#so then i started to get full of rage- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

musubiki · 5 months

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love the idea that for big gift events like limes birthday/christmas/valentines day, lime just has a MASS of gifts from all the girls at school who like him, and then while hes opening them up mochi is RIGHT THERE getting first dibs at the stuff he doesnt want

#sometimes mochi just starts opening shit and going (ooh so cute!!) and hes like (uhhh yeah thanks for asking first sure you can have that)#the occasional moment where someone hands something to him and hes so tired he just passes it straight to mochi without even looking at it #its usually like snacks or something since no one really knows him well enough to buy him something hed actually really like #the RAGE these girls feel when one of them buys him like. a sweatshirt or hat and the next day fucking mochi is wearing it #and when they get mad hes like (What? it was too small for me. plus its mine now so i can do what i want with it)#OR mochi: haha what a coincidence i just bought the same one from [store]!! seems this style is popular!!#and its not beyond reasonable doubt so they just sit there mad #when mochi runs out of snacks but instead of buying more she thinks (ah but limes birthday is soon so that means free snack restock...)#full disclosure he tells all of them REPEATEDLY not to buy him things and warns them what will probably happen #but no one listens as usual #oscar and coco eventually sitting there too like (can i have that--) and he goes (if mochi doesnt want it you guys can have it)

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arcadequeerz · 11 months

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I just do not give a single shit about lg-bt-q disc-ourse anymore.

#Cade.Txts #sorry i jsut do not care.#i dont give a fuck about what flag someone does or doesn't use #i dont care about what people call themselves. stop trying to decide shit for othrr people #shut up and fuck off n leave people alone. u dont havr to 'understand' to be respectful #Idc if people use the blue 'gay' flag who cares. use whatever flag u want.#shut the fuck up about mspec gay people we're doing nothing wrong n if i have someone try n start #some shit w me about how i personally identify i will maul them through the god damn internet. shut up.#eat shit. i dont owe a explanation to u about why i'm abro ply gay n if u demand me to explain #im going to tell you to fuck off.#who the fuck cares what people call themselves. u might not like being called queer or whatever n thats cool #but some people do and thats nit a fucking slight aganst u.#and i say 'you' as just in general i guess. this isn't pointed at a specific person.#i dread pride month every year because people r going to throw some shitfit about something snd i jsut #i dont care. can we care about shit that fucking matters instead.#if u legimately call urself a exclusionist in 2023 your a shitstain and do nothing for the community.#grow the fuck up or get the fuck off the internet.#sorry i saw shit n i got mad lol. i'm so tired of peoples bullshit. worry about shit tht matters n not #how someone else identifies or what someone calls themselves- or what flag someone uses.#i'm just going to be unabashedly full of rage now.#i'm queer n trans n im pissed the end.

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ursamajori · 2 years

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[id: a picture of the “full of milk” cat meme, the cat is edited to look like kurapika from hunter x hunter. his eyes are red and he is angry. there is an arrow pointing to him that says “full of rage”. end id]

so i’ve been reading hxh recently. pretty good stuff

#hunter x hunter #hxh #kurapika #kurapika kurta #image described #i’m on ch 51 started last night so i’m getting through quickly enough #love this guy.#also when tagging hunter x hunter like once i put the x in a ship for a certain owl character and someone Gross came up #so now IM full of rage!#FORGOT TO TAG HIS FULL NAME THATLL PROBABLY HELP #no fuck it okay this is art #astrophel art #starspeak

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stardusted-bookworm · 6 months

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It ain't the being alone.

She'd been alone all her life. Had grown comfortable with it. Had known loneliness like an old friend. Had known. For never had loneliness wounded her the way it did now. She now knows that loneliness had left her long ago and had not been her companion since he walked into her life.

It ain't the empty home, baby.

She looks around at the house they'd called home. She is haunted by a memory. A memory of the rafters being filled with laughter and joy as he waltzed her around their dining room. A memory of the smell of spiced meats and mouth-watering dishes. Memories of endless hours of talking, of enjoying each others' companies as the fire crackled and the rain poured down outside.

These memories fade, leaving her in the cold, desolate house she had built for them. Portraits smile at her from the walls, cruel remembrances of a time no longer present. The fire no longer crackles. The stove no longer houses their cooking. And the floors remain un-danced.

You know I'm good on my own.

As she stares at a dent in the wall, she also remembers the endless fights. Him complaining that she was always gone. Shouting that she was never around. Her yelling back that she was around. All the time. That she should be allowed her own time and space. That she shouldn't need to be so firmly attached to him at all times that they fuse into one person. They had been born separate for a reason.

She remembers the silence after that. Should've predicted what came next.

You know it's more the being unknown.

He did not speak to her again, except for short words, curt answers. He was never in the house unless it was to sleep, and somedays, he did not even return for that. He no longer remembered the secrets they had shared with smiles. He no longer cared to remember her favorites, her laugh, her song. It was as if he was methodically un-remembering her.

And oh, how her heart broke at that.

And there are some people, love, who are better unknown.

She presses a hand to her chest, surprised to see it come away clean. The pain of her heart is so acute she believes she should be bleeding.

For it was not just the un-remembering. She had found out later, after he had left for the last time, that he had found someone new. Had wooed and courted this other with as much fervor as he had her. Had made them laugh, had danced with them, had enjoyed their company as ardently as he had with her.

It was then her heart cleaved. Was rent in two. Never to be mended. To be removed completely from his memory... to be treated as if she had never existed... No, there was no coming back from that.

It would've been better if she had never met him, she thinks to herself. For the good did not outweigh the bad.

She thinks back to how often he would dismiss her. Would not share in her excitement the closer they got to the end. Was it her fault? Should she have tried harder?

No. Her resolve hardens. The blame is not hers to carry. Not when he left the way he did. Not when he abandoned her before she even knew it was over.

She stands and looks at the match burning in her hand. She lets it fall to the ground and walks out of the burning house, burning the memories of him with it.

Nothing would grow on that patch of land again. She had ensured it. Had coaxed her magic back to her after years of suppressing it to make him happy. Never again would she debase herself the way she had allowed him to debase her.

She is the most powerful witch of her age. And the world would remember her power once more.

Starting with him and his pretty new bride.

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spoonhate · 1 year

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While I was upset to learn that a lot of Mob Psycho fans don't like Ritsu's awakening arc, through reflection, I've figured out why I enjoy it so much.

Of course, I could talk about how interesting Ritsu's character is and how his breakdown, for me, was fascinating to watch, but there is a simpler reason. A more, stupid reason.

I have not only two younger brothers but three young cousins around that 13-15 year old range. Imagining any of them in Ritsu's position is so absurd and funny, every time I rewatch it, I enjoy it more and more. Comparing and contrasting them to Ritsu is pure entertainment, because yeah! Some of them would start beating up random gang members as an outlet for their frustration, that's such a teenager boy thing to do.

#cause yeah #some of my cousins are full of unearthed rage and frustration #they would start throwing hands #some of them would have that mental breakdown aspect #my family have BIG perfectionist genes #and then my youngest brother for example would probably be fine #which makes it FUNNIER to compare them #because you look at ritsu and go #bro. are u alright?#idk i just realized most of the world doesnt get go enjoy a big family #which sucks for yall #because having family members to compare to different characters is SO MUCH FUN #mob psycho #mob psycho 100 #mob psycho ritsu #mp100

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villalunae · 3 months

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my doctor literally told me i had way more platelets than normal and i was like huh thats weird. anyway time to deal with my weekly nosebleed

#personal #and then i DIDNT TELL THEM ABT IT #i am suuuuuuuuuuch an idiot why didnt i bring that up fr #i got another around 2 hours ago and fuckin. like THATS WHY. THATS WHY. MY NOSE IS FUCKED THATS WHY #why did i just realize this now i am sososososoos stupid ughh #like ohhhh you have too many platelets thats weird. its levelling out a lil tho! OH IS IT NOW #like UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. AND MY NEXT APPT IS IN 6MONTHS #legitimately i am fucking banging my head into my desk like GOD. ITS SO FRUSTRATING #anyway i only realized bc i started getting woozy and my throats like. closed up and i was like oh haha im low on blood! haha crazy #fuckin. wonder why. if i dont wake up tomorrow Theres A Reason Its Called Im Big Idiot #top ten reasons why i didnt go back n draw like i said i would thas cuz Im Dizzy Sitting Down :))))) <-full of rage GOING 2 BED

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anonprotagging · 1 year

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so those dreams where I play SV and it's incredible have been totally replaced by nightmares now where I play it and it's literally so bad that I wake up from getting mad about it and like... can I just be normal about this one thing 🫥

#tag rambling #I dreamed that the intro was really weird and gene was thrown into the plot asap which was capturing powerful legendaries that were #causing destruction all over the region and KUKUI was helping but he had KNOWN it would happen beforehand and DIDN'T TELL US which was like #like DUDE come on. anyways gene was trying to get the last one which was the strongest but then he got caught in a beam and sent to a weird #like. not afterlife type thing but like a place where all the lost people caught in the beams were held #and everyone was experiencing a range of off feelings depending on which creature had caught them in a beam like severe depression #love to the point of obsession... rage... etc. but gene was able to shake it off and start getting people to break through it #until finally he got all the legendaries to let everyone go back except they liked him so much they didn't want him to leave #finally got back to the normal world and kukui was like 'thanks you saved us :)' all out of character and the title screen came up and just #I couldn't tell if that was the whole game or just a stupid hour-long intro with NO ACTUAL POKEMON TRAINING and either way it was so #infuriating (either bc it sucked as a full game or bc it made me wait so long to even get a starter just to show some backstory or the end #of the game or something????) that I woke up mad and with a headache

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage #directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space #im just fucking. im at my saturation point #its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking #mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance #and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting #that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck #ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done #im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine #bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt #working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating #god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to #feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even #this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong #im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must #be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care #leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care #anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy #i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago #itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage #unrelated

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pantoranqira · 9 months

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Simonjess is LITERALLY soulmateism

#every day i am filled with rage that they never got together #like they literally deserve a full romance arc and years of dating (irl) before getting engaged married and having kids together #like thats how much i love them/they deserve each other #anyways i love them soooooooo much theyre everything to me actually #simonjess #the fact that there isn’t a huge insane amount of simonjess/GL 2016 posting all the time is painful to me personally #(not that i post abt it too much either ahduahwhw)#anyways. i really need to read more lantern comics so bad #ive been considering starting gl 1990 for the past few days #bc ik its SUCH a classic #however. i do think hal is boring. BUT ill likely love parallax and kyle(!!!!) so might as well #friends to lovers my beloveddddd #green lantern #green lanterns #simon baz #jessica cruz #blah

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cringefailnarwhal · 1 year

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actually I listen only to arknights ost and dmc ost. hashtag gamer girl

#DONT HOLD MY HAND THROUGH THIS PART. FULL SPEED AHEAD. I KNOW YOU NOTICED RIGHT FROM THE START HAD MY HEAD HELD HIGH SINCE IT BEGAN #ITS BEEN A LONG NIGHT AND I CAN FEEL YOUR ANGER. IN THE CITY OF LIGHT ITS SHROUDED IN THE SHADOW. TOMORROW BRINGS ANOTHER DAY OD SORROW BUT #I CANT FEEL IT ANYMORE #I NEED A HEAD I CAN HOLD UP. I NEED THE NICKEL AND IRON TO OUTWEIGH THE DESIRE BY PULLING ME DOWN (PULLING ME DOWN) BURN ME TO THE GROUND #IM NOT A PART OF YOUR GAME. STOP POURING FUEL TO MY RAGE. DONT THINK YOU'RE SO HARD TO BREAK #(COME CLOSE TO ME COME CLOSE TO ME) I FREED MYSELF FROM THIS CHAIN NOW WATCH ME RISE AND RECLAIM EVERYTHING. IM HERE TO STAY #OK grandma let's get you to bed

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some-unoriginal-fandom-trash · 2 years

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my buddy: hey, how’s your fic going?

me, furiously beating both the Halo and RvB lore and timelines with a stick: fine, why do you ask?

#midnight whispering #eventually i just gave up and starting making shit up #who gives a fuck not me #church tex and carolina are now all real boys and girls and are also siblings who's gonna stop me #tucker's sword gets an actual prophecy attached to it with forerunner implications #the meta might be a proto-gravemind who knows! NOT FUCKIGN ME!#SPARTAN CABOOSE FUCK IT!!!!#NO AI ONLY SHIELA!!!!!!#I AM FULL OF RAGE HALO WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH LORE FOR FUNNY GREEN MAN SHOOT THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

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sanguine-arena · 1 year

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scrap; misc drabbles #2

desc: during a game against the Alekov Valiant, young hotheaded Neon Knights defenseman Antonio Agnello decides he has to stand up for his goalie. despite swearing that he saw the Valiant��s player run their goalie over, Antonio’s defense partner, Bjarki, separates him from the opposing player in an attempt to calm him down from what seems to be one of his common overreactions.

cw: very mild violence mention, lots of swearing

wc: 1,266

tags: @thetruearchmagos , @hottubraccoon , @elijahrichardwrites , @jezifster , @isherwoodj (dm me if you want to be added/removed)

---

“Hey, hey, hey, hey-!”

Antonio ignored the sound of Bjarki’s calls for him or didn’t hear them at all as he took off full speed towards one of the opposing Valiant skaters. He was honed in on the much larger forward, dead set on persecuting him for the crime of taking a run at their goalie after the whistle. His strides were short but powerful nonetheless, ice easily spraying up behind him with every crank he made into it.

He didn’t take much longer to finally catch up with him, and wasted no time throwing a crosscheck into the number eight plastered on the back of his jersey. The much taller blond stumbled from the shock, not expecting the attack even a little bit- he regained his footing and turned around, his green eyes expressing confusion more than anger.

“Hey man, what the fuck? What’s your fuckin’ problem-?” “You know what you did!” Antonio snapped at him, his voice cracking towards the end. He looked up at the other, who was easily a foot taller than him, though that wasn’t a situation Antonio could say he’d never been in before. “You don’t run our fucking goalie like that! Got it?”

Antonio’s blood boiled when he laughed in his face instead of being angry back at him.

“Yeah, okay,” the other said, dismissing him altogether. “Whatever you say, kid.” “Hey! Ant, get over here-” Antonio ignored Bjarki’s calls for him once more, two handing his opponent once more before throwing his stick aside entirely. He threw it and his gloves off in one fluid motion that could only signify this wasn’t the first time he’d done this. He snagged the blond’s jersey in one fist as the taller of the two faltered again, and he pulled down on it with a certain ferocity the other couldn’t say he’d ever seen before. He stumbled over himself once more, and Antonio finally took the opportunity to pounce on him like a cat to a mouse.

The two slammed down to the ice moments later, and Antonio started slamming a flurry of punches into the other’s face. He kept going, even as the other squirmed and tried to fight back without much luck. He managed to crack Antonio in the jaw once in what seemed like pure luck, though it didn’t seem to phase the smaller of the two for too long as he continued wailing on him immediately after he’d popped it back into place enough to relieve the pain for now. He kept going even as bruises began to set in on the other’s face, and the bones in his nose started to crack and shift by themselves.

Whistles from the referees were starting to blare throughout the rink, the sound of them skating over becoming more obvious. Bjarki soon caught up to the fight, as well, and Antonio felt him tugging on the back of his jersey. The first and more gentle of the attempts didn’t get the message to stop through to him, and as such Bjarki was forced to use all of the strength that came with standing at a massive six foot eight to forcefully pull him off of the Valiant skater by his jersey’s collar. He effectively scruffed Antonio off of the other, skating away from the scene with him while the much smaller of the pair furiously squirmed and tried to kick himself away from him.

“What the fuck? I was teaching that guy a fucking lesson-” Antonio said, his tone almost an exasperated shriek as he did. “I was kicking his ass-” The officials helped the Valiant skater up and away from where he’d been attacked, escorting him to his team’s bench while Bjarki tried to reign his defense partner in a bit more. Antonio soon kicked himself free, though Bjarki would never tell him that he’d partly let him go anyway. He put himself between Antonio and any open ice that could’ve led to the Valiant bench, who were all certainly looking on to the scene that Antonio was making right about now.

“What the fuck did you do that for?” Antonio shouted up at him, even giving Bjarki as hard of a shove as he could manage in hopes of riling him up, as well.

Bjarki, eternally unfazeable, sighed softly and looked down at him with what could only be explained as half disappointment and half pity.

“He didn’t even do that on purpose.” “You don’t fucking know that-” Antonio continued his tirade, shoving him again and even teetering on the edge of angry tears. “Didn’t you see what he did? Do you even fucking pay attention?”

“Ant.” Bjarki’s tone was stern, but quiet, and he let himself skate back a couple more inches to give himself more of a buffer. “Calm down. Now. He didn’t run him on purpose.” “I- You’re so fucking stupid! You don’t ever pay attention-” Antonio stumbled over his words, shaking his head frantically to get the tears to stay in his eyes. His thoughts ran at a thousand miles an hour now, and getting anything out coherently seemed impossible. “You don’t ever want to fucking stand up for anyone! You never want to be there for us!” Bjarki couldn’t help but flinch at the accusation, but tightened his jaw and took a deep breath before he responded.

“Ant. Listen to me.” he kept the stern tone, and Antonio could feel how hard he was being stared down right now. “You need to learn to control yourself. You’re a solid defenseman, but you get so riled up and so in your head, and-” “Don’t talk down to me like that!” Antonio’s anger started to falter a bit now, and his hands shook under his gloves. His breaths grew uneven, and he could only hope that Bjarki couldn’t tell. “At least I give a shit about this team! At least one of us is going to stand up for our guys! What are you going to do?”

Antonio’s rage had completely fallen off by his last question, and soon the tears started to pour out of him. He instantly turned his gaze down to his skates, and his shaky breathing was more obvious than he’d ever wanted it to be. Bjarki soon skated closer to him, hesitating before going to wrap an arm around him in an attempt to comfort him now.

“Hey, Ant- let’s go sit, okay? It’s alright, you’re al-”

“Don’t- don’t fucking touch me.” Antonio pushed him away, and soon skated away from him entirely, only to skate towards the Neon Knights’ bench instead of towards the other bench to restart the fight. He didn’t go to restart the fight, like Bjarki had seen him do easily a thousand times before tonight and had expected him to do once more. Antonio hated how quiet he’d sounded, though the lump in his throat from how hard he was trying to hold back crying wouldn’t let him be any louder.

He reached over the bench’s door, fidgeting with the handle for a moment before it finally popped open to let him in. Antonio slammed it behind him and made his way down the tunnel and towards their locker room. Though, if Bjarki were honest, the lack of his usual effort in slamming the door concerned him and made his chest tighten up with worry more than the act of slamming the door itself.

He looked up, and saw the thousands of eyes staring directly at him, and he could’ve sworn he’d be able to hear a pin drop in the arena in that moment.

#drabbles #drabbles/scraps #wip: slaughter season #ch: antonio a.#ch: bjarki e.#this is in the same universe as slaughter season so im putting it under that tag #i accidentally developed these two the other day and made a thing about it #something about a defensive pair consisting of a 5'3 15 year old thats full of rage and a 6'8 32 year old that jsut wants to play the game #it just gets me. its just such a duo. like narratively #bjarki doesnt want to fight anyone and constantly has to pull antonio out of fights #man has never been in a fight himself and he isnt starting today

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mpathicoracle · 5 months

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(rant)

someone explain to me why job hunting is so goddamn hard

honestly just *getting* a job that'll respect me, that's suitable to my financial needs, and doesn't pay a shit wage

in VA $15/hour is not a livable wage. on average, to be able to afford a standard 2 bedroom apartment you'd have to get $26/hour. which isn't fucking possible. i fucking wish it was but it isn't

i've been out of a job for over a month now, because my interviews go so amazingly well just for them to deny me and tell me they gave the position to someone else. like damn if you're gonna fake that shit with me at least say it to my fucking face

i've applied to about 100 total jobs in the past month. about 1/8 of that i get interviewed, and then denied. or i never hear back from them again. all the other jobs either flat out tell me no or they don't say jack shit at all

i have over Six(6) full years of customer service experience, primarily in various retail and hospitality industries. i've worked a receptionist job that i really loved but couldn't stick with because the workplace was unsafe and i was severely underpaid (was only getting $12/hour).

asking for a reasonable starting pay of a MINIMUM of $18/hour for receptionist/front desk/admin assistant jobs makes the most sense. it's what those positions are worth, in my opinion, and what *i'm* worth.

but apparently that's too outlandish for places around here. i cant find any fucking remote jobs that don't require lots of experience or a fucking degree.

i've been doing DoorDash but it only limits me anywhere between 30mins to 1 1/2 hours per Dash. and bc theres so many fast foods around here it's not like that really pays much. just enough for gas, i guess, now that i'm not worrying about groceries since my parents returned from NY last week.

i was doing housekeeping the past year, bc the yr prior it was the only job next to 9 different receptionist jobs that got back to me instantly, since i had quit zero-notice from the underpaid-and-unsafe receptionist job prior. was only getting $15/hour, ended with $15.71. because that industry is severely underpaid too. the stress housekeepers have to deal with, whether in the AM shift or PM shit, is not worth that fucking pay. fuckit, if they offered to pay me more i would've stayed. but no. apparently HR was unable to comply with that option solely bc all the other hotels in the area, including the ones outside the chain i was working for, pay about the same too. which is fucking bullshit

just...

someone explain to me why getting a job is so goddamn difficult. i just need a good, healthy job that fits my needs (i'd love to do receptionist/front desk full time and long term, just not in retail and hospitality bc fuck that stress) and pays AT LEAST $18/hour in northern VA. make it fucking make sense. please. bc christ this is just getting ridiculous

#im so fed up with this bullshit #and im starting to get shit from my parents now primarily my mom bc shes a raging bitch abt it apparently #on one hand they dont know its been a full month #but i cant even pay my fucking rent to them bc i havent had an income #this is just getting so fucking stupid right now #christ on a stick #rant #vent #money issues #i wont take any less than $18 #$17 if i really have to #but anything lower is out the fucking window even if the interview goes really well and they outwardly like me a lot and want me to start #this has got me in such a shitty mood now god fucking dammit #hate this shit

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malkaviian · 1 year

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fun fact, but blade tried to pick up smoking after seeing chase doing so, but then had a medicine student moment, got worried about his health and never did it again lmao

#he's an absolute loser in case you didnt noticed. chase is everything he would like to be but fails at doing so #but hey at least he got fucked by him ig. a win! probably the biggest win he had in that sense bc hes pretty unlucky with love #and doesnt gets laid as much as he would like. he used to be a frequent 'client' of finnley #but then got embarrassed when he started to tease him about being his n1 fan so he never came back and even blocked him lmao #i promise you its ok to pay for sex if you want it buddy. anyway he was pretty content with how chase fucked him even when it hurt a little #and i mean it makes sense bc chase didnt brought any lube and just told him to suck his strap bc his saliva would be the lube. so. yeah.#he brought one of the biggest straps he had on purpose bc he wanted to actually hurt him kjsdnfjns he only focused on his own pleasure #bonus for blade trying to be the top and chase just grabbing him by the throat against a wall and telling him to stop acting pathetic #and not to even think about it<3 hes 165 cm but hes full of rage. dont test him. but as i said blade quite enjoyed it so its ok lol #he even found the 'mistreatment' attractive bc he does have a masochist side even when the sadistic one is stronger sooo #anyway this is it jkdnfjndsj cringe thoughts and cringe oc lore #oc talk #nsft

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#i dunno what i planned to do today. but it wasnt spening 8am-5.30pm weighing samples #just like i didnt plant to spend 11am-6.30pm yesterday weighing samples. but sometimes the universe doesnt let u choose #mostly i feel bad that our undergrad had to do all that time with me when she has all her class work as well and #like i dont care abt the project and ive been with it every step of the way. it was nice talking with her tho #fucking exhausting bc i talked the ENTIRE TIME bc i cant handle lulls in conversation. but ive been assured im not annoying so whatever #god. my boss asked me yesterday if id gotten to relax this last week and its like. i mean compared to the fucking month ive had? yes #but probably not by the standards of a normal person. i definitely havent been getting enough sleep #and tomorrow i habe to go in at 8 and in theory im supposed to go to a retirement party tomorrow at noon #and the guy is a rambler so who knos how long ill b there. and im already socially drained. thrn monday i should start with my other #project again. but i habe to check the machine and im just gonna have to go full on no breaks until mid may #so whej will i get a break? in theory after may 14th. so fucking frustrating #and im not mad at anyone specifically. i just hate this project and cant wait to quit and move #so now im gonna fucking draw more too earnest narut0 fanart and avoid the things i should b doing #bc im fuckine exhausted. literally i was standinf from 9.30 to 3pm with not breaks bc idk i didnt look at the time #and im not running today apparently bc im too tired and the sun is gonna set in 20min >:-[#ay ay ay. 2023 my year of hatred and rage #wah. i don't wanna drive tomorrow 😫#unrelated

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thebibliosphere · 11 months

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Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

#adhd #mental health #mental illness #trauma #imposter syndrome #sorry for the wall of eratic text #feeling jittery af #possibly hypomanic tbh #either way #aaaaaaaaah

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