4x21 when the levee breaks

this is a long one. enjoy.

#1: sam asked dean repeatedly to be let out of the panic room so he can explain. dean said no. instead he chose to continue to keep sam locked up against his will.

time tag: 1:10

#2: “you lied to me over, and over again. i get it now” (dean to sam).

here he is acknowledging sam has a serious addiction. he doesn’t fucking care though! because instead of treating sam like an addict, he is treating him like a monster.

time tag: 1:36

#3: “strong? this is about as far away from strong as you can get. try weak. desperate. pathetic.”

.... he is an ADDICT. quick google search will tell you that you should never blame the addict, or insult them. dean has never been able to see things from other’s perspectives, and this is a perfect fucking example of that. calling your brother, who has a drug addiction, pathetic and weak....makes me sick.

time tag: 1:55

#4: “oh lilith is going to die. bobby and i will kill her, and not with you” (said to sam).

idiot. dean couldn’t even kill alastair. hell, the angels couldn’t even kill alastair. and lilith is known to be stronger. dean has lost his mind.

time tag: 2:07

#5: “congrats sammy. you just bought yourself a benchwarmer seat to the apocalypse”.

okay a couple things, 1. sam didn’t buy shit, dean is forcing him to sit this one out. and 2. dean wants to kill lilith? cool. glad we are all acknowledging that no one knows the consequences of that yet.

time tag: 2:15

#6: shuts the hatch again and leaves to just go back upstairs while sam is screaming for dean to let him out. he not only left sam to detox alone in a locked metal cage. but now he is also leaving the basement so he won’t have to hear his screams? obviously doesn’t care about sam’s wellbeing at. all. it’s so fucked up.

time tag: 2:32

#7: “no one knows how long it will take. hell, or if sam will even live through it” (bobby to dean). dean and bobby do nothing.

time tag: 5:19

#8: “so what? we sacrifice sam’s life, his soul, for the greater good?” (said to bobby, after bobby suggested letting sam help with the apocalypse)

.....bold of dean to act like he cares about sam’s life. his brother is dying downstairs, and dean chilling with bobby upstairs. cute.

time tag: 8:45

#9: sam is too ill to walk across the panic room to get a glass of water. maybe if his “loving” brother was in there with him, that wouldn’t of been a problem.

time tag: 9:47

#10: “you got ass-reamed in heaven, but it was not of import?” (said to cas)

time tag: 14:02

#11: “can he do it? kill lilith? stop the apocalypse?” (said to cas)

oh? dean also believes killing lilith will stop the apocalypse? good to know. won’t matter though, because he’s gonna pretend he didn’t come 5x01.

time tag: 14:20

#12: “we believe it’s you dean, not your brother.” (cas to dean, about killing lilith)

we all know cas was lying, angels knew dean couldn’t do shit about lilith. but the words cas uses are similar to the ones ruby says to sam. dean is being manipulated into thinking HE can kill lilith “the right way” and if sam tries to kill lilith, then he will become a “creature you would feel compelled to kill” (cas to dean). point is, if dean was fully prepared to have the angels use him to kill lilith, then shouldn’t he have understood sam sacrificing himself to kill lilith?

time tag: 14:35

#13: the way the light was hitting him made him look so ugly for a second. looked 85 at best. he deserved to look ugly. best part of the episode.

time tag: 15:40

#14: strapped sam down to the bed. now he has zero access to water, or a toilet. smart.

time tag: 19:23

#15: bobby: “if he doesn’t get what he needs soon, sam’s not gonna last much longer”

dean: ”no. i’m not giving him demon blood. i won’t do it.”

bobby: “and if he dies?”

dean: “then at least he died human!”

dean doesn’t give a flying fuck about sam as a person. he would rather let his brother die, ALONE, just so he dies “human”.....sam hasn’t been 100% human since novemeber 2nd 1983. and ever since dean found this out in 4x03, he has treated sam as less than. he can act like he cares for his brother all he wants, but it’s obvious he fucking doesn’t.

time tag: 20:50

#16: “i won’t let my brother turn into a monster” (said to bobby)

....what kind of “monster” kills demons for the greater good. what kind dean? you let me know.

time tag: 22:27

#17: both dean and bobby think ruby got sam out of the panic room. ok. dumb. but ok.

time tag: 28:07

#18: “i am on call, in my car, on my way to murder the bitch” (said to bobby, about ruby)

time tag: 28:44

#19: ruby: “i had no idea that dean would do that to you”

sam: “you and me both”

thats just....sad. to trust your brother so completely your entire life, and then for him to do that to you....its fucked.

time tag: 30:00

#20: “us finding sam? that’s got to be about getting him back, not pushing him away” (bobby to dean).

dean didn’t fucking listen to a word bobby said.

time tag: 35:52

#21: tried to murder ruby again. as far as dean knows, ruby is also trying to kill lilith for the right reasons just let everyone else. i get he’s mad about the demon blood, but that’s sam’s friend, it’s his call to make. if sam wants to continue his addiction thats HIS choice. the addiction affects dean in 0 ways. therefore, he gets no say in the matter whatsoever.

time tag: 36:32

#22: sam: “let’s just talk about this”

dean: “soon as she’s dead (ruby), we can talk all you want”

why is he giving conditions? just talk to your fucking brother.

time tag: 37:18

#23: “i just want you to be okay” (said to sam) oh? is that why you left him alone to die in an underground metal room?

time tag: 37:53

#24: “come with us, dean. we can do this together” (sam to dean)

let’s remember sam said this. because dean is gonna act like he didn’t

time tag: 38:11

#25: “demon bitch is a deal breaker”

why are there always conditions with dean? like everything always has to go his way. god forbid anyone objects.

time tag: 38:20

#26: sam: “i’m the only one that can do this dean” dean disagrees. he thinks he is.....he thinks that because the angels are manipulating him. two manipulated boys standing in a room f-i-g-h-t-i-n-g.

time tag: 38:38

#27: dean: “you’re not gonna do a single damn thing”

sam: “stop bossing me around, dean!”

time tag: 38:59

#28: sam: “my whole life, you take the wheel, you call the shots, and i trust you, because you are my brother. now, i’m asking you, for once...trust me”

dean: “no.”

so sam trusts his brother, solely because he’s his brother, yet dean won’t trust sam because???? idk he’s too tall maybe.

time tag: 39:11

#29: “it’s not something that you’re doing, it’s what you are!” (said to sam). 

proof that dean only cares if sam is human, and not who sam actually is as a person. he started treating sam differently the day he found out what azazel did to him, and he has treated him with the same apprehension and disdain ever since. 

time tag: 39:35

#30: “it means you’re a monster” (said to sam).

time tag: 39:58

#31: sam punched dean. dean fights back. based on EVERYTHING dean has done to him, i’m gonna go ahead and say that sam punching him is completely justified. now dean deciding to beat the shit out of him....not justified. sam did nothing to deserve that. he literally just made a friend without dean’s permission, and got high. none of which, affected dean.

time tag: 40:05

#32: “you walk out that door...don’t you ever come back” (said to sam)

same words john used. cute dean. like father like son

time tag: 41:46

Oh wow chickbang have gotten so big! Is anyone a troublemaker? What are their personalities like?

No one is really what I would call a troublemaker. Barring some minor squabbles here and there, just pecking order stuff, nothing serious, nothing dangerous, everyone is getting along nicely. Yay! I suppose the only one I would have considered a troublemaker at any point was GD, who I... um... don’t have anymore.

I’ll put this one behind a cut.

This was my last photo of him. GD went to a new home back in July. New home, new harem. Months of trying to manage the feather picking by the other chickens that contributed to his baldness was just not working out, plus it eventually reached a point where I could not handle the constant crowing. He crowed all day long, every hour of the day from sunup to sundown. Hearing voices would set him off -- my voice, neighbors’ voices, visitors’ voices, whatever. And in the final few weeks I had him, as he reached sexual maturity and was becoming protective of “his” flock, he took to crowing nonstop any time I was around, only settling down when I would leave them and go back inside the house.

Roosters crow to announce their presence and establish dominance. He probably saw me as competition. Maybe even a mild threat? He never attacked me, in fact he always seemed to fear me (lol), but he was really ruining my enjoyment of my own chickens. He was beautiful and interesting but the little dude had to go. And while it was hard to go through with it, to finally do it after months of thinking about it, once he was gone, to be honest, I found I didn’t really miss him 🤷‍♀️

...because the very next day after I rehomed him I got my first egg! And that began a whole new “chapter” of Chickbang’s story. Within the next week several more hens had begun laying, and by the end of the month, all seven. I suspect GD was causing them stress and slowing down their development because he matured earlier than they did and was mounting and trying to mate with them before they were ready. All in all, they seem happier and more at ease as an all-female flock, and they’re friendlier and more attentive toward me now than they were before, probably because I’ve replaced the rooster as head of the flock. I’m happy with my decision. I’m also happy I kept and raised him for as long as I did because I feel I learned a lot about the physical and behavioral characteristics of cockerels/young roosters and will be better able to identify them at an early age in the future.

As for everyone’s personalities... gonna turn to bullet points for this one.

Dae

Is now something of a lap chicken despite wanting nothing to do with me when young. All on her terms, of course.

Quacks like a duck.

Very noisy, has a big voice just like her namesake.

Her breed (Buff Orpington) tends to “go broody” (mothering instinct kicks in and she’ll want to sit on a clutch of eggs and hatch them), and in August she actually went what I call “half broody”, meaning she would spend hours on the nest and would puff up and screech at other hens when they came near, guarding “her” eggs, even though the eggs she was sitting on weren’t actually hers. She didn’t spend all day there, however, which meant she wasn’t fully broody. I got into the habit of retrieving eggs from underneath her, gently. Thankfully, she never pecked me, just made unhappy clucking noises at me for the egg thievery.

Doesn’t bully Gwisun anymore, or anyone for that matter, so that’s good!

Bae

Gets a little nutty when she needs to lay.

Runs back and forth between the nests (I now have two separate structures inside the run that contain nests for the chickens, just giving them options and trying to cut down on the crowding), is extremely indecisive and kicks up such a fuss until she finally, finally settles on a nest she deems suitable.

Wrecks the nest before laying an egg in it.

Talkative, but that’s nothing new.

The only hen who I’ve never actually seen lay an egg... what’s up with that?

Is still curious about everything but doesn’t peck me anymore so that’s good (she tore my eyelid once, thanks Bae).

Is regularly dominated by Gwisun, which is a fairly recent development. Gwisun was always bottom of the pecking order but one day decided to have it out for Bae. They started out leaping in the air and bumping chests, but it wasn’t long before Bae was submitting, squatting when Gwisun stood over her, and just plain running away when she pursued her. Gwisun still takes it upon herself to reminds Bae who’s boss from time to time, chasing her and occasionally even mounting her!

VIP

Big Momma (not actually a momma, just big... biggest of them all)

Doesn’t handle the heat well and was the first to learn that standing in pans of water helped cool her off! Smart girl.

Lays large eggs.

Is pretty chill overall, takes most things in stride, not easily bothered.

Doesn’t sit back down on her egg after laying it or otherwise hang out in the nests any longer than she needs to. Does her thing and leaves pretty quickly afterward, which is great! It means I can collect and go if I happen to be out there with them when she does the deed.

Tabi (on the left)

Head hen (I think)

Seems perpetually ill-tempered, the sounds she makes are IMO a little grumpy. Kinda whiny? IDK. I get the impression that half the time I'm with them she's giving me the stink eye.

Pecks at my hand when I try to pick up feed off the ground to give to her. As a warning? It's not especially painful.

Is very businesslike about her egg laying. Gets in, lays her egg quickly, gets out.

Rarely sings the “egg song” after laying. Is she not proud of her accomplishment?

Is extremely punctual and reliable when it comes to eggs. Lays at almost the same time every day, usually early. First in the nest, first out.

BB

Lay pretty blue-green eggs!

SHOUTS her egg song.

Is super sweet toward me. Funny, considering she was terrified of me when she was just a chick. She’ll hover nearby and stare at me quietly, and when I raise my hand, without fail, she squats submissively. Heck, all I have to do is look at her and she drops. So I pet her a lot. Why not? And she picks at my clothes gently, something hens are known to do to the feathers of roosters they like. I think she’s smitten with me lol

Is occasionally challenged by Gwisun but stands her ground.

CL

Also lays pretty blue-green eggs, but not as regularly as BB. I never really know when to expect eggs from her.

Tends to produce weak eggshells, might have a defective shell gland.

Sings the egg song often and quite loudly when other hens are laying, along with BB. Both my Easter Eggers like to flex their singing voices...

Aside from that, very aloof overall. Was friendlier as a baby but has become distant as an adult.

Not sure what else to say about her. She’s kind of... off in her own little world most of the time. She doesn’t interact much with me or the other hens.

Gwisun

Has changed the most!

Not the best picture, I know.

Egg song could be mistaken for a barking puppy, it's hilarious.

Is the best flyer in the flock. Has sailed clear over the fence a few times, meaning I had to chase her down and catch her. Since she started laying, however, has not attempted to escape again.

Surprisingly noisy... starts screeching 30 minutes to an hour before it’s time to let the chickens out in the yard each evening.

So much for Polish being a docile breed. Despite being a total pushover when she was younger, Gwisun is feisty these days. She still gets bossed around by some hens who are highest in the pecking order, such as Tabi and VIP, but she’s had enough of being bottom rung and seems to be working her way up.

Is my only white egg layer at the moment. Consistently lays 3 days on, 1 day off. We’ll see how long that lasts as the days shorten with winter’s approach.

Sick Day

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: you tell a little white lie to escape Avenging for a day, and Bucky finds out. He’s hurt and upset, until he finds out your reason why.

Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Strong Language, Making Out

Word Count: 1.5K

A/n: hi sorry if this is shit. Im tired and I have ideas but idk how to make them good.

Request: 

Would you mind doing a fic where Bucky finds out you faked a sick day to have a day off away from him and all the avenging to hang out with some old friends (one of them an old flame). A fight ensues but it ends in fluff 

MASTERLIST

~*~

“You okay, (Y/n)? You don’t look too hot,” Steve says upon seeing you walk into the kitchen.

“I feel like shit.” It’s not a total lie, what with your ability to heal or harm with your mind, you’ve given yourself a little illness.

“We’ve got an assignment though. Are you... will you be able to go?” Wanda asks gently. You shake your head, pushing your hair back to try and cool yourself down.

“The last one took a toll on my body I guess. I never get sick and my powers need time to restore.” That’s not a lie either, the last mission was brutal. With nearly everyone having an injury, you almost passed out after healing them.

“Go lie down in bed, Doll. I’ll give you a kiss before we leave.” You look up at Bucky then nod, rubbing your eyes and half-stumbling to your room.

True to his word, Bucky kisses your heated cheeks and forehead before apologizing that he couldn’t stay with you.

Waving off his apologies you let him leave, waiting for half an hour before healing yourself and hopping out of bed.

You dress quickly then leave the compound, excited to finally have a break from the heavy life of Avenging.

~*~

(Y/n)! You came!” Dean exclaims, pulling you into a tight hug. You giggle, looking up at him and then his younger brother. “Of course I did! I needed a break from anything anyway. God, it’s so good to see you guys again! I honestly never thought I’d say this, but I missed your stench.” The two men laugh, sharing a look with each other.

“Yeah, you haven't exactly smelt like some roses yourself,” Sam says while wrinkling his nose.

Did you have a history with the brothers? Yes. Dean specifically? Yes. Is that all in the past now? Yes yes yes yes yes.

“So, how about some nice juicy burgers and a couple rounds at the bar? On you, (Y/n). Of course.” You punch the elder Winchester in the arm but agree, getting into the Impala with the two brothers, quickly falling into an old pattern.

~*~

“(Y/n)? Doll? You okay in there?” Bucky asks from outside of your door. He knocks a few more times, worry filling him as you don’t answer.

“Doll, I hope you’re decent ‘cause I’m coming in!” He pushes the door open and frowns as he looks around, not seeing you anywhere.

“FRIDAY where’s (Y/n)?”

“Agent (Y/l/n) left the building two hours ago. Her phone indicates she’s at a diner ten minutes from here.” He furrows his brows. “Is she alright?” “Yes, Sir. She seems to be having a good time with two men. Sam and Dean Winchester.”

He frowns at the names and leaves your room, ready to do some research on these two strange men.

~

“So, is there anyone special in your life now, (Y/n)?” A tipsy Dean asks from across the booth. You roll your eyes but nod. “Yeah. He’s... he’s sweet. I really like him and I mean, we’re kinda getting somewhere. It started when we were sparring. I... I was doing that thing that I do, you know, where I kinda get onto their shoulders and thrust my hips to get them to fall back?” The two men nod, amusement written clear as day on their faces.

“Well I tried that, but he’s so fucking solid that it didn’t do anything and we were just kinda stuck with my fucking cunt right in his face. It was awkward cause we stayed like that for a few moments but then he helped me down and it’s just kinda been flirty since then.” Dean smiles and elbows his younger brother. “(Y/n)’s in love.” You stick your tongue out at them but don’t disagree, warmth filling you as you think about Bucky.

“Well, I think you should go for it. Tell him how much he means to you. How much you care about him. Then pop out a few babies and name ‘em after me.” You throw your napkin at him and laugh, enjoying the break from avenging.

When you get home a few hours later, your stomach drops as you enter your room.

“Did you have a good time with Sam and Dean?” Bucky asks harshly, glaring up at you from the bed.

“Yes. I did,” you reply softly, knowing there’s no point in lying to him. “Dean your ex?” You sigh and set your stuff down. “Yes. Why? Do you have a problem?” He stands up and glares at you. “Yes, I do. You faked being sick! I was so fucking worried about you (Y/n)! I couldn’t fucking believe it when I found you weren’t actually sick. And when I came home and saw you and you weren’t here... fuck I couldn’t believe it. I was panicking. I thought that you were in the hospital o-or that you got caught and taken. Fuck you scared me half to death. But no, you were out with your fucking ex-boyfriend.”

You turn and glare at him. “What’s the fucking big deal?! You’re not my boyfriend Bucky! You’re not my dad and you’re not the boss of me! I can go out with whoever I want to go out with and you can’t fucking stop me!”

He stalks towards you but you stay planted firmly in place.

“I’m not your boyfriend, no. But I thought something was happening between us. I fucking thought...” He scoffs and shakes his head, glaring at you. “I never thought you would stoop so low. You fucking led me on just to be like everyone else.” You glare up at him, grab his throat, then spin around and slam him against the wall with a strength you didn't know you had.

“You absolute oblivious fucking asshole! You wanna know what Dean and I were talking about?! You! How much I fucking like you and how I should make a fucking move! But you’re too fucking stuck in your ‘poor me’ headspace to think that maybe not everyone is out to hurt you! Maybe, just fucking maybe, someone wants to give you a chance and open up to you and love you!”

You’re panting hard and glaring at him as angry tears fill your eyes, only frustrating you further. You let go of him and turn away as the tears drop down your cheeks.

“You of all people should understand what it’s like to need a break from avenging. I thought you’d understand. But you clearly don't, so leave.”

It’s quiet for a few moments, besides your sniffling, and you can’t help the sobs that threaten to overtake your figure.

A cool hand is suddenly on your waist, pulling you back against a warm torso.

“I’m sorry (Y/n). I’m so so sorry.” You can’t contain your tears anymore. You sob softly into yourself, squeezing your eyes shut as he wraps his arms around you.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize...” He trails off and presses his lips to the top of your head as you cry out all your frustrations.

“You mean the entire world to me. When I came to check on you and found that you weren’t here... I was so afraid for you. And then I found out you were out with your ex and... I was just so consumed by jealousy that... I wasn’t thinking. And I’m sorry.”

You wipe your nose on your sleeve then turn around, looking up at him. “You hurt my feelings a lot, James.” He cups your cheeks and sighs. “I wish I could take back what I said. I was out of line and I was wrong. Forgive me?” You nod, closing your eyes as he leans down a fraction of an inch.

His warm breath hits your lips and you wait to feel the softness of his lips against yours.

It takes him a moment to build up to courage, but when he does you’re more than grateful.

His lips taste salty, from his own tears, you realize. They’re soft and gentle and slightly chapped. You can’t get enough of it.

Your hands find their way to his hair and you tug gently, gasping as he nips at your bottom lip. One of his hands finds its way to your lower back as he slips his tongue into your mouth. You can’t hold back the high-pitched whimper that leaves you at this, and Bucky chuckles softly, pulling back and looking into your eyes.

“That’s what I should've done instead of getting mad at you,” he whispers softly, his nose bumping against yours. You nod, eyes hooded as you look up at him.

“Yeah. But you didn’t. So I think that means you have to make up for it.” He raises his eyebrows then hoists you up, giving you no choice but to wrap your legs around his waist.

“Oh, I plan to.”

~*~

TAGS:

PERMANENT TAGS: @smolbeanbucky  @wildefire  @inumorph  @impalatobakerstreet  @nanna022  @mummy-woves-you  @m-a-t-91 @wtfholland  @bookgirlunicorn @beautifulwisdom2001  @deep-sea-glitter @mrhiddles-81 @iamwarrenspeace @bitchacho25 @escapetheshackles @i-know-i-can @buckyssoul @avnngrs

MARVEL: @fallenangelfangirl @look-to-the-stars-and-wish @maladaptive-ninja-returns @cliffordasparagus  @april-14-blog @potteritis

BUCKY: @chuuulip @nerd-without-a-cause @natashasnight 

WARNING DRAMA AHEAD

(Which is crazy because I try to actively have a drama free lifestyle)

So, awhile back I wrote about some issues in a friend group containing A & Em. Summary: I chatted with Em about A unintentionally making me feel shitty for FINALLY accepting my limitations & making lifestyle & wardrobe changes to reflect that. Em said she'd talk to A because if I did it, A might feel attacked & get defensive.

Day before yesterday, Em dropped by to hang, help me put together a shoerack, and go to a local costume shop that does rentals and serves all the theater departments & dance companies in a 70 mile radius. This shop is amazing, been around since I was little, almost everything is hand made with amazing care and detail, and the decor in their shop is ever changing, detailed, and super fucking cool. ANYWAY, we got on the subject of A, whom I've only seen once or twice since talking to Em about it & seemed ok both times aside from getting legit pissed that I'm better at macrame plant holders than she is. Apparently A currently thinks I dislike her or like her less or something. So I asked Em if I should gently talk to her about it and see if we can reach an understanding. She said she thought it was a good idea h really, I don't like one of my friends thinking I dislike them. So yesterday I pulled together some courage and messaged her. The following is the conversation that occured:

Me: So, I've heard that you are upset and under the impression that I don't like you anymore or like you less or something. So I'm gonna clear the air, but I'm gonna be blunt and honest with you because I'm not down for lying. K? (And let me go ahead and flat out say, I don't dislike you or like you any less)

A:I've just been feeling some reservations toward me lately. Go ahead I can take blunt.

(Spoiler: she cannot take even sugarcoated gentle level blunt)

ME: So here is the deal. My illness is eternal and is only ever going to get worse. In fact, it is constantly getting worse in small, large, and sometimes interesting & unexpected ways. Sometimes it creeps on slowly, sometimes it hits like an anvil was dropped on me. Therefore I am constantly having to adjust my lifestyle, activities, wardrobe... EVERYTHING. Very recently, I realized that I have spent the last 3 years trying to live my old life and just cope so my quality of life has been SHIT. I've finally truly accepted the shithole that is my health for what it is and have started to truly make real adjustments to my lifestyle, hobbies, wardrobe, ect. Because I will never get better and live in about 400 sq ft (at best) that means when I realize something doesn't fit my abilities or needs anymore, I get rid of it. However, I always offer those things to the kids & my friends first before donating them. But here's the thing, when I offer these things to you, I get a load of questions & comments that end up making me feel like I have failed as a person for realizing what has taken me 3 years to realize. For example: when I told you that Julia's candles were my last batch ever, there were loads of 'have you tried...' and 'I'm sure you can find a way.' I know you mean well, but if I'm giving something up, I've truly tried ever avenue to make it work within my limits and it just doesn't. Even after I quit candles in May, I kept the stuff (which took up massive space) until August because I doubted myself and was reluctant to lose another hobby. But I need to face facts and be realistic. Same with the sweater. I am drastically altering my wardrobe for whatever the upcoming season is to fit the fact that I need my cane at all times now (POCKETS) and the fact that my clothes need to be comfy enough for me to get dressed every day not just days I'm leaving the house. I've lived in PJs for the last year and a half and it's not good for my mental health. So all things that don't fit that criteria or my new altered lifestyle must go. And it's going to be a constant process because I'm constantly getting worse. The jewelry making stuff, I genuinely forgot you wanted it because honestly i don't even remember what happened yesterday, so I'm sorry. (I had jewelry making supplies that I can't use anymore due to -15 hand strength, which I gave to Em.)

A: I'm sorry that I've been putting you down and making you feel shity. That's never been my intention. If I ask a ton of questions it's not because I don't understand the severity and challenges in your daily life. I ask so many questions because I often find unconventional wacky solutions to peoples problems all the time and if I can be in the slightest bit helpful in finding a loophole or a way you might not have seen, I thought that would be better than just saying "I'm so sorry to hear that" I figured you hear that enough but idk how often you hear people actually trying to find a way. Like the sweater example, I would have been happy to take you shopping for a fun print material the made you some pockets. Outside like a cool patchwork with awesome prints, or inside like a bond detective. But you were so quick to snap at me and explain your whole situation like I am not taking you seriously. I ask because I want to hear your needs and maybe just maybe be able to help out. But if all I do is make you feel like your grandma did then I'll do you a favor and stop inviting myself over to make you feel shitty. I'm glad Emma always knows just what to say.

Now at this point, I stopped replying. I was kind of shocked at her response. Like, I expected her to explain her intentions, despite me making it clear I knew her intentions were good, because that's what people do. I expected us to discuss how things should be moving forward so I don't continue to feel like a failure. I considered maybe mentioning somewhere in there that if I want help or advice or solutions, I'll fucking ask. But I did NOT expect those last couple sentences where she basically stomped her feet and said well since this isn't going how I want, I'm not playing with you guys anymore.

After careful thought, writing & editing over a 5 hr period, I sent this (which are screenshots from my notes because typing is rough, I wanted to convey what I wanted just right, and now you have to click on them to see the full thing. I'm sorry I've failed you, the reader of this normal convo turned melodrama, in such a fashion.):

She responded at like 2 am (when I was asleep) so I saw there was a response when I woke up, but given the history of her behavior in situations like this (conveyed via Em, who has known her MUCH longer) I decided not to open it just yet, as I'd like to relax and enjoy my day. This shit stresses me out. I don't do drama and tantrums. I don't tolerate it from my teenage Spawn, much less fucking adults. I get the feeling that the response is going to be just as melodramatic & tantrum filled. If this is how she handles her intentions not aligning with the result of her actions that were driven by said intentions, then she's in for a real shock when she leaves the cuddlebox of college and enters the real world. Your boss isn't going to care about how good your intentions were when you accidentally burned down the kitchen of the bakery you work in. They will just care that you burned down their fucking business.

Welp, may as well rip off the bandaid. For you, my dear reader, to have closure I will read the response. Back in a sec.

OMG IT WAS SO MUCH MORE DRAMATIC THAN I EXPECTED.

A:I understand. And I told you where I stand. I am the type of friend that instinctually tries to help those she cares deeply about. I'm not the friend to just sit and feel bad when there's something I can do. But I have been feeling for a while now unwanted and you have confirmed it by not saying anything then, just talking about it to my former close friend, and then throwing it in my face that you have been holding on to a box cuz of me. And like the adult i am, I don't see why I should change the type of friend I am just because some one is ungrateful for it. I'll go help someone else leave their abusive boyfriend's in the middle of the night. for the people I care about I'd do anything, anything except sit and do nothing while I'm told how much worse I make things when I try and help. I will just take my good intentions elsewhere. I have had the worst year of my life but I don't remember you asking me once anyway. I wish you the best buy obviously your life is better without me and my negativity in it. I truly am sorry I hurt your feelings and I never ever wanted to. I cherished your friendship more than you'll ever know and you can ask anyone. But because I can't see myself sitting by biting my tongue around you and waking on eggshells because I clearly can't see the bounty between helpful conversion and being a cunt. Since I respect you so much I'll go ahead and remove that stupid cunt from your life so you won't be put down again.

HOOOLY SHIT. I'm not responding to that giant fucking dramatic pity party. She legit needs to grow the fuck up. Good god.

Full breakdown on how I relate look what you made me do to all the past times I've been sexually assaulted

" I don't like your little games" -When I was 11 and swimming in the public pool at the YMCA and this 30 year old man asked if he could play with me in the pool and pick me up and throw me in the water but he "had to touch me here first (he digitally raped me) ( I didnt even know what a Vagina is or does as that age) -When I was 12 and my dads best friend who lived in my house would tell my parents he would watch after me when they went out but instead forcibly touched me and made me touch him. And he would bang on my bedroom door when I was pressing up against it shut because it didn't have a lock, he would offer me to play outside with him on my trampoline just so he could be on top of me and suck in my nipples again but I screamed to leave me alone. When the guy in sophomore year of high school who I had my first real big crush on told me I could trust him so I told him all about my life and he was my first kiss but then right after, he threw me on the ground grabbed my hand and made me give him a hand job and then went around school taunting me by mocking me with my secrets I told him and told people I was a slut. And he call me during the middle of the night threatening that if I didn't send him nudes he would make worse rumors and spread them around. When the 20 year old guy who took my virginity from me raped me when I was 16 tried to email me, text me and follow me on Instagram as if time passing had changed everything. BITCH DONT TALK TO ME. When the guy who molested me outside of a bar gave me the excuse the next day that he was to drunk to know what he was doing even though I saw him get in his car and drive away and text me that night he made it home safe. IF YOURE SOBER ENOUGH TO DRIVE YOURE SOBER ENOUGH TO NOT SEXUALLY MOLEST SOMEONE WHO IS TO INTOXICATED TO STAND STRAIGHT. " I don't like your tilted stage " AKA an uneven playing field. When the guy who "had to" digitally rape me in the YMCA swimming pool knew i was to young to know what was happening to me and I was easy to listen to adults so he told me not tell anyone so I stayed quiet about it until I was 17. -When the guy who was my dads best friend knew I was a caring kid and wouldnt tell anyone so my dad wouldn't loose a friend so he took advantage of me. And when I finally told my dad and he made his friend come to the house to confront him DUDE WAS SPEAKING 100% Spanish so I couldnt know what he was saying against me. -When the guy I trusted in high school majorly taunted me outside school and was so sneaky about how he did on school grounds so he wouldnt get in trouble -When the guy who raped me at age 16 asked me if i was ready and I said "I dont know, I think I am" but he was controlling and forceful and went on top of me and I hated it and was to scared to run away or tell him to get off me. -When the guy who molested me outside the bar did it where no one could see and theres not cameras so there was no proof and he apologized the next day. "The role you made me play, of the fool, no I dont like you" All of these people made me play the delusional crazy girl whose making shit up for attention " i don't like your perfect crime, How you laugh when you lie -When I was tired of staying silent for ten years so I finally decided to report something horrible happening to me , at the age of 22 sobbing in the car feeling worthless and like nothing but a sex toy, like my feelings dont matter because all Ill ever be is my body and nothing more, I picked up the phone and called the police, they told me that because I was talking to the guy in the bar before him molesting me he probably thought I wanted it so they told me I should accept his apology. They told me that because I cant remember because I was to intoxicated to remember clearly if he forcibly grabbed my hand and put it down his pants or if I put my hands down there it doesn't even count as sexual assault. Even tho I KNO I was screaming to get out. "You said the gun was mine, isn't cool, no, I don't like you"(oh!) They always tell you to report things but then when you do they dont do anything to help "But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time, Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time" -After being denied of reporting my most recent sexual assault I was in hysterics sobbing in my car realizing that anyone can do anything they want to me and feel like such a low life and absolutely nothing and get away with it. Snot and tears were everywhere and I was messaging my friends saying I cant live like this anymore, whats the point? When Im just going to be tossed from guy to guy simply for their pleasure while they take my dignity from me, when all I get is cat called and harassed and pressured to give myself to them I lifted my head up and realize that if 22 year old erica can't get justice then 11year -16 year old Erica can, NO MATTER what those abusers say to deny it or beat around the bush they WILL go fucking down because I was a MINOR. And theyre not getting out of it with that crime "I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined" -after realizing im gonna come for blood I picked up the phone and called up the police dept and said I'm reporting a sexual assault from 10 years ago and this was at midnight when the police showed up at my house to get a written statement and proceeded to list off every other time I was sexually assaulted . To which the officer accused me of "cop shopping" BITCH YEA. Because I didn't get what I wanted from the first one. BITCH YOU RIGHT IM GONNA KEEP REPORTING IT UNTIL SOMEONE LISTENS. "I check it once, then I check it twice, oh" -Did they really sexually assault me if I didnt scream "no" and "rape" and push and shove my way out ? Yes okay ! Just gotta double check I know what happened to me before others tell me over exaggerating! "Ooh, look what you made me Look what you made me do Look what you just made me Look what you just made me Ooh, look what you made me Look what you made me do Look what you just made me Look what you just made me do" -the next morning after listing off these names to the rude police officer I slept until noon, got up in my grown up boss ass outfit, got in my red buggy and zoomed to the YMCA with my sunglasses feeling like a bad ass scene from a movie, I catwalked into the YMCA to the chorus of LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO and I said I need to see a manager and report an incident then that manager came over and I told her everything that happened in that public pool to me and she was dumb founded because they have a "no tolerance policy" "I don't like your kingdom keys, they once belonged to me, you asked me for a place, locked me out then threw a feast (WHAT?!)" -Every single one of these manipulating sexual abusers have affected me in so many ways for the rest of my life. I went to couseling in high school and my recent new Doctor , those two told me that a lot of how I act, talk and think has to do with the after affects and symptoms of being sexually abused and that a portion in my FUCKING BRAIN paused on developing and has a fog over it and cant pay attention to things and I am easily forgetful and space out way more often than the normal person. I DONT LIKE HOW THESE SICK FUCKS HAVE THE KEYS TO THE PERSON I AM TODAY. I don't like that the like psychos who molested me when I was a pre teen took something from me I never had,finding myself at such a crucial age and my confidence I had as a kid. "The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama." While I've been in the deep state of depression and feeling empty I stand there and notice how everyone else lives goes on and theyre happy mean while Im dead on the inside "But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma" -But while Im standing there feeling like everyone can just pretend like it never happened to me even when I told them , I cant help but think of the the sexual abusers getting put in jail or getting their lives taken away from them because they deserve that. "And then the world moves on, but one things for sure Maybe I got mine, but you all get yours" -Maybe for now my karma for trying to go out for fun was to be molested by a boy ll be punished for what you did. " I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me be the actress starring in your bad dreams I dont trust nobody and nobody trusts me" -when the boy in high school spread all these awful rumors about me and showed the nudes I sent him (because he threatened me) to his classes, I lost friends at school , no one wanted to talk to me and in return I was left being fearful for the rest of my life that anyone could leave me at any moment. .. " I don't trust nobody" -I turned to all the people whose ever told me " I'll be there for you if you ever need anything "but when that something i need is to tell someone about how I was sexually assaulted they tell everything except things that will actually lift my soul up and make me feel better but no one cares enough to actually check up on me after hearing a horrible traumatic thing happening to me because I don't have the energy to come to people myself every day and come forward on how low I feel. I had people tell me to "just go home" when I'd call them up sobbing in my car and ask them if I could come over for them to comfort me. I've had people literally leave me because I confronted them about only sending me a sad face or "I'm sorry" and nothing more. LIKE. MAYBE SEND ME THE CLEAN SOEECH IDK. I'm desperate to hear some words of encouragement but no people HATE confrontation So much they'll just leave me instead of owning up and offering me anything more then a sad face through a text and their sympathy. "I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams" -Im coming for revenge , I'm gonna make you pay for what you did to me so I'll be in your nightmares "I'm sorry the old Erica can't come to the phone right now, why? OH , cuz she's dead" It's been months since I was sexually assaulted last and the scared old fragile me is dead and I'm becoming this new fierce woman who protects myself. I have two open sexual assault cases open right now and I'm looking for mental health help and okay, I'm overly distracted , it's like there's this fog over my mind and I can't see or think clearly and it's affecting my every day life, I can't do well at work and when I'm in a normal conversation , and cry myself to sleep when I feel worthless. But I've found time can heal most anything. P.s Taylor I admire you so much for defending yourself during your sexual assault trial, I heard you got sassy.. I would have to... it's pretty annoying when you have to relive the incident numerous amount of times and people don't believe you so you have to say it over and over again until you just start to cry because you just want justice. My parents didn't report to the police about the guy who was my dads best friend touching me when I was 12 because they knew all the interviews and questions I would be asked and they didn't want me to relive it m, I was 12 and scared..... 10 years later I got the guts to do but only because i can't live like his anymore unneeded something to matter so i went for justice, I had a interview for a detective and police man in an office in the police station, it was video recorded and everything, they asked me about every little detail of all the 4 times he molested me, it was awful and I cried so much during the whole thing I told them how he took something away from me I never really had as a 12 year old.. my confidence and finding who I am. And saying that out loud made me cry even more but I felt like it was necessary to say so they could believe me and see how much he hurt me. They said it's going to take a long to time to be able to find the him and when they do I need to be prepared for him to deny it and if so we might go to court. I Do NOT have the money for that at all but taylor, I heard you are donating to foundations that help girls defend themselves and I might have to use that and in SO BEYOND THANKFUL. For those foundations and for you helping out. They thanked me for my time and as the detective walked me out to the the main door she said " maybe you'll be able to inspire other girls and let them know it's never to late to report it" and in that moment I felt so inspired... now I feel SO passionate about being a mental health advocate, I have my AA degree so I'll be going back to college and get my psychology degree. I'm gonna kick ass. P.s.s I'm sorry if this post triggered anyone with anything I talked about but I really wanted to let taylor know how I relate to her music P.s.s Taylor i am SO sorry for what you had to go through being sexually assaulted, it really does turn a light off on your personality and I wish I could just take all your pain away, you have been there for me through EVERYTHING and I just want to be there for you and hold your hands through every step . @taylorswift

Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

fuck it. anytime i talk to someone about this, they never take me seriously and im so sick of it. you say i can talk to you about anything that im feeling but im telling you this shit is really fucking me up and the most you can say is some shit like ‘wow sorry’ or ‘omg that’s crazy’ like i get it, sometimes you dont have shit to say but damn. or if i do start ot talk about it or something else with anyone, i get cut off because something else is more interesting or what ever you say is more interesting. this is why im always posting so much on this damn site because i cant get interrupted when im typing. this is why if i ever feel some type of way, i dont say anything until im t h i s close to killing myself because what’s the point anyway? what are you going to say to make me feel any better. what can i say to you to make you feel better. i feel like a failure of a person if i have to go to you about what i feel because now not only am i giving you my sadness and my deadweight (tainting your life, basically) but im also admitting to my own weakness and as a black young woman i cant afford to do that any more than i have in the last two years. so you know what? if this post is already too long for you then keep scrolling. otherwise, listen the fuck up because im gonna tell you how im pretty sure i have ruined my whole ass brain with some wacky shit.

*fstfwd to the part where im walking from the dorms to the track* 

at first im cool, you know? im really chilling like having a blast until suddenly i feel that like dehydrated feeling where everything gets bright af and im a little dizzy. so i take a pause on the brick wall next to the sidewalk. i think classes have just let out for the afternoon so a good amount of people are walking by me. i still feel that ‘i havent had any water all day but im gonna do this super hard workout’ feeling as im sitting on the wall. then i look at people, and theyre all looking directly back at me (in hindsight, they weren’t) but when i blink, they turn their heads in slow motion away from me. now im getting worried. so i stand up slowly and make my way further down the hill towards the track. now i only see three people....but i keep seeing the same three people. i cant feel my body at all anymore now. not in like a ‘numb’ way but more like, my being has become the air around my body instead of my body itself. im walking on a treadmill now but the treadmill is made out of the sidewalk ive been walking on. everything is passing me but ive been walking in place for what seems like centuries. the guy in the red shirt passes me a fourth time and this time i make eye contact. as i look at him, his head splits into two different heads and they start to twist around each other. i try to ignore it because i know that any sort of freak out will not end well, so i pretend it’s normal and keep walking. i’ve finally made it to the crosswalk somehow and the sun is beaming on my arms. the heat feels different. it feels more like my skin is just different where the sun is hitting it. so i look up at the sun and the sky starts turning purple. again, i act like it’s normal. the same guy who’s head just split into two is standing next to me now as the crosswalk light tells us the cross. now im walking down the hill, still on the treadmill while ‘confidently lost’ keeps playing in my earphones. i lose track of what i hear normally and what’s in the song which is why im confused when this girl (one of the only three people i kept seeing on my walk) comes up to my other shoulder. she looks like a normal student, brown hair in a ponytail with super duper green eyes. like vegetable green. i dont take my earphones out but she looks at me and says “well....this is it”. and she keeps walking in front of me. a few steps later i start thinking she means death. then i start freaking out as im processing that i died and im trapped on our campus for eternity, walking on the same treadmill forever. then i start thinking maybe im in some sort of coma and there is a world outside of the one im living in. i go along with this idea. everything starts moving slower though and it’s scaring me because i see every phase of the movements. i move my hand in front of my face and i see 10 of them go by until they turn into one. i keep doing this until the trees around the walkway start bending and twirling in my way. (anyone on the outside wouldve seen me climbing over nonexistent small fences). the song is still playing and it’s driving me crazy because i dont know if i actually hear birds chirping or not. after wrestling and climbing my way through trees, i find myself at the track. i look up and the sky is still purple but the track itself is starting to rotate. i see som many people moving at once and it’s scaring me. it’s scaring me a lot that all of these people have the ability to move so much and i dont. so i turn around and walk to the locker room. i lay down on the couch and people filter in and out. no one really questions what’s wrong with me just laying there in normal, non-athletic clothes, staring at the wall (another concern we’ll address later because at least i know if i do off myself no one will actually care) except for ashley who assumes ive been crying because my eyes are bloodshot and swollen. some friends come in and just think im ignoring them talking to me about their problems, etc. i dont say anything. so i close my eyes (at least i think i do) everything goes black, like curtains have dropped and i see little bits of things that i thought i forgot from my life literally fly by me. like super quick trailers. then four circles appear at the end of a tunnel thing that was formed by these scenes and they start spinning around themselves. im aware of everything happening within my body at this point. i can feel every drop of blood inside me. my heart is beating slower than i recall it ever beating and when it does, it’s one hard pound against my chest. the air conditioner in the locker room turns on and i can tell because it’s making every nerve stand on end and the goosebumps raising from my skin are excruciatingly painful because i can feel them rising. like the intensity of everything my body was doing was just.......too much to handle. i start thinking “wait is this death or did i already die? is this official death?” and then i black out and come to when im at my apartment door and im unlocking it. i have no idea when i got here or when i made the decision to come here but here i am. i check the time on my watch “13:42″ and then go to sleep. i wake up and it’s dark outside. i check my phone and apparently ive had an entire conversion with my coach who was concerned after seeing me walk to the gate and turn around and a few random snaps, etc. i have no idea what happened. i start questioning which reality im supposed to exist in and i start wondering if the one ive been living in all along has been a hallucination. and the other day when i experienced pretty much the same thing again, it was a bit different because this time, my realities kept changing. like when you walk from one room to another, that’s how i would feel looking from one object to another. i dont ever want to feel this again but it’s obviously had some lingering affect because every now and then ill see something in my vision that i know isnt there, i wont process things ive done until way later (like responding to my boss today at a meeting. i didnt process that i said something to her until she was responding because in my head i was like ‘why is she talking to me rn’. ill be doing my usual walks and i’ll start feeling like im on a treadmill again. i dont know if it’s an out of body thing or if that’s what dissociating really is.....idk but it’s fucking scary because it feels like my entire being keeps leaving my physical being for brief seconds. that’s my story. that’s all i have wanted to say to people who pretend to care.

Okay, well today wasn't bad. Still kind of overall stressed, but dealing with it. I have time at least, to get all this shit done, get it spaced out over and all that, so that helps. Alarm went off at 7 and I got out of bed and made it to work and made it through the rest of the file for the permanency hearing, which was more of the parents being like "we're not alcoholics we don't need treatment fuck you" all the way to getting their damn kid removed, so I write up some normal permanency hearing questions and took that and the file over to the lawyer who gave it to me to talk to him about it. I ask if they ever made a paternity finding, because there was a whole big thing about it because apparently her "dad" her whole life isn't technically her legally-presumed dad because her mother was married to someone else when she was born, but I never found a finding, and then the lawyers like "oh yeah, well dad passed away in November, something related to his alcoholism." Oh. Well. And he goes on to add the mom is basically on her death bed in the same situation. Don't need treatment my ass. This poor child. She seems like a good kid though, so hopefully we can get her get into some post-high school training if not actual college. I'll get to meet her and interview her Monday. At that point I went back to my office and created a template for permanency hearing questions that I could just tweak for individual cases since the status based questions are largely the same. Somewhere in all of this my eyes were drooping way too much again so I took another 15 minute head on desk session, I might've actually passed out for a few minutes, but when the alarm went off I freaked out for a minute because I was expecting the wrong time for some reason and thought I accidentally passed out for like two hours lol. So I was fairly glad that didn't happen. Somewhere in here I also tried to call my psychiatrist about the whole Xanax thing I was discussing last night, only to be told he's on vacation till the end of the month.....I mean, the guy definitely deserves it, he's partially retired already and probably in his 70's, and I don't want to disturb him or anything, but like, I know him and I know he would want to hear two sentences from me on this issue but I didn't want to say it was an emergency because it wasn't, and if I did they probably would've put me on with one of the other psychiatrists that are filling in for him, and I'm sorry but there's no way I'm trusting anyone else with this shit. I think I'm gonna increase it to 3 mg a day for now at least, which is still within the normal range he said I could try so it's not a big deal. Hopefully that will make finals a bit more manageable. So that was less than ideal, but oh well. All of my events are really out of order for today so idk if any of this happened in this order, but around lunchtime I went to go see my across the hall friend who's now my across the building friend, to see if she was feeling better and if she wanted to get lunch because I, like a kindergartener, left my lunch box in the fridge yesterday (I had actually packed dinner in a brown paper bag for later but I didn't want to pack two of those). So we went to the "bakery" that has super awesome pizza an I got some of their pizza with the seriously biggest slices and ate like, half a slice lol. So good though. It was nice to talk to her though, we traded crazy stories from our courthouse and the DV one, and I was just like man, I'm so glad I have people I can share these things with without them being immediately horrified and me being like "yes I know those are terribly tragic circumstances but if you hang in there for a moment the court moment was really funny!!" Lol, it's gallows humor for sure but I mean gotten let it out somehow. I vent to my brother about crazy cases too, that's helpful since talking about the law is one of the few things we can talk about and actually have a lengthy productive discussion on without it somehow devolving into him being an asshole (mostly, anyway). So there's that at least. He appreciates my stories. So back from lunch and I spent a while organizing orders into alphabetized folders for two different lawyers haha who both apologized for the shitty work but I'm like hey whatever it's all good I know I'm the intern and I'll deal with your shitty jobs if it gets me a good in here. And then I had to show my supervisor how to send in the mid-semester evaluation my field placement supervisor wanted from him (oh, and he apparently knew my FP supervisor like 15 years ago and he was her boss in this office??? I swear he was everyone's boss at some point) because he was getting so lost in computer forms and retrieving files and saving them and electronically signing forms, so I'm just sitting there showing him how to do it and he's like "ohmygosh Rachel, you're so smart!!!" and I'm like trying not to laugh because he's just so adorably funny. And then of course I got to read more of the nice things he said about me which made my heart melt once again because he's literally so nice I can't handle it and his words are always really genuine too so it's nice. And yeah. So I didn't have anywhere to rush to right after leaving the juvenile courthouse today for the first time I can remember since, the summer, since I decided no kickboxing this week because I simply don't have the emotional or physical energy for it, so I was just gonna find a Starbucks to chill in and work on my appellate brief until small group time. So I got to like, take my time leaving and my supervisor is like "Rachel what are you still doing here, you're gonna be late to class!!" and it's like 5:01 haha so funny. So then waiting for the bus I saw the PD that was on the panel we did yesterday so we of course talked about delinquency stuff, like the spring break project from last year and of course eventually got into the whole transferring to adult court thing and I mentioned the slenderman case because that's just the most horrific case of misjudgment by the system and she'd heard of it of course but didn't know the details and she was beyond horrified to hear that they're trying two severely mentally ill 12 year old children as adults and having them face 35 years in prison. Like, we literally have an entire juvenile justice system FOR PRECISELY THESE REASONS. Bypassing it ignores all the science and research and not to mention the recidivism rate which skyrockets when you try children as adults. I'll cap it there though, not gonna go into a full rant at the moment (I know I've already done it on here). I got off the one bus to catch another and had to watch it stop and drive off while I was stuck on the other side of the crosswalk which SUCKS and it was just chilly enough to be annoying out today, but then thankfully another bus came like 2 minutes later which isn't typical but I was very grateful for. So I took that to the Starbucks area, then popped into Walgreens to buy more of their caramel chocolates that Lyft driver got me hooked on (lol) except they didn't have those exact ones, so I got what's basically the same but with toffee pieces and I tried a little and they're pretty amazing. So then I went to Starbucks and got an iced white tea lemonade and tried to surreptitiously eat my sandwiches (I mean I was facing the window so I didn't have to be all that secretive about it) and start the behemoth that is gonna be finishing my appellate brief, and I pretty much immediately felt lost, but always over like the stupid stuff I could find like whether saying "don't use the party names" meant the given names or the terms plaintiff/defendant....(it's the prior, I think anyway) but I figured as some sort of game plan I would work on fixing the argument section based on the feedback I got from our prof, since that still is the substance of the brief, and then work on adding all the extra parts. Half of the edits she gave me though we're like about ordering the arguments and shit and it just pissed me off because I like the way I order my arguments, dammit, because IT MAKES SENSE, and I'm sorry if it doesn't fit your blue book standard but my boss at my actual job where I submit actual motions to actual court seems to be quite impressed with it so you can take your argument order and shove it.....(note please that that wasn't actually directed at my prof, cuz I kind of like her, and I know it's the curriculum and not her setting the standards). But that just annoyed me cuz like, real life isn't legal writing fact patterns. You're not always gonna have an analogous case and a distinguishable case, and you're gonna have to make it work. I just....I get too worked up about all of it. But I at least made some progress on preliminary efforts, so maybe, 5% done? It's a start, at least. I walked from the Starbucks to church which is like a ten minute walk and even though it was still a little chilly I haven't done any walking for the past two days and I haven't had any chance to work out this week (I likely won't go to the gym tomorrow because I have no reason to be downtown) so it's something at least, to go with my push ups (which I think may be hurting a muscle in my side, because trying any new physical activity is basically let's see how I can piss my body off this time for me). But yeah, small group was good. This was something I meant to mention quickly on my last week's recap of it, but I think I might have a teeny tiny crush on one of the guys? Like it was in my head last week but it was barely anything, then I get in there today and we start talking about the marvel tv shows and you know I can talk above superheroes all damn day haha so that was enjoyable, and then he was being like "yeah it was cool being at my cousins wedding this weekend but it's also so weird being single at a wedding" and I'm like alright, that might have been a subtle hint, lol, and of course as soon as the idea even entered my head I spent the rest of the night pretty much planning our wedding when I haven't really decided if I even like the guy yet, lol. Physically he's not like drop dead gorgeous, but he's definitely not ugly and has a certain charming quality to his appearance, so I can work with that. The rest of small group (I almost just wrote Smallville) was good too, we talked about a passage in 1 Corinthians I was familiar with about love and of course I got to opine about my deep theories on the issue about how basically the passage is indicative of the entire problem of "religion" and what the church is facing today- that is, they have all the rules, all the right answers, but without love following through all of it it's basically useless, and I feel like that's so on point for what the church is dealing with right now. Like, no. Love meets you were you are. Love is right in there with your mess. Love doesn't require you to clean up your act before you're welcomed into our church. Jesus certainly didn't require it to be let into his presence, so how dare we even try to do it? And yeah, other random deep shit like that, lol, you get the picture. Took the train to the bus as my normal and AGAIN had to run to make the bus (this was a different stop, but same bus route) and again had to bang on the door to get let in while the driver was looking so put out by it and I'm just like....calm your tits lady we're giving your company money but being here, lol. But I got home, didn't almost get run over by a car but had the weird experience of a car stopping fully at a red light, and I started crossing, and then they suddenly started driving again and blew the light by like, a mile. They didn't even come close to wear I was crossing so I was never in danger or anything, but I was like seriously, wtf man? Who does that?!? Idiots. For home and watched Powerless, which was cute of course, then Riverdale which just left me with the comment that this is the one teen drama where all the high schoolers have it together for the most part and all their parents are going batshit crazy, lol. But I enjoyed both, and that pretty much wrapped up my night. And it's late, and I get to sleep in which I'm very glad about, but still I'm tired and want to go to sleep now, so that's what I will do. Goodnight mis amigos. Happy Friday.

VALENTINE’S DAY


1: Do you have a crush at the moment? Nah.


2: Have you ever been deeply in love? Yeah, definitely.


3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in? One year.


4: Have you ever changed for someone? A couple of times. Sometimes it made me better, sometimes it made me worse.


5: How is your relationship with your ex? We don't talk.


6: Have you ever been cheated on? Yes.


7: Have you ever cheated? Nah.


8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating? No.


9: What’s the most important part of a relationship? Having fun.


10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Both have merits.


11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”? Nah. I'm not Ross.


12: How many people have you ever hooked up with? 10, if I remember right.


13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? Not ending things when my health took a swan dive.


14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? Idk man.


15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”? Nope. It basically condones pedophilia.


16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”? Nah.


17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet? Nah.


18: What do you consider a deal breaker? Smoking / drugs / too much alcohol. (Because I used to, and it's not good).


19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? When you keep looking for ways out.


20: Are you currently in a relationship? No.


21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Sometimes.


22: Do you think people should date their friends? Not really. Sometimes it's good, but if it goes wrong doing stuff with your mutual friends becomes mad difficult.


23: How many relationships have you had? A few.


24: Do you think love can last forever? I'm no judge.


25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? No.


26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? No.


27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? Choose your partner more carefully.


28: Do you think long distance relationships can work? Sometimes.


29: What do you notice first about another person? Eyes.


30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? Heterosexual.


31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? No.


32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No.


33: Do you want to get married one day? Perhaps. I see the appeal. But, at the same time, planning a wedding is insanely stressful and eats into your finances heavily. If love and finance aren't intertwining concepts, then it's an odd tradition that many see as a 'must' rather than a 'want'.


34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed? No that's stupid.


35: Could you be in a relationship without sex? Probably not. Maybe when we get old haha.


36: Are you still a virgin? Nope.


37: What’s more important: Looks or personality? Personality.


38: Do you enjoy love films? Nah.


39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? Yeah.


40: Have you ever had a valentine? Yeah.


41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”? Our personalities clicking and time flying by. It doesn't matter where we are.


42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”? Yeah.


43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends? They both hold equal footing.


44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”? Yeah.


45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? Nah.


46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”? No. But mostly because I don't believe in the friend zone. It doesn't exist. It's a term rejected people use to wallow in self pity. A girl said she had placed me in the friend zone like two years ago. She got all confused when I was completely cool with it and a month later we were together. The friend zone isn't a thing. Romance and friendship doesn't have zones. It's more like a spectrum that you can move around on.


47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite? None haha.


48: What’s your favorite love song? 'Say You Won't Let Go' - James Arthur.


49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Yeah.


50: If you’re single, why do you think you are? Because I broke up with my ex lol.


51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy? Poor.


52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships? No because each person is different and my understanding isn't yet broad enough to do so.


53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single? No.


54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)? Who cares really.


55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”? Nah.


56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship? Nah.


57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart? If someone feels genuinely suicidal the reasons that drove them there are never silly. If old people can die from Broken Heart Syndrome, I don't see why it should be any less serious for younger people that consider suicide.


58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship? I need equal power footing tbh. Sort of like how wolf packs will have two alphas at times. I need balance. Someone that won't let me boss them around all the time.


59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary? Nah.


60: What’s your opinion on open relationships? Probably won't work or function healthily.


61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family? Both.


62: How do you define “cheating”? Physical romantic interactions such as sex or kissing as well as acts of emotional cheating such as going on a date with someone else or flirting.


63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? I wouldn't say so, but I think a fair few girls would.


64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated? Yes.


65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”? Nope.

CANDICE EDIT THIS UGLY SHIT WHEN U HAVE THE FUCKING TIME

this is an ugly unedited one it has been in my drafts for like 2 months already. so whatever i just posting it. ill edit it if i have the time. thins is is i actually edited half way and MY FUCKING COMPUTER FUCKING CRASHED SO I GAVE UP  and yeahhh ill just post this ugly unedited one and ill edit it again WITH PROPER ENGLISH WHEN I HAVE THE TIME. idk i just cqnt see stuff in my drafts i just havre to post it and yewah wtf.

this unedu=ited stuff is just me writing key poiunts about my day and not like urghhhhhhh i hate this commmmmm. normally i would describe more but i dont want it in my drafts anymore so ill edit it when im free OKAYYYY.

1/3 

Hahahahahah lmao this was the date when i got tgt with K 3 years ago.(omg i still rmb, but tbh its nth special i just rmb useless stuff pretty well)  Never wanted to date a guy again even i with crushes back in sec sch. but anyways, today i went to Sentosa w/ B and he seemed to really like the artificial fiels alot but it was like in the afternoon so it was still kinda hot and yeahhhh. Like it would be much nicer at night. There will be like alot of stars and fireworks too and it will be more windy and cooling idk but it will be nicer at night and i want to spend the night w/ B there again. Oh yeah anyways ystd B bought me the batgirl lego keychain and B told me that batgirl had sex with batman and im shoooked.

2/3 and like today we planned to go to his house anddd then go to parkway parade to some lego secret chambers shop. i went out early cuz my junior wanted to pass me her lego characs but she couldnt make it so i was alr at bishan so i just went to tpy and wait for bryan o wake and meet me so i called him at 11am but he woke up and shouted at me so i just like nvmmmm so i went to the library and went window shopping around tpy and i also went popular 1pm i didnt want to call him up but i was like ugh nvm and called him.. and yay he finaally woke up wna read tuesday with morrie, all the fifty shades of grey and in grey's pov n miss peregrine's home for peculiar children but we still went to parkway parade anyays and he asked me to watch letters from iwo jima so i watched it at night and bryan wanted to watch the breakup list on toggle but it kept playing ads and it just wouldnt play the video so b got alittle pissed 3/3 logan, training (our 8th movie)

4/3 finishing crocheting my first thinggg the bear thing shoud i give it to bryan would he want it so today b was vvvv kinda excited this video thing with ck and cez and im like vvv happy for him cuz he can do smthing he rlly likes with cool n funny ffriends. also he said that he didnt want us to go public at first cuz he was afraid that ppl might tease us he said he was afraid i might be ffrustrated but tbh i was hella frustaratred i dont see the point of hiding our rship but im glad werre like opene now and so at night i went to ikea and b messaged me but i was busyt walking and i didnt recieve his msg but i didnt like lock my phone so it was read. but like it was in my pockets and like my mom doesnt allow me to play my phine whenever im walking but yeah anyways b was angry hat i didnt reply him. we sorta quarreled awhile but we were kinda okay after that i guess. wtf sia today midnight i have to distribute stuff to the homeless ppl in bugis and i was wearing a short paanyts and my mom tied this weird looking scarf i swear i look like some carzy hobo youngster wtf.

5&6/3 sneaked out of house, slept over at his house and after that i went to tpy first while he showers, ate and went home early to pack for camp stuff wna stay over at his house again it was fun we tried to watch moanna but was kinda sleepy

7/3 day 1 of camp. slept with b outised tgt

8/3 day 2 of camp (-met javier and sihui -every camps i go i get very angry -shoulder, water balloon) larn cpr and aed the skit thing worst grp ever

9/3 day 3 of camp water activities we won

10/3 tkd training

11/3

-wtf nxt week go msia (wanted to go work) -quarreled with bteh. cuz i cant go out but he wants me to go out -yyour suffering defines you without it yore a void -japan and korea with bryan -my parents -i want more lego charac -money - i cant wait for tmr for ilighhtsss i want to take like alooot pictures tgt with bryannnn styled hair -nicole choo idk why im still so insecure like i know pretty clearly that im decent looking. decent looking enough to make friends, have a job and not get ostracised in society. and well if you arent good looking enough you'll be made fun off/ostracised in society and thats how humans work. and now everywhere you see are pretty girls and how can any girls feel not insecure. Okay, i have a flat and fat nose. i want to have a sharper and thinner nose like michelle. i have pretty small boobs and i want boobs like naomi. my shoulders are too wide from playing softball, i want a smaller width shoulders like grace. my tummy isnt flat i want a flat tummy. and thing is those are pretty famous girls in like sg and im not even talking abt kim kard or emma wats or like jennifer lawr. omg i dont even know where im going with this im just literally typing all my thoughts down. okay and the boys here???? they all follow those people and im pretty sure they compare them over the normal girls in sch. omg what am i even talking abt. i feel silly even typing this out. but okay if your beauty standards doesnt reach like the norm in society you srsly wouldnt have friends. unless youre realllll rich or your sense of humor is rlly rlly great.

12/3 didnt quarrel but we  were obv upset with each other it was a fun day tho when to see i lights took alot pictures ate llaollao no money

20/3 best s ever went home after it bteh gg aunts house today

his flight will be tmr 21/22 job interview got the job bryaan in flight abt cosplay how i dont have frinds

25/03 bryan found my private twitter accnt                                    bteh tole me abt a girl he liked when he was in korea idk if anyone realised but ive got a really really really bad habit. its weird really. but its a thing ive been doing since young and i never talked to anyone about it before. so actually, when im nervous, or stressed out, or just couldnt take my mind off smthing, i would like start peeling or plucking my nails. okay many people do this but, i ahve a weirder one andddd omg i think i will regret saying this. So actually, i pluck i my hair when im nervous, stressed out or just thinking abt smthing i cant ignore. so back in primary 4 i was doing this math practice paper and i couldnt do any those 6marks big problem sums and i was fking stressed out. and well my habit of plucking my own hair started really really young. and at P4 my mom saw me crying

26 toc competition firdst fight win second fight lose how i dont wna fight nationals cuz my weight cat all got national player lose my chance to win gold cant even get silver r came today

29/ power rangers

30 wanted to go coney island with rapheal and jill and bryan but it rained so we went to lan and gamed without jill bryan pushed me and i banged into someone in the end see museums some forest thing the ligths vvv pretyy

28/hotel

31/ hotel went to work after that talk about work made bryan that key chain clp diner and dance

1/4 learn bst bts for club crawl played boomberang didnt workkk aot is out!!!!!!

2/4 today i need to go mountbatten cc to practice my poomsae my poomsae lousy i dont think i can pass at first try anyways president of stf is milan quey idk if i spelt his name properly but yeah. before that ate yellow sub with B will nvr eat there again portion is small yet expensive and food isint so nice at all but since i get to eat with b im vvvv gladdd

3/4 today i went early to B's house. after that met up with madeline and shirlyn to watch boss baby and the movie was quite nice i thought i wouldnt like it and then we ate pepper lunch and omg osaka is a vvv small place like shirlyn went evrywhere i visited like a a year ago

4/4 AND I WOKE UP WITH BTEH lose his doibok and he couldnt find it my maid threathened to take a mail for my mom cuz she lazy walk and she wants me to do it but i was late

5/4 there was demo training we played table tennis for awhile and bteh is good at it, ok maybe its just that i suck at it but yea theres was fmo so we slacked at tg until demo tng started so at night he said hes tired but idk that he wanted to sleep soon and he was like stop it and i was like stop wat but he ttly just shut me off and then i got pissed cuz i would nvr do that to him

6/4 i had to meet herman but like after meeting him timetable i realised i forget to bring my wallet somethimes im torn in beteen like just not gg out with bteh cuz i have no money to eat or spend his money again he keeps saying its okay but its really not okay im just not comfortable like someone spending so much on me i owe money so he told me his specs broke ttly

One of the things dreams do for us is prepare us for worse case scenario. The dream that is closest to reality about a loved one leaving us prepares the mind for the pain that can be inflicted upon us. It creates a probability. That means it could happen, it means it’s a fear you have, and being such your mind protects your psyche in a way to allow you to feel the emotions of the event, even though the event never occurred.

13 reasons why felt like  th main charac like back in sec sch all i wanted was just to finish my olevels and go to poly so i can be a whole new person. someone who i wanted to be withouht anyone laughing at me

1au away from sol 1au measurement unit like light or smthing sol is latin from sun porbbaly it