hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?
hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].
but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.
it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.
and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.
the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.
an emptiness, like you said.
but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.
you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.
he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.
but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.
how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.
the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.
think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.
i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.
but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one.
wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.
as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛
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any luca/pecco thoughts??? AU or non au... maybe like marriage related lmao
thank you for asking! I am trying so hard to have pecco/luca thoughts and feelings lol. obviously like all of this is deeply inspired by all the scholars who have come before! ❤️
On the day of his wedding, Pecco lets Luca dress him.
It's weakness covered by tradition. Luca is Vale's brother; Pecco's oldest friend. He'll be the one, later, to give Pecco to Vale; to wrap rope and lace around their hands.
Pecco's throat floods wet and sick whenever he thinks about it. His arm laced into leathers so thick he won't be able to feel Luca’s hand on him. Luca saying the last words of the ceremony; binding Pecco to his brother.
Now, Luca is silent, and Pecco is standing stiff and naked next to the wash basin, his arm, his whole body, bared to Luca, to the unbearable way his hands feel, gentle and familiar.
Pecco had thought, as he lay awake last night dreading and dreaming of this, that maybe Luca wouldn't even look at him. Instead, he doesn't look away. His eyes steady and flat and heavy every time Pecco manages to meet them. His rough hands sliding slow and soft around the angle of Pecco's elbows, into the crease under his arms, down his sides, as he washes him. As he prepares him, like a gift.
They've done, together, almost everything. As a boy, Pecco spent summers in Luca's family's keep, shared rooms with him. At first, for years, they'd lay on different sides of the bed and talk until sunup, sleep half of the next day, force themselves out of bed just in time for lunch. Their bodies on a different clock to anyone else in the castle, the two of them together day and night. Pecco still thinks about it, every morning and night, in an empty bed, getting up with the sun pale and sharp.
When they got older, one night in the middle of talking, Luca reached over, and picked up one of Pecco's curls, ran it between his fingers, and then looked at him, heavy with wanting Pecco recognized easily, from how he'd been feeling all winter.
They'd spent the summer rutting together under Luca’s sheets, going on long rides deep into the woods and finding a creek or tree or patch of grass. Luca's mouth wide and hot on Pecco's neck, his hands tucked tight under half-laced leathers.
Now, it's been two years since they touched. Since Pecco's father offered Vale a dowry, and Vale got down on a knee in a courtyard, in the middle of so many people Pecco knew, but most of all Luca, a few paces behind his shoulder, so Pecco could feel but not see him.
Two years Luca had to ask his brother, if he had wanted Pecco. His dowry would come to their house either way. The alliance between their families would be strengthened either way. The whole kingdom knows Vale loves his brother, would give him anything.
And yet this is where they are; in Pecco's chambers, on a wedding day that's not theirs, like Pecco used to stupidly dream about. Luca kneeling before him and wrapping fingers around his ankles to guide his feet into his leathers. Tightening the laces from his hips to his chest with strong, steady fingers.
Pecco feels nauseous, watched, touched, unwanted. Ask, he wants to beg, pathetic, to get to hear Luca tell him no. To be sure, to hear it for real, instead of just years of not talking about it. Ask for me and he'll give me to you.
Vale is kind and handsome and the most powerful man in the kingdoms. Pecco likes him more than he ever thought he would like whatever match his father found for him. When he was young, and Vale would ride to his family's keep fresh from battle, seeking food and shelter for his men, Pecco looked up at him on his horse, and wished for something like this.
With Luca in front of him, his cool steady eyes and thick, light hair, his mind Pecco loves more than anything in the realm, Pecco can't think past wanting him.
He lets his head fall back on his neck. Luca is meticulous, thoughtful, smart. He would've asked already, if he wanted too.
So he makes himself stop thinking about that; wishing for something stupid, too-good.
He focuses on the tightness Luca works up his stomach, his chest, his neck. Lies to himself that with each tug at the laces, Luca is thinking about making it harder for Vale to undress him tonight. About keeping Pecco his for a little longer.
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The Night Security
Danny decides to tag along with Dani and travel around the world. With him now being in his late twenties he decided he could use a break from all the craziness back home, and he's been wanting to spend more time with Dani.
Dani despite it being years still looks the same, they had gone to Frostbite to make sure nothing was seriously wrong, Dani was completely healthy but it seems Vlad's messy attempts at cloning alongside her also being a halfa had made it so Dani would age a lot slower than a normal human would.
Danny until that point hadn't realized that he also looked very young for a man who was almost 30, but he could just get away with it by just saying he had a baby face.
To gain money for their travels Danny decided to start doing random jobs normally he would end up with being night security since those positions weren't very popular and always had a position open or where willing to have an extra pair of eyes on the job.
With that being said Dani and his sleep schedule were completely flipped over now being practically nocturnal. They would go out shopping or have fun while the moon was still high in the sky.
Now with that being said, he had no clue why there always was at least that one person at whatever job he would have that seemed to believe he was a vampire,
Yes a vampire, and he could brush it off if it had only happened once or twice but no! This has happened in the majority of his jobs.
And look he gets it, he only gets night jobs, he hangs out with Dani outside only when the sun is nowhere in sight, and yes both he and Dani were sensitive to the sun but that was normal for people with pale skin they would burn easily and considering that pale blue eyes tend to struggle seeing with too much sun clarity especially since they're not used to being around the sun as much as before.
See he gets all those can kinda be vampire things but they where also just very normal and common human things as well.
So yes he was out here fighting vampire allegations instead of ghost ones like when he was young.
~
" Mr.Kent sir you dropped this."
Clark turned around slightly spooked he hadn't heard the young man a moment ago, which should be impossible with his super hearing. Focusing on the man In front of him he realized that the heartbeat he was now hearing was... too slow, unhealthily so. If he had just been hearing the heartbeat he would have been sure it was from someone dying, but the man In front of him showed no struggle or weakness in spite of that.
"Sir?"
Clark snapped back into the present. "Oh! Right sorry about that, it's been a very long day usually I'm out of here long before the sun sets."
"No worries man I totally get that, I just saw that you dropped your glasses case near me and wanted to quickly return it."
"Well thank you Mr.?"
"Fenton, Danny Fenton I work the night shift here."
~
Danny doing his job
His coworkers spraying holy water to prove he's a vampire:
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check my tags for some extra ideas I had on this
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Just an Idea
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