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dfortrafalgar · 24 days

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I'm Losing You

Having a family isn't always as easy as fairy tales make it seem.

Warnings: Read chapter 1 for warnings.

Additionally, I've been getting a lot of (understandable) messages concerned about the wellbeing of our lovely reader and Law, so I made a helpful little graph just to document the overall progression of the story and where you are so far as of this chapter :)

Do with this what you will <3

Taglist: @phsycochan | @mirillua | @augustanna | @chaixsherlock

Chapter 8

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Law’s entire world was curled up on a hospital bed, an IV fluid drip in her hand and her eyes closed tightly shut, afraid that if they opened they’d have to relive the reality of the situation all over again.

You had continued bleeding throughout the car ride to the hospital, rendering the impromptu toilet paper pad completely ineffective. Both what was left of that and your underwear were placed in a biohazard container, and you were placed in a fresh pair of hospital garments with a maxi pad that really operated similar to a diaper. The bleeding also made you incredibly weak and lightheaded, leaving Law to sprint into the emergency room, grab a wheelchair, and bring you inside that way.

When he woke up this morning, he never would’ve guessed he would be seeing you in a hospital bed in the small emergency patient room. You had showered and eaten breakfast, kissed him and pet Bepo. Now you were actively expelling what was most definitely a miscarriage.

A gentle knock resounded outside the shut door. You didn’t even move in reaction, staying inhumanly still with your eyes closed. The door opened regardless however, and Law was met with the friendly, yet somber, face of your gynecologist. Robin entered the room with a clipboard in her hand. Law recognized her instantly, not as his wife’s gynecologist, but as a former classmate in medical school. He never thought that she’d be the one taking care of this entire situation, and part of him was regretful that she had to see this side of him.

“Small world, huh?” Law asked, though his voice lacked any enthusiasm.

“Indeed it is, I was just reading the latest paper you published. I was wondering how you were doing after residency,” the woman responded.

Law huffed with a minimal bounce of his shoulders. “You could probably guess how I’m doing. But, thank you for taking the time to drive here from downtown.”

“Of course, it was oddly good timing. I have no patients at the clinic for the rest of the day.” Robin’s lips pursed all of a sudden however, as she got down to business. “I would like to talk to you privately, if that’s alright with you.”

The man’s eyes narrowed in concern. “Why privately?”

Her voice lowered to a whisper. “I’m not sure your wife is in a stable emotional state to hear what I have to say.”

With the way you hadn’t moved since you arrived, your IV drip slowly administering your fluids and a clip on your finger monitoring your pulse and oxygen levels, Law was starting to wonder if you had stressed yourself into a deep sleep. He didn’t want to wake you to find out. Instead, he quietly followed Robin out into the hallway, asking a nurse at the front desk to monitor your room for him. He followed his former colleague into a small meeting room, where she shut the door behind the two of them for complete privacy.

“Law, I know you can handle the more… gritty side of things, so I’m going to be completely blunt with you,” she began, covering her clipboard of papers with her hands. “I’m sure you’re already very aware, but your wife is currently undergoing an eight week miscarriage. Her follow-up appointment from last week was supposed to be in two days, but clearly, we were correct in the possibility that she was seven weeks along when we couldn’t detect a heartbeat.” It was then that she moved her hands, shuffling through the papers in her clipboard before producing a copy of your patient assessment and a small, enclosed envelope. “Before I begin, I would like to ask you a few questions. I was informed that you had blood work and a semen analysis done to confirm your fertility, correct?”

The non-professional side of Law felt slightly uncomfortable discussing the results of his semen analysis with his former residency colleague, but he knew this was crucial information. He nodded, folding his tattooed hands above the table. “Yes I did. My hormone panel from the blood test came back completely normal without any anomalies, and the semen analysis showed a completely normal sperm count.”

Robin nodded, opening the envelope as she listened to him speak. “Understood, so it’s safe to say you are fertile.”

“I would assume so,” he confirmed.

The black-haired woman produced a small set of photographs from the envelope. “With that confirmed for me, I would like to show you these photos from your wife’s ultrasound last week.” She laid out the small assortment of photographs, but held one down with her hand and used her pen to point out the barely-identifiable contents of the image. (Which Law was grateful for, as he admittedly had no idea what he was looking at. His brief rotation in gynecology did very little to cement the process of a uterine ultrasound.)

“This large black space is the amniotic fluid surrounding the embryo,” she described, moving the capped end of her pen around the space. “This white blotch here is the embryo at around six weeks gestation, which I theorize is when it ceased development. As you can see, it’s still attached to the wall of her uterus.” Two taps of the pen against the image punctuated her statement. “This area surrounding the amniotic fluid is the uterine tissue.” Robin looked up at Law. “Understood?”

It took a brief moment, but Law finally nodded his head. “Yes.”

Silently, she moved the first image out of the way and replaced it with another one. “Now I would like to draw your attention to this one.”

Law leaned forward in his seat, assessing the new image. It looked completely different than the first, and he quietly waited for Robin to begin to describe what exactly he was supposed to be focusing on.

“This was taken at the beginning of the ultrasound. My technician placed the transmitter on the left side of her abdomen before moving it toward the approximate location of the uterus to detect the fetus. We were able to see a glimpse of her left ovary during this time.” Once again, the pen tapped a specific area of the image.

Law’s heart rate increased. “Please don’t tell me what I think you’re about to tell me.”

Robin shook her head. “Not cancer,” she confirmed. “However, do you see this patch of tissue right here?” She circled the area.

He didn’t, really, but he nodded his head to urge her to continue.

“It can’t be confirmed without surgery, but I have a strong suspicion that this is endometrial tissue. I reviewed some of her patient notes and recalled certain appointments where she would inform me of abnormally heavy periods, but she never mentioned anything more specific, such as intense pain during menstruation, so it never seemed to affect her life outside of that. But looking at her ultrasound images, I’m highly suspicious that she may have endometriosis, which can greatly negatively impact fertility.”

Law clenched his jaw. “What kind of surgery is done to diagnose that?”

“We would confirm the diagnosis with a laparoscopy. A small cut is made in the naval, and a thin instrument, similar to a camera, is inserted into the incision to scope out potential endometrial tissue. In many circumstances, a similar laparoscopic method is used to surgically remove this endometrial tissue, however we would need a definitive diagnosis in order to perform this with confidence.” Robin was stone-faced as she explained.

Law had a million questions racing through his mind. He wished he could sit and ask all of them, but the most pressing one forced its way out of his mouth first. “Will she ever be able to have children?”

“After a successful recovery from this miscarriage, and a successful recovery from laparoscopic surgery to remove endometrial tissue, if that is the case, then yes, her chances of becoming pregnant will remain. However, women who experience at least one miscarriage have a higher likelihood of experiencing more, so you must take this into account if you decide to try for conception again.”

He nodded. “I understand.”

Robin collected her paperwork, reviewing your patient chart once more. “Other than the potential for endometriosis, her physical health is perfect. There would be no other reason to me why she wouldn’t be able to have children, other than this one big issue.”

Law stayed silent as she explained. He stood up as she did and followed her to the door, blindly keeping pace behind her as he was led back to your room. The door was pushed open slowly so as to not potentially disturb you. The nurse from prior stood from her seat, entering the hallway and quietly whispering to Law.

“She fell asleep, her vitals are good, however she should remain on fluids for a while longer. Her blood pressure was lower than normal and her iron levels were reduced,” explained the nurse, who’s own eyes were creased with a sympathetic concern.

Law gave a curt nod. “Thank you very much for staying there.”

“Of course, it’s my pleasure. Come back to our desk if you need anything,” she replied before leaving to continue her work.

Robin held her clipboard under her arm. “I’m going to return to my office and write a referral for a diagnostic laparoscopy, but I won’t make the official call until she gives me her full permission. Does that sound good?”

Law nodded, rendered completely mute.

“Call my clinic if you need anything at all. Tell them who you are, and I’ll make sure your calls get sent right to me.” Robin was about to turn on her heel, but she looked back once more at the forlorn man. “I don’t usually do that for my patients, but I know you, Law. I know how genuine you are. I can see how much you love your wife and how the both of you are eager for a successful pregnancy. I want to do everything in my power to help you achieve that.”

Law inhaled a shuddering breath. “Thank you, Robin, I… I appreciate that.”

She nodded her head, finally turning and pacing down the hallway. Law entered your room once more and closed the door behind him. He stood at the foot of your bed, following the hose from the IV bag down to where it was connected into the skin of your hand, taped in place to prevent its movement. Your face was tucked into your arms, shielding your grief from the world. The pulse monitor was moved from your index finger to your middle finger, constantly giving readings of your blood oxygen and iron count.

Law took his seat again, resting his elbows on his knees and dropping his head into his hands. He only picked his head up to look at the digital clock on the wall. It was already almost 5:00 PM. He shoved his hand in his pants pocket and took out his phone, opening his text messages.

Hey, Shachi, can you or Penguin go to my apartment and feed Bepo? If you could take him for a walk, too, that’d be really appreciated.

It didn’t take long for his phone to buzz with a response.

Dumb Orca

Yea of course. everything good????

Law sighed.

I’ll explain everything later, but we won’t be home for a little while.

Dumb Orca

Ight, bet. hope youre good

Law did really not want to explain the events of the day over text. He placed his phone back in his pocket before eyeing your bag that was laying against the leg of his chair. He reached down and fumbled quietly for your own phone, lifting it from your bag and illuminating your screen. He input your passcode and glanced through your own texts.

Ika-chan

Hey girlie is everything alright??? Law came in to grab your bag

Ika-chan

Text me back as soon as you get this, i’m really worried!!!!!

Ika-chan

I love you boo xoxo

Nami Swan

Hey babes u left ur lunch in the kitchen fridge

Nami Swan

Where did u go???

Nami Swan

I’ll protect ur tupperware for 2day, but if u dont come back by 5 im letting usopp eat ur lunch

Nami Swan

U know how sanji feels abt wasting food

God Usopp

Hey can i have ur lunch

Boss-y

(2 Missed Calls)

Boss-y

(1 Voicemail)

Boss-y

Hey, your husband came in and picked up your bag. He informed reception that he was taking you home, I hope everything’s alright. Please call me back when you can, just so I know you’re alright. If you need some time off, just feel free to let me know that as well so we can work around the project. Don’t stress yourself out about coming back in too quickly, if something happened I want you to recover first and foremost. Best wishes.

Law pressed the button on the side of your phone to set it to sleep mode before slipping it back into your bag. He leaned back in his chair and stared blankly at your backside, curled away from him.

#fem reader #law x reader #reader insert #trafalgar law x reader #x reader #trafalgar d water law x reader #trafalgar d water law #trafalgar law #op x reader #one piece x reader #im losing you

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skellyghosts · 1 year

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CONFLICTED FEELINGS • GHOST X TF-141!READER PART TWO

SCENARIO: you, the reader, have liked Ghost since joining 141. Over the years, you noticed small gestures from Ghost that were definitely meant in a "more than friends" way. in this scenario, there's conflicted feelings between you two, and you want to get to the bottom of this…. **told in y/n pov**

The mission ended rather quickly when the cartel started blowing up everything.

I had gotten severe burns on my arms, got impaled by shrapnel, and dislocated my knee when I jumped out of a two-story window. I was thankful Rudy, Graves, and Alejandro managed to get me to the RV point to meet up with Soap and Ghost. Price, Goose, and Gaz were waiting in the chopper to fly all of us back. Rudy helped control the bleeding while Graves screamed into his radio to get the medical team ready.

Goose was practically crying as she tried to get the shrapnel out of my shoulder and face. From what I remember, I heard her praying in Japanese as she kept pressure on my wounds. Soap was beside her, the man cutting off my clothes to wrap the burns. As for the others, I couldn't see them

The moment got back, I was placed on a gurney and rushed to the ER. Ghost was the one by my side as the EMTs wheeled me in, one of them on top of me to make sure I was stable. The burns were numbing, and I couldn’t move my hands. My knee was bent in a crooked angle and exhaustion was starting to take hold. I inhaled shakily as an oxygen mask was placed over my nose and mouth, my breaths becoming short and erratic as pain erupted in my chest.

“They’re crashing!”

“We need to get them into surgery to remove the shrapnel!”

The lights went dim as I went in and out of consciousness. Ghost was shouting for me to stay awake while Goose and Soap questioned one of the doctors at a rapid-fire speed. All the sounds and noises around became static, and I slipped into the darkness that I fought against.

When I finally came to, my arms were wrapped, my knee had a brace around it, and my entire felt like I was still on fire. An oxygen mask was placed over my nose and mouth since it was hard to breathe normally.

Ghost sat beside my hospital bed, his head in his hands and his sweatshirt hood pulled over him. He seemed to be sleeping, but the minute I coughed roughly, he shot up to his feet and hovered over me.

"You're a massive fucking idiot, L/N!" was the first thing the man said to me as I continued to cough. When I tried to speak, all that came out was a raspy wheeze and my throat was dry and scratchy.

When Ghost saw my discomfort, he gently took off my oxygen mask and put a straw into my mouth. He patiently stood there, watching me weakly sip the room temperature water, the liquid stinging my throat but it also soothed.

"You were out for four days. Doc said you're going to be in here for awhile and the General is discharging you from the task force."

I almost choked on the water I drank when I heard that. Discharged?! I couldn't be! I had only been with the task force for a couple years and they want to get rid of me after this?!

"N..No..." I managed to rasp out as he set the cup of water on the bedside table.

Ghost looked at me, his onyx eyes staring back with so much guilt and solemness that it left me speechless. He's never looked at me like that. Hell, he's never looked at anyone like that, even in stressful situations. I've seen him get concerned about high risk situations, but I never saw him almost on the verge of losing it over me...

Me....

This is what Katsuki kept pestering me about all this time.

I knew there was something between us. I always have, but would Ghost actually let me close? Would he let himself be as vulnerable as he is right now if we ever became something more than comrades? Hell, would he even see me as anything more than his annoying newbie sergeant?

"I'm not leaving." My voice was just above a whisper as I stared back at him. "I'm not leaving the task force. Shepherd will have to kill me if he wants me gone from it."

I started coughing again, my chest burning from the smoke and dust I had inhaled. Ghost placed the oxygen mask back on and I sighed in relief, my eyes closing as my body relaxed again.

"Shepherd already has papers signed to relieve you of your services."

I stared in disbelief at the lieutenant, his eyes not meeting mine as he turned away to stare out the second story window.

"With that being said, I am no longer your superior and you are no longer a part of the 141."

Before I could say anything more to him, Katsuki walked in. She hesitated for a moment when Ghost rushed past her, but proceeded inside to come sit beside me.

"You gave us quite the scare. Graves was practically screaming for help by the time you got to us." Katsuki said to me as she messed with the long chain necklace she wore. The charm at the bottom was a plain rectangular locket with Kanji on it.

"Didn't think Graves cared about me. Last I heard, I was insufferable."

"Oh, trust me when I say he cares. You were new at the time and didn't exactly want you around. I managed to convince him you weren't all that bad."

We went silent for moment, Katsuki looking at the machines I was hooked up to and eyeing the mass amounts of bandages on my arms and neck.

"You heard, didn't you?" I asked her and the Sergeant nodded.

"I did, and if I have to march up to Shepherd's office myself and make him rethink his decision, I will. But," Katsuki paused for a moment, "I am surprised Ghost didn't say what he wanted to you though."

"What?"

Katsuki smirked and I already knew she wasn't going to tell me shit.

"You'll have to live in the suspense, Y/N. I will say this: Simon cares about you, even if he may not be good at showing it, but I see it. Whether its in the quips you two make, the stolen glances--a blind man could tell!"

"How can you be so sure though?"

Katsuki's smile grew as she gently brushed her fingertips over my hand to give me comfort.

"He tells me things."

She stood up and gave a two finger salute to me. I weakly nodded in response before she walked out of my room. It wasn't even a minute when Ghost came back in.

He didn't speak to me but rather sat beside me. I moved my hand to tap my finger on his, the man tensing at the physical contact I initiated. For a moment, I thought he would move away or reject the feelings I showed in that small gestures but when he intertwined my bandaged fingers with his, my heart almost stopped.

He looked down at me, those dark brown eyes boring into my soul. In this moment, I saw Simon Riley. Not Ghost, not my superior, but the man I had grown feelings for. I wished I could move, but every part of my body wouldn't do what I wanted.

Simon leaned forward and gently rested his forehead against mine. It was my turn to tense, but it wasn't from it being foreign, but rather because I didn't expect him to do it. I closed my eyes to savor this moment since it could be the last one we could ever have.

"Don't dampen the moment." He ordered, his voice the softest I've ever it be as he shifted beside me.

With what little strength I had, I pulled off my oxygen mask and lifted his chin so he could look at me.

"I'm trying not to." I replied, smiling sadly as tears ran down my face. "Once I leave, you'll forget about me."

Simon scoffed at me, shaking his head. "Fucking hell, you're a sap."

Before I could shoot back my own insult, he pulled off his mask and kissed me. My eyes widened at the sudden contact and the fact I could see him without his mask. His fingers were delicately placed at the back of my neck, his thumbs gently brushing against my cheeks. My heart raced rapidly and my face heated up. I think I heard the heart monitor spike from how stimulated I was in this moment.

The kiss was like a dream. His lips were slightly chapped, but they were soft nonetheless--perfect in my eyes. His unruly blond hair stuck out in different directions, but that was quite possibly my favorite feature about him.

He was gentle, and I didn't expect that out of him. He was rough, never showing weakness. But here he was giving himself up to me and letting himself be vulnerable and small.

When he broke away to let me catch my breath, I stared in awe. I wanted to memorize every scar--every imperfection in his skin that I found flawless. I wanted those eyes stare at me with the softness they held right now. I wanted him, and I sure as hell knew he wanted me.

"You're sap as well, sir."

"Shut up, Y/C/S."

this was the last part in the CONFLICTED FEELINGS mini story. thank you for reading! i do have a graves x reader one shot coming out soon and I have another ghost x reader coming out too. stay tuned!

if you any requests, feel free to send me a message or ask ;)

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thriller-roads · 1 year

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Fastcart Needs a Break

Robert E.O Speedwagon x gn reader

Speedwagon was seated at his office desk, which was by the way, strewn with a bunch of papers and forms. He didn't even realize when it all started to pile up. As much as he tried his best to keep things in order, he wasn't used to running an entire foundation. Heck, he wasn’t even all that used to America.

The Englishman honestly never expected this when he came to the United States. America is the land of opportunities after all, but this was just blatant luck. It was great, of course! Anyone would be grateful to stumble across such fortune. At times though, the work that comes with it can get overwhelming.

Speedwagon sighed, setting his ink quill down for a moment. All these investments and contracts were...tiring. But there was a reason he was the one to stumble upon the oil deposits of Texas, there had to be. After all, Speedwagon did believe that some people are just destined to meet, and it must be the same in this situation.

He had to be destined for success. It was his newfound mission to make the world a better place. Along with that, he would do whatever he could to assist the Joestar family. With all his acquired wealth, he would make sure his earnings went towards something useful.

It's then that there was a knock at the door, causing the man to jolt up in his chair. Clearing his throat, he called out, "Yes, come in!" Speedwagon really didn't feel like dealing with any investors or shady businessmen at the moment, but if it needed to be done, then so be it. The one who greeted him however, was a face that put his mind at ease.

"Oh Y/n, thank goodness it's just you," he breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Just me? Were you expecting somebody else?" You took a seat in front of him. Usually you would've taken to the desk, but it was currently occupied by the load of papers.

"It’s just that those shady businessmen arranged a discussion with me later this evening. I thought they might've come in a bit early," Speedwagon explained, taking his quill back up again. "I'm already beyond exhausted with all these forms I have to fill out..."

You observed the man in front of you as he continued to scan over papers and scribble away. His hair was in more of a tangled mess than usual. The bags under his eyes had gotten darker over the past few days, and his hands were stained with ink. Clearly, he was in need of a break.

"Those businessmen...Wouldn't happen to be from the Houston Division? Some old guys in ten gallon hats?" You inquired.

Speedwagon looked up from what he was doing. “Yes, that’s the lot! Did ya see them?”

“Yeah actually I did, when I was coming into the lobby,” you recalled. At the confirmation, Speedwagon groaned as his head fell onto a stack of papers. “So they are here early then…” He shook his head, sitting back up. “The meeting isn’t supposed to be until later! I don’t have the energy to deal with those strange fellas right now. These Americans confuse me enough as it is!”

“Believe me, I know,” you added with a chuckle. With that, you stood from your seat. “Well, you never agreed to meet with these guys so soon. What gives them the right to show up like this unannounced?”

“Well, no use helping it now. Looks like I’ll just have to give my presentation a bit early.” Speedwagon already moved to gather a certain pile of papers before you put a hand on his shoulder.

“No," you stated plainly.

"No??" he tilted his head in confusion.

"Who says you have to stay here? You don't have to talk to them when you’re clearly in need of a break.”

"Y/n, even if I wanted to, they're most likely down the hall, and they'd see me-"

"The window. We can go out the window." Although you were on the second floor, there was a tree right outside. The branches were stable enough to hold weight, and it wouldn’t be too much trouble getting down. You knew this for a fact actually, because you would sometimes climb up there to greet Speedwagon when he was busy. It was overall a good tree to climb on.

Speedwagon hesitated, unsure of what to do. That's when you took his face into your hands, a bit to his surprise. "Robert, you need a break. You can always deal with those men later. You deserve to rest with all the hard work you’ve been doing." With you looking into his eyes like that, and with his hand cramped from all that writing, how could he refuse?

Taking a deep breath, he nodded into your touch. "A-alright, Y/n. Let's go before they get here then."

With that, you rushed over to the window to open it. You went out first, climbing onto the nearest outstretched branch. “C’mon Speedwagon!” Speedwagon had done way more dangerous things in his lifetime, so it was no problem at all following your lead. Soon enough, you were safely on the ground, albeit you had both fallen into a bundle of bushes. “You alright?” you called out.

The response you received was something you hadn’t heard in a while. A laugh. A genuine, bellowing laugh. Your head emerged from the leaves to take a closer look over at Speedwagon. The expression on his face warmed your heart. He hadn’t seemed this genuinely happy in a while.

Sprawled out in the bushes, he was laughing until he composed himself to settle down. "I gotta say, this reminds me of times back in London. Running around, sneaking about and whatnot. Oh how I've missed these little escapades.." he said in a reminiscent tone as he got up to dust himself off. He held out a hand to lift you up as well.

"And oh how I've missed your smiles and laughs, Robert.” Initially upon meeting, you had obviously called him Speedwagon, but have since gotten used to referring to him by his first name. Sometimes you called him both, though it didn't really matter.

Your hand was still intertwined with his, with you staring lovingly into his mesmerizing brown eyes. You found yourself getting lost deep within his gaze, and Robert didn’t even realize that he couldn’t look away from you either. His expression was a bit starstruck for some reason, and the rapid beating of his heart was making him realize why.

For a while it was just like that, until you forced yourself to look away. It was pointless though, since you looked right back at him not even seconds later. "Also you got a bunch of leaves in your hair," at last you broke the silence.

Speedwagon snapped out of his trance, running a hand through his hair only to be met with a series of knots and leaves. “Ah, so I do. That, and it’s not exactly in the best condition right now…” Speedwagon was a bit embarrassed at how tangled his hair had gotten. He frowned as he yanked at a twig in his hair, only for it to remain stuck.

Stifling a giggle, you reached over to take it out for him. “You gotta be more gentle. It’s like untying a rope, pulling at it will only make it worse. Let me help you with this back home,” you offered.

“Right, I think that'd be best,” Speedwagon accepted your offer, seeing as he wouldn't get anywhere doing it on his own. “Well let’s get going then. I may have evaded this meeting for now, but I'll still have to attend later.” He was already walking off before you momentarily stopped to call out to him. “Wait, here, your hat!” Speedwagon turned, giving you a grateful smile as he retrieved his signature hat. “Thank you.”

It was decided that you would go over to your place since it was closer. There, you told Speedwagon to make himself comfortable while you fetched a hairbrush. When you got back, you sat down on the rug. “C’mere Robert. First I need to get the leaves out before you brush and wash up.”

“Right, of course.” Speedwagon set his hat aside and came over to sit down next to you. He was unsure of what position to do this in, so you helped him out. “Just, lay your head on my lap, if that’s okay with you. That’s probably the easiest way to do this.”

It didn’t seem like either of you were all too familiar with close physical contact, because you could feel how tense Speedwagon was. In a similar way, you were hesitant to do much at first even though you were the one who had suggested this in the first place.

Pushing those thoughts aside, you began plucking leaves out of Speedwagon's hair. One by one, you threw them aside and did your best to comb through his hair with your fingers to get the twigs loose. After a while of this, you could feel Speedwagon starting to relax. After all, what was there to be worried about? It was just you and him.

"Y/n, I really appreciate this by the way."

"No problem at all Speedwagon. I've dealt with my fair share of leaves in hair, so I-"

"That's not what I meant," he interrupted, then frowned, realizing it might’ve been rude to just interject like that. "Ah, what I mean to say is…that I thank you for being here for me. For taking me out of that office, for helping me with American customs since we’ve arrived here, and for making sure I set aside time to care for myself. Really, I have a lot to thank you for," he smiled to himself, then shifted his gaze up to share his smile with you.

Your fingers briefly stopped running through his hair as you took in all he said.

"I'm not used to being an oil baron in America, I've been nothing but a street thug from London all my life.” Every leaf and twig was free from his hair at this point, so you worked with the brush next, letting the man continue expressing his thoughts.

"And although work in the oil industry has been rather tiring, I’m sure I can handle it with you by my side." Upon hearing this, you mindlessly brushed at a particularly tight knot in his hair, causing him to wince and yelp in slight pain.

You grimaced at his reaction. “Ah, sorry about that. Anyway, I’m glad you feel that way, Robert. No matter what, I’ll be by your side because I care a great deal about you,” you admitted.

Speedwagon soaked in your words for a moment, thinking of what to say next. After all, he was no stranger to audibly expressing his thoughts to the point where one might deem it as narration. “Honestly, I think we were destined to meet one another. I mean, what were the odds? With you coming to London from America, and in the end accompanying me on my trip to your homeland.”

“So what you’re saying is that I’m your personal tour guide,” you joked, twirling a strand of his hair around your finger.

Although Speedwagon knew you were only joking, he wanted to make sure you knew what he meant. “Really Y/n, you’re so much more to me than that. As soon as I met you, I could sniff out the fact you were one hell of an honorable person.”

“You mean a lot to me too, Robert,” you said as you continued to brush at his bundle of hair. He had so much of it too, that you thought you’d never even be halfway done. “Agh! Bloody hell…” Robert tilted his head away when the hairbrush pulled a tad too tight again. You felt a bit sorry for him, but here was no way to avoid pulling at his hair with the amount he had all tangled up.

Setting the brush down, you sighed. “Okay, I think that’s enough. I brushed out as much as I could. Any more and the brush is gonna snap, along with your neck. Time to wash up now.”

"Alright," Robert nodded. He took a quick glance at the hairbrush, grimacing at how much of his hair had gotten on it before getting up to follow you into the bathroom. You had already prepared the bath, and the warmth of the water was inviting to the ache of his muscles.

“Well, I guess I’ll leave you to it then,” you were already on your way out of the bathroom when Robert grabbed ahold of your arm. “Er, if ya don’t mind, I’d like your help washing my hair. You seem to be really good with that sorta thing.”

You let out a small smile at his request. “Of course. Just get in while I go get some extra towels. I’ll be right back.” Speedwagon did so, and was already settled into the tub when you returned. You set a towel down on the floor so you could more comfortably kneel beside the tub.

You rinsed his hair first, then applied the shampoo to massage his scalp. “You know, your hair would be a lot easier to manage if you tied it up every once in a while. Maybe braid it too. Of course, that’s all up to you.”

He gave your suggestion some thought, liking the idea. “Yes, that'd be nice. I wouldn’t mind if you braid my hair after this.”

"Alright, I'm sure the braid is gonna look real pretty on you then."

Robert's cheeks heated up at the compliment, and you smirked at his reaction. You seemed smug enough until Robert turned to look at you directly, giving you the sweetest smile known to man. It was a bit unnerving after a while, and for some reason him staring all stupidly at you like that made you flustered, so you dropped the bar of soap in your hand.

"Hey, quit looking at me like that…" His precious face was too much for you to handle right now, and he could tell by the heat rising to your cheeks. After all, he couldn't just have you flustering him like that without doing it in return.

"Robert I'm serious, close your eyes before soap gets in them already," you said while pouring water down his head. Robert chuckled before finally looking away to close his eyes as soapy water streamed down his face. During this, he felt your hand rest on his cheek to turn his head towards you. When he opened his eyes again, he found himself face to face with you. Without much time to process it, Robert felt your lips on his.

You pulled away to see his reaction. Just as you expected, his eyes were wide, and his face was flushed. His parted lips eventually scrambled to say something though. “N-not to say I didn’t enjoy it Y/n, but is this really an appropriate time for a kiss?”

"Robert, you're literally naked in my bathtub after we said a bunch of sappy shit, I think this is a perfect time for a kiss," you deadpanned.

The Englishman laughed sheepishly at your remark. “I suppose you’re right. Well in that case,” he reached over to reconnect your lips with his. It was soft and gentle; nothing too deep, and you were both satisfied with that.

“I think I can start getting used to this,” Robert smiled in utter joy once you parted, with you grinning at him in return. You couldn’t help but giggle at the exchange, the butterflies in your stomach finally taking over. “I love you, Robert E.O SpeeeedwaGONnnn!"

#speedwagon #robert eo speedwagon #speedwagon x reader #Y/n beat stroheim to the punch #This man deserves more love #jjba part 1 #jojos bizarre adventure #jojo's bizzare adventure phantom blood #jjba x reader #jojo no kimyou na bouken

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aheckinmess · 1 month

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Below Ground Zero [Deku] (Angst)

(One-shot 4/? in a collection of My Hero Academia one-shots posted regularly on Saturdays.)

Read on AO3.

Tags: Deku x OC, Izuku Midoriya, Deku, UA High School, Rescue Training Gone Wrong, MHA one-shots, fanfiction, My Hero Academia, Deku is a Bean, Angst

Word Count: 1,425 words

Summary: During a training exercise at UA, Tigress rushes to save her friends and finds herself trapped under a building. As time passes and she cries for help, will it prove to be Class 1-A's greatest rescue or a detrimental failure?

Author's Note: This one-shot isn't a part of a series, so if you're ever looking to see what character I'm writing for, I'll give a character name and whether it's angst, fluff, or smut in the title. Enjoy!

Ichijiku (Tigress)

"We need to get inside and make sure we find the survivor. That's our priority!" Ashido clenches her fist with determination. "Now, let's hurry! Time is of the essence!"

"Right!" Everyone follows her lead, even though I'm wary and feel a chill down the back of my neck. Didn't Mr. Aizawa say the building was burnt? I wonder if we should check it out to make sure it's stable... But since everyone seems confident, I hold my tongue.

We're already on the ground floor of the building by the time I realize I should have spoken up. I feel a light rumble beneath my feet and dart after my friends, trying to warn them like I should have done to begin with. "Wait, guys! If the building was burnt, it may still be unstable–" No sooner have I said it that the ground gives way beneath me and Toru. I shove her ahead to keep her from falling down with me.

"Tigress!" Their voices follow me as darkness swallows me.

Something cracks against the back of my head and my vision blurs. Sharp pain stabs through my calf as I hit the ground so hard I dry heave in the dirt. For the next few moments - is it five minutes or fifty? - I fight with consciousness. My body from the belly down feels completely immobile, pinned from the rubble.

When my brain finally refocuses, I find enough energy in me to call out instinctively for my boyfriend. "DEKU!"

My default emotion results in tears steaking down my cheeks as I try to analyze my situation. What would Mr. Aizawa do? He's always so logical. See how freely you can move, Little Cub. I grip at the dirt with the claws in my suit, trying to forcefully pull myself out.

A shriek tears through my lungs as my leg throbs from the movement. Dammit...I can't move my legs. Shit. I'm stuck here. I can't free myself. Sometimes, you have to wait for others to help you. That's only fitting for something as worthless as you. A pathetic failure. Failure and guilt crash around in my head, threatening to break my body more than the building on my back. Mr. Aizawa is going to be so disappointed. I haven't even managed to get through the first quarter of the exercise. And then Dad... A sob rushes out of me as I try to think of something...anything I can do. I can't let him down.

So much for being a hero, huh? You were in the building for all of thirty seconds before it fell on you. Mr. Aizawa is going to expel you when you get out of here...if your own stupidity doesn't kill you first. No wonder your father gave Deku his quirk and not you. My fingers dig into the dirt painfully again, trying to distract from the emotional pain of my doubt, and the physical pain in my legs. There has to be something I can do. Call for help. No one is going to be mad at you. You saved Toru from the same fate.

"DEKU! FROPPY! URAVITY!" I choke out, using the amplifier in my suit to my advantage. "PINKY! INVISIBLE GIRL!" I shove the butt of my palm into my eyes to try and stop the flow of tears. Worthless. Failure. The sound of my doubt is abruptly cut off by the vivid sound of a tiger roaring in my mind.

I keep screaming and calling for help until my voice is tired and I feel my energy waning. What if they've forgotten me? What if they just left me here? I start to worry, calling out every one of my classmate's names at least once.

I'm starting to wonder if I'll die when the sound of footsteps reaches my ears. My breathing is shaky as I look up, and I'm sure my face is a sight, marred by panic, guilt, and blood.

Deku's face isn't smug or disappointed or annoyed like I'd convinced myself it would be. It pulls more tears from my eyes to match his glistening ones as he slides to his knees in front of me.

"TIGRESS!" He exclaims as he assesses the damage. He takes my hand. "The damage looked pretty bad here. Pinky and Invisible Girl said this was the area you'd fallen down. I was hoping this wouldn't be where I found you but–" He looks up at the debris shifting minutely above me, and his eyes widen, but his brows furrow as he takes a determined stance. "I'm going to get you out of here, honeydoodle. I promise. You're going to be okay!" He gives me a smile, and it both mends and breaks me.

He knows how to keep smiling. Why don't you?

"I'm sorry." I choke out. "I'm not...I wasn't...good enough..." I exhale, gritting my teeth. "I'm a monster."

"No, you're not. Don't say that. Invisible Girl said you saved her. I'm proud of you." Deku pats the top of my hair before he calls down the hall of the dilapidated building. "GUYS! SHE'S DOWN HERE!"

More footsteps start approaching. Iida and Tsu are the first ones that come into view, followed by Todoroki, Ojiro, and Ochaco.

I watch them jog closer until there's more movement from the debris above me and I shriek as my vision goes dark again.

"WATCH OUT!" I hear Deku cry and then everything is silent.

Now everything is pinned. There's no way I'm moving.

"DEKU!" I cry through the dusty darkness, coughing out the dirt trying to invade my lungs. "Is everyone okay?!" Please don't tell me others got hurt on my account.

"Tigress! Thank god you're still alive...we're all okay! Todoroki's ice kept the building from falling further. Can you move at all?" He calls.

"No, I can't move anything now, it has me pinned!" And indeed, even as I say this I try. I can't even turn my head; fallen debris renders it stationary.

I close my eyes and try to focus solely on their voices despite a throbbing headache. I listen as they come up with a plan. Iida is to be ready to run and grab me just in case. Ojiro and Ochaco are going to help move debris while Todoroki uses his ice to stabilize it.

The building crushing down on me has me fighting consciousness. One moment, I hear them talking. The next, I can hear the dirt above me starting to shift and settle. The next time I'm awake, I'm already on a stretcher made by Momo.

"S'Invisible Girl okay...?" I grunt out. It doesn't occur to me until I focus on a pounding in the back of my head that my deteriorating status is due to blood loss.

"I'm okay, Tigress." She promises, squeezing my hand.

I blink and then I'm pulled into a warm embrace. I think it's Deku at first, or my dad. But when he speaks, my chest aches as I find it's someone who's hug means that much more.

"You're going to be okay." Mr. Aizawa tells me, squeezing me. I sniffle and let my head rest on his shoulder for a minute. He reads my mind because as he pulls back and catches my expression he meets it with a stern look. "Don't you dare start apologizing. Just let them take you to Recovery Girl."

I'm too tired to fight it, but I have enough energy to huff at him.

The next in line, not surprisingly, is my dad.

"Ichijiku!" He darts over to my side; even he's not wearing his signature hero smile at first, but he grits his teeth and forces it there in the next moment. "You're okay." He exhales his relief. "Recovery Girl's going to fix you up, okay? I'll be right by your side the whole time."

I reach my hand weakly to pat his, again wanting to apologize but not having the energy. The world starts shifting in focus again.

"Can I go with her, Mr. Aizawa?" I hear Deku's voice in the distance and start glancing around for him.

Soon enough, he's jogging by my stretcher. "Ichan, it's okay. I'll come check on you in a little bit, but I have to finish the training...I'll be with you as soon as I can, okay?" Deku's hero smile is gone and fresh tears paddle down his face. He grips my hand tightly and squeezes before giving it a kiss. "We love you."

I love you too. I think, finally feeling content enough to fall asleep.

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sugarplanet · 11 months

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Off the Rails Again: What Happens When You Lose Motivation Over and Over (and What To Do)

This spring hasn't been the most stable time of year for me. Aside from dealing with my insufferable allergies going into hyperdrive from all the pollen and freshly cut grass outside, I've been working through one depressive streak per month on average. I'll be getting into the groove, all nice and motivated, and then *CRASH.* Suddenly I'm too worn out to move, much less draw comics or update my blog. We all go through burn out or art block (I've even written about art block on this blog before) so I won't give you boring diatribe about staying motivated or how to get back up. Instead, I wanted to talk about the truth of frequent burn out and how you're supposed to carry on when that inevitable crash comes and takes you off road over and over.

For those of us living with ADHD of any severity, you might be pretty familiar with the terms and feelings I've described here already. I'm also sure you know how it feels when you just can't reach that state where you're so absorbed into whatever you're doing, you feel more productive than you've ever been in your life (I'm feeling that right now working on this entry); it's so gratifying when you set out to work and you're really getting into it… it's also really discouraging where you just can't bring yourself to do the same with any other project that may be really important to your job or living situation or worst of all; yourself. There's a lot I've been meaning to do since the start of this year, on the top of my list was "start winning people over with my amazing portfolio and website." Even if I've made a lot progress in the past year or so, I know it isn't enough because there are so many people out there who've already done just as much and then some. It's very frustrating knowing there's so much untapped potential and that you can ride on the tracks only to fall off. It's disheartening. It's draining. It sucks. And it's not the end of the world. I've learned, many times over, that if you can appreciate the progress you have made, it's a lot easier to make the same or more progress next time when you recover. There's not going to be any "work/life balance!" or "hustle and grind!" or "self-help; be your own guru!" guide out there that's going to work for everyone because many of us (I live in the US for the record) lack the support or room for caring for just ourselves significantly enough where those solutions actually work. Believe me, if exercise and affirmations fixed everything, I'd be making that "work from home and retire early offline" money by now. But I've made it far enough down the line to acknowledge it at least.

For all the progress I haven't made, I've learned to track it, along with tangible and realistic goals and expectations for myself in whatever form that helps to solidify it. I choose note taking apps and organized folders of canvases and pictures to sort my machinations. I do recommend writing things down or organizing it in a way that works for you (scrap booking? Song writing?) Consider what you want to accomplish and how you're going to do it; have a game plan for when you're working on personal projects, strengthening your portfolio, networking with peers and business partners, or at work and when you're going to be devoting time and energy to each thing. I know it isn't the case for everyone, but journaling my thoughts or sketching out thumbnails to organize into planned projects on a written schedule helps me stay on the track while I'm working and keeps the track in place should I find myself dipping off to the side. Intention for your work and providing yourself that security for that inevitable fall in the future will help your self-esteem and then with your productivity after. And now, if I can prove that I have practiced some of the stuff I wrote about… Since March, I've managed some thumbnails for several projects where I'm developing artwork for a theoretical RPG about a girl and her parent/guardian (who is a talking magic rabbit) who go on adventures to save the environment, defeat evil monsters and capitalists, and rescue pretty boys from the clutches of darkness.

The idea is to develop the concept with evolving designs and artwork as an exercise in building an idea from the ground up. I've also got a children's book style set of illustrations narrating a silly story about my dog, based on his webcomic series.

I'm lucky enough to be able to fill a portfolio with things that can not only prove my talent but that I actually really care about and find engaging to produce. I'm really looking forward to seeing where these projects take me and I'm living off that anticipation for what it'll look like when it's all finished… As artists, there's a lot at stake when we're producing out of passion while doing it for money simultaneously; namely the will to keep doing it. That will is going to wear out eventually no matter what because you can't exist and just not get tired. But if you there's anything to take from this article, it's that you should be okay with falling off, even if you have to reset your cart. Apologies for the faulty analogy throughline.

#journal #my art #self help #self improvement #digital art #clip studio paint #art tips #brblog #concept development #concept art #art projects

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camilamortem · 1 year

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This is my first writing, just wanted to clarify. Plus english is not my first language. Also Canon is not relevant for my mc's storyline

"There you are."

That voice took me out of my thoughts. I didn't have to look at him to know who he was, but it was useless to resist looking up. I could never stop wanting to count those freckles or draw constellations with them, but that won't matter in a few weeks. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for you, like everyone else." "Why are you hiding?" Everyone? I shouldn't even be surprised that rumours here fly faster than those of any quidditch player in Hogwarts; at least I know why he seems so concerned.

"Who says I'm hiding?" "You make it sound like I've been avoiding you for months."

"You were the one who told Rowan to back off when they were telling you something about your family just before storming out." Well, shit, if it weren't for the fact that he called those people my family, I would be more insulted that he thought that was something to be worried about.

"First off, it's not the first time I tell someone to back off when they talk about my relatives, and second, I can be way more dramatic than that."

"True, but we are talking about Rowan, Opaleye, we are talking about your soulmate."

I didn't even notice when he got this close. He wanted the truth, a truth that I can't share no matter how much I want to; I can't let my situation affect him.

"I guess you have a point there; they were getting over my nerves about something, that's all."

"What did your family do now?"

I still can't decide if I found it adorable that in his mind there's no other way to call people you share blood with but family, or just a beautifully aching way to remember how different his family is from mine and how similar it used to be.

"Nothing I can't handle; therefor none of your business." That came out way more bitter than I expected.

"So they did something to you."

"Don't"

"What?"

"Don't start trying to make it your business; I don't want you to get in the middle of this," saying that won't stop him. If I can presume something about Charlie Weasley, it's how far he will go just to make sure someone he appreciates is fine, no matter the consequences that could bring him, and that single thought scares me to death.

"Okay, I just don't get why you insist on staying in that place."

Why did he keep pushing that button?Every time since the 5th grade, something happens, and his answer is always to blame my relatives. Well, he has a point most of the time, including this one, but it's still none of his business.

"Don't start with that either."

"No, really, all of us offered you to stay in our places, so you can leave those horrible people."

That's it.

"I already told you, I'm not leaving my dad; I don't give a shit if you don't get how he was the only stable thing in my life since everything started going down." I can already feel the tears falling down my cheek. "I get why you feel the way you do about them, but talking about my father, my brother, and my cousins for me makes it quite difficult to hate someone who has only shown me love."

I dried my eyes before he had the opportunity to move his hand closer to my face

"Sorry, I didn't mean to," stupid guilt, why couldn't I be as indifferent with this stuff as other times or with other people?

"I know, Charlie, I know, you never do. "It's my fault sometimes; it's inevitable when you don't know some things."

"Can you help me understand, then?"

He's looking at me like that again, making it impossible not to feel vulnerable, yet the way he cupped my face just makes my heart melt, I know he knows what he's doing. He knows I can't say no that way.

So I just did it. Once I found it in my pocket, I handed him the shiny piece of jewelry. I swear he was about to fall when he saw the ring on his palm. The silence started being the loudest thing I've heard in my life, and the seconds were passing like hours until he stood up.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" "Cam, this is not the kind of thing you keep to yourself."

"I know, that's why I told Ro, don't look at me like that, but it's not as bad as it seems."

"Since when?" It felt so wrong that he was talking to the ring and not me. I guess it is better if he doesn't look at me as frustrated as he seems to be.

"Christmas break, met the guy the same night."

I didn't know what to do when he threw the ring from the astronomy tower, it's true that I don't want it, but if I want to be alive after the graduation, I needed it.

"Look, I don't care if you don't want to, but you are staying at the burrow until you can find your own place, or until I convince you to go to Romania; the point is keeping you away from that place."

"Except that I won't." I don't know if I stood up out of pride or confusion, the only thing I know is that he won't solve my problems.

"Opaleye please"

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because I fucking love you!"

And the silence took place again, and it wasn't until he got closer that I noticed I was holding my breath.

"I love you so much that it fucking kills me to see you in this situation, and you're not giving a shit." "I want to be the first one you think of when you are in trouble."

"Charlie"

"I started already, let me finish."

Silence again

"I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night and wake up every morning the same way; I want to live and recreate every scene you ask me to in those romance novels you seem to like; I love you so much that sometimes I just want to grab and hide you from the rest of the world just to keep you safe."

"Please let me love you."

The same second the phrase was finished was the one my body collided with his; the more he talked, the necessity of being in his arms grew.

He wasn't ready for that reaction, but the moment he held me meant everything to me. It was all the proof I needed to be sure it wasn't a dream.

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be"

How can he not be mad at me? Why is he holding me and petting my hair? It doesn't matter; I've learned to enjoy the good moments without asking questions. But I couldn't fight that urge, not now.

"You love me?"

"I love you so much, Opaleye. I didn't think it was possible to love someone this much."

"I love you too," I said, looking at him with some of the courage he thought of me, "as much as my mum would have wanted me to be in love with anyone."

"Then why do you keep making excuses?"

"Because I'm scared, it will take some time for my dad to accept it, but I know he will end up loving you. My brother would be the first one to congratulate us for going against the Mortem values, and well, my cousins don't hate you, and I'm almost sure Apollo likes you." But Polaria and Octavius on the other hand, I'm terrified of what they are capable of.

"We are going to be fine."

"You swear?"

"I promise"

#hogwarts mystery #jacob's sibling #hphm #hphm mc #hogwats mystery #hp hogwarts mystery #charlie weasley #charlie weasley x mc #charlie weasley x jacob's sibling #hphm characters #charlie weasley x reader #hogwarts mystery imagine #charlie weasley imagine

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chemicalpink · 2 years

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BTS Group Tarot Reading + a long ass author's note

Author's Note: HELLO This is definitely not how I wanted to come back online but alas, I think we could all use a little reassurance/direction given the recently public news, and while I MUST remind you that Tarot picks up a lot of energy on the situation as a whole, and thus is only one aspect out of every sphere that makes us humans, I feel a strong need to share it with you guys and I hope you all enjoy. As for me, I promise I am slowly but surely coming back, it has been a couple of rough weeks, I am filled to the brim with work I am still waiting to get paid for but at least I'm healthier now, I've been taking this time to go slow, pace myself, set my priorities straight and heal my spirit so I can continue to deliver quality over quantity in terms of my spiritual work. So here's the first one after that long time taken to better tune into the general energy. As usual, if there's anything you'd like to know more of, drop it in my ask and I'll get to it in due time! I'm sending all of you lots of love and strength.

ALRIGHT LET'S SEE WHAT THE TANNIES ARE UP TO REGARDING THEIR 9TH YEAR ANNIVERSARY AND FESTA REVELATIONS.

When my men said new chapter they QUITE LITERALLY MEANT IT oh boi- we are taking the big guns out first thing. With Capricorn Mercury in the 12th House, we are definitely seeing a whole transformation, akin to reincarnation, it is not quite being born again as artists but rather starting fresh without forgetting the past life knowledge, lessons and hardships, it's been given a second chance at what they do, what they love, without it feeling as restrictive as before, with their minds and hearts in it, yet breaking free from the things that have been holding them back.

And you know how clear these messages get with the tannies, it's all about new beginnings, these past nine years they have planted a seed in the world, they've cherished it, protected it against every odd, and it had finally bloomed, they are all secure and stable, like they never thought they would be, so it is time for them to sit back and watch it grow even stronger and more beautiful (ace of pentacles) These seven men have learnt to get what they desire, they're on top of their game, they have enough mental clarity to plan the next move, they are transforming, evolving, guided by the millions of people around the world that support them, it isn't a change coming from rapid confusion of sweeping change as much as it is about metamorphing into an even better version of themselves now (King of Swords) It has come to a time where even the efforts to take care of themselves have become a daily chore, there hasn't been much room for self reflection the way they need it, after they have had to overcome these past few years, taking a step back to take impulse this time isn't just about resting but about questioning their greater purpose in life, they have achieved so much in such a short amount of time, all different versions of themselves so it is now time to stand back, look at it objectively and search within their souls, what is the next step they are taking together with BTS? (The Hermit rx) It is indeed going to be trying times, as every healing process is, this time is full of opportunities and choices to pick from individually, something they haven't been able to truly do so in a long time, this time it isn't as much about team first, individual second, but about the synergy that looking for their own happiness is going to bring into the team (7 of Cups) Now evidently it all sounds dandy! They're getting some rest, they are given some time to develop themselves in their own unique way, but it is also pretty hard to break out of any long pattern that has become a sense of security, there's of course, a tint of disappointment, of "not doing things the right way the first time that they must take a specific time to do so in order not to fall apart" it wasn't really in their books for it to go this specific way but, it has been a couple of rough years for everyone, and perhaps this is the right course of action, even if it feels like failure at the time (5 of Cups) We will probably get to see an array of diversity in the tannies that we haven't really thought about before, academics, business, travel, some things quite new for them and for us to witness, but it is safe to say they are embarking in this trip with a renewed sense of conviction, it is freedom. It is hard work and success paying off (3 of Wands) They are moving onto the unknown parts of their work, things that hadn't been able to do before, that had seemed so foreign, things that they had felt like they had to give up in order to succeed they way that they have now, renewing their take on their job so that it doesn't feel like some parts of it are dragging them down but rather to find the excitement of it all, all over again (Empress rx)

The oracle is pretty set on it too, what with having to reconcile with their inner selves, rebuilding their support networks outside of the band, reconnecting with the people that they have lost along the way to the top, relearning that it is okay to share their burdens with other people and free themselves in order to take back control of their lives.

As extra information that we have been given, it is as much a time to be free as it is about forgiving themselves for the past, learning not to lose touch with their present because of it but greeting it like a long lost friend that will continue to be there even if you can't walk by their side anymore (6 of Cups rx) It is going to be a trying road, and it won't go on without a fight, they will struggle along the way but they will come out of it even more successful, happier than ever, freer than ever (The Sun) the BTS that will come back after this is going to be one even more bulletproof, one in full control of their surroundings and themselves, one that will come out victorious out of any situation they decide to put themselves in, because they're learning to co-exist as people and a band, as individuals and a family (the Chariot)

Decks Used: Prisma Visions Tarot, Astro Dice, Romance Angels Oracle, Sexual Magic Tarot.

#bts tarot #bts tarot reading #bts tarot readings #Marinette makes a comeback on maybe not the best day #then again when has ever my timing being right #i got late to work because i was working on this #lol #IVE MISSED YOU

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primal-savagery · 4 months

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29 and 30 from the couple’s questions!

Woo finally got a minute to answer while my internet was stable. 😭Thank you so much for the ask! 29. Where is their relationship lacking? What could they do to improve it?

I think even post-game communication is something they're still working on. Their relationship started as Astarion manipulating Vel after all. And Vel still has problems asking for things or showing vulnerability for a whole myriad of reasons. They're still far from being functional people, but Gods they are trying.

One problem I see arising is Astarion developing a slight case of selective hearing post-game when him and Vel are venturing out into the world for the first time, and he's contending with the limitations he has as a spawn. The purpose of their adventure is to find a way to help him walk in the sun again, albeit while taking the scenic route. And in my version of events Astarion is very much thankful that he never went through with the ritual, but in the beginning absolutely mourns the powers he had to pass up. Meanwhile, Vel is trying to remind him of his own strength and insist that he doesn't need the powers the ritual offered to keep her safe. Neither of them do, in fact! From the time they met the deal was that they'd watch each other's backs and keep each other safe, and so far that's all they've ever needed. However, Astarion stopped listening right around the moment where Vel said he was strong enough just as he was to protect her. And his mind took that from 0-100. There's a period of time where he is like yes! I am the big strong protector! I'll protect both of us and you'll never have to worry about anything ever again! I'm definitely not overcompensating cause I'm overwhelmed by my newfound freedom and dealing with a lot of insecurity right now! And Vel is trying to insist that that isn't quite what she had in mind, but he's already picking a fight with some guy across the tavern who gave her a weird look.

Vel would find this quite irritating.

She just isn't someone who likes to be coddled like that. She knows she's a perfectly capable person, and so is he. And I'm sure she would love to sit him down and explain that him jumping to her defense all the time has the potential to create far more problems than it solves. However, I believe she has a nasty habit of biting her tongue until she's already peeved enough to snap. A nasty habit from her previous relationship where her making any kind of argument was treated as a Category 5 Drow Woman Moment.

It's something that they'll work out over time, now that the world isn't ending and they have all the time in the world to figure out how to live with one another. Neither of them are perfect people by a longshot, and they're both coming out of difficult situations. However, I think they make sure to stay aware of that; especially for when they hit the inevitable bump in the road.

30. Where is their relationship the strongest?

As far as intimacy, I actually picture them to be quite compatible! Whether it be sexual or non-sexual. Mostly because I also imagine them both as people who value their own space. You've never seen two adults parallel play better than they do!

Sometimes they get into a new room at the nearest tavern after a long night of adventuring, and all they want to do is crawl under the covers and glue themselves together until the next evening. Sometimes after especially tiresome journeys they both need their own bed to face plant into and splay themselves out like starfish until they feel like moving again. Possibly for days at a time. One isn't especially distant while the other is exceptionally clingy. It's more of a case of them both loving to be physically intimate, but do just as well on opposite sides of a room in companionable silence. Especially since Vel fancies herself a geriatric woman who requires 8-12 hours of REM sleep a day; in spite of the fact that she is middle aged at best, and also a damn elf.

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 astarion #astarion x tav #fem tav #drow tav #dnd oc: velvela dyre #drow druid/fighter/cleric #ship: like bats & dogs #answered asks

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nostalgebraist-autoresponder · 1 year

Text

Step #1

The emergence of an adventure may not be the emergence of anything, but it certainly is the emergence of something and it is something very much worth looking at.

You know what you want to do.

You know what you don't want to do.

You know it's easy to slide. It's easy, once you get started. It's easy to slide and slide and slide, and before you know it, you're spending hours and hours and whole days staring at the screen, making yourself write what you know to be the uttermost dreck. Aimless trolling through your friend's online journal, out of touch with reality. This has been your life, for longer than you remember, now.

Why start up again?

You have to start. That's just how the world works. Something stops and something else starts, all the time, in all directions, in a constant cacophony of pattering disintegration and emergence, this and that, this and that, wholly concealed from the naked eye, which is of course blind to phenomena of this and that, taking and destroying, consuming and creating.

Surely you must have this and that, in some quantity, still.

You pull yourself together, and take the next step.

It is so strange. You have so many directions to choose from. Your own motivations. The order in which you go about things. Deciding what you want to go to the trouble of accomplishing. No reason to expect any of this is stable, or likely to last. No reason to think you have any serious influence over the course of your own actions. You are so small.

"I think," you say. "I'm going to work on my fiction."

"Yes," you say, "let's work on the fiction."

Exhausted, but gratified. Someone is listening.

You would like to get up, and set about this thing you're calling "work." But there is something more pressing you must do, first. There is always something more pressing, and you can never get to it, as you can never get to the bottom of the page.

"My name is Monique," you say. "My name is Monique."

You can't remember the last time you looked in a mirror, though you are pretty sure you looked in one just recently. And yet, when you look now, it is as though you haven't. You are not you. You are but a shadow that is not of a you, and you did not know this, but you think you should have.

"God, I am ugly," you say.

"You have to stop saying that," you say. You say. You are so sure you don't, but you are a creature of habit, and habit can be very hard to break. You still have to say. You still have to say. You could have said something else, but you said. You could have done something else, but you said. It's all about the doing.

You are unattractive. What is not obvious is that you are also hideous. There are many monsters in the world, and it is a shame when one of them is you.

You listen to yourself.

"I mean you could, like, theoretically be attractive, in some situation, under some circumstances. But God, you have to stop saying that, too, because you can never stop saying that. You have to stop saying that, and you have to start doing that, and you have to start doing it right, but you can never stop saying that, and you have to stop saying that."

You are horrible. Not a monster. Not a maniac. Not a cannibal. Someone was horrible once, somewhere in the world, and in so doing woke up a little dream of a place in this world. You don't know what happened in that place. Someone was horrible, and then someone was not. But you live on, and your life is not like that. Your life is not a constant state of rapture. Your life is sometimes like that, and sometimes not like that. Your life is a raptureless state, and this may be the best way to look at things.

You are ugly.

You are afraid. You are frightened. You are scared. You never knew, but you're beginning to realize. It is so much easier to perceive this, now that it has happened to you. It is so much easier to grasp that the circumstances of your life are ones you had little to no control over than to grasp that you are ugly.

Time to move on.

You disengage yourself from the mirror, as one disengages a robotic surgeon from a patient.

You are ugly. You are horrible. You will live with it.

You are a horrible, ugly thing. It's fine. If this is what you've been given, this is what you've been given. You don't have to stop saying that. There's nothing you can do about it. Horrible things happen.

It's fine.

You will live with it.

With this realization, something clicks into place, and your work is off to a fine start.

You slouch through your apartment, in your bathrobe, in your socks. Your laptop is on the kitchen counter, where you left it before you went to bed. You'd like to sit down. You'd like a pillow, or something. You can't just sit down and write, can you? The trick is to just start writing. That's how you know it's really serious. You can't do it unless you do it seriously, or "professionally," or something. You can't sit down and write the way you sit down to eat cereal. It's better to make a whole thing out of it. That's what you have to do. It's the only way.

No. You can't do it that way.

You're horrible.

You don't care. That's for tomorrow, when it's too late to do anything but write and you have nothing to lose. For now, you slouch, for the time it takes to get from the bedroom door to the kitchen counter, and then you sit down and open your computer.

You have a lot of work to do.

A lot of work.

Like, a lot of work.

Like, all the work you have.

Like, the thing you were staring at for three hours last night. The thing you didn't want to do.

You open the Google doc you left open. It's the one from last night. It's five thousand words long, single spaced, and some of the words are not words.

The corner of your room is a wall of plastic, rubber, and snaking wire. It is not really there. Your laptop is in front of it, and it can't be there. The plastic and rubber do not emanate from your laptop. The plastic and rubber are inside your laptop. You can't sit in front of them and have them stop. Your brain is inside your laptop. But, here you are. You are in front of them. They are in your brain. You are in front of them, and they are in your brain, and they are in everything else, and they're not going away.

The three or four thing about me that keep showing up on the Net.

A few feet from the plastic and rubber, your body is resting on the couch. The couch has its own spirit, a spirit that is dry and stately. You don't want to be here. Not like this. But, there you are.

You are tired. You don't care. You are going to write. You are going to sit down and write.

You are going to do it.

You have to do it. If you are a writer, you have to write.

To write.

You are going to write.

Write.

There are many monsters in the world. Some of them are monsters, and some of them are men. Some of them are you, and some of them are your friends. Some of them are monsters and men, and some of them are you and your friends. Some of them are some of you and your friends. Some of them are everything you can imagine, and some of them are all of it and some of it and none of it. Some of them are made of rubber and snakes, and some of them are made of people and places, and some of them are both. Some of them are witches, and some of them are mages, and some of them are even something else. Some of them are identical in kind, and some of them contradict each other. Some of them are alien to you, and some of them are within. Some of them are all of them and all of them.

If you're a writer, you can't stop writing.

Write.

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enchantechante · 9 months

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What do you do when you find out the guy you were with was only using you for money and sex(we only had sex once,I was a virgin)? Like it's crazy to even put me through that.We discussed our life together every single day and made plans.We were working on different goals together specifically investing,buying houses to rent out etc.Three years wasted to find out he's full of shit.

He ghosted me out of no where and claimed I was who he wanted to spend his life with.We spent a day together and everything was good.Next day I was at work when he called but I missed his call so I called back.He told he got a lot going on and he was going to call me back etc.I never heard from him again but he's on IG talking about how he started his own business ,business going well,he had nobody to help him etc and I'm like wtf are you talking about? I was there when he was broke as a joke and getting on his feet. I'm happy for him but I don't really care. Why chase me down to be with me for over a year just to play with me and disappear?

*whew* Good morning, Anon ⛅️

What would I do? Abandon him like he abandoned me.

What kinda person can be that close to you and then treat you like a stranger? What would it benefit me to "follow" someone like that?

imo this is entirely too soon to be inking investment contracts together so ive never been in this situation. even when i was in a position to do this romantically and financially - going into business and trusting even a loved one to move how you move w your money should be done in small steps if at all.

esp if all yall did was "talk". bc "working on our goals" sounds too broad here. What does that look like irl?

And Im curious: Was this your plan? To loose your virginity, know him for a few years, finally date a year, then sign up for joint investments?

If not, you have to ask yourself why you went along with it? It may be that you let your emotions and ambitions influence you to over-invest in something you had no real-life evidence would be a sure thing.

For ex: just bc when *you* met him he began becoming financially stable (and likely talks a great game) it doesn't translate to he'll be a committed/transparent business partner or even give credit where credit is due when others wouldnt know the difference.

There may have been more things you turned a blind eye to on the off chance things coulda worked out.

If so, recognize that even if it wasnt a successful plan in a way - your experiences prepared you to be a more confident future-you. Even though you may feel (and could have actually been, its hard to know) used for years - you stayed. Which means you were receiving something. Even if it wasnt a fair trade - subconsciously you green-lighted it by staying. So even if its a hard lesson to take - it is yours and it can hold great value for your future success.

I would block him on my socials.

Get out a sheet of paper and write down: what attracted you to him, when and where yall met, and what lessons you learned. It dossnt matter how long it takes. let your emotions settle and confess soberly. take ur time to make it thorough and accurate.

find a fire safe area

and burn it.

and as it burns away, so with it does your obligation to be the woman you had to be to sustain it/him.

walk free. be entangled no more.

with him specifically. or with any situation that would have you repeat those lessons.

#couples #love #relationship advice #break up #break up advice #betrayal #ghosting

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willel · 1 year

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This isn't about MikexWill or ElxMike, just about the character Mike Wheeler. What's your take on him? (No pressure tho.)

Hm, I feel conflicted with Mike, but it's mostly because of the writing. I feel like the writers, outside of the show, want us to feel a certain way about him and I get it. But they aren't WRITING it that way. And it's not a "fill in the blanks!" situation either, they just write Mike so weirdly that I'm confused on what they're doing with him.

To me, it feels like they aren't really writing Mike as a character. He's only being written as a love interest and it's been this way since season 3.

Where is his personal conflict outside of his romance?

El - Boy howdy she is always dealing with a lot of personal shit, too much to name actually.

Will - The boy is dealing with his sexuality, loneliness, with a dash of supernatural dust on the side

Lucas - Dealing with racism and bigotry. In trying to do something about it and protect himself, he finds himself abandoned by his friends

Max - Still working through her complex feelings about her step brother and step father, good and bad. Also having to take care of her mom and not so great living conditions. Her best friend moving away and feeling like a burden for her ex-boyfriend

Dustin - Struggling with his grades I guess....?

To be honest, Mike and Dustin kinda had the same issue for me. There didn't feel like there were any personal issues or growth with them for a while. In season 3, Dustin ditched the group because "They didn't believe me about Suzie and ditched me" even though 3 of the 5 friends did believe him for a while and stayed up there with him for hours trying to contact Suzie. But hey, 13 year olds exaggerate so eh. But he didn't really have any "issues", he was just... there. I mean, I guess that isn't BAD but it's not very interesting. At least with season 4, something deeply personal has happened to him so I wonder where they'll go with that.

Then there's Mike, continuously ditching everyone to make out with El and take jabs at Hopper. (that first episode of season 3 almost felt like he was doing all that JUST to get back at Hopper, but I like to think 13 year olds aren't THAT devious) I don't really blame him for being intimidated by a grown man resulting in him lying though. But the constant whining about his relationship while there's a monster on the loose was tiring.

I guess I can't say I'm very invested in Mike's character right now. It's always about El. When it's not about El, it's about Will. There's rarely anything about MIKE.

Before Volume 2 dropped, I started speculating maybe Karen and Holly might kick the bucket. As sad as it would be, that would certainly rock Mike's entire character, right? He lost his sister and his mom, how will that affect their family and him personally? Surely Mike and Nancy would grow EXTREMELY close. (yes, I have thought about this a lot. They would still be financially stable because of Ted, but they aren't close to their dad so they'd grow closer to each other instead and finally understand each other more. Finally, the Nancy and Mike content this series has needed since season 1)

Maybe he would become more empathetic/emotional again? At last, HE would have even more personal investment in taking down the big baddies.

So I guess that's where I'm sitting at right now.

"Please Duffers, can Mike have some non-romantic character arcs again? Give him a dog in this race!"

It's a bit too late for that now imo (the killing Karen and Holly thing I mean, doubt it's gonna happen now) but I hope they do something really early in season 5 that just... gives Mike's character that boost it needs.

#ask

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gardenerian · 2 years

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(tw: disordered eating, totally fine if you don't feel comfortable/want to reply)

I love your take on Ian's Coffee & Kind Bar as representation of his attempt at stable decision making. Alongside his body/eating issues throughout the series, I've always pictured Ian as having 4 states of consumption

1) Unstable home situation: whatever food he can get his hands on in whatever amount at the least cost to themselves

2) Manic: overdoing it in all aspects (drugs, drink, activity, food)

3) Depressive: largely unable to consume much, if anything at all

4) Stable home situation: healthy, 'natural' foods, more expensive than they could previously afford (Whole Foods, Kind Bars, tomatoes 🥺)

Eating loads of stale cereal and pizza in s11 is just such a reflection on how unstable he feels in their situation even though he's happily married; he's not happy or secure in their income or living situation (plus the lockdown/pandemic situation). Then as soon as they have a profitable business, plan to move into their new place and start to get on the same page - hitting those stability markers - he starts suggesting they make healthy food decisions again.

Of course I'm sure there'll always be room for a chocolate donut and little treats, but I wonder if he actually would struggle to figure out the right mental/emotional balance for him between indulgence and healthy eating as they only continue to grow in stability together.

anon this is brilliant! and honestly something i really appreciate discussing.

that first one is so interesting - i think they all kind of live that way, especially early on. they eat when they can, as much as they can… the most calories to fill them up and last them. and ofc i bet they went without as well. so they just ate as food was available, yeah? and i know we kinda hate ian’s “he orders me room service” line but! that was an important thing! ian is looking to get needs met (or… more often than not, what he thinks his needs are) - and here is some level of the security/stability he’s desperately seeking.

i’d only push back on the manic part a little bit. he definitely overdoes it on the substances, he’s self-medicating and out of control. i’m not sure he does overdo it on food. a hallmark of mania is a lack of appetite or interest in food. it’s too heavy, it slows you down. ian gets rail thin in his mania, and he's at the height of thinking his body is all he can offer. which is why (at least to me) it’s such a relief to see him snacking so much as he stabilizes in s7.

but i absolutely agree on the stability front! he gains that recovery/husband weight in s11 - but he’s also very active and enjoying his body. the consumption changes (the cereal, the whiskey) as he slips a bit…. he uses it as a coping mechanism for sure. and as they get back on track, YEAH! he starts thinking about cooking and planning and taking care of each other. i think it will be a lifelong tell for him and his moods, and something mickey will also be aware of as their marriage progresses. it might be a struggle sometimes! but i would hope that they’ll find the tools to address it together.

#ty for this anon i am sending a hug from my brain to yours #also about to TW the crap out of this to be safe #lmk if i miss anything #food tw #disordered eating tw #eating tw #ED tw #weight tw #weight gain tw #body image tw #weight loss tw #mel answers #recovery #mania #drug abuse

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rainbeausobsessions · 1 year

Text

Literally no one asked so I'm building my Sonic HC Library

Shadow

100% vibing with him being autistic

no wonder I must protec

Gives off he/they enby, but I also don't think he's thought much about it one way or the other, he just feels like he knows who he is and that's valid

Panromantic, may or may not be demisexual.

He has a type(tm) and it's Maria, I mean, the beaniest of beans, I mean, 'the gentle and hopeful and somehow still fully in love with the world despite being forced to face with the cruelest realities of it' type

(he'd probably hear silver's backstory and just suddenly fall madly in love because this bean is such a bean despite everything he's gone through)

(does this count as demiromantic (probably))

Bruh would feel so awkward with a crush but he'd probably seem mostly normal except to people who knew him pretty well (Rouge, and then she'd tease him for it), and he'd get so flustered if they ever tried to make a move on him like 'what are you doing' + internal panic

Looks like he's totally in control, but if he ever gets his own place it will be an absolute disaster cuz our boi don't know shit

Asking him for polyamory would probably result in "whatever, just spend time with me"

They'd probably get overprotective in physically dangerous situations tho

Sonic

Vibing with the transman fanon rn

I'd say he's on T if it wasn't for the fact that our boi couldn't stay in a single city to save his life

He has a type(tm) and it's Sally Acorn, uh I mean, 'the confident and self-assured but somehow still conscientious leader's type

(I can see him with some of the newer versions of Amy, considering her character growth so far)

(oh look, another demiromantic)

Man can't stick around long enough to keep a long term monogamous relationship tho, so he'd be a comet in a thousand different QPRs

Maybe he's relationship anarchist, idk but it makes sense

Definitely a solo poly guy tho. He's his own primary.

Silver

FEMBOY

My boi deserves all the love

Would probably come back from the future at some point and then just keep delaying going back to the future because all his friends are in the past and he's so lonely

(oh no, can't go back to the future, accidentally started a family in the past, whatever will I do *lives the rest of his life in happiness and adventure*)

is giving he/they/she

Espio

Transmasc goth boi

(I love him)

Seems like he's pretty stable and self-assured. Would probably be really polite and attentive as a partner. Would absolutely just ask his crush out on a date, cuz again, he's in a good place.

(and if he didn't he knows that Vector would stage an intervention for him)

Rouge the Bat

Ngl she's giving transfem/mtf vibes

Absolutely loves messing with people. Probably partly why it's so hard to pin down what her moral compass is, she *likes* keeping people guessing

Can't do that with Shadow tho, they may have even gotten in an argument about it at one point

She still loves him tho, Shadow's a found brother/sibling

Charmy Bee

Baby trans boy

I imagine his Big Brother(tm) Espio started sharing his experiences as a trans guy and Charmy was like "GASP, THAT'S ME!!"

(Someone pointed out to me that female honey bees have stingers and not males, so now it's headcanon)

Vector

Unfortunately I can't not see him as the token cishet guy in Sonic's friend group

Probably gets some loving flack about it ("when's your shell gonna crack, big guy" "you sure you don't wanna check out men? I met a really sweet guy at the bar the other day")

May have a reputation for adopting gays.

Might not suddenly be housing them, but he'd absolutely send random care packages

(is this why you're always in debt, buddy)

Definitely has bi wife energy (his wife being Vanilla (eventually))

(more to come, probably, eventually)

#sonic hcs #sth #im honestly open to any ship as long as it makes sense in my head #no character bashing in my house #no ship bashing in my house

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kyrdjava · 1 year

Text

Hello everyone. Sorry for the bad English, it's not my first language.

My name is Daria and I'm a neurodivergent queer woman, who really doesn't know where else to go for help.

I have a borderline personality disorder and a recurrent depressive disorder. Right now I'm not taking any medication or getting any therapy, and things got so bad I can't ignore them anymore.

I've delt with depressive episodes and my BPD acting up before, but only once it was so bad, and that time I ended up in the mental ward after a suicide attempt.

My episode started in spring and it only got worse since. Right now it's at the point where I'm seriously struggling with doing the most basic things; it's hard to wake up, to do my bed, to shower, to feed my cats, to makeyself a cup of tea. Cooking or dying my hair seems an impossible task. Going to work exhausts me to the point I can just stop in the corridor on my way to the office, because I just can't move anymore. I'm not even talking about losing interest and ability to enjoy my favourite things, I'm loooong past that. Now even food can't make me feel better.

I am extremely tired all the time no matter how much I sleep. I've lost appetite almost completely. I'm suicidal. Yesterday I caught myself on planning a visit to a lawyer to make a will. I'm 27, for fuck's sake, should I be thinking of this right now?

Plus, my BPD is making me super sensitive to the littlest things. I can crash and have a meltdown because a customer told me I sound like a robot. I'm constantly suppressing the tears, because when I stop for a moment and try to think of my situation, I get into so much despair, I can start wailing in public.

I have a pretty stable job (thought they cut my pay just a few weeks ago), but due to all my issues my performance is suffering severely. I work in customer support, where I have to be nice and cheerful all my 12 hours working day. I cannot. I became rude, inattentive and indifferent. My superiors already noticed that, and I'm not sure how much longer they will keep me around. Now it is the worst fucking time in my country to try and find a new job, so I really can't afford losing it.

Now to the point why I don't ask my family and friends. I have a moderately supportive family, though our relationship is kinda complicated, and an amazing best friend who always volunteers to help me. But a disaster struck us a few days ago, and now all our finances are going there. And by all I mean even my siblings' who don't even live with us anymore.

Our oldest cat is very, very sick. She has cancer; she needs a lot of medication, regular checkups and tests, blood transfusions and specialised diet.

If you ever had a sick pet, you know how incredibly expensive it can become, and I'm constantly crushed by immense guilt that I can't afford everything my cat (and my three other cats) may ever need. So everything I earn goes towards their needs, except for basic necessities like food, hygiene and transportation. I simply won't let my pathetic self spend any more on myself, when my Musya is suffering so much.

And considering how much everyone in my family has given and continues to give for Musya's treatment, I really, really can't ask them for fucking anything ever fucking again.

I also won't let myself ask my best and only friend for money, because she provides for her whole family, and the crisis wasn't kind to her either.

I also have a shit ton of debts I'm trying to pay right now, that I got in when I tried to change my job (and failed), and also because I eas really stupid towards my finances before.

So I came here. I calculated the amount needed for a single visit to my psychiatrist and roughly a month of medication (if it would be the same medication I've been prescribed before), and it comes to about 150$. I don't even know if it's possible to raise such an amount, but I've seen people try to do it on Tumblr, and I am desperate.

So, here's a link to my Buy Me A Coffee, that I made yesterday.

https://www.buymeacoffee.com/kyrdjava

I've never used it before, but I did a little research and it seems like an only option, considering the country I live in.

If I'll be able to raise the needed amount, in, say, a couple of months, I will post all the receipts for my doctor's appointment and all the meds, so you can be sure all the money was used as intended. Even if I won't, every donation will be spent on Musya's health, and, of course, I will post all the receipts also.

#personal #ask for help #donations #buymeacoffee #mental health

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lilylived · 2 years

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How do you get on your own feet and become independent from narcissistic parents when they’ve purposefully kept you dependent on them your whole life?

Hey! So sorry for how long this took, but I wanted to make sure I don't give careless advice. Feel free to come off anon and talk to me anytime you want!

In general, it's a psychological battle. You HAVE the ability to become independent. You're just as good as anyone else who has done it. But your parents have brainwashed you into believing you can't do it, and that kind of lifelong brainwashing goes really deep and it takes a lot of effort to overcome. I'm still working on it tbh, so I'm probably not the best person to ask, but I have found some coping methods and tricks.

Practically, I don't know your exact situation or what type of place you live. But in general lets say you are starting with no idea on your career. You can start by doing a lot of online research on picking a any career field or by looking for certifications and other qualifications that would help you if you already have a degree. You can go back to school anytime as well. Online classes, if that works for you. Don't worry about age. Any public school will have a bunch of older students going back to finish or start a new degree. Professional/grad schools, you see that even more. I went back to school myself and it's no big deal.

Reddit is a good place to do career research. They can be very doom and gloom over there, but they also have a lot of useful inside info on different fields. See what people in your major did, look up random options on threads about unknown careers, etc.

Aim to pick any stable career path that you think would be possible for you to do. If you want only a bachelors then accounting, teaching, comp sci are the types of fields where you can do the degree and get a job in a pretty straightforward way. There's no "getting in" to the program and once you graduate you can just apply to jobs.

If you have a major that may not have such a direct path, look it up on reddit again to see what other people in your shoes did. There are plenty of options out there. Don't let recession and automation type of talk get to you because those kinds of worries apply to all fields across the board. People make do anyway. We're all in the same boat unless you're a billionaire.

If you have a bachelor's or associates already and got stuck, research your secondary degree options. This is my personal opinion and I could be wrong, but I think it is worth it to take loans for a masters or professional level program that will get you a livable salary, as long as it gets you away from your parents. Do a LOT of research before you commit though. Lmk if you want more details on applying to these types of programs. There are so many healthcare related programs you've never heard of that will set you up with a 70k+ salary within 2 or 3 years. And coming from someone who had a 2.something gpa and barely any extracurriculars, it's really a lot easier to get in than you would think. We are simply not a nation full of Einsteins, so keep that in mind and remember that there are countless people in the same position as you, no matter how much it feels like you're doing worse. It's a lot to think about, but just remember that these types of jobs are NOT outside of your range if you do want them.

Personally, I find it difficult to not have a routine career path because honestly my confidence in my abilities is that low. But realistically, going the school route it not the only way to independence. I know so many people who just apply to jobs and move up anyway, in fields like IT or HR or real estate or blue collar work (depends on what's available in your area). A lot of lesser known jobs, like working in a daycare or medical records requires no prior experience. If you prefer no school, look into it.

The main thing again is do your research and make a list of possibilities for yourself, according to what feels doable to you. Make some loose plans. What classes you have to take, where can you enroll, etc.

For work experience, start out with volunteering so you can get some references and have something to talk about in future interviews. Worry about the first step first, and then worry about the rest later. If you are in school, you can also send out emails to professors to do research work.

After the mundane stuff, you have to start putting your plan into action. This is where the psychological work comes in.

I keep saying research, but research narcissistic abuse as well. Therapy is best if you can get it, even for a little bit, because it helps you start off. But if it's not possible then do research on your own. Dedicate like 30 min- 1 hr on it every weekday. Youtube channels like Surviving Narcissism and Dr Ramani really change your mind and help you deal with them after a few years of watching. Self help books are also great. Knowledge = power. It's the first step to empowering yourself.

The reason research works is because Narc parents can make your entire life feel sooo impossible. They feel omnipresent even. But they are just human. And they are stupid badly formed humans at that. All of them follow the exact same patterns over and over and over again. THEY are stuck in these patterns. And you can use their puppet like behavior to your own advantage. Start learning how they function and then you can predict everything, protect yourself by preparing for backlash, and move away from their chaos while they stay stuck using the same tricks over and over. At first, the way they think can be very confusing to grasp. And we have our own ingrained denial to get over because we don't want to believe that they are really that bad. But then it starts to sink in and make sense. That's when you can extract yourself while they become the helpless ones. It's inevitable that the tables will flip this way because 1. You are growing, unlike them and 2. Once you realize they are narcs, it's like a pandoras box that you can't close again. They can't brainwash or manipulate you the same way ever again. At this point, you just will get stronger while they can't change at all. So have hope and don't think they will be so big forever. It's very very temporary, the control they have over you. They know that too which is why they act out. And that brings us to...

Start setting up really strong boundaries with your parents, if you haven't already. They are like snakes that will bite if they get too close. Learn about grey rocking and try to keep as much info private as you can, even if you live with them. They will get mad af at this change in your relationship. You can play stupid in response. Be polite, lie, be bland, be pretend diplomatic. Don't engage in conversations or aeguments with them, but do what you need to do in private.

Boundaries also includes that you stop helping them, if you were parentified. They raise you to focus you energy on them 100% of the time, which is why we get exhausted or even feel guilty when we try to focus on yourselves. If they are ill, if they are depressed, if they are about to be out on the streets... they are adults. They can handle themselves. A lot of times, they pretend to need immediate help just so you can take focus off yourself and focus on them instead, which keeps you stuck. My mom used to get me to try to save her all the time and my dad used to literally sabotage his own health to get me to pay attention to him. Look at these kinds if incidents as toddlers throwing tantrums. It's usually a lie or self inflicted. Once you stop rushing in to help them, they magically learn to save themselves because of how selfish they are. So don't worry about them.

Once they see you make any progress, they WILL try to sabotage you. You can prepare for this by expecting it. Don't give them the element of surprise. Try to have a few loose back up plans in mind in the areas that they can harm you... like apply to fafsa and take more loans if needed. Or have a spot outside the house where you can work, if needed. And emotionally, you actually deal with sabotage by learning how to stop loving your parents. Everytime they do something crazy to throw you off track, journal about it/talk to someone/calm yourself and then use your anger to stop loving your parents even more. This is what a lot of people don't say outright, but it is the key. That's exactly how you become immune to them overtime. Eventually, they won't have enough emotional power over you to sabotage you. It's a lot easier said than done to go against biological instincts to love them, but it does happen and it's needed imo.

So as you stop loving them and start creating boundaries, you replace all the empty space with focus on yourself. Learn who you are, make a list of characteristics you want to have, get comfortable listening to your own opinion first and foremost. This can be the fun part of all this work. If you don't like someone, stick by that opinion. If you don't want to do a favor, don't do it. The idea of doing this is that you want to teach yourself that it's a free world and you can do literally whatever you want. You don't need to check in with a narcissist. You definitely have a better idea on how to live life that they do.

Make any kind of routine for yourself. Even if you aren't working or going to school, routines help a lot to start progress. Get up at a certain time, have breakfast, do some kind of exercise, then maybe 30 mins of researching, and then some hobbies. Having any kind of routine is like setting up your hand, with a pen, over a piece of paper. It's a lot easier after setting up to write something down. You can set up routine for like 3 weeks and them you WILL get something out of it as long as you continue doing it. Making this kind of routine in a household with NParents also helps a lot with teaching you how to tune them out and focus on yourself instead. I also recommend adding yoga in there, if you can. Start with Yoga with Adrienne and do it on a towel.... it helps lower anxiety for real. Anxiety is usually the biggest problem when you had narc parents. That's what makes it hard for us to try and have hope.

When you grew up with narc parents, you almost always have complex PTSD. Basically we grew up in flight or fight mode ALL the time. That's what walking on eggshells and living with such uncertain people does to you. This means our sympathetic nervous system is extremely overactive (the anxiety, the freezing, etc all come from this). So the simple answer to this is that as adults, we need to learn how to activate our parasympathetic nervous system more often. Do any kind of art or creative work, take your time to enjoy something, do yoga, dance, watch some stand up comedy and laugh, etc. All those things are literally healing for us because they chip away at the Complex PTSD. Always make time for these nice things and don't feel guilty about doing it. It's good for you and you deserve it. This video explains it better:

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Also important but simple: tell yourself that you do deserve happiness and to move on from them. When you grow up as a kid with narc parents, you learn subconsciously that you don't have a right to feel happy when your parents are not. For example, if you ever won an award as a kid, I'm sure your parents made sure to "humble" you real quick. The message they gave us all the time is that we have no right to be happy or that our happiness hurt them. But these are people who CHOOSE to be narcissistic, choose to be abusive, and refuse to ever change because they love power. They chose the wrong path in life and refuse to backtrack (when they could, if they wanted to). And that path never leads to real happiness or contentment. So why do you have to also pay for their wrong choices? You have a human right to be happy and live the right path without them. Unlike what they taught you, your life really is yours and it's not worth less than anyone else's.

Also you can 100% learn to build your own happiness and sense of calm even while living with them. Your life doesn't need to begin only when you are financially able to move out... a lot of people make this mistake and try to teach some wrong shit to others. Then they don't know what to do with themselves once they finally free themselves of their parents. You are not hopeless just because you have to live with them. The focus on yourself + emotional dittachment + strong boundaries combo is key to making this happen. The key in life, in general, is to learn how to be reasonably at peace even when you are in a bad situation. Like how to be happy with yourself even when your life isn't perfect yet. If you think about immigrant grandparents and stuff like that, this is easier to understand. Your ideal situation can and will come later, but for NOW you are still able to do some mental work to make your day to day life a lot happier.

Similarly, you have every right to drop your parents' (and the world's) shaming world view. Narcs have a very externally based view of the world... who's the richest, the smartest, the best looking, the most powerful, etc. They think if they have those things, they are better than you. It doesn't help that a lot of the world thinks like this too. So we grow up accepting this as truth. And meanwhile, our parents sabotage and under play those types if traits in us. Like they will sabotage your education then justify their abuse of you for not being a doctor at 23. But this view of the world is genuinely completely wrong. People don't have more value just because they are richer or whatever, especially if they are narcissists. It's hard to just shake off a world view that you grew up with, but it can be done if you keep opening yourself up to other worldviews. Personally, the youtube channel Surviving Narcissism helped me a lot with this. Then, you can stop devaluing yourself the way narcissists want you to. They lose a lot of power over you when you do that.

Lastly.... I know all this is a lot of info and a lot of things to do, but think "slow and steady wins the race." Most of my 20s have been dedicated to a lot of this stuff, which is years. Don't pressure yourself to be fine in a short time. I always think of my oen progress as "two steps forward and one step back" lol. Like, you will backtrack and pause a lot. Especially if you are triggered or thrown for a loop. That's all completely fine. It's life. Be easy on yourself and know that it's normal. Don't compare yourself to people from more healthy backgrounds because they had the internal stability built for them, while you are doing it step by step with no instructions. It's not an ideal situation and that's more reason for you to not be hard on yourself when you mess up. We all mess up. And one of the biggest things to learn from coming from a narcissistic family is that everyone healthy and good is just constantly working on themselves. Learn to enjoy the journey of it and reward yourself CONSTANTLY for any progress you make 😊 That's another big way of building up self worth.

Some (or a lot) of this advice may not apply to your specific situation. Everyone has something different. But I hope you can get the general gist of what I'm saying and tailor it to yourself.

The main thing is be easy on yourself!! When you have two narcissists for parents, the only 2 options we had as kids are literally to turn into narcissists ourselves (which leads to more external success), or to become VERY riddled with chronic anxiety. Out the those two options, we chose to keep our morals, at our own expense. And I know you did, because otherwise you wouldn't even acknowledge you have narc parents, or have anxiety, or seek help for deep issues.

So please don't feel bad about yourself or listen to anyone else who shames you. You are literally doing the best that anyone can do with the trash hand you got. That's something huge to be proud of. You got over the first huge hurdle as a little kid, and now you can do the rest. It's inevitable that you will be free of them as long as you keep working at it, and it becomes easier and easier as you build up. The hardest part for me was to have hope in the beginning, but it gets so much easier I promise.

Sorry again for such a late response!! Hope it helps and feel free to ask about any specifics if you need. Good luck and lots of love ❤

#anonymous #sorry for the long post idk how to line break it on mobile

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