“My Creator wanted to live forever, so that’s exactly what I gave her. I can feel her heartbeat, each breath she takes... We are one.” 

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I’m thinkin’ of doin some October Stuff again. Maybe not following a direct list or prompts or somethin, but maybe just focusing on making more spooky/angst/bad times sorta stuff? 

Uuuhhh wrote a lil blurb with this comic below!!

Harper should’ve passed years ago, but the realization that her creations would outlive her brought an odd sense of dread. Who was she without her contraptions, and what were they without her?

She wanted to continue on her work, she wanted to keep creating, but humans don’t live forever. But what if she altered herself? Took out parts of herself and replaced them with something more permanent?

With the help of PAMA, Harper’s found a way to keep her heart beating, to keep her body sustained far past her life’s expectancy, so she could keep working. But now as her body started to decay under her clothes, as she felt the skin of her fingers rot, and her legs too brittle to hold her up, she knew she couldn’t keep living in such a miserable state, but PAMA didn’t care. PAMA wanted to it’s promise. It’ll keep Harper alive, forever.

Just as she wanted.

Can I request a fic where Ivor notices Radar overworking and babys him like he does f!Jesse and the rest of the New Order when they overwork? Because if Ivor is their father/uncle figure, then he’s gotta be Radar’s grandpa/greatuncle figure.

Some people live to breathe inflowing seas of anxiety, gasping for relief that never comes, to feel thepressure of what has been and what might be and, worst, what might never happenpushing down on them, to run on the burning coals of deadlines and expectationsand the fear of having so much to do while being surrounded by people who careso much. Radar is one of these people.

He’s also a teensy bit sleepdeprived, not that he really cares about that, and it makes him a little poeticand reflective. Probably a little too much.

Radar may as well be best friendswith his stress, because it’s something that’s been with him for nearly all ofhis life, especially recently. He might not be able to rely on his body to lastas long as he would like without food, or water, or sleep, but the stress willalways be there and will always push him to do everything and anything.

It’s a constant borne of hisanxiety, or one that conveniently arrived alongside it and decided to stayforever, and it pushes him to do things every other part of his body screams athim to not do or to push off for the sake of basic care.

(The issue here is that he knowsJesse felt the same pressures, because Radar was brought on to alleviate all ofthem and also dragged Jesse away from work to have her actually take care ofherself multiple times. It’s harder to do with himself, especially becauseJesse’s everything he is and more.

It’s easier for Radar to tellJesse she deserves a break than it is for him to think the same of himself. Hisjob was to worry for her, but worrying for himself seems to just add to hisworkload.)

Not that Radar would neglectvisible items of basic care, like showers or laundry or combing his hair,because his stress likes to scream at him about those things at odd hours ofthe day and he knows hygiene is extremely important, especially if being neatmakes it so people don’t worry about him.

And if he looks overall neatwhile maybe a little disheveled on a personal level, well, he’s a leader. Theydo that.

Radar’s fairly certain he looksthe right amount of leader busy without looking like he’s running on no sleepand little food, but it’s also a good thing that he’s fairly certain no oneelse can see him as he walks down the hall, arms full of way too muchpaperwork.

He’s also walking by a giant,gorgeous window, but it’s high enough up that he gets to see far more of theoutside world than they do him.

Like all the houses safely withinthe walls, all the colorful, winding buildings and busy roads filled withmilling, busy people. Busy people all under his protection, along with theirhomes, their jobs, their friends, their animals, and everything else they careabout.

So every one of them’s countingon him, at least a little, to not only do his best but the best they expect andmore.

If this is what Jesse saw all thetime, it explains a lot.

And makes Radar acutely aware ofhow much nicer running away on adventures with an awesome pirate girlfriendwould be than having to deal with any more of this.

For all of Jesse’saccomplishments, none make him more jealous.

Except that he’d need an awesomepirate girlfriend to do the same, or a girlfriend at all because that sort ofbreak just sounds nice in general, never mind how nice a break in generalsounds right now, and Radar finds himself counting the people walking bybecause if he doesn’t figure out how to both ground and distract himself he’sgoing to lose his mind.

While he’s counting peoplewalking by and trying to figure out how in the world he’s going to find himselfa conveniently awesome pirate friend to save him, though, he’s not paying thebest attention to what or who’s ahead of him.

This is a problem because he’sstill walking and still trying to physically balance his workload.

(Mentally balancing it hasn’tworked out near as well for him so far.)

Slamming into another walkingperson helps get his attention, and Radar can’t help but be relieved that thetowering pile of work stays in his hands even as his fingers twitch, curlingtighter around the pile as his shoulders hunch.

His glasses nearly slide off ofwhere they’d been precariously sitting at the edge of his nose, and it givesRadar one more thing to take care of as he tries to compose himself.

“Jack, I didn’t…”Radar’s apology, while well-crafted to be the right amount of nervous to showthat he really is sorry without showing just how stressed he is, falls slightlyshort as he realizes he’s never seen Jack carrying so many vials, and that thereason for that might be because it’s Ivor who’s holding the thankfully corked,glowing potions. “Oh. I-Ivor. Ivor, not… I’m sorry. I didn’t see youthere.”

Well, that could’ve ended poorly.

Radar glances past the stillswaying papers and files and down at the ground by their feet. The carpet seemsentirely untouched, in the sense that neither of them dropped anything and thatno part of it seems to be smoking or burned.

His shoulders relax, and he’ssure his smile is one of his better ones if only because of that, at leastuntil he sees Ivor’s frown as he looks back up. He’s not uneasy so much asconfused, but there’s something sharp, something critical, to Ivor’s gaze thathas Radar swallow whatever other apologies he was going to give.

“…when’s the last time youslept?”

“Oh.” Radar blinks,attempting to push his glasses back up before realizing they’re already asclose to his face as they can be without the bridge uncomfortably digging intohis nose. “Oh, um… Monday, I think.”

Ivor’s gaze goes from harboringsomething sharp underneath to being nothing but sharp, intense as his voicegets closer to an exasperated growl.

As it turns out, Radar’s made atiny error in being honest.

“It is Monday.”

Radar thinks he can understandwhy he mistook Ivor for Jack at first, beyond that Jack’s been helping outaround the temple a lot too and that Radar appreciates both of their guidance.

He and Ivor have similarexpressions when they’re concerned or suspicious, and it sparks an identicalform of guilt. That look, the one Ivor has right now, is made of the same sortof worry that’s coupled with too much cunning aimed at someone who should maybebe dead at this point.

“Already?” Somethingbeyond stress begins to shriek at Radar as Ivor’s eyes narrow. He thinks itmight be self-preservation. “I mean still? Boy, it’s been a longday.”

The smile he gives is big andsloppy and not at all genuine looking, but Radar’s also carrying a stack ofpaperwork and has an awful lot to get to.

Most people would probably excusea weak smile for that, but Ivor doesn’t seem the type.

“It’s not even noon.”Radar bites back a yelp as Ivor takes a small step closer, head held high, eyesnarrowed, and shoulders set. “Pleasetell me you haven’t somehow been awake for an entire week.”

“…no?” Oh, he’s sodead. “Does passing out for a couple of minutes count as sleep?”

Rationally, Radar knows Ivorlikes jokes, and he’s heard Ivor make a couple of his own. Rationally, however,he also knows that Ivor scowling as his posture goes rigid means he’s notamused and may mean that Radar should be a little more concerned for his ownwellbeing.

“Do you have anymeetings?”

As someone who’s been carefullyconstructing nearly every part of his existence lately, from his appearance tohis words, Radar recognizes the pause before the question as the warning thatit is.

These words aren’t cold, or evensharp, but they’re measured and unnaturally even in a way Ivor’s almost neverused with him before.

It makes them their own kind ofscary.

It’s an uncommon reminder toothat Ivor has been many people before this, long before Radar met him, and thatone of those people nearly brought the world to an end.

“Not really. I just need tofinish putting away and sending off all these papers.”

“Good. My lab.” Radardoesn’t argue, but he doesn’t immediately agree either and that seems to sitabout as well with Ivor. “Now.”

Radar’s position as the Hero inResidence of Beacontown, or overworked glorified mayor, means he probablydoesn’t have to listen. Ivor’s more of a friend and someone he deeply respects,but still someone he can ignore.

Not that he wants to push theOrder’s healer to force him on medical leave or kill him.

His stress might wail about losttime and wasted opportunities as Radar follows right beside Ivor, but thedesire to live politely tells it to shut up, sending it to instead slowly hunchRadar’s shoulders as they move onto what might be his doom.

The trip to Ivor’s lab is asswift as it can be without Radar having papers blow or slip away on him, thoughthat point seems mostly moot as Ivor sets his potions down, grabs the stackfrom Radar’s hands without warning, and places it on his own desk as soon asthey enter the room.

Radar’s protest that he stillneeds to have those filed away is killed by the internal reminder that he’dlike to walk away from this in one piece, which has seemed to join his stressin bunching his shoulders up.

“I’ll have someone move these toyour desk later. Or, if you’d rather, you can do it after you wake up.” Ivordoesn’t look up from the bubbling cauldron at the fire as he points to a cot tucked intothe corner of the room, the blanket as neatly tucked as it can be onto a cotand the pillow looking fluffy in a way that’s far too tempting.

Ivor’s lab is large, everypolished counter lined with some sort of cage, or case, or selection of glowingvials.

A few even hold odd plantsRadar’s never seen before, even though he knows he was in here a few daysago.  They’re as varied in color and sizeas the number of content specimen, the cot beside and below a particularlygnarled, leafy plant that he hopes won’t strangle him as he sits down.

It’s hardly the first time Radar’sbeen here, even in a week, and still he finds it hard not to stop and stare.

The glow of potions mixessurprisingly well with the glow of the fireplace, the latter dimmed somewhat bythe slowly smoking cauldron, the inky mixture inside tinged purple and almostseeming to shine as it swirls about.

Radar’s eyelids already feelheavier and while this is his fault, he can’t help but feel a little betrayedby his own exhausted body.

Ivor seems to take the pause tomean something different.

“You may take the bed, ifyou prefer, but I have work to attend to and as I clearly can’t trust you to get the sleep you need on your own,you’ll be staying where you can rest and I can keep an eye on you.”

Radar’s grateful that Ivor takesbreaks from attempting to get the past Order members together for adventures,and even more so that he takes the breaks here and decides to still care aboutsomeone like Radar when he’s probably exhausted and wishing he was adventuringwith Harper instead. Or sleeping. They’re both experts at each.

He could never forget how amazingthis all is, or how lucky Radar himself has been.

The thing with Radar is that italmost feels like he’s been handed the world’s best set of hand-me-downs, wheresaid hand-me-downs are entirely aware of the serious overall downgrade. Jesse’sfriends are his friends, which is incredible given that many of them have beenhis idols for nearly as long as he’s been around, and while they’re allwonderfully nice and funny and understanding, he can’t help but wonder how theyfeel.

They all like Jesse getting abreak, but that doesn’t change that Radar’s hardly a good replacement forJesse. Being a leader is one thing, and he think he’s honestly doing alright,even if it means he hasn’t been eating more than the occasional snack bar orsleeping at all, but Jesse’s an even better friend.

And Radar isn’t exactly Jesse. Hehas the stress down, and the desire to help people, but doesn’t have theexperience or a wide network of friends made firsthand.

Even the friends he made whileadventuring with Jesse are still at least partly Jesse’s friends, if not moreso hers than his.

That feels ungrateful too.

He wants to prove himself, but ithardly feels like an accomplishment, to have driven himself to the brink whileLukas is out of town dealing with basic but important portal network diplomacy.It doesn’t say good things about his reliability or independence.

His awareness is also lacking,seeing as how it takes Ivor all but shoving a cold bottle into his hands forhim to realize he’s standing there.

The frosty, pitch black potion isfamiliar in a way the sparkly sludge in the cauldron isn’t, but Ivor takes careto still explain at length what getting it means as Radar uncorks it.

(The cork nearly falls to theground, but it doesn’t and by Notch that shouldn’t be an accomplishment.)

“This is not a safety net.It is a last resort that I hope you’ll never have to use again.” It’s asleeping potion, one of Ivor’s more basic, and it’s been a while since Radar’sheard Ivor talk about one so seriously. “It’s one I hope I never have toforce you to use again and one I’m sure you’ll never push yourself to having touse ever again. You may sleep here whenever you want, but you may not allowyourself to rely on this again.”

He knows plenty about potiondependencies, from the overall warning of don’tand common horror stories involving the friend of a friend of a friend’s friendwho ruined their life to actual experience with potion use and the rush theytend to give people. Even just as a guaranteed, Radar can understand the appealof being able to instantly fall asleep or even not need sleep with the use ofonly one tiny vial.

It was a struggle sometimes tonot use them to help Jesse actually rest, and Radar can also understand theconcern.

(There’s a big difference too,between Ivor spiking the hot chocolate he makes with sleeping potions afterlong days so the others will sleep well and Radar drinking a sterile, carefullycontained, pure dose of potion. The need to do it to rest not because ofnightmares but because of stress and stupidity probably also changes things abit, and no matter the reason Radar does appreciate the warning.)

“Ivor, I’ve used potionsbefore. You can trust me.” Ivor takes the smile and meant to be moreencouraging than they are words the way Radar takes cough medicine, and Ivor’sgrimaces are far more impressive.

“Frankly, I’m not sure Ido.”

Radar wishes he was good enoughto not flinch at the fair criticism, but he’s drawing in on himself before hecan even try to correct it, arms wrapped around his middle as he tries not tofeel horribly sick. There’s a moment’s pause before Ivor sighs, resting a handon Radar’s shoulder.

“That was… poorly worded.I trust you as a leader and as a competent individual, but I’m concerned foryour health. Such little sleep under such pressure isn’t healthy, and I can’timagine you’ve been doing a much better job with eating. Your body will starthurting you if you don’t eat, and if you’re injured… I don’t want to risk it.A healing potion does a dead person no good.”

Radar isn’t sure what to say tothat, so he doesn’t. His head stays low and he tries his best not to breathetoo deep or too quickly as his eyes burn.

He hates drowning in silences ofhis own making.

Ivor squeezes his shoulder gentlybefore letting go, his voice softer as he crouches to look Radar in the eye.

“You’re intelligent,compassionate, and as dependable a leader as Jesse. You’re also your own person,with your own needs.” Ivor lightly prods his chest, Radar nearly swayingat the unexpected poke. “Like the need to sleep. Or eat. Don’t do thisagain, and don’t you dare take that to mean ‘don’t let me catch you again’. Foryour sake and mine, take care of yourself, or I swear there will berepercussions.”

“I will, I promise.” Ivor huffs,but Radar raising his hands in defeat gets a smile out of him. There’s a nodthat means for his own good he’d better mean it before Ivor turns back towhatever he’s working on this time. “Good night, Ivor.”

The potion goes down quickly, icyto the taste and making the world feel a little bit lighter while his bodyfeels almost too heavy with sleep it hasn’t yet gotten to move. Still, Radarcorks the bottle and sets it down gently under the cot, because broken glassand spilled potions are never fun.

Then Radar settles himself underthe blankets as he lies down, and what happens after that is either animmediate fall to sleep or the ungraceful crashing of his head onto the pillow.

Both work fine, and the tug tofinally sleep is aided well by the soft chittering of secure creatures, thebubbling of elixirs, and the knowledge that Ivor would probably bite the headoff of anyone who’d want to force Radar awake to work more, Radar included.

MCSM S2 E4 Commentary

Wow I have forgotten what this episode even was about. *whispers* I actually never finished watching a playthrough so I guess I'll see some knew stuff. Heh. I'm scared. I managed to get changed, get my food, update my tumblr, and this thing is only 55% complete. HOW LONG IS THIS EPISODE? 

Quite funny that I've already said this much stuff and the episode hasn't even completed downloading. I wonder who actually ever reads this? Sorry about not writing my commentary for the last episode. I just didn't want to stop the episode every three seconds to write. Speaking of that, I might just paused every ten minutes to write. Huh. Thank god it's at 83%. I'm worried. This soundtrack, oml. It's finally done downloading. See you on the other side. Is Radar the narrator now? Admin, Admin, let me like you. I want more Warden interactions. Oh look at this awful frame rate- that's my fault Wait I forgot that I gave in and became a guard. Nurm, I love you. Warden didn't deserve to die. This lighting tho. 10/10. Radar, if you're trying to make me feel bad, it's not working. Nurmie-hurmie, I could never leave you behind, dear. Please don't hurt Xara, telltale. That facial expression. NGHHH FEELS. *singing* Holy shiet. Radar you better be careful because I won't hesitate. Nurm can I hug you? I feel like if that was actual minecraft logic, that jump would've killed us. ITS H I M I love this music, reminds me of some old western but.. dorky. Baby zombie. Tag urself, I'm Xara. NURM. Don't cry.. Let me wipe the tears away, you poor soul. Nghh Jack and Nurm are a perfect couple. If something happens to EITHER of them, I'm gonna throw some hands. You sure that isn't just a carpet..? I haven't played minecraft in like three years so.. Poor Xara. Wtf is wrong with you guys?! Um... NO I DO CARE!! Can I lay down next to you? Well.. Bye? OH NO I SUCK AT FIGHTING. Oh my gosh, this is the first time I survived in one try. Yees. R A D A R. I swear to Persson... Hm. NGHHHH I'm only going to do this because if I don't, Nurm is gonna cry. And I refuse to let. Nurm. Cry. Argh. You're all ungrateful swines. Who is that? Hm. I want to draw her. OH shoot my iPad is at 5% power. "1 night in Fred's house"? That sounds extremely CONVENIENT. Hello, Binta. You look... Nice. *cough* Everyone here seems.. Off. Oh hi Kent. Bye Kent. Gonna just... Slowly walk away. Lapis blue..? *cackles because you must know by now* Wow, good job, Jesse. You just ruined the moment. Can't wait for that to be a running gag no one will stop talking about for two weeks. *sigh* I can't stop thinking about Star Wars right now... Ngh.. F o c u s. Wow I'm actually really proud of this. Oh look, I won. Well now I feel bad. Me and my darn feelings.. WAIT THEY WERE PRETTY CAN I- Argh. I don't like these people. <<nothing much until the Ivor fight because there wasn't much to say>> Doodle doodle doo everything is nice and calm POTION. NGHHHH!!! Oh shiet I don't have a sword. I have a feeling I know who it is <<well of course I do>> Welp, honey, If you gotta kill me, at least I'll know my favorite character of all time did it to me. Hope this stains your conscious, Ivor. Ivor, my love, you're back! <<me the first time I saw him, YES. OH MY GOD. YES. YES!!! HES BACK! HES BACK! ARGHHHH! HES BACK! AHAAAA!>> My sweet alchemist, let me hug you on behalf of my friend and just because I love you so very much. I totally wasn't writing fanfiction about you two hours ago :,)) AGHHH. Ivor, can I just hug you for the rest of eternity? Oh my god I think I'm going to start crying. He looks... Slightly off... CAN YOU HEAR THAT? THOSE CHORDS!!! Those are IVOR'S theme. ACK I love him. Oh wait yeh, ninja, I have questions... Shiet, Ivor. You punched a forest worth of trees? Add that to my scar-headcanon-list. I can't believe they made Ivor the karate kid When his voice gets really deep and husky oh my lord... You know who I'm thinking of.. *looks at you Zoe* Can I hug you? Sweet old man I love you. Harper? Where IS Harper? *hack* where is Soren also? Mmmmm I'm getting all these good vibes now I gotta drop some stuff in the Ivor askbox once I'm done. Darn I wanted the old order to come back :( If Ivor.. shows some type of question of authority towards the admin... Oh my.. "Disappear", hm? Wait.. Okay Ivor's voice ;v; What if Ivor actually killed Jesse? I'd like to read a fic about THAT. Ivor is whispering, I can hug him, he's being witty! everything I could ever want is happening. Ivor's voice lines are my Christmas present. I love you, Ivor. Oh my gosh he looks so short next to Petra. NO DONT GO. Actually. Wait. DO go, If the admin suspects anything of you or even dares to TOUCH you, I will lose my god dang  m i n d Ivor Ivor Ivor. Farewell, my beloved... Okay I'm sorry you all had to see that. I thought I had hallucinated ninja Ivor at first tbh. Well now what? I don't even really wanna play after that.. Argh, I gotta finish this or else I won't be able to play the new episode tomorrow. Stay strong, Lapis. Weren't these two people based off of the great British baking show hosts? I love that show. And now I'm craving cake. Ugh I don't wanna fight in there, don't you know that I suck at fighting? Argh. I wanna read some fic now. Horrifying, hm? I know exactly what I'm gonna do... Okay well that was definitely PG-13 We're gonna forget that ever happened. Heh. *coughs* Hmm.. I'm gonna choose "please don't hit me". RADAR! PUT A SHIRT ON! You're a CHild! Well I just deleted all of the commentary after this so.. *insert distant screeching* Ooo Radar's feet I feel mildly bad about that.. LEVEL SIX HUNDRED?! Boy I don't have TIME for that! Wait WHAT?! Sweet J E S U S. AAA WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!! *panicked screaming* Aaaaaand now I'm dead. Darn. Okay... Oh my gosh that golemn death scene! I smell some foreshadowing.. Romeo.. Death by water? I should keep my mouth shut. That was sick, man. There's MORE?! That's it, I want this to END. Wow that attention to detail.. Me and my darn Romeo-loving-heart. There has to be SOME type of redemption. They could do so much with him... Tbh my friends think I'm crazy because of how I like Romeo but ARGH I like villains, okay?! "Just kids" just started playing INSIDE THE CABIN and now I wanna flip onto Romeo's bed and cry. NGHHH MY FEELS!!!!!!!!!! The music just synced up perfectly. *sigh* I relate to Petra too much.. I want to burst out crying now, this hit too close to home! Petra has never been my favorite character but I can relate to her on a spiritual level. Man I came to have a good time and now I'm feeling personally attacked. AND THIS SAD MUSIC ISN'T HELPING Potato451? Hmm Potato backwards is Otatop. Top? Ota.. Obsidian? Top? The top? Top of the world? The sky? I'm probably taking this way too outta context. OUCH. ma feels. ... Just kids. IS SHE CRYING?! OH MY GOD CAN I ALSO CRY???? Wait this is changing my story? Oh god what have I done? <<later>> Hello, Xara, darling. What exactly did she "repair"? Have a bed, forget my hypocrisy. Wait.. where did she go? FIGHTING argh. Wow I'm alive. Hey Jack. Oh yeh I was gonna go back and save his eye. ..can I do that? I hope that wouldn't corrupt my save file. Okay.. Oh no radar or Fred's people? Radar... I'll see you on the other side. I have a bad feeling about leaving him. But it's his time to shine, and I won't take it from him. The order's temple.. WHO DARES GIVE ME THESE F E E L S?! Nurm just jumped into Jack's arms, everything is going swell- *sees Beacontown* Oh fuuuuu WAIT NO DONT YOU DARE CUT OFF RIGHT NOW!!! Oh my gosh it's Jack's lament. 50% 50% on the scavenger deal, hm. 51% won? That contest was easy. 32% promised to stay with Petra 50% on giving Xara her bed 51% took Fred's friends MMM JACK YOUR BEAUTIFUL VOICE. I listen to that song everyday. LUKAS NOOOOOOO N O NOPE NOOOOOOOOOO LUKASSSSSSSSSSS ARGHHHHHGHHHHHHG I'm lucky that the next episode comes out in 22 hours, wow I'm late. Toodle loo until tomorrow, dears!