God is an entirely different entity from the god(s) Christians worship and follow.

and then, I was supposed to comply to these strangers claims after trusting them with my experience. and because I according to them "didn't" they wanted to kick me out based on, quoting Jewish Encyclopedia, telling them my divergent experience of others who work (in very positive ways) with Belial - having dated a muslim and yeah, not taking at face value their 'advice from the expert' who is a total random stranger online refuting other sources and experiences. and ignored my very real situation of having tried to get all sorts of psychiatric help (depression, trauma, religious trauma, severe abandonment and excommunication by my birth cult and family, other trauma symptoms) for 20 years and then lastly being told "We can't do anything for you". sorry mates, if my doc says they can't do anything for me anymore, no amount of your "Have you tried to get medical help?" is gonna make me beat a dead horse more just to appease your egos.

but these people always do others a favor. i wouldn't want to stay in such a place that's so quick to cut people off and blame and accuse them irrationally. they're worst for mental health. I'm rather gone from such a place that feigns friendliness but is very quick to come up with excuses to get rid of people that don't dance to their "happiness woo woo" or whatever the heck it is. plus there was someone else who had a bad experience with them as well. i also feel bad now for having recommended them to someone.

not that the public craft spaces aren't also sanitized currently, sadly. compared to the diverse witchblr of ten years ago where people talked about all sorts of things from astral worlds to energy work experiences to realms and entities and other deep esoteric experiences that had less to do with what some people call "larping" these days and more to do with gnosis. way to shut down people's experiences truly. /rant end thanks for reading <3 best wishes from a girl being possessed by Belial for the past 26 years I guess :D what a lucky girl :3

#personal #spirit work #witchcraft #godspouse

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thehumanexperience8b · 24 days

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March 26th, 2024: I Am In Control

Hello! I am so sorry I haven’t been able to write to you these past couple days, I just got busy. Actually, I’m lying! (For the sake of this entry!!) I didn’t write because I just didn’t. The reason for why may vary, but in reality, I had complete control over my actions. Taking a break of course is okay, but I take full responsibility for my actions.

Taking responsibility for your actions can be scary, or it can be freeing! The universe will throw things in your way, but if you want it, you can have it! Don’t keep telling yourself “but the circumstances…” because the circumstances aren’t in control, you are!

I’m going to talk about a classic psychology experiment in American history called the Stanley Milgram experiment. To summarize, the patient/volunteer in the study is asked politely by a figure of authority (perceived scientist in experiment) to inflict pain on an unseen actor. They were told they needed to flip the switch to give the actor an electric shock if they got an answer wrong. The experiment showed that most people will do as they were told even if they didn’t want to hurt the man anymore. Milgram has stated that 65% of the people in the study administered the heaviest voltage of 450 volts and were assumed to have killed the man behind the screen. The volunteers believed that the scientist would take responsibility for hurting this man, when really, all actions are on the person flipping the switch. Who is actually flipping that switch? Why do you listen to that man and not the man in pain? I do think there’s some problems with this, as they weren’t just doing it for fun, they were slightly pressured. But we can gather that the man would not be getting shocks if it wasn’t for the person delivering them.

I’ve seen a lot of videos in which there might be someone saying something like, for example, “I want to lose weight, but I can’t because…” but yes, you can! No it won’t be easy, but humans are made for the dirty work! If you want something bad enough, you will find a way to get there. Be a dreamer, it’s not a bad thing. Just start reasonably and set your sights high. There’s a saying that goes, aim for the sky and you’ll reach the ceiling. Aim for the ceiling, you’ll stay on the floor. Similarly, aim for the moon, and if you miss, you’ll fall upon the stars. But I’m rambling about dreams now!

Another opinion that has risen in popularity online (but has died off a little now) is that if you have mental illness you have an excuse for your actions. It reminds me of the story I tell often where this person trying to get involved with my friend group, felt it was appropriate to hit me in the back of the head, because she has D.I.D and “it was just my alter.” I do not forgive that person. One of my old friends I don’t talk to much anymore still defends this by saying it wasn’t her in control. Yes she was! Who is the one with the arms to hit me? I understand why that is being said but it’s simply not an excuse. I think of a simple thought, “if it won’t hold up in court, you are liable!” Not that the American judicial system is the most accurate… As a person who lives with bipolar disorder, if I have an emotional outburst at someone, kicking and screaming because I was the one who forgot to take my medicine; I cannot blame it on mental illness. I am not insane, I was aware of the potential risks of not taking that medicine.

I believe it makes your life easier to accept your actions as your own, and not only that, other people will find you easier to get along with because you accept when you’re wrong (or right). It’s not fun to blame someone else for something, we need honesty and self-respect. My philosophy teacher believes if we were kinder, and more true to ourselves, humans would act more honestly and kindly to others. Is it your brain causing you to conform so you will feel accepted? And is your soul telling you that you shouldn’t? Remember you are in control of your life! Think about your influences. You live your own life, and we only have proof of one!

#control #mindset #i am in control #mental illness #bipolar disorder #love

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foxfairy06 · 6 months

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Ollie here again. does really matter whether i point that out so whatever. u said you weren't rude and then called me a pissbaby so, And the "saying super homophobic shit" I'm aro/ace myself nor do i believe legit anything of what i said that was homophobic, u will not believe me. i do not care.

You diagnosis a "brief" examination

I myself am diagnosed and that was the way i was diagnosed myself, i explained another version which I myself was also diagnosed under, as you can see we cannot relate with how we were diagnosed, so this is proving my point that how you have gotten diagnosed is not a universal thing so you can now see why i was skeptical, because even with telehealth if you don't have insurance, it still costs money. which this also depends on where you live, because in America they do not care about free healthcare. and from the places that i understand that do give free healthcare like Canada if your a birthed citizen , and like Australia or smth, How you got diagnosed is not universal, it depends where you live and what hospital you go to ect.

hypocrisy: the examination.

You clearly weren't understanding the meaning of what this word is so i will put it here along with the example i previously stated. from the Merriam-Webster "a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings" you say you support Trans ppl but if they don't meet your criteria of what YOU think a trans person should be you, exclude them. your reply was also not related to the point i was attempting to make, "It's not hypocrisy to provide a safe space for a group and exclude people" You should have worded that better with the point you were attempting to make, Ill use a similar example to one a friend told me "i joined a adhd club and they kicked me out because i wasn't "adhd enough" Its what you are doing and its hypocrisy, you are telling people "yep i support trans people but oh if you don't have a diagnosis something that sometimes cost quite a bit of money, you aren't valid and you aren't transgender because i say so", not a exact quote but you should get the idea.

I was incorrect: a analysis.

I will say i was incorrect about rad meds and trans meds. "If you would actually interact with trans meds instead of foaming at the mouth and screaming in all caps whenever you see one you would know that."

Sorry that i don't wanna associate with someone who's harming the transgender community and states that the multiple years of my transition aren't real because i wasn't diagnosed, and that I've basically only been a actual trans man as of recent because i got my diagnosis within the last 6 months. so all of that experience i've had was just me being a tomboy..

Do you hear how that sounds crazy, that everything i learned in all those years, I've labeled myself as trans is now just me being a tomboy woman who was just struggling with their mental health and how their body looked ect. ect. that's saying that my entire transition was just me pretending to be a man. that's so heartbreaking knowing that some trans people in my own community didn't see me as a man because i didn't have a diagnosis. but maybe you got a diagnosis before you started transitioning so you might not even know how that feels, but what do i know right?

You arent a poor child: a small examination

Yes i did look into this, now if you mean the term like poor as in lack of dollars maybe, that could be the cause and I'm not going to discriminate against that.

You could have meant poor as in "woe of me" type of way.

But you aren't a child. your in college , as u stated on your Youtube video, which is public, and i will ask you to please ask non trans meds about the information in your videos because me and my inclusionist friends definitely saw false things in your "lgbt 101" episodes, which you say are based of your opinion and how there are others that exist but you never actually go over those opinions and let a watcher think about which one they believe themselves.

And harassment in America means: " It is commonly understood as behavior that demeans, humiliates, and intimidates a person,"

I haven't attempted to lower you statue in the trans med community and i do not care to do so.

I did attempt to humble you, but the information that i believed was to be correct was false and you instead humbled me so, its whatever.

and i will say i took the screenshots incase you did delete anything or attempt to spread a false narrative, but i did not have any mean to actually use the photos against you in any way. as i said in this message which you have most likely seen "its possible they are sending screenshots of not the whole story so i have the whole thing", saying "gathering stuff on the owner" was false and i do not care enough about you, which u could say "oh you do, you've sent me 2 asks and talked to me on discord" being blind sighted by rage is a interesting thing. i cared about making a impact, because i was angry.

You told me i needed to get help, some people can not afford to get a therapist, i don't want a therapist that i wont feel comfortable with and have been taking my time searching for one that will fit me. I'm glad that you are able to get the therapy and help you need for little to nothing but i able unable to do so.

-ollie,

I'm still annoyed but I'm not angry so.

hopefully this is enough for you.

> you said you weren't rude and then called me a pissbaby

Because i wasn't rude in the chat. I wasn't rude to you, until you were rude to me. See how that works?

> I'm aro/ace myself, nor do i believe the things i said, not that you'd know that though

I know you were trolling. However you thought the best thing to do was harass a server that is open and accepting of asexuals and run by several asexuals was to pretend like you avidly oppose asexuals, and make homophobic claims you do not believe in because you wanted to hurt people. And we're the group that's harmful? Right.

> the way i got diagnosed is different from the way you gotten diagnosed, so you can see it's not a universal thing, blah blah blah.

I live in america. In a red state. I have zero insurance. I have not spent nor will I spend a single cent and yet i am being diagnosed in two appointments, one in person and one over the phone. I am not using telehealth. I also have an entire server full of diagnosed people. Some have been diagnosed for no additional costs to the physical medical services they attended to in the ER, physician visits, PBH, ect. So don't give me that. It is not difficult to get a diagnosis if you attempt to do so.

> your example of why you aren't a hipocrite isn't true because i had a better one, and adhd club that kicks people out with adhd for not being ADHD enough.

That isn't what this is. Ths isn't a "trans enough." Debate. This is a "trans at all" debate. Only trans people.

> your belief that you must be diagnosed

I never said you must be diagnosed not has any common transmed ever said that. It's a strictly radmed thing. We believe you must have reportable or "diagnosable" dysphoria. Which includes persistent euphoria in most cases because euphoria is caused by dysphoria.

> sorry i don't want to spend time with people who told me my years of transition aren't real because i wasn't diagnosed

I can't confirm this isn't true but my other mods have seen your account and know that you are likely a minor so imma take that with a grain of salt. I highly doubt transmeds have been telling you your transition isn't real because you weren't diagnosed. A, because transmeds are quiet irl. B, because there is only a very small portion who believe you need to carry a diagnosis to be trans. C because if you're willing to cry and scream to get your way you're willing to lie too. I used to be like you, I've played this game.

> you aren't a poor child

I never said i was? That was a comparison. You must be either dim or completely unable to read context clues to come to the conclusion that i made that claim-

> Which you stated in your YouTube video

Lemme get this straight, you are so pissed, so mentally unstable that not only did you troll my server, send super long messages to the mods, and send THREE 3 (•••) super long asks, but you also stalked my YouTube channel and got pissy over there? Jesus man. Get your issues under control.

> Your LGBT 101 series was wrong and you should have used inclusionist points blah blah blah

I used to be an inclusionist. I know that stuff is incorrect. Not only this, but if anyone wants to know the inclusionist set of beliefs i have an breakdown of that on my Discourse Academy series that breaks inclusionist and exclusionist beliefs down. I stated in the beginning that my beliefs are not everyone's. If they want to see other people's beliefs they can literally go to every other lgbt education channel. Which are almost all explicitly inclusionist.

> behavior that demeans, humiliates, or intimidates a person

• demeans

- name calling, personal attacks, homophobia, transphobia, acephobia

• humiliates

- name calling, personal attacks against members

• intimidates

- horrible statements that all of us associate with actual conservatives who have harmed us in the past. Which you would not do to other LGBT people if you had experienced because you would know what that feels like.

>I do not care... ...I cared because I was making an impact and was angry

You did not make an impact, you looked like a screaming monkey to everyone else involved.

You clearly did care because you send THREE (3) {•••} Novel long asks, which i know because you referenced the radmed one, you looked through my entire YouTube channel, send novel long messages to all of the mods for muting you for saying fucked shit, and you went out of your way to troll because you can't get your shit in order.

You are being a hypocrite by making this statement as you directly contradict yourself in literally the next sentence.

> you told me to get some help but I can't do that before I can't afford it

If you can't afford therapy than maybe you should think before doing something that clearly shows you need therapy. You can always check into an ER and they can send you to a mental hospital. Normally medicaid covers those.

This is not a brag. This is you displaying your complete lack of self control, and obsessive behavior, as well as a lack of anger management. You need to see a therapist. I promise you there are places in your area that do it for free or very cheap. If you don't want to go to a therapist you don't like, have you considered you don't like the therapist because they're breaking down your bad behavior?

Ps. I know you're angry because no calm or rational person sends an anonymous ask this long

Everyone else... This little guy is such a riot huh? It's hilarious honestly, I'm gonna see if he left any mean comments on my YouTube videos.

#exclusionist #gravity knife gay #anti inclusionist #anti inclus #battleaxe bi #longsword lesbian #exclus #transmed #transmed safe #esai lgbt #pro transmedicalist #pro truscum #truscum safe #anti mogai #anti terf #anti xenogender

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throughtrialbyfire · 6 months

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"infodump abt ur ocs" you say?

I'm sorry in advance, you've just opened yourself up to being my sounding board for all the stupid thoughts I keep having about my dumb little stories.

--If Ardwe made one slightly different decision and raised Antoriel herself, she would die worse in an even more miserable place, at the hands of the same person. Their relationship would be so hot-and-cold and Antoriel so emotionally unstable having to deal with her untreated mental illness, she wouldn't even know it was a possibility with a knife to her neck. She would find that to be a normal Fridas evening until it was far, FAR too late.

--If Sigvi's mother had made one slightly different decision and stuck out her marriage instead of leaving, Avalanche would have never happened. Sigvi would have never decided to study restoration magic, and she would have far less pity for an enemy. She would have left Antoriel at the foot of the mountain to die, she wouldn't have even done him the kindness of killing him off the rest of the way.

--If both those mothers made those differing decisions, Avalanche would have kicked off with Ardwe getting the axe and Antoriel fleeing into the Rift to meet Sigvi. Mannior would be the main "antagonist" hunting them down for most of it, but it would turn out he wasn't doing so to turn anyone in, he's also in some very hot water, and can't operate without someone who has a backbone propping him upright. He just wants Antoriel to be his stand-in self worth, given Antoriel has plenty to go around.

The real problem would actually be Sigvi's brother who was a character I cut outside of a brief mention in Avalanche. He joined the Empire where Sigvi (and her two other brothers) would side with the Stormcloaks. He wouldn't be evil, he'd just be pressured into compliance after the Thalmor realized the family history.

--If Mannior finds a way to survive after the conclusion of "Ardwe" don't expect to ever hear from him again. No matter how thrilling a tale you might think it would be to hear of his escape from consequences, I assure you, it is not. He's not going to reflect on his behavior, he's not going to uphold his current beliefs if it creates any amount of conflict for him wherever he goes, he's not even going to spend money on interesting things. He is an unseasoned boiled potato of a person, and I pity him the most of all my characters.

--If I could go back in time, I would try harder to fit in my "Orcs working the debt to society off through military conscription" arch instead of plopping them in at the end of Avalanche like I did. Ushra was supposed to be more of a foil to Ardwe to show she isn't without positive traits at all, and I would have set up an emotional expectation via Garlub for people who had previously read Avalanche that would have made Mannior feel all the more pathetic for anyone coming back to read "Ardwe"... If that makes any sense.

--If Antoriel didn't decide to fight Ardwe at the end of Avalanche, Anja would have still been born. And if I was unsure I wanted her gone, I would have explored what pregnancy does to magicka reserves and use simply because I find the idea of hormones interacting with magicka to be a fascinating thought experiment, and pregnancy is one of the most wild (temporary) hormonal fluctuations a person could go through. I think it would make someone's access to magicka go into crazy extremes one way or the other and make using it very dangerous, for the record.

--I hate trying to come up with Altmer names, and always have. Deciding to write a Thalmor fic wasn't the biggest mistake I've ever made, but it certainly felt that way when I had to come up with a billion Altmer names for it.

I've had more pointless thoughts nobody has asked me for, but I have forgotten them. I hope this distracts you, as confusing as it probably is.

SHAKING YOU. never apologize for rambling!! i love when ppl ramble at me, it's always welcomed here!!

do you know how much i love the butterfly effect of "this decision caused a billion other consequences/decisions leading up to one big consequence" concept. it's literally one of my favorite things and this is SO fucking cool.

"He is an unseasoned boiled potato of a person, and I pity him the most of all my characters." i love that so much, i have several characters who can be summarized by the mantra of, "i will never change, i will never improve, that is a promise". i think it can actually make for an interesting character, knowing that they aren't going to change, no matter the circumstances or their escapes from circumstances, and what that does to them or the situations they land in afterwards.

parents making decisions that echo down to their children is something i love seeing. the consequences of family decisions, trauma, or just "what if this went differently" is always a thrilling thought experiment when writing or coming up with new directions to take stories!! i'm hoping to incorporate a bit of that into how i write athenath's relationship with his mother, whatever tiny strain of their relationship remains.

i'm shaking your hand on the whole "if i could go back in time and change this detail". i wanted to incorporate emeros being a hunter and skilled at skinning animals/tanning hide, as it's very important down the line, but i couldn't figure out how, so random wolf event happened. it's the way it goes when you're writing, and all you can do really is work with it the best you can! i understand entirely, wanting to set up an emotional payoff you feel would have been better than what happened is such a real experience aughhhhh

ohhhh i love the idea of hormones having an effect on magicka reserves/magic in general! that's such an interesting concept to play around with, especially with the idea of it becoming very dangerous. that lends itself to all sorts of ideas on what aldmeri/bosmeri/dunmeri pregnancy would be like, or any situation where hormones were involved, such as transitioning or hormonal disorders, or even puberty and how that would impact magicka for someone!

relatable, making fantasy names can be such a nightmare, and knowing there's such a huge amount of already canon altmer names can be so exhausting because it's as though all options are taken. it's a challenge for sure, and i'm always impressed when people have a bunch of altmer ocs!!

i'm eating all of this up, i love reading about people's ocs and i'm always always down for infodumping!! thank you for sending this!!

#bishop.txt #asks

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