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#so theres no winning here. i'm mentally ill and probably not going to make it to my 18th birthday. or the end of the summer. whatever
trashpremium-moved · 3 years
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how do y'all deal with the soul-crushing guilt of existing
#i feel so much guilt and shame all the time. just for being alive.#it goes away sometimes if i'm distracted enough. I'm so easy to distract that I'll forget about the emptiness and actually be happy#but then the moment i have a second to think. the emptiness comes back and I feel so fucking guilty for being happy in the first place#and then i feel guilty for being sad. because I can't be sad. I'm not allowed to be sad. im supposed to be the one that helps everyone else#and i cant talk to anyone about it because everyone else has their own problems and I don't want to be responsible for them being sad#a friend of mine recently told me that they tried to commit a few months ago. and I feel so fucking guilty about it because I wasn't there#we had drifted apart and i wasnt there and she couldve died and I wouldnt have been able to say goodbye#i still think of her as my best friend. and Im so tired because im so alone and the things that make me happy just. don't anymore#the things that used to keep me alive now just make me feel so fucking empty. because I feel guilty for enjoying them. i know i'm annoying#i know that i talk too much. but I feel like if I enjoy anything im going to push away every single person that I like spending time with#because i know im only there to be a support friend. a background npc in everyone elses stories. and I accepted that years ago#but it still fucking hurts knowing that im never going to have anyone to talk to#and i feel so guilty for that even because what if im fucking crazy and a manipulative piece of shit and i dont deserve to have friends#theres no point in me existing at this point but the guilt keeps me alive. i dont want to be a problem by killing myself#i just want an excuse to die. i want to stop existing and for my memory to be wiped from this earth so no one feels guilty#even venting makes me feel like a piece of shit but if i dont let it out i really will die#and its paradoxical. because if anyone tries to comfort me I'll feel so guilty about them feeling like they have to reassure me#because i know they don't really mean it and only feel guilty. but no one reassuring me will make me feel so alone like i am#so theres no winning here. i'm mentally ill and probably not going to make it to my 18th birthday. or the end of the summer. whatever#vent
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