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averykedavra · 4 years

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No Longer Will You Deceive Yourself

Anon asked: Demus? Where Remus thinks Janus is gonna leave him but Janus is like, "Honey no. You're stuck with me-"

Sassy, I love it. And yes, I haven’t touched these prompts, but I was really tired today and needed to write some quick hurt/comfort, so sue me. Warning: I am, as said before, really tired, and I am writing this during my online graduation, so it will probably be not great and somewhat OOC. Thanks to @chaospersonified for supplying me with the plural of Pocky. Title from Forbidden Fruit ‘cause it’s late and I can’t function.

Find this fic on Ao3 here!

Summary: Remus knows Janus is going to leave. He has the Light Sides now--he doesn’t need Remus. He just wishes Janus would get it over with.

Words: 2733

Pairings: Platonic Dukeceit.

Warnings: blood mention, death mention, violence mention, swearing, self-deprecation, self-isolation, sympathetic Janus and Remus

Remus isn’t a patient person.

Okay, yeah, big shocker. He’s all about surprise and excitement and adventure and pushing the envelope. He’s filled with energy, vibrating and dancing and spreading through him at every possible opportunity. He has a million thoughts that tug him in different directions and splinter his bones into little pieces and he follows them blindly, leash around his neck, ‘cause why not? There’s no point in waiting if he can do something already. It’s instant gratification or things get boring. Everything could always be more exciting and more disturbed and faster.

Sometimes Remus wonders if he sees the world faster than everyone else, if other people don’t feel like everyone else is in slow motion. Probably not. It’s probably a weird Remus thing, like every other part of Remus, another trait that sets him apart. Being unique is fun, but it’s lonely, especially when you’re the kind of unique no one wants.

“People hate what they don't understand,” Janus would say. “Society is built to reject anyone who doesn’t conform to its standards, unless that nonconformity can be harnessed for its own ends. Nobody is perfect, they’re just better at hiding it. You have freedom, and that is something many people would kill for.”

Janus was always good at reassuring Remus. Well, in his own way, which was basically “Eat the rich.”

Remus still isn’t a patient person, though, and that’s why he wants Janus to just leave.

He knows Janus is gonna. He knew it the moment Janus came back downstairs after that video, wild glee on his face. He knew it the moment Janus whispered “I told him.” He knew it when he watched that episode--seriously, Patton could turn into a frog with killer abs? Who knew--and he saw Janus take off those ridiculous gloves and share his name. And Roman was a bitch about it, so Remus reminded himself to stab Roman at some point, but Thomas wasn’t. Thomas accepted Janus. Patton accepted Janus. And if Patton said something, then it was law.

Janus had a place now. He’d pulled a Virgil, clawed himself up from the recesses of Thomas’ mind and snatched a seat at the table. He had it all before him now: baking cookies with Patton, listening to music with Virgil, debating with Logan, questing with Roman. He had all that love and that happiness and that disgusting goodness.

With that as an option, why would he ever choose Remus?

Remus, with his too-loud voice. Remus, with his despicable ideas. Remus, with his inability to remember boundaries--hug, don’t hug, Janus lied but sometimes he didn’t and Remus could never tell which--and his inability to stop himself from blurting out everything that came to mind. He was so sensitive sometimes, too. Every short reprimand felt like a knife stabbing through the lining of his heart. Every time someone turned away and ignored him was a rope around his neck, choking him out. And not in a fun way.

Remus is everything wrong with Thomas. No one in their right mind would choose to be around him. Janus only liked him because there was no one else, and without someone by your side, the Mindscape was a cold and empty place.

One particularly evil and selfish part of Remus was almost glad when Virgil left. It meant Remus had Janus all to himself. It meant he could scrounge up more scraps of attention and pretend that attention was affection, acknowledgment was respect, and companionship was friendship.

Now Janus has a better option waiting for him.

And Remus has spent three days waiting for him to leave.

Look, he gets it. Janus wouldn’t want to nope out right away. He probably feels bad for Remus, wants to get everything sorted before he leaves for good. Maybe, Remus dares to hope, he’ll miss Remus. Just a little bit.

Because Remus will miss Janus. He will. It hurts like hell to even imagine life without the sassy snake by his side. He’ll have to learn to cook dinner, for starters. Probably end up just eating a million Pockies and human hands. Not healthy, but Remus can look however he wants, so it’s fine. And he can’t die.

No, it’s the little things that he’ll miss. Janus’ snicker whenever Remus makes a particularly dirty joke. The way their shoulders bump when they watch horror movies together. The way Janus nods along as Remus rants about whatever, hardly listening but still trying to look respectful. The way Janus hugs him with all six arms and lets Remus curl up against his chest and be safe.

He’ll miss all that. But this is a huge opportunity for Janus! Remus wants his friend to be happy, even if Janus doesn’t care about him.

He’s not selfish enough to force Janus to stay.

Maybe he’s on the wrong side of the Mindscape if he’s trying to be selfless.

Well, he can’t say he hasn’t considered it--lock Janus in a closet so he’ll never leave. He thought about it with Virgil, too. But Janus would escape and Virgil would escape, and they’d be mad, and then there’d be no chance of them ever even saying hi to him again.

Well, Virgil didn’t anyway. So maybe Remus has nothing to lose.

Still. The thought of keeping Janus there against his will makes Remus feel weirdly icky. Is this what morals feel like? He suddenly has a lot of pity for Patton--they feel all twisty and guilty, like snakes in his stomach.

Remus tries his best to ignore the snakes. And the snake, the one who spends less and less time with him, who spends more and more time upstairs. The one who comes back downstairs smelling like cookies.

If he can ignore Janus, if he can get out of Janus’ way, it’ll be easier for both of them.

So he doesn’t come out for breakfast. He gets used to days without Janus, nights on his own, smashing in the skulls of thousands of enemies to fill his mind with blood and guts and murder because that’s safe and not all sappy and sickly like the feelings in his stomach.

It’s lonely. He’ll admit that. He wonders if it would be worth it to go fight his brother or torture Thomas or follow Patton around, but odds are, Janus will already be there. And he doesn’t think he can face Janus. His resolve is shaky and crumbling like an old castle, and one kind word from Janus would send it crumbling down. He’d probably end up crying, begging for Janus to stay. And maybe Janus would for Remus’ sake, and Remus would have to live with the fact that he was making Janus miserable. Or maybe Janus would look him in the eyes and say that Remus should suck it up, that no one wanted the evil twin, that he was Intrusive Thoughts and not Needy Bitch Thoughts.

That’s what Remus was. Needy. Like a dragon with its hoard. Scrambling for the last bits of happiness he could find.

Who needed happiness anyway? Who needed friendship? He had a mace and a pet octopus, he was good to go.

He was fine. Really. He summoned food in the Imagination and watched conspiracy theories to get himself to fall asleep. Everything was fine. Janus was probably packing up now, getting ready to go, probably glad to be rid of an awkward goodbye.

It was a surprise when on day three, Remus heard a knock on the door.

He considered just ignoring it. But the knocking came again, louder. He heard his name. Janus.

Why was Janus here?

Curiosity won out over logic, and Remus tossed the bleeding opossum he’d been dissecting to the side. Carefully maneuvering around piles of bones, he trotted over and opened the door.

He tried to brace himself for anything. Anger, joy, disgust.

He didn’t expect Janus to sigh in relief and hug Remus around the waist.

“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” Remus quickly extricated himself from the hug. It felt good, but Janus was leaving, so he shouldn’t let himself enjoy it. “Cat got your dick?”

“I haven’t seen you for three days!” Janus exclaimed. “Are you alright?”

Remus stared blankly at Janus. “What?”

“It’s been three days,” Janus said. That didn’t clear anything up. “Did you lose track of time in the Imagination?”

“Naw,” Remus said, because lying to Janus wasn’t a good idea. “Just got wrapped up in stuff. Why, whatcha need?”

“I needed to check on you.” Janus’ frantic worry had softened, now, replaced with concern. “Have you eaten? Is everything alright?”

“I’ve eaten, duh,” Remus said, carefully avoiding the second question. “What’s the big deal here? Where’s the fire? Do you need me to kick Thomas in the ass?”

“There’s nothing wrong,” Janus said slowly. “At least in that regard, but--”

“Then I don’t see why you need me!” Remus laughed. “Look, it’s wonderful to see you, but I’ve got some very important things to dissect so if you could let me go that would be ve-ry-nice, thank you!”

“Wait.” Janus reached forward and grabbed Remus’ arm. Remus could easily fight Janus off, he was a real twink, but Remus found himself rooted to the spot. “I want to know what happened.”

“What?” Remus laughed again, ignoring how brittle it sounded. “Nothing happened!”

Janus gave him a long look. “Go ahead, keep lying, it’s not like I can taste them or anything.”

“Whatever.” Remus folded his arms. “I’m in a mood to smash some skulls. You volunteering yours?”

If this were anyone else, they would have left. Janus stood his ground. “I want to talk to you.”

“Why?”

“Because--” Janus threw up his hands. “Because I’m worried about you, you idiot! You disappeared with no warning! What am I supposed to do with that information, keep going about my business as usual? I wanted to make sure you weren’t hurt or dead, and now you’re clearly lying to me, so I want to make sure that mentally, you’re okay.”

Remus laughed. “I’m Intrusive Thoughts, Jan, I think it’s against my job description to be mentally okay.”

“Be that as it may.” Janus’ eyes were painfully soft. “I’m worried, Remus. If I'm the cause you can talk to someone else, maybe Patton--”

“Hold on, hold on!” Remus frowned. “If you’re the cause?”

“I mean...” Janus suddenly developed an interest in his gloves. “There are so many other people around that could have upset you, you know.”

“You didn’t--” Remus stopped himself before a lie could escape.

“I did,” Janus said, his mouth falling open. “Remus, I’m sorry, whatever it is--”

And Remus understood now. Janus had searched him out because he felt guilty, and maybe he didn’t want Remus dead. If Remus was hurt, after all, Thomas would probably be affected. And now Janus felt even more guilty and maybe he’d try and stick around for Remus’ sake, but Remus couldn’t reassure Janus that it wasn’t his fault because technically it was and Janus could sense lies.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“I’m sorry,” Janus repeated, the words forced but genuine.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Remus said with a wave of his hand. Truth.

“I must have done something,” Janus said, eyes narrowed.

“You’re not doing it on purpose.” Truth.

“If it’s hurting you,” Janus said, “I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s hurting me.” Truth.

So why did Janus’ eyes flash?

“Of course it matters,” Janus snapped. “Why would you even say that?”

Remus shrugged. “I’m bored. Can I leave now?”

“No!” Janus seemed to regret raising his voice as soon as he did. “Remus, please just talk to me.”

“I’m not one for talking,” Remus said with a grin. “Try something more hands-on.”

“Holy shit.” Janus rolled his eyes. “I’m trying to reach out and you’re being insufferable.”

“That’s me!” Remus wiggled his hips. “Dunno what you expected, JanJan!”

“Look.” Janus looked Remus in the face. “Please just say, no tricks or sexual innuendos, that you are alright.”

“I’m...alright?”

Janus’ lips tightened. “You were lying.”

Remus froze. “Oh.”

He was? He wasn’t alright? He thought he was. Well, maybe he wasn’t. He was sad. But he was okay with this. He’d come to terms with it. Right?

Janus was saying his name. Remus realized he’d zoned out. Quickly he pasted a too-wide smile on his face. “What were you saying?”

Janus’ eyebrows drew together. “Remus, do you want to come into the kitchen? I can make us food and we can talk this out, or--”

“Why bother?” Remus blurted out without thinking.

Janus reeled back like he’d been slapped. “What?”

“Nothing!” Remus immediately clarified. “It was nothing, don’t worry about it--”

“What did you mean.” Janus’ face was getting scary intense. “Tell me.”

“Look.” Remus raised his hands. “It’s not a big deal, if you knew what the problem was you’d agree, you don’t have to worry or anything.”

“Well, what’s the problem?”

“Not a big one!”

“I hate this.” Janus closed his eyes. “We could go in circles forever, or you could actually tell me what’s on your mind. You’ve never hesitated before,” he added, “of course this is the one time you have an ounce of self-control.”

Remus flinched. He couldn’t help it.

Janus’ eyes widened slightly. “Re?” he asked, using the nickname Remus hadn’t heard since they were kids.

“Leave me alone,” Remus choked out, reaching for the doorknob.

“Remus, wait--”

“Leave me alone!” Remus yelled. “Stop fucking drawing it out and just leave! I know you want to, I get it, leave already before you drive me insane!”

"Remus,” Janus said slowly, “what are you saying?”

“I know you want to,” Remus said, his voice cracking. “Just--just leave, okay? Go make friends with the others. Make up with Virgil. I’m fine on my own. I am! I’m--I’m fine.”

He knew Janus could taste the lies in the air, that hugged Remus’ throat and burned in his eyes. But he couldn’t bring himself to care. They were the last things that gave him comfort, the last ragged bits of protection against the world, against the contemptuous look Janus would clearly give him, finally realizing that there wasn’t a problem, it was just Remus being stupid and needy again--

“You think I’m going to leave?” Janus whispered. Why was he drawing it out? Just to torture Remus? Remus liked torture but not like this, not all scratchy and achey.

“Yeah, duh.” Remus shrugged, swiping at his eyes. “Don’t blame you. ‘S better up there. No me.”

He risked a glance at Janus, bracing for a glare of anger. Instead, he got Janus standing there, his mouth open, looking absolutely gutted.

What?

“Who told you I was leaving?” Janus asked.

“No one.”

“Good.” Janus stepped forward. “Because I’m not.”

Remus tried to piece together that sentence. “Huh?”

“I’m not leaving,” Janus repeated. “I would never even think of that. Why on earth would you think I would? You wouldn’t last a day without me taking care of you.”

“I lasted three,” Remus pointed out. “A-and it’s okay. You don’t have to f-force yourself to stay for my sake. I’m okay with it.”

“Well, I’m not!” Janus exclaimed. “Remus, you’re my best friend! I couldn’t just leave you behind!”

“You don’t have to feel guilty, I get it--”

“This is not guilt.” Janus stared into Remus’ eyes. “This is love. I love you, you are my best friend, and you are stuck with me until the end of time. Will things change now that Patton has finally seen sense? Yes. But if I ever do end up going upstairs?” Janus smiled. “I’m taking you with me.”

“Really?” Remus whispered. “But they hate me.”

“Too bad.” Janus cupped a hand around his mouth and glanced around. “Don’t tell anyone, but they have terrible taste.”

Remus giggled, and Janus laughed too, and Janus laughing was the best thing in the whole entire world.

“You’re not leaving,” Remus repeated, hoping this wasn’t a dream.

“I’m not,” Janus agreed. “So stop being stupid and come help me make lunch--oof!”

Remus wrapped his arms around Janus, squeezing tightly, burying his face in Janus’ shoulder.

And Janus didn’t laugh or judge him. He just hugged back, all six arms, and waited there until Remus was ready.

Remus knew he could take all the time he needed.

Janus wouldn’t leave.

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